Oh the DRAMA!
Oh my. What in the world? Seriously? You’ve got to be kidding me. Huh? Note to self. I think I’m going to hurl. Where’s my bucket? I need to stay behind this pillow. Shut up. Oh no she didn’t! NERVOUS LAUGHTER. I’m so embarrassed for her right now. Can I crawl under this couch? Mute button. Press the mute button now. Is that a leotard? I’m going to need something sharp to jab in my ear. Inappropriate and you know better young lady. Sick! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP! LA LA LA LA NOT LISTENING LA LA LA LA NOT LISTENING!
And that was just in the first 10 minutes of the show. It’s THE most dramatic season of the Bachelor ladies and gentlemen and I loved every minute of it.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Christmas candy or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Oh my. What a train wreck and a glorious ride last night! Can I get an amen? And the mayhem started from the get-go with none other than our favorite wacky challenge…BACHELORETTE KARAOKE!
Oh it’s on.
Our Host Chris Harrison reminds the girls that this week, there will be one group date, a two-on-one (where only the strong survive) and a one-on-one date. In order to find out who will be the lucky girl to hang out with Jason, the girls will have to write and perform an original love song for our Bachelor. And snap! You have 30 minutes! Ready, set, GO!
Needless to say, tank tops, scarves and side ponytails went scattering in various directions. Naomi mutters under her breath that she is nervous. Molly channels her inner Tina Fey and concludes that humor will get her the rose. Shannon starts chanting word-for-word (because she had it memorized) Jason’s rap from DDAHnna’s season and begins changing lyrics to match her own feelings.
And Lauren lets the viewing audience know that her little ditty is going to be melodically pleasant and something you would probably hear on the radio just in time for Spring Break 2009. Holla!
We find beauty queen Nikki hyperventilating in the bathroom. The ABC Psychotherapist is with her trying to calm her nerves.
Nikki: “I can’t do this. I’m having a hard time. It’s impossible. Create a masterpiece in 30 minutes? It can’t be done! Why are you doing this to me?”
PSYCHOTHERAPIST: “Technically, we are at about 25 minutes Nikki, but don’t concentrate on that. Concentrate on what you know. And that’s how to win. Win pageants! You can do this. I know you can!”
Nikki: “It’s very hard for me to open up. I don’t know how to be creative. I’m too much of a control freak. I can’t be silly. It’s not my nature. I hate singing.”
PSYCHOTHERAPIST: “What did you do for your talent when you won Miss Illinois Nikki? Everyone sings. Surely you can whip out some ‘Old Man River’ or “God Bless the USA.’ Everyone loves a patriot.”
Nikki: “Fool! Are you trying to sabotage me? You heard the rules. THEY SAY IT HAS TO BE A LOVE SONG! Rules are meant to be followed. Besides, my talent for Miss Illinois was not singing. I embraced the arts. I twirled fire in the preliminaries and did a ventriloquist act during the finals. Her name was Aurora and she was a fairy princess from far away looking for her one true love.”
PSYCHOTHERAPIST: “Maybe you can sing Happy Birthday?”
Nikki: “I would rather have a tarantula crawling up my arm. Oh the horror. How many minutes left?”
PSYCHOTHERAPIST: “We are down to 17. Is there ANYTHING you feel comfortable singing?”
Nikki: “Babies. I’ll recite the lullaby I sing to my pretend baby when I’m home by myself watching Steel Magnolias on weekends. I totally have it memorized. But what about my stage fright?”
PSYCHOTHERAPIST: “Close your eyes Nikki.”
Nikki: “I know I’m pretty, but I’m not comfortable with that weird thing that Stephanie does…”
PSYCHOTHERAPIST : “No, no. Well…maybe later. But my point is…close your eyes. Can you see the baby? Can you smell the baby?”
Nikki: “Yes. I smell baby powder and Destin diaper rash cream.”
PSYCHOTHERAPIST: “Own the moment girl and make me proud.”
Jason tells us that forcing the girls to make a fool of themselves is something he’s always wanted to do since DD did it to him last year. But this isn’t about embarrassing them. It’s about who opens up and just goes for it.
Molly is up first. Here’s a little snippet from her song.
Sing to the lyrics of “I Like Big Butts.”
I like burgers and hot French fries.
You other foods can’t deny
And when a boy walks in
With a great big grin
And a bag of Chick-Fil-A
A rose apparently.
Shannon raps about how hot their love connection is.
Jason gives a fake smile.
Melissa talks about oysters, watery eyes and blimps that talk to her.
Jason thinks she’s so cute.
Naomi sings about how she is a butterfly.
Jason wonders there’s a tiger somewhere in there to unleash.
Stephanie sings opera at the top of her lungs. It’s not that we care that all the mirrors and crystal champagne flutes broke during her turn. I’m sure you were more transfixed by the outfit, or lack thereof, that Stephanie had on. No, no…it wasn’t a pink half shirt and skinny volleyball shorts. I’m 100% confident that it was an outfit straight up from Sophie’s closet. I believe she was also wearing toast tights. I’m just saying.
Jillian hops up on the bar and reenacts the “Cowboy” scene from “Coyote Ugly.”
Jason howls at the moon.
Lauren has the ABC intern fetch her microphone and sound system while she practices some vocal exercises in the bathroom. Once she gets the “one minute knock,” she returns to the group, waves and thanks them for coming to hear the show. Lauren sings about being all alone and wondering if I should go home. This is subliminal messages she’s directing towards Jason, because clearly SHE is in control and will decide if she stays or leaves. Then she talks about how this thing we call love is a leap of faith in the chorus. All the girls are watching Jason’s reaction, because Lauren is definitely the best singer of the group.
Notice I said group. I didn’t say she was a finalist on American Idol.
Meanwhile, Nikki is fanning herself because she is so nervous. She practices her breathing techniques and plasters the fake smile across her face as she heads toward the front of the group. She tells Jason that this is a song she wants to sing to her baby one day. When she’s done, the ABC psychotherapist walks her back to her seat.
Jason is proud of the girls for trying so hard, but he’s super stoked about the one girl who talked about him the entire song…and that was Molly!
Let’s stay home tonight at my place.
Molly’s date is all about keeping it real. Fast food and fake camping.
Now part of me wants to be funny and say something along the lines of, “Geez ABC! What’s up with the budget? Did you spend all your money betting on Spray Tan Natalie in Vegas? Diamonds, jets and blimps to Big Macs, REI equipment and s’mores?”
But reader…that would be a pretty good date in my mind.
Jason said that this date is just like him…chill.
Molly tells us that she’s so excited, she could pee in her pants.
Jason lays out a picnic in the living room. They chow down on burgers, fries and talk about life, love and other mysteries. Molly says that she’s ready for the next step in her life. Because she’s just out of college and there’s a whole big world out there to experience! She admits that she wants to have kids one day.
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
Sweet Molly. Get your head in the game. Jason ALREADY HAS a kid.
Home boy calls her out and says, “Well…how do you feel about dating someone who is divorced and already has a child?”
Molly delicately back pedals and says that she has no problem with someone who has been married before with kids. Then she does some weird voo-doo with her eyes and makes Jason get lost in the sparkle. His words…not mine.
Jason loans Molly some of his comfy clothes and takes her out to a tent on the putting green in the back yard. They make s’mores and visit about how tough it is for Molly to share him with other girls.
They sit Indian style and talk about it.
Molly: “I’m having the time of my life. I see myself with someone like you.”
Jason: “That’s great. It’s hard for me to sit like this because my knees are 10 years older than yours, but keep going.”
Molly: “When I think of qualities I want in a husband, you have them all.”
Jason: “Seriously. I’m going to have to straighten this leg out. And your eyes are doing that weird come hither thing. Let’s make out.”
Molly: “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you.”
Jason: “I’m going to give you this rose so we can take this party into the party tent. Will you accept this rose?”
Molly: “Of course!”
Jason: “Great. Intern…did you get what was on my list? Is everything in there? Good. Hop in girl. Move all those pillows and rose petals out of the way. Pay no attention to what’s in that brown paper bag. We’ll get to that later. Let me zip this up so we can be alone.”
Then we hear laughing. And Jason telling Molly she has super soft skin. I didn’t make that up. And then we hear smacking noises. And a zipper.
I’m quite sure that the smacking noises were from Molly eating her burger three hours prior to this moment. And since they both had on basketball shorts, I’m pretty sure the zipping sounds we heard was regurgitated sound bites from the tent. I’m just saying.
But then we hear distinct, very graphic moaning sounds coming from the tent. Our Host Chris Harrison steps in and tells the pervy ABC cameramen to give the guys some privacy and the next thing we know, we are at the cougar den with the other women.
Where we find Stalker Shannon waiting up for Molly to return home so she can hear how the date went.
Unfortunately, Stalker Shannon didn’t expect the rooster crowing or the subtle squeak of the front door opening to wake her from the uncomfortable position on the couch. All the girls in matching robes attack Molly when she enters the casa making her walk of shame through the kitchen. Stalker Shannon wanders over to the group and asks, “When did you get in?”
Molly plasters a grin on her face and doesn’t even have to answer because all the other girls answer for her. Stalker Shannon gives the best death glare of the season!
Molly: “I didn’t get much sleep. I’ll be napping all day long. I sure hope Jason doesn’t fall asleep on the big group date today. Bye girls!”
Melissa doesn’t like that Molly smells like Jason and is wearing his pants.
Jillian, Lauren, Shannon, Megan, Melissa, Naomi
Want to play doctor?
Nikki learns that she is not going on the group date and will be “up against” Stephanie in the dreaded two-on-one date. She announces to the group that she will start crying in 3.4 seconds and Stephanie rushes to her side to cradle and rock her in comfort.
The doctor date girls have no clue what they are doing until they pull up outside General Hospital. The phrase “SHUT UP” was uttered 19 times in the limo. I counted. They talk about how they are on a Hollywood set. I personally do not think daytime soap operas are Hollywood, but that’s just me. Now if we were at the GCAC talking to Young & the Restless actors…that would be a different story.
Stalker Shannon holds Jason in a death grip. She’s a bit concerned because the last time she saw Jason, she had a bit of vomit hanging from her lower lip. She is confident that today is the day she needs to make a move.
Jason lets the girls know that they will not be watching…put participating in a soap opera. The girls are PUMPED! Random actress one and dorky actor two take the gaggle down to hair and makeup, conveniently stockpiled with all the Fredrick’s of Hollywood slut Halloween outfits a girl could dream about!
Shannon is the slutty nurse. Jillian is the slutty cowgirl. Melissa is the slutty cop.
Lauren is the slutty jilted wife. Naomi is the slutty maid, complete with feather duster. And Megan is just straight up slut in black mesh lingerie.
Jason is wearing scrubs and must role play (literally) with each girl in different scenarios. Random tween actor is excited to be near girls with boobs. Random tween actress asks if anyone would like to show the group how to properly perform an on-screen kiss with Jason.
Stalker Shannon, as she likes to do at rose ceremonies, answers the question before Tween can finish and steps up to the plate. Tween reminds the girls that there is no tongue in film kissing.
Shannon goes all in and kisses Jason with full force in front of the other girls and the tweens. Jason wipes his mouth with the sleeve of his scrubs as Shannon yells, “I kissed Jason! I’m dying! I kissed him! I loved it. I felt a connection. THIS IS REEEEEAAAAALLLLLL!”
Melissa and her weird hair poof are very irritated to see Jason kiss other girls.
Our first take consists of Jason, Naomi the slut maid and Lauren the jilted wife in a scene where Naomi is FORCED to kiss Jason over and over and over and over again. I was so freaking embarrassed that I had to fast forward. I promise you it lasted 10 minutes. They made out about 67 times. No exaggeration.
In scene two, Jillian the sexy cowgirl gets a proposal from Jason and then they share an awkward kiss. Yippe-ki-ay!
For the first time, Megan is able to unleash her inner seductress and just be uninhibited with Jason. She has never kissed him before, but she is going to throw the “no tongue” rulebook out the window and play some tonsil hockey during this rare occasion. Jason’s character says that he only has eyes for her and her black nightgown. Megan jumps his bones and mugs down hard and dirty. It’s like something you would see from Wild Kingdom. Or Lifetime After Dark.
Megan admits to Melissa that is was real and she loved it.
Jason is super stoked and high from making out with six of his 10 fantasies. He is excited to take the girls to a “Hollywood” wrap party on top of a building. There are cool funky chairs, tons of candles, pillows galore and furry blankets for everyone! What comes before part B? PART-A!!!
Jason soon gets a clue and realizes that the mood is not one of a cocktail party, but more on the level of reception at grandma’s house after the funeral. He senses that emotions are really high and decides he should talk to the girls.
Meet Captain Obvious America!
We find Naomi red and blotchy, pouting on the couch.
Jason: “Hey Nay. Sup my playa?”
Naomi: “I’m just upset. I see that you glow when you are with other people.”
Jason: “That’s just this cool face cream Natalie gave me before I gave her the boot. You know that you and I have a connection. You’re my boo.”
Naomi: “This is very scary. You called me boo. Is that a good thing or bad?”
Jason: “I always want the best for you.”
Lincee: “Uh oh.”
Naomi: “But we haven’t had one-on-one time.”
Jason: “I always want the best for you. We will be in each other’s lives forever. With or without each other.”
Lincee: “Crystal clear Jason.”
Jason makes out with Naomi and bounces back to the other girls. Ready to get his robot on like he did at the pool party when everyone had so much fun! But he spies Melissa. And she looks like the Dallas Cowboys just lost the Super Bowl in the last 10 seconds of the fourth quarter.
Jason: “You okay Spunky?”
Melissa: “Watching you interact with other girls really hurts me.”
Jason: “But you understand that I have to do that, right? You understand the concept of the show?”
Melissa: “Yes, but…” Melissa proceeds to ugly cry in front of Jason and immediately hides her face in his chest…which we all appreciated.
Jason: “Hey…I want you to be yourself. Don’t be embarrassed.”
Melissa: “That’s alright. That’s OK. I’m gonna love you anyway.”
Jason gives Melissa spirit sprinkles and wanders over to Our Host Chris Harrison. Our Host slaps him on the back and tells him that the night has just begun with the waterworks. He also informs him that the go-go dancers have been cancelled due to the counseling session that will be taking place in the next two hours. He wishes him good luck and pushes him towards the eagerly awaiting Megan…who takes a different approach: euphoria.
Jason: “Hey Megan. Do you need some Kleenex?”
Megan: “Heck no Jason! I’m sick of everyone crying. I keep telling them to rub some dirt in it and MAN UP!”
Jason: “Thanks Megan! Finally! Someone who is excited that we are at a wrap party. Do you want to go do some Jello shots with me?”
Megan: “In a minute. I just want to thank you first for this perfect night.”
Megan gives Jason an awkward hug. Jason pulls away looking suspicious.
Jason: “What, what?”
Jason: “Why are you sad?”
Megan: “You are such a great person.”
MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY! YOU ARE DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO STALKER SHANNON MODE! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!
Jason: “Come here. Let’s hug it out.”
Megan is upset that Jason didn’t kiss her. She tells us that she is perfect for him but can’t express it because that would be CRAZY! Jason shuffles over to Lauren who is sitting with the Stalker.
Lauren tells the camera that seeing Jason was love at first sight. She says she likes bossing him around and that boys like a girl who is dominate in the relationship.
Lauren: “You need to give me the rose tonight or I’m going to be pissed.”
Jason: “I don’t think you can force me to do anything.”
Lauren: “I’m not forcing you to do anything. I’m saying, if you know what’s best for you, you will give ME the rose tonight. And that’s final.”
That’s their safe word.
Jason, feeling fully defeated, makes his way back over to Our Host Chris Harrison.
Jason: “Dude. Make it stop. I can’t handle one more girl crying right now.”
OHCH: “Dude. You have to keep going. There’s only one left.”
Jason: “But it’s her. How am I supposed to do this with her. I don’t think I can. Where’s the ABC psychotherapist? I need to talk to her.”
OHCH: “We have her on 24-hour watch with Nikki. She’s not here. But she did give me this little yellow pill that will make you feel all better. Do you want it now or after you talk to her?”
Jason: “I think I need it now.”
OHCH: “My thoughts exactly. Now get in there kid!”
Jason does a few jumping jacks, head rolls and trots over to Stalker Shannon. He waits for the mellow yellow pill to kick in. This is going to be a rough 30 minutes.
Shannon: “I just want you to know that this has been so difficult for me. Because I feel I know you and I feel you are cheating on me in front of my very own eyes. How can you do that? You have the best personality. I feel like I’ve frozen up and put wall up. I’ve developed feelings for you and why is someone opening up a squeaky door while I talk? Rude! You can’t let me go. I have so much to offer you and we have a connection. I want a one-on-one and I’m not letting you let me go. You have to believe me right now. Here is my heart on my shoulder. I’m looking for my best friend. I want to be a Mom and meet Ty. I really want to. Trust me okay. I want you to come home with me. We could sleep in the same bed and everything! Just come home with me. Keep me, keep me, keep me.”
Shannon proceeds to dive head first in a panic attack and cries uncontrollably. Because the mellow yellow pill has kicked in, Jason calmly hands her a black paper napkin so that she may excuse herself and blow her nose. However, Shannon chooses to continue her dissertation on “The Wonder That is Jason” as she blows her nose, picks her nose, wipes her nose and stares at him with a dangler in the right nostril and snotty napkin bits on her upper lip.
Shannon: “This is me. I pick my nose. Pick me. Choose me. Love me.”
Jason: “Let me get that for you…”
Jason straight up pulls a straggly hair out of her mouth, wipes the snot remnants off the lip and quietly gestures that there’s a booger she’s missed. Shannon goes digging again and then hands Jason her snot rag. And proceeds to kiss him. Shannon is upset that Jason ended the kiss before it was over. Now she feels rejected.
Let the record show that I’ve emailed Our Host Chris Harrison as to what EXACTLY he gave Jason to help cope with this rather disgusting show of affection. I will let you know and we will all buy them in bulk.
Our Host Chris Harrison notices Jason conversing with Care Bears and decides it’s time to get him home. He encouraged Jason to give the rose to the closest girl (Naomi) and they all leave an emotional wreck.
Stephanie and Nikki
Every princess needs a gown for the ball
Guess what? Nikki is worried she’s going home. Stephanie is pumped that she gets to wear a princess dress!
Jason is developing a stomach ulcer because he doesn’t like either girl and knows that one must go home tonight. He thinks Nikki is sexy, but stays in her protective OCD box. He thinks Steph is awesome, but is concerned that there isn’t a romantic connection.
What better way to open these girls up that a good old fashioned ball room dancing lesson? A lady teaches them how to waltz and they play this weird game of stealing Jason from each other. Nikki is (surprise, surprise) intimidated that she is having to learn something new and can’t practice in the gazebo next door for 10 minutes before Jason sees her. Stephanie reminds the viewing audience that she used to be a ballerina and turns with grace as Jason passes her around the dance floor.
The ABC psychotherapist gives Nikki a brown paper bag as the tears in her eyes glisten among the 40 million twinkle lights. She is upset that Stephanie is “winning.”
“She already had a man once. And she has a daughter. It’s my turn!”
Ouch glamour queen.
Next up? Small talk at the dinner table.
Jason: “How hard would it be for you to move to Seattle?”
Nikki: “Not hard. I don’t have anyone who depends on my. I’m all by myself. I can leave right now. I’m half-way packed.”
Stephanie: “I go wherever love takes me.”
Jason: “How do you see your future?”
Nikki: “My future is wide open and that includes a husband and kids. You have to be flexible. Just like me. I was in an 11 year relationship and it was tough. When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade.”
