Meet Bachelorette Rachel’s Guys
Bachelorette Rachel’s Suitors:
Can you believe that we are about to launch into Season 13 of The Bachelorette? It’s hard to believe that we have cycled through that many ladies looking for love after they didn’t find it on The Bachelor. Doesn’t it seem like yesterday that Trista and Ryan were pouring blue and pink sand together in a tall jar from Pottery Barn during their live televised wedding to symbolize their commitment to one another? What a momentous ocassion, forever preserved in the Bachelor cannon.
And now we’ve reached another momentous moment. Rachel, the first African-American lead in the history of the franchise, is journeying to find amazing love. Thanks to the hard working men and women who relentlessly follow these jokers all around mansions, group date locations, airports, and engagement pedals by the sea, we get to join in on the fun.
We salute you, guy in charge of buying all that protein for the upcoming season. Special thanks goes out to the people who provide well-timed BLEEPS for excessive f-bombs and well-placed Black Modesty Boxes over undercarriages or blatant display of boobs. All hail the ABC Physiotherapist who doesn’t have the opportunity to hide behind the couch cushion mumbling “pineapple” on repeat, because she’s too busy offering little white pills to the person hyperventilating in the back of the rejection limo. I’d also like to recognize the individuals who styled and dressed our bachelorette and suitors. Please tell me the bro romper will make an appearance this season.
And to you, the ABC Intern. You are the wind beneath all of our wings. You manage to not burn down the mansion, even though thousands of candles sit on every flat surface. We know that those whimsical pillows and animal-themed throw blankets just don’t appear from thin air. And thorns do not magically fall from roses by themselves. We see you, ABC Intern. Our hats off to you.
Finally, to Our Host Chris Harrison. It takes a special person to supervise such nonsense, yet you do it with ease. We also acknowledge that you oversee all operations of the Bachelor cog while looking handsome, debonair, and smelling of single-malt whiskey, old money, and seeing a man about a horse. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times — I get lost in your eyes. And I feel my spirits rise and soar like the wind. Is it love that I am in? I’d say so.
Speaking of love, boy does Rachel have her work cut out for her. I’ve just pored over all of the contestant’s profiles, and I’m here to tell you that on paper, the pickings appear somewhat slim.
Also, as a self-proclaimed prude, I’m ridiculously embarrassed by some of the answers these dudes chose to include on an electronic document that can be seen, printed, and forever revisited by the entire world. YOU CAN’T ERASE THE INTERNET, PEOPLE.
Thanks to what I feel was a combination of Nick’s “Why did you make love to me?” statement during Andi’s season and Kaitlyn’s blatant use of the word “sex” every five seconds, the franchise has officially landed in the raunchy category of reality television.
Here’s hoping Rachel classes it up a bit. Let’s meet the guys!
As a collective group, here’s what I learned about the thirty-one men:
- There are a total of twenty-eight tattoos among the group. We also have one that is being removed and one guy who hasn’t decided what he wants to permanently mark on his body. I’m mostly interested in seeing the caveman one (here’s hoping it’s Captain Caveman) and the TWO who have tats INSIDE THEIR BOTTOM LIPS.
- These guys fall into one of four adoration categories for the following: Matthew McConaughey, Denzel Washington, Elon Musk, and The Rock.
- Many love their mama.
- Many are afraid of bugs and/or spiders.
- Two guys mentioned “The Situation” from Jersey Shore in their profiles. I haven’t thought of him since 2009.
- It’s clear Rachel requested an army of tall lads, because sixteen of them are over 6’2”.
- Most of them have a professional career. Notice I said “most.”
- From a geography standpoint, it looks like Rachel will be totally cool living in Texas, Florida, California, or Chicago. Sad face to all the other guys out there, including the handful from the midwest.
Real Estate Agent
I was all about Adam when I saw his cute face and read that he likes to sit on his couch on Saturday nights and eat late-night tacos. Same here, dude. I even laughed when he admitted that his most embarrassing moment was when he told his mom he was going to be on The Bachelorette. HILARIOUS! Things went a little south after the surface questions. When asked who his favorite actor was, Adam answered Jennifer Lawrence because she is “every girl’s goal.” That doesn’t make a lick of sense to me. I tried to puzzle it through, to give him some sort of benefit of the doubt. Did he mean “Every guy’s dream?” Then I noticed the next question: What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever received? Adam’s answer was a threesome. I gagged a bit and moved on.
