Remembering Arie Luyendyk
When Arie Luyendyk Jr. raced onto the scene during Emily Maynard’s season back in 2012, I was immediately a fan. I was completely blindsided when our bachelorette chose One F Jef to be her forever beau (read: 86 days) instead of the stud she couldn’t keep her hands off, or her tongue off, for the last eight weeks.
Although I have no idea what Arie is doing now, or what his dating history has been for the last five years, I choose to not pull at that particular string in lieu of saluting his presence in the Hall of Fame I strategically placed him in so many years ago. In my mind, he’s always partying with Harrison and Roberto and filming YouTube videos on how to properly kiss a woman.
Side note: I actually researched how many times I’ve mentioned Arie Luyendyk since his season in 2012. I’m happy to report that his name has graced my website sixteen times. I have also included this particular clip (seven times total) for your viewing pleasure. Hop on over to the one minute mark and thank me later.
Let the record show that Lincee Ray is P-U-M-P-E-D for this season. Emily’s loss is our gain. I can’t wait to see how the 36-year-old reacts to the teeny boppers they will inevitably pair him with during his stint on the show.
For those of you who have no idea who this Arie is and are still wondering why some of Bachelor Nation is fist pumping, “YES! YES! YES!”, I took the liberty of pulling some of my favorite moments from Arie’s season from old recaps.
This is why I have a countdown made of Post-Its next to my computer. January 1 can’t come fast enough. Enjoy!
Race Car Driver
The Netherlands and/or Arizona
Why you remember him:
Arie owned his skinny tie, marched right up to Emily, told her that he was a race car driver and gave her every opportunity to cry about it on his shoulder. Fortunately for Arie, she affirmed that he was probably hot in a race car and flashed a winning smile before pouring him a glass of celebratory milk for being so awesome.
Second One-On-One Date
Love is a Wild Ride”
Another pair of tiny denim shorts and striped shirt is paired with very tall knee boots. Clearly this is the perfect outfit to traipse around Dollywood with her favorite beau Arie, who is somehow wearing a black shirt and grey jeans. (Groban = 2, Lincee = 0)
Arie calls Dollywood “cute” to Emily’s “happiest place on earth.” They ride roller coasters, dance along with a banjo, toss a few rings and win Little Ricki a stuffed animal. They are forced into a concert hall to write a love song (gag me) when the curtains open and Dolly Parton stands before a shocked Emily and confused Arie.
Just as he’s about to ask, “Who is that lady with all the plastic surgery, obvious wig, boobs resting on her guitar and bedazzled henna and why are your crying?” Emily squeezes his hand, uttering, “I could die. I could die. Dolly Parton. I could die. It’s Dolly-Friggin’-Parton.”
Wishing he had access to a smart phone with a Google app, Arie quickly realizes that he is standing before THE Dolly who is THE Dolly behind DOLLYwood. He tries to quickly recover with a dropped jaw of his own.
Arie: “I couldn’t believe Dolly Pardon was right in front of us. Emily was so excited and it was amazing to see her stand there in awe. Dolly Pardon!”
Lincee: “It’s Parton, Formula 1 boy. Now put your arm around her and sway you fool.”
Dolly sings a song she wrote five minutes ago (so talented) and then sends Arie to fetch her a funnel cake. She and Emily have a heart-to-heart and it was obvious that Emily is freaking out about crossing off an item on her bucket list. Arie comes back, Dolly sings again and they dance back and forth eighth-grade style. Even though in three weeks we’ve witnessed Emily sway back and forth two feet away in the straight out arms of three different men, I’m going to choose to be in the moment, wishing I could have switched places with Emily for this portion of the date. Dolly Parton at Dollywood? So cool.
At dinner, Emily asks about Arie’s relationship with the Mom of two kids. He goes into great detail about how they lived together and his responsibilities as a father figure to the kids. But she didn’t want any more children and that was a bit of a deal breaker for him. He switched topics and asked if his career as a driver and the busy schedule that accompanies it would hinder a relationship with her. She admits that she would be okay with it and would embrace the time she spent alone when he was away.
