On wings of love. Ironically, not one wing was handed out.
Cleavage. I conducted a word search on my notes last night and “cleavage” or “boob” was written 57 times. Chach was a close second with 26 appearances. Couch cushion (you know…the one I hide behind when I’m embarrassed?) got the bronze medal.
Any which way you look at it, that means The Bachelor is BACK people! And it’s going to be a great season. On wings of love great! To quote my favorite pilot, “I can just feel it.”
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Christmas candy or have a Bikram Yoga instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
I have to say that I am thrilled to be back in the writing saddle again my friends. It’s been so long. And I have to admit that it was well worth the wait. I took 10 pages of notes. TEN PAGES! I think that’s a new record for me. Granted, we’ve never visited some of our Bachelorettes in their home towns before the first “getting to know you” cocktail party, but that makes this exercise much more enjoyable. I rather liked seeing some of these women with their boobs covered, lying around on their couch daydreaming about their fairy tale life with Jake. Was that just me?
But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s start with our beloved Bachelor.
In case you boycotted the last Bachelorette season, our pilot friend Jake was the Southern good-ole boy from TEXAS who came looking for love. He was passionate, positive and had no problem wearing his emotions on his sleeve.
But Jillian crushed his heart and the old adage of “nice guys finish last” again rang true. He left the rose ceremony with dignity and grace.
Ironically, ABC did not replay the moment where he came back to Jillian to warn her about He Who Must Not Be Named, only to be crushed a second time on national TV. Because that would make our boy look like a chach and we can’t have that. It’s not the “Wings of Love” way. And because our beloved ABC producers know that I would be wondering why they didn’t bring that awkward little tidbit up, they do what any normal producers would do.
They show Jake back in Dallas where he had to heal his heart. And how do you heal a heart? I’m glad you asked. Apparently, you wear nothing but your favorite Armani boxers and drink water from the tap. You ponder the meaning of life, love and other mysteries in your kitchen.
Then you suit up. Pilot style.
Jake: Some people are engineered to be alone. I am not one of them. I am not a machine. I know my abs are pretty hard and my biceps are rockin’ but I am an emotional man who has the desire to share my life with someone. Is that so wrong? I think it’s time to reflect on this thought as I gaze onto the Dallas skyline from this infinity pool. After a few hundred rounds with the jump rope of course. Has anyone seen my shirt?
Jake reminds the viewing audience that he is a pilot (I had no clue) and tells us that his office is at 37,000 feet. Flying is his drug as well as his art. He also owns a nice home, but it doesn’t matter if you don’t have anyone to share it with. And what use is a fort that you built in the backyard…shirtless…if there are no kids to play in it?
When literally dozens of women wrote in to demand that Jake be the next Bachelor, ABC had no choice but to offer him this once in a lifetime opportunity after Adorable Reid and Mr. Abtastic Kiptynite politely declined.
Jake admits that he is going in with everything that he has. And that includes his motorcycle, funky motorcycle goggles and the biggest helmet I’ve ever seen in my entire life. He makes his way to the beach so he can think about the fact that he is 31 and single. He sits there with Gary the camera guy for a good 45 minutes before an airplane flies over at dusk.
Luckily, the ABC intern convinced Jake to take off the dork helmet and safety goggles in order to help capture this perfectly janked moment from Top Gun.
Knowing that there will more than likely NOT be a re-enactment of my favorite scene from Top Gun due to the fact that this is a house of 25 girls, I give you this:
You are welcome. Oh Val Kilmer. What happened to you Ice Man?
I’m off topic. But such a nice little tangent, don’t you think?
We are about 30 minutes into the two-hour long show at this point. We’ve seen Jake shirtless nine times. And when he’s not in his boxers or soft shorts he wears while working out or swim trunks, he’s in his pilot suit. Therefore, I was completely surprised when we see him in the see-through shower (aside: Was this the same see-through shower that Hotter Than Crap Brad used? Ah. Hotter Than Crap Brad. I wonder what he is up to…) soaping up his mid-section, drying off, only to don a normal suit. I totally expected his wings of love inaugural moment to include wings.
