iHateGreenBeans

Community kissing, fantasy suites, a few hundred f-bombs, a serenade by He Who Must Not Be Named and 10 minutes of “alone time” in the bathroom for the Weatherman.

Everyone raise your shot glass full of Listerine in order to prepare yourself for episode three of the Bachelor Pad.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone on your Twitter account happens to personally know, sort of know, friends with the nephew/former classmate of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying New Moon on DVD or have a Jazzercize instructor that looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

I don’t know about you, but I’m loving the new format in which each episode begins with the contestants traipsing in from the glistening driveway where the rose ceremony has just taken place from the week before. Emotions are on overdrive. Feelings have been hurt. Gia asks Nikki to please pull the f-ing knife from her back. Natalie finally notices that she’s wearing a florescent pink tutu and gives herself fashion props for pulling it off and celebrates by finishing off Petyton and Gwen’s champagne. Angry Dave’s eyes bug out a little more than usual. Tenley, feeling the building tension that is about to explode around her, removes the bluebird from her shoulder and instructs him to ask the ABC intern to provide spoonfuls of sugar to everyone in order to help the big dose of bitter medicine go down.

Immediately, Gia decides that honesty is the best policy and announces to the group that her crew was going to vote f-ing Kip off because it wasn’t a fair game with all the couples. Then she outed Nikki as the f-ing traitor.

Nikki counters Gia. Big mistake. Doesn’t she realize that her Daddy and his Guido friends could have her sleepin’ with the fishes by dawn? Gia makes Nikki cry, makes Kovacs breathe a sigh of relief that he gave his balls to Elizabeth and bores Natalie so much that she gets up to go pass out somewhere soft during the crescendo of Gia’s speech.

Kovacs gets the okay from Elizabeth to tell the viewing audience that Gia is officially on the chopping block. Gia knows that the only way she can stay is to win the next competition.

All the Bachelor Pad Contestants Sitting in a Tree…
Providing evidence of the old adage that “real men wear pink,” Our Host Chris Harrison clocks in his first 30-minute stint, promising himself that he will stick around until the Weatherman both gives and receives this challenge. Then it’s off to a luxury resort hotel in Santa Monica for tanning and a light workout on the beach in prep for Sunday’s 62nd Primetime Emmy Awards where he will be hosting the red carpet for TV Guide and secretly hoping his drinking buddy Jeff Probst will win in the reality hosting category.

OHCH: “Good morning. As you know, on this show everybody has a chance to find love. And win money. Nobody here is safe unless you have a rose. Did everyone brush and rinse this morning?”

Melissa: “WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A KISSING COMPETITION!”
OHCH: “Dude. That was my favorite part.”

Melissa: “Sorry. Okay everyone. Here’s how it goes. The girls get blind folded and then are kissed by every guy. Then they vote on the best kiss. The guy with the most votes wins! Then we switch and the guys get blind folded and they vote. Everyone got it? Who needs a breath mint?”

Gia immediately begins f-ing crying. In case you didn’t know, she has an f-ing boyfriend. But she is willing to do this because she has to win the competition to stay safe.

Angry Dave begins doing some weird tongue exercises.

Weatherman asks the ABC intern to find him an apple crate.

Tenley squirts some Febreeze on her tank top to mask the smell of woodland creature.

Natalie tells the camera that she’d make out with all the boys, including the crew, for 20 bucks.

That sounds about right.

A few moments later, Gia shares with the girls: “I have a f-ing boyfriend at home that I have to worry about. There’s huge f-ing target on my back. This isn’t fair.” Then she dissolves into f-ing tears.

Natalie: “Why would her boyfriend be pissed off? She knew she was coming on a show that would have romantic competitions. It’s completely fair. Just get over it and make out.”

The honesty is refreshing, no?

Melissa escorts Elizabeth to the courtyard. She admits that she is excited to kiss all of the boys except the Weatherman. Wes is the first to step up. She’s startled when he grabs her face, then he lays one on her. She “mmmmm’s” him the entire time. Next up is Crazy Dave. She is startled again. She “mmmmm’s” him too.

In fact, Elizabeth is startled every time and makes hungry noises with each kiss. She admits she had sparks with number four (Kovacs) and that her chills were multiplying.

But then number five moved forward, put his apple crate down and stepped up to meet this challenge head on…face to face…lip to lip.

Cue the awkward oboe music.

Poor Weatherman. We remember his lack of skill during Ali’s season when he was forced to make out with her in a library on camera. As you recall, he uttered some sort of animal noise before landing somewhere near her jaw line. I have to admit that this attempt was better.

Poor Peyton and Gwen get a short montage of boring video. Story of their lives. Gia gets little peck kisses from guys 3-6 because she jerked her head away from Wes and Angry Dave. And Ashley is up next.

Who’s Ashley? I know. I forget too. She was the one during Jake’s season who wore a stewardess costume. Remember that? She sauntered around with a martini in her hand and an ABC modesty patch on her nether regions because her private runway was showing most of the night? Sweet, innocent Ashley decides that she is going to pull herself from the competition because she doesn’t want to lose the respect of her students.

Honey. That line has already been crossed. I’d be willing to bet Natalie’s 20 bucks that your students have already created a drinking game in your honor. The stoner kid in your fourth period class has you streaking through the quad by episode four. You are so far away from the line that it is a dot to you my friend.

Natalie, Nikki and Krisily agree that number two was wonderful. Natalie said he was aggressive and that’s the way she likes it. Nikki said that he had the best approach and Krisily wants to marry the man on the other side of those lips.

Tenley asks Our Host Chris Harrison if she could lay down and pretend she was asleep for her kiss. He asks if she would rather prick her finger on a spinning wheel first. She thinks about it, notices his cocked eyebrow and realizes he is just being silly ole Harrison. She giggles and laughs through the entire process. I think she was nervous because some of the boys stuck their tongue in her mouth.

