Outsiders vs. the Plastics

In case you didn’t get the memo from last night’s episode, the house is beginning to divide. Over here, you have the kids from the wrong side of the tracks. Over there, you have the popular kids who rule the school.

Let me break it down even further…

If the Bachelor Pad took place in an ‘80s movie, the Outsiders would consist of Andie and her BFF Duckie Dale, Donald/Ronald Miller, Watts, Ponyboy and Johnny. Sitting at the “cool kids” table in John Hughes High School cafeteria would be Blane, Cherry, Jake Ryan, Cindy Mancini and Regina George.

We’ve all heard this story before…the outsider hates the cool click and wants them to see how the other half really lives outside of their perfect popular bubble.

As we all know, there are always the inbetweeners. Those who own up to the fact that they are outsiders, but secretly long to be accepted by the plastics.

Obviously, this is where drama lives. Greasers, socials, freaks, plastics, nerds, athletes, drama queens and scorned future Playboy bunnies…welcome to the Bachelor Pad!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone on your Twitter account happens to personally know, sort of know, friends with the nephew/former classmate of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying New Moon on DVD or have a Jazzercize instructor that looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

We open the show with all of the contestants traipsing in from the rose ceremony driveway, all too drunk to remember who just got sent home. They continued to booze it up, pat each other on the back and confirm that “this is getting real” now that they know how the elimination process works. No one noticed Elizabeth dragging Kovacs by the choke collar to a secluded area of the mansion for a little debriefing.

Elizabeth: “I was sooooo nervous for you just now. Do you realize that you almost got kicked off but because all the girls listen to me?”
Kovacs: “I think we need to help each other out.”

Elizabeth: “I just don’t know. People don’t trust you. You should see what they wrote about you in the Burn Book. Soooooo rude.”
Kovacs: “I think we need to stick together.”

Later Kovacs feels it is in his best interest to admit to the camera that being a couple with Elizabeth is a better strategy than being alone.

The next day, we find Jesse Beck feeling up chatting up Natalie on their favorite wicker couch out by the pool. He tells her she is sexy and she giggles as his hands grope her body in a prime-time way. Natalie tells us she used to be in this for the money, but now all she worries about is if her hair is fixed. Beck tells us that Natalie is a rad chick. They both sort of admit they wouldn’t vote each other off, but get distracted by tongues sticking down their throats to make a true alliance.

Melissa shows up with a severe pony tail and invites everyone out into the driveway. Harrison announces that the day’s competition is a good old fashioned pie eating contest. The guys and the girls will eat separately and one of each will get a rose. Melissa adds a super exciting twist…NO HANDS!

Weatherman: “I need to focus on winning this challenge so I can win the girls over.”
Lincee: “Bless him.”

Gia: “I hate f-ing pie.”
Lincee: “I understand you are probably on a strict diet of water and bird seed, but suck it up Gia. It’s time to eat real people food.”

Krisily totally doesn’t want to cry because she is totally not that girl, but she pulls Harrison aside crying, revealing that she doesn’t have a gall bladder and can’t digest fat. She doesn’t think inhaling a pie for the sake of competition is worth spending the night in the hospital. Instead of offering her a monogrammed handkerchief and consoling shoulder like she expected, Harrison refrains from rolling his eyes and asks her to run down to the local tractor supply store to get some large, black feed buckets because it is about to go down! Harrison is not playing games people. He’s there to turn up the heat. And make six figures a week doing it.

The girls are first to compete. All but Krisily sit down at the long picnic table, complete with red and white checkered table cloth, and immediately take off their tops, except for Girl Jessie who prefers to vie for the rose in nothing but her string bikini. The ABC intern passes out rubber bands and everyone puts their hair in a bun. Hands are clasped behind backs and the game begins.

The girls daintily nibble at first. It takes an announcement from Harrison that Girl Jessie is literally rooting through her pie like a pig at slop time in order for the others to declare GAME ON. Natalie complains that pie is up her nose. Nikki can’t stand that her makeup is no longer flawless and Liz reveals that the pie tastes like “you know those times when you throw up a little in your mouth? Like that.”

We praise the ABC intern for the brilliant decision to make the pies disgusting. GO INTERN!

