My eyes. MY EYES!

Remember that Friends episode where Ross tries to get Ugly Naked Guy’s apartment? The one where Phoebe and Rachel go with him and see Monica and Chandler “doing it” up against the window?

Let me refresh your memory. Pay close attention to Phoebe’s reaction right around the 50 second mark:

Dear reader. That is how I felt last night while I was watching Jake dance. I was at my friend Caroline’s house and when Jake’s music started and he slid across the floor, Caroline just kept pointing and saying something along the lines of, “NONONONONONONONONONO…” I, on the other hand, kept yelling, “He’s in his underwear. HE’S IN HIS UNDERWEAR!”

Of course, neither of us could look away from the train wreck and eventually, the memory was burned inside our brains forever.

Sometimes at night when I close my eyes, I can still see the tighty whities.

Needless to say, we were in shock. I’m fumbling around shouting, “MY EYES! MY EYES!” while Caroline stares in awe at the TV shaking her head mumbling questions under her breath like, “Why Chelsie? Why would you do that to us?” and “Was that necessary?” and “Will I ever be the same?”

Clearly tonight was Jake’s exhibition episode. He was all sorts of halfway naked throughout the entire spot. In the rehearsal package when Chelsie announced that they would be doing Risky Business for their movie theme, Jake proudly told the camera that he has been told he looks like Tom Cruise. Then he flashed a grin, told the camera guy to hold on for 10 minutes while he made a call.

A quick punch of speed dial #2 on his trusty cell phone and Jake is speaking directly to the ABC intern who is currently on location for Ali’s season. Fortunately, he was in LA at a Dollar Store getting buckets, shovels and tiki torches for Ali’s one-on-one date with Bachelor Ted that night and agreed to secure a volleyball for Jake. He ran it by the Dancing with the Stars dance studio before heading back to Ali’s mansion in Beverly Hills.

Jake trots off to his “motorcycle” and gets his aviator sunglasses and favorite pair of worn-out jeans.

Because you never know when you are going to have to create a moment from your favorite movie Top Gun.

And let the record show that I’m pretty sure he had on red Asics cheerleading shoes.

Jake saunters in the studio without a shirt on while tossing the volleyball up in the air. Chelsie reminds him that he is impersonating the wrong movie and demands he gets his head in the game and learns the cha-cha. She tells Jake he thinks too much and encourages him to not be so analytical.

Jake: I know Chelsie. You don’t have time to think up here. When you think, you’re dead.

Chelsie: What do you mean “up here?”

Jake: You can be my wing man anytime.

Chelsie: Your what? Look Jake. I’m running the show here.

Jake: I feel the need…

Chelsie: There’s no time Jake. I’m not going to get Vienna.

Jake: I feel the need

Chelsie: [rolls her eyes]

Jake: I FEEL THE NEED…

Chelsie: …The need for speed. Can we practice now?

Jake: Negative Ghost Rider, the pattern is full.

Chelsie stabs the volleyball with one of the pins holding her new black hair extensions and walks away for some alone time. Jake takes off his pants and practices his slide.

I remember some parts of the dance. I remember feeling a mixture of confusion and utter relief when Chelsie hands Jake a pair of pants to put on at the beginning of the number. And then I don’t remember anything else. Because I was blind.

According to the judges, Jake had his best routine. Bruno was disappointed he put his pants back on. I’m happy he did, otherwise there could have been a major wardrobe malfunction in which Little Maverick made an appearance. He even beat Maks and Erin and Pamela and Australian Guy. I’m pretty sure he was in third place which is a mystery to me.

What do you guys think? Was I totally off? Should I re-watch the show now that I know what’s coming? Why was Kate wearing a prom dress that Watercolor Barbie would have worn if there was such a Barbie? Do you think Nicole is going to win? Do you love Evan’s sweet answers in the Celebuquarium?

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