She messes with him for a few minutes, pretending that she’s not going to give him the date rose, before giving him the date rose. He kisses her cheek and then they walk the familiar path toward the carrousel. Just when I’m writing in my notes, “weird purple animal print dress + black blazer = something about Bon Jovi groupie on the Slippery When Wet Tour” I notice that Arie is leading her to a bench on the carrousel. You can’t very well make out on two horses bobbing up and down in opposite directions can you? They sit side-by-side and he smoothly moves in for the kill.
Solid lead in. Nice head tilt. Great form. I give it a well deserved 10 and for the second time I wished I could trade places with Emily.
Emily: “Where did you come from?”
Lincee: “According to his bio, the Netherlands, but I’m equally confused by the identifier under his name and age that reads Scottsdale. The real question should be why do you care at this exact moment in time? Stop asking silly questions and keep kissing him Emily. Geez.”
Emily storms into the house and is immediately handed an appletini. Sean senses that Chilean Andro has shared too much. Ryan smiles and Kalon regrets that he didn’t get to share his deep conditioning luxury hair treatment before the gypsy left in the night. Arie wisely pulls Emily to a secluded part of the mansion, puts a comforting, yet protecting arm around her shoulders and genuinely seems concerned for her well-being. He gives her sweet little kisses over and over and over again, making sure she’s fit to face the other idiots.
Arie later pulls her away outside where a red, fuzzy blanket is placed over her black leather jacket with the hope that the bronchitis will not transition into full blown walking pneumonia. Her teeth chatter as he explains that he was super nervous to act in front of an audience, but he got through it knowing that he could make her laugh. She begins to shake violently and crawls under the blanket to share his body heat. And his tongue.
Next week, Emily takes the boys to Croatia. If Arie doesn’t come down with a sever case of laryngitis, he has an immunity system that should be studied at universities.
Arie is on fire this week. After being scolded for not having Emily’s back in London, he decides to have her back against a wall on a secluded cobblestone street and makes out with her during the group date. She and every other woman watching appreciated the romantic gesture.
Well played Arie. Well played. You can back me up against a wall anytime…wait, what? Where was I?
Taking advantage of Little Ricki being halfway across the world, Arie wisely decides to “find” Emily after her date with Ryan so he can console and applaud her for giving him the boot. Producers encourage her to remain in her trophy dress as the ABC make-up artist touches up her rouge and mascara. Arie arrives and Emily escorts him to the living room where he commends her for being such a great judge of character. He admits that he would have told her about Ryan’s tendency to be a bit on the egotistical side, even if she had given him a rose. We miss the transition from the living room to the bedroom and find Arie all snuggled under a million blankets and Emily still in what has to be the most binding dress known to man.
Not thinking, Emily confesses that he is going to love where they are going next week and Arie sheepishly asks, “So I’m getting a rose tomorrow?” She quickly hands him Ryan’s rose and insists that he not tell anyone that she gave it to him. “Now you’ll have two!” she giggles. Then they make out.
Let’s get a spoiler alert next time, shall we?
FIRST ONE-ON-ONE DATE
“Let’s Czech Out Prague Together”
Y’all, this is so weird, but I totally wore my gold sequined boy shorts with a white blazer when I toured Prague too! What are the odds? I have to say that for Emily, it seems like an unnatural choice for someone who lives her life with a perpetual chill, but who am I to judge? Sometimes, we just have to make sacrifices for fashion. Except when those fashion choices are selected from the Build-A-Bear website. I’m looking at you Ashley.
The date begins with Emily picking Arie up from the hotel. Sean throws fetching “come hither” glances her way, One F smiles and adjusts his knee socks, Wolf appears bored and the ABC Psychotherapist considers upping the dosage of Contestant Chris’ meds. I loved that the camera shows her carrying Frommer’s Guide to Prague book.
