Recap: Snow bunnies? Try SNOW MONKEYS!

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Sorry about that. Work totally got in the way of my recap today. What’s up with that?

My friend Nancy Jane picked me up from the airport yesterday and was at my house when I began to make the nest for my Monday night ritual of Bachelor and Dancing with the Stars watching. [side note: thank you Jesus for TiVo] Anyway, I invited her to stay and watch. She was pretty excited to see how “I work” when reviewing the show. Sadly…I just sit in a trance and type every single thing that comes into my head. It’s not very entertaining.

I actually spent more of last night laughing hysterically at NJ’s comments. And they weren’t anything about The Bachelor due to the fact that it was SO LAME last night.

This is when I get nervous. That you guys are expecting greatness and I’m left to recap a mediocre piece of crap that wasted 37 minutes of my TiVo space. How am I supposed to make you laugh and bring joy to your Tuesday when absolutely nothing funny or remotely cringe-worthy happened?

I guess we’ll have to squeeze as much out of the nipple comment as we can get.

Soooo did not mean for that to be an innuendo, but I’m leaving it. Because that’s as good as it gets people.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Our host Chris greets the remaining six women with a reminder that there will be NO roses up for grabs this week. Matty will be taking the girls on two one-on-one dates and a group date. This is very important because he will be sizing them all up to see which families he wants to meet and which gene pool of crazies he wants to steer clear of.

Our host tells the girls that things are going to be a little different. You see, it’s very exciting, so they need to hold on to their slim knitted scarves and fuzzy knitted hats (except Shayne who is wearing a signature fedora) because…wait for it…you are going on a trip to…wait for it…

SUN VALLEY, IDAHO!

I have to admit, I looked quizzically at Nancy Jane for confirmation. Sun Valley? I know it’s one of the great United, but do we think of Idaho as being a destination state? She assured me it was a cool place and ABC wasn’t low balling the travel budget.

Lots of screaming and pushing to get upstairs to pack their bags.

I know. You bored? Here you go…nipple.

They arrive in Idaho and Matty is super pumped to be able to ski in The States. He takes the girls to their chateau begins to playfully throw snow balls. Meeps giggles and throws a handful back. Shayne jumps on Matty’s back and kisses his neck. Robin crafts a bow and arrow out of a nearby tree and attempts to knock Shayne off. Chelsea has started to build a fort around Matty and Noelle looks awfully confused at all the commotion. Meanwhile, Marsh is standing a safe distance away. She looks fabulous, so she says, and doesn’t want to get snow all over her outfit.

He begins to chase after her and she pulls away. Matty gets his ego bruised and starts to turn to slam dunk Noelle in a bank of snow when Marshana gets a clue and pulls back a bit. She tells the camera she let him win and that the whole experience was quite sexy.

I know…I know. Nipple.

First One-On-One
Experience a Winter Wonderland
Chelsea

Chelsea is so excited to land a one-on-one with Matty. They are going on a sleigh ride! We hear those sleigh bells jingling as the Budweiser horses come clomping around the corner. Matty gives a token “tally ho” and they are off.

Immediately, he asks Chelsea who has the bigger ass. You can tell that Chelsea is confused and trying to think of a political answer to give. She knows the biggest chip on her shoulder. She knows the biggest attitude. But ass? It could be anybody! Matty laughs and admits he was joking about the horses. Chels cackles hysterically, nearly spitting out her Starbucks poured into a Sun Valley mug because we haven’t quite talked the coffee company into product placement.

Nipple.

Matty tells Chelsea that he loves her sense of humor…it was the first thing he noticed. She agrees and LOVES that he is into her sarcasm. Matty then drops the bomb and tells the viewing audience that he needs to know if this is more than friends.

Did we NOT just go through this exact same scenario with Holly? C’mon Chelsea. Show him that you are interested. The gauntlet has been thrown. How are you going to respond?

By telling him she hates public displays of affection and has a weird phobia to hand holding of course! NO SUDDEN MOVEMENTS BUDDY!

Matty takes Chels to eat dinner in front of the fire and gets serious:

Matty: “I really don’t care for your sense of humor. You are too dry and sarcastic.”

Chelsea stares blankly at him and is about to whip open a can we he interrupts just in time with a hearty laugh.

Matty: “SYKE!”
Chelsea: “Matt! I almost believed you!”
Lincee: Nipple.

Even though our Bachelor is smitten with dear Chelsea and jokes around with her as if they were best mates, he is concerned that she is not forthcoming with kisses and compliments.

Chelsea: “Some people don’t get to see the romantic, shy and vulnerable side of me. I want to be how I want to be with you. (huh?) Put me in a romantic situation and I’ll embrace it. I completely dig you. My parents would love you. Can you excuse me for a minute?”

Random? Yes. Do we typically get to see the Bachelorettes excuse themselves for a potty break? I remember that one time when the chick had to go outside and collect herself before accepting the fantasy card date but something was not right in Sun Valley…

Chelsea runs to the bathroom and rolls out about a yard of toilet paper so she can write the Bachelor a love note. Then she decides that’s too much like something “best mates” would do, so she digs out an old deposit slip in her purse and writes in her best penmanship:

“I want to spend more time with you and get to know you in other ways.”
[Code for: I want to see you naked.]

“I would love to spend alone time with you in your suite.”
[Code for: I want to see you naked.]

“Can we make our own fantasy suite at your place?”
[Code for: I want to see you naked.]

Matty tells Chelsea that he would love it if she came back with him to his suite.
[Code for: Finally…I get to see her naked.]

He tells the camera that he hopes they can turn a corner and find romance…or condom.

Later, we find the girls inside their hotel room waiting for the magical date box to appear. When it finally arrives, Marshana is the only one to shriek to the top of her lungs because Meeps is meeping, Shayne is concentrating on re-gluing her dangling false eyelash, Noelle is daydreaming about rainbows and unicorns, Chelsea is distracted from a rather large belch she’s working up by chugging IBC root beer and Robin, of course, is too cool for school and refuses to make a fuss like all the other robo-Bachelorettes that have gone on before her.

Skiing with the group
Meeps
Shayne
Robin
Marsh

Matty loves the snow and he loves that there are two virgins on the slopes with him. Marshana and Meeps have never been skiing before.

That lame line has intern written all over it. I suspect he is still cracking himself up. Sort of like “nipple” is for me today. We’d be great friends…me and the intern.

Anyway…

Matty says that Amanda is looking hot in her gear and affectionately tells her to stick her ass out whilst teaching proper ski techniques. Meeps thinks Matty was so patient with her when teaching how to properly position one’s ass down the slopes and concludes that he will be a great father one day.

It’s now the other virgin’s turn to get instruction from Matty. Poor Marshana is already in pain and she’s only standing there. She falls down…a lot…and dramatically flings her poles above her head. I think she did it on purpose to have Matt help her up. But he never did. I think it’s because he was checking out his own personal “snow monkey” by the name of Shayne Lamas.

She’s growing on me ladies and gentleman. The more I see the snow monkey, the more I like the snow monkey and her blatant embrace on her little skewed version of life. Home girl challenges the Bachelor to a downhill race. She wants to show him a good time so he can get his mind off of his silly date with Chelsea. Shayne boards down the mountain and wipes out hard. Matty comes to her rescue and she insists he sit down in the snow to keep her company.

Shayne begins her practiced soliloquy about how she is ready to settle down. She is able to perform the entire speech while applying lip gloss, plucking her eyebrows and putting on another coat of mascara. Matty comments on how she had the entire contents of her makeup bag conveniently tucked away in one of the many pockets of her super cute snow monkey jacket.

He finds this endearing. She laughs and says in her best baby voice: “Don’t make fun of meeeeeeeeee!” right before they begin making out right there on the blacks.

Robin uses her alien senses and is able to pinpoint the exact location of Matty and Shayne. She zig-zags her way down the mountain and plops herself mere feet from the snow monkey. Shayne is furious. Robin always steals one-on-one time. Reluctantly, she hoists herself up and continues down the mountain, effortlessly even though she’s holding a butane-powered curling iron.

