Last week I unplugged my phone after it was fully charged. Thirty minutes later, it died. I visited my local Apple bar and a hipster dude wearing a skull cap in the heat of August told me it would be several hours before they could assess my situation after he looked at me with a questionable smirk when I told him yes, I had powered off and back on again.

Geniuses. They don’t trust the common folk.

I decided to go to Best Buy because an employee with huge ear gauges told me that Apple is a “partner” carrier who might be able to help me in a more timely manner. Thanks girl! And I’m sorry for staring at your ears for so long. I was just wondering if I could fit my finger through your ear holes. No biggie.

At Best Buy, one of the Geek Squad members ran a full diagnostic on my phone. To no one’s surprise, my battery was dead. He said he could get me a new one and asked me to return in about an hour. I paid for the battery and asked the darling Geek if he could text me when my phone was ready.

Geek: “Well m’am. I’ll have your phone, soooooo no.”

Touché Geek!

There’s a Target near Best Buy and since the big red bullseye draws me in a like a bargain moth to a Dollar Spot flame, I decided to get lost in the store for precisely fifty-four minutes. I dug through my purse to pull out my phone so I could set a timer, freaked out that my phone was missing, and then realized that Geek had my phone.

Here’s what else I tried to do with my phone while in Target:

• Punch in directions to Google maps for my next destination since I had never been where I was going.
• Shazam a song playing through the speakers.
• Call Mama.
• Text Jamie.
• Check the time.
• Text my roommate to see if she needed anything from Target.
• Listen to the Popcast podcast because Knox and Jamie are my favorites and I feel like I need to check on them like imaginary friends.
• Take a picture of a FUR LINER for kids’ lockers.
• Instagram a picture of a FUR LINER for kids’ lockers.
• Check the time again.
• Figure out my exact savings on a pillow (35% off) with the calculator.
• Check to see if that person had emailed me back yet.
• Panicked three more times wondering what I had done with my phone.
• Felt a phantom vibration twice in the side pocket of my purse.
• Newsflash: My phone was not there.

The good news is that I was able to relax and enjoy a new 80s/90s radio station as I drove back to Best Buy in five o’clock Houston traffic. While I was off the grid, I sang along with:

• UB40 abut red, red wine
• Cher turning back time
• Madonna cherishing things
• Alanis with one hand in her pocket
• Michael Jackson beating it
• Steve Perry and a girl named Sherrie
• The Steve Miller Band and that pesky Joker
• The Backstreet Boys wanting it that way

I actually took these notes down with old school pen and paper since I didn’t have access to electronic note app. It was glorious. Try it today. Put the phone in a drawer for an hour and enjoy the freedom of a digital-free life.

Or write down everything you want to do with your phone and email me so we can bond.