Even though she had an early lead, Tenley begins fake crying, dry heaving and whining to anyone who will listen that she doesn’t like it anymore! Make it stop!

Melissa begins laughing and asks if anyone needs a hurl bucket. Natalie was the first to blow. Ten guys jumped out of her way to make room for the flying vomit. Gia begins gagging. Wes encourages her to continue eating, and even gives her a tip to flip her pie up and over out of the tin pan. Natalie is losing a lung on the side. Elizabeth pukes in her own hands and then deposits the regurgitation in Tenley’s bucket. Kovacs witnesses Tenley puke in her own pie and continue eating it.

It’s down to Gia and Tenley. An outsider against a plastic. Gia is cheered on by Wes, Peyton, Krisily and Gwen. Tenley is pushed by her beloved Kip, Crazy Dave, Kovacs, Elizabeth and various woodland creatures and blue birds.

Tenley: “I caaaaannnn’t eeeeeaaaatt anoottttthhhhheeeerrrr biiiiiiiittttteee.”
Woodland Creatures: “You can do it. You can do it Tenley!”

Gia: “This pie f-ing sucks.”
Wes: “C’mon darling. If you eat five more bites, I’ll play you a song on my guitar.”

Gia ends up winning in a close race. She and Tenley puke their guts out. Crazy Dave admits that there is nothing more unattractive than what he just witnessed, but it sure has brought them closer together.

I can see Dave’s point. I haven’t seen that much public heaving since I attended an Aggie ring dunk back in 1997. But let me tell you…those guys looked pretty bonded to me. Could it have been the clinking of ice cold Miller Lite in a plastic pitcher? Perhaps. But I think the true connection happened around the time they all shared the same garbage bag to toss their cookies. Ah. Camaraderie at its finest.

After a quick hose down of the table, Our Host asks the men to take their positions. Crazy Dave feels confident because he eats six meals a day. Kovacs knows that he will win. And Weatherman is nervous that there are big strong muscle men around him who can eat like nobody’s business. But he is going to put that thought out of his head and concentrate.

Not one dude took off their shirt for the pie eating contest.

Can I please call a party foul on this moment? When, dear producers, WHEN will you let us see Kip’s abs? COME ON.

Harrison says “go” and all the guys dig in with fanatic fervor. Then we get close up shots of Kovacs, Beck and Crazy Dave with repulsive looks on their faces. I’m guessing the ABC intern switched sugar with baking powder on this round of pies, but whatever. All agree that the pie was disgusting. In a moment of panic, Craig uses his hair to sop up pie goo. Tenley encourages Kip. Gia is Wes’ cheerleader. As the plastics cheer the plastics and the outsiders cheer the outsiders, no one notices that Weatherman is sucking up the crumbled crust of his pie like a Dyson on crack.

He looks at Our Host with eager anticipation as Harrison announces Weatherman as the winner! The Weatherman jumps up, “hell yeahs” everyone at the table, stops in front of Crazy Dave’s station to inhale a chunk of his barely-eaten pie and executes a couple of perfect pirouettes in celebration.

Crazy Dave: “Well. He’s good at eating pie. He’s got that going for him.”

Somewhere in Austin, Some Guy raises his Lone Star at the irony of that statement.

All of the contestants give interviews about how they underestimated the Weatherman. Most of them have pie crust and filling remnants all over their cheeks, chins and eyebrows. I found this random, gross and hilarious at the same time.

Girl Jessie pulls Craig, an outsider, away for some alone time. Craig asks Jessie to remind the girls that the vote is anonymous. He knows he is on the chopping block and is banking on Girl Jessie to make something happen.

Meanwhile, the Weatherman and Gia (both outsiders) strategize now that they have all the power. Gia holds her tummy because she’s not used to so much food being inside her digestive tract.

Gia: “The plastics…Natalie, Elizabeth and Tenley will vote as a group and keep their guys here.”
Weatherman: “I agree. I like their guys.”

Gia: “NO WEATHERMAN. The forecast calls for you to take the outsiders on your f-ing date and convince them to break up the army of skanks. Do you understand? Choose Krisily, Peyton and Gwen.”
Weatherman: “You can trust me.”

