It’s not all right
Lifetime would like for you to know that this is the UNAUTHORIZED made for TV movie about our favorite Bay Side High students. I’d like for you to know that I laughed until I cried, before coming around full circle to laughing again. Dear reader, I can’t keep you from watching this UNAUTHORIZED movie because I know curiosity is going to get the best of most of you. Believe me. I understand. I’m the jack wagon who set my DVR to record this business. How bad could it be?
It was painful.
For that one-percent who will take my advice and toss this pop culture phenomenon out like yesterday’s Kardashian news, allow me to give you the highlights and save you 120 minutes that could be well spent watching grass grow or paint dry.
Things I Took Away from The UNAUTHORIZED Saved By the Bell Movie:
- The entire show was told from Screech’s perspective. We can only assume this is because he wrote a tell-all book and the screenplay was roughly thrown together from its contents.
- I had the exact same pair of acid washed jeans as Jessie was wearing when the kids learned that all the critics thought they were a joke. I’m quite confident that my Mama still has them in the attic if anyone needs them for Halloween this year.
- The show was cancelled three times before it became an overnight sensation. It was the highest ranking Saturday morning show and I contributed to those stats. I only watched because Zack was really cute and carried a cool brick phone.
- Zack had brunette hair in real life. He dyed it for the show. AC Slater’s mullet was legit though. You can’t fake great hair like that.
- AC autographed a teenaged girl and HER MOTHER’S stomaches.
- The network had fights over AC and Zack being shirtless in BOP magazine. They also didn’t want any of the cast dating each other on the side.
- Which brings me to the biggest shocker: ZACK AND LISA TURTLE SORT OF DATED! I know, right? He really liked her and they often had dates on the roof where they shot the show. But they both hated being secretive. She broke up with him when a picture ran of him hugging Kelly Kaposki.
- Jessie often whined that she was “stuck in high school” even though she had graduated in real life. She wanted to tackle more daring storylines. That’s when the most memorable scene in show history was born:Admit it. Your 90s self thought that was Academy Award material.
- AC Slater would bring girls onto the set and make out with them at The Max.
- Screech boozed, smoked and hooked up on the side, thanks to the bad behavior he picked up from a random guy he befreinded on the lot one day. That guy video taped him for several years and then used the footage to blackmail him later.
- Lisa was quiet, Kelly was nervous, Jessie was determined, Screech was wounded, AC was oblivious and Zack never wanted the show to end. And Mr. Belding was as dorky in person as he was on the show.
If the nostalgia sucked you in and watched the show, let me know. We can start a support group. Oh, and feel free to comment if there’s something I forgot. Full disclosure: I may have been distracted by the rain that was falling outside of my window that day. I was a little too lazy to pick up the remote and rewind to see the things I missed.