Tenley: “It was so strange. Two kisses go by and I don’t even remember them. But then—number three—he grabbed me and he kissed me good. Then I found out that number three was Kip! It was our first kiss and I remembered it! We will be married in front of everyone in the land as soon as he finds my glass slipper.”

Next up are the boys.

Jesse B. is first. Tenley gives it her all. Natalie goes for broke. Gia gives a small little peck. Peyton is gentle. Krisily uses a lot of tongue. And Elizabeth attacks and makes that hungry noise again.

Almost immediately, Gia gets weirded out by seeing Elizabeth unhinge her jaw and swallow Jesse whole. She had no idea that everyone would turn into f-ing porn stars during this challenge. She heads over to Our Host and says that she wants to drop out of the competition.

Harrison puts his Ph.D. in Psychology he earned online from the University of Phoenix to good use by first and foremost listening with somewhat of a sincere interest. He pats Gia on the head, instructs her to grab a Kleenex and sends the camera in to shoot her sobbing on Wes Hayden’s bunk bed.

Cue the oboe music because here comes the Weatherman.

Tenley, Nikki, Gwen, Peyton and Krisily keep it simple. Natalie envisions Crazy Dave (Weatherman does the same) and begins licking every inch of Weatherman’s face. It lasts so long that Harrison has to “thank” Natalie for her time. She wipes the spit from her face, confident that she just put the MAN in Weatherman. Elizabeth takes a different approach…one of a lap dancer…and rubs all over him as she makes out. A confused Weatherman requests some alone time with nothing but a Maxim and Sports Illustrated. He has some thinking to do.

Next up is Wes Hayden.

Wes: “I’m a gramophone. It makes me sick just thinking about kissing all those girls. The first one was sloppy. The second was violent. Seven was nice and gentle. And dry. I don’t like when they go in for the kill and attack. It doesn’t turn me on in the slightest. Unless I’m hammered.”

My thoughts exactly.

Harrison announces that Crazy Dave and Peyton were the best kissers in the house. Dave is, of course, not surprised by this news. And Peyton is thrilled that her gentle strategy has kept her safe from elimination.

Almost immediately, Tenley hears the doorbell chime and rushes to the front door expecting someone from the royal court with an invitation to the ball. Alas, it is the date card. She leaves the podium in the front yard and dances back into the living room, careful to not trip over the sweet chipmunks at her feet, and delivers the card to Crazy Dave.

Group Date One
What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas
Crazy Dave
Nikki
Krisily
Natalie

ABC finally decides to spend a little cash and send these “winners” on a real date. Even though they’ve scored a private jet and resort, Natalie says that going to Vegas with Nikki is like going with your grandma. But she is bound and determined to have a good time no matter what. Grace, dignity and swimsuit tops…BE GONE! This is the Bachelor Pad and she is going to do whatever or whoever she has to do to win.

Crazy Dave takes the girls to a new club at the Mirage called Bare. It’s topless. Any guesses on who doesn’t have a problem with this development?

Nikki looks like she would rather be anywhere else but in Vegas. Her boobs tell a different story. They look right at home. Krisily confesses, again, her love for Crazy Dave’s kisses and hopes that there is another one in the near future. Dave just wants to get the two duds to commit to the Plastics so he can get down and dirty with Tits McGee who has now taken to bounding from poolside lawn chair to poolside lawn chair with reckless abandon.

Dave: “Is she drunk already?”
Krisily: “Maybe. A little bit.”

Stay classy Natalie.

Naturally, David is a bit distracted and Krisily is slowly missing her chance to seduce him into kissing her again. He asks Krisily to join him in the hot tub with Tits and Nikki. Then they group hug. Awkward.

Our next stop is a posh penthouse. Nikki is wearing a serious turquoise necklace to accentuate her boobs. And what is this? Krisily is busting out too! The ladies have come to play! Within seconds of arriving, Crazy Dave spots a card with his name on it. It’s that time. He must choose who stays…and who goes IMMEDIATELY.

Crazy Dave had Nikki and Krisily in the back of the limo before they could hear Natalie suggest they have a pillow fight in their underwear. Apparently, what happens in Vegas…doesn’t include Nikki and Krisily.

Dave tells the camera that he and Natalie have never crossed the friendship line. But he felt there was heat during the kissing contest. As if sent by Chris Harrison himself, a waiter brings a secret note. Low and behold, it’s a forego card! Should they choose to forego their individual suites, they are welcome to stay as a couple…

And then they were gone. The camera guy caught about 14 seconds of horizontal mambo before Crazy Dave gets up and shuts the door in our face.

For those of you playing your own version of Fantasy Bachelor Pad, I’m going to go ahead and assume that lines were crossed and things were taken to the next level with these two. Congrats on those who had Natalie putting out on week three!

The next morning, Natalie bounds in the kitchen with Dave closely following looking a lot like Kevin Federline: the Britney Years. Natalie immediately tells the camera that she and Dave are a couple but are going to keep it to themselves. This will quickly unravel the moment Natalie gets drunk enough and announces the union to whomever is holding her hair back while she’s throwing up. And I would be willing to bet that Dave shares the news with his bromance buddies sooner rather than later.

Group Date Two
Gentlemen…Start Your Engines
Peyton
Kovacs
Kip
Jesse B

Peyton makes an interesting choice in her date selections. She admits that picking sides didn’t get her anywhere the week before and has decided that she’s just going to have an awesome time with the other girls’ boy toys.

Tenley is upset that Peyton picked her Prince Charming to accompany her to the ball. She decides that it’s time to spice things up and surprise Kip with some spontaneous cuddling. She wiggles her way into his bunk bed and begins whispering in baby talk, “Does it bother you if I lay here?”