The date card arrives and Girl Jessie wonders why Krisily didn’t bring in the entire podium.

Weatherman Date
“Reveal your true selves…no brushes aloud”
Peyton
Gwen
Ashley

Gia is ticked that Weatherman didn’t choose Krisily as she instructed him to do. Kovacs is ticked that the Weatherman is smarter than he gave him credit for and the Weatherman is ticked that he can’t pick dudes to accompany him on his date.

Weatherman loads up his two outsiders and one Switzerland in the limo and heads to an abandoned warehouse where Melissa has set up butcher paper and cans of primary colors of paint. In another show twist, you have to use your bodies as rollers and brushes to paint a masterpiece.

The zingers keep coming with this one, huh?

Weatherman dips behind a back-lit screen to change. He asks if the girls are ready for “Speedo: The Sequel.” He struts out with a huge smile and points to his junk region. Ashley thinks he totally rocked it.

They all put their hand prints as a border around the paper. We were all bored. The camera man suggests the girls slather paint all over the Weatherman. He is unfazed. Peyton spins around on her tummy and says she’s a merry-go-round. She asks if anyone wants a ride.

I blushed.

Back at the mansion, the outside girls are super annoyed that the plastics are all in the hot tub together having fun. Gia convinces Krisily and Nikki that Craig is the key and at this very moment, the Weatherman is convincing the other girls to keep him on the island and vote off Kip’s abs. Krisily gets goose bumps and promises this to be the most dramatic rose ceremony ever.

At the same time, Harrison has is lawyers draw up a legal document asking Krisily to cease and desist from using his trademarked catch phrase without his permission.

Meanwhile, Weatherman decides that it’s time to talk strategy with his fellow outsiders. Peyton needs no convincing but is surprised to hear that Gia is on board. Ashley is a different beast. She understands that the powerhouse needs to break up, but she is close with those girls.

Ashley: “I love Elizabeth and Tenley. And now that Natalie is hooching with Jesse Beck, that leaves Crazy Dave all for me! It’s my in to the plastics and I’m going to take it!”

Ashley stays neutral and sort of promises, but not really, alliance to Weatherman and the outsiders. Weatherman is stoked that he has done his job as puppet master and is ready to lay the moves on Gwen up on the roof.

Cue awkward oboe music.

Weatherman: “What did you think of the painting? Did you ruin your bathing suit?”

Oh Weatherman. Just when you start to get a little normal, you dork out on us. I guess that’s the life of an outsider. After learning that she’s been to Positano, Italy and likes to play tennis, Weatherman concludes that he and Gwen are a match made in heaven and extends her the date rose.

Gwen: “I’m happy that I got the rose. People think that Jon likes me, but that’s not going to happen. I can guarantee you that.”

Gia’s Date

Gia is getting drunk with the f-ing power of holding the f-ing competition rose. She finds Weatherman and Peyton to share her strategy for the day.

Gia: “We have five outsiders (me, Peyton, Gwen, Nikki, Krisily) who have agreed to keep Craig.”
Weatherman: “Don’t forget Ashley.”

Gia: “Please. Do not f-ing trust Ashley.”
Weatherman: “But she promised me her alliance!”
Peyton: “Sorry dude. She lied to our faces. She’s a plastic.”

Gia: “She f-ing makes fun of you Weatherman. I hate that you are making that f-ing face to me. You aren’t even f-ing listening to me. You are blind. You are in our crew now and Craig is staying.”
Weatherman: “Give me a hug.”

Kovacs leaves the podium in the front yard and returns with the date card. He waves at the ABC intern who is spraying off the driveway so it will glisten in the lights for the rose ceremony that night. Gia, sporting an unfortunate braided head band, announces that she knows two of the guys she wants to invite on her date. Congratulations to Wes Hayden and Craig!

Natalie: “Really? Craig?”
Gia: “The last one I’m not sure about, so I’m just going to put all your names in a bowl and pick.”

But Gia has a little secret. She only put Jesse Beck’s name in the bowl. She wants him to be on her crew. She needs a tall guy with tats who can do the robot in the background.

Gia takes pride in the fact that she is doing her best to make this game fair and not a popularity contest. She adds as an aside that she thinks Wes Hayden is super charming and ever-so-dreamy.

