I’m LOVING Gary the camera guy’s shot around the 59 second mark. And there apparently seems to be a ton more cleavage this year than I remember from seasons of yore. If this is what we have in store for the “On the Wings of Love” Bachelor Jake, we are in for an amazing ride.
I mean…an amazing flight.
Buckle your seat belts people. And grab your barf bag just in case. We are CLEAR for take off!
Thanks so much for your patience guys. Sorry this is so late. Please excuse all errors or mistakes. I busted this out and am running to catch a plane!
It’s been an interesting season to say the least. The most dramatic for sure. I shall miss the ramblings of Stalker Shannon, the carefree wardrobe choices from Stephanie and words of bleach blond wisdom from Natalie. This show single handedly brought back neck scarves, side pony tails and hula hoops. What other reality show can say that?
So where do I stand with the show? Let me assure you, I’ll get to that later on. Right now, let’s discuss Monday night in detail.
Meeting the Mesnicks
Jason decides that it’s time to throw his kid a bone and spend some time with him on the beaches of New Zealand. He asks the ABC intern to pull the tape from Stephanie’s reunion with little Sophie and straight up copies the whole moment, right down to the wallowing in the wet sand. He then tells little Ty that they are going to be two strange women hanging around for the next few hours and they are Daddy’s special friends. And then he prepares them for the possibility of barnyard animals. Ty looks just as confused as we did.
Melissa arrives first. She runs down a lush, green, New Zealand meadow into the loving embrace with Jason. He picks her up and twirls her. She wraps her legs around him. They decide to sit on the side of the road in the middle of said meadow and talk about the pending meeting with Ty. Melissa is worried that this will make or break her. Jason encourages her to just be herself as they head to the golf course.
Note to reader: ABC produces chose Melissa for the golf course play date because they were afraid Molly would become too competitive and Ty would somehow leave the 9th hole without his pants. And that’s just creepy.
Almost immediately, Ty is sucked in to Melissa’s kindergarten teacher ways with one knock-knock joke and is high fiving her on the putting green. Jason says that they built a bond within minutes and therefore trusts Melissa to be alone with Ty while he runs to get a surprise. Ty never really notices that he is alone with a stranger, because Gary the camera man is there too, and Ty is waaaaayyyy used to seeing him around. Just as the little guy begins to get anxious, wondering aloud where his surprise is, our Bachelor shows up with a little lamb.
Huh. Anyone else think this was extremely random?
Ty grabs the lamb’s mouth and babbles on about wanting him to talk. I’m going out on a limb to assume Charlotte’s Web was showing on the airplane to New Zealand, but whatever. Luckily, Melissa is able to regurgitate a joke from a Laffy Taffy wrapper about a sheep and Ty dissolves into a fit of giggles. She totally could have whipped something out about a cow, kitten and chicken crossing the road if needed. She’s full of them.
Back at the compound, Jason’s family is ready to put Melissa through the wringer. Jason’s brothers are irritated and complain about how DDAHnna is a terrible person and they don’t want to see Jason hurt again. Melissa says that wherever Jason is…is where her heart is and they seem okay with that answer.
The brothers also talk about how Jason didn’t meet Melissa’s family. Mom perks up and wonders what is wrong with Melissa’s parents. Melissa says that they have been misrepresented. They are really happy people. One of the brothers says that Jason may not propose since he didn’t get to ask the Dad for his daughter’s hand.
Melissa: “You guys seem really cynical.”
Brothers: “No duh. This show sucks and we don’t want to go through another heartbreak. I get embarrassed when Jason cries all the time.”
Melissa: “Am I scared to move to Seattle? No.”
Brothers: “That’s what that DD chick said too. And we all know how that turned out. Jason crying in a rejection limo with grass stains on one knee. What about being Stepmom to Ty? Have you thought about that? Are you prepared for what can happen in a three-year-old world? Do you know any knock-knock jokes?”
Melissa: “Knock, knock.”
Brothers: “Who’s there?”
Melissa: “Boo.”
Brothers: “Boo who?”
Melissa: “Stop crying like your brother! That kid already loves me. I’m golden!”
As if on cue (surprise, surprise) Ty busts out of the compound onto the back porch and races in a circle around the table the trio are sitting at and chants that he wants to play with Mel.
Meanwhile, the cute Dad delivers a beautiful Hallmark moment to Jason about how it’s his time in life to be happy. He tells him that he sees a sparkle back in Jason’s eyes. Jason cries.
We hear a voiceover from Jason as he longingly looks out the back window at his family and Melissa recreating Wrestlemania IV in the backyard.
Jason: “Mel is amazing. When she looks, touches and holds me, there’s not a better feeling in the world. And she clearly understands the importance of knowing how to correctly execute The Sleeper. And I’m sort of turned on that she chose to be the Ultimate Warrior because that florescent paint looks great on her.”
Jason turns to the intern and asks if the paint is edible.
Molly
Later that day (this we know because Jason was wearing the same outfit), Jason greets Molly as she exits the black sedan. Embrace. Twirl. Kiss. You know the drill. He escorts her down to the beach where Ty is waiting with Gary the camera guy. What we don’t see is that Gary, who has been given tips from the ABC Psychotherapist, is using modeling clay exercises to help Ty explain his feelings and how the past few months have been very strange. This is why Ty was in a somber mood when he first meets Mol.
I have to say that I wished…out loud…that he would call her Melissa. But he didn’t.
Molly’s voice goes up a couple of octaves and her eyes widen a little more as she greets Ty who is brooding at the picnic table. Jason encourages him to say hello or give Mol a high five but Ty is having none of it. Jason asks the intern to go fetch him a turtle or something, but he is forced to throw a Frisbee instead. Ty only throws with his Dad at first, but soon warms up to Molly. It’s out of fear mostly, because she will not have a step son who can’t catch a Frisbee. She comes from a long line of WINNERS and he WILL learn how to CATCH now CATCH IT!
Opting for something a little less stressful, the three go to the water’s edge to look for beach rings. Then they all roll up their pants and jump waves. Seriously…if you saw the Stephanie/Sophia date at the beach, you saw this one.
Mol: “It was like we were a little family on vacation in New Zealand. I would love to do this when we are married. I’m not quite sure if Jason has a job, but mine takes me anywhere. We could come here once a quarter and have a picnic. I’m sure the nanny wouldn’t mind packing one up for us. Maybe I can hire that intern to be my personal assistant or something. Or maybe Hare will send us somewhere for free! I’m just looking forward to our 16 minutes of fame. We have to beat Trista and Ryan. Maybe if I get pregnant right away. That would be ideal. And a TV wedding? One can only dream! But I refuse to have pink and blue sand at my ceremony. That’s tacky. Can I borrow your phone to see if the Club is available this June?”
Molly is also nervous about meeting the Mesnicks. She sucks up right away and blabs on about how Jason’s world is Ty and she finds that so refreshing. The Mesnicks ask if she is ready to be a Mom and Molly ironically answers that her family is okay with it.
Molly: “My Daddy is the most important person in my life. He told me that I never looked so happy. Well, I usually look this way when I’m about to say GIN RUMMY or birdie a really hard shot. It didn’t surprise them at all that I like Jason. It’s because I’m a winner that they are so excited. I’m in love with Jason too. I’ve told him this.”
Mr. Mesnick: “You play golf?”
Molly: “Very well, sir.”
Mr. Mesnick: “Welcome to the family.”
Outside, the brothers give Molly the same song and dance they gave Melissa.
Brothers: “We are tired of seeing our brother get hurt. He cries way too much. Would this bother you? Being the ‘man’ in the relationship?”
Molly: “I’m very secure in saying that I am in love with Jason. All I can ask is for you to trust me.”