Kip: “I woke up to find Tenley in my bed. But it puts a target on my back. I’m trying to be a bit refrained. I don’t want to put fuel on the fire. Besides, it creeps me out that that at any time, a baby deer, floppy ear bunny or bluebirds may show up at any time. And it doesn’t seem to bother her! That’s just weird!”

Tenley gets a clue and melts out of Kip’s bed with a forlorn look on her face. Even the woodland creatures can’t cheer her up. Natalie finds her scrubbing the floors and singing to the bubbles and asks her what’s up. She admits that she put herself out there to Kip but was rejected. She now knows what it feels like to be an ugly step sister.

Back inside, Peyton is excited to have some fun with the boys. They arrive at a drag strip and the testosterone level jumps as Peyton explains that they will be driving and eating tacos from a stand-alone cart in the parking lot. Awesome!

Kovacs wonders if he’ll say something inappropriate that will get back to Elizabeth. Kip is sad that he hurt Tenley’s feelings. And Jesse B. is getting nostalgic because this drag strip looks a little like the one back home in Peculiar.

Peyton gets a taco with Kip and asks him what’s the deal with Tenley.

Kip: “We are not dating.”
Peyton: “Funny. She thinks you are practically married. I need to know where you stand.”

Kip: “I don’t think we would gel. Everyone thinks we are together, so it really doesn’t matter. I’m glad you took the time to bring me out here and get to know me better.”

Later, Peyton shares some awesome champagne with Kovacs on the hood of the drag strip car. She knows he has an in with the Plastic guys and would be a great person to have on your side. If his balls were attached, with they are not. They clearly reside in a Mason jar beside Elizabeth’s bunk bed. Totally awesome.

Finally, she shares a picnic with Jesse Beck who tells her she is an awesome chick. Finally! Someone who speaks Peyton’s language! Awesome is totally waaaayyy better than rad Natalie or cool Gia.

Jesse: “Natalie was so welcoming. She was giving me attention. She’s not the kind of girl I’m looking for. Not even a little bit. I want someone who I can have fun with. How do you feel about taking your top off?”
Peyton: “Won’t Natalie be jealous of this situation?”

Jesse: “I’m not worried about it. I don’t want you to catch heat for it. If you’re up for it, I am.”

They make out on the grass while Kip and Kovacs cry in their nachos that they are again in danger of getting kicked off if they don’t get the date rose.

Peyton: “Guys. This night has been totally awesome. Kip…you are awesome. Kovacs…I think you are awesome. But the awesomest of all is Jesse Beck and he gets the rose. Now let’s burn rubber and get out of here!”

Speaking of rubber, Jesse Beck is so irritated that he snagged a few from Natalie’s bag before he left, but there is no overnight fantasy date. What a waste.

But alas! Harrison did not let Jesse Beck down! As the quartet reach the front door, there…sitting on a podium…is a forego card date with Peyton’s name on it. Her eyes grow Crazy Dave big as she decides if she should spend the night together in the makeshift fantasy suite (guest bedroom) with Jesse B.

She thinks it will be fun and Jesse leads her up the stairs through the daunting leather fringe barrier that keeps the riff raff away.

Peyton says he’s beautiful and she wants to snuggle. Jesse says she’s a great kisser and then slams the door in our face. Fortunately for the pervs in the audience, ABC has a secret camera and we see movement under the Bed Bath and Beyond duvet the ABC intern got on sale.

Awesome.

In an attempt to regain his manhood, Kovacs has a serious discussion with Elizabeth.

Kovacs: “From day one, I’ve been at a huge disadvantage. I’ve tried to make it up to other people, but it’s just not working.”
Elizabeth: “There’s a small part of me that likes that you are struggling.”

Kovacs: “Is there even a slight possibility that you can be consistent in this game?”
Elizabeth: “Yeah. Kiss my a$$ on elimination days and you are golden.”

Then she cackles like a crazy psycho person as Kovacs hums Helen Reddy’s 1987 feminist anthem “I Am Woman.”

On the other side of the pool, Gia is putting all her money on Wes Hayden to win the entire show.

Gia: “I want you to be the last f-ing guy here. Whatever you awe doing, just keep f-ing doing it.”
Wes: “That would give us enough money to have a nice vacation.”

Gia: “I’m out Wes Hayden. There ain’t no f-ing stopping it.”
Wes: “Even though we are not together, it’s nice to wake up and see you. I’m going to make sure someone else goes home.”

Gia: “You awe the sweetest.”

Enter guitar. Lord help me get through this.

With one strum of the G chord, my body begins convulsing with flashbacks of the 80 million times we heard this Chihuahuan anthem each week during Jillian’s season. Just as they are saying that love don’t come easy, the camera pans Gia’s face and she is eating it up. With a shovel.

Gia: “When I heeyah someone like Wes sing that sawng and see the passion in his eyes and how real he is and putting his heart out for the world to see? That f-ing touches me and makes me very vulnerable.”

Verse two. My eyes have begun to twitch.

Gia: “I’ve never heard a sawng where I listened to the lyrics and actually related. I look at this boy and wonder how he could write something so beautiful.”

Now my ears are bleeding.

Gia: “I’ve never met a person like that boy. He’s so f-ing talented. He’s like a mawdern day Shakespeayah…but hotter and better.”

I weep for the young people of this world.

Determined to keep Gia under his spell, Wes begins his campaign to break up the couples. He encourages Gia to convince Kip that he needs to vote Elizabeth off of the island. Gia summons her best baby talk voice…the one that gets her out of all the sticky situations with her father and his Guidos…and tells Kip that it wasn’t personal when she conspired to get him kicked off last week.

Our Host Chris Harrison, looking about one step below awesome, glides into the room to remind people to vote. He stirs up no drama this week and we are all a little sad.

The Plastics soon realize that Wes is trying to break them up. They are all ticked off because they haven’t done ANYTHING to him. Guess whose bunk is getting short sheeted tonight?

Elizabeth soon finds out that it is between her and Gia. She knows that if there is a tie, Crazy Dave (who holds the date rose) will vote for her to stay. Wes continues his strategy to get Elizabeth kicked off and tries to convince Crazy Dave that Kovacs is gone next week for sure. Dave exercises the skills he learned in his ABC-mandated anger management class he took after Jillian’s season, breathes in and out and chooses to walk away from Wes instead of punching him in the throat.

ABC tries to make us think that Kip is having a difficult time with being the swing vote as he looks at both Gia and Elizabeth’s pictures in the Pier One bureau room.

Rose Ceremony

Before Harrison barks out the remaining contestants, Gia points to her eye, her boob and then to Wes. She’s the only one who doesn’t look like she’s about to freeze. Melissa Rycroft is feeling good too, because the top of her gown was made out of Muppet hair. I hear they are pretty warm.

Roses go to:
Natalie
Peyton
David
Jesse b
Ashley
Kip
Tenley
Nikki
Gwen
Wes
Krisily
Kovacs

Harrison announces to the group that there is a tie between Elizabeth and Gia. Crazy Dave must choose the name of the woman he wants to SAVE in front of everyone.

Crazy Dave: “I was raised to think life is not always fair. It’s not fair that I’m in this position. I choose to keep Elizabeth around.”

No one notices the Weatherman high fiving Harrison and getting into the limo. Gia is telling everyone goodbye and tries to untangle herself from a Wes Hayden death grip. She calls him a sweethawt and tells him she loves him. Then she takes the target off her back and places it directly on his.

In scenes from next week, it looks as if we have a rousing game of TELL THE TRUTH that has all the girls in tears.

Of course, I can’t wait.

And if any of you are interested in the Fantasy Bachelor Pad rules, two of our IHGB readers have suggestions for you! Check out this link from Lindsay or the rules below from Ben.

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

1. Each person wanting to play shows up and places his/her name in a hat.

2. The names are drawn to determine draft order (e.g. 1. Andrew 2. Courtney 3. Betsy and so forth).

3. In that order, we chose remaining contestants on the show and they become our “players” for the entire season.

4. Once we have our players (it will be an even number, those left over won’t be on anyone’s team), we will keep score with our players based on the players’ score on the show – so the object is to draft (select) the strongest cast member for your team.

5. Scoring will go like this:
If your cast member:
a. Wins the initial challenge – 7 pts
b. Is selected to go on the date – 3 pts.
c. Gets the rose while on the date – 4 pts.
d. Avoids elimination (isn’t voted off) 1 pt
e. Is kicked off the show for fighting, drugs or excessive drinking 5 pts.
g. Has confirmed (i.e. admits it on the show while on the show) sexual intercourse with another cast member 4 pts.
h. Advances to the final four – 5 pts
i. Advances to the final two – 6 pts
j. Wins the whole thing – 8 pts.
k. Rides in a helicopter at any time – 2 pts.
l. Attends a concert or musical performance with a burnt out band/singer shamelessly pushed by ABC/Disney – 1 pt
m. Exposes genitals or breasts (females only) intentionally – 1 pt per exposure event

The recap will be up as soon as I go buy some blue Listerine to rinse out my mouth.  Since I will be doing all of this blind folded, it may take a while.

In the meantime, feel free to discuss last night’s episode in the comment section.  I’ll go first:

I missed most of the kissing contest because I was rocking back and forth with my hands over my face, hiding behind a couch cushion, searching for the lost remote control or laughing hysterically.

Your turn.

One of my first oversea assignments was in the Ukraine. This is one of my favorite travel stories EVER! Let’s just say I was happy that the vodka was so strong…because it killed every single one of my taste buds.

Originally written in September 2007. Enjoy!

* * * * * * *

I’m back from the Ukraine and feeling a little groggy. Yes, the flight home was 11 hours and yes the pregnant women who sat both in front of me and back of me threw up different parts of the flight, but that’s neither here nor there.

I think my body is still trying to filter out the Vodka. And there was a lot of it.

On my last night in town, the guys from the Ukraine facility wanted to treat the Americans to a traditional Russian dinner. There were 10 of us all together at the back of a restaurant in the small town of Stryi.

Here is a breakdown of nationalities at our table:

1 Ukraine guy

2 Russians

3 Brits

1 dude from Ghana

3 Americans–me being the only girl

I am seated at the middle of the long table with my American colleagues at either side of me. I’m directly across from the Ukraine guy who happens to be the General Manager of the facility. He motions for the waiter to come over to pour a round of Vodka shots.

I had already been warned that these people drink Vodka like water. I had also been warned that it is an insult to not drink with them, so if offered, you’d better partake.

Ukraine guy stands up and toasts everyone at the table. He talks about the wonderful relationship between them and the US and is proud to call us partners. This goes on for about five minutes. In this five minutes, waiter boy has placed a plate of “something” at each end of the table. I’m no expert, but it looked like slugs.

Our host concludes his salute by saying that it is Russian tradition to chase the Vodka shot. On this special celebratory occasion, we will be chasing the shot with herring. And onions.

Lord help me right now. That was my first thought. Seriously.

He lifts his glass and toasts the table. We all slam our drinks back and spike the herring with our fork. Down the hatch.

All I can say is THANK GOODNESS the Vodka was like rubbing alcohol, because it burned the taste of the oily, slimy herring in my mouth. It may have burned a few taste buds too, but I’m good with that at this point.

Everyone cheers and high fives as waiter boy brings a plate of cucumbers, tomatoes and red bell peppers. I start munching away. I’m professional. I can get through this, even though I can’t stand tomatoes. We all know I have the appetite of a sophisticated fourth grader, but I pressed through for the good of the company.

All of the sudden, waiter boy starts making his rounds filling up the Vodka shots again. What in the world? Number two Russian guy stands up and makes a toast. It too lasts forever. We cheer. We toast. We take the shot. We all suck in air…you know what I mean…and then eat some more oily herring.

And then comes the questionable deli selection. Being the smart eater I am, I choose the two lightest meats. I convince myself they surely come from Louis Rich and chant mentally in my head, “It’s turkey and ham. It’s turkey and ham. It’s turkey and ham.” I gobble it up in three bites, ignoring the funny smell. I soon notice a plate has been thrust in my face. It’s full of rolled up bacon.

You may be thinking to yourself, “Oh good! Something she recognizes. Everyone loves bacon!”

Dear friend. We are in the Ukraine. It’s bacon fat. Fat. The fat of bacon. All white. Fat. Bacon fat.

My Ukraine friend who is across from me is holding the plate with a huge smile. “It’s good for you!”

Good to clog my arteries, but WHAT THE HECK! And where’s my Vodka shot? OH THERE IT IS!

Waiter boy comes over with the third shot. It helps to dissolve the roll of bacon that has lodged in my throat.

It is the beginning of the fourth course when I realize that we toast each round. I try to get the attention of my waiter friend, but my arms are too heavy to lift. He finally realizes that my joints are paralyzed from the Vodka and comes over to see what I need. I ask for bottled water. After looking at me like I’m from another planet, he finally brings one over.

Everyone is diving in to the potato ravioli (not the real name, but what I called them) and luckily they don’t notice me putting water in my shot glass. The next course comes and I’m ready to toast EVERYONE! By the end of the night, the Russians are toasting the Vodka. The Brits are toasting the Americans who carry guns, and the Americans are toasting the Revolutionary War. Good times.

All together there were seven courses. I had four Vodka shots and three water. I slept good that night. And also have the feeling that my insides have been cleansed.

And it’s a good thing my insides were cleaned out, because I later found out that that deli meat was donkey tongue.

I think I threw up a little in my mouth just typing that sentence.

In case you didn’t get the memo from last night’s episode, the house is beginning to divide. Over here, you have the kids from the wrong side of the tracks. Over there, you have the popular kids who rule the school.

Let me break it down even further…

If the Bachelor Pad took place in an ‘80s movie, the Outsiders would consist of Andie and her BFF Duckie Dale, Donald/Ronald Miller, Watts, Ponyboy and Johnny. Sitting at the “cool kids” table in John Hughes High School cafeteria would be Blane, Cherry, Jake Ryan, Cindy Mancini and Regina George.

We’ve all heard this story before…the outsider hates the cool click and wants them to see how the other half really lives outside of their perfect popular bubble.

As we all know, there are always the inbetweeners. Those who own up to the fact that they are outsiders, but secretly long to be accepted by the plastics.

Obviously, this is where drama lives. Greasers, socials, freaks, plastics, nerds, athletes, drama queens and scorned future Playboy bunnies…welcome to the Bachelor Pad!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone on your Twitter account happens to personally know, sort of know, friends with the nephew/former classmate of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying New Moon on DVD or have a Jazzercize instructor that looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

We open the show with all of the contestants traipsing in from the rose ceremony driveway, all too drunk to remember who just got sent home. They continued to booze it up, pat each other on the back and confirm that “this is getting real” now that they know how the elimination process works. No one noticed Elizabeth dragging Kovacs by the choke collar to a secluded area of the mansion for a little debriefing.

Elizabeth: “I was sooooo nervous for you just now. Do you realize that you almost got kicked off but because all the girls listen to me?”
Kovacs: “I think we need to help each other out.”

Elizabeth: “I just don’t know. People don’t trust you. You should see what they wrote about you in the Burn Book. Soooooo rude.”
Kovacs: “I think we need to stick together.”

Later Kovacs feels it is in his best interest to admit to the camera that being a couple with Elizabeth is a better strategy than being alone.

The next day, we find Jesse Beck feeling up chatting up Natalie on their favorite wicker couch out by the pool. He tells her she is sexy and she giggles as his hands grope her body in a prime-time way. Natalie tells us she used to be in this for the money, but now all she worries about is if her hair is fixed. Beck tells us that Natalie is a rad chick. They both sort of admit they wouldn’t vote each other off, but get distracted by tongues sticking down their throats to make a true alliance.

Melissa shows up with a severe pony tail and invites everyone out into the driveway. Harrison announces that the day’s competition is a good old fashioned pie eating contest. The guys and the girls will eat separately and one of each will get a rose. Melissa adds a super exciting twist…NO HANDS!

Weatherman: “I need to focus on winning this challenge so I can win the girls over.”
Lincee: “Bless him.”

Gia: “I hate f-ing pie.”
Lincee: “I understand you are probably on a strict diet of water and bird seed, but suck it up Gia. It’s time to eat real people food.”

Krisily totally doesn’t want to cry because she is totally not that girl, but she pulls Harrison aside crying, revealing that she doesn’t have a gall bladder and can’t digest fat. She doesn’t think inhaling a pie for the sake of competition is worth spending the night in the hospital. Instead of offering her a monogrammed handkerchief and consoling shoulder like she expected, Harrison refrains from rolling his eyes and asks her to run down to the local tractor supply store to get some large, black feed buckets because it is about to go down! Harrison is not playing games people. He’s there to turn up the heat. And make six figures a week doing it.

The girls are first to compete. All but Krisily sit down at the long picnic table, complete with red and white checkered table cloth, and immediately take off their tops, except for Girl Jessie who prefers to vie for the rose in nothing but her string bikini. The ABC intern passes out rubber bands and everyone puts their hair in a bun. Hands are clasped behind backs and the game begins.

The girls daintily nibble at first. It takes an announcement from Harrison that Girl Jessie is literally rooting through her pie like a pig at slop time in order for the others to declare GAME ON. Natalie complains that pie is up her nose. Nikki can’t stand that her makeup is no longer flawless and Liz reveals that the pie tastes like “you know those times when you throw up a little in your mouth? Like that.”

We praise the ABC intern for the brilliant decision to make the pies disgusting. GO INTERN!

Even though she had an early lead, Tenley begins fake crying, dry heaving and whining to anyone who will listen that she doesn’t like it anymore! Make it stop!

Melissa begins laughing and asks if anyone needs a hurl bucket. Natalie was the first to blow. Ten guys jumped out of her way to make room for the flying vomit. Gia begins gagging. Wes encourages her to continue eating, and even gives her a tip to flip her pie up and over out of the tin pan. Natalie is losing a lung on the side. Elizabeth pukes in her own hands and then deposits the regurgitation in Tenley’s bucket. Kovacs witnesses Tenley puke in her own pie and continue eating it.

It’s down to Gia and Tenley. An outsider against a plastic. Gia is cheered on by Wes, Peyton, Krisily and Gwen. Tenley is pushed by her beloved Kip, Crazy Dave, Kovacs, Elizabeth and various woodland creatures and blue birds.

Tenley: “I caaaaannnn’t eeeeeaaaatt anoottttthhhhheeeerrrr biiiiiiiittttteee.”
Woodland Creatures: “You can do it. You can do it Tenley!”

Gia: “This pie f-ing sucks.”
Wes: “C’mon darling. If you eat five more bites, I’ll play you a song on my guitar.”

Gia ends up winning in a close race. She and Tenley puke their guts out. Crazy Dave admits that there is nothing more unattractive than what he just witnessed, but it sure has brought them closer together.

I can see Dave’s point. I haven’t seen that much public heaving since I attended an Aggie ring dunk back in 1997. But let me tell you…those guys looked pretty bonded to me. Could it have been the clinking of ice cold Miller Lite in a plastic pitcher? Perhaps. But I think the true connection happened around the time they all shared the same garbage bag to toss their cookies. Ah. Camaraderie at its finest.

After a quick hose down of the table, Our Host asks the men to take their positions. Crazy Dave feels confident because he eats six meals a day. Kovacs knows that he will win. And Weatherman is nervous that there are big strong muscle men around him who can eat like nobody’s business. But he is going to put that thought out of his head and concentrate.

Not one dude took off their shirt for the pie eating contest.

Can I please call a party foul on this moment? When, dear producers, WHEN will you let us see Kip’s abs? COME ON.

Harrison says “go” and all the guys dig in with fanatic fervor. Then we get close up shots of Kovacs, Beck and Crazy Dave with repulsive looks on their faces. I’m guessing the ABC intern switched sugar with baking powder on this round of pies, but whatever. All agree that the pie was disgusting. In a moment of panic, Craig uses his hair to sop up pie goo. Tenley encourages Kip. Gia is Wes’ cheerleader. As the plastics cheer the plastics and the outsiders cheer the outsiders, no one notices that Weatherman is sucking up the crumbled crust of his pie like a Dyson on crack.

He looks at Our Host with eager anticipation as Harrison announces Weatherman as the winner! The Weatherman jumps up, “hell yeahs” everyone at the table, stops in front of Crazy Dave’s station to inhale a chunk of his barely-eaten pie and executes a couple of perfect pirouettes in celebration.

Crazy Dave: “Well. He’s good at eating pie. He’s got that going for him.”

Somewhere in Austin, Some Guy raises his Lone Star at the irony of that statement.

All of the contestants give interviews about how they underestimated the Weatherman. Most of them have pie crust and filling remnants all over their cheeks, chins and eyebrows. I found this random, gross and hilarious at the same time.

Girl Jessie pulls Craig, an outsider, away for some alone time. Craig asks Jessie to remind the girls that the vote is anonymous. He knows he is on the chopping block and is banking on Girl Jessie to make something happen.

Meanwhile, the Weatherman and Gia (both outsiders) strategize now that they have all the power. Gia holds her tummy because she’s not used to so much food being inside her digestive tract.

Gia: “The plastics…Natalie, Elizabeth and Tenley will vote as a group and keep their guys here.”
Weatherman: “I agree. I like their guys.”

Gia: “NO WEATHERMAN. The forecast calls for you to take the outsiders on your f-ing date and convince them to break up the army of skanks. Do you understand? Choose Krisily, Peyton and Gwen.”
Weatherman: “You can trust me.”

The date card arrives and Girl Jessie wonders why Krisily didn’t bring in the entire podium.

Weatherman Date
“Reveal your true selves…no brushes aloud”
Peyton
Gwen
Ashley

Gia is ticked that Weatherman didn’t choose Krisily as she instructed him to do. Kovacs is ticked that the Weatherman is smarter than he gave him credit for and the Weatherman is ticked that he can’t pick dudes to accompany him on his date.

Weatherman loads up his two outsiders and one Switzerland in the limo and heads to an abandoned warehouse where Melissa has set up butcher paper and cans of primary colors of paint. In another show twist, you have to use your bodies as rollers and brushes to paint a masterpiece.

The zingers keep coming with this one, huh?

Weatherman dips behind a back-lit screen to change. He asks if the girls are ready for “Speedo: The Sequel.” He struts out with a huge smile and points to his junk region. Ashley thinks he totally rocked it.