Hold the phone and back it up Miss Illinois. Jason whisks her away to see what the heck this 11 year relationship thing is about. Thinking that she’s only 25, Jason does the math and figures that she would have dated this dude since she was a Freshman.
Close…she was a senior.
Nikki says that she was heart broken and that she didn’t see it coming.
Jason: “How long ago was this?”
Nikki: “About a year.”
Jason: “Have you dated since then?”
Nikki: “I’ve been on a few dates.”
Jason: “Chris…I’m going to need another one of those little pills.”
Jason tells both women that they are amazing (the ABC cameraman shows their cleavage) and then he sends Nikki home. She did a great job with her “second-runner-up” congratulations face. Stephanie looked like she wanted to cry for her. Jason looked like he wanted to cry too. Because he knew that Stephanie would want to make out under than bazillion twinkle lights now that Nikki had said her last goodbyes and exchanged email addresses with the ABC psychotherapist.
Stephanie looks into Jason’s eyes and says that she wants to kiss him. Jason wonders if it will feel like kissing his sister like it did that time before. He soon learns that the answer is a big fat YES!
Mark my words…Stephanie is gone next week. Bless her heart.
Meanwhile, in the rejection limo, Nikki is confused and sad. She wanted the happy ending. She’s not good enough. Even though she is perfect and beautiful and trained to smile through disappointment, she will always be the reject.
Look! The mute guy has his hoodie on tonight! Girls squeal as Nikki’s 14 suitcases are taken away.
Jason is upset. Not because of Shannon’s weird doily dress, but because there is so much emotion and drama. This is REAL people. He decides to find some sort of solace in his one BFF…Jillian.
Jason: “Are you cold?”
Jillian: “Dude. I’m from Canada, eh?”
Jason: “Why are you calling me dude?”
Jillian: “Because I’m cool like that. I call Harrison dude too.”
Jason: “Sweet. Want to make out?”
Jillian: “Like mustard on a hot dog.”
Jason goes and finds his other bundle of positive energy.
Melissa: “Give me a J! Give me an A…”
Jason: “You don’t have to do that. Are you okay?”
Melissa: “Yeppers. Sorry you had to see me cry yesterday. I was emotional.”
Jason: “It’s okay, but don’t do it now.”
Melissa: “I won’t. I want you to know that I know you. I like the freckle on your eye and the mysterious hole in your ear.”
Jason: “You are cute.”
Melissa: “You are totally a-w-e-s-o-m-e!”
Jason heads over to Megan who is rockin’ the side pony.
Jason: “How are you?”
Megan: “OMG…I’m totally stoked to be here.”
Hey. I watch Gossip Girl too. XoXo.
Speaking of immature high schoolers, Lauren is still playing this dominatrix game with Jason. She wants him to know that she is MAD she didn’t get the rose.
Lauren: “I’m blunt and direct. Why did you give me the rose? You didn’t follow my specific directions.”
Lauren: “Don’t give me that. I said that you were meant for me! You are going to get it. I’m gong to have the ABC intern put the iron spikes in the whip mister.”
Jason: “PINEAPPLE. PINEAPPLE. PINEAPPLE!”
Then they make out because he feels his life is in danger.
Our Host comes in and clinks his champagne drink. Jason makes a mad dash to the Pier One Wall of Shame and spends one minute deliberating with Chris Harrison, as they comb over the by-laws to see if he can refrain from handing out the final rose. The producers think it makes for great TV and decide that the drama will be AMAZING!
Roses are handed to:
Megan is told she is amazing. Shannon is told she’s beautiful. And Lauren was told she was brutally honest. Our Host walks up (AWKWARD) and tells them that they have to say goodbye. Then they are all escorted out the door.
Lauren doesn’t think it’s fair that Jason changed the rules. Megan admits that she doesn’t want to go home even though there is a 10-month-old waiting for her. And Shannon is excited to go home and brush her puppy’s teeth with an electric toothbrush and give him French kisses.
I know. There are no words.
All about the shame, not the fame,