Robin settles herself in Shayne’s butt-print and nuzzles up under the Bachelor’s chin. She tones down the crazy a bit and asks him why she was not asked to be on a one-on-one date?

Matty: “I know you so I don’t need to have one-0n-one time to figure that out.”

Too bad he didn’t mention to Robin that he knows that she’s CRAZY and is afraid for his family and their bunnies if she comes anywhere closer.

Of course it would be a ski trip if there weren’t bikinis and hot tubs! The girls all dip in the water…loved snow monkey’s hair piece by the way…and Meeps decides to take Matty off to the secret bungalow. They talk about her family and how she is excited for him to meet them. She’s worried about culture shock and teases him about red necks, double wide trailers and cooking possum. I’m sure it was way funnier than what my notes said. Regardless, he felt there was a connection.

Second One-On-One Date
Let’s warm up before we hit the ice
Noelle

Sweet Noelle is so touched that the Bachelor put REAL SNOW around her mug of hot chocolate and then used a covered dish to keep it from melting. HE’S SO SWEET!

Hey Noelle? It’s Lincee. Yeah. Do you really think that Matt a) came up with that idea and b) actually walked his happy butt over to your chateau, rang the bell and ran off to hide behind a bush? That would be my good friend the intern. Maybe you should give kudos where kudos are deserved.

Matty’s objective is to really get to know Noelle…in the Biblical sense. Just kidding. Or am I?

Seriously. I was so bored with this date that I don’t even know what to say. They talked about both having been in a horrible accident…but we didn’t get any details. They almost bust it on the ice, but they don’t. He thinks he likes her…but he’s not sure. It was beige.

Back at the playground…

Marsh: “I’ve risen to the occasion. I’ve seen how he lives and I want him to see how I live.”
Robin: “Really? You’ve never been to London. How do you know how he lives? Do you think this is his every day life?”
Chels: “You’ve always had a negative attitude and I know you don’t want to be here.”

Marsh: “DO NOT MIS-QUOTE ME! WALK OFF. WALK OFF. WALK OFF.”
(Then Marshana follows her after demanding she walks off…)

Marsh: “I am a great, nice, good, polite, kind, enjoyable, lovely, congenial, attractive, beautiful, wonderful, friendly, loving, giving, charitable and a delight to be around. I am who I am and you do NOT have to like it.”
Nancy Jane: “She forgot humble.”

Rose Ceremony
Marshana feels like she’s about to get the boot for her little “outburst” the night before and tells the camera that it’s hard for girls to live together without getting in a fight.

Noelle is confused because everyone has said they feel a connection with Matty. So who is going home then?

Chelsea is nervous that Marshana is going to rat her out and tell Matty about their fight the night before. Cut to Marshana ratting Chelsea out about the fight they had the night before. Chelsea interrupts and tells Matty she wants to be with him. In his bed. Okay I made that last part up, but this was seriously a boring episode.

Shayne re-applies a sixth coat of lip gloss, talks about how her 17-year-old sister could force Matty into loving Shayne and then makes out with him on the couch. Snow monkey style.

Robin babbles on about Michigan.

I have to say I was a bit surprised that he let Robin go. I thought ABC was trying to trick us into thinking that Chelsea was a goner, but her homemade fantasy card ended up doing the trick. Way to go Chels!

Marshana left with her head held high…ironically sans Indian head dress. She is proud that she played rugby. She got in a pool. She was 100% lady and that is the way she is leaving. She concludes that she is amazing and gives a kiss goodbye to the camera.

Robin on the other hand…

Daggers. Piercing daggers with her eyes. She’s got that look down pat. She’s shocked that he made such a bad decision. She marches up to the Bachelor, holds out a hand and utters, “bon soir” as she leaves the room. She’s off to make her voodoo doll of Matt Grant. He’ll have weird sudden body pains next week. Watch for them…

Speaking of next week—it’s home town dates for Shayne, Noelle, Chelsea and Meeps.

And Meeps’ Mom.
Who appreciates a good smelling man.
And a good nipple tweak.

Who doesn’t?

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

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