Information System Supervisor
Grosse Pointe Park, MI
According to Harrison, Alex’s eyebrows aren’t as strong as they appear. I’m cool with that. His hair is more concerning than his brows, but he’s very handsome. He once ate a live salamander and gave someone a car as a gift because he likes giving practical presents. (Pssttt…Alex…I’ve always wanted a Jeep Wrangler.) When asked to list his top three favorite groups/artists, Alex answered Coldplay, the Beatles, and “I can’t think of a third one.”
Seriously Alex? You can’t think of three musical artists in your iPod/phone/radio right now? Or any song you liked growing up? Did you ever consider the patriotic route with the evergreen, “God Bless the USA?” I’m baffled.
Education Software Manager
I shall call him Mr. Clean. Doesn’t he look good in mint green? He’s a reader, you know. And once taught English to kids in Indonesia. Mr. Clean had solid, normal answers, until I got to this one: “If you were stranded on a desert island, what would it be made of?”
What in the world does that mean? Uhm, it would be made of sand and palm trees? Maybe a cave or two. Hopefully a tower with a WIFI signal and a laptop computer? Why didn’t they ask what three things he would bring if stranded on a desert island. Who cares what it’s made of? Sweet Mr. C says his island would be made of the flesh-eating plants from Life of Pi. I don’t think he understood the question.
Marina del Rey, CA
To paraphrase Our Host Chris Harrison, I think if you are still aspiring to be a drummer at 31, maybe it’s time to hang up the sticks. Alas, Blake E. will not give up. He learned a lot about life when he was engaged that time for 48-hours. ROCK ON, MAN! Not that he had major cool points to begin with, but his meter ticked down a few notches when he admitted that he wanted to see the new 50 Shades of Grey. I did laugh when he confessed that a turn-off to him was when “she tells me about her cats.” I hear you, brother.
U.S. Marine Veteran
San Francisco, CA
Blake K. doesn’t have a lot going on, other than liking the Rock and admiring his mama. He’s scared of sharks, which means producers will have him diving with sharks if he makes it past week two.
Things get confusing when his profile question reads: “If you were stranded on a dessert island, what would it be made of?”
Okay, is it desert island or dessert island? Is this supposed to be tongue-and-cheek funny or did the ABC Intern not getting enough rest in the days leading up to season 13? Either way, Blake K. answers “Chipotle.”
I give up.
Brady, Brady, Brady. He looks like the high school bully in a John Hughes movie. He wants to be Channing Tatum when he grows up because all he wants in life is money, to be good looking, have a hot wife, and dance. The most romantic thing anyone ever gave Brady was Lululemon. “She knew the way to my heart was cuddling on the couch in well-made high-quality sweatpants.”
I’m going to leave that right there.
Okay, people, we need to pay attention to Bryan. Based on his profile and ruggedly handsome photo, I think he is a major contender. The profile asked for his three best attributes. He listed seven. Bryan wants to be Bill Gates for a day so he can give all his money away to people in need. He likes Sports Center, watching The Bachelor (smart), and he speaks Spanish. Since he’s a grandpa at the ancient age of 37, he also has plans for having children one day. Two boys and girl, in case you were wondering.
I don’t know about this guy. At first glance, he seems legit, like he could play one of the warriors in Lord of the Rings. But if you read between the lines, there’s a hint of jack wagonry going on. He saved someone’s life in a high speed pursuit on a motorcycle (sounds noble) but then caught a girl’s hair on fire whilst doing the horizontal tangle (opposite of noble.).
A.) I’m glad he is a firefighter and was able to take care of that situation.
B.) He needs to talk to the ABC Intern about proper candle placement.
Bryce also wants a girl who has “eyes you could drown in” and “ a smile that insults the sun.” Is he a poet or is he serious? No pressure, Rachel. Bryce describes his amorous activities as a “fresh drink of water with a bolt of lightning.” He also wants to be a professional Instagrammer. Please. BRING ON THE NEXT ONE!
