Meet Bachelor Arie’s Ladies
It’s season 22 and I couldn’t be more excited. I also might be in the minority, but I beg of you to really give Bachelor Arie and his season the chance that it deserves.
Some of you have strong opinions about Rachel’s gap-toothed castoff omission as the next bachelor. I’ve looked you in the eyes as you passionately list off Peter’s noble attributes. I understand your irritation and feel your concern, yet I ask you to trust me as we navigate this journey together. We want Arie to find true love. And we want him to kiss as many girls along the way in order to find the one. Brick walls are not mandatory, but appreciated.
Each season, I take great pleasure in perusing the cast profiles on the ABC website, hoping to glean significant insight from the ladies’ detailed answers in order to establish certain indicators that will help me distinguish between the countless Laurens in the lineup. Most of the time, this exercise proves to be a fruitless endeavor.
Prepare your cheat sheet, people. There’s no way we are going to be able to individualize the blondes by week three.
As I scrolled through the list of cast members vying for Arie’s final rose, I did notice that several girls stood out in new and interesting ways from seasons past, thanks to an array of colorful skin tones. The girls could easily be mistaken for a Benaton ad if this was 1989.
Most have tattoos. Several list Crazy, Stupid, Love as their favorite movie. There seems to be an addiction to avocados. And last year’s obsession with Olivia Pope has been trumped by Wonder Woman.
Y’all know that I do not do spoilers, so the following assessment has been drawn from profile pics and answers alone. Buckle up, dear reader. It’s time to place your bets!
Arie’s roster starts out with a solid lead. On paper, Ali seems normal. She’s “funny, kind, down to earth” and adventurous. She even admits that her love of Nickelback is embarrassing. She’s a sucker for a good sense of humor, which may be a deal breaker, because I don’t remember Arie ever making jokes or being sarcastic during Emily’s season. He was too busy sucking face all the livelong day for me to gauge if he has a funny bone. Although her necklace reads “FOREVER” (I think?), she’s going to have to count on something more than her awesome dimples to get her past week one or two.
Right off the bat, I don’t trust Amber because she wants to have lunch with Kim Kardashian, but when she admits that she held a big snake because she wanted to feel like Britney Spears at the VMAs, my allegiance shifted. She’s a business owner, which leads me to believe that she sells Rodan + Fields eyelash serum. Amber also confesses she would be Ariel, as in The Little Mermaid, because she “gets to marry Prince Eric, what a stud.” Grammatical issues aside, my allegiance swings back to the dark end of teh spectrum because everyone knows that Flynn Rider is the hottest of all Disney love interests. Finally, Amber is all about acting, which makes me wonder if she is here for the right reasons (right reasons) or a ticket to Los Angeles, courtesy of a race car driver.
San Mateo, CA
Immediately, I wonder if Annaliese will go by AHnnaliese or ANNaliese. I’m going Frozen all the way, with AHnnaliese, since she claims she would be any Disney princess if she had to choose to live as a fictional character. Anna’s answers are both safe and interesting, which is a hard combination to land. She wants to be Tracee Ellis Ross for a day, but also Miley Cyrus. Her ultimate date would involve “good conversation, laughter, kissing and wine.” No food. No fancy place. Just give her Arie and his lips and she’s ready to go. He’s bound to love that!
The only question mark I have about Annaliese is her forced expression. The smize is just not there. Hopefully Arie will see beyond the glassy eyes and pursue at least a conversation on night one. I think she can win him over with her charm…just like the real Anna did with Kristoff.
West Palm Beah, FL
Real Estate Agent
Ashely’s favorite movies are No Country for Old Men, The Family Stone, and Superbad. What’s the over under that at least one of these is a fabrication that allows her to look cool to dudes? Moreover, Ash is all about Brad Pitt. Has anyone claimed him as his or her favorite actor since Meet Joe Black? Is Ashley a 45-year-old posing as a 25-year-old? She also can’t live without her hair straightener, which was weird to me since her curls are intact, but then I remembered I’m not one of those special people who can curl my hair with a straightener. PS: Ashley’s skin is beautiful.
Prior Lake, MN
Becca’s answers are an enigma. Of her all-time favorite movies, one of these films is definitely not like the others: Sister Act 2, Gladiator, and Pitch Perfect. I do appreciate that she italicized her answers, though. You go, publicist. The five things she can’t live without are quite the list: Chapstick, facial lotion, bobby pins, popcorn, and stamps. Let’s break this down. I get Chapstick and facial lotion, because Becs lives where it’s cold. I appreciate her affinity for bobby pins, since I’m the one always complaining that the ABC Intern forgot to pack hair ties for the girls who get to ride up the coast in a vintage convertible Mustang. Popcorn is whimsical and fun, but stamps is where I begin to scratch my head.