Instead, Jake puts on a leather jacket over his normal suit and rides in on his hog, removes the ginormous helmet and greets Our Host Chris Harrison at the mansion…not a hair out of place. For either of them.
Oh Hare. How we’ve missed you.
Our Host takes Jake inside to give him a pep talk before the ladies arrive in their limos.
OHCH: Jake my boy. How are you? Looks like you beefed up a bit since we last saw each other. And you were in decent shape before. What gives?
Jake: Well, swimming and jump roping will do that to ya Chris. And all the sawing I do.
Jake: Yes. I make my own furniture.
OHCH: Trying to be a bit like Noah Calhoun, huh? Do you think that will get the girl? That’s brilliant! I’m so shocked that you’ve found another angle. There is a Bachelorette named Ali. This could be a good twist. We need to get a row boat. HEY INTERN! FIND A ROW BOAT!
Jake: I know not of what you speak. I build furniture for the people in my life and then give it to them during non-holidays and non-birthdays. It’s what I do. When I’m not working out and flying.
OHCH: I’m just trying to help you out Jake. This is “Wings of Love.” There’s no crying in “Wings of Love.” You are a sincere, good guy who isn’t afraid to be emotional. I’m telling you to reign it in buddy. Reign. It. In. And why is your face so orange?
Jake: I know you have my back buddy. Point taken. Is there any other advice you can give me?
OHCH: Just be cool.
Jake: I’m trying, but I’m nervous.
OHCH: I can tell. Calm down.
Jake: It’s just so hard. My wife is in one of those limos. I can feel it. She and I will be able to cuddle up on the couch on Sundays when it’s raining outside. I won’t be haunted by loneliness anymore.
OHCH: Dude. I said chillax. Did you get the game tape I sent you?
Jake: You mean the videos from last season? Yeah. I got them. Why?
OHCH: You had a certain level of intensity that was a bit creepy. Remember how you grabbed Jillian’s face and sucked it off at the private Martina McBride concert? Uncool Jake. What would Maverick do?
Jake: Feel the need for speed?
OHCH: Okay. Bad example. Think opposite of Maverick. Slow down.
Jake: Got it. More listening. Less talking. This is going to be amazing Chris. I’m going to get married. Just like Jillian, Ed, Jason and Molly!
OHCH (smirking): He said it. I didn’t. Now Jake. What if the girl you want to marry is scared of flying? Will you give it up for love?
Jake: Love is more powerful than flying Chris. It lifts us up where we belong. It’s like oxygen. All you need is love. I’m getting itchy. Is it hot in here?
OHCH: Dude. Calm down. Breathe.
Jake: Right. Will you stand by me when the limos pull up?
OHCH: Here. Drink this.
Jake: What is it?
OHCH: Trust me.
Meet Our Bachelorettes
And meet their cleavage. Since when did full sequined 90s prom dresses come back in style? I totally missed that memo, because I have a gorgeous white one with huge puffy sleeves that needs to make an appearance at some charity event.
Who am I kidding? I’ll wear it to do the dishes. Problem solved.
It was also evident that the girls were instructed to be creative and try to make a lasting impression on the Bachelor because nearly every one had something up their sleeve. It’s as if they received a signed memo from the producers as they checked into their hotel that read:
Dear Potential Co-Pilot:
We are thrilled to have you compete on this season The Bachelor: On Wings of Love! Although this is not a contest, we encourage you to bring out the big guns and really make a lasting impression on Jake. Remember the girl who folded herself into a pretzel? How about the one who sang opera from the balcony? Although we don’t remember their names, we do remember their gumption and what it took to really make this season special and noteworthy.
And if music, jokes and contortion aren’t for you, there’s always brutal honesty. If you are in love with Jake already, by all means, TELL HIM. DO NOT HOLD IT BACK. If you want to cry…CRY. He is an emotional guy. He will not be afraid. He will get it and probably shed a tear with you.
If in doubt, wear a push-up bra and you will be fine. Jake is a boob man.
Finally, Jake is a pilot. And there’s nothing funnier than working in airline puns however you can. In fact, we’ll give the Bachelorette with the most puns a special gift at the end of her run. A free ticket back home!
Dig deep ladies! We’re counting on you for this to be the most dramatic season ever!
With Wings of Love,
Your ABC Producers
Luckily for the ABC producers, the girls brought it:
Why You Remember Her: I’m too much of a lady to write why you remember her, so I’m going to let her tell you in her own words: “I know that Jake is a pilot. And I love that because I’m also an adrenaline junkie. When I get on my Harley it’s like, oh…Oh…OH! I just can’t contain myself. OH! OHHHH!!!! The feeling! I know that sounds like an orgasm, but whatever.”
Status: No rose
Occupation: Advertising Account Manager
Why You Remember Her: Ali’s previous boyfriend cheated on her in the middle of the night with her roommate. So she’s nursing some pretty serious wounds. Since she is mute due to a bad cold, Sweet Ali had to let a peacock feather do all the talking when she met our nervous Bachelor. She reminded Jake that peacocks use their feathers to attract mates. Later during some special one-on-one time, Ali falls up the stairs and sadly croaks out, “Great! I’m the girl who fell!” Sadly, she’s that other girl who fell. Ali admits that she doesn’t fly. Jake promises to make her fears go away and together they can mount on wings as eagles.
Occupation: Account Manager
Why You Remember Her: Although one may assume that we all would remember Ashleigh because she is the original tripper of the group, that would be untrue. Before Ashleigh’s tumble into Captain Wonderful’s arms, we remember Ashleigh’s inner thigh way more prominently due to the fact that the split in her brown sequined ball gown was up to her nether regions.
Why You Remember Her: Wacky Ashley…such the little comedian. Ashley’s Mom gives her super cool packages every day that arrive in the mail. Gorgeous ball gowns. Barely there bikinis. Adorable lingerie. You know, what any Mom would do when they are living vicariously through their daughter. Ashley chooses a lovely hot pink ball gown with rhinestone broach that sits nicely under her smooshed cleavage. It draws just enough attention to the general area where she is holding her “picker.” Think of the dial one uses when playing Twister. Ashley went to the world wide Interweb and printed out colored copies of Jake’s face and plastered them on a piece of cardboard. She photoshopped her face in with his and asked Jake to dial to see if her picker was working. Low and behold, it was! Going above and beyond the producers call to action for a memorable meeting, Ashley decides to play dress up and changes into a flight attendant outfit. Unfortunately, the hat didn’t fit because her head is too full of knowledge. She’s getting her PhD. you know.
Occupation: Spokes model
Why You Remember Her: Spokes model is code for Jr. Miss Illinois. You see, Caitlyn was the one in the aquamarine ball gown with the huge plunging neckline that showcased her huge plunging rack. She tells the camera that her pageant experience will help her win the crown. Sadly, she didn’t even get a chance to win Miss Congeniality. That went to the chick who was nice enough to bring everyone jelly beans.
Status: No rose
Occupation: Mortgage Loan Officer
Why You Remember Her: Pineapple comes to mind. She forced us all to imagine a Brazilian wax job during the Bachelor. In her most precious Cambodian accent, Channy shares something special with Jake and encourages him to find her inside in order to know the secret desire of her heart. Being in a bright yellow dress, it’s not hard for him to track her down by the fire pit outside. She repeats the sweet nothing into his ear and reveals that he can land his plane on her landing strip any time. Then she laughs her BUTT off! I’m fully convinced that someone in her life dared her to go on the show and say those classy words and as a result, she just moved up the corporate ladder as mortgage loan director. Or has an extra month’s rent in her bank account. Pineapple.
Status: No rose
Occupation: Restaurant Manager
Why You Remember Her: From the moment she stepped out of the limo with the remnants of a green feather boa glued to her shoulder, you realized she reminded you of Samantha Jones. Especially when she had a basket of “parting gifts” for the girls who were sent home that night. I love this girl. She admits that the ta-tas were out to play and laments that her own ta-tas are nothing to brag about. But who needs ta-tas when you can force your prey onto his back on the floor and make him give you airplane rides with his feet? Samantha Jones is here to play.
Occupation: Wardrobe Consultant
Why You Remember Her: At first, Corrie was a bit on the “bless her heart” side of the fence when she asked Jake upon their first meeting, “What do you think about kissing me?” Poor Jake began sweating profusely and fought every urge to stick his tongue down her throat at that precise moment. (What would Maverick not do? What would Maverick notdo?) Since that thought process lasted an awkward 10-second pause, poor Corrie was forced to let him in on the joke. “I’m from Kissimmee. We’ll have to talk about it inside!” Jake lets out a slow breath and smiles the smile we all adore. Later, he finds tiny little Corrie and she asks what his top three priorities are. Jake answers: God, family and friends. (Why am I not on this show right now? He lives in my state for goodness sake! Oh right. I have my sites on a bar owner. Never mind.) Corrie is happy that their priorities match up. Too bad she’s going to get kicked off soon because she’s 12-years-old.
Name: Elizabeth from DC
Occupation: Captain in Air National Guard
Why You Remember Her: This girl had me from the moment she admitted to not knowing what in the world to pack for this show! She is a sucker for blond hair and blue eyes. She even had a non-chach memorable moment. With a flip of a coin, her fate would be in his hands…heads she stays, tails she leaves. She gives it a flip. He catches. And it’s…HEADS! “Lucky you Jake!” she exclaims as she saunters off into the mansion when Jake looks at the coin and discovers it’s double sided. Sadly, she’s too smart, mature and normal for Jake.
Status: No rose
Name: Elizabeth from NE
Occupation: Advertising Account Manager
Why You Remember Her: Let’s not beat around the bush. You noticed Elizabeth’s fake boobs first as she posed a la Sports IllustratedSwimsuit Model on the beach. Then you noticed her eyes. Then you noticed her boobs again in her flowy red dress. Lizzy instructs our Bachelor to close his eyes and imagine his favorite place. “Where was it?” Jake instinctively answers, “Right here. Right now.” Lizzy replies, “Mine was snow boarding.” BURN JAKE! You must pursue her now that she has you under her trance. Later, Lizzy feels threatened by Gia’s butt and Roz’s boobs and decides that it’s time to take matters outside. On the football field. Or the front circle driveway. Whatever. They toss a few times and then the other girls sniff out their hiding place. And when I say other girls, I mean all the other girls. Jake suggests a friendly game of blonds vs. brunettes and the game…is…on! Ironically, no one tripped or fell during this spontaneous athletic adventure.
Occupation: Hair Stylist
Why You Remember Her: After singing, “Under my umbrella…ella…ella…ella” you remember her because she is the wacked out single Mom who is looking for a Daddy for Ethan. She’s cyber-stalked Jake for a year now and is ready to make her move. And if you don’t like it, you can meet her in the boxing ring because she will rip you a new one if you get between her and her goals. Ella then takes a tip from her five-year-old kid and performs the old, “You’ve got something on your tie.” When Jake looks down, she bops his nose.
She bopped his nose. Seriously.
Then she asks, “How does it feel meeting the woman you are going to marry?”
Well…it feels like I need to go hide my bunny rabbit freak, that’s how it feels.
Ella admits that she left a lot to be here and all she needs is one strand of his hair and some spit and can work her Tennessee voodoo magic. Later, she steals Jake away to give him a special gift. It’s her son’s favorite airplane that he’s had for years and years and years. She wants him to have it. While he’s admiring the somewhat random gesture, she snags a hair and puts it in a Ziploc bag she keeps tucked snug in her cleavage. Watch out Jake.
Occupation: Fit Model
Why You Remember Her: Not to be confused with Fitness Model. Big difference. Emily had black hair, blue eyes and a very green dress. That’s about all I got.
Status: No rose
Occupation: Swimsuit Model
Why You Remember Her: Gia used to be a ballet dancer, but now she is a fitness model. Not to be confused with a fit model. Big difference. She squeezed into the tightest dress known to man that had to be custom made for her because my girl is sporting some major junk in the trunk. He told her she had great hair. She said she owned a hair salon. Where she models. And stays fit.