The limo drops the group off at a random courtyard in some Los Angeles hotel. We assume Harrison is in the bar doing tequila shots with Roberto who is sporting an interesting ensemble of burgundy gingham shirt and polka dot tie. The ABC intern has done his best to turn the courtyard into a Moroccan wonderland, complete with billowy tents, colorful pillows and body art. Gia immediately pulls Craig away to ease his anxious heart.

Gia: “Look Craig. I want you to know that I’m giving you the f-ing rose.”
Craig: “Thank you. I trust you. And it’s tough to trust anyone here.”
Gia: “When I give someone my f-ing word…it’s done. Well. For the most part anyway, unless I change my mind and am smitten by the charisma of an f-ing country and western singer from Texas. But what are the odds of that happening when I’m so f-ing smart?”

Gia delivers a smiling Craig to the tent and exchanges him for Beck.

Gia: “Do you like henna?”
Beck: “I’ve never smoked that before, but I’m willing to give anything a try.”

Gia: “No silly. It’s body art. I want to add to your tattoo collection.”

Beck whips off his shirt and tries to find a clean surface on his body for Gia to work. She explains that traditionally, henna is on the hand. She begins to write “I f-ing heart Beck” while talking strategy.

Gia. “Now that I have you alone, I want to talk strategy. I’ve chosen the outsiders. There are five of us girls who are going to f-ing vote off Kip. I want you to be with us. PS: don’t f-ing tell Natalie. I know you are with her, but keep this to your f-ing self or else.”
Jesse B: “Natalie is cool, but this is a game. It’s not going to be hard for me to let her go.”

Gia: “Are you f-ing sure?”
Jesse B: “I’m here for half a million dollars. And to meet you.”

Gia giggles and confides to the camera that she “isn’t going to let Jesse’s charm misconstrue her strategy.” I’ve decided to overlook the incorrect use of misconstrue and go with YAY FOR GIA for using a sentence that didn’t have to be bleeped by ABC!

Just as we are beginning to think the Bachelor Pad has gone all soft on us by not shooting any make out sessions since Natalie and Beck’s PDA in our episode opener, the camera sneaks over Elizabeth asking Kovacs if there’s anything she can do to make it up to him that she’s been a “dumb smart girl” so far in this competition. Kovacs fancies a back scrub, so the next shot is them getting it on in the shower, complete with acoustic guitar soundtrack. I feel sorry for the intern who had to be in there holding a back light so the shadow would be projected on the curtain, but someone has to do go the distance for the show besides Kovacs.

Back in makeshift Morocco, we find Gia massaging Wes Hayden’s hands with lavender oil. Gia giggles and tells Wes he is the nicest guy in the house. Wes tells Gia that he is crazy about her…she is beautiful, funny, smart, witty and everything he wants in a girl. He wishes the circumstances were different, but he truly thinks she is amazing.

For the first time in her life, Gia is f-ing speechless.

Wes: “You’re not mine. You’ll never be mine. You are so beautiful. I have an infatuation that you are my girl. I mean that. I love you.”

Gia melts into a puddle before his eyes and he knows he has won…even without his guitar.

Gia: “You are so f-ing sweet. Everyone has it wrong about you.”

And instead of giving the rose she promised to Craig, she gives it to Wes Hayden.

Craig, still reeling in Gia’s “I never go back on my word” speech, is confused. Wes Hayden is mentally changing the lyrics to his number one selling album in Chihuahua, Mexico to “They Say That Love Does Come Easy When You Can Charm The Pants Off A Swimsuit Model Who Is Secretly Insecure.” It’s sure to be another classic, available at Wal-Mart on his Greatest Hits album next spring.

Gia: “I just messed up the f-ing whole game plan. I never expected to meet someone so f-ing amazing. I probably made a mistake. My head said to give the rose to Craig, but my heart said give it to Wes Hayden. Morally I did the right thing.”

Naturally, the plastics are relieved.

Girl Jessie gets her flirt on with Crazy Dave in the hot tub and straight up admits to him that she is a true plastic but will pretend to be an outsider to gather information. Unfortunately, she didn’t count on Krisily eavesdropping while she seals this deal with Crazy Dave with a kiss.

