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Sizing Up Des’ Dudes

Thursday, May 16, 2013 @ 05:05 PM
Author: Lincee

We are just days away from joining Desiree on her quest to find Sean 2.0 among the naturally athletic, adorably geeky and uncommonly white toothed band of merry men that ABC cobbled together from country club bars, Venice Beach, that one dude who shared a prison cell with our bachelorette’s brother and the countless tweets from women following Our Host Chris Harrison who claim their co-worker/newphew/son would be PERFECT for America’s favorite bridal consultant.

Keeping with tradition from seasons past, once I found out that the bios were officially up, I decided to pick three contenders based solely on their thumbnail picture. Let’s see how I did!

Meet Tiny Brad
Little Brad

I think I stopped at Tiny Brad because he has a nice smile. I also appreciate his bold choice to wear the color teal on his national TV debut headshot photo. Finally, it would appear that he has light eyes and dark hair. Let’s see if I’m right…

Brad

1. The Smile: Very nice. Extremely white teeth which are emphasized by his fresh spray tan and non-nonchalant five o’clock shadow.
2. The Shirt: I’m glad it’s a bit more manly than the thumbnail would imply. It’s no periodic chart tee, but I think I see the start to a mighty fine gun show.
3. The Eyes and Hair: I’m a fan of a buzz cut. The eyes are the same color as the shirt. Bonus points.

The website has a new section that features scanned hand written applications from our contestants. According to his answers, Brad is both an accountant AND a deejay. YES! He claims he would dance with me in the rain if we ever found ourselves in Seattle. Um, OKAY! He thinks Will Ferrell is the funniest man alive and loves Christmas Vacation. SURVEY SAYS? I APPROVE!

Meet Tiny Juan Pablo
Little Juan

Tiny Juan Pablo’s hair intrigued me. He also looked manly and rugged. Again, I’m a sucker for a five o’clock shadow. Roll out the big version (she said to no one)!

Juan Pablo

1. The Hair: Oh Juan. I love how you put so much product in your hair, yet wear your t-shirt in a deep V plunge as if to convey you are super laid back.
2. Is he rugged? I would need to inspect his fingernails to be for sure, but according to his bio, he was a pro football (read: soccer) player in Venezuela.
3. The Shadow? There’s a bit of a hairy neck sweater going on in this pic. I’m not a fan.

According to the application, The Pablo is one of the few who DOESN’T have the hand writing of a blind doctor, serial killer or first grader. Bonus. He loves to dance (AWESOME), doesn’t read (I find that odd) and is looking for a woman with great breasts (aren’t we all?) He’ll either be the mysterious Venezuelan brooding in the corner or he’ll charm Des with a quick game of soccer in the driveway. She’ll face plant due to the obnoxious train on her cocktail dress or by slipping on the freshly sprayed asphalt. He’ll go far as a result of whispering sweet Spanish nothings in her ear to console her as Harrison gives her a sip from his boot flask to make the pain go away. VAYA CON DIOS JUAN PABOLO!

Meet Tiny Zak
Zak W

Like Tiny Brad, I was drawn to Tiny Zak’s smile. I saw the faint outlining of a possible dimple, which is my personal kryptonite. I also thought the angle of his headshot gave him a whimsical feel. Did he run in the shot because he was too busy shooting the breeze with Harrison’s entourage? Was he helping an old lady across the street? Was he trying on his third Henley in order to get just the right look for his national debut? THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS!

Meet Big Zak
Zak W.

1. The Smile: Clearly, Crest White Strips are the national sponsor for season 20.
2. The Angle: We learn from Zak’s bio that he’s an oxymoron which is code for WACKY. He’s a drilling fluids engineer (I just fell asleep typing that) yet he likes to go antiquing with his Mom and hopes that there is always room for creativity. What? I can’t decide if he was actually late to the photo shoot because he was solving a math problem for fun or helping Juan Pablo pick the proper deep V-neck.

Let the record show that Zak also answered a question with the term, “nopers.” How do we feel about that? He likes karaoke and camping but if he could eat dinner with anyone, it would be the Cookie Monster. I don’t know if I should roll my eyes or root for him with the passion of a thousand One F Jefs. Help me.

Meet Nick R.
Nick R.

Nick R. was scanned over from the tiny composite pics, but he quickly moved up the ladder when I read that he was both a tailor and a magician. A MAGICIAN Y’ALL! He can make his own cape and pull a rabbit out of his hat! Abracadabra I hope this dude goes far! TEAM HOUDINI!

