Recap sponsored by: L’Oreal’s Mango Mango Polish
My original thought was to say the recap was brought to you by Jillian’s unwashed vegetables. But that was lame.
Then I thought about the recap being sponsored by Tanner’s junk.
When I threw up a little in my mouth, I decided against it.
MANGO, MANGO IT IS!!!
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Easter candy or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelors on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
I would LOVE for someone over at ABC to invite me to be in their planning meetings for next season’s Bachelor. Picture it:
Producer: “Well guys. It states specifically here in Jillian’s contract that we must go on dates in Canada to promote the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver. What are we going to do?”
Jillian’s Lawyer: “Don’t even think about going anywhere near the border. I’m watching you people. It’s all aboot Canada, eh?”
Executive Producer: “Got it. Geez. We’ve done everything there is to do in cold weather. We’ve been on snow mobiles. We’ve been curling. What is left?”
ABC Intern: “Hot tub. No need to go outside.”
Producer: “No one gave you permission to speak intern.”
ABC Makeup Artist: “Wait. He has a point. I mean, have you seen Kiptynite’s abs? Seriously. WHERE ARE THE HOT TUB SCENES?”
ABC Intern: “Thanks Michelle.”
ABC Makeup Artist: “Easy intern. I’m in this for me. I’d like to see Jake shirtless too.”
Executive Producer: “FOCUS! FOCUS PEOPLE! We need to come up with three dates. Think…what do Canadians do for fun besides play in the snow?”
Producer: “There’s an idea. We could have them play in the snow.”
ABC intern: “Like Marco Polo?”
Producer: “I was thinking more of hide-and-seek.”
ABC intern: “Do I have to go buy them all white outfits so they blend in with the snow? Because that sounds a little extreme to me. I’m telling you. Hot tubs. When in doubt…shove them in a hot tub. I can get some baby oil and…
Executive Producer: “SILENCE INTERN! Hide-and-seek it is. One down, two to go.”
Jillian’s Lawyer: “I think a trip to Lake Ogopogo is just the ticket.”
Executive Producer: “We did that last year when she brought Jason home. We don’t like to repeat.”
Jillian’s Lawyer: “Fine. I think snow shoes are fun. And snow boarding.”
Producer: “Because THAT’S not at all like riding a snow mobile. Don’t you people have an amusement park or something?”
Jillian’s Lawyer: “Have you ever done a show on a train?”
The group looks at each other and a slow smile spreads across the executive producers face.
Executive Producer: “What did you have in mind, Jillian’s Lawyer?”
Jillian’s Lawyer: “The Rocky Mountaineer is a train that takes you all through Alberta. This will make all Canadian parties involved extremely happy to show America what a great country we are and that the stigma of red-headed step child to the north is silly and it’s time for a change. What do you say?”
And there you have it. Too bad nobody thought that Jillian was going to ditch ROBBY D!!! in the Canadian wilderness and leave him to catch a ride on an elk back to civilization, but that’s a problem for the intern to worry about. Am I right?
Jillian greets our eight remaining Bachelors at the red carpet entrance of the Rocky Mountaineer. “ALL ABOARD” she screams, and the guys single file into the locomotive.
A pimped out locomotive! Wow! Jillian’s Lawyer sure knows how to get us excited about trains! The scenery, the dining car, the observation car, the champagne, the…
Disney World Monorail Guy?
Huh. I guess that was part of the deal too. The group has to fight over normal getting-to-know-you conversation as Disney World Monorail Guy tells them that they are approaching a famous lake in 600 feet and if they look to the right, they will see a famous mountain. And after his spiel, he repeats everything in French. Because it’s Canada and that’s how they roll, eh?
Jillian is contractually obligated to say that she misses Ed and wants someone to cheer her up…someone who is not so serious. All of our minds go to Michael, but she chooses ROBBY D!!! as her first one-on-one date. Unfortunately, ROBBY D!!! gets duped and is forced to have his “date” in the caboose of the train.
ROBBY D!!! admits that he is really, really, really nervous and borrows Jesse’s fedora to calm himself down. He tells the camera that he has the “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can” attitude and it is at this point that little red flags start going off for me and ROBBY D!!!
Why so nervous ROBBY D!!!??? Let’s get some confidence and show this chick what you are all about. Where do you feel most comfortable? Let’s start there.
ROBBY D!!! listens to me and decides to man the bar and create Jillian something refreshing and not too sweet. He hands her a pink grapefruit martini, straight up compliments himself for being the best mixologist EVER and starts to feel the confidence swell. Now it’s time to wow her with bar tricks. Sadly, since he is in the tail end of a moving train, his normal Cocktail maneuvers are not working. Damn you centrifugal force!
Cups are flying left and right, bottles are crashing to the floor, cherries are landing nowhere near extended toothpicks. ROBBY D!!! begins to look very nervous.
Jillian senses that ROBBY D!!! needs a change of scenery. They go outside on the “back porch” of the train and begin talking. Or trying to talk. Jillian can’t hear a word ROBBY D!!! is saying because of the wind. ROBBY D!!! can’t see Jillian’s face because her hair is flapping everywhere. Both have pink grapefruit martini juice dripping down their fingers because of the turbulence. Then they are sucked into a pitch black tunnel in which I’m pretty confident ROBBY D!!! did not go for the kiss.
Jillian decides that the “back porch” idea was not her best and suggests they move inside for lunch.
Bless her heart. She was rockin’ a pretty serious wind blown look. Luckily, the ABC makeup artist Michelle was there to run a comb through that hot mess.
Jill and ROBBY D!!! talk about the possibility of her meeting his family.
Jillian: “So will your parents like me?”
ROBBY D!!!: “Obviously. My Dad couldn’t be happier.”
Jillian: “And why is that?”
ROBBY D!!!: “Because everyone in my family thinks that I’m going to get married first. I’m the youngest of four.”
Jillian: “Huh. And none of you are married?”
ROBBY D!!!: “Nope. It’s because of the Descant Curse.”
Lincee: “Oh ROBBY D!!! Reel it back. REEL IT BACK!”
Jillian: “Is there a salve you can put on it or some other medication?”
ROBBY D!!! goes on to dig his own grave a little deeper. He talks about how he’s ready to be married…which he follows up with the fact that he’s between jobs.
Later Jillian tells the camera that she thinks ROBBY D!!! is super cool. You know, for someone you want to take to Fire Dance. But if you want a ring by spring, he is not your guy.
Jillian: “I’m not sure he knows where he’s going to live and how he’s going to pay for things. That’s an important quality for me to have in a relationship.”
They go downstairs to Jillian’s room. ROBBY D!!! continues, CONTINUES to tell Jillian that he is very nervous. Then he starts laughing nervously. I’m pretty sure he’s stoked about the possibility of getting to second base and he wishes he knew mental telepathy with Michael so he could tell him and then get a mental telepathy hive five back.
Jillian: “What makes you so nervous?”
ROBBY D!!!: “You do!”
Jillian: “Don’t be silly. Hey…will your parents like me?”
ROBBY D!!!: “I don’t know. I wish I had a bigger vocabulary to tell you how I feel.”
Lincee: “He did not just say that.”
Jillian: “Maybe you should start a bartending school.”
ROBBY D!!!: “Too much work. I’m pretty cool right now living with my parents. I can stay out as late as I want you know. Hey…why are we slowing down?”
Jillian pretends she didn’t hear the question and acts oblivious to the fact that the Rocky Mountaineer has almost stopped in its tracks.
Jillian: “Look ROBBY D!!! I think you are a great person. I think you are ready to fall in love, but not the responsibility that goes with it.”
Disney World Monorail Guy: “Please stand clear of the doors.”
ROBBY D!!!: “Please Jillian. Let me flip a bottle for you now that we have stopped. Want to see me set the bar on fire? Like they did in Coyote Ugly? I know it’s your favorite movie. I have Devil Went Down to Georgia on my iPod…”
Disney World Monorail Guy: “L’éventaire libre de la porte.”
Jillian: “You are totally someone I can be friends with.”
Jillian: “Are you someone I would marry? Maybe if you were 10 years older.”
Lincee: That’s going to hurt in the morning.
Back in the dining car, a Rocky Mountaineersman takes ROBBY D!!!’s bags and tosses them out the door. The other Bachelors have their noses pressed to the glass wondering what is going on.
I feel sorry that ROBBY D!!! had to stand sadly in the middle of the train tracks as Jillian waves a tearful goodbye, but you have to admit…that was a little bit awesome.
The boys are doing sign language back and forth, wondering why in the world ROBBY D!!! is not back on the train. He gives a salute, a standard “you’re my boy” sign to Michael and chuckles as the ABC intern hands him his stick with the bandana on the end.
Poor Michael cries because he didn’t get to say goodbye to his friend. It’s like school is over and summer has begun and they have to go home and work in their Dad’s firm until August. But next year is Senior year and they will rule the Sigma Chi house! HEY OHHHH!
Next, Wes tells the camera that he is a man on a mission and that he has an agenda.
FINALLY! I guess it’s best to play the villain. He knows his music is less than mediocre, so he might as well get while the getting is good. Any publicity at this point (even if it is bad) is good publicity in his mind.
In true Wes form, he finds Jillian in her bedroom car and snuggles up next to her, knowing that she would be vulnerable after sending ROBBY D!!! out into the wilderness with nothing but a pocket knife and snake bite kit.
Wes: “Hey Slim. Are you okay?”
Jilly: “It’s hard letting people go, you know? I figure there would be more jerks.”
Lincee: Bless your blind little heart.
Wes: “I just want more time with you. I was thinking about getting your name tattooed right here on my arm. Under “Jennifer” but before “Ashley.” How do you feel about that?”
Jilly: “Oh Wes. You make me so happy. I feel safe with you.”
Wes later tells us that he has an agenda and that Jillian is wrapped around his finger. Believe it.
Disney World Monorail Guy lets us know that we are approaching Emerald Lake. Jillian lets us know that we are going snow shoeing.
Fetish spies a pair of red snow shoes that match Jillian’s sweater perfectly. He grabs them and then offers to help her wiggle in the contraption. He grabs some snow and pats it on his forehead to cool himself off. Being that close to her feet is electric!
The rest of the date was about as boring as snow shoeing can be. They walk, fall, walk, fall and then play hide-and-seek. Jake finds Jillian and pretends to lose his footing and falls on her. Because let’s face it…Jake is perfect and would never trip. Well played my friend.
Back at the lodge, Jake begins to get nervous that he hasn’t had any one-on-one time since their first date. He grabs Jillian and they go outside to sit by the fire.
Jillian: “Jake…if I didn’t care aboot you, I would let you go.”
Jake: “You are like my Mama. So nurturing and genuine.”
Jillian: “Do you think your parents would like me?”
Jake: “Oh Jillian. Definitely. You are a classy, classy lady.”
Meanwhile, Michael hypes all the guys up and encourages them to break up the Jillian/Jake time outside. Just as Jake is about to tell Jillian something important, the others come out and bust up the party.
Michael is lost in his moment of triumph by doing a celebratory robot when Kiptynite steals Jillian away back inside. They share a seat that was clearly made for one person.
Kiptynite: “You know the saying that people always want what they don’t have?”
Jilly: “If it’s not Canadian, then I don’t know it.”
Kiptynite: “Well, that’s not me. I always get what I want. But it’s hard for me to be myself around other guys. I’m glad for times like this.”
Jilly: “And I’m glad for times like this. Wanna make out?”
The ABC camera guy gets a close up shot of Kiptynite grabbing Jillian’s butt and they make out with her legs practically straddling Kip’s waist.
Jillian tells the camera that when they are together, their bodies just get closer and it is hard for her to leave him.
Back at the lodge fire place, Michael asks Jillian what she wears in her sleep. Jillian says that she wears a tank top and underwear. If she’s been drinking…just underwear.
Six guys lean forward to refresh her drink.
Michael admits that he prefers sleeping in the nude. He has even gone as far as to hiding clothes under the covers so that no one will know.
Jillian boldly asks Fetish what he sleeps in, if anything.
Fetish: “Well…I can show you.”
And then he proceeds to drop is drawers and show off his tighty whities. And junk. Right there for all of us to see. Tighty whities and JUNK! Then he turns around. And back again. Oh look! There’s the junk! Then he pulls up his shirt and shows off some not-so-horrible abs. But still. The junk is so in your face, it’s unbelievable.
My head starts twitching and the word PINEAPPLE comes to mind.
Jillian: “I’m not ready to see Tanner’s package. Although it was huge, I don’t need to see it. He needed to pull his pants up.”
Later, Fetish takes Jillian away to a secondary fire place setting.
Fetish: “Can I rub your feet?”
I’m not quite sure what their conversation was about, because I was more intrigued by the tiny little tube of lotion that Fetish was using to rub Jillian’s feet. As many of you probably wondered, where did it come from?
Did he make the intern run to his room and grab the complimentary bottle of Crabtree and Evelyn?
No, no. My guess is that home boy carries the lotion in his pocket for such an occasion. It’s nice and compact…just perfect for whipping out in a foot fetish emergency.
Jillian is blabbing on about feelings and connections. Fetish interrupts her and says that her feet are so soft. He encourages her to come to Dallas for hometown dates and promises a super seductive pedicure, complete with Mango, Mango nail polish.
Fetish: “Now that I’ve felt how soft her feet are, I want her feet in my family.”
Preach on Fetish!
Jesse pulls Jillian’s feet away from Fetish and escorts her to fire place setting number three. He is concerned that he does not know how to court Jillian because there are six other guys there vying for attention. He tells her that if he gets a hometown date, she’ll see a Jesse she’s never seen before.
Jillian: “Are you talking about your package? Because I don’t know if I’m ready for that.”
Jesse: “No. I’m talking about Wine Guy Jesse. He’s awesome.”
Jillian: “Will your parents like me?”
Jesse: “I’m 100% sure. There is no doubt.”
This is good enough for Jillian, so they hold hands and make out. Call me crazy, but Jesse is looking pretty good to me!
Michael finally lands some one-on-one time with Jillian and chooses to eat s’mores with her. He laments that he is head over heels in love and that his parents, brothers and dog would disown him if they didn’t get married.
Flattery will get you everywhere Mikey!
Back at fire place setting number one, Fetish comes clean with the boys and confesses that he is the one who let Jillian know that someone had a girl friend. He assures that he didn’t throw anyone under the bus. Wes assures Fetish that he hates tattletales and goes off to write the second hit song off of his new album that debuts soon at a Wal-Mart near you. Look for “Tales from a Tattle” next week on iTunes.
Wes: “I’ve already made six tracks and America heard my song to Jillian. I’ve had the publicity on TV, so I can leave. Or I can stay and get the girl.”
Classy Wes. The girls are going to fall all over themselves to get to you!
Finally, we get a shot of the boys walking to the hot tub. She gives the rose to Kiptynite’s abs.
Jake is disappointed that he was too scared to tell Jillian his true feelings. He asks permission to approach her bedroom car and proceeds to lay his heart out in a mixture of a polished smile and nervous giggles. He tells Jillian that he is crazy about her. When he loves…he loves HARD.
Then he goes in for the kiss and a hug. The ABC camera guy zooms in on Jilly’s eyes and we see it. Nothing. No spark. Jakey is going home.
Second One-On-One Date
Poor Reid had to stay in the Rocky Mountaineer the entire time the other boys were on their group date. To make use of this time, he goes around and asks the Rocky Mountaineer cook if he should wear glasses on the date or not. The Rocky Mountaineer butler encourages him to tell her how he feels.
I thought this was adorable for some reason. A-dor-a-ble.
Disney World Monorail Guy lets us know that we are approaching Kicking Horse Pass and Lake Louise. Jillian lets us know that from the moment she met Reid, she had instant chemistry. She wants to know if they have anything in common.
First, she wants to know if he can take direction and if he’s adventurous. She wants to snow board and knows that Reid is a great skier. She is ecstatic to learn that he wants her to teach him how to snow board. He’s falling everywhere and getting annoyed, but she loves it.
Then she takes him to the White Witch’s castle from Narnia. Everything, including the beer mugs, is made from ice.
My hat’s off to you ABC intern. You went above and beyond my friend.
Jillian wraps her legs around her man, as she likes to do, and tells him that his ears are red. Then they have a conversation about how that means you either have high blood pressure, or you are horny. Reid admits that he has high blood pressure.
And I love that.
Back inside, Reid and Jillian sit down on the floor to eat fondue. Poor Reid is a bit on the freaked out side and I feel sorry for him.
If I was in this situation and someone put fried chicken in front of me…or boiled shrimp…I would be having problems my friend. No bones or crustaceous animals for me thankyouverymuch.
Reid admits that boiling raw meat over and over and over again in a fondue pot freaks him out a little bit. Then he jokingly says that Jillian probably doesn’t wash her veggies before eating and she admits that she does not.
Jillian thinks Reid’s annoying little neurotics are charming and she’s so excited that he is being REAL in front of her. She wants to know more.
Jillian: “What kind of girl does Reid like?”
Reid: “Well, Reid needs a girl that doesn’t talk in third person for one. Second, I need someone who is independent and gets along with my friends.”
Jillian: “Where would we live?”
Reid: “What do you mean?
Jillian: “Well…I live in the sticks. You live in Philly.”
Reid: “You work it out. It just happens. If it doesn’t, then it doesn’t.”
Jillian deduces that this means Reid and Jillian figure it out once they are a team. She loves this plan. She flings her leg over his legs and assumes the make out position after giving him the rose.
Our Host Chris Harrison greets the group as they leave the Rocky Mountaineer. He escorts Jillian to the hotel lobby where they discuss the pending rose ceremony.
OHCH: “What is up with Wes? Jilly, Jilly, Jilly…as your mentor, I beg you to open your eyes girl.”
Jilly: “Wes is a southern man and knows what women want.”
OHCH: “Exactly! Finally…some sense is coming out of that mouth.”
Jilly: “We have a special bond. Neither of us have a filter and I love that about him.”
OHCH: “Annnnd we’re back here again. He’s a musician. Doesn’t that worry you?”
Jilly: “At first, he wanted exposure. But he doesn’t know how to lie. He cares for me.”
OHCH: “Intern! Can you get me a Crown and Coke? Thanks. What about Jake?”
Jilly: “He’s perfect. I just wish he was more confident.”
OHCH: “Cut the cord girl. We already have him lined up to be the next Bachelor. I’m receiving texts as we speak. How about that foot fetish guy? Wack-a-do.”
Jilly: “Totally. But my feet have never smelled or felt better. Smell.”
OHCH: “No thanks. And my boy Mikey. You gave ROBYY D!!! the old heave ho because he was only 25. Are you aware that Mikey is 25 too?”
Jilly: “But he liiiiiiiiiiikes meeeeeeeeeee! He said I was pretty once.”
OHCH: “And Crazy Dave said you had a great butt in your Spandex. So what?”
Jilly: “Do you want Jake as the next Bachelor or what?”
Jillian gets dressed up and heads into the hotel ballroom. She’s fidgety and decides to ask Michael one more time if he is ready to have her babies. He says that all he’s ever wanted to be is a young Dad and the only person missing is the forever person in his life.
Roses go to:
Poor Fetish asks Jillian to remove her shoes so he can get a picture with her wicked feet. He pulls out his bottle of Mango, Mango nail polish and starts stiffing. The ABC Psychotherapist is called.
Jake is fighting an emotional breakdown and asks Jillian what went wrong. She says that it just wasn’t right. Jake says that he’s seen this SO MANY TIMES and that if she chooses Wes, she will get her heart broken.
Jake: “Nice guys finish last. Story of my life. I was right there. If she wanted me she could have had me.”
Just when I think Jake is going to be fine and basking in the glory of being ABC’s next Bachelor, we see scenes from upcoming episodes.
Kiptynite’s parents have caution tape around the hot tub. Hilarious!
Wes wants Jillian to meet his band. Of course.
And Jake comes back in his pilot uniform to reveal Wes’ true colors.
Awwwww Jake! Why’d you have to go and do that! Fly off into the sunset and wait for the offers to come pouring in my friend.
We also learn that there will be an addition to next week’s rose ceremony. Oh!
So what do you guys think? Is Wes going home next week? Is Jake going to be at the ceremony? Or will it be Ed? Speaking of Ed, sounds like Hare was downplaying erectile dysfunction this week. Are we believing it?
All about the shame, not the fame,