They all put their hand prints as a border around the paper. We were all bored. The camera man suggests the girls slather paint all over the Weatherman. He is unfazed. Peyton spins around on her tummy and says she’s a merry-go-round. She asks if anyone wants a ride.

I blushed.

Back at the mansion, the outside girls are super annoyed that the plastics are all in the hot tub together having fun. Gia convinces Krisily and Nikki that Craig is the key and at this very moment, the Weatherman is convincing the other girls to keep him on the island and vote off Kip’s abs. Krisily gets goose bumps and promises this to be the most dramatic rose ceremony ever.

At the same time, Harrison has is lawyers draw up a legal document asking Krisily to cease and desist from using his trademarked catch phrase without his permission.

Meanwhile, Weatherman decides that it’s time to talk strategy with his fellow outsiders. Peyton needs no convincing but is surprised to hear that Gia is on board. Ashley is a different beast. She understands that the powerhouse needs to break up, but she is close with those girls.

Ashley: “I love Elizabeth and Tenley. And now that Natalie is hooching with Jesse Beck, that leaves Crazy Dave all for me! It’s my in to the plastics and I’m going to take it!”

Ashley stays neutral and sort of promises, but not really, alliance to Weatherman and the outsiders. Weatherman is stoked that he has done his job as puppet master and is ready to lay the moves on Gwen up on the roof.

Cue awkward oboe music.

Weatherman: “What did you think of the painting? Did you ruin your bathing suit?”

Oh Weatherman. Just when you start to get a little normal, you dork out on us. I guess that’s the life of an outsider. After learning that she’s been to Positano, Italy and likes to play tennis, Weatherman concludes that he and Gwen are a match made in heaven and extends her the date rose.

Gwen: “I’m happy that I got the rose. People think that Jon likes me, but that’s not going to happen. I can guarantee you that.”

Gia’s Date

Gia is getting drunk with the f-ing power of holding the f-ing competition rose. She finds Weatherman and Peyton to share her strategy for the day.

Gia: “We have five outsiders (me, Peyton, Gwen, Nikki, Krisily) who have agreed to keep Craig.”
Weatherman: “Don’t forget Ashley.”

Gia: “Please. Do not f-ing trust Ashley.”
Weatherman: “But she promised me her alliance!”
Peyton: “Sorry dude. She lied to our faces. She’s a plastic.”

Gia: “She f-ing makes fun of you Weatherman. I hate that you are making that f-ing face to me. You aren’t even f-ing listening to me. You are blind. You are in our crew now and Craig is staying.”
Weatherman: “Give me a hug.”

Kovacs leaves the podium in the front yard and returns with the date card. He waves at the ABC intern who is spraying off the driveway so it will glisten in the lights for the rose ceremony that night. Gia, sporting an unfortunate braided head band, announces that she knows two of the guys she wants to invite on her date. Congratulations to Wes Hayden and Craig!

Natalie: “Really? Craig?”
Gia: “The last one I’m not sure about, so I’m just going to put all your names in a bowl and pick.”

But Gia has a little secret. She only put Jesse Beck’s name in the bowl. She wants him to be on her crew. She needs a tall guy with tats who can do the robot in the background.

Gia takes pride in the fact that she is doing her best to make this game fair and not a popularity contest. She adds as an aside that she thinks Wes Hayden is super charming and ever-so-dreamy.

The limo drops the group off at a random courtyard in some Los Angeles hotel. We assume Harrison is in the bar doing tequila shots with Roberto who is sporting an interesting ensemble of burgundy gingham shirt and polka dot tie. The ABC intern has done his best to turn the courtyard into a Moroccan wonderland, complete with billowy tents, colorful pillows and body art. Gia immediately pulls Craig away to ease his anxious heart.

Gia: “Look Craig. I want you to know that I’m giving you the f-ing rose.”
Craig: “Thank you. I trust you. And it’s tough to trust anyone here.”
Gia: “When I give someone my f-ing word…it’s done. Well. For the most part anyway, unless I change my mind and am smitten by the charisma of an f-ing country and western singer from Texas. But what are the odds of that happening when I’m so f-ing smart?”

Gia delivers a smiling Craig to the tent and exchanges him for Beck.

Gia: “Do you like henna?”
Beck: “I’ve never smoked that before, but I’m willing to give anything a try.”

Gia: “No silly. It’s body art. I want to add to your tattoo collection.”

Beck whips off his shirt and tries to find a clean surface on his body for Gia to work. She explains that traditionally, henna is on the hand. She begins to write “I f-ing heart Beck” while talking strategy.

Gia. “Now that I have you alone, I want to talk strategy. I’ve chosen the outsiders. There are five of us girls who are going to f-ing vote off Kip. I want you to be with us. PS: don’t f-ing tell Natalie. I know you are with her, but keep this to your f-ing self or else.”
Jesse B: “Natalie is cool, but this is a game. It’s not going to be hard for me to let her go.”

Gia: “Are you f-ing sure?”
Jesse B: “I’m here for half a million dollars. And to meet you.”

Gia giggles and confides to the camera that she “isn’t going to let Jesse’s charm misconstrue her strategy.” I’ve decided to overlook the incorrect use of misconstrue and go with YAY FOR GIA for using a sentence that didn’t have to be bleeped by ABC!

Just as we are beginning to think the Bachelor Pad has gone all soft on us by not shooting any make out sessions since Natalie and Beck’s PDA in our episode opener, the camera sneaks over Elizabeth asking Kovacs if there’s anything she can do to make it up to him that she’s been a “dumb smart girl” so far in this competition. Kovacs fancies a back scrub, so the next shot is them getting it on in the shower, complete with acoustic guitar soundtrack. I feel sorry for the intern who had to be in there holding a back light so the shadow would be projected on the curtain, but someone has to do go the distance for the show besides Kovacs.

