Marshana Tells all…and some others do too

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Let’s face it…I know the Bachelor. The show that is. I’ve been writing a recap since before Firestone and consider myself an “unofficial” member of the ABC Bachelor family. If there was a fan club, I’d be president. If the ABC psychotherapist needed an assistant, I’d be the first she called. I have years of good, bad and ugly material that have kept me going strong for seasons of train wrecks. My point is…I feel I have a firm grasp on our favorite reality TV show.

The “Women Tell All” episodes are usually boring. And I typically do not write a recap. But I felt I should this time. I felt there was something I needed to point out to the readers of this website.

So what important fact do I, your Bachelor Guru, want to share with you the reader? What one thing did I come away with that will change the world to be a better place forever?

Can I get a collective AMEN when I suggest that Matty boy shave his head for the rest of his life?!? I physically paused my DVR, took a deep cleansing breath and allowed myself to flashback to my favorite memory of his rugby picture from the first episode. When I opened them, an older, more mature man with scruffy beard and face of almost David Beckham (but not quite love you Becks) was starring back at me.

Two words: Good Lord.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Don’t forget Mom and her rose this Mother’s Day
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There’s Our Host Chris Harrison. Isn’t he awesome? I think he needs his own behind-the-scenes reality show where cameras follow him around and we are treated to all his witty comments. He’s just so cute.

He begins by introducing some of the bachelorettes. Not all were present. Most of the memorable ones are here except that one bleach blonde chick who never said anything. Stacey and her panties are there. Hot dog Erin. Other Erin. Red head opera girl (who said nothing). Beer can Oklahoma. Picker. Meeps. Noelle. And of course the super smart intern arranged for Robin (who was actually boo’d) and Marshana to be right next to each other.

Our Host Chris Harrison asks Meeps what she first thought of Matty. She answered without a single meep but has replaced her “like” habit with “um.” A step in the right direction Mandy!

Marshana talked a few seconds about how cute he was. Then she talked A LOT about how fine she was, while using air quotes way too much.

Pantygate
We were treated to b-roll footage of Stacey. One of the best packages of the night. Everyone called her a slut. Kelly called her a nut bag. Hot Dog Erin discovered the panties…thinking it was a handkerchief. Marshana said she rode her nerves like a pony. Lincee giggled because that sentence seems dirty. Robin suggested she seek therapy. And Stacey called everyone b!tches and said that she is going to kill their families. Fun for the whole group.

In a drunken stupor, Stacey tells the camera that it is uncool if Matty doesn’t remember her and her f*cking panties. She says that he is dead. Clipped.

See? Stacey thinks he needs to keep his head shaved too. Let’s hear it for the lush!

OH Chris calls her out and asks what she thinks about the montage. Stacey says that she is embarrassed. That is NOT her personality.

OHCH: “Have you ever done this before and it worked?”
Stacey: “No.”
OHCH: “Kelly, have you ever handed out your underwear?”
Kelly: “Me? Why me? (laughter) I like them too much to give away.”
Stacey: “I’m sorry if I offended anyone.”
OHCH: “Well…it certainly was entertaining.”

Indeed.

Drama Package
Our host introduces the next b-roll footage by saying that this season had the most drama EVER on the Bachelor. Ironically, Marsh was in almost every scene. And if she wasn’t, Robin was.

Everyone saying that they hate Robin.
Robin saying that this is a competition and he will fight for what she wants.
Kelly saying that if Robin was a dude, she wouldn’t date her.

Robin joins Our Host Chris in the hot seat. She is wearing the shortest dress I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Clearly bubble hems are in. She says she is super competitive when it comes to other women. She experienced the loneliest time of her life in extreme isolation.

Guess what? Marshana jumps in and says that she feels Robin was mean and abrasive. Meeps gets bold and says that Robin was not there for Matty…she was there to win.

Our Host Chris Harrison asks Kelly: “If Robin was a dude, would you date her?”

This is why we heart Chris Harrison.

Chris Harrison goes on to introduce the most shocking fight in Bachelor history. He invites Marsh up to the hot seat and talks about why she always seems to be in the middle of the drama. Marsh believes it’s because everyone is jealous of her because she is who she is. There is lots and lots of pointing. She says that Robin is condescending and she will not stand for that and that she pushed her buttons on purpose. When Robin spoke up to say she didn’t even know her buttons, Marsh publicly “dismissed” Robin. A gasp was heard among the crowd. I’m pretty sure it was pre-scripted.

Our Host asks if it was a sweet reward to beat Holly on their two-on-one date. Marsh says it was good, but it placed an inevitable bull’s eye on her to be eliminated the next round. Then Chris asked if she were a dude, who would she date?

Amanda Montage
Amanda arrives at the hot seat to big cheers. The crowd loves her. ABC plays her montage and includes the bleeped out douche bag remark. The crowd goes NUTS! I go nuts! Meeps says that it is really hard to watch and she as confused as she was when she left. She said it was the beginning of their story and even thought that he may be pulling a prank on her. How sad! Our host said that she should be proud for standing up for herself in calling him a “d-bag” and ends her segment with a meep montage. We knew that was coming!

Bend It Like Matty
My goodness, I can’t get past the hair. And the scruff. Seriously. We could talk about that all day long. But I won’t.

He talks about Meeps being beautiful and how she never said she loved him. Big reason he didn’t pick her. He’s sorry she got hurt. Meeps rolls her eyes. Marshana hasn’t spoken in 10 minutes, so she feels the need to tell him she was happy when she went home, there were good girls like Meeps and Noelle left behind. HA! No mention of Shayne or Chelsea. That’s gotta hurt Matty!

Bless Matt’s heart. I love this guy. Says his favorite part of watching the show was seeing Robin coming down the mountain with the Jaws theme music as she cut in on Shayne’s date. CLASSIC BACHELOR!

And then Stacey presents him with granny panties. Since he didn’t seem to like her white lace thong. This girl has class ladies and gentlemen.

Our Host: “I don’t care what country you are from. That’s hot.”

And then it’s over. Holly and Noelle don’t get any screen time. We are left with no answers when it comes to Hot Dog Erin’s occupation. Not one word is uttered regarding all of the vocal stylings that occurred this year. Nothing.

There was a blooper reel. Funniest part was Tin Can Oklahoma saying she was sweet as sugar and the producers cut her off, questioning if she just said she was a Swedish hooker. Nice.

It’s as if all ABC wanted us to take from this episode was that Matty found a perfect match, gets down on one knee and proposes to this woman. In fact, they told that a lot. Because we can’t have a “situation” at the Home Depot proposal pedestal like we did last year.

Here’s what I came away with:
1. Matt is hotter than ever with a David Beckham shaved head.
2. Shape necklaces are in. Circles, horseshoes, squares. Anything will do.
3. Make sure to wear big, gaudy earrings this summer.
4. However short you think is “too short” for your skirt, raise it a few inches and you are golden.

So what do you think? Were you bored? Or do you think, as I do, that the shaved head worth every second? Did you save it on your DVR so you can look at it again? Is that too much information? Is it going to be Chelsea or Shayne? Vote below and let’s see if we get it right.

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

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Comments

121 Comments on "Marshana Tells all…and some others do too"

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Sue

I think Stacey had a lot of guts to come back and face the music. Good for her. I probably would have chickened out, so I was pretty impressed. I thought everything was pretty lame. Yawn. I’m leaning toward him picking Chelsea. I like Shayne better, but I feel as though Shayne is a little too flakey to be taken seriously as a wife and mother. Just my two cents.

Lindsey
Lindsey

Nice recap, Lincee! And I totally agree about the shaved head. Mmmmm.

OK, so about the vote — I want it to be Chelsea, but I think he’s going to pick Shayne — so I voted for Shayne. I hope I’m wrong. I think there’s more good to Chelsea than we’re seeing.

Julie
Julie

The Swedish hooker bit was the best part of the night! Along with OHCH’s witty remarks, of course. 🙂 His “if you were a dude” banter with Kelly was priceless. I was disappointed that Noelle and Holly didn’t get much air time. I liked them both a lot. Marshana really monopolized far too much time, and Amanda really didn’t get many answers from Matty (poor girl).

My vote is for Chelsea. I think Shayne is adorable, but I just can’t see Matt marrying her. I think his family is going to take issue with how young she is, and that he’ll wind up agreeing with them. (Or mabye the ABC editors just want us to THINK that’s what’s going to happen…)

Erin
Erin

I can’t believe Chris let Kelly get away with no mention of the flashing.

Michellyoh
Michellyoh

There is only one good thing about the WTA episodes!! Our Host Chris Harrison. Maybe you and Chris should start writing your own sitcom. . .I’m just saying!

robyn
robyn

Ca-racking up! Sex in the City…YEARS ago…all of the shaped necklaces were escorted in and now they are out sisters! Gaudy earrings…oh you betcha…Very Harwin-esqe (H-town reference). AND…the short dress comment priceless!

Would have loved to have heard from Noelle, Broadway Annie & Picker! The LeAnn Rimes look alike too.

Are you at all excited about “The Bachelorette” with De-AHna?

MarriedWithEyes
MarriedWithEyes

Your blog is EXACTLY why ABC needs to hire you as a consultant or co-host for TWTA shows at least. You KNOW what we wanted to see. How can they have nothing for Noelle and Holly and spend all that precious time on Stacey the ho. Most of those girls didn’t even need to be there. I saw some of them and actually thought they were from last season.
I just wanted someone to ask Marshawna why it was okay that people had to accept her for who she was and never question her character but it wasn’t okay for Robin to be who she was and for the girls to just accept her for who she was. They need a female co-host to call these “ladies” on the carpet….
Gotta say I love the footage they show of all the catty comments and then watching the faces of the ones that made the comments and the ones the comments were made about….PRICELESS.
My vote is for Chelsea. I think they have purposefully left us in the dark about the connection between these two lovebirds.
Can’t wait for the finale and your recap of it, of course!

MO
MO

Well, last night was not as exciting as I had hoped. I too agree with the Swedish hooker bit, that was classy!

I believe that Matt and Shayne have a lot of chemistry. They appear to be a great couple. However, ABC has fooled me every year. I still can’t forgive them for making me believe that Trista was going to pick Charlie. I almost had a heart attack when she picked Ryan. (Note: I love Trista and Ryan together, but at the time, I was sure it was Charlie). I have been wrong season after season. So with that being said, I like Shayne, but I think he is going to pick Chelsea…………..we’ll see

MO
MO

@7 I agree with you reagrding the female co-host. Maybe Lincee can talk Chris into hiring Heather (Rock of Love) to question the ladies! LOL

Kaa-risten
Kaa-risten

Dang, I was totally hoping for another ridiculous dress from Marshanna, o well =/.
Hey Robin, I’ll let you borrow a dress that actually fits too.

Jess
Jess

i thought last night was good entertainment. perhaps better than some of the recent episodes. there were some good laughs, some good wit from our host (he really is brilliant), and matty looking yummy with his new ‘do.

go Shayne!

Kendall
Kendall

Lincee, we need to come up with a way of us all being able to document our ex-Bachelorette media sightings in the near future! Noelle’s “House” appearances, tracking dear Shayne-monkey’s blossoming movie career, Marshana’s potential at forehead jewelry.. *coughs*

I nearly fainted waaaay back during Jesse’s Bachelor reign when I was clipping coupons and came across Trish’s crazy-arse mug on my Tide ad in the Sunday circulars!!! GAH!!!

I can’t believe it’s all almost over… again… *sniff*

oy vey
oy vey

That wasn’t a dress, that was a “teddy.” Good lord. I’m suprised we didn’t see spanx like last season.

Kathleen
Kathleen

I thought Marshanna looked really pretty last night but still hate her “holier than thou” attitude.

I voted for Chelsea because bachelors always go for the one who’s a “challenge.”

Agreed, I can’t believe they spent so much time replaying the drunk at the beginning. I would rather have heard from Noelle. Dumb drunks should not get attention.

Mostly boring but I definitely agree about Matty’s shaved head. Yum.

Melissa
Melissa

First, LOVED the buzz cut. Not many guys can wear it but our boy is definitely one who can.

Robin looked silly, Tin Can equally so with the musical instruments hanging off her ears, and why Marshana was allowed to dominate the show baffles me. Off-Key was wearing caterpillars on her eyes (must be hard to keep them open with the weight), and Noelle’s beautiful dimples were in full view, although I’d have liked to have her talk some — hard when Marshana was continually called upon to comment.

I noticed last night that Chris has absolutely lovely hands — beautifully shaped fingers, perfect size, and he uses them gently when he speaks, which is all the better.

Matt seemed sincere, and while the answer he gave Meep may not have seemed elaborate, I thought it was sufficient — he couldn’t have been clearer than to say he was quite fond of her but definitely saw himself happier with one of the other two. Not a happy thing to hear, but fair and she seemed to accept it.

His comment about Robin approaching him and Shayne in the snow, and imagining hearing the Jaws theme in the background was priceless.

While I’m rooting for Shayne, I think ABC’s editing is leading us in that direction, and that he’s going to choose Chelsea. If you’d only seen the Shayne segment the deal would seem like a slam dunk, hands-down done deal. Very little “negative” about her (like the temper tantrum) was shown, finishing with his father questioning her age, whereas they started the Chelsea recap with the disaster on the boat, closing with him being obviously charmed by her behavior on the fantasy date. Unless there’s a double switcheroo coming, I think he’s engaged to Chelsea.

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