Prince Lorenzo: Episode 1

Let’s face it people…The Bachelor is back. IN FULL FORCE!

Oh I loved it. I loved every single minute of it. Was I embarrassed? Of course. Did I hide my face behind the sofa pillow? YOU BET! Classic. ABC threw back to the old school days and provided a nice crop of young ladies that are full of life.

So much material…so little time.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies…that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Halloween Oreos or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

The Fairy Tale
I can already tell that the Prince theme is going to get on my nerves. Last year we were in Paris and everything was about the City of Love. This year, it’s all about fairy tales. Chris Harrison is a doll, but he drove me insane counting the times he used the phrase “fairy tale” during his opening monologue in front of the fancy Borghese Fountain on Borghese Street next to the Borghese building that sells Borghese Cosmetics. We get it. This guy is a Prince. Some girl he fake proposes to is going to become an almost Princess. A dream come true.

MEET PRINCE LORENZO BORGHESE
Lorenzo Borghese has rich Italian family history and a rich Italian family. He pretends to help run the family cosmetic business, by walking through the Borghese warehouse in his white lab coat. We know that the ABC intern had to pick him up from the Borghese Pet Spa to shoot the segment, but that is neither here nor there. The real story is that Lorenzo Borghese is a Prince.

In true Chris Harrison charisma, our host sits down with the Prince in some comfy chairs located in the middle of the 16th Century Borghese Family Castle that ABC rented for a few months, and asks the burning question all Americans are curious to hear:

“What is up with this Prince thing?”

THANK YOU CHRIS! EXACTLY! Just because I’m 1/145 American Indian, doesn’t mean I go around saying that I’m the Pocahontas heir.

Anyway…

Prince Lorenzo Borghese is so over being a Prince. Here is a quick excerpt I took from last night’s episode:

“I mean…if one of my friends introduces me to a woman at a club and says that I am a Prince, the night is so over. At that point, the woman is only interested in me because of my awesome Prince status. Can’t I just be a normal person? And there are no girls in New York City. None. That’s why I got my pilot’s license—so I can go fly around the country and find people who have never heard of me.”

Our Prince goes on to tell Chris Harrison that his ancestor, Pope Paul, is looking down on him in the rented family palace. Pope Paul. Yeah. He sounds real. He also tells Chris Harrison that he speaks menu Italian. He says he should not be judged that he can’t speak his Kingdom’s language, because he left Italy when he was two and who cares if that is his Dad’s primary language. He prefers the language of love.

MEET THE BORGHESES
Their Highnesses Borghese are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary and the Prince needs a date. The Mom is looking pretty good for being married 40 years. What is that Borgheses Cosmetics website again? And my favorite part is when the Dad uses air quotes. Air quotes by the King of Italy rule.

ROME!
In a sneaky twist, ABC “surprises” the girls at their homes to let them know that they have been chosen as Bachelorettes and will be whisked off to Rome. The catch? RIGHT NOW! THERE IS NO TIME TO PACK! WHAT WILL THEY DO?

In some cases, they immediately sell their car to participate. In other cases, they try on all their string bikinis for the ABC camera crew to decide which is hot tub worthy. Luckily, my hometown Houston girl had her maid there to pack her prom dresses, tiaras…leave the furs home because of the animal rights people…and Gucci purses into 14 pieces of Louis Vuitton luggage in order for her to make her first ever coach flight on time.

I’m so proud.

MEET THE BACHELORETTES

April
Model
Why you remember her: Let’s be honest with each other. You remember her boobs. Admit it.
Status: No rose

Andrea
Hotel concierge
Why you remember her: Andrea. Oh Andrea. She was our first experience of a bless her heart moment in Bachelorfest 2006. I know she started off singing opera from the balcony in a most embarrassing serenade to our Prince. She could have ended with some Chingy for all I know. It was chaos for a good 20 seconds. There was a combination of a high pitched aria, me screaming, shoving my fingers as far down in my ears as physically possible while rocking myself back and forth like I do when I just can’t handle the pressure and my friend Anne saying n-n-n-n-n-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o in an eerie low voice…unable to look away from the TV. And poor Andrea kept going. And going. I can still hear her sometimes when I sleep. Bless her heart.
Status: No rose

Brit
Beer Chemist
Why you remember her: She was a little bitsy pocket person of a thing who had her hands on her hips as if to say, “Ready? Okay! Two-bits, four bits, six bits a dollar…”
Status: No rose

Carissa
Lawyer
Why you remember her: You don’t.
Status: No rose

Claudia
Restaurateur
Why you remember her: CLOWdia. Claudia? No— it’s CLOWdia.
Status: No ROWse

Desiree
Realtor
Why you remember her: Hey baby! How could you forget her, baby?! Desiree got her dress in Vegas, baby and is constantly adjusting it because righteous swingers don’t wear bras, baby. She is the aggressive Bachelorette, baby, and asks for a kiss from our Prince. He obliges with a shagadelic peck on the cheek. She promptly asks if she makes him horny. Yeah baby. Yeah.
Status: Rose, baby

Ellen
Realtor
Why you remember her: She’s the one ABC put in the mix at the sunrise ceremony to trick us into thinking we haven’t been paying attention, because I had never seen her before. Seriously.
Status: Rose

Elyse
Doctor
Why you remember her: You remember how crazy it is that a girl named Elise would spell her name Elyse. Who does that? Trying to get attention with a freaky spelled name? Why does everyone throw a Y in the mix when an I is perfectly acceptable? Crazy spelled name weirdoes. I will now get off my Lincee soapbox.
Status: No rose

Erica
Houston socialite (whoop!)
Why you remember her: You remember her dog, her Mom’s prom dress, her maid, her big house, that she flew coach for the first time, her tiara, the fact that she knows who is college educated by their tattoos, she doesn’t know how to make a bed and she loves caressing her own hair. I love Erica.
Status: Rose

Gina
Ultrasound Technician
Why you remember her: Her lips are constantly in a pout. She also reminds you of Dancing with the Stars winner and General Hospital resident Kelly. Or is that just me? She also met the Prince and bolted inside without a token spin twirl of her dress or polite cheek peck. G’s got attitude.
Status: Rose

Heather
Registered nurse
Why you remember her: She’s the one that the ABC intern had to give the banana bag to because they needed her to sober up before the Sunrise Service. My girl Heather got wasted and was proud of it. After splashing a bit of cold water on her face and downing a few dozen cups of strong coffee, she was able to get through her one-on-one time with the Prince before passing out. Luckily, she was blessed with genetics, so she is going to be okay.
Status: Alas…she was sent home without a rose.

Jami
Event Planner
Why you remember her: ABC tried to hick her up at the beginning, but she turned out to be one of my favorites. She’s a classic rock chick, right on. They even both went to see Bon Jovi in concert, kick a$$.
Status: Rose

Jeanette
Teacher
Why you remember her: She had the dark dark dark hair and the red dress. She is 23 and acts 23.
Status: Rose

Jennifer
Teacher/Resident Bachelor Cheerleader
Why you remember her: The energy. Oh the energy. She’s joyful and triumphant.
Status: Rose

Jessica
Assistant Buyer
Why you remember her: Jessica…Jessica… Nope. I got nothing.
Status: No rose

Kim
Interior Designer
Why you remember her: She dropped the “F-bomb” on ABC. She declared to the world that she wanted the f-ing earrings that went along with the first impression rose. Now that’s classy.
Status: Rose

Laura
Dolphin Trainer
Why you remember her: Big dialogue among our Prince and Laura… “Is it Lauren? Or Laura? Laura? Lauren?”
Status: No rose

Lisa
Marketing Manager
Why you remember her: Oh come on! Like who wouldn’t give a first impression rose to a tree hugger? Lisa like has a plan. She has a plan for like her life and like there is no time to like waste. Focus and save the Earth people!
Status: Rose

Meri
Lawyer
Why you remember her: (crickets chirping)
Status: No rose

Rene
Broadcast Marketer
Why you remember her: Seriously. Who are these people?
Status: No rose

Rita
Policy Advisor
Why you remember her: Very bad fake tan
Status: No rose

Rosella
Makeup Artist
Why you remember her: Bless her heart. Had a dream to be Cinderella. Sold her car to buy fancy gowns for The Bachelor Rome. Practiced a wonderful opening line to say to our Prince…ASSUMING the dude knew Italian. It was wasted on deaf ears. She was one of my favorites and ABC tricked me into thinking she would get a rose. Nice editing my friends. You got me that time.
Status: No rose

Sadie
Publicist
Why you remember her: She wants to be a Princess. She is somewhat normal, but is in it for the title. She’s going to play hard my friends.
Status: Rose

Sarah
Journalist
Why you remember her: My girl busts out with the question that is very interesting: “Have you ever dated anyone of ethnic decent, eh?” Poor Other Bachelorette gets nervous and walks away from the daybed that has been strategically placed in the castle garden. (Seriously ABC intern…a daybed? Let’s be a little classier in our set decorations, shall we? Go buy some chase lounges or something. But a daybed? Seriously?)
Status: Rose

Tara
Realtor #3
Why you remember her: I remember her hair and how I wore mine like that for 3rd-grade picture day.
Status: No rose

Chris Harrison threw another log on the fire by adding a few hot local chicks to the party. It was a big deal. Human game of ping pong and everything. Very dramatic. You go Chris.