Back in makeshift Morocco, we find Gia massaging Wes Hayden’s hands with lavender oil. Gia giggles and tells Wes he is the nicest guy in the house. Wes tells Gia that he is crazy about her…she is beautiful, funny, smart, witty and everything he wants in a girl. He wishes the circumstances were different, but he truly thinks she is amazing.

For the first time in her life, Gia is f-ing speechless.

Wes: “You’re not mine. You’ll never be mine. You are so beautiful. I have an infatuation that you are my girl. I mean that. I love you.”

Gia melts into a puddle before his eyes and he knows he has won…even without his guitar.

Gia: “You are so f-ing sweet. Everyone has it wrong about you.”

And instead of giving the rose she promised to Craig, she gives it to Wes Hayden.

Craig, still reeling in Gia’s “I never go back on my word” speech, is confused. Wes Hayden is mentally changing the lyrics to his number one selling album in Chihuahua, Mexico to “They Say That Love Does Come Easy When You Can Charm The Pants Off A Swimsuit Model Who Is Secretly Insecure.” It’s sure to be another classic, available at Wal-Mart on his Greatest Hits album next spring.

Gia: “I just messed up the f-ing whole game plan. I never expected to meet someone so f-ing amazing. I probably made a mistake. My head said to give the rose to Craig, but my heart said give it to Wes Hayden. Morally I did the right thing.”

Naturally, the plastics are relieved.

Girl Jessie gets her flirt on with Crazy Dave in the hot tub and straight up admits to him that she is a true plastic but will pretend to be an outsider to gather information. Unfortunately, she didn’t count on Krisily eavesdropping while she seals this deal with Crazy Dave with a kiss.

Krisily agrees to tell her super secret about Girl Jessie to Kiptyn in exchange for a quick peek at his abs.

The next morning, Beck checks out Gia’s scars she got from the school kids stealing her shoes back in the day before she was pretty and concludes that she is one cool chick. Everyone knows cool is totally above and beyond rad. He leaves to have a heart-to-heart with Natalie.

Beck: “I’ve heard that you’ve given more rides than a New York City cab.”
Natalie: “Untrue. Crazy Dave is my boy. Sure he’s seen my boobs, but who hasn’t? And yes, at one point I dated Kovacs. But that was just for his wine connections.”

Beck: “I just want to be friends.”
Natalie: “With benefits?”

Beck: “Ask me again after the show. We’ll see. Right now, I’m concentrating on being an outsider.”

Meanwhile, Gia tries to make good on her HUGE mistake of not giving Craig the rose. She feels that there are five girls in her pack who will vote for Kiptyn and five in their pack who will vote for Craig. She will be the one to break the tie and will vote for Kiptyn. Everyone seems cool with this decision for the most part.

Our Host Chris Harrison walks in to talk to the group. We ignore the shirt and tie combo. Let’s agree that it wasn’t as bad as Natalie’s hot pink tutu. He cranks the tension up about 50 notches by asking Elizabeth how her relationship with Kovacs is going in front of everyone.

Elizabeth explains that her situation isn’t any different than Tenley and Kiptyn’s situation. With the gentle hum of a whispering wind, Tenley corrects Elizabeth by saying that her relationship with Kip is not physical. She secretly dreams of the day when he whisks her away to ride his white steed and live happily ever after, but alas, that has not happened yet.

Elizabeth is shocked that Tenley would be so bold in front of the entire group and gives her the harshest reaction she can fathom:

Her feelings have been hurt because of Tenley’s rudeness.

Harrison jumps all over this and asks Tenley, even though she is clearly upset, to explain herself. Through chokes, sobs and tears, Tenley picks up the baby lamb at her feet and buries her head in the soft wool. She apologizes for making Elizabeth upset and promises to never do it again. She begs for forgiveness and Elizabeth accepts. Tiny little mice use the discarded scraps of material from sewing Tenley’s rose ceremony dress to wipe away her tears.

Harrison allows the brooding to go on a little longer before making sure everyone has voted in the deliberation room. Elizabeth threatens Ashley and tells her to stop trying to make fetch happen. Crazy Dave confronts Girl Jessie, asking her to deny that she is in cahoots with Craig. She begins crying and promises to stick with the plastics and vote for Craig.

Knowing that Nikki has her tiara and Miss Illinois sash packed in her bag, Crazy Dave is convinced she can be swung to the plastic side. He and Kovacs agree that Kip is just the person to make her see the light.

Kip tells Nikki he understands her dilemma and if it’s his time to go, he’s fine with that. Nikki wants to keep him, but has promised to vote him off the island. She hates that she is the swing vote and wishes all the stressful people would just go home. She begins to cry and Kip puts an arm around her, pulling her body into his abs.

Nikki is done. She drank the cool kid Kool-Aid. There’s no turning back now.

Harrison reminds us that Wes Hayden (in his electric green shirt), Weatherman, Gwen and Gia all have immunity. The remaining roses go to:

Tenley
Jesse B
Peyton
Nikki
Ashley
David
Elizabeth
Natalie
Kovacs
Krisily
Kip

Gia looks like she’s gong to murder someone and begins stage whispering, “who?” to all the outsiders. I found this ironic since she had the power to give Craig a rose 30 minutes ago. Sonny is sent back to Miami Beach to fight crime for the vice squad. Girl Jesse removes her dress and sits in the limo in her bikini, wondering if anything would have happened between her and Crazy Dave and Nikki sulks in the corner now that she is alienated from both the plastics and the outsiders.

Never fear Nikki. From the looks of next week’s show, Crazy Dave will be making his move on you. Perhaps the attraction begins during a saucy game of blindfold kissing? Maybe that’s why Gia calls Wes Hayden a “modern day Shakespeare…only cuter.” And of course, Natalie copes with Jesse dumping her by going topless.

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