Can I just say that the best part of last night was the little teaser ABC did for the next Bachelor? HELLO NAVY DOCTOR! That made the torturous series finale of Prince Lorenzo actually worth the two hours we had to sit through for him to pick between the vanilla milkshake and the vanilla milkshake.

So many people asked me who I thought he would pick. The truth is that I really didn’t care because they were identical to me. I guess it all came down to one thing really…

Who did his Mommy liked better?

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies…that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Winter Oreos or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

If you had never seen one moment of the Bachelor Renzy season, you were caught up in the first 30 minutes of the show.

If you didn’t know Sadie and Jen, you were caught up the second 30 minutes of the show. They are good girls. They have bubbly personalities. They sit on their beds and journal. They dream of having their fairy tale come true with a Prince in a castle.

And if you didn’t already know, Sadie is saving herself for marriage. She lets the viewer in on this “secret” exactly six times in 53 minutes. I counted.

And guess what? Renzy is having a hard time deciding who to pick. Fortunately, he gets some help from his parents. They will help him make the right decision.

Princess Mom wants happiness for her son. She wants him to find his soul mate. She is super pumped he is allowing them to experience this emotional journey. So excited that she gives him a gift. She has designed for his future wife an engagement ring and it is being made THIS VERY MOMENT!

Call me crazy, but I don’t think that is what Renzy had in mind when he asked his Mom to open up the family vault and let him have his pick of the Borghese family jewels so that he could impress his wife with something an actual princess wore back in the day.

Of course he fakes it and stammers something about fairy tales when his Mom suggests that have a new tradition that begins with her ring she has selected for his future wife.

Jen Meets the Royal Family
Poor Jen wears jeans to meet the royal parents in the family castle. Mom thinks Jen radiates goodness and has a special soul. (Huh?) They talk about what they like about each other. Then they talk about how she is different from Sadie. Jen says she is the real deal and tough. Jen asks what the parents want in a daughter-in-law and Mr. Borghese uses his words and mumbles something about travel and willing to learn.

Mom and Jen go off by themselves to talk when we learn that Mrs. Princess reads palms.

It all makes sense now.

Mom tells Jen that she is a Daddy’s girl and her fate will be determined by the person you marry and his mother. She is an open road of green lights. Jen does a toe touch and is excited for this victory.

Sadie Meets the Royal Family
Sadie shows up in a nice flowing dress. Hugs all around for everyone because she is instantly comfortable as a virgin princess.

Mum asks: “What have you gained from coming here?”

Sadie answers: “I am honored to have been able to spend time with your son.”

Lame.

Sadie then talks about how Renzy has lot of layers and has a deep, smart, witty side that gets her. She reminds us that she fell in love with him while he was flying a plane.

Mom asks if Sadie thinks she is similar to Jen. Sadie says, “NO WAY” and explains that they are night and … later than night… of each other.

Mom wants to read Sadie’s palm. She tells her that her head rules hear heart.
Sadie is so relieved to hear this and decides to tell Mom that she is saving herself for marriage. (number seven)

Big Pot of Stew
Renzy’s new age Mom decides to invite both sets of parents to the castle for a wonderful brunch. She thinks they should all be thrown into the same pot to stir up some action to see what they learn about each other and how their auras change when placed in awkward positions.

Jen’s coaching Dad shows up in his Purple Crush Pride shirt, untucked, to meet the family. Her Mom is as mute as Renzy’s Dad.

Sadie and her wholesome parents arrive shortly after Coach. She pouts to the ABC intern that he gave her the wrong time slot. The ABC intern frantically mixes more mimosas and tells Sadie and family that it was Renzy’s Mom’s idea for this debacle. Sadie plasters on a sweet smile and skips to her wannabe future mother-in-law.

Oh this is going to be good.

BEST QUOTE OF THE NIGHT:
Coach: “I’m praying…I guess to the Pope, that I don’t make an idiot of myself.”

I love the Coach.

Renzy admits that this scenario should be funny, but it is not. He crosses his arms in protest, claiming this is too difficult and it sucks. No other Bachelor has had to do this.

Meanwhile, Coach is livening up the party. He wants to know how Sadie’s parents feel that their daughter is number two? He also encourages Renzy to just tell everyone at that moment who he picked so we can get on with our lives.

Jen is embarrassed. Sadie says everyone should eat their eggs and stop making everything so awkward. Then Renzy gives some random “There’s no place like Rome” speech to end the celebration.

Have I already told you I love the Coach? And did you know that Sadie is a virgin?