Italian Girl #1
Dancer
Why you remember her: You wondered where her pole was.
Status: No rose

Italian Girl #2
Student
Why you remember her: The classic line from our Prince that will go down in Bachelor history: “Do you shoot guns?”
Status: Rose

MOST DRAMATIC SUNRISE CEREMONY
On cue, the ABC intern hits his play of the sound effects CD in his boom box, and a rooster crows, signifying that the night is officially over and it is time for our Prince to make his decision. He must send half home.

It’s pretty obvious at this point why he is picked the girls he did. Anyone without 12-hour-old greasy hair, dark circles under her eyes, bad morning breathe or attached to an IV…was welcome to stay.

Our Prince toasts the lucky 12 and proclaims, “There’s no place like Rome.”

Vomit. The Roman themes are going to kill me. After watching the “up next” montage from Chris Harrison, my fears are correct. I spotted a chariot, stomping of grapes and a token toga complete with little backwards leaf headband thing.

Who am I kidding…fears? This is must see TV BABY!

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

Comments

113 Comments on "Prince Lorenzo: Episode 1"

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Sela
Sela

Fabulous! Haha!

Anonymous
Anonymous

Lincee! No comment on the Bachelor’s tearful confessions?? I thought that showed that this season was a must see.

Kelly in Houston
Kelly in Houston

Erica is AWFUL!!! She gives Houston a bad name.

Anonymous
Anonymous

Lincee– the best, non-shameful part about watching this show is reading your blog. You are wickedly funny and dead-on. Nice to ‘see’ you again on your site.
Grateful (and ashamed)in Boston,

Anonymous
Anonymous

Who’s gonan be the token “crazy” girl. I need a little Trish action this season…

Julie in Dallas
Julie in Dallas

I LOVE the Intern! Hilarious…your Dallas Fans are SO happy to have the recap once again…we watch the show BECAUSE of the Lincee recap!

flowermoundmutha
flowermoundmutha

my personal favorite highlight of the night was watching houston socialite’s mom spilling out of the top of her bedazzled dress as she ran around trying to act surprised. i’m lying around the house today in a blue dress just like it…….

yay italian drama
yay italian drama

Very, very good recap! Agreed, the Prince nonsense went way too far. And why didn’t Lorenzo learn Italian from his parents?!

Anonymous
Anonymous

LOL thanks for the laugh!

slc
slc

So glad you are back! Go Lincee!

Sarah in Marietta
Sarah in Marietta

Did anyone think drunky looked like Farrah Fawcett? Not good, Charlie’s Angels Farrah, but crack-pipe Farrah? Great to have you back, Lincee!

Anonymous
Anonymous

Lincee, you rock. You give me something to look forward to on Tuesday morning! I must say though, I am rooting for Sadie, such a doll. And saving herself for marriage, she will either win it all, or be picked on for being pure.

Anonymous
Anonymous

i’m so glad you mentioned how Rosella said she sold her car to come there…..she sold her car in the hour that they had to get ready to go? hmmm…i’m not buying it.

kinda wish she’d stayed so we could’ve caught her in the lie.

Erica is going to crack me up…i think she’s the psycho one that that they previewed. Some girl saying “that comment put me over the edge” you KNOW erica probably asked her to clean her room.

ooh…i just can’t wait.

Love it in Newport Beach
Love it in Newport Beach

Okay, can we just thank ABC for MAKING the prince take Erica…no, I’m kidding. That’s a joke, she is terrible…and I’m with you on Rosella. Can we start a “car fund”? Lastly, your comment ab the “Do you shoot guns” kills me! love it. Oh, and Desiree looks like Charlize Theron.

Tracy
Tracy

Yea! Our Lincee is back. Glad to see we’ve already had our first “Bless her heart” moment…but I guess that was inevitable, huh?

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