Maybe we could share a tampon…or something
That’s right ladies and gentlemen…The Bachelor is BACK! ABC spared no expense to search high and low for the most collective group of straight up crazies the franchise has ever hosted in their hopefully sanitized, pimped out mansion in the Hollywood Hills. Our Bachelor has bulked up for the pending festivities. According to pre-taped packages, the audience can deduce that he accomplished this by pulling large barrels of wine around the vineyard. He sports a rather handsome tan now thanks to the countless hours spent on the tractor wearing only a bright orange power tank and he finds solace churning out the humble arrangements of Chopin on his baby grand. Clearly, he is ready to find love, get down on one knee
AGAIN and begin his life with the future Mrs. Groban. Here’s hoping Our Host Chris Harrison enforces a clause in his best man contract that obligates Groban to have his hair properly cut and styled before the wedding.
Speaking of Harrison…HELLO MY FAVORITE REALITY TV HOST! Wasn’t he just divine in his classic black suit? Do you think he was irritated or flattered that Groban chose to wear the exact same outfit as he did during the opening ceremonies? What do you think Harrison was daydreaming about as Groban droned on and on about how Ashley hurt him, but the experience made him open up to be more than he could ever be?
I like to imagine he was re-thinking the terms of The Bachelor fantasy league he started with Fleiss and various producers of the show. He’s just itching for the Parade of Peculiar to begin so he can collect his winnings and celebrate down at the Regent Beverly Wilshire where En Fuego Roberto is saving him a spot in the VIP lounge as we speak.
Let’s meet our contestants!
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the niece/former classmate of someone who is obsessed with the Hunger Games trilogy and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Why you remember her: Amber Bacon is from Canada, eh? She made a bold move by wearing a whimsical tie-dyed dress that looked odd due to the fact that she was clad in the last season’s Jimmy Choo heels instead of bare feel like one may expect with an island themed dress. I expected her to hand him a Mai Tai while throwing a string of flowers around his neck and giggling profusely before announcing that he been “lei’d.” Instead, she notifies him that all her friends call her the Baconator and then she invites him to taste by extending her hand for a kiss. Clearly, this gesture is above and beyond my imaginary “lei’d” scenario and I applaud the Baconator. Groban gently kisses her hand and immediately discovers that he is a pepperoni man.
Status: Canadian Bacon OOT. NO ROSE.
Why you remember her: I’ve got two words for you: cow balls. Yes, non-Canadian Baconator Amber announced on live television that Groban better eat some cow balls and he better like them before she pummeled several skeet in full camouflage. As luck would have it, I didn’t remember Amber T. was the cow ball girl when she arrived at the mansion in her yellow shiny dress, conducting herself in a somewhat normal manner during her 30-second introduction with our Bachelor. Instead of leaving to go inside the mansion with the other contestants, she swings around the strategically placed rose bush and enters the shot behind Groban. The audience and the wine maker thought she was confused and lost, but we soon learn that she was just giving him a second chance to experience love at first sight.
Status: Sorry hon. He only needed one. NO ROSE.
Why you remember her: I’ll give this girl props for pulling a Bachelor first. Anna steps from the limo, seductively eyes Groban and then proceeds to pass right by him, making her way into the mansion to get her drink on. Groban calls out to her that it was a bold move and then kicks her to the curb for intimidating him.
Status: CANUK OOT! NO ROSE.
STRIPPER VIP Cocktail Waitress
Why you remember her: Blakely’s feathery earrings won the affection of not only our Bachelor, but fellow contestant Monica who I’m going out on a limb and assuming that she is “not in this for the right reasons.” She has a tattoo on her inner forearm of a heart that’s locked up. Raise your hand if you think a certain former bachelor contestant is designing a key tattoo that will fit said locked up heart in order that he may guard and protect it at the first Bachelor reunion this summer?
Medical Sales Rep
Why you remember her: You probably don’t remember her, but you do remember her grandmother. When Nana stepped out of the limo with a broken foot and crutches, two things went through my mind.
1. Don’t trip on the freshly paved asphalt driveway Nana!
2. There must be a granddaughter hiding in that stretch somewhere.
Status: Nana’s Granddaughter did receive a rose. We don’t know if it was because Nana pulled at his heart strings or if it was the Werther’s Original hard candy she slipped in his pocket.
Why you remember her: I understand that you probably think this is the darling Kasie in the sparkling dress, but you are mistaken. This Casey made practically zero impressions on the viewing audience until Gary the camera guy pulls back on his shot to reveal a short black dress under a several yards of floor length gossamer. It was as if her legs were in mourning.
Why you remember her: In case you didn’t pick up on it, Courtney is a model who can’t be bothered with these silly other women. According to her one-on-one time with our Bachelor, she’s a model, she’s nice, she’s a model, she has great hair, she’s a model, she’s Italian, Scottish and 1/16 Navaho Indian. And she’s a model.
Why you remember her: Poor, sweet Dianna. She was one of my picks and now I’m a little sad for her. Not only did she forget her opening line, but she put a blind fold on Groban and fed him sugary sweets out of a discarded Old Milwaukee tall boy sack, instructing him to guess the candy (I would have owned that game BTW) while the cow ball girl laughed.
Status: NO ROSE
Why you remember her: Elyse made Groban do push ups in the “stupid things these girls made Groban perform on command” montage. It was right after learning the Cotton Eyed Joe but before show me your soccer skills on the front lawn.
Chapel Hill, NC
Why you remember her: Another unwise pick of mine, Emily insisted the Bachelor slather on a generous helping of Purell before squirting three healthy doses of Binaca in his mouth. Then she kisses him. Her PhD studies conclude that a clean work surface is a safe work surface. But that doesn’t mean Emily can’t be gangsta’ yo. In fact, we learn several little life lessons in her four-minute rap. For instance, don’t leave the block without your glock and it’s not about chivalry but dope lyrics and delivery. I particularly enjoyed her ending zinger when she managed to rhyme, “get the gist” with “epidemiologist.”
Why you remember her: Just because Erika is a law student doesn’t mean that we should overrule her first impression antics. The poor thing announced to Groban that he was guilty. “Guilty of what?” he said with amazing restraint from the natural tendency to roll ones eyes when the onset of an inevitable bad joke is looming in the midst. “Guilty of being SEXY.” Then she Shooter McGavin’s his fake smile. Why he chose to give her a rose instead of holding her in contempt is a mystery we will never solve I’m afraid.
Pharmaceutical Sales Rep
Why you remember her: Holly is from Kentucky. When she asks Ben what Kentucky is known for, he wisely answers, “Bourbon” and shuffles her through the front door, ever-so-slightly skewing her ginormous hat in hopes that she’ll get plastered and not remember the fact that she went home roseless.
Status: NO ROSE
Advertising Account Manager
Why you remember her: I have no clue.
Why you remember her: At first glance, you determine that sweet Jamie needs to lay off the Crest whitening strips for a few weeks. Then ABC makes you feel bad because she’s has full custody of her four younger siblings. At the rose ceremony, you remember thinking, “When did Jamie let the ladies out to play?” because her boobs were spilling forth from her red dress.
Why you remember her: Oh Jenna. How could we forget our favorite resident nut job who wants to believe she’s Carrie Bradshaw but one eye twitch away from announcing that her ovaries are not getting any younger?
Jenna received the most “bless her hearts” in one episode. At an unprecedented 14, the first came in her botched ice breaker.
Jenna: “I really loved what you said last season. Good things end badly.”
Groban: “I think that was good things don’t end unless they end badly.”
After an awkward recovery, Jenna spends most of the time beating herself up over the failed delivery until she shares an outdoor ottoman with Monica the not-confirmed-lesbian-but-probably-more-accurately-described-bisexual. Monica basically tells Jenna that she’s not into Groban and would rather stay around for sexy slumber parties with Blakeley because she is a real woman. Carrie Bradshaw holes up in the bathroom hyperventilating over the questionable lesbian chick not liking her. The ABC intern infiltrates the bathroom by shoving a tiny microphone under the crack of the closed door. Viewers are treated to an array of choking, sobbing, snotting sounds before Carrie begs for someone to bring her laptop so she can blog about over analyzing the situation. Naturally, the producers gave her immunity, flushed all her pills down the toilet, pump her with more hard liquor and sit back to watch events unfold as they may.
Why you remember her: Jennifer is the resident red head who just so happens to be an accountant. 1190 is the number of miles she traveled to be there. Zero is the number of times she’s been arrested. Fifty-four is the number of dresses she tried on before selecting the blue cocktail mini. One is the number of times she’s been in love. Four is the number of times I banged my head against the wall to make it end. Twelve is the number of times I rolled my eyes. Two is the number of minutes I’ll never get back after watching that exchange.
Why you remember her: Kacie is definitely the front runner. Yes she’s young, but she appears to be the most normal of the bunch. I’m going to choose to forget the moment when she held her hands in the shape of the Taylor Swift heart above her head and focus on how darling she looked in her glittery disco ball dress. Team Kacie!
Business Development Manager
Why you remember her: Who names their kid Lindzi? Geez. As a boot wearing Texan, I can’t tell you how thankful I am that Lindzi didn’t announce she was from the Lone Star State when she galloped up on her horse Levi. With Groban’s preference to denim of the same name as her noble steed, I can see why a rose was bestowed to this Floridian with her jaunty cap and riding boots. She has great dimples, a positive personality and a tendency to pull focus back on herself during one-on-one conversations. She’ll go far.
Status: FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE
Why you remember her: Her introductory video package looked like a poorly produced United Colors of Benatton commercial. I believe she had 15 costume changes and spoke three different languages, including Swahili. And let’s face it. Her poem was totally trumped by Drug Smuggla Emily’s dope melody. Not only did she call him a farmer in her limerick, she mentioned her butt chin. Bollocks!
Status: NO ROSE
Why you remember her: Don’t let the sleek pony tail and lovely purple dress fool you. Monica’s bleeping made for an interesting game of “What’s She Saying?” at watching parties around the globe last night. After discovering her need for Blakeley’s phone number as they spooned on the rattan furniture, we learn that Monica will “BLEEP” anyone up if they mess with her. Drug Smuggla Emily admires the hard core attitude of Monica and vows to allow her to be in her entourage in the upcoming weeks.
Why you remember her: Nicki’s divorce has taught her that life is too short to be serious all the time. She will now play the part of the proverbial Chihuahua who is excited when Groban glances her way. Here’s hoping she doesn’t pee on the Pier One outdoor furniture during one-on-one times.
Fashion Sales Rep.
Why you remember her: Rachel “my middle name is Rose” is a small town girl who just left her job at the Banana to come find love on a reality TV show. No pressure.
Advertising Account Manager
Why you remember her: HERE SHE IS! MISS PACIFIC PALISADES!
Why you remember her: Shawn is the single mom who wore a less than forgiving bright green dress to the cocktail party. She pulled our Bachelor out into the driveway for a little one-on-one time while executing soccer drills and was secretly ticked that a gaggle of others came to join the impromptu skill set moments later.
Why you remember her: Shira boldly proclaimed that she knew EVERYTHING about wine. Our Merlot swilling Bachelor asked her what sounded like a basic question involving “summer” and “variety.” I can’t be sure about the exact wording of the inquiry because I was too busy writing PRINCESS OF POWER down in my notes. I can, however, recall her answer after a pause that was way too long to bypass an uncomfortable moment. “Okay. I lied. I don’t know anything about wine.” I’m guessing the tendency to fib during first impressions is why you didn’t get a rose. It’s okay though. I’m sure there’s a Master of the Universe back home waiting for you.
Status: NO ROSE
After the eight minute ugly crying preview for the coming weeks and the super secret woman who makes a guest appearance, I have a feeling this season is going to be the most dramatic one ever. Grab a glass of your favorite chardonnay, buy a box of tampons to share with your girlfriends and enjoy the ride!
All about the shame, not the fame,