The Moms go to a room and start visiting. Jen’s Mom sits in silence as Sadie’s Mom affirms everything Her Highness says while checking the future in her crystal ball.

The next day, Renzy asks for both Dad’s blessings for their daughters’ hands in marriage. He gets them.

I would say more about how the parents are talking with the daughters about marriage and engagements and fairy tales, but it was the same conversation in repeat. I’m too bored to type it and you would be bored reading it.

Sadie’s Last Date
Sadie and Renzy go sailing. She tells the camera that she feels like she has been holding her breath this whole show. (She needs to start blowing that breath, because that sailboat ain’t going anywhere!)

They see a rainbow and kiss. They toast. They talk about how they are ready to be normal. They talk about comfortable silences and then practice a comfortable silence. (Give me a break)

She pulls out a Bachelor Lorenzo scrapbook that she made from Creative Memories and flips through the pages remembering their time together in Rome. It is at this point that I realize he is the worst at trying to mask and cover his feelings. It is written all over his face that he is not into Sadie and that the limo keys are jingling behind the scenes. ABC intern is taking bets and it is not looking good for Sadie or her v-card.

Renzy tells Sadie goodbye, with a mopey gleam in his eye, and turns just as Sadie steals his napkin. It will make a good background for their engagement scrapbook she has already started on…

Jen’s Last Date
Jen and Renzy ride horses with helmets. I thought that was humorous.

They grill in a lightning storm (smart) and Renzy…or should I call him CHACH…decides to turn into his Mom for five seconds and talk about how the storm is symbolic for friction and sad feelings and burnt hamburgers.

Jen goes out on a limb and tells Renzy that she could see herself moving to New York. She tells him that she wants to be picked and that she hopes she is the one standing at the end. They talk about the wishes they made in the fountain, and how he can’t tell her his last wish because it hasn’t come true.

Vomit.

Final Rose
Sadie and Jen both wake up, gaze over their balcony and start journaling. They talk about how they are in love and could be engaged that night. Sadie tells the camera that she has been saving herself for marriage. (eight)

Renzy goes to the jeweler and picks up his Mom’s ring with the diamond that is the size of my eyeball.

Sadie is out of the limo first. She is looking very boobilicious in her Roman dress and Renzy can barely get the words out to tell her she is done. He holds her hands in a death grip the entire conversation as he tells her that her scrapbook list of 358 things she wants in a man, included one item that he didn’t fit. Number 242 said that her man would never fathom being with another woman. Alas…he is in love with someone else.

Not letting go of her hands, he starts to get teary. She is gracious and tells him that he knows what is best. She tries to break away from his grip, but he is determined to make sure she is not upset. She finally says she feels foolish and he says his feelings were 100% real. His lip starts to quiver. I start to laugh. That nervous laughter. Please dude…let her walk away.

Lone Tears
I was a little upset that the ABC promo they kept showing Renzy in a blue shirt with the lone tear streaming down both eyes had not yet shown. HAD I MISSED THIS SCENE? But they choose this moment to have the emotional breakdown of Renzy feeling horrible he is letting Sadie go home.

I think there were only two takes to get that Visine juuuuuuust right. You go Renzy.

At this point, Renzy is ticking me off that he will not let Sadie just walk away with what little dignity she and her v-card have left. Don’t break down Sadie! Don’t do it! Hold on. HOLD ON. And then she cracks. It was a really big chance to take…because she was afraid of getting hurt. And she got hurt again.

Renzy tells the camera that he found love with Jen and that she has all the characteristics and qualities he’s looking for in a wife. He tells her that his third wish is coming true and pulls out his Mom’s ring. He lets her stare at it and then proceeds to NOT propose.

No surprise there…we’ve come to know that the Bachelor is not going to propose.
He talks about how they are in the Garden of Eden and they need to get back to planet Earth to see if emotions are real. Poor Jen is transfixed by the honker diamond and doesn’t hear a word he says.

But the surprise is when he decides to let her wear the ring anyway!

Jen decides to ditch her 8th-grade class in Florida and head for NYC!
He picks her up and spins her around and gives her several bad kisses.

And that’s the end. ABC gives us some token end-of-the-road closing montage of their Bachelor experience and I can only think one thing…

What a crap year.

But then…a glimmer of hope.

Wait!

A freaking beacon of pure joy with a rockin’ body…

Meet Lieutenant Andy Baldwin. He’s a Navy doctor who is excited to find the love of his life.

Please Lord…bring back the hot tub.

Until Spring 2007…

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee