Marshana Tells all…and some others do too

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Let’s face it…I know the Bachelor. The show that is. I’ve been writing a recap since before Firestone and consider myself an “unofficial” member of the ABC Bachelor family. If there was a fan club, I’d be president. If the ABC psychotherapist needed an assistant, I’d be the first she called. I have years of good, bad and ugly material that have kept me going strong for seasons of train wrecks. My point is…I feel I have a firm grasp on our favorite reality TV show.

The “Women Tell All” episodes are usually boring. And I typically do not write a recap. But I felt I should this time. I felt there was something I needed to point out to the readers of this website.

So what important fact do I, your Bachelor Guru, want to share with you the reader? What one thing did I come away with that will change the world to be a better place forever?

Can I get a collective AMEN when I suggest that Matty boy shave his head for the rest of his life?!? I physically paused my DVR, took a deep cleansing breath and allowed myself to flashback to my favorite memory of his rugby picture from the first episode. When I opened them, an older, more mature man with scruffy beard and face of almost David Beckham (but not quite love you Becks) was starring back at me.

Two words: Good Lord.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Don’t forget Mom and her rose this Mother’s Day
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There’s Our Host Chris Harrison. Isn’t he awesome? I think he needs his own behind-the-scenes reality show where cameras follow him around and we are treated to all his witty comments. He’s just so cute.

He begins by introducing some of the bachelorettes. Not all were present. Most of the memorable ones are here except that one bleach blonde chick who never said anything. Stacey and her panties are there. Hot dog Erin. Other Erin. Red head opera girl (who said nothing). Beer can Oklahoma. Picker. Meeps. Noelle. And of course the super smart intern arranged for Robin (who was actually boo’d) and Marshana to be right next to each other.

Our Host Chris Harrison asks Meeps what she first thought of Matty. She answered without a single meep but has replaced her “like” habit with “um.” A step in the right direction Mandy!

Marshana talked a few seconds about how cute he was. Then she talked A LOT about how fine she was, while using air quotes way too much.

Pantygate
We were treated to b-roll footage of Stacey. One of the best packages of the night. Everyone called her a slut. Kelly called her a nut bag. Hot Dog Erin discovered the panties…thinking it was a handkerchief. Marshana said she rode her nerves like a pony. Lincee giggled because that sentence seems dirty. Robin suggested she seek therapy. And Stacey called everyone b!tches and said that she is going to kill their families. Fun for the whole group.

In a drunken stupor, Stacey tells the camera that it is uncool if Matty doesn’t remember her and her f*cking panties. She says that he is dead. Clipped.

See? Stacey thinks he needs to keep his head shaved too. Let’s hear it for the lush!

OH Chris calls her out and asks what she thinks about the montage. Stacey says that she is embarrassed. That is NOT her personality.

OHCH: “Have you ever done this before and it worked?”
Stacey: “No.”
OHCH: “Kelly, have you ever handed out your underwear?”
Kelly: “Me? Why me? (laughter) I like them too much to give away.”
Stacey: “I’m sorry if I offended anyone.”
OHCH: “Well…it certainly was entertaining.”

Indeed.

Drama Package
Our host introduces the next b-roll footage by saying that this season had the most drama EVER on the Bachelor. Ironically, Marsh was in almost every scene. And if she wasn’t, Robin was.

Everyone saying that they hate Robin.
Robin saying that this is a competition and he will fight for what she wants.
Kelly saying that if Robin was a dude, she wouldn’t date her.

Robin joins Our Host Chris in the hot seat. She is wearing the shortest dress I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Clearly bubble hems are in. She says she is super competitive when it comes to other women. She experienced the loneliest time of her life in extreme isolation.

Guess what? Marshana jumps in and says that she feels Robin was mean and abrasive. Meeps gets bold and says that Robin was not there for Matty…she was there to win.

Our Host Chris Harrison asks Kelly: “If Robin was a dude, would you date her?”

This is why we heart Chris Harrison.

Chris Harrison goes on to introduce the most shocking fight in Bachelor history. He invites Marsh up to the hot seat and talks about why she always seems to be in the middle of the drama. Marsh believes it’s because everyone is jealous of her because she is who she is. There is lots and lots of pointing. She says that Robin is condescending and she will not stand for that and that she pushed her buttons on purpose. When Robin spoke up to say she didn’t even know her buttons, Marsh publicly “dismissed” Robin. A gasp was heard among the crowd. I’m pretty sure it was pre-scripted.

Our Host asks if it was a sweet reward to beat Holly on their two-on-one date. Marsh says it was good, but it placed an inevitable bull’s eye on her to be eliminated the next round. Then Chris asked if she were a dude, who would she date?

Amanda Montage
Amanda arrives at the hot seat to big cheers. The crowd loves her. ABC plays her montage and includes the bleeped out douche bag remark. The crowd goes NUTS! I go nuts! Meeps says that it is really hard to watch and she as confused as she was when she left. She said it was the beginning of their story and even thought that he may be pulling a prank on her. How sad! Our host said that she should be proud for standing up for herself in calling him a “d-bag” and ends her segment with a meep montage. We knew that was coming!

Bend It Like Matty
My goodness, I can’t get past the hair. And the scruff. Seriously. We could talk about that all day long. But I won’t.

He talks about Meeps being beautiful and how she never said she loved him. Big reason he didn’t pick her. He’s sorry she got hurt. Meeps rolls her eyes. Marshana hasn’t spoken in 10 minutes, so she feels the need to tell him she was happy when she went home, there were good girls like Meeps and Noelle left behind. HA! No mention of Shayne or Chelsea. That’s gotta hurt Matty!

Bless Matt’s heart. I love this guy. Says his favorite part of watching the show was seeing Robin coming down the mountain with the Jaws theme music as she cut in on Shayne’s date. CLASSIC BACHELOR!

And then Stacey presents him with granny panties. Since he didn’t seem to like her white lace thong. This girl has class ladies and gentlemen.

Our Host: “I don’t care what country you are from. That’s hot.”

And then it’s over. Holly and Noelle don’t get any screen time. We are left with no answers when it comes to Hot Dog Erin’s occupation. Not one word is uttered regarding all of the vocal stylings that occurred this year. Nothing.

There was a blooper reel. Funniest part was Tin Can Oklahoma saying she was sweet as sugar and the producers cut her off, questioning if she just said she was a Swedish hooker. Nice.

It’s as if all ABC wanted us to take from this episode was that Matty found a perfect match, gets down on one knee and proposes to this woman. In fact, they told that a lot. Because we can’t have a “situation” at the Home Depot proposal pedestal like we did last year.

Here’s what I came away with:
1. Matt is hotter than ever with a David Beckham shaved head.
2. Shape necklaces are in. Circles, horseshoes, squares. Anything will do.
3. Make sure to wear big, gaudy earrings this summer.
4. However short you think is “too short” for your skirt, raise it a few inches and you are golden.

So what do you think? Were you bored? Or do you think, as I do, that the shaved head worth every second? Did you save it on your DVR so you can look at it again? Is that too much information? Is it going to be Chelsea or Shayne? Vote below and let’s see if we get it right.

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

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