Railing at its finest
Hello lovely readers! Thanks for sticking with me as we slather on insane amounts of Germ Squirt in order to trudge through the debauchery known as The Bachelor Pad. It’s a little sad to think that we only have one more episode before this rocket ship reaches its destination. On the other hand, I’m a little impressed that we made it through five weeks without any noticeable rashes. Victory!
Before I get into the recap, I’m eager to announce that my new website will be up and running (fingers crossed) by the end of the month. This is something that I’ve been excited about launching for a while. Of course I will always have the Bachelor recap, but there will be other categories that you will hopefully enjoy getting lost in if you are bored one day.
For example: Cute Boys and Dr Pepper.
I know. Sounds amazing, doesn’t it? It’s simple really. Send me a picture of a cute boy drinking Dr Pepper and I’ll post it. Got a cute kid who loves Dr Pepper? Send it to me. Know a hot guy who drinks DP while he’s mowing the lawn? Send it to me. See a gorgeous stranger buying a case of Dr Pepper at the grocery store? Secretly take a picture with your phone and email me.
Yes you will get credit on my website. Yes Diet Dr Pepper counts. No, Dr Pepper is not paying me to do this. Yes we will make a 2012 calendar of the best photos. Yes I’m drinking a Dr Pepper now. Yes I’m working on getting Harrison to submit a photo. (Seriously…how cool would that be? We have to make that happen.)
It’s time to get creative and send me your pictures. I have a feeling this section will keep us busy during Bachelor hiatus until January. Who’s with me?!?
And if anyone knows Kiptyn, please have him send me a Dr Pepper picture. Preferably shirtless, because I’m forgetting what his abs look like since The Bachelor Pad refuses to display them in a proper manner.
I’m not bitter. Just disappointed. Let’s recap.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone on your Twitter account happens to personally know, sort of know, friends with the nephew/former classmate of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying New Moon on DVD or have a Jazzercize instructor that looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Depending on who is speaking to the camera, we begin with everyone feeling sort of bad but not really that Krisily or Krissy Lee has gone home. Crazy Dave admits that he told her she wasn’t on the chopping block and then gives a bug-eyed glance to Kip for shaking up the game plan and making him look like an untrustworthy liar. Kiptyn is too busy to notice because he is lost in Tenderella’s hair which smells like pine trees, peanut butter sandwiches and happiness. Some turn in for the night. Some pass out on the couches.
The next morning, Gwen ??? uses subliminal messaging to try and outwit, outplay and outlast the remaining contestants by bedazzling a huge rose across her huge rack. Nikki and her boobs roll her eyes, Tenley tells her the shirt is adorable and Natalie wonders if she has any leftover jewels so she can bedazzle something naughty for Crazy Dave.
Our Host Chris Harrison arrives on the scene looking absolutely adorable in a navy plaid shirt and khaki pants. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again and again…Harrison is darling. He gathers the contestants in the den, dials back the million dollar smile a bit, lowers his voice an octave or two and slowly transforms into the authoritative figure who demands respect from those sitting at his feet.
OHCH: “One of the first things I told you when you entered the Bachelor Pad was that the numbers between men and women would eventually even up. I don’t expect you to remember that because most of you were wasted, hooking up or busy feeding baby bunnies clover leaves from the patch behind the gazebo. The time has come to narrow the field. I’m sorry ladies, but three of you will be leaving this morning. I don’t think any of us will be surprised at who gets the boot. It will be particularly void of suspense since we continue to pull inspiration from the ‘Co-Ed Party Games for Junior High Kids’ book Fleiss ordered from Amazon.com. You thought Truth or Dare and Twister were bad…just wait.”
Tenderella chooses not to cry but does admit a panic attack is coming on. What’s Her Name carefully deduces that nearly almost half of their group will be going home and Natalie is ready to duke it out. This is survival of the fittest and she definitely has the fittest body in her opinion.
Elizabeth: “It would really suck to have to go home right now. Kovacs and I are really exploring what might be something really great if I decide it’s really great. And I know it would be totally awesome to have my roots done and spend a few hours in the tanning bed, but this is love. And maybe a quarter of a million dollars if he’s smart enough to not screw with me and my emotions. Game on.”
All the girls get in their cutest outfits to celebrate the biggest elimination in the history of The Bachelor. They all look a little psyched and annoyed to find that the competition is nothing more than pure dumb luck.
Natalie: “Spin the f-ing bottle? Are you kidding me?”
Gwen ???, Nikki and What’s Her Name’s thoughts exactly, Natalie.
Our Host lays it on really thick by reminding the girls that three will be going home and it’s up to the boys to decide. He is contractually obligated to mention that “relationships have never mattered more than they do right now.”
OHCH: “Forget the rules. Forget that this is supposed to be a competition. Forget playing the game. We are going to spin this bottle that has been bolted to a Lazy Susan. It will point to one of the boys and they will have to choose which girl they want to compete with as a COUPLE for the remainder of the show. But there’s a twist! The girl doesn’t have to accept your kiss. I know. The likelihood of that happening is like Tenley biting the head off of that random hawk over there, but humor me will you? I’ve got an 11:00 tee time with Snoop Dog at the Club. You’d think mute Melissa here would contribute something more than trying to rock the off-the-shoulder top. Did we not learn anything from Ali’s season? Intern! Vodka rocks. Make it a double.”
Gwen ??? is the only one who has any sort of remote touch with reality. She knows she is gone. Nikki and her boobs think they have a good chance being saved by Kiptyn since she saved him in week two. And What’s Her Name thinks she is strong and would be a good partner for any of the boys.
The boys line up and Melissa earns her mediocre salary by spinning the bottle. It lands on Kip’s abs and he pretends to have some sort of decision making angst before kissing Tenderella. Woodland creatures rejoice and break out into spontaneous song.
Lather, rinse, repeat with the remaining three guys.
Kovacs admits on national television that Elizabeth has a screw loose and is unstable. But he went with his emotion over strategy. Read: he thought with the little head instead of the big head. Sadly, Elizabeth correlates this to Kovacs passing her a note saying “will you go with me” and she is quick to check yes. They are finally a couple!
All the girls smile and wink at Jesse B. as he takes his time to pace back and forth in front of them. It reminded me of the time Robby asked Julia to pick the “coolest, nicest most un-losery guy” to dance with at that Jewish kid’s bar mitzvah on Wedding Singer. Nikki and her boobs, What’s Her Name and Gwen ??? were all smiling like Cheshire cats, winking and giggling in hopes that they would get the kiss. He chooses Peyton.
The losers are sent away in loser limos. Nikki adjusts her boobs and cries that she wasn’t a romantic interest for anyone. What’s Her Name grades some English exams and Gwen ??? promises that she will soon find love. Unless she dies and old maid first according to Elizabeth:
“It’s super sad that Gwen ??? didn’t find love. I mean that could be me! I could be in my 40s without love. A spinster. With cats as my best friends. Wearing bedazzled rose shirts. That would totally suck.”
Back inside, all the Plastics are happy that they can finally be couples out in the open. They hold hands and sit on each others’ laps, wondering what the next competition will be. Elizabeth wonders aloud if it will be “relationship trivia” with roses handed to all who can answer questions about their partner.
The lack of chattering, hair twirling and back rubbing proves that the other contestants think this might be worth exploring. They all scatter to strategize on their own.
Kovacs and Elizabeth huddle under a tree and rehash every memory they’ve ever shared with the other. Kovacs is confident. His memory is like a steel trap.
Kovacs: “Your favorite book? Cosmopolitan. Favorite movie? Dangerous Liaisons. Height? 5’7. Weight? 125. Preferred method of manipulation? Being a tease. Occupation? Nanny/Hooters waitress. Actual occupation? Kovacs ball buster. Original hair color? Dark brown…”
Elizabeth plays along, forgetting Kovacs’ alma mater, his middle name, his brother’s name and the pill she takes to help her remember things.
Kovacs is screwed.
Speaking of screwed, we find Jesse and Peyton are not participating in personal trivia because Jesse is too busy picking at an ingrown hair with a screw. He then places said screw, which he admits to finding on the floor “over there,” in his mouth. Finally, Jess teaches us how professionals peel their bananas. This segment would have been way more interesting had that actually been a sexual innuendo for something nasty instead of an actual lesson on the proper peeling of a banana. I’m just sayin’.
Kiptyn and Tenderella take a different approach. Assuming that the next challenge will inevitably be “Seven Minutes in Heaven” they practice making out for as long as they can without coming up for air. I actually prefer when Kip and Tenderella make out. There’s no baby talk. For example:
Ten: “It’s so awesome to be free to show affection to one another. I love kissing Kiptyn. Love Kiptyn. Kissing is fun. Kiptyn is fun. We are KipTen.”
I just threw up a little in my mouth.
WATER BALOON FIGHT!
It’s time for the competition. The girls are in never nudes and tank tops. Melissa is looking severe. Harrison is wearing a fabulous blue shirt that makes his eyes pop and a kickin’ yellow watch he scored from Snoop during a sweet bet on the 18th hole the day before.
OHCH: “Okay teams. This is not brain surgery. It’s a simple game of catch. Miss three and you are out. The couple who wins is safe and gets to go out on a date.”
The girls each grab a water balloon. I laugh because it looks like the ABC intern chose to fill condoms with water, but to his defense, I’m assuming there are plenty lying around the Bachelor Pad. Clearly this act of ingenuity saved him a trip to the Dollar Store. Gotta love that guy.
First round, the boys throw one at a time and all four girls catch. The boys take a step back. Jesse throws and Peyton drops the balloon. This happens three times and the under dog duo is out. Peyton walks off to cry. Jesse follows and pats her on the back, ensuring her that she dropped the condoms because of his bad throw.
Kiptyn and Tenley are out in the next round. Kovacs and Crazy Dave continue to move back with each successful catch. Just when the camera man is about to radio in a cherry picker so he can get a good shot of the entire Bachelor Pad driveway, Elizabeth begins dropping the condoms. I’m pretty sure one broke at impact of the hard surface of her infamous wonky boob job. Elizabeth begins spiraling down the road to insecurity and apologizes to Kovacs for messing things up.
It’s up to Natalie to win the game. In a hopeless attempt to control the bubbling rage, Dave yells out that all she has to do is catch one condom. Just one.
He throws. She drops. One camera guy, the ABC intern, Harrison’s body guard and the ABC Psychotherapist keep him from charging Natalie and kicking her in the throat. After agreeing that tranquilizers are not needed, he tosses again and Natalie catches the condom.
All the Plastics break out into cheers and high fives. Peyton and Jesse know that they have just booked their limo ride home.
Everyone adjourns inside to bask in the Plastic’s victory. They eagerly dig into the big basket of potatoes on the counter. Peyton stays outside to wallow and Jesse joins her.
Jesse: “Don’t be sorry. You are fine. It’s okay.”
Peyton: “I dropped all three balloons!”
Jess: “I had a bad throw. Don’t be upset. It was a team effort. We lose together. I wouldn’t trade you for anyone.”
Sweet Jesse. I can’t decide if he is really that nice or if he’s trying to get one last romp in the guest bedroom “fantasy suite.” I do like how he opened the door for her before they went back inside to eat twice baked potatoes. Gentlemen are always attractive.
“Spend the Night Together Under the Stars”
Crazy Dave and Natalie
When the doorbell rings, Gangster Dave and his sideways ball cap retrieve the date card. He leaves the podium.
Natalie: “It says that we get to spend the night together under the stars!”
Dave: “I don’t know what that means, but it surely will be fun.”
Tenderella: “What if you’re going on a rocket?”
Everyone gives Tenderella a token chuckle before Kiptyn sticks his tongue down her throat to shut her up. Elizabeth and Kovacs wander out the front door to practice relationship trivia and find a bright yellow Lamborghini sitting in the driveway. Like any curious person, they get in. Having taken her ginkgo biloba pill that morning, she remembers that Natalie and Crazy Dave have a date and this might be their mode of transportation. Sadly, it appeared that Kovacs had not made the connection before our shallow friend. Maybe these two really do deserve each other after all!
Elizabeth: “We could have had this if I knew how to catch.”
Kovacs: “You said that. I didn’t.”
Elizabeth: “We need to be the first to make out in this car.”
Kovacs: “Watch the stick.”
And they proceed to make out both in and on top of the car. For a long time. I made a sandwich and they were still channeling Tawny Kitaen. The wine maker insists that Elizabeth has caught a bad case of the Kovacs.
Should have asked for a box of water balloons dude.
They head back inside to find everyone sitting around waiting for something to happen. Kovacs announces that there is something outside waiting for them. Elizabeth interjects that it has been “broken in” for their pleasure.
Tenderella: “Is it a rocket ship?”
Seriously. What is up with the rocket ship? I know it’s easy for us to believe that she was, indeed, spawned from a Disney princess movie, but I’d love for her to join us in the real world. She’s exhausting.
Natalie, wearing a navy dinner napkin as a skirt, rushes out the front door with Dave, who is stoked he gets to drive the Lambo. Note to reader: only über cool people and Kevin Federline wannabes call a Lamborghini a “Lambo.”
You get that for free today at iHateGreenBeans.com.
Crazy Dave drives the Lambo like he stole it. Was it just me or did anyone else want him to say that it cornered like it was on rails? Whatever. They drive around and end up on a cliff. Instead of enjoying the romantic view, Crazy Dave insists that Natalie pose all over the car. With impressive yet creative angles, the camera man never once confirms that Natalie is sans underwear with bedazzled embellishments.
Thank you for that dear camera man.
Back at the mansion, Peyton shares with Jesse that Tenley is thinking that Kovacs and Elizabeth might be a threat. She and Kiptyn might want to break up the power couples. Jesse is reluctant to believe her. He runs off to find a screw or a banana…whichever comes first.
Natalie and Crazy Dave drive to the mansion that Jason and Molly fell in love before he left her at the Home Depot podium for Melissa, only to ask for her back on national TV six months later. It’s truly a magical place that can take this friendship to the next level.
The pair slam back sake and discuss what they will do with their winnings. Crazy Dave wants to open up a company doing what his father did. Natalie wants to pay off her college loans and send her parents on a trip. In a moment of rare weakness, Dave opens up and reveals that his parents divorced when he was nine and he never recovered. He became a “hellion” and got in trouble all the time. He admits that he was a Daddy’s boy. Natalie encourages him to call his Dad when they return. But he can’t. There’s been a fight and he threw a chair through a wall. They haven’t spoken since.
Dave chokes up. Natalie comforts him. I’m getting teary and actually FEELING things for Dave. It’s definitely time to move on. What if he starts talking about helping the homeless or inner-city kids who come from divorced homes like he did? C’MON! We need a new scene! Say something sarcastic or manipulative. Plot something. Get angry or mad Dave!
Enter the hot tub.
Ahh. It’s sanctuary for bachelors all over the world. Dave and Natalie make out. Kip and Tenley are making out at the other mansion. No we do not see Kip’s abs once. Again, another strongly worded letter has been sent to ABC executives. Never fear. I’m on this.
Tenderella: “I would love to continue romance outside of this house. Maybe in space? We could get there by Natalie and Dave’s rocket ship. This is turning into something special and unique. I want it to last.”
Kip: “I like how we can talk opening and honestly. For instance: I would suggest you re-think the size of your earrings. They are way too big.”
Tenderella: “But my friend Thumper made these from an Aspen tree leaf and gold he traded with one of the dwarfs. It would hurt his heart if I didn’t wear them in the hot tub.”
Kip: “Fair enough.”
Back at the hot tub where Jason promised to be with Molly forever before saying, “Just kidding!” at the final rose ceremony, Dave is talking strategy with Natalie. She wants to get rid of Kovacs. Dave refuses because he has made a pact with his bromance brother. Natalie is irritated because she did NOT make a pact with Kovacs and wonders if this will get in the way of them winning 250K.
Still hot and bothered from their romp on the Lambo, Elizabeth suggests that she and Kovacs sneak into the guest room fantasy suite. Everyone else has had fantasy dates and they deserve romance too. Luckily, we had subtitles to help us decipher this loving, passionate moment:
Kovacs: “What do you wan to do?”
Elizabeth: “I don’t know.”
Kovacs: “Do you want to get naked? If you do that’s cool.”
Elizabeth: “Well, it’s awesome if we are in love and we’re making love. But if it’s just railing, then no it’s not cool.”
Kovacs: “It’s not railing. Are we going to waste time and keep talking?”
Elizabeth: “I want romance. Where is it?”
He sticks his tongue down her throat. Very romantic.
Tenley is sent upstairs to see where Kovacs and Elizabeth have run off to.
Ten: “Well, I can’t see any signs of a rocket ship, but the lights are on up there and it smells really good. It’s as if little old lady fairies just pulled a big batch of cinnamon covered enchantment out of the oven.”
Jesse: “Dude. They are totally boning.”
Peyton: “Wait. Aren’t we supposed to say railing?”
Jesse: “What in the world is railing?”
Peyton: “According to the memo, ABC wants a Bachelor Pad catch phrase and have asked us to make railing happen.”
Jesse: “That’s totally lame.”
Peyton: “We get a hundred bucks every time we say it.”
Jesse: “I hear railing is fun. Wanna try it?”
Upstairs, the subtitles have gone into overdrive since Elizabeth is now regretting that she let the wine guy give her Kovacs.
Elizabeth: “I feel like a stupid girl. What am I doing? I don’t see you going out of your way to do romantic things for me or take advantage of romantic opportunities.”
Kovacs: “What did we just do tonight?”
Elizabeth: “You got railed. I should be worth putting up as big of a fight as put up for the money. If not more.”
Kovacs: “I care about you. You are pushing me away. You want to test me. Why are you ruining this opportunity?”
The next morning, Elizabeth asks if Kovacs is mad at her. He musters up his best fake smile and assures her that they are cool. He encourages her to take her ginkgo biloba, slips in a Prozac for good measure and waits for the pills to take affect. Before he can convince her to rail one more time, Dave and Natalie bust through the guest bedroom fantasy suite doors. Dave crawls into the bed with Kovacs and uses great will power to not lay between him and Elizabeth.
Clearly Dave has a bad case of the Kovacs too.
Later, the bromance brothers high five each other for playing the game so well, sticking to their plan of having no plan and generally being awe-inspiring to all who behold their presence. One day, they might be as cool as Harrison.
Natalie continues to try and convince Tenley that she needs to vote Kovacs and Elizabeth off the island. She suggests that she uses her feminine ways to sway Kip in the same direction.
She finds her beloved in the kitchen, chopping up one of her animal friends on a cutting board. The scene is too much for our princess. She goes outside to cuddle and nurture something with four legs or feathers.
David, wearing a tuxedo jacket, white t-shirt and blue jeans, sits with Natalie by the outdoor fire. He tries to not let her glittery teal eye shadow distract him from the task at hand, but it’s hard. He looks straight ahead and listens to her try and convince him that it’s better strategy to get rid of Kovacs and Elizabeth. He responds by saying, “I can’t send my boy home.”
Moments later, Our Host clinks his champagne flute which summons the contestants into the den. He has a look about him that says he is up to something.
We love that look.
OHCH: “It is time for another elimination. You competed as a couple. You were saved as a couple. You railed as a couple. But you aren’t going to be voting as a couple. Kovacs…please pick your jaw up off the floor and get in there to vote.”
Tenley and Natalie find a secret corner and pinky swear that they will vote off Kovacs and Elizabeth. They know that Peyton and Jesse will do the same. They only need one more vote. Jesse finds Kip and promises that he will keep him around the next week if he can. Kiptyn is once again left with the swing vote. Loyalty? Or strategy?
All the contestants head outside to the freshly washed driveway. Harrison looks like classic Harrison. Melissa looks like a mute Pocahontas. In a black satin pant suit.
With Natalie and Dave safe, the second couple to get roses are Tenderella and Kip. For one second, I thought we may have a REAL game on our hands, but Harrison was quick to shut that down by announcing Kovacs and Elizabeth were safe as well. He invites Jesse and Peyton to say their goodbyes. Peyton is speechless and Jesse tells us his partner is f-ing awesome. Somewhere at a hole-in-the-wall bar in Austin, Texas, Gia sits in disguise with a certain self-proclaimed singer/song writer and raises her glass of peach schnapps in salute to the adorable, tattoo-loving 20-something.
We learn that Natalie voted with Dave because she was afraid he would rip her head off and feed it to Tenley’s birds if he ever found out. Can’t say I blame her.
And then we had the “stay tuned for scenes from next week’s season finale.” It’s a Dancing with the Stars crossover everyone! Get excited! Although my beloved Maks won’t be teaching Tenley how to dance the dance in her heart, it appears that Crazy Dave will be wearing one of his sequined, plunging v-neck numbers while twirling Louis Van Amstel around the floor. Kip appears to have zero rhythm and Kovacs just might rail with Edyta. Score!
We also learn that the entire Bachelor Pad cast returns. I’m wondering if they are the ones who make the finale as shocking as Harrison claims it will be!
Until then, I’m all about the shame, not the fame,