Meet My Legitimate Favorite
Nick

Nick M. lives in New York as an investment advisor and drinks either beer or wine. Deciding between the two IS hard. We’re soul mates. Also, it takes him 20 minutes to get ready and he easily blushes. Adorable.

What do y’all think? Do you have a favorite? Will Juan Pablo be cool or annoying? Do you think Nick R. will pull a quarter out of Harrison’s ear? Will Harrison saw him in half if he does? Does Brad have potential? Is Nick M. your favorite too? Sound off in the comment section!

23 Responses to “Sizing Up Des’ Dudes”

  1. Norma says:

    Based on just these pics alone, I will have to go with Juan or Nick M!!!!! Can’t wait for all your awesomeness this season, Lincee!

  2. SH says:

    THIS: “Let the record show that Zak also answered a question with the term, “nopers.” How do we feel about that?”
    Lincee, your commentary is always hilarious. Love it!

  3. Amanda Lee says:

    Okay you weren’t kidding about the physco-killing-third-grader hand writing. Geez what the heck? And some answers to questions? Wow. Some of these guys couldn’t have made it past fifth grade spelling. How do these guys have jobs? They need an interview class. Mind blowing.

  4. Assilon says:

    I had the following as my tops:
    Jonathan – looks down to earth
    Micah – seems fairly normal and fun
    Michael G – thought he’d be a good match to Des
    Nick M – cool and cute
    Robert – seems genuine
    Zak – funny

    I did notice that most of the guys are pretty tall. Is Des tall too?

  5. Emma says:

    I was looking through them and on Bryden’s form it looks like the ABC intern gave him the application for a woman auditioning! He had to cross out “man” in the questions and write in “girl”!

  6. Lincee says:

    I’m going to have to look back at Bryden’s form. That’s hilarious!

  7. JJ says:

    Lincee,

    PLEASE look at the video of Jimmy Kimmel’s nephew as the Baby Bachelor!! TOO CUTE!

  8. Emma says:

    I kept on going and i think they must ALL have been given the wrong form! One guy responded “I’d prefer not to be pursued by a man”. Made me chuckle.

  9. Mary says:

    Love your post!. Laughed out loud. Like the pic of Zak, but I call total BS on the antique shopping with mom and predict douche baggery.

  10. Amanda Lee says:

    I don’t think Bryden’s is the only one. Diogo’s is that way too….

  11. Ania says:

    There’s something about Pablo. Or maybe I’m just a sucker for football players…

  12. Lori H says:

    And…I think we have a hotter hotter than crap Brad! Haven’t looked at any of the bios yet, but out of the group you’ve picked, I’m going with Brad as the next Bachelor (since Des will most likely not end up with anyone due to her brother).

    Looking forward to reading your recaps, Lincee!! (I just found our favorite periodic table t-shirted Chris on HGTV…I’m still smitten with him!)

  13. Natkaps says:

    Seriously? Michael G is the only one i’d look twice at.

  14. Kiley says:

    Not “magician,” Lincee…

    ILLUSIONIST.

    (I’m way too excited about Arrested Development, it turns out.)

  15. Lincee says:

    Kiley — YES!

  16. Ann says:

    I’m 100% on the Nick M team. He’s a cutie. Can’t wait for the fun to begin (meaning reading Lincee’s posts on Tuesdays).

  17. Anita says:

    I also like Zak. And Nick M. They have REAL jobs!!

    Which probably mean they’re out of the running.

    These girls seem to only go for the dudes with the “questionable job titles” like “sales associate”. Which we all know is code for “I work at the Gap.”

  18. AngelaW says:

    I think the magician guy looks like the Count of Sesame Street.

  19. Cassie says:

    I just breezed through a few of the bios on abc.com and I agree with Natkaps, Michael G is my pick of the litter.

    And please explain to me why it is so important for us to know everyone’s shoe size? Unless Des specifically requested this info…*ahem*

  20. Hey Lincee —

    We see that you hate Juan Pablo’s neck beard — so do we! Check out our expert analysis, join a league and make your own bracket. With 7 years of bachelor knowledge, we know you’ve got chops and would be a woman to contend with!

    http://www.thebachelorbracket.com

    See you on the field!
    The Bachelor Bracket Team

  21. Tara says:

    I think the “illusionist” looks like Alec Baldwin.

  22. Michelle says:

    ^^^ wtf? …Lincee- I must admit, I’m way behind on my episodes! But reading your recaps without having to wait an entire week..?! Makes a recently deployed husband’s wife/mother have something to look forward to at night! Thank you!

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