Methinks Dean doesn’t technically know which reality show he signed up for since he wrote “marriage is an institutionalized sham derived from religious beliefs.” He followed that statement with, “When I get married, it’s a lifelong commitment.” Pick a lane, Dean. The same is true with how he answered the desert/dessert question.
“If you were stranded on a dessert island, what would it be made of?”
Dean said mint chocolate chip ice cream (hooray!) and hot Cheetos (so close.)
Century City, CA
Harrison warned us that DeMario (who we met on After the Final Rose) may not be here for the right reasons (right reasons). There’s a layer of that sentiment in his profile answers. Do you know what else there’s a layer of? Joyful entertainment. Feast your eyes on this:
Would you describe yourself as “the party-starter,” “the wingman” or “the laid back one”?
100% the party starter… always blowing my whistle and making NOISE!!! Let’s fire it up, put on some Prince and party like it’s 1999!!!!
Do you like being the center of attention, or do you prefer being more mysterious and why?
I won’t lie, I love attention… not like ’07 B. Spears attention or 2011 Sheen. Natural attention like when Justin and Brit wore those incredible denim outfits.
What is the most romantic present you have ever given and why?
Surprise tickets to see Beyoncé and Jay Z, because Bey and Jay = everyone’s relationship goals.
Do you have any phobias that would prohibit your participation in certain activities?
No, I’m perfect.
What is your ideal mate’s personality like?
Outgoing, people person, funny, crazy, calm, cool, loud, funny, geeky but cool like The Fonz.
Senior Inventory Analyst
Diggy may try to trick you into thinking he’s the Urkel type. Don’t be fooled by the glasses. All of his answers involved drinking, sexual positions, Spring Break, the Devil Wears Prada, faking being asleep after a one-night-stand, and not going to jail for you. Harrison said he’s a serious guy. We shall see.
Los Angeles, CA
Now we’re getting somewhere. Eric has the normal desert island question (which three items would you bring) and he answers water, Proverbs, and his phone. He also wants to go to Mardi Gras because he’s never been. And Eric could live in any time period, it would be “before money was involved.”
I am digging the Carlton Banks vibe Fred has going on! Rumor has it, Rachel was his camp counselor back in the day! Fred probably thinks this is so cool. I guarantee you Rachel will think it’s creepy. He needs to hold the information in his back pocket or he’ll be sent home early on.
Emergency Medicine Physician
New York, NY
I like this guy. On paper, he appears normal. If I had to guess, I’d say he’s smarter than he leads on. He seems to have a great personality too. Grant used to sing “Ice Ice Baby” on stage at his friends’ bar mitzvahs (YES) and once shaved a brain into his hair during the time he took a neuroanatomy class. Had I been his professor, I would have given him bonus points for creativity. When asked what period of time he would live in, Grant chose a place where we know there will be money — anywhere in the future. He’s younger than Rachel, and he’s not in the over six-foot club, but I think she should give him a shot. He’d be especially handy when fights break out and blood is drawn from testosterone-driven skirmishes.
Consulting Firm CEO
Iggy’s favorite magazine is the Harvard Business Review. He hates it when his dates are dumb. That is all I have to say about that.
Y’all, this is another one who screams potential. He loves his mama who died of cancer. He likes to read, walk his dogs, and work out. The best dates are those when you don’t want to leave the other person. He likes all music and once sky dived in the Swiss Alps.
And he could be a character on a daytime soap opera. Do you think Jack Stone is a double name? Like Peggy Sue? Or is it his first and last name and people assume it’s a double name? Like Lincee Ray?
Here are some potential kinks:
She’s from Dallas. He’s from Dallas. She’s an attorney. He’s an attorney. She’s 32. He’s 32.
Are they too much alike?
Sales Account Executive
Santa Monica, CA
Jamey’s desert island (not dessert) would be made of chocolate and peanut butter. I guess I’ll allow it. What I won’t allow is his ridiculous answer to the question, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” Jamey is “trying not to make plans in life.”
This is exactly what Rachel signed up for! Well done recruiting team. Well done.
Jedidiah is a quirky one. He would like you to know that he doesn’t currently have any dogs, but the ones he used to have were more than half wolf. Okay.
He also stripped in high school and made $50, built his parents’ log cabin, made whoopee on a glacier. Noted.
Socks and good pens make him happy.
Question: Do we trust this guy to tend to our needs in an emergency situation?
Smyrna Beach, FL
I’m not going to dignify this with a write-up.
PS: His nickname will be Elmo.
Ft. Lauderdale, FL
Josiah’s profile was pretty normal. He likes to smoke cigars, hang out on South Beach (or do you hang out AT South Beach?), ski, shoot guns, play football, and dance. Fun fact: He’s been catfished before!
Las Vegas, NV
I have officially decided to root for this guy. I have a feeling he’s going to be so much better than that crazy Rated R wrestler from Allie’s season. Harrison says he cries more than any other contestants, but he can also beat them up if they make fun of him. SO SWEET! He loves Denzel and The Rock (surprise) and would like to live in ancient Egypt. I guess he won’t be seeing Eric there.
Los Angeles, CA
Kyle decides to go out on a limb and state Donald Glover, the poor man’s Denzel, as his favorite actor. I admire that. On the other hand, he’s not really sure what gluten is, but has decided to order gluten-free options whenever he can. Sigh.
Lee is our resident singer who will tote around a guitar. He admits that he’s played every venue in Nashville. If stranded on a desert (not dessert) island, he would bring a hook, a girl, and fire. Not matches…actual fire. Lee also is confident he could learn to make booze on said island.
Santa Monica, CA
I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is yes. Lucas could be cast in the next Nicholas Sparks movie. Unlike the Tickle Monster, I was sucked into Lucas’ profile, even though his career is a completely made up word. Newsflash: Harrison says “whaboom” is an essence…a lifestyle. I’ll refrain from calling Lucas a chach for now because if he was stranded on a desert (not dessert) island, he would bring a waterproof lighter (that’s code for fire), a spear gun, and the cast of The View. If he could be any superhero, he’d be Superman with Batman’s money. Nice. Lucas likes to dance tango, swing, ballroom, Russian (like in the Nutcracker?), freestyle, and the “good old fashioned bump and grind.” His ideal mate is an amalgamation of Belle, Cinderella, The Little Mermaid, and Jessica Rabbit.
He definitely stands out. I’ll give him that.
Construction Sales Rep
I’m not sure what to think about Matthew who likes to go by Matt. Connecticut doesn’t seem likely for Rachel, even though he has been a basketball coach to inner city kids for ten years. Sure he likes Justin Timberlake (duh), John Mayer (meh), and the band Train (I only know “Drops of Jupiter”), I’m not sure this one is going to be a fit. This will be a surprise if Matthew Matt makes it far.
Former Professional Basketball Player
Michael’s favorite show is . This made me smile.
Hotel Recreation Supervisor
North Bay Village, FL
Milton is “that guy.” I’m pretty sure he’s the one who we will grow to hate. He once lived four months without power, and had to take a cold shower every day. I find it odd that he didn’t he just use the hotel recreation facilities. He is the supervisor, after all. Milton also brags that he was “Kobe in college” and “being romantic can mean you are weak.”
Then Milton gets real on us. He admits that he wants to be discovered after being on this show. Milton wants to break into acting or writing. He will do well in Paradise.
Mohit will not go far, I’m sure of it, but he did have a couple of unique answers. He claims he is going to dress up as “gluten” for Halloween and that it only takes him the length of an episode of Seinfeld to get ready. I wonder if he wears puffy shirts? Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
Peter has potential. He’s keeping everything close to the vest, including his career. He doesn’t like heights (cue the bungee date). He once moved to Athens to model. He’s been in three Ironmans and likes Modern Family. Thanks to that ABC shout-out, Peter will live to see past the first week.
I’m not sure about Robert Rob. He’s adorable in a poster hanging in the Abercrombie window kind of way, but his answers seem bleak. I truly believe he thinks he is an alien.
This guy loves Will Smith and hates Tinder. Me too.
There you have it! Who are you initial contenders? Do you have a favorite? Will Bachelorette Rachel find love? Sound off in the comments section. I want to hear your thoughts!