Brothers: “But you seem like you are the type of girl who would go out to the bar and hustle people for money at the pool table. Maybe play some quarters for fun. Are you ready to always be in the house and never go out?”
Molly: “I’m looking for something deeper and want to settle down.”
Brothers: “Are you going to get him to stop crying all the time?”
Molly: “I’m already working on that.”
Back in the front yard, Jason feels that the best place to talk with his Mom is sitting on the grass with a blanket overlooking the sunset. Nice natural lighting ABC. Could we have not drug a bench or something for Mom? She clearly had trouble getting up and down, but whatever.
They talk about how Molly is career oriented and how he can’t get enough of her. Then they talk about how Melissa’s family is shady. Jason begins to cry on his Mom’s shoulder and tells her that he doesn’t know what to do. Mom encourages him to trust his gut until the very end. Then she holds a Kleenex up so he can blow his nose like a good boy.
Melissa One-On-One
Melissa is back to wearing her Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader shorty shorts. I guess these shorts are magic, because in a never-before-seen moment in Bachelor history, Melissa is using a telephone to call her parents so she can guilt trip them into talking to Jason on the phone. They break down and agree, but insist that she calls back when it is daylight in Dallas and not in the middle of the night.
Melissa is super stoked to tell Jason that she’s arranged for him to talk to her parents. Jason says that he’s arranged for them to go on a boat in the rain and jump in cold water. Melissa squeals, hops in his arms, wraps her legs around him and gives him spirit sprinkles all at once. The clouds have aligned! She is so happy.
But geez! That water is COLD, yo?
They wrap themselves in New Zealand beach towels and shiver in the rain, waiting to get back to a hot shower or hot tub or hot bath in the middle of the meadow.
The camera cuts to our dynamic duo in Mel’s bed. She’s talking non-stop about how much she loves him and genuinely wants him to believe how she has fallen head over heels. She tells the camera she longs to hear an I love you back. Jason tells her that he has to go. Doh!
Molly One-On-One Time
Molly greets Jason in the rain. Run, embrace, twirl, blah, blah, blah.
But hold the phone. Molly is taking charge of this date. She has something planned. Jason asks if it’s calling her parents? She coyly shakes her head no and says that this activity is just for the two of them.
They enter a massage parlor, complete with two beds. A couple’s massage! But wait! Where are the massagers? It’s only Gary, boom mic and intern…
Molly barks an order for Jason to strip down. He does and she does. ABC reminds them that this is prime time television and makes them put on bathing suits. They reluctantly do so and Jason hops on the table. There’s a quick crotch shot of Molly as she rubs down Jason’s back with half a bottle of baby oil. Her red nails are scratching into his back as the camera gets another quick crotch shot. Jason moans something inaudible. I might have been able to read his lips, but the camera was focused on Molly’s crotch. As we see another angle of Molly’s crotch, there is a voiceover telling the crotch-viewing audience that she likes to take control and boss Jason around. She then tells him to FLIP OVER. She straddles his body, and begins to dry hump. I half expected a leather whip to mysteriously appear in her right hand, but I’m sure that was later on in the “Bachelor After Dark” bonus reel that Gary will post on YouTube ten years from now.
Two words:
Pine. Apple.
Molly shows how domestic she is by cooking Jason a wholesome delicious meal from her freezes beautifully section of her cookbook. She tells them that she is in love and that she has a gift for him.
So help me if this is a homemade board game.
Nope. It’s a book. It’s as if Creative Memories exploded all over the page. She’s made him a fairy tale in which she lives happily ever after with her prince. There are airplane tickets, date cards, condom wrappers, Starbucks paper cups from their trip to Seattle, a valet ticket from playing at the Club. All sorts of fun memories! She’s ready to have a serious conversation, but in true Jason form, he starts making out with her instead of talking about life, love and other mysteries.
The next day, Jason picks out a ring for his soon-to-be bride. It was in the shape of a smiley face. After the ring lady leaves, he decides to settle down and catch up on previous editions of Architecture Digest. I’m not sure if he could hear the “Jaws” music that played in the background, or if he thought Gary had just gone to take a leak, but the camera was able to capture a mysterious sedan approaching and some tan legs exiting the back seat. Who could it be?
The only one surprised was Jason, because we’ve seen this b-roll footage 17 times now I believe. You know that if ABC had kept this a secret, we would have all screamed STALKER SHANNON unison.
Alas…it was DDAHnna. With that sour puss look on her face. She marches in to Jason’s abode, barely answering him when he asked what she was doing there. She tells him she came to visit. He just stares at her.
DD: “I came here because I lost a great man. I thought I was going to have fun with Jesse and didn’t look passed the fact that he can carry me all the way down a mountain on just a snow board. That’s pretty cool Jason. You have to admit it. But sometimes, you have to look past the fun. Or in your case…the spirit sprinkles.”
Jason: “One is everything I’m looking for and the other is a wild card.”
DD (very monotone): “I chose the wild card Jason. If I had chosen you, I’d be married and seven months pregnant right now, figuring out future play dates with the Sutters when we go to Vail on family vacations. But I’m not. I’m hosting a wedding show. A WEDDING SHOW JASON. Do you know how awkward that is for me? You haven’t proposed yet. You have a chance to make things different. That’s why I’m here.”
Jason: “Uhm…I guess all I can do is thank you for giving me this opportunity. But I found two girls that I’m falling for. How did you know where I was?”
DD: “Gary. He and I are tight. But who cares? I’m going to bungee jump off that bridge. I would ask you to go, but you are such a girl at times. Is Harrison around?”
Jason: “Wait. Don’t you have any advice? Are you going to tell me what to do? Should I just follow my heart?”
DD: “Jason…you need to LEAD your heart. Don’t get on one knee until you are ready.”
Jason: “Uncool to bring that up DDAHnna.”
DD: “Sorry. I’m taking the limo. Cesar will jump with me for sure. C-ya.”
Rose Ceremony
I’m so glad that New Zealand is windy, because Molly’s purple flowy dress and Melissa’s yellow flowy dress looked great blowing in the breeze. Jason’s shiny, too tight in the crotch area suit looked weird. About as weird as Jason starring into the smiley ring with a look that just screamed, “my preeeeeeecious.”
Our Host Chris Harrison helps Molly out of the limo first. I have to admit that I thought this is how it would play out. Hare walks her down the four-mile long cobblestone path, sprinkled with baby lambs, and deposits her to a very sick looking Jason Mesnick. Molly interrupts him before he speaks and tells him that no matter what happens, it has been an incredible journey and she wouldn’t take back a minute of it.
Jason: “Every time you look at me with those bewitching eyes, I get lost.”
Molly: “Please do not sing Debbie Gibson again.”
Jason: “I don’t know how I could ever let you go…but I have to. I never wanted to say goodbye to you. Steph and I are tight. DD just visited. You could be on that entourage list too.”
Molly: “I’m so sorry. I guess I don’t understand. You don’t just do it with someone in a tent. I think you’ve made a mistake. A big one. Because I am a winner.”
Jason walks Molly out and the entire time, she tells him he is making a huge mistake. She is worried that he will get hurt again. They talk for 30 minutes about this mistake because of the four-mile long trek back to the rejection limo. There is some serious flow in Molly’s dress as she hugs him goodbye, giving him one last “look” from her eyes. Then she is gone.
Jason has a moment on the balcony with himself. He has no idea that ABC camera man two is outside to capture the grief. Oh the drama. STELLA! MOLLY! Those are big tears. Wow. Academy Award reel right here folks.
The ABC Psychotherapist, unfortunately, is in the rejection limo with Molly. Gary wanders over and gives Jason a sip from the flask he keeps hidden in his boot. Harrison slaps him on the back and tells him to suck it up because his beautiful bride is two minutes away.
