When Our Host Chris Harrison announced Bachelorette Becca’s beaus live on Facebook, I was ecstatic. I adore LIVE Harrison with my whole heart. There were glitches on the monitor and he handled them like a boss. A boss whose turquoise blue eyes pierce my soul. A boss who smells like three fingers of whiskey, worn leather, and heroism and knows how to wear the hell out of a navy blue suit.

Where was I?

Oh yes, Becca’s beaus. There are twenty-eight men who are ready to go on a love journey to potentially fill in the gap left by one Mr. Arie Luyendyk, Jr. and his teeny tiny blonde fiancé. At first glance, the assortment of participants looks promising!

One thing that is irritatingly absent from this crop of suitors is the ever-so-revealing questionnaire answers. You know the one where ABC asks candidates what three things they would bring on an island or who they would invite to dinner. All we have this season is an average of three sentences, which is a travesty in my opinion.

Most of our guys like dogs, dancing, and modeling. Half have been or are currently professional athletes. This does help me get excited for what’s to come next week, but I still wish I knew how many had tattoos or those who love their mamas.

I will say that Becca must have let the show runners know that she is looking for a capital M-A-N. These guys are dressed to the nines in their headshots. There’s barely a t-shirt or Henley in the group. Hair is coiffed. Teeth are polished. Blazers are pressed. Occupations seem valid.

All very good signs.

One thing to note: Our Host Chris Harrison warns us that many of the guys are dramatic. Does this bother me? Not in the slightest. Why? Because the best seasons revolve around drama and strong independent women.

Let’s meet the guys!

Alex
31
Construction Manager
Atlanta, GA

Well hello, Alex! I do love a guy in gingham. The hair is great. Scruff is nice. His bio seems normal. Southern good old boy with a dog, a boat, and a love of both water and snow. He seems like the grown up version of the gangly kid next door who grew a few feet and gained weight while working on his uncle’s ranch out in West Texas hauling hay all summer. You never noticed him until he came home looking like that. Here’s hoping he’s not a dork.

Blake
28
Sales Rep
Bailey, CO

My first thought was that Blake looks like a youth pastor. Clean shaven and a shirt buttoned up to his Blake’s apple, with a wholesome look about him. He considers himself to be a romantic and believes that people need “me time” when they are in a relationship. I’m not sure Blake believes that as much as he’s been told that in the past. Could he be a clinger?

What we do know is that Blakey Boy can play football, basketball, and can swing dance. Someone cue the queue up the Gap commercial from 1998 and let’s see what this dude can do. And yes, we did used to wear our khakis that baggy.

Chase
27
Advertising VP
Sanford, FL

Chase is the villain from a bad 80s movie.

Chris
30
Sales Trainer
Orlando, FL

I’m not sure how I feel about the silky Member’s Only jacket, but I do appreciate his effort to choose a color that matches his eyes. From this angle, it appears that Mr. Chris has dabble in hair plugs, but that’s okay since he plans on retiring by the age of forty. He’ll need those plugs so his hair can blow in the breeze when he cruising the Mediterranean in his yacht. Chris claims to be a sales trainer, but his bio has an awful lot of information about fitness and health. Will he be the next Peter and start a fitness regime after his fifteen minutes of fame are up? We shall see…

Christian
28
Banker
San Diego, CA

Sweet Christian was born in Mexico and moved here with his mother when he was a toddler. He played soccer here, but an injury forced him into the banking business. I have a feeling Christian would rather be in athletic shorts and a tank top verses a suit. How do I know this? Because his biggest fear in life is “spilling something on himself.” If that’s not the cry of a bored person, I don’t know what is. Cheer up, C-Dawg. You certainly know how to rock a pair of eyebrows and there are four guys in the house who can offer you modeling advice. Hang in there, amigo. Your American dream is on the horizon.

Christon
31
Former Harlem Globetrotter
Los Angeles, CA

Let the record show that his current job is a “professional dunker in LA.” This has to be my all-time favorite career in Bachelor franchise history.

Clay
30
Pro Football Player
Chicago, IL

According to the light stalking I did on Sports Illustrated‘s website, Clay here is currently a free agent in the NFL. He has played for the Philadelphia Eagles, Jacksonville Jaguars, Detroit Lions, New Orleans Saints, and New England Patriots. So when he says he played professional football, he actually means that he played professional football. Our Host says that Clay is a true athlete and a true gentleman. Did you hear that? ENDORSEMENT FROM THE HARE.

