That’s right ladies and gentlemen. According to Harrison, this is the wedding that America has been waiting for!

Seriously. I didn’t make that part up. He actually said that on camera. With a straight face. And a twinkle in his eye.

This is why we adore the Hare.

Since I’m knocking this recap out with only 30 minutes to spare before I have a phone chat with my new BFF Cord McCoy (Mesquite Rodeo THIS WEEKEND PEOPLE!) I thought it might be fun to make last night’s curious, memorable and head shakable moments into a quiz. Get all the answers right and you could win your very own pair of kicky green Manolo Blahniks!

Let’s begin!

Which was more cheesetastic concerning Jason’s opening montage?
a.   His tough guy facial scruff that when left to grow, would turn into full-blown mountain man in a matter of hours.

b. Jason’s “be present” t-shirt.

c. Jason carrying Molly around Seattle on his back as if she were a baby Cottontop Tamarin monkey at the Bronx Zoo. (Totally Googled that.)

d. How he rhymed “star gazing” with “amazing” in a pre-ceremony note that the wedding coordinator made him write before she attached it to the wedding bouquet.

Which was your favorite location in which Jason began to cry?
a. On the bench when he’s remembering dumping Melissa on TV.

b. In the meadow when Ty comes running toward him.

c. The alter when Molly walks down the isle.

d. When Jason is reflecting with his father as he looks at their reflections while trying on tuxedos. That’s deep.

Moment you knew there will inevitably be a naughty x-rated tape of Vienna and Jake.
a. When Jake said, “A day with us will make you throw up.”

b. When Jake said over a pot of boiling noodles, “I feel deprived. I need a kiss.”

c. Eating one of the said noodles a la Lady and the Tramp.

d. Jake covering Vienna’s eyes as they watch Ali straddle him in the middle of a park in San Francisco. This actually turns Vienna on.

The moment in which you screamed and pointed at the TV:
a. When you spotted the ABC intern frantically throwing plastic over anything that stood still.

b. The fact that the ABC intern was wearing a black “Bachelor” shirt.

c. The fact that the ABC intern was hotter in person than in your imagination.

d. All of the above.

Which of these statements presents the bigger Jim Halpert face moment during the Jill and Ed montage?
a. Jill is planning a wedding and there is no wedding date.

b. Jill is happy that their potential wedding location has a lake…or an ocean…nearby.

Which song best describes the moment following former Bachelor Charlie’s announcement that he and Sarah will be moving in together at the precise same moment Sarah says she won’t be moving in with Charlie until she’s engaged?
a. Single Ladies

b. Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

c. This Will Be (An Everlasting Love)

d. Don’t Know What You’ve Got ‘Til It’s Gone

Which sponsor had the best product placement of the night?
a. Neil Lane – Official ring sponsor of The Bachelor

b. Macy’s – Official wedding registry sponsor of The Bachelor

c. Bellagio – Official Bachelorette/Bachelor party sponsor of The Bachelor.

d. Ken Paves – Official hair extension sponsor of The Bachelor.

Why did Molly and Jason feel that their wedding planning was super easy?
a. Because ABC paid for the entire thing.

b. Because ABC paid for the entire thing with the help of Macy’s.

c. Because ABC threatened to pull the plug if Molly and Jason didn’t like everything the wedding coordinator (paid for by ABC) suggested.

d. Because ABC paid for the entire thing. For reals.

The 17 girls who were invited to Molly’s bachelorette party consisted of:
a. Her sister, bridesmaids and house party.

b. Her sister, bridesmaids and any Pi Phi pledge class members who were still single.

c. Her sister, bridesmaids and daughters of top executives and Macy’s.

d. Her sister, bridesmaids and the floor show from Cher’s show at Caesars.

Jaw-dropping, high fiving one-liners from the show:
a. Stripper teaching Molly to dance: “We start with grabbing the ankles. And then push the butt up.”

b. A nameless dude toasting Jason: “Of all the women Jason has proposed to, Molly is the best.”

c. ABC security tackling a member of the paparazzi, putting him in a head lock and hand cuffing him on the side of a ravine.

d. Jason Castro playing his ukulele while singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” while a rainbow is actually in the sky.

Favorite Ty moments:
a. Ty making brownies with Molly on national TV.

b. Ty tackling Molly at a park on national TV.

c. Ty reading a book with Molly on national TV.

d. Jason telling his Dad that he and his ex-wife have decided that Ty shouldn’t be on TV.

Best former Bachelor cameos that made you think of six degrees of separation:
a. DDAHnna…who dumped Jake for Jesse the snow boarder, smiles lovingly at her new boyfriend Stephen who is the brother of Break Dancer Mikey who was dumped by Jillian. Harrison looks at DDAHnna’s left hand which is ringless. Mute Stephen says nothing. DDAHnna scolds Harrison for scaring her boyfriend. NOW SHE’LL NEVER GET MARRIED OR HAVE AN ABC WEDDING SPONSORED BY MACY’S.

b. Jillian…who was dumped by the groom…is there with Ed. Our Host asks if there is a wedding date set. Ed laughs and gives Hare a “bless his heart” look as Jillian confirms that their Macy’s sponsored wedding will have blue skies. Or at the very least…an inside contingency plan.

c. Snow boarder Jesse, who was dumped by DDAHnna sitting two rows over, had a wing man in Richard and is totally getting the 4-1-1 on Nikki who was also dumped by Jason.

d. Single Mom Stephanie…who was let go by Jason…is wearing the latest fashion forward style – pink fur. Her outfit was sponsored by the letter Q and the number 7.

The torrential downpour during Jason and Molly’s vows reminded you of:
a. Hurricane Ike

b. That scene in Karate Kid II where Daniel San has to save the little girl ringing the emergency weather bell.

c. Gene Kelly

d. Your worst nightmare.