Occupation: Cosmetic Sales Manager
Why You Remember Her: Jessie had a touch of crazy eyes as she shimmied over to Jake in her flamenco dress. She spoke very fast and sort of rushed the first line of her joke. She practically shouted, “Doyouhavearegisteryforthoseguns?” Poor Jake looks confused and concerned that she has mistaken the mansion for an NRA convention and begins to walk her back to the limo. She affectionately squeezes his arms and shimmies inside to join the others.
Occupation: Corporate Flight Attendant
Why You Remember Her: How could you forget Kathryn and her purple tutu? She looked like she walked straight out of the Sugarplum Fairy scene from the Nutcracker. And if that dress didn’t draw enough attention, the wedding ring on her finger certainly did. Being the stand-up, rule follower Jake is, he decided to ask the girl why she would come on this journey if she had already found her wings of love? Kathryn said that it’s a fake. She wears it so all the smarmy corporate travelers won’t hit on her. I thought she should have gone with, “The Mouse King gave it to me, but I’ll totally trade it in for something from you!”
Occupation: NBA Dancer
Why You Remember Her: Kimberly. Poor Kimberly. She’s from Oklahoma and said that they should put their football differences aside and then bolding gave him the Hook ‘Em Horns sign. Jake, having attended college at Texas Tech, thinks she flashed him “I love you” in sign language and begins hyperventilating.
Status: No rose
Why You Remember Her: You don’t.
Status: No rose
Occupation: Office Manager
Why You Remember Her: Clearly we all know Michelle because she is sooo old. I mean ancient. She is almost out of time when it comes to finding a man and it’s a good thing she is ready to be a wife because no one is getting any younger. Michelle tells Jake that she is looking forward to spending time as his co-pilot. Jake doesn’t answer because he’s distracted by Our Host Chris Harrison giving him pointers through a small radio in his ear. Michelle then rambles on about being a passenger. Or a flight attendant. Or the ramp agent. ANYTHING to be near him. Jake pats her on the head and she goes inside to find somewhere cold and dark to be alone.
Later, Michelle admits that she will absolutely DIE if she doesn’t get the first impression rose. Jake makes her feel so…even. She closes her eyes to regain composure before continuing. She’s not here to play games.
She has an anxiety attack when she finds out that other people have been TALKING and SITTING with Jake. She must take action. She finds her man and drags him to a secluded corner for a serious talk.
Michelle: I am here to meet you and I want you to know to fall in love with you to be your co-pilot in the end. I’m ready to have a husband and children. I have so much to give emotionally…I’m sorry I’m tearing up. It’s only the first night, but I don’t count the days. If you feel it, you feel it. It’s not about being sweet. I’m being honest.
Jake to the camera: Michelle is emotional. I can relate a little bit.
Hare comes up and gives him another hit off of his hip flask. Moving on!
Why You Remember Her: Roz thinks there is something sexy about a pilot. And firemen. But since there are no shows about firemen, then this show will have to do. She pretty much lounges around looking like she’s on the set of a photo shoot.
Why You Remember Her: Sheila thought she was golden when she strides up to our Bachelor with aviator sunglasses and tells him she is also a pilot. She gives her glasses to Jake who sweetly puts them on and then takes them off because a.) it’s night time and b.) they are girl glasses. We never see her again.
Status: No rose
Occupation: Dance Teacher
Why You Remember Her: You got her mixed up with the NBA dancer. That’s not her. It’s the other one. She taught Jake to dance what appeared to be a two-step/salsa hybrid. I was behind a pillow the entire time so I can’t be too sure.
Status: No rose
Occupation: College Admissions
Why You Remember Her: First things obviously first. She was a virgin when she was married. Apparently, that is pertinent information. She also likes to do leaps on the beach. And she was Ariel in Tokyo Disney. Her husband left. There was some infidelity. But she is ready to fly again. And to prove it, she wrote down 1o reasons why Jake should love her. In a moment of sheer spontaneity, Tenley asks if she can kiss Jake. They peck and then Tenley goes off behind a bush to cry because the only man she has ever kissed is her unfaithful ex-husband. How could she be so bold? He will never pursue her now! She melts down and the ABC psychotherapist is called in to administer Valium. She is carted into a room with Michelle. Not a smart move. A few hours later, Jake picks up the first impression rose and parades it by every single girl in hopes to find the one who was bold in her kissing as he was bold with his once upon a time.
Status: First Impression Rose
Occupation: Medical Technician
Why You Remember Her: You wondered who invited the old lady to the party?
Status: No rose
Why You Remember Her: After checking at abc.com to see if her name was Alisha, you remember that she gave our Bachelor a handful of dirt upon meeting him. It signifies their common ground. Then you reached for your barf bag.
Occupation: Marketing Representative
Why You Remember Her: You kept checking your TV to see if you had accidentally switched channels to a warped version of The Hills. Upon realizing that Vienna actually does dress her dog up in miniature clothing before sharing a mani pedi session, you were a bit embarrassed when she asked to see Jake’s famous abs. Then again, you could see what the curiosity was all about and gave her the benefit of the doubt. You also rolled your eyes when she did the old “feel my heart beat” bit before placing his hand directly on her boob.
How’s a pilot who is on the wings of love supposed to choose? Never fear Jake. The ABC producers have it covered. Our Host Chris Harrison marches into the room and clinks his champagne glass.
OHCH: We decided that Jake could use a little help in making this important decision, so we called in a few friends.
Jake eagerly looks towards the door, hoping to reunite with his Mom and Dad. Alas, it’s Jillian and Ed. Not exactly the help Jake was hoping for as displayed by the sheer sadness that shrouded his face when his beloved walked in like a human disco ball. She was always so fun. Just like a disco ball. Oh the irony.
Jake swallows his pride, gives Ed a firm handshake and melts in Jillian’s arms. Although I thought Ed was a little too creepy with his assessment of the girls, the exercise was fun for all. Who wouldn’t want to know what kind of animal NBA dancer girl is in the bedroom? Puma is certainly respectable.
Jake admits that it was great having Jillian around to help him with his plight, but he’s going to have to find love by himself and it’s his decision. After Ed tells him that Michelle is straight up psycho, Jake make a mental note to keep her around to spite that man who stole his bride.
One-On-One with Hare
OHCH: So how was it? Pretty good, huh? Did you see how many models we got you? Impressive!
Jake: I was so nervous. I threw up once. I don’t know if I deserve to be here.
OHCH: Jake. She’s “in love” with Ed. You have 25 girls out there who are here for YOU! Was there anyone who stood out?
Jake: The one in the flight attendant outfit. She looked dynamite. Her smile is contagious.
OHCH: That’s my boy! What about the Cambodian slut? I hear if you give her five dollars…
Jake: She was a bit forward.
OHCH: What about the Paris Hilton chick?
Jake: She has a little fire behind her but the conversation wasn’t that deep.
OHCH: You don’t say. How about crazy Michelle? You know the contract says you have to keep at least one crazy one.
Jake: I’ll go one step further Chris. I’ll keep two! Michelle and Ella!
Tenley the first impression kisser
Ella the southern comfort single mom
Elizabeth the football playing Nanny with a wonky boob job
Ali the dark horse
Daddy’s Girl Vienna
Christina: aka: Samantha Jones
Gia the Hair Salon Model
Ashley the Flight Attendant
Roz the Model
Jessie the Flamenco Dress
Valisha [crickets chirping]
Ashleigh H. who made it up to Jake without tripping
Katherine the Nutcracker Princess
Michelle the Psycho
And there you have it ladies and gentlemen. One episode down, several to go.
Speaking of…I’d like to remind everyone that I am not a fan of spoilers. However, I know I’m in the minority, so I’m going to make an entire post that is dedicated to spoilers. You guys have at it in the comments section of that post. I know how some of you just can’t stand it! I want you all to be able to discuss in a friendly environment.
I’m all about the shame, not the fame,