Krisily agrees to tell her super secret about Girl Jessie to Kiptyn in exchange for a quick peek at his abs.

The next morning, Beck checks out Gia’s scars she got from the school kids stealing her shoes back in the day before she was pretty and concludes that she is one cool chick. Everyone knows cool is totally above and beyond rad. He leaves to have a heart-to-heart with Natalie.

Beck: “I’ve heard that you’ve given more rides than a New York City cab.”
Natalie: “Untrue. Crazy Dave is my boy. Sure he’s seen my boobs, but who hasn’t? And yes, at one point I dated Kovacs. But that was just for his wine connections.”

Beck: “I just want to be friends.”
Natalie: “With benefits?”

Beck: “Ask me again after the show. We’ll see. Right now, I’m concentrating on being an outsider.”

Meanwhile, Gia tries to make good on her HUGE mistake of not giving Craig the rose. She feels that there are five girls in her pack who will vote for Kiptyn and five in their pack who will vote for Craig. She will be the one to break the tie and will vote for Kiptyn. Everyone seems cool with this decision for the most part.

Our Host Chris Harrison walks in to talk to the group. We ignore the shirt and tie combo. Let’s agree that it wasn’t as bad as Natalie’s hot pink tutu. He cranks the tension up about 50 notches by asking Elizabeth how her relationship with Kovacs is going in front of everyone.

Elizabeth explains that her situation isn’t any different than Tenley and Kiptyn’s situation. With the gentle hum of a whispering wind, Tenley corrects Elizabeth by saying that her relationship with Kip is not physical. She secretly dreams of the day when he whisks her away to ride his white steed and live happily ever after, but alas, that has not happened yet.

Elizabeth is shocked that Tenley would be so bold in front of the entire group and gives her the harshest reaction she can fathom:

Her feelings have been hurt because of Tenley’s rudeness.

Harrison jumps all over this and asks Tenley, even though she is clearly upset, to explain herself. Through chokes, sobs and tears, Tenley picks up the baby lamb at her feet and buries her head in the soft wool. She apologizes for making Elizabeth upset and promises to never do it again. She begs for forgiveness and Elizabeth accepts. Tiny little mice use the discarded scraps of material from sewing Tenley’s rose ceremony dress to wipe away her tears.

Harrison allows the brooding to go on a little longer before making sure everyone has voted in the deliberation room. Elizabeth threatens Ashley and tells her to stop trying to make fetch happen. Crazy Dave confronts Girl Jessie, asking her to deny that she is in cahoots with Craig. She begins crying and promises to stick with the plastics and vote for Craig.

Knowing that Nikki has her tiara and Miss Illinois sash packed in her bag, Crazy Dave is convinced she can be swung to the plastic side. He and Kovacs agree that Kip is just the person to make her see the light.

Kip tells Nikki he understands her dilemma and if it’s his time to go, he’s fine with that. Nikki wants to keep him, but has promised to vote him off the island. She hates that she is the swing vote and wishes all the stressful people would just go home. She begins to cry and Kip puts an arm around her, pulling her body into his abs.

Nikki is done. She drank the cool kid Kool-Aid. There’s no turning back now.

Harrison reminds us that Wes Hayden (in his electric green shirt), Weatherman, Gwen and Gia all have immunity. The remaining roses go to:

Tenley
Jesse B
Peyton
Nikki
Ashley
David
Elizabeth
Natalie
Kovacs
Krisily
Kip

Gia looks like she’s gong to murder someone and begins stage whispering, “who?” to all the outsiders. I found this ironic since she had the power to give Craig a rose 30 minutes ago. Sonny is sent back to Miami Beach to fight crime for the vice squad. Girl Jesse removes her dress and sits in the limo in her bikini, wondering if anything would have happened between her and Crazy Dave and Nikki sulks in the corner now that she is alienated from both the plastics and the outsiders.

Never fear Nikki. From the looks of next week’s show, Crazy Dave will be making his move on you. Perhaps the attraction begins during a saucy game of blindfold kissing? Maybe that’s why Gia calls Wes Hayden a “modern day Shakespeare…only cuter.” And of course, Natalie copes with Jesse dumping her by going topless.

This is the Bachelor Pad. Share your love in the comments section!

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