True or False
Our Host announced during his toast that he had a surprise for the newly wed couple. Instead of a wedding song by Gavin DeGraw, you thought Melissa Rycroft was going to pop out of the cake.

True or False
Molly actually told Jason that their story was the perfect trifecta of reality, romance and roses.

True or False
The statement above made you throw up a little in your mouth.

Let me know how you did! Until then, I’m

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

(Side note:  my grandmother – Doodle – always told me that I should never EVER take a picture with a boy/engagement photo that features my arms wrapped around his neck like a noose.  She said it subliminally tells people that the girl has control issues and that the guy isn’t manly.  OUCH!)

Finally.  A BACHELOR WEDDING!  Who is pumped?  Who is ready to see these two kids tie the knot?  Who is…

Yeah.  I don’t really care either.

What I would like to see is Melissa as a special correspondant for Good Morning America doing color commentary at their wedding with Our Host Chris Harrison.  She could dance with Tony Dovolani at the reception and really show Jason what he missed out on.

Let’s hear it people.  Is this news?  Is it perfect timing for ABC to churn out a wedding after Wind Beneath My Wings Jake takes flight in January?  It’s your floor.  Have at it in the comment section.

And thanks for all the Our Host Chris Harrison support. He emailed me the other day to let me know how much you guys rock. Keep it up! It’s nice to get lots of comments and traffic on your site. That’s how we bloggers feel love. And as of last night when I sat down to write this thing after suffering through horrendous American Idol tryouts in which I was permanently behind a couch cushion or poking sharp metal objects in my ear, there are almost 100 comments on a post that isn’t even the recap.

I said it last week and I’ll say it again…the Bachelor is BACK!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
(Please read from last week, because I can’t cut and paste. I’m in an antiquated place that doesn’t have Internet access and webMAN is actually doing all the work this week. LOVE YOU WEBMAN!)

We begin this week’s episode at Jason’s house, watching Ty pack all of his tiny belongings in a Lightning McQueen suitcase. I was a little confused at first, assuming that Jason was helping Ty pick out the perfect ensemble to wear on their first group date. Little did I know that Jason has decided to let Ty go stay with his Mom. I’m guessing it was a legal matter. Ty’s Mom didn’t want him in a brothel for the next month perhaps? She feels that seeing boobs out by the pool is a bit too much for a three-year-old? Maybe she’s afraid he will mistake Megan’s super fun red alcoholic beverage for some tropical punch Kool-Aid. Or maybe the inevitable happened. Ty landed himself a gig of his own and he’s working to contribute to his college fund. You go Ty.

Meanwhile, Our Host Chris Harrison is looking all cute in a purple striped number and welcomes the girls to their mansion. They answer, “GOOD MORNING CHRIS” in unison which always makes me cringe. My own personal nails on the chalkboard. I’m just saying.

The intern helps Stephanie with her 15 suitcases of shoes and accessories, liquors the girls up with mimosas and herds them all downstairs to pow wow with Chris Harrison. The girls are so excited to be in their new house and can’t wait for the date boxes to arrive.

But wait. This season…we have a TWIST! Not all of them will be going on a date with Jason every week.

Bum, Bum, BUM! I have to admit…it’s a good twist.

Even though I can’t remember who Naomi was at this time, she thinks this idea sucks.

Boobs, Butts and Booze

Jason shows up out of the blue at the girls’ house to hang out by the pool. He is interested in seeing how they look and act when they are just being themselves.

Here’s what we learn:

• Kari was upset that she didn’t have makeup on. Fortunately, she was able to achieve optimum hair height on her poof. That was close!

• Jason pulls Megan aside and reassures her that even though she got the courtesy rose set aside for Bachelorettes who do not posses Bachelorette qualities according to other Bachelorettes, he wants her here. Even if she is wearing a weird terrycloth wrap up from 1980.

• Jillian asks Jason to come to the side of the pool so she can straddle him chicken fight style. She wants to show him her goofy side. Because the hot dog thing wasn’t goofy enough. Then they talk about ketchup and mustard while feeding each other fajitas…the perfect poolside snack.

• Shannon the stalker has ginormous boobs and is ready to have Jason as a hubby. She reveals this while rubbing suntan lotion on his back and shoulders. Afterwards, she tells him that all her girlfriends are married and currently pregnant at the moment. She feels left out and is ready to be a Mom.

• All the girls who didn’t shave their armpits that morning are inside because they are embarrassed. Luckily, they were able to hear the ABC intern ring the doorbell, signaling that there is a possible date box outside. To their surprise, it’s a ROSE and note for Jason held securely by a white poker chip. Classy.

• Armpit hair girls travel together (for solidarity reasons) and present the note/rose to Jason, interrupting Nikki’s speech on how some girls are not in this for the right reasons.

• The girl I always think looks like a stranger and Jason talk about charity work at Shannon the stalker throws ice at them on the balcony.

• Sweet Stephanie decides to take control and makes a couple of margaritas and saunters over to Jason, who is talking to Spray Tan Natalie. Instead of being mean and stealing him away, she stands there awkwardly. She finally tells Jason that she would like to talk when they are done, takes her walk of shame back to the cabana with the other girls and drinks both margaritas herself. Nikki thinks she should have been more aggressive.

• Jason gives the rose to Jillian and her hot dogs. Alas! Jillian has to get ready in like five minutes! Lauren, who was originally upset that she didn’t get a rose, is totally fine now. Because she would have had to wear her hair curly on the date and that would have freaked her out because she wouldn’t have had the time to Chi it properly. She’s now stoked that she didn’t get the rose. CLOSE CALL!

Solo Date One

Jillian the Hot Dog Girl

Dinner and Dancing at Disney Hall

Lord help me if the cast of Disney’s Aladdin sings “A Whole New World” on this date.

Jillian and Jason eat chocolate covered strawberries. FYI…those are sort of hard to eat. Very juicy. She needed a napkin, but didn’t have one. That can be awkward. But not when you are Jillian. This chick’s from Canada, yah? She can roll with it. She’s not sour-croat at all. (Read sauerkraut in Canadian accent.) She’s dated enough croats (Jillian word) and is ready to move on to some mustard.

And what better way to do that than a personal concert by the guy who serenades me in my dreams…Robin Thicke. My girl Jillian owns this once-in-a-lifetime moment, grabs Jason off the couch and starts getting down. And let me say that they were pretty good with Robin all up in their grill! I was impressed.

The tune changes to soft and mellow. The pair return to the couch and snuggle into each other while balancing their champagne flutes. Then Jason can’t help it. He leads her to the dance floor again while Rob plunks it out on the piano. Man that crooner is sexy! Jason says that Jillian is fun and easy to talk to. He says it’s the most intimate date he’s ever been on. (Beats that shark thing you did with DD, huh Jason?) Robin crescendos, kicks the piano stool away and gives Jason the perfect environment in which to plant the perfect kiss. And he follows through. Go Jason! Robin is stoked. So cute. Jason dips Jillian at the end. Nice. I’m a sucker for a dancer. You may have just upgraded from Melba toast my friend.

Solo Date Two

Melissa the Cheerleader

Magic Eight Ball Blimp

Just before Melissa heads upstairs to pack all of her belongings, she gets a detailed description of Jillian’s date, including the magical kiss they shared on the dance floor. Poor Melissa starts to get bummed out, but quickly lifts her own mood by giving herself spirit sprinkles in the bathroom mirror. She dresses in her favorite tank top and scarf and leaves the mansion for an awesome date.

We learn that Melissa is super nervous because she hasn’t been on a date in forever because she’s had the same boyfriend since she was 15. Her fellow cheerleaders encouraged her to try-out for the Bachelor because that is a sure fire way to beat the dating blues. Date on national TV!

Jason meets her by the seashore and forces her to chug down an oyster. He says you should just go fast and swallow it whole.

Because normal people in this world know that THAT is the only method in being able to stomach one of these slimy creatures. If I had been there, I would have told her to hold her nose for good measure. But that’s just me. It might be my opinion…but it’s the truth.

Melissa takes his advice, shoots the oyster tequila style and proceeds to choke, dab watery eyes and snot her way through a conversation about how she wants to be a first grade teacher. Jason feels bad because he had already stereotyped this chick the first night. He’s impressed that her future goals do not consist of liberties and two minutes dances to anything on the 1995 Jock Jams CD. This girl wants something more rewarding in her life besides being Miss October in the DCC calendar. Jason is happy to learn that she is passionate about kids and admits that she surprised him in every way possible.

Later, we find Jason and Melissa on a rock formation, watching the sun set and waves crash. Melissa notices that something strange in the distance is headed towards them.

It’s the Goodyear Blimp. And it’s has a digital sign that reads, “Hello Melissa!”

Oh this freaks our cheerleader out! Sure she’s seen this contraption floating over Texas Stadium every single home game, but this one knows her name!

Jason encourages Melissa to ask the blimp a question.

Melissa: “Will I get a rose tonight?”

Magic 8 Ball Blimp: “Too early to tell.”

Ouch. I’m going to go ahead and say that the ABC Psychotherapist is the wizard who is behind the emerald curtain in this scenario. You know Jason was sweating bullets when she asked that…mentally chanting, “Don’t commit to anything. Don’t commit to an answer. Keep it vague.” And did she deliver.

Sadly, the ABC Psychotherapist assumed that Melissa would freak out with this answer and we could have a little drama on the beach. Melissa admits that the answer stung, but follows up with another bold question.

Melissa: “Will I get a kiss tonight?”

Magic 8 Ball Blimp: “Signs point to yes.”

Lincee: “Am I going to throw up any time during the remainder of this date?”

Magic 8 Ball Blimp: “It is certain.”

Jason is stoked that the ABC Psychotherapist left the gate wide open for him to make out with the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader. This is definitely going in his scrapbook!

After the two unlatch from each other, Jason asks if she wants to go for a ride in the Magic 8 Ball Blimp. Melissa is speechless. But her mouth is open wide. (That was literally in my notes!)

Whilst in the Magic 8 Ball Blimp, Jason asks Melissa (in that robotic head phone voice) if she would accept the date rose while she affectionately twists his leg hair into tiny knots. As if on cue, they both lower their microphones on the headset and lean in for a passionate kiss.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that was a second take. I’m sure they totally leaned in, bumped microphones, created all sorts of feedback and laughed hysterically. The ABC cameraman was cool enough to give them another take because Melissa signed a calendar for “his son” and all was well.

After the date, Melissa reminds us that she is 25 (I see that as being a problem FYI) and it has been forever since she’s been on a date. We get it Mel. The last time you two stepped with a boy was the Pi Beta Phi Firedance at Baylor. Which wasn’t really at Baylor, because the Baptist school didn’t allow dancing on campus back then. And it didn’t count because your dress was a little too binding to really get down and do the Tootsie Roll. You’ve waited long enough. Your Magic 8 Ball date was perfect. Now go write a cheer about it in your diary.

Group Date

Natalie, Erica, Naomi, Nikki, Lauren, Kari, Sharon, Mollie

Let’s put the glam into Hollywood glamour

Jason is pumped to take eight of the girls on a date. They start off in a dress shop where each girl is allowed to pick out an outfit…everything from accessories to shoes. Erica makes a beeline for the shiny fabric section. Nikki wonders if anything will fit her tiny waist and huge rack without having her beauty queen seamstress available to alter. Lauren sulks in a corner because Jason hasn’t noticed her in the last two minutes. Kari uses the lighted mirrors in the dressing room to pluck her eyebrows. Sharon feels giddy. Mollie plots her next move and Spray Tan Natalie tells Jason through teary eyes that it has been a dream of hers for a guy to take her to a shop and let her buy whatever she wanted. She hugs him with a death grip and thanks him for making her dreams come true.

Time to get a new dream there Natalie. How about this one? My dream is that Jason cease and desist from wearing graphic t-shirts with vests. It’s sad.

And what group date would be complete without the girls parading around in skimpy bikinis? Jason starts to feel the mood is getting too serious, so he suggested they all talk about their secret hidden talents.

Jason does the robot and some basic break dancing moves. Luckily, he doesn’t take himself too seriously and I am able to forgive him for making me hide behind my laptop screen as my Mom and sister laugh hysterically.

Kari, Molly and Sharon decide to do a synchronized swimming routine.

Insert Jim Halpert face here.

Molly decides that the synchronized swimming debacle may have hurt her chances for a rose. In order to capture Jason’s attention in a good way, she pulls him up to the comfy couch section (complete with furry animal blankets…thank you intern) and confides in Jason that she has an even better talent than what he’s just witnessed.

Jason: “What’s your talent?”

Lincee: “Oh vomit. I don’t even know what she’s going to say, but vomit.”

Molly: “I’m a good kisser.”

Lincee: “Of course you are.”

Molly: “Wanna see?”

Jason: “You are pretty talented.”

Lincee: “Magic 8 Ball Blimp. Will Molly drive me nuts the rest of the date?”

Magic 8 Ball: “You betcha!”

Back in the swimming pool, Spray Tan Natalie points and giggles, announcing that Molly and Jason are making out in the Lion’s Den. Nikki freaks out and requests that Spray Tan stop talking about other people’s private and intimate moments. She does not and will not tolerate this behavior.

Later we learn that Nikki has only kissed one person since she was 17. It was her ex-boyfriend of 11 years who clearly was not ready to get married. Miss Illinois has resorted to reality television as her next step into the dating world. She and Melissa must be drinking the same water.

Because Nikki is more mature than the rest, she will not resort to kissing Jason just to get ahead of the game. She will, however, lay horizontally with him in the furry animal blanket pit and throw other girls under the bus by confessing to Jason that there are some Bachelorettes who are NOT, I repeat NOT, ready to be Moms. Jason is THIS CLOSE to asking Nikki who these girls are, but decides to not let her sabotage. He hasn’t even kissed everyone yet!

Later, the girl who we never remember named Naomi decides to get real with Jason and tell him that she really cares about him. She wants them to be more than friends, but if anything—she is there for him.

This was her way of showing her true feelings, therefore, she assumes she will be rewarded with a kiss. Poor Jason translates the heart-to-heart as “I just wanna be friends” and goes in to hug her, turning his head at the last second. Naomi’s pursed lips meet his jaw line and awkwardness ensues.

There was an explosion of “NOOOOOOOOOO” from my family. I think my Dad even yelled, “DENIED!”

Jason feels awful that he misinterpreted the signs. He gives her a token kiss for her efforts.

I can now say with confidence that I will remember who Naomi is from now on.

As the night comes to an end, Jason bestows the date rose on Molly and everyone else rolls their eyes. He takes them all home, walks them to the door and heads back to his limo for some rest and relaxation.

Little did he know that Brazil had paid the ABC cameraman $20 to let her inside so she could wait for him. This isn’t the ABC cameraman’s first rodeo. He knows that the producers love drama. He takes the $20, gets a couple of shots of the intern opening the door to Brazil saying, “Hola!” and secretly celebrates the fact that he’s going to get either a raise or a bonus without even trying! The case is on him tonight intern! Whoo hoo! Brazil waits inside doing her best yoga breathing.

Jason meanders up to the Yukon, opens the door and is greeted by this stalker chick who ironically is not Shannon. She yells, “Surprise!” and Jason eyes the driver as if to say, “What the heck man?”

Brazil confronts him, questioning why he did not choose her to go on a date this week? She reminds him that she wants to stay and that her intuition tells her that Jason is her husband. Jason politely thanks her, bids her adios and shoves her out of the back passenger side door.

Rose Ceremony

Jason pulls Erica aside and asks her why her attitude changed after the shopping pool party. Erica admits that she was disappointed she didn’t get a rose. Jason admires her for telling the truth.

Wow. I expect people to tell the truth. Interesting.

Lauren, in her favorite Carmen Miranda dress, confesses that she isn’t totally comfortable with this whole Bachelor thing and wonders why it isn’t more of a two-way street.

Hi Lauren? It’s Lincee. Are you aware that you are on a show called The Bachelor? The commercials talk about how 25 women compete for the love of one man. Did you not get that memo? Look alive girl.

Jason says that he needs to pay more attention to Lauren. Lincee says that Jason digs her or she would be gone by now after that comment.

Hey look! It’s Nikki! Guess what she’s talking about? How these girls don’t know what it will take to uproot their lives and start over with an insta-family.

Jason makes his way over to Shannon…who immediately asks him, “Do you remember my name?” Jason laughs uncomfortably and mumbles, “Shannon” and sits in astonishment as she plays the begat game.

“You remembered my name! You are so smart. And so cute! OK. Let’s play a game about how well I know you. Ty’s birthday is January 24. You have a mole on your right butt cheek that is in the shape of a cloud. I think you should get that checked out by the way even though YOU ARE SO CUTE! I know that your Mom was a drum major in the high school band and you have a tendency to only eat Tic Tacs in odd numbers. Which is ADORABLE! Your license plate is VQD 179 and you hate the Mariners even though you are a die hard Seattle fan. The playlist entitled “Get Er Done” on your iPod is super kinky and I want you to know that I have a similar one on mine titled “Jason’s Love Tunes” that I listen to while taking bubble baths and reading Bride magazine. You are adorable. And I’m super pumped that I’m going to get a rose in a dress that pairs my two favorite colors from eight grade…purple and fuchsia. Your teeth are hot.”

Meanwhile, Courtesy Rose Megan asks Stephanie what happened with her previous marriage. Stephanie proceeds to give a ladylike answer to a very hard question and the girls bawl like babies. Stephanie consoles them all like the mother hen she is and tells them that she is not there to talk about how wonderful her husband was. She is in this to talk about how great Jason is. Later she thanks give for being a truly awesome guy. She confesses that she’s nervous, but that’s where her faith comes through. And we all cry again.

Jason has some alone time with random girl Lisa who discloses that her grandmother is really ill and it’s best is she leaves the show to be with her family. Jason thinks this is very admirable and escorts Lisa to the other girls so they can see first hand what it means to truly love your family. The girls hap heartedly wave their goodbyes and then proceed to tell the camera that they are all happy she is gone. Lauren hoists up her Carmen Miranda dress so that her strapless bra is no longer showing and flat out admits that she doesn’t care that random girl is gone.

Megan finally scores some alone time with the Bachelor and talked about how stressful her day typically is between her kid, soccer and lacrosse. Just when she’s about to get into an intimate conversation, Molly the talented kisser steals Jason away.

This does not sit well with Megan. And I have to say, I can’t blame her. Molly already has a rose. I personally get a bad vibe from Molly.

Megan voices her irritation with the girls. Erica agrees and tells the group that if she had a rose, she wouldn’t take Jason away. That’s just good character.

Cut to Molly and Erica in the kitchen and Erica telling Molly that she supports her. She just did what she had to do and no one is judging.

No one except Molly who walks up to home girl and calls her out. Little did Erica know that Megan was reapplying her eyeliner around the corner from Molly and Erica’s little conversation. They return to the group of girls in the den and get in a very girly drama queen argument about who said what. Very Desperate Future Housewives of them. Erica talks about bad karma and how she’s disappointed in Megan. I personally can’t believe we are still talking about this. I need some of Megan’s tropical punch delight to even make it through the rose ceremony!

Nikki is taking advantage of this time while the others are fighting to ask Jason a very important question:

Nikki: “Do you feel that you have the potential to find a wife here?”

Jason: “Yeppers.”

Nikki: “I want you to know that not everyone is here for the right reasons.”

Lincee: “Seriously? Does she have anything else to contribute?”

Back in the old Pier One bureau room, Our Host Chris Harrison asks Jason about a few of the girls that stood out to him that night.

OHCH: “So how do you like Stephanie? She’s given up a lot to be here.”

Jason: “So sad that she’s going to miss her daughter’s birthday next week. Can you get on that for me Chris? Maybe fly her down here so they can be together? I’d like to make that happen since I’ll be letting her go soon.”

OHCH: “No problem J. I’ll use my miles.

Tonight is tougher. I have to let two women go. On to Lauren. Dude. What was up with her? Needy much? Or just freaked out?

Jason: “Lauren is hot. And used to being the center of attention. I can see why. She let me know that she needs to be noticed. So I will be doing that a lot more in the future. It helps if she isn’t wearing a dress with such bright colors that I have to wear my sunglasses to have a conversation, but that’s fine. She has a nice rack and I appreciate that.”

OHCH: “Good point. Now what about Nikki? Is it driving you nuts that she keeps telling you about who is not in this for the right reasons? Because I am about to pull my hair out. And I know that super cool blogger Lincee is too. What are your thoughts?

Jason: “We have a ton in common. She’s easy to talk to and really cares about things ending up right for me. I trust her.”

OHCH: “I guess I can see that. But dude. Shannon. Total stalker. I’m telling you to run…run the opposite direction right now.”

**Our Host Chris Harrison is hit with a tazered by producers and forced to retract his previous statement.**

OHCH: “If you let me finish my sentence, I was going to say to run…run in the opposite direction to a jewelry store and get that girl a ring. This is good TV my friend!”

Jason: “She’s funny and seems to know a lot about me. That’s flattering. It’s cool to have someone who is a fan.”

OHCH: “I’ll tell you who is a fan. And her name is Brazil.”

Jason: “No joke Chris! That chick attacks me in the limo. What was that about? I get that she wants to be noticed, but get a life Brazil. I DID NOT PICK YOU. TAKE THE HINT.”

OHCH: “She took it alright. I wouldn’t be making any trips to South America in the near future. What about Megan? Are you aware of all the drama that surrounds that girl?”

Jason: “When you are that pretty, it happens.”

Jason finally narrows it down and makes a decision to give roses to the following:

Megan (This is a statement that he announced her first.)

Nikki

Lauren

Naomi

Stephanie

Kari

Natalie

Shannon (Again says YES before he asks her to accept rose.)

Erica (Grabs Jason’s hand to feel her boob/heartbeat.)

Poor Sharon. She needs a job. And to put on about 20 pounds. Poor girl.

And Brazil is so confused. She probably wonders why she and Jason never sang “You’re So Vain” together. Or maybe she wonders why no one offered for her to “frost” herself with a ginormous yellow diamond. Truly this is what she thought the night had in store for her when she wore the exact same dress Kate Hudson wore in “How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days.”

Bless both their hearts.

Next week, Stephanie gets a surprise and head concussion when she literally runs in to her daughter Sophia. Fun times!

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

Hello there friends! Who knew Melba toast would get saucy and kiss a bunch of girls in the second episode? Go Jason!  Too bad I’m in the piney woods of East Texas and can’t write the recap this morning. I’ll be driving around Louisiana today in 30 degree weather without a coat. You may feel sorry for me.

In the meantime, use the comment section to discuss last night’s episode. I’ll get you started: do you feel that a scarf paired with a tank top is in the same fashion category as wearing Uggs with shorts?

Don’t forget to check out my boy Chris Harrison’s blog on Entertainment Weekly’s website.

Recap coming tonight. Have a great day!

The Bachelor is back people. And even though I think that Jason is still a little too Melba toast, there was at least had a little seasoning last night. He’s more like the Melba toast you find in Gardetto’s. But still…Melba toast.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not all THAT bad. Heck…just seeing adorable Ty makes all the difference in the world. Someone needs to get that kid on the Disney Channel or a Baby Gap commercial. Seriously. Cute with a capital Q! And the constant running into each other’s arms as he screams, “DADDY” from the top of his lungs? Be still my heart.

So let’s dig in. There are 25 women to meet, judge and laugh at as we send 10 packing.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Christmas candy or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelors on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Re-Meet Jason
America watched as the single dad fell in love with DDAHnna Pappas. We get to re-live all of the fancy dates and making out sessions that led Jason to the point of no return as he skips down the cobblestone path to ask DD to be his bride. ABC tortures the viewing audience by showing our Bachelor drop to one knee, profess his love for about five minutes and then get his heart trampled on by DD in her pointy three-inch heels.

It took one little “Welcome Home Daddy” sign from a three-year-old for Jason to know that he was going to be okay. He was convinced that he could love again. His heart is healed. Probably from all the pull ups and jump roping shirtless. I know seeing that helped my heart, but whatever.

Jason decides to bring Ty along to LA to find his new Mommy. And brother Larry joins them to help push Ty in the swing out back while Jason does push ups on the brick wall. He is convinced that this proposal will stick. Because third time’s a charm, right?

The Bachelorettes
THERE’S OUR HOST CHRIS HARRISON! Oh we’ve missed you and your witty ways Chris Harrison. Whoever is in charge of getting Ty a gig on an ABC soap opera, needs to find this dude his own show that supports his humor. WE LOVE YOU OHCH!

Let’s meet the 25 ladies who get the chance to win Jason’s heart:

Ann
Flight Attendant
Phoenix
24
Why you remember her: Wow. I’m off to a great start. I have no recollection and not a single note written down for this chick. Sorry Ann.
Status: NO ROSE

Dominique
Medical Sales
Pennsylvania
26
Why you remember her: Dom, as she likes to be called, invited the viewing audience to join her in a tour of Small Town, Pennsylvania where you can visit Amish country and take leisurely walks in the park adjacent to a sewage treatment plant. She’s as giggly as a 12-year-old sitting at a co-ed table in the junior high school cafeteria as she explains to Jason that she sells medical equipment for feet. You know…for people who have bunions and hammer toes. Then she nervously tells Jason she’ll have to check his feet out.

Dear, sweet, adorable Dominique. Never…ever…talk or say bunion on national TV again.

Status: NO ROSE

Emily
Casino Rep
Seattle
23
Why you remember her: Emily was the one girl from Seattle and claimed to be the biggest Seahawks fan on the planet. That’s all I’ve got.
Status: NO ROSE

Erica
Account Exec
Connecticut
25
Why you remember her: Erica exits the limo in a short gold dress, saunters up to Jason and says, “Guess where I just came from?” A befuddled Jason (and Lincee) raises his eyebrows and thinks to himself, “Surely she doesn’t mean the limo. Could it be the hotel? That’s just lame. Oh please Chris Harrison. Please tell me she’s not a total ditz, because she’s got a rockin’ body.” Jason closes his mouth, relaxes his jaw and guesses, “New York?” Erica laughs heartily, slaps him on the shoulder and says that she caught a flying fish in Seattle.

Yep. That makes more sense.

Erica is the token loud mouth that likes to have fun. All the girls are immediately annoyed, therefore, she receives second place in the fake “you will be leaving” vote. As we all know, the vote was really that the girl would be leaving with a rose. GOTCHA! Even though Erica claimed that she was hurt by the vote of her peers, she still received a rose from our Bachelor. I’m sure things will be very tense as a result. WAY TO KEEP US ON OUR TOES ABC!!!
Status: ROSE

Jackie
Wedding Planner
Dallas
26
Why you remember her: Jackie admits to a group of competitive girls that she’s been engaged twice, married once and has recently been through a divorce. Yes, it would have been smart keeping this information to yourself on the first night, but when you are working with three gin and tonics, two glasses of champagne and four shots of Jose Cuervo…well…anything’s possible. She’s extremely loud, obnoxious and hates that another girl wore a leopard print dress. Our Host Chris Harrison announces that she received third place in the fake leaving vote and she’s convinced that she will always be a bride planner…never a bride.
Status: NO ROSE

Jillian
Interior Designer
Canada
29
Why you remember her: Jillian works hard, plays hard, is a self proclaimed polish hick and likes to rock the side pony tail. As she greets the Bachelor, she informs him that he needs to find her inside and be prepared to discuss his favorite hot dog topping.

Oh she’s going somewhere with this.

My girl Jill has a theory about hot dog toppings. If your man chooses ketchup, he’s strong, loyal and loves his Mom. If he picks onions, he’ll never get married and sauerkraut is straight up bad news. But if he picks mustard, he’s golden—
down to Earth and marryable. Jill explains this revelation to a few girls as she grills some hot dogs on stove.

Now here’s my question: Did Jillian come with hot dogs and hot dog preparations? Probably not. I can see it now. Jillian approaches the producer and submits her idea, saying that her hot dog theory is a recipe for good TV. The producer agrees and sends the intern in the rejection limo with a $20 to the nearest EZ Mart. DOH! They don’t have sauerkraut! It’s down the street to HEB. Then he fields a phone call from the ABC bartender asking him to pick up a few more bottles of Dom Perignon because Jackie has decided to play a drinking game with Erica. What a night!

Jill plops a weenie in Jason’s bun and waits anxiously as he decides what to put on his dog. After an aggressive squirt of mustard, the kitchen explodes into spontaneous cheering. Jason toasts the ladies with the hot dog and wolfs it in four bites. He washes it down with one of Ty’s Capri Sun juice packets and asks the ABC intern for a mint. We wouldn’t want pig guts on our breath for the rest of the night now would we?

Status: ROSE

Julie
Teacher
Florida
26
Why you remember her: You asked yourself why the chick from ER was on the Bachelor?

Status: NO ROSE

Kari
Advertising Exec
Kansas
27
Why you remember her: Kari was dressed in little short red number with silver heels. She hugged him nine times and talked about how she’s from Dorothy country and has been in a tornado. She also wrote him a poem. It went a little something like this I think:

Is there such thing as love at first sight?
I think there is so believe me…I’m right.
I’m glad that you didn’t wanna
Stay with DeAnna
Because I think you’re fly
And so is your son Ty

Status: ROSE

Lauren
Teacher
Florida
27
Why you remember her: Lauren is the enthusiastic girl in the other leopard print dress who loves life. She teaches government and quizzes Jason. We learn that it’s her birthday and Jason excuses himself for a few minutes. Lauren is STOKED because she assumes that she is getting the first impression rose. Alas, home boy comes back with a little cake that the intern picked up. Luckily, he was just passing the HEB bakery when the ABC psychotherapist called with the request. Jason lights the candle and Lauren blows it out…sad that she was duped but hopeful her birthday wish comes true. Then she doesn’t eat the cake. Jackie, on the other hand…champagne gives her the munchies.
Status: ROSE

Lisa
PR
Idaho
27
Why you remember her: She was in a green formal and babbled on about how there are potatoes in Idaho and he should try some. Oh…and her right false eyelash was a little wompy.
Status: ROSE

Megan
Single Mom and Coach
Pennsylvania
25
Why you remember her: Megan wore an emerald dress that I’m pretty was a design copied straight from Holiday Barbie circa 1998. Jason takes Megan away and they talk about their sons and how Megan loves animals more than people. Interesting, because she’s the one that the girls voted to leave. LEAVE WITH A ROSE! She interjects a pretty hard explicative and the girls agree that they made the correct fake decision in fake kicking her out. Good luck to the Bachelorette who gets her as a roommate!
Status: ROSE

Melissa
Sales Rep
Dallas
25
Why you remember her: Melissa tells us that she was a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader and the ABC camera man, as if on cue, gets a close shot of her cleavage. Nice. She’s very spunky and really, really, really, really wants a rose.
Status: ROSE

Molly
Department Store Buyer
Michigan
24
Why you remember her: Molly is a golfer and asks Jason to show her his best golf swing. I’m no golfer, but I could tell that it was all wrong. Molly, irritated that her opening line crashed and burned, decided to go the competitive route and steal Jason away from the Brazilian princess as she was teaching him to dance.
Status: ROSE

Naomi
Flight Attendant
Austin
24
Why you remember her: She looks a little like Eva Mendes but you probably remember that her dress was the same one my sister wore in 1990 to the Hallsville High School prom. I’m just saying. Naomi is not afraid to slap a b!tch (her words not mine) and toasts DDAHnna for letting Jason go. OPAH!
Status: ROSE

Natalie
HR Recruiter
Chicago
27
Why you remember her: Natalie is the bleach blond chick with the bad spray tan.
Status: ROSE

Nicole
Menswear Buyer
Canada
25
Why you remember her: She tells Jason that she remembered from last season that Ty’s favorite color was orange. So she wore an orange dress. She’s also the one that had to sit and hold back giggles as Kari read her poem.
Status: NO ROSE

Nikki
Admin
Chicago
29
Why you remember her: Sadly, we are first introduced to Nikki as she polishes a table while wearing a crown and a Miss Illinois sash. Our next encounter with Nikki is not really with Nikki but with her boobs. Spilling forth from a black sequins dress, the ABC camera man can’t help but focus in on them. They are all you see. We do HEAR her asking about Ty immediately. Jason says that Nikki is stunning about 17 times and holds her hand while talking about how awesome kids can be. He’s smitten ladies and gentlemen!
Status: First impression rose

Raquel
Med Student
Brazil
27
Why you remember her: Raquel is the brooding Brazilian. The ABC sound mixer plays Spanish telenovela music every time she encounters the Bachelor. She speaks three languages and loves her black and white dress because it accentuates her hips. And she needs that to teach Jason how to salsa. Unfortunately, Molly cuts in and whisks the Bachelor away to a super secret bungalow. But Raquel will not be beaten. With a powerful swelling of music, she sambas her way to Jason and steals him back from Molly. She tells him that he gives her a peace and that she knows this is a good thing.
Status: ROSE

Renee
Jewelry Designer
Los Angeles
36
Why you remember her: Everyone together now…BLESS HER HEART! Oh Renee. Poor, flaky Renee and her freaky vision boards. I am so pumped that ABC hired a sound mixer this year, because Renee is always accompanied by some weird new age music that you would hear at the beginning of a Bikram yoga class. Jason approaches a gaggle of women and asks what they are talking about. Shelby is super eager to tell the Bachelor that Renee is in to the law of attraction. Jason looks quizzically at Renee and the other girls sit back to relax and enjoy the show/train wreck.

Renee says that vision boards help you balance your life. It’s simple really. Take a piece of poster board, cut out words in magazines that have blue and purple auroras around them and paste in whimsical designs. Whatever you put on your board comes true. Renee’s board is full of roses, exotic over night dates, forgo cards and an engagement ring from Tiffany’s. She also has one for her dog and herbal therapist.
Status: NO ROSE

Shannon
Dental Hygienist
Kansas
29
Why you remember her: Squinty Shannon is the one who wore fake teeth as she exited the limo. Get it? She’s a dental hygienist. Too bad she forgot to tell him that at the beginning, because the joke would have made more sense. Shannon is also our resident Jason know-it-all.

“Jason. I’m so happy to be here. I’m a 29-year-old Gemini who loves walks in the park and a good teeth cleaning. Don’t worry. I’m not a stalker. I just memorized your Facebook page. You are a 32-year-old single Dad born on July 5. You are generous, sweet, love your younger brother Larry who is dating a girl named Shannon…LIKE ME…and your older brother Ted. Not a stalker really. Anyone could know this stuff. You live at 2483 Seattle Way (I have a friend who works for the Department of Transportation there) and take one packet of sugar and two creams in your morning coffee (you’d be surprised what you can learn from a person’s garbage) before you head out to jog five miles each and every morning. You have exactly 47 ties and I think it’s adorable that you allow Ty to choose the one you will wear to work. Totally not stalking you. Just a fan. Oh. And I love your teeth. They make me want to pull out my tools and drill something.”

Status: ROSE

Sharon
Teacher…but currently unemployed
New York
32
Why you remember her: In the most awkward moment of the night (behind the sofa cushion worthy) Sharon walks up to Jason and sort of half-way starts dancing with him. She then admits that it was a way to hold his hands. LAME! C’mon Sharon. Get your head in the game. She admits that she left her job as a high school Spanish teacher to come across the country to find true love. She believes in destiny, fate and feels there is a strong connection even though the Brazilian supermodel stole her dance moves.
Status: ROSE

Shelby
Account Exec
California
23
Why you remember her: Shelby is the one that threw Vision Board Renee under the bus when Jason walked up. She also told Jason that she was from Stockton and that it wasn’t that great of a place. Maybe she was trying to casually hint that she would be willing to move to Seattle? No clue.
Status: NO ROSE

Stacia
Single Mom and Charity Accountant
Utah
24
Why you remember her: Stacia wore a long gown made of purple sequins and told Jason he was a gorgeous man.
Status: NO ROSE

Stephanie
Single Mom and Medical Marketing Rep
Alabama
34
Why you remember her: Wow. How could you forget? Stephanie’s husband was killed in a plane crash and she seems genuinely happy to meet Jason. She tells him she is ready to love again. Jason sees they have lots of similarities in their life and that she is a truly amazing person.
Status: ROSE

Treasure
Single Mom and Nurse Practitioner
Utah
28
Why you remember her: You wondered where her pole was when she exited the limo and knew that the ABC intern was secretly counting how many singles he had in his wallet. Then you felt bad because Treasure is her real name. Then you forgot about her until just now because you never saw or heard from her again.
Status: NO ROSE

ROSE CEREMONY
In the deliberation room, we find that the infamous Pier One bureau has been replaced with a wall of fame showcasing each of the Bachelorette bio photos. There’s Jillian with that side pony tail again. Seriously?

Our Host Chris Harrison asks Jason about a few of the girls who stood out.

OHCH: Jason. How do you feel about Shannon knowing all that information about you? Impressive or creepy?
Jason: I thought it showed initiative.
Lincee: I think you need to have the ABC psychotherapist on duty 24/7 and maybe a restraining order on standby. I’m just saying.

OHCH: What about Raquel?
Jason: She’s incredibly sexy.
Lincee: How funny if a mariachi band followed her around instead of the telenovela music?

OHCH: What about Sharon leaving her job for you?
Jason: I would never give her a rose just because she did that.
Lincee: But you did. SUCKER!

So the first rose ceremony is over and roses go to:

Nikki: the first impression beauty queen with boobs
Megan: Holiday Barbie with a potty mouth
Lauren: Staci Keebler look alike/birthday girl
Kari: Poem girl
Naomi: Eva Mendes with a back tat
Natalie: Uneven tan girl
Molly: Dance stealer
Raquel: Telenovela supermodel
Stephanie: Sophia’s Mom
Melissa: The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader
Jillian: MUSTARD!
Shannon: Stalker that responded “I thought you would never ask” before Jason asked if she would accept the rose
Lisa: Wompy eyelash girl
Sharon: VIVA EL BACHELOR Y SALSA
Erica: The one who’d chug a beer with Jason while playing guessing games

Poor Stacia is shocked. Renee is consulting her vision board and concludes that she must be in the MIDDLE of it and skips off to cut out more words from LA Yoga Magazine. Jackie feels that he missed out on something great and is upset that she already planned her wedding to Jason. It was going to be on the beach people!

Back in the main house, Jason toasts the remaining 15 girls in a salute to what will be a great year! OPAH someone yells and Stalker Shannon gives that girl a dirty look. Doesn’t she know that DDAHnna was sort of Greek? She jerks her to the side and starts Jason’s story from the beginning. Meanwhile, Raquel suggests they all yell SALUD and Sharon rolls her eyes. Trumped again by the Portuguese girl!

SCENES FROM NEXT WEEK
Apparently, there is going to be a lot of Jason shirtless and hoisting of strapless dresses. And the dude is not afraid to makeout with all the girls. It appears that Megan attacks him on a pool table, but as my friend Jill pointed out, she thinks this is some sort of skit. They seem to be holding scripts in their hands. Let’s hope for that, shall we?

And just when we think it’s going to be all hot tubs and helicopter rides, DD apparently shows up. She professes that she made a mistake with Jesse and that she wants to stay. We see Stalker Shannon hyperventilating and Jason having some sort of seizure as he leans over his balcony wall. WHY TORTURE ME ABC? WHY?

But then it’s back to kissing a bunch of girls and apparently an engagement in a garden of ferns. Pretty.

Well? What did you guys think? Did you have a friend who ruined the DDAHnna moment by calling you up to ask why she was back before you were finished watching the show? (Thanks Reid.) Did you think Jason was Melba toast? Could you eat little Ty up on a piece of that Melba toast when he gave his Dad the thumbs up sign? Will Jillian have other theories she needs to test with various food items? The list is endless. Let’s discuss.

Oh…and head on over to Entertainment Weekly to check out Our Host Chris Harrison’s blog. Dude totally has my dream job…

All about the fame, not the shame,

Lincee