Emily explains that she wants this date to be normal. Just her and her husband, wandering around on vacation doing Praguey things together, like sipping hot wine, stopping traffic to kiss in the middle of the street, reciting fun facts about the Charles Bridge and sending subliminal messages about the importance of loyalty and having a trustworthy partner.
Emily: “I know something that Arie isn’t telling that someone told me. She knows I know. But he doesn’t know she knows I know he knows, you know?”
Clearly, this is a job for Harrison.
The intriguing architecture and charming shops of Prague slowly morph into Our Host standing in the freshly sprayed driveway of the gleaming Bachelor franchise mansion which recently experienced a complete once-over with Lysol and hand sanitizer in preparation for the new season of Bachelor Pad. Harrison introduces himself and puts on his stern face.
Hold on people. This must be SERIOUS.
OHCH: “I’d like to take this time to talk to you about something you may have heard or read about…Aries past with one of our producers named Cassie. We taped a segment where Cassie interviews Emily about the situation and because there are no rules in The Bachelorette, we’ll play that for you now. Take that Reality Steve. You’re welcome rest of the world.”
The scene switches to a b-roll package of the infamous Cassie placing a microphone on Emily and then interviewing her about how her dating Arie once upon a time was so not a big deal.
Emily: “If he’s hiding that, what else is he hiding?”
Cass: “It’s not like he’s hiding it. It never came up. It was sooo long ago. Like 10 years.”
Emily: “Well then, he should have said, ‘Hey…the girl you hang out with all the time? I used to date her. Isn’t that weird?’ And I would have said, ‘Cool.’ This isn’t a production thing for the show. This is real life.”
The scene switches again to Arie’s one-on-one date. They are on the Charles Bridge and Emily makes him rub a dog that is displayed on one of the statues because it represents loyalty. “You should do it twice. Loyalty is a big thing for me.”
They stop to eat lunch at an outdoor café. Emily insists on badgering Arie with persistent conversation about trustworthiness, loyalty and honesty.
Arie grasps at straws and finally succumbs to the conclusion that Emily is fishing for him to reveal a super huge secret. He chooses at that moment to share the one thing that he’s kept hidden from her since they met.
Arie: “I’d like to be totally honest with you right now.”
Arie: “I have a huge tattoo of a wing going down my arm. The truth is, I’m not an Aerosmith fan. The wing covers up the name of a girl I once dated. The one with two kids.”
Harrison leads us to believe that Arie’s choice to exclude significant information about his love affair will forever place a seed of doubt in Emily’s heart. BRING IT ON! Unleash the West Virginia, backwoods, hood rat on his a$$!
That was so…not the case.
After a few segments of building drama, Emily has an off-screen conversation with both Cassie and Arie and all is forgiven. We find the pair snogging on top of a boat as victory fireworks blast overhead. Emily slides into baby talk, blinks her eyes shares that she’s already planning her outfit for when she meets his family. He responds by telling her that he loves her. Somewhere in Bachelor Nation, Roz is calling her lawyer and demanding an apology and some sort of monetary compensation.
Knowing that Emily is completely smitten by a man in a fast car, Arie takes a few spins around the track before inviting her to join him in the Formula 1. They separately comment on each other’s hotness (in Emily’s case, it was “stupid hotness”). She becomes all hot and bothered, so they do what they do best … make out between talking about important facts and details of their lives.
We learn that Arie’s parents are “sooo European” and will probably need convincing that this relationship is legitimate. They prepare for the night’s festivities by drowning a bottle of wine before heading to the house, but never fear. Emily passes with flying colors until everyone begins speaking Dutch around her. I’m quite confident the twin brothers were discussing how one may have grazed a boob when he hugged Emily, but we’ll never know since Arie made it a rule that everyone had to speak English for the remainder of the evening.
Arie’s mom Mieke takes Emily to sit on the master bedroom for some one-on-one time. She admits that she watched Emily’s season and she wonders what exactly when wrong with Brad? Emily gives her canned answer of “I didn’t ask enough questions” before turning the conversation back to Arie…with his busy schedule, is he ready to commit?
Mieke: “I’ve been doing this for 31 years. Anyone can do it. I’m excited for you both. You will make me absolutely beautiful grandchildren.”
Arie, Sr. has a similar compliment: “I like her Southern accent. I hope you make it to the end.”
Arie, Jr.: “Me too. I’m definitely ready to propose to Emily.”
In the following scene, Emily and Arie are making out like high school kids on the front lawn with two minutes left until curfew. Since the entire date clocked around ten minutes of air time, I assume the family dynamic was positive enough for Emily to imagine herself mugging down in Scottsdale, Arizona on a more permanent basis.
Talking is for amateurs. Why have a conversation about the future when you can make out all day long on a boat? Or while swimming with dolphins? Perhaps as you walk along the beach? Or back on the boat again? According to Emily, it’s THAT good. Sure the crafty editing would have viewers believe that she’s looking for more in a potential husband and father than minty fresh breath and a talented tongue, but when it comes to the hot race car driver’s make out skills compared to the non-emotional live Ken doll … hot will always trump plastic.
I couldn’t help but notice the vast difference between Emily’s date with Sean and the current soft core porn I was witnessing. She seemed to pull away from Sean in the swimming pool and like I mentioned a thousand times before, she only went in for the kiss with her lips puckered. I wouldn’t think anything of it if I didn’t have such a confident grasp on her making out technique from the countless hours we’ve been subjected to while watching her and Arie kiss around the entire globe. When they finally had a conversation at dinner, Arie said all the right things about how he loved her, how he knew from the beginning that she was the one and how he wanted to build a relationship with Ricki based on trust.
Three sentences. Then they started making out. Again.
In the end, Emily didn’t trust herself enough to even go in the vicinity of the fantasy suite with Arie. The invitation remained tucked under her dinner plate. It’s a shame all those rose petals on the bed were wasted.
Emily arrives in the flower garden where Arie has just concocted a love potion with the help of a very old Indian woman. He rubs the scented oil all over Emily’s arms before she leads him to the notorious break-up bench. He comments on her Phoenix necklace and considers it a secret sign that she’s picking him in the end.
Even though Phoenix is the new Aztec, it was a big party foul to wear the bird that has the same name of the town where the guy you’re about to dump lives. Wardrobe should have caught that.
Though Botox has permanently damaged her tear ducts, we know her crying is severe due to the choking and sobbing sounds she squeaks out even though zero liquid falls from her eyes. This goes on for a few minutes with Arie frantically asking, “What’s wrong? What is it? Are you hurt? Did someone die?” The poor guy never once thought it was his fate that was being mourned at that moment. Somehow, Emily manages to convey, in a very indirect way, that she thinks he’s perfect for her, yet not really. Confused, he sits there in a daze as she again clarifies that he’s the one, except he’s runner-up.
Astounded by the realization that not only does his love potion not work, but that black SUV is waiting around for him, Arie bristles with a cold good-bye.
Emily: “Arie! Wait!”
Arie: “There’s nothing else to say. I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m not going to give you the goodbye you want. Good luck. Thank you for sparing me the embarrassment of tomorrow. Here’s your token hug.”
Again. I think this was an EXTREMELY appropriate reaction. There was nothing Emily could say at the moment to help the matter. He was not going to marry this girl. Cut the ties and MOVE ON.
Arie bustles into the SUV of doom, knocks something out or over as he enters and slams the door as Emily cries on the rejection bench. He admits to feeling confused, stupid and naïve. It was a close call, but the ABC psychotherapist was not successful in making him cry.
I can’t say that same for the moment when the old Indian woman came running after him because he forgot his love potion in the garden.
I want to hear from you. Be honest. Are you as excited as I am for Arie Luyenkyk’s pending journey to find love, or are you still wishing Peter had been called up from the previous season?