Colton
26
Former Pro Football Player
Denver, CO

Yes, Colton is good looking and sure, I find it sort of hot that he’s dressed as a T-Bird. Would I dress as a Pink Lady to impress him? Probably so. The more troubling news is that Our Host claims that there is a “big story” that he and Becca will have to deal with that comes from the tabloids. My guess is that he is somehow connected to a previous contestant or is BFF with Arie. His bio is all about football, his football injury, helping kids with Cystic Fibrosis, his family, and his dog. Sounds a bit too good to be true, which probably means it is too good to be true.

Connor
25
Fitness Coach
St. Petersburg, FL

Oh look! Aaron Rodgers has another brother on The Bachelorette! What a coincidence.

Darius
26
Pharmaceutical Sales Rep
Sherman Oaks, CA

I like Darius. He likes to dance and feels that his mission in life is to give back to others. The only qualm I have with his bio is that he has been to “over eleven countries” in the past few years. Why phrase it “over eleven,” Darius? Why not more than ten or just flat out tell us how many countries you’ve visited in the past few years. Wouldn’t that be more exciting? Isn’t twelve better than eleven?

David
25
Venture Capitalist
Denver, CO

This is Andy Roddick’s doppelgänger who is so frustrated that he hasn’t found his own Brooklyn Decker, that he decided to go on The Bachelorette to see if his luck changes. Having Roddick’s face isn’t enough to stand out from the crowd, so David makes the choice to arrive at the mansion in a chicken suit. Sholphins are soooooo two seasons ago.

Garrett
29
Medical Sales Rep
Reno, NV

Everyone, meet one of my frontrunners! He’s kind and strong and has a job. Woo hoo!

Grant
27
Electrician
Danville, CA

Harrison says that Grant looks like Matt Damon. I don’t see it. What I did get excited about in Grant’s bio is his gift for sarcasm. That’s my spiritual gift, too. Could Grant be my soulmate?

Jake
29
Marketing Consultant
Minneapolis, MN

Jake likes to write poems. Sounds about right.

Jason
29
Sr. Corporate Banker
Seattle, WA

Jason’s bio says that he likes to belt out Disney tunes. By the looks of him, Jason is the guy Uncle Sal whacks on the way home from the family reunion. Probably because he was singing Disney tunes. Forgetaboutit.

Jean Blanc
31
Colognoisseur
Pensacola, FL

Colognoisseur is neither a word nor a vocation. Mission accomplished, Jean Blanc. I’m intrigued.

Joe
31
Grocery Store Owner
Chicago, IL

I bet if you asked Joe right now if he has a knife in his pocket, he would answer, “Of course.” I’m also going to be he drives a truck and knows how to grill.

John
28
Software Engineer
San Francisco, CA

Harrison claims that John is the richest guy who has ever competed on The Bachelorette. He won’t make it past night one.

Jordan
26
Male Model
Crystal River, FL

Prediction: Jordan will be full of himself.

Kamil
30
Social Media Participant
Monroe, NY

Excuse me while I take a moment to add “social media participant” to my writing resume.

Leo
31
Stuntman
Studio City, CA

Yes to Aquaman. Yes to the fact that he’s a hunky stuntman. Yes that he will have a man bun on episode two. Yes to the fact that his hair is better than mine. ALL THE AMENS IN THE WORLD!

Lincoln
26
Account Sales Executive
Los Angeles, CA

Lincoln is the one who crashed After the Final Rose and called Arie a wanker. We should all root for him and his adorable accent.

Mike
27
Sports Analyst
Cincinnati, OH

“Excuse me, live version of the Beast? You’re needed on stage to set your marks, please.”

Nick
27
Attorney
Orlando, FL

Just how far down is Nick’s shirt unbuttoned? Also, doe she feel a bit frat boy to you? Like he’s ready to tap the next keg?

Rickey
27
IT Consultant
San Diego, CA

I’m sorry, Rickey, the jaunty boy tie does not deter from the silky Member’s Only jacket. Did y’all get those in a welcome gift bag or something? Did it come with a scrunchie for Aquaman and the Beast?

Ryan
26
Banjoist
Manhattan Beach, CA

They say Ryan is quirky. You know who else is quirky? BECCA!

Trent
28
Realtor
Naples, FL

Trent’s bio says he is a model. He has been on the cover of romance novels and has done catalog work as well.

I think that’s him on the left…

Wills
29
Graphic Designer
Los Angeles, CA

Wills loves Harry Potter. Lincee loves Harry Potter. Through the power of the transitive property, Lincee must love Wills.

JUST ONE MORE WEEK! Who are you rooting for? Do you see Becca’s husband in this bunch? Sound off in the comments section and tune in to the IHGB podcast this week for Some Guy in Austin’s thoughts!