Jason: “I didn’t want to say goodbye to Molly. I hope I didn’t make a mistake. I don’t have any doubts about Melissa, except for that sentence I just said.”
Because time if of the essence, Melissa is already at the Home Depot Proposal Pedestal. Jason wastes no time and gets down on one knee. Melissa jumps up and down, turns her back and squeals, executes a pretty impressive toe touch for being in such a formal dress and bends down on Jason’s level to accept his proposal. He tells her he loves her with all his heart and picks her up to twirl her.
Ty runs to greet them in a little miniature tuxedo. Jason tries to explain what engagement means and Ty pushes the two in the swimming pool for laughs. Melissa is over the moon. Jason looks like he’s about to puke.
But there is no time for fun and games people. We have serious business to get to. The After the Final Rose is intimate. It’s real. It’s personal. It’s DRAMA!
After the Final Rose
Harrison is so mysterious. I love it. Look around. There isn’t an audience. The intern lit 85 candles for NO ONE! Then he reminds us that 2.4 minutes ago, all of America witnessed Jason propose to Melissa. He said that what unfolded in the following weeks was so dramatic and emotionally difficult, they kept the taping as intimate as possible. Just him, Jason, Melissa and 3 million of their closest friends that are really strangers.
Jason enters the sound stage first. He says that it’s been a crazy time. He loves Melissa, but things have been different since they are not on fantasy dates and have no immediate access to baby lambs. He admits that he and Melissa are not right for each other and all he can think about is Molly.
Jason: “Melissa knows things are different for me. I was crushed to let Molly go. As soon as she left, a huge piece of me was missing.”
OHCH: “So are you saying that you are still in love with Molly?”
Dramatic pause…
Jason shakes his head yes.
Jason: “I need to tell Melissa how I feel. She’ll understand. She’s the dumpee and is used to this. It might not be a good idea to do this on national TV, but I’m chained to this ABC contract and this is the only way I can figure out how to get another massage from Molly.”
OHCH: “So you are going to do this tonight? Right now on this stage? Do I have to be here?”
Jason: “I just need to take the ring off of her finger and put it on Molly’s. It won’t be weird at all Hare. I’m sure she has NO CLUE what is going on, but she’ll need a shoulder to cry on. And that can’t be me because my stylist got me a new suit. I don’t want it to stain.”
Our Host Chris Harrison summons Melissa to the sound stage. She is a woman on a mission and by the looks of it, knows that something big is about to go down that will not be in her favor. She barely greets her fiancé, sits on the opposite end of the couch and never looks him in the face.
Jason straight up tells Melissa that things are not good between them and he wants to call the whole thing off. Melissa begins to speak in third person and asks him why he doesn’t want to fight for Melissa. Jason doesn’t have an answer.
Melissa then interrogates Jason with a smattering of questions. What happened? Does he still have feelings for Molly? Has he been talking to her?
Jason: “I haven’t spoken to Molly.”
Melissa: “Can’t you see why I’m a little irritated? You put a ring on Melissa’s finger and told Melissa you would spend the rest of your life with her and you want to go and be with someone you already told rejected five seconds ago?”
Jason: “I don’t want to live my life full of regrets.:
Melissa: “BASTARD!”
And all of America cheered for our poor, rejected Melissa.
Jason has zero emotion for any of this, which, as we know, is strange for Jason. Didn’t he cry when Robin Thicke sang that love song to him and Jillian on their first date?
Whatever.
Melissa tells Jason to never contact her again and walks off the stage with as much dignity as she can muster. Especially after Harrison tells her there is a rejection limo waiting for her out back. Dude…
Jason sort of follows her, but Gary the camera man gives him a quick squint of the eye and Jason understands that he’s crossed a line. Now the waterworks come. The intern hands him a tissue. Harrison hands him a “happy pill” and escorts him back to the green room.
After a five minute Molly montage, she enters the bare sound stage and sits with Our Host on the couch. How very fortunate that she is still in love with Jason and has no regret that he broke her heart on national TV. Harrison confirms six times that Molly is STILL IN LOVE WITH JASON before bringing him out to drop the bomb on Molly.
Jason tells Molly that he made a huge mistake. Molly looks to Harrison for guidance. Hare keeps a straight face. She looks back to Jason as he asks her out for coffee. She turns and looks at Gary, but can’t see him because he is behind the camera. Jason says that he wants another shot and Molly looks at the intern who shrugs his shoulders and checks his watch.
Jason: “I just want to see where things my lead. To the bedroom perhaps?”
Molly: “Where is Melissa? You know…your fiancé?”
Jason: “Oh she’s halfway to Texas by now. Seriously. Do you want to make out?”
Molly: “We have a lot to talk about. But my feelings for you have not changed.”
OHCH: “Molly…does this mean you are back with Jason?”
Molly: “Will it go down that I won the season?”
OHCH: “Yes.”
Molly: “Then YES! I’m in love! Don’t give me that ring though. I have my own right here. Just write a check to Molly’s Daddy and we’ll call it even.”
After the After the Final Rose
Five Bachelorettes come back to the AAFR and give their two cents. I really have no clue who Kari is, but she did actually say something. I just didn’t write it down. Erica thinks that Jason is a d-bag. Miss Illinois had stage fright. Stephanie thinks Jason followed his heart and it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. And Naomi wanted to punch Jason in the face through the TV.
But I have to agree with the audience dude in the green shirt who said that he would have never proposed to another girl if he had the reaction that Jason had to letting Molly go.
My thoughts exactly.
Harrison invites Jason out on the stage and he is surprised that the audience members are not throwing rotten vegetables at him. He proceeds to tell Our Host that he didn’t want to live his life with regrets and telling Melissa to hit the road was the hardest thing he’s ever had to do. All this time he is resting his hand on his crotch. I don’t know why that is in my notes, but it is. Harrison pulls the Ty card and asks him if he can look his son in the eyes and be proud of what he did. Jason reads from a script and tells Harrison that we all make mistakes. His was just magnified by TV. He followed his heart and did it with integrity.
Molly comes out and the pair embrace and passionately kiss. Jason tells Our Host that Molly has become his best friend and that’s all he’s ever wanted.
Huh. Seems to me that you told Jillian that she was becoming your best friend and that’s NOT what you wanted.
He goes on to say that Molly challenges him to not say pineapple so much and things are really looking good. Molly is moving to Seattle and life is fine and dandy. Hare brings up the tent scene, again, and they cross their hearts that nothing went on inside the tent. Harrison tells Jason he has another shot at third base and the intern rolls out the same tent from the putting green.
Oh Hare!
So where do I stand?
First off, I’d like to give a great big high five to myself for not cracking under the pressure.
Kudos to me for being able to somehow stay away from all spoilers. I’d also like to take this time to issue a formal apology to everyone and anyone who may have called, texted, messaged, Facebooked or emailed me with any Bachelor-related news. I was afraid to open them in case spoilers were included. And I’m sorry to anyone who called me or came up to me to talk about the show and witnessed me shoving my fingers in my ears and singing “Sweet Child of Mine” to the top of my lungs…just in case. I’ve since sifted through everything, including Reality Steve’s stuff, and feel completely up-to-date and ready to give my opinion.
Until May 18, long live the Bachelor and it’s dramatic ways!
I’m all about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Now that’s advice we can all take to the bank. Am I right people? Jo Ann BROUGHT it last night and I am so happy to know (according to Hare’s recap over on Entertainment Weekly’s website) that she is the reincarnate of Joan of Arc.
Of course, she’s not the REAL Joan of Arc. She’s probably that chick who became a martyr because some local scrubs trashed her brother’s scooter in the 80s cult classic “The Legend of Billie Jean.” FAIR IS FAIR!
I believe the word you are looking for is: anyway…
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Christmas candy or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
I have to admit that I was pretty stoked when I heard there was going to be a Presidential speech last night. Two hours of remembering and recapping is just grating on my nerves and I was excited to assume that Obama would force ABC to cut the episode down to a respectable hour. Little did I know that our President is a fan of the show and convinced the higher ups at ABC to shift the episode back an hour.
Therefore, the audience was treated to a nice little b-roll package that sums our girls up in just a few sentences in case you are borderline ADHD and can’t seem to keep up with the names, status and backgrounds of the four remaining women left. Here’s what our Bachelor had to say about his girlfriends:
Jillian leads us off
Jason: “Jill has been fun right from the beginning. She’s smart and has a passion for her career and a wicked sense of humor. The accent is a little annoying and she’s not as smoking hot as Naomi, but I think I’ll be able to get past that. She’s strong. And I need strong people in my life, because I have a tendency to lean over balconies and cry out in unbearable pain when faced with difficult decisions. It would be nice to have someone to divert those decisions to. And Jill is the best of the four. As they say in her native tongue, Mele Kalikimaka.”
OHCH: “Dude. You just told everyone Merry Christmas in Hawaiian.”
Jason: “Lay off Hare. I’m trying to be cultural here. Besides…how do you know what it means? Do you speak Canadian?”
OHCH: “Uhm…Bing Crosby and the Andrews Sisters straight up TELL you what it means in the song. Give me your cup. Let me smell what’s in there…”
Next up…Molly
Jason: “When I first met Mol, she asked me something about golf. Being the suave guy I am, I tip-toed my way around the question, fully convincing her and myself that I knew what I was talking about. Then she asked to see my swing. SNAP! She totally didn’t care that I lied though. She knows what she wants and she goes for it. She jumped at the chance to stay with me in the overnight luxury tent. She pushes and challenges me, which is nice because I have a hard time making decisions as I’ve pointed out before. My only concern is that I can’t get deep enough.”
OHCH: “This is a family show Jason. We don’t need to hear…”
Jason: “Get your head out of the gutter Hare. Man…you are really starting to get on my nerves. Do you have to be here? I mean that I need to meet her family and get to know her on a deeper level.”
OHCH: “Speaking of deeper level, what song would you sing to Molly? Let’s keep it in the English-speaking genre, shall we?”
Jason: “In the words of Debbie Gibson, I’d get lost in her eyes and feel my spirit rise. And soar like the wind. Is this love that I am in?” (wipes away a single tear with the tip of his tie that Ty picked out.)
OHCH: “Intern. I don’t care how much cash Jason slips you on the side. Keep the Jack Daniels away from his Diet Coke.”
Naomi is batting third.
Jason: “Hare, you know how gorgeous Nay is, right? And she is a flight attendant, so she must love to travel even though she doesn’t know the difference between a plane and a helicopter…but whatever. She is a free spirit and crazy.”
Note to reader: This is what we call foreshadowing.
Jason (continued): “She is wide open to the possibilities of what life can bring her, but I am concerned that she is not ready for my life. She wants adventure. What if I clip her wings? Those sexy, beautiful wings? Did I mention she’s hot?”
OHCH: “Let me guess. In the words of the Steve Miller Band, you are going to encourage her to fly like an eagle?”
Jason: “No.”
OHCH: “In the words of Peter Pan, she can fly, she can fly, she can fly?”
Jason: “I like where you are going with the Disney theme, but no. I was thinking of something more subtle.”
OHCH: “I’m afraid to ask.”
Jason: “In the words of the Bellamy Brothers, honey do you love as good as you look?”
OHCH: “You are one classy guy Jason. Nay is going to love it.”
And finally, Jason discusses Melissa the cheerleader.
Jason: “I won’t lie to you like I did to Mol, Hare. I pre-judged Mel. I just couldn’t understand how a girl that beautiful could be so sweet. And available? It’s not like she has a thing wrong with her. On a completely unrelated side note, I’m so pumped to meet her family. I know that it’s going to be so chill. Because my relationship with her is important, but a connection with the family? That’s huge! Anyway, every time I’m around Mel, I want to spend more and more time with her. And her family too! Because I can’t wait to meet them. I want to see where she comes from and how she became this awesome chick. What great genes her parents must have! I can’t wait to pump them for information.”
OHCH: “Easy there tiger. I think you’ve talked about her family enough.”
Jason: “Really? Because the producers told me to say it over and over and over again. I don’t want to get into trouble.”
OHCH: “I think you’re good. What concerns you about Melissa?”
Jason: “She might be too perfect.”
OHCH: “And what soundtrack of your life with Melissa would be?”
Jason: “Does Fort Worth Ever Cross Your Mind by George Strait.”
OHCH: “Seriously Jason?”
Jason: You’re from Texas Hare. What is it with the Dallas people not liking Fort Worth? It’s a great city! I would love to know the inner workings of that debate. Unless, of course, Mel wants to make out all night long. I’m so there.”
Hometown Date One
Jillian
Canada
Jason waves goodbye to Ty, again, as he sets off to find adventure in Canada. Jill is waiting for him by Lake Okaloca with an adorable pink scarf and matching pink gloves. She sees him from afar and runs to greet him with reckless abandon. Jason swoops her up and twirls her around once before placing her on the ground and making out with her.
A sign of affection…the swoop and twirl. I’m just saying.
Jill tells the story about how every summer, Christmas and Easter, she came out here with cousin Tori and spent time with the family. She convinces Jason that she even felt the infamous lake monster, Ogo Pogo, with her foot once while tubing.
Jason looks a little scared, but is comforted by the ABC psychotherapist who assures him that no one will make him get in the lake this trip. She reminds him that this is something that Jillian will probably want to do in the future, should he choose to pursue a relationship with him that lasts longer than three months. Jason takes her card and places it carefully in his wallet for safe keeping.
Jill takes Jason to what I thought was a distillery full of beer kegs. It turned out to be a winery nestled in a volcano. Just as cool in my book. Jill decides that this is the perfect opportunity to open up about how her Mom suffered from depression for 15 years and the strain it put on both her and her Dad. Fortunately, her Mom is better now and Jill feels lucky to have them in her life.
Jason totally gets why Jill is so strong now. She hides her emotions well. But does she like him? He just can’t tell and this bugs him bad.
Jill takes Jason to meet the family, who greeted him with signs, Maple Leaf jerseys and a rather large Canadian flag that was immediately draped over Jason a la Sly Stallone in Rocky I, II and III.
Jason asks Peggy (the Mom) a few questions in front of the group as he untangles himself from Glen’s (the sweet Daddy) bear hug of a grip.
Jason: So Peg…tell me about Jill’s hot dog theory? Do you believe it?
Peggy: Oh yah. Yous guys are all mustard.
Random boyfriend of Tori announces that dinner is ready and the group sits down. Jill is excited that the energy is so palpable. Cousin Tori asks how Jason is coping with being on the flip side of things. Jason says that he is looking for someone with a good heart.
Sweet Peggy takes this time to pull out a napkin and recite a poem she wrote for Jill. She mentioned diamonds and precious flowers and rain. And how they will be there for her agayne.
Jill stares at her mother, forcing her insides to hold back all tears that may be forming in ducts. She is unable to speak so Jason tells Peggy that the poem was great. Truly beautiful.
Peg takes Jason outside to ask a few questions. She unfurls a scroll that is about five feet long. Jason laughs politely. Peg winks at the intern for giving her such a great idea. They talk about conflict and what it means to be married. Jason answered all questions with ease.
Meanwhile, cousin Tori can’t believe that Jill is falling for a guy. She can see it all over her face. Peggy agrees and tells Jill that Jason has a lot of depth and character.
Back in what appears to be the family garage, Jason and Glen are kicking it old school. Then Glen chokes up at the thought of Jill leaving and hugs it out with Jason.
But the best part of the night was when Granny came for a visit. She thinks Jason is gorgeous and very beautiful. Lucky for Jill because she was about to be on the next train to northern Alberta where Granny purchased a nice Ukrainian man who makes good money working on an oil rig. She makes a note to herself to keep the Ukrainian in case things don’t work out with cousin Tori’s pushy boyfriend.
Granny pulls out a pair of boxer shorts with Canadian flags all over them and gingerly places them on Jason’s head. She kisses him square on the lips when he gets up to leave and swats him on the butt for good luck. Jason soon finds out later in his hotel that it was a “SAVE THE OGO POGO” bumper sticker. Oh Granny!
Hometown Date Two
Molly
Michigan
Mol waits for Jason in her Daddy’s golf cart as she picks non-existent lint from her preppiest argyle sweater. She gives the nod to the country club rent-a-cops and they wave permission for Jason’s black Tahoe to enter the premises. She runs across the fairway to embrace Jason with reckless abandon. Jason swoops her up and twirls her around once before placing her on the ground and making out with her.
A sign of affection…the swoop and twirl. I’m just saying.
Mol is so nervous for Jason to meet her parents because she had a bad experience one time with a boy of which her parents did not approve. It took one threat that she would lose her trust fund for her to get her act together. She’s really got her fingers crossed with this one!
After having a picnic on the green of the 18th hole, Mol takes Jason to meet the folks. We learn that Mol’s family spends every Sunday on the golf course. Dad wonders if this is a problem for Jason? Jason convinces the parents that he indeed subscribes to the Golf Channel and Mary Ann (Mom) gives an approving smile.
Jason has passed the test. Now he must be humiliated.
TO THE HAT BOX!
Mary Ann pulls out hats for everyone! They are fun and wacky I tell you! Dad gets a beer hat, Mary Ann wears a giant orange cowboy hat, Jason gets an Indian head dress (how did she know he liked to sit in that style?) and Mol has a crown. Because she is their little princess. Random one relative and random two relative join the fun about this time and Mary Ann forces them to wear a cow and joker hat.
Everyone seems to feel the awkwardness has worn off and are looking forward to large consumptions of liquid courage…except Mary Ann. She pulls Jason to her downstairs dungeon and makes him draw a picture of his favorite memory. But it must include Jill’s face.
How dorktastic can this get?
Jason attempts to draw a picture of Mol’s face. He adds hair so it doesn’t look like a boy. Nice. Then he gives her a mouthful of very straight teeth. And eyes that look nothing like the visions he gets when singing along with Debbie Gibson. Maybe a rainbow of red roses will help?
Meanwhile, Mol’s Dad is giving her a pep talk.
Dad: “I’m proud of you. I’m not surprised you are this far. You are a WINNER!”
Mol: “YES SENSEI!”
Dad: “What’s the one thing you will not do if this doesn’t go your way?”
Mol: “Come back home to face the disappointment?”
Dad: “NO! You are a WINNER! Even if he is too stupid to see it. You will not what in the limo?”
Mol: “Cry. I will not cry in the limo.”
Dad: “And why is that?”
Mol: “Because there’s no crying in baseball. Or golf. Or reality TV.”
Dad: “That’s my good girl. What did you shoot today?”
Mol: “63.”
Dad: “We need to work on that.”
Jason returns to the den to show Mol his masterpiece. She looks at it with distain and wonders why he thinks she looks like the Joker…who is indeed a man and a monster. This can’t be good. She decides to stick her tongue down his throat to remind him that he told all of Seattle that she was the best kisser on the fake radio show. Holla!
Hometown Date Three
Naomi
California
Nay is dressed up in her cutest cowgirl outfit. She is a bit concerned because last time Jason pulled her aside to see if she was really ready to settle down with a family. But today it doesn’t matter. She is going to show him she is serious about being a wife and mother. So much so…that she is going to pull ALL of her hair out of her face like a mature adult woman.
Whoa. There is hope for Naomi yet!
She sees Jason pull up in the black Tahoe. She runs to him with reckless abandon. He picks her up and puts her back down. No twirl.
She’s done. I’m just saying.
She decides to liquor Jason up with some mimosas out of her thermos that she keeps in her Jansport. She tells Jason that she is totally ready to be in his life. And Ty’s life. And that he is her future husband. Lincee thinks this is FREAKY but knows Jason needs one more make out session before he can tell this cow poke to get along little dogie.
To Nay’s defense, she does tell Jason that he is in for a big treat when it comes to her family. She tells him they are crazy. It’s in my notes.
But she did NOT tell him that her Mom was a straight up wack-a-do. Seriously.
Jo Ann starts off with a little cardio workout and exits the garage with about 14 hula hoops in her hands. One for everyone! Jo Ann encourages Jason to be one with the hula hoop. The entire clan stares at him, as they gyrate in perfect unison, as if he is some sort of freak because he is physically incapable of making the hoop twirl. Give him a girl to twirl? He’s golden! A plastic circle…not so much. Jason gives up when the little niece starts hula-ing nine hoops at once.
But that’s okay. Because Jo Ann has all sorts of fun afternoon projects for the entire family. You see, while driving just the other day, an innocent bird decided to fling into her windshield, killing itself for the greater good of this little show we like to call The Bachelor. Since leaving road kill on…the road…is blasphemous, Jo Ann uses the papers she keeps hidden in her glove box to daintily grasp the dead dove’s wing and shoves it in a Kentucky Fried Chicken sack that was on the floor board from the last time she had the munchies.
She stores said dove in the kitchen freezer for safe keeping. And the disturbing part about this story is that no one (except for an embarrassed Nay and genuinely freaked out Jason) seem to think that this is in any way odd.
To make matters even more uncomfortable, Jo Ann has named the dead dove Rosie and asks Jason to give the eulogy while they bury her in the backyard.
It was at this point that I fully expected Harrison to bust through the bushes with a trucker hat on sideways telling Jason he had been punk’d.
No such luck.
Jason gives the best eulogy for a dead dove I’ve ever heard. Jo Ann rambles on about the spirit of the dove coming back as a cat (take that world!) and places a bundle of posies beside the homemade rock tombstone.
Hector the Dad approaches Jason just as he is about to take a few Tylenol while the intern is holding a cold compress to his head. Hector wants to talk to Jason about what it means to be committed. He also lets Jason know that he raised Naomi in a religious household and questions if Jason and Naomi will continue down this path.
Much like Hector, Jesus is my home Boy too. I didn’t think it was weird at all Hector had concerns. He just assumed that Naomi had discussed her religious beliefs. Alas…she had not.
Just as Jason is about to dive head first into unchartered waters, Jo Ann arrives as the reincarnate of Lauren from three weeks ago and steals our Bachelor away for some alone time. Let’s listen in to their conversation:
Jo Ann: “What can you bring to this relationship that is unique dear one?”
Jason: “Well, I do this thing where I compare situations I’m in to song lyrics. Like right now, if I were talking to Hare, I would say, ‘In the words of Tracy Chapman…give me one reason to stay here.’ Does that count?”
Jo Ann: “Sure it does. And do you know how I know? Because I have premonitions. You are a passion seeker. Not to be confused with a dream catcher. And that is perfect because Naomi is an indigo girl.”
Jason: “Oh. Are you playing my game now? Love the Indigo Girls. Sing that Airplane song.”
Jo Ann: “Oh Jason. Your aura is divine. Do you see the pretty iridescent colors? What I mean is…we are from the same family. Reincarnated. We are both indigo kids. So is Naomi. She is a temple priestess. You were Mother Teresa and I was Joan of Arc. Can’t you feel the love?”
Jason: “Not really.”
Jo Ann: “Here. Take a hit off this and I’m sure you’ll change your mind in 10 minutes.”
Jason: “Pineapple.”
The ABC intern shakes some keys at Jo Ann to distract her as the ABC psychotherapist escorts Jason to the backyard where Nay and all the kids are playing freeze tag. She encourages Jason to join, but he is too spooked to care. It’s time to cut this ball and chain loose.
But not before a five minute game of tonsil hockey. And since this episode is two hours long, we were able to literally watch Jason swallow Naomi’s entire face numerous times before bidding her adieu and bowing in respect to the priestess.
Hometown Date Four
Melissa
Dallas
Just in case you were wondering, Jason is really, REALLY looking forward to meeting Mel and her family in Dallas. He’s also curious to see if this outdoor TV thing at her apartment is a figment of her imagination, but whatever.
Jason arrives at the random lake looking svelte in a black sweater and jeans. Mel is true to her Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader roots and wears a black tank top and tiny white shorts that I’m pretty sure were the actual DCC uniform bottoms. Did anyone else see a blue star on the left butt cheek?
Because she needs to butter him up, Mel gives Jason a gift bag that he must open, but is not really for him. It’s for TY silly! A tooth fairy box for his moneys.
Jason is totally digging this side of Mel. Maybe she’ll make him something from Creative Memories one day. Or better yet…they could make something together!
Jason begins making out with Mel sitting Indian style on a red blanket as she tries to talk. He keeps biting her lip, which sort of turns her on, but she must get to the task at hand.
Mel informs Jason that she will not be meeting her family because they are scared of the public-ness of the show. Jason is concerned, but not enough to stop trying to suck the Altoid from Mel’s mouth.
They arrive at her friends’ house, complete with little children to cuddle and hug on. Jason is so glad that Mel is comfortable around kids. The boys go play some pool and talk about why Mel is still single. One guy says it’s because she attracts bad guys.
Interesting take.
The girls giggle on the bed and talk about how all Mel can do is cry when she thinks about Jason!
Prozac helps.
Jason switches with Mel and hops up Indian style on the bed. He asks about Mel’s family. Oddly enough, neither of the girls had met Mel’s family.
Red flag.
Mel worries that not meeting her family is a deal breaker. To further confuse Jason with her flirtatious ways, Mel promises to take the entire crew to Southfork in exchange for some Tahoe and apartment time with Jason. They drink some wine and sit Indian style in her apartment while Jason asks her about her family again. She says that they are private people and there’s nothing more than that.
Rose Ceremony
Our Host Chris Harrison arrives at the fake house to talk with Jason before the rose ceremony.
Jason: “Hare. What are you doing here? I don’t have anything to tell you. I’m scared of Naomi’s Mom, okay? Anyone can see that she’s going home tonight. Do we have to do this? I need to fake tuck Ty into his fake bed.”
OHCH: “Humor me Jason. How do you feel?”
Jason: “Fake answers, right? Okay. I feel more confused than ever.”
Cue soap opera flashbacks from current episode.
OHCH: “Great. Now, if you can just stand on the X and look out across the water on your fake back porch and ponder. That’s it. Stand very still. Quit moving your head. This is a tricky shot. Okay and CUT! Great job Jason. Let’s get to the ceremony. I hear they are hanging a ginormous carpet in our honor!”
It’s no surprise that Jason did not give a rose to Naomi. I think she knew it was coming. Not only did she not wear eyelashes, but I’m assuming Jo Ann had a premonition about it. HELLO!
She does a pretty good job of holding it together in the rejection limo. She feels that she should just be alone now. And I think that’s great. She’s 16 years old for crying out loud! She has her whole life in front of her!
And guess what IHGB readers? Next week we finally get to see DDAHnna’s return.
“What are you doing here in New Zealand DDAHna?”
Even if they are tricking us because LORD HELP HER if DDAHnna really tells Jason that she made a mistake by not picking him, it’s definitely going to be the most dramatic episode EVER!
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Oh my. What in the world? Seriously? You’ve got to be kidding me. Huh? Note to self. I think I’m going to hurl. Where’s my bucket? I need to stay behind this pillow. Shut up. Oh no she didn’t! NERVOUS LAUGHTER. I’m so embarrassed for her right now. Can I crawl under this couch? Mute button. Press the mute button now. Is that a leotard? I’m going to need something sharp to jab in my ear. Inappropriate and you know better young lady. Sick! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP! LA LA LA LA NOT LISTENING LA LA LA LA NOT LISTENING!
And that was just in the first 10 minutes of the show. It’s THE most dramatic season of the Bachelor ladies and gentlemen and I loved every minute of it.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Christmas candy or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Oh my. What a train wreck and a glorious ride last night! Can I get an amen? And the mayhem started from the get-go with none other than our favorite wacky challenge…BACHELORETTE KARAOKE!
Oh it’s on.
Our Host Chris Harrison reminds the girls that this week, there will be one group date, a two-on-one (where only the strong survive) and a one-on-one date. In order to find out who will be the lucky girl to hang out with Jason, the girls will have to write and perform an original love song for our Bachelor. And snap! You have 30 minutes! Ready, set, GO!
Needless to say, tank tops, scarves and side ponytails went scattering in various directions. Naomi mutters under her breath that she is nervous. Molly channels her inner Tina Fey and concludes that humor will get her the rose. Shannon starts chanting word-for-word (because she had it memorized) Jason’s rap from DDAHnna’s season and begins changing lyrics to match her own feelings.
And Lauren lets the viewing audience know that her little ditty is going to be melodically pleasant and something you would probably hear on the radio just in time for Spring Break 2009. Holla!
We find beauty queen Nikki hyperventilating in the bathroom. The ABC Psychotherapist is with her trying to calm her nerves.
Nikki: “I can’t do this. I’m having a hard time. It’s impossible. Create a masterpiece in 30 minutes? It can’t be done! Why are you doing this to me?”
PSYCHOTHERAPIST: “Technically, we are at about 25 minutes Nikki, but don’t concentrate on that. Concentrate on what you know. And that’s how to win. Win pageants! You can do this. I know you can!”
Nikki: “It’s very hard for me to open up. I don’t know how to be creative. I’m too much of a control freak. I can’t be silly. It’s not my nature. I hate singing.”
PSYCHOTHERAPIST: “What did you do for your talent when you won Miss Illinois Nikki? Everyone sings. Surely you can whip out some ‘Old Man River’ or “God Bless the USA.’ Everyone loves a patriot.”
Nikki: “Fool! Are you trying to sabotage me? You heard the rules. THEY SAY IT HAS TO BE A LOVE SONG! Rules are meant to be followed. Besides, my talent for Miss Illinois was not singing. I embraced the arts. I twirled fire in the preliminaries and did a ventriloquist act during the finals. Her name was Aurora and she was a fairy princess from far away looking for her one true love.”
PSYCHOTHERAPIST: “Maybe you can sing Happy Birthday?”
Nikki: “I would rather have a tarantula crawling up my arm. Oh the horror. How many minutes left?”
PSYCHOTHERAPIST: “We are down to 17. Is there ANYTHING you feel comfortable singing?”
Nikki: “Babies. I’ll recite the lullaby I sing to my pretend baby when I’m home by myself watching Steel Magnolias on weekends. I totally have it memorized. But what about my stage fright?”
PSYCHOTHERAPIST: “Close your eyes Nikki.”
Nikki: “I know I’m pretty, but I’m not comfortable with that weird thing that Stephanie does…”
PSYCHOTHERAPIST : “No, no. Well…maybe later. But my point is…close your eyes. Can you see the baby? Can you smell the baby?”
Nikki: “Yes. I smell baby powder and Destin diaper rash cream.”
PSYCHOTHERAPIST: “Own the moment girl and make me proud.”
Jason tells us that forcing the girls to make a fool of themselves is something he’s always wanted to do since DD did it to him last year. But this isn’t about embarrassing them. It’s about who opens up and just goes for it.
Molly is up first. Here’s a little snippet from her song.
Sing to the lyrics of “I Like Big Butts.”
I like burgers and hot French fries.
You other foods can’t deny
And when a boy walks in
With a great big grin
And a bag of Chick-Fil-A
You get…
A rose apparently.
Shannon raps about how hot their love connection is.
Jason gives a fake smile.
Melissa talks about oysters, watery eyes and blimps that talk to her.
Jason thinks she’s so cute.
Naomi sings about how she is a butterfly.
Jason wonders there’s a tiger somewhere in there to unleash.
Stephanie sings opera at the top of her lungs. It’s not that we care that all the mirrors and crystal champagne flutes broke during her turn. I’m sure you were more transfixed by the outfit, or lack thereof, that Stephanie had on. No, no…it wasn’t a pink half shirt and skinny volleyball shorts. I’m 100% confident that it was an outfit straight up from Sophie’s closet. I believe she was also wearing toast tights. I’m just saying.
Jillian hops up on the bar and reenacts the “Cowboy” scene from “Coyote Ugly.”
Jason howls at the moon.
Lauren has the ABC intern fetch her microphone and sound system while she practices some vocal exercises in the bathroom. Once she gets the “one minute knock,” she returns to the group, waves and thanks them for coming to hear the show. Lauren sings about being all alone and wondering if I should go home. This is subliminal messages she’s directing towards Jason, because clearly SHE is in control and will decide if she stays or leaves. Then she talks about how this thing we call love is a leap of faith in the chorus. All the girls are watching Jason’s reaction, because Lauren is definitely the best singer of the group.
Notice I said group. I didn’t say she was a finalist on American Idol.
Meanwhile, Nikki is fanning herself because she is so nervous. She practices her breathing techniques and plasters the fake smile across her face as she heads toward the front of the group. She tells Jason that this is a song she wants to sing to her baby one day. When she’s done, the ABC psychotherapist walks her back to her seat.
Jason is proud of the girls for trying so hard, but he’s super stoked about the one girl who talked about him the entire song…and that was Molly!
One-on-One Date
Molly
Let’s stay home tonight at my place.
Molly’s date is all about keeping it real. Fast food and fake camping.
Now part of me wants to be funny and say something along the lines of, “Geez ABC! What’s up with the budget? Did you spend all your money betting on Spray Tan Natalie in Vegas? Diamonds, jets and blimps to Big Macs, REI equipment and s’mores?”
But reader…that would be a pretty good date in my mind.
Jason said that this date is just like him…chill.
Molly tells us that she’s so excited, she could pee in her pants.
Jason lays out a picnic in the living room. They chow down on burgers, fries and talk about life, love and other mysteries. Molly says that she’s ready for the next step in her life. Because she’s just out of college and there’s a whole big world out there to experience! She admits that she wants to have kids one day.
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
Sweet Molly. Get your head in the game. Jason ALREADY HAS a kid.
Home boy calls her out and says, “Well…how do you feel about dating someone who is divorced and already has a child?”
Molly delicately back pedals and says that she has no problem with someone who has been married before with kids. Then she does some weird voo-doo with her eyes and makes Jason get lost in the sparkle. His words…not mine.
Jason loans Molly some of his comfy clothes and takes her out to a tent on the putting green in the back yard. They make s’mores and visit about how tough it is for Molly to share him with other girls.
They sit Indian style and talk about it.
Molly: “I’m having the time of my life. I see myself with someone like you.”
Jason: “That’s great. It’s hard for me to sit like this because my knees are 10 years older than yours, but keep going.”
Molly: “When I think of qualities I want in a husband, you have them all.”
Jason: “Seriously. I’m going to have to straighten this leg out. And your eyes are doing that weird come hither thing. Let’s make out.”
Molly: “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you.”
Jason: “I’m going to give you this rose so we can take this party into the party tent. Will you accept this rose?”
Molly: “Of course!”
Jason: “Great. Intern…did you get what was on my list? Is everything in there? Good. Hop in girl. Move all those pillows and rose petals out of the way. Pay no attention to what’s in that brown paper bag. We’ll get to that later. Let me zip this up so we can be alone.”
Then we hear laughing. And Jason telling Molly she has super soft skin. I didn’t make that up. And then we hear smacking noises. And a zipper.
I’m quite sure that the smacking noises were from Molly eating her burger three hours prior to this moment. And since they both had on basketball shorts, I’m pretty sure the zipping sounds we heard was regurgitated sound bites from the tent. I’m just saying.
But then we hear distinct, very graphic moaning sounds coming from the tent. Our Host Chris Harrison steps in and tells the pervy ABC cameramen to give the guys some privacy and the next thing we know, we are at the cougar den with the other women.
Where we find Stalker Shannon waiting up for Molly to return home so she can hear how the date went.
Unfortunately, Stalker Shannon didn’t expect the rooster crowing or the subtle squeak of the front door opening to wake her from the uncomfortable position on the couch. All the girls in matching robes attack Molly when she enters the casa making her walk of shame through the kitchen. Stalker Shannon wanders over to the group and asks, “When did you get in?”
Molly plasters a grin on her face and doesn’t even have to answer because all the other girls answer for her. Stalker Shannon gives the best death glare of the season!
Molly: “I didn’t get much sleep. I’ll be napping all day long. I sure hope Jason doesn’t fall asleep on the big group date today. Bye girls!”
Melissa doesn’t like that Molly smells like Jason and is wearing his pants.
Group Date
Jillian, Lauren, Shannon, Megan, Melissa, Naomi
Want to play doctor?
Nikki learns that she is not going on the group date and will be “up against” Stephanie in the dreaded two-on-one date. She announces to the group that she will start crying in 3.4 seconds and Stephanie rushes to her side to cradle and rock her in comfort.
The doctor date girls have no clue what they are doing until they pull up outside General Hospital. The phrase “SHUT UP” was uttered 19 times in the limo. I counted. They talk about how they are on a Hollywood set. I personally do not think daytime soap operas are Hollywood, but that’s just me. Now if we were at the GCAC talking to Young & the Restless actors…that would be a different story.
Stalker Shannon holds Jason in a death grip. She’s a bit concerned because the last time she saw Jason, she had a bit of vomit hanging from her lower lip. She is confident that today is the day she needs to make a move.
Jason lets the girls know that they will not be watching…put participating in a soap opera. The girls are PUMPED! Random actress one and dorky actor two take the gaggle down to hair and makeup, conveniently stockpiled with all the Fredrick’s of Hollywood slut Halloween outfits a girl could dream about!
Shannon is the slutty nurse. Jillian is the slutty cowgirl. Melissa is the slutty cop.
Lauren is the slutty jilted wife. Naomi is the slutty maid, complete with feather duster. And Megan is just straight up slut in black mesh lingerie.
Jason is wearing scrubs and must role play (literally) with each girl in different scenarios. Random tween actor is excited to be near girls with boobs. Random tween actress asks if anyone would like to show the group how to properly perform an on-screen kiss with Jason.
Stalker Shannon, as she likes to do at rose ceremonies, answers the question before Tween can finish and steps up to the plate. Tween reminds the girls that there is no tongue in film kissing.
Shannon goes all in and kisses Jason with full force in front of the other girls and the tweens. Jason wipes his mouth with the sleeve of his scrubs as Shannon yells, “I kissed Jason! I’m dying! I kissed him! I loved it. I felt a connection. THIS IS REEEEEAAAAALLLLLL!”
Melissa and her weird hair poof are very irritated to see Jason kiss other girls.
Our first take consists of Jason, Naomi the slut maid and Lauren the jilted wife in a scene where Naomi is FORCED to kiss Jason over and over and over and over again. I was so freaking embarrassed that I had to fast forward. I promise you it lasted 10 minutes. They made out about 67 times. No exaggeration.
In scene two, Jillian the sexy cowgirl gets a proposal from Jason and then they share an awkward kiss. Yippe-ki-ay!
For the first time, Megan is able to unleash her inner seductress and just be uninhibited with Jason. She has never kissed him before, but she is going to throw the “no tongue” rulebook out the window and play some tonsil hockey during this rare occasion. Jason’s character says that he only has eyes for her and her black nightgown. Megan jumps his bones and mugs down hard and dirty. It’s like something you would see from Wild Kingdom. Or Lifetime After Dark.
Megan admits to Melissa that is was real and she loved it.
Jason is super stoked and high from making out with six of his 10 fantasies. He is excited to take the girls to a “Hollywood” wrap party on top of a building. There are cool funky chairs, tons of candles, pillows galore and furry blankets for everyone! What comes before part B? PART-A!!!
Jason soon gets a clue and realizes that the mood is not one of a cocktail party, but more on the level of reception at grandma’s house after the funeral. He senses that emotions are really high and decides he should talk to the girls.
Meet Captain Obvious America!
We find Naomi red and blotchy, pouting on the couch.
Jason: “Hey Nay. Sup my playa?”
Naomi: “I’m just upset. I see that you glow when you are with other people.”
Jason: “That’s just this cool face cream Natalie gave me before I gave her the boot. You know that you and I have a connection. You’re my boo.”
Naomi: “This is very scary. You called me boo. Is that a good thing or bad?”
Jason: “I always want the best for you.”
Lincee: “Uh oh.”
Naomi: “But we haven’t had one-on-one time.”
Lincee: “Precisely.”
Jason: “I always want the best for you. We will be in each other’s lives forever. With or without each other.”
Lincee: “Crystal clear Jason.”
Jason makes out with Naomi and bounces back to the other girls. Ready to get his robot on like he did at the pool party when everyone had so much fun! But he spies Melissa. And she looks like the Dallas Cowboys just lost the Super Bowl in the last 10 seconds of the fourth quarter.
Jason: “You okay Spunky?”
Melissa: “Watching you interact with other girls really hurts me.”
Jason: “But you understand that I have to do that, right? You understand the concept of the show?”
Melissa: “Yes, but…” Melissa proceeds to ugly cry in front of Jason and immediately hides her face in his chest…which we all appreciated.
Jason: “Hey…I want you to be yourself. Don’t be embarrassed.”
Melissa: “That’s alright. That’s OK. I’m gonna love you anyway.”
Jason gives Melissa spirit sprinkles and wanders over to Our Host Chris Harrison. Our Host slaps him on the back and tells him that the night has just begun with the waterworks. He also informs him that the go-go dancers have been cancelled due to the counseling session that will be taking place in the next two hours. He wishes him good luck and pushes him towards the eagerly awaiting Megan…who takes a different approach: euphoria.
Jason: “Hey Megan. Do you need some Kleenex?”
Megan: “Heck no Jason! I’m sick of everyone crying. I keep telling them to rub some dirt in it and MAN UP!”
Jason: “Thanks Megan! Finally! Someone who is excited that we are at a wrap party. Do you want to go do some Jello shots with me?”
Megan: “In a minute. I just want to thank you first for this perfect night.”
Megan gives Jason an awkward hug. Jason pulls away looking suspicious.
Megan: “What?”
Jason: “What, what?”
Megan: “Nothing.”
Jason: “Why are you sad?”
Megan: “You are such a great person.”
MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY! YOU ARE DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO STALKER SHANNON MODE! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!
Jason: “Come here. Let’s hug it out.”
Lincee: “Doh!”
Megan is upset that Jason didn’t kiss her. She tells us that she is perfect for him but can’t express it because that would be CRAZY! Jason shuffles over to Lauren who is sitting with the Stalker.
Lauren tells the camera that seeing Jason was love at first sight. She says she likes bossing him around and that boys like a girl who is dominate in the relationship.
Lauren: “You need to give me the rose tonight or I’m going to be pissed.”
Jason: “I don’t think you can force me to do anything.”
Lauren: “I’m not forcing you to do anything. I’m saying, if you know what’s best for you, you will give ME the rose tonight. And that’s final.”
Jason: “Pineapple.”
That’s their safe word.
Jason, feeling fully defeated, makes his way back over to Our Host Chris Harrison.
Jason: “Dude. Make it stop. I can’t handle one more girl crying right now.”
OHCH: “Dude. You have to keep going. There’s only one left.”
Jason: “But it’s her. How am I supposed to do this with her. I don’t think I can. Where’s the ABC psychotherapist? I need to talk to her.”
OHCH: “We have her on 24-hour watch with Nikki. She’s not here. But she did give me this little yellow pill that will make you feel all better. Do you want it now or after you talk to her?”
Jason: “I think I need it now.”
OHCH: “My thoughts exactly. Now get in there kid!”
Jason does a few jumping jacks, head rolls and trots over to Stalker Shannon. He waits for the mellow yellow pill to kick in. This is going to be a rough 30 minutes.
Shannon: “I just want you to know that this has been so difficult for me. Because I feel I know you and I feel you are cheating on me in front of my very own eyes. How can you do that? You have the best personality. I feel like I’ve frozen up and put wall up. I’ve developed feelings for you and why is someone opening up a squeaky door while I talk? Rude! You can’t let me go. I have so much to offer you and we have a connection. I want a one-on-one and I’m not letting you let me go. You have to believe me right now. Here is my heart on my shoulder. I’m looking for my best friend. I want to be a Mom and meet Ty. I really want to. Trust me okay. I want you to come home with me. We could sleep in the same bed and everything! Just come home with me. Keep me, keep me, keep me.”
Shannon proceeds to dive head first in a panic attack and cries uncontrollably. Because the mellow yellow pill has kicked in, Jason calmly hands her a black paper napkin so that she may excuse herself and blow her nose. However, Shannon chooses to continue her dissertation on “The Wonder That is Jason” as she blows her nose, picks her nose, wipes her nose and stares at him with a dangler in the right nostril and snotty napkin bits on her upper lip.
Shannon: “This is me. I pick my nose. Pick me. Choose me. Love me.”
Jason: “Let me get that for you…”
Jason straight up pulls a straggly hair out of her mouth, wipes the snot remnants off the lip and quietly gestures that there’s a booger she’s missed. Shannon goes digging again and then hands Jason her snot rag. And proceeds to kiss him. Shannon is upset that Jason ended the kiss before it was over. Now she feels rejected.
You think?
Let the record show that I’ve emailed Our Host Chris Harrison as to what EXACTLY he gave Jason to help cope with this rather disgusting show of affection. I will let you know and we will all buy them in bulk.
Our Host Chris Harrison notices Jason conversing with Care Bears and decides it’s time to get him home. He encouraged Jason to give the rose to the closest girl (Naomi) and they all leave an emotional wreck.
Two-On-One Date
Stephanie and Nikki
Every princess needs a gown for the ball
Guess what? Nikki is worried she’s going home. Stephanie is pumped that she gets to wear a princess dress!
Jason is developing a stomach ulcer because he doesn’t like either girl and knows that one must go home tonight. He thinks Nikki is sexy, but stays in her protective OCD box. He thinks Steph is awesome, but is concerned