Look, I’m a lover of the written word and you can often find me visiting my local post office like a grandma, but not being able to live without stamps is straight up odd. Additionally, her biggest date fear is having food stuck in her teeth. I can think of 8,285 other things I would be more afraid of than a little spinach in the incisors. The biggest thing Becca has going for her is that the top three things on her bucket list are hot air ballooning, grape stomping, and falling in love. Surely the producers can make two of the three happen, right?
Age: Suspiciously absent
Here’s what we know about Bekah: She admires her dad, she’s artsy, loves reality television, loves being the center of attention, is afraid of being trapped in an unfulfilling life, and has the best chance of standing out in a crowd, thanks to her pixie haircut. What we don’t know about Bekah is her age. My hope of hopes is that she’s not yet twenty-one, but she will turn the legal drinking age while she’s on the show. And she’ll get rip-roaring drunk, try to jump off the roof of the mansion like she’s Peter Pan, and go down in Bachelor Nation history as one of the most memorable women of Bachelor Arie’s season.
Bibiana is a walking contradiction. She wants to be a free orca, but is afraid of sharks. She was once a Miami Dolphin cheerleader, yet hated the game of football. Bibiana loves to pop pimples, but thinks it’s gross, and she has a tattoo of an anchor, but really doesn’t like it. She’s a lover of art and “Wish I could be art.” She’s an executive assistant, yet she can’t write in complete sentences. Bibs will go far.
Grants Pass, OR
Bri looks a decade older than she is, thanks to her propensity to always be camera ready with thick makeup. She chooses a safe list of people to have dinner with (Obama, her grandma, and Audrey Hepburn), yet she mixes it up a bit by offering to buy the table a round of shots. Bri wants to be an NFL football player for a day, which means Bibs up there will hate her. Her greatest achievements are “putting myself together after heartache and winning an Emmy” in that order.
Her bucket list includes seeing the Northern Lights, attend game seven of the NBA or MLB, and a hot air balloon ride. The producers have already written her name beside Becca K, who also wants a hot air balloon ride, for the dreaded two-on-one. Arie will have to choose who he likes best while floating in the air. The balloon will land and the loser will be forced to exit as Arie and the winner and the balloon navigator and the crew leave her in the middle of a field waiting for her rejection SUV to take her home.
San Diego, CA
Hey! We found the missing member of Fifth Harmony! Hooray!
Other than Brittany’s interesting hairdo choice, I think her profile is pretty solid. She’s the first one to toss some legitimate humor in her answers. Example: Where do you meet guys? Response: “I don’t… just kidding. The past two I’ve met have been through dating apps and they’re terrible human beings.” SNAP! Brittany wants to have lunch with Captain America (solid choice) and admits that the song “Everything is Awesome” from The Lego Movie is her guilty pleasure song. She would also pay off everyone’s loans if she won the lottery, so we all need to be friends with Brit Brit.
Are the bar necklaces this year’s statement necklace and chunky scarf? It appears that way. Also, do we think that Caroline naming her plant Phil is weird or totally cool? I’m going with cool, because Caroline would have lunch with Betty White and Ryan Reynolds. She clearly has great taste.
South Portland, ME
Real Estate Exec Assistant
Raise your hand if you think Chelsea looks like Olivia from Peter Brady’s season. Do you see it? I hope she’s as dramatic as O-Town. Her tattoos are “simple wave lines on the side of her palms and both hands.” She’s a soccer player, so my hope is that she body checks a girl during a game and an ambulance has to be called. The only hitch in Chelsea’s giddy-up is that she doesn’t like over-the-top PDA. Will she push Bachelor Arie away if he smoothly leans into her on night one? Or will his pheromones take over causing Chelsea to toss that nonsensical rule right out the window? We shall see.
Is it just me, or does Jacqueline look like she’s staring into your soul? Perhaps it’s a look of condemnation? Jac is a smartypants and appears to not have time for anyone who isn’t studying for a Ph.D. or interesting in dining with David Foster Wallas, Julius Caesar, and Thomas Jefferson. She even remembered to include Caesar’s translator for crying out loud. I’m calling it right now. Jacqueline isn’t going to be able to hang with the riffraff in the mansion.
Social Media Manager
I’d bet ten bucks that Jenna was a former Miss Teen Indiana. Pros: She broke her wrist on a mechanical bull and thinks Friends is the best show ever. She also would be a PINEAPPLE if she could be any fruit in the world, which is, if you don’t know, the official safe word of this website. I’m officially rooting for this girl and extremely confident that her housemates will loathe her.
Jenny likes both lying in bed all day watching TV and eating pizza and lounging in a tent after a long day of fishing, hiking, and drinking beer. She wants to ride an elephant and cliff jump, which means she will be T-I-C-K-E-D when another girl in the house, who is deathly afraid of pachyderms and deep holes, gets to do both of those things.
Calgary, Alberta, Canada
I really, really, really want Jessica and Bri to have a host-off. She’s an athletic girl who enjoys snowboarding, wake surfing, weight lifting, running, spin, Crossfit, yoga, and pilates. She also LOVES kissing. Well played, Jessica. Well played.
Santa Clarita, CA
I’m calling it: Kendall is an oddball. Her sister thinks she could be a bat, a flying mammal in case you didn’t know, because she sees beauty in dark things. She also drove a car off a ramp and through the caboose of a moving train, soooooo, let’s not get into a vehicle with ole Kendall. But here’s the kicker…the most romantic gifts she’s ever received is an alligator hand holding an iron heart in a jar given to her by her ex, because he knew she loves collecting taxidermy. I will hide behind the couch cushion each and ever time this girl is on the screen, just to be safe.
Krystal has a solid head on her shoulders and incredibly normal answers. She’s a mature age, has perky boobs, big blonde hair, she can cook, and her biggest fear is unused potential. Let’s put this girl in the top tier of our brackets and watch as she kills it.
Virginia Beach, VA
Wait, I thought this was Jenny.
Lauren G. is owning that backbend. She’s also owning the fact that she stole last season’s Bachelorette Rachel’s face, minus the gap tooth. I find it interesting that she mentions her tattoos are “small and hidden” but a couple of them are on her fingers, which I consider out in the open. The isn’t obsessed with fairy tales, but believes in romance and loves the show This Is Us. LG will go far.
New Roads, LA
Recent Masters Graduate
Lauren J. is an old lady at the ripe age of 33. When asked what she would do to impress a man, LJ boldly answers “I’d let him know I like him. I’m over games.” Lauren J. will first take down the other Laurens and then pick the rest off one-by-one. She’s had a long time to make sure her strategy is rock solid, since she’s a recent masters graduate with no job to fill out in the occupation blank of her questionnaire.
Social Media Manager
Lauren S. gave the best answers of anyone else in the roster. She was smart, witty, and funny. That’s a legitimate trifecta of potential. Her age is a plus, she loves Taylor Swift, and her highest athletic achievement is “participation award.” The Laurens have come to play!
American Fork, UT
Maquel is a baby. Do you know how I know she’s a baby without looking at her baby age? She uses the word “obvi” and the hashtag #Hangry in her answers. The most outrageous thing she’s ever done is going on The Bachelor, due to the fact that she’s twelve years old and hasn’t had any other life experiences. Also, she totally loves Halloween. If you go look at Maquel’s Instagram right now, there will be at least four pictures of her dressed like Elsa from Frozen.
Salt Lake City, UT
Marikh looks like a 2.0 version of Ashlee I-Lashes.
HEY NYSHA — EAT A SANDWICH.
I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with the natural look, but comparing Olivia to the others, it appears she phoned it in. No makeup, no flashy tank top, no non-statement statement necklace. I thought her head was pretty solid on her shoulders, until I got to the favorite book of all time question. Come on, Liv. Even if Fifty Shades of Grey legitimately is your favorite book of all time, you never ever admit that out loud where other people can hear, let alone on profile that the entire world can read. Bless her heart.
Long Beach, CA
Commercial Real Estate Manager
Seinne is subliminally trying to tell the others that she will be the final one standing at the Home Depot proposal by wearing a lace wedding dress. Also, how do you think we pronounce her name? S-E-E-N? SEE-IN? SIGH-EEN?
Tia is way too normal to be on this show, therefore, I’ll have to make fun of her hometown name for the rest of the season. Weiner. (hee hee)
Valerie is a tall drink of water. A tall drink of potentially crazy water. She’s a waitress in Nashville, which is code for “she wants to drop an album by the end of 2018 before her fifteen minutes of fame are up.” She has over fifty costumes in her closet, because she loves Halloween that much. How many costumes from the naughty section of Party City do you think she owns?
Arie has a lot from which to choose this season. Do you have any favorites? Head over to the I Hate Green Beans podcast and listen to episode 29 as Some Guy in Austin and I break down the roster with our top picks.
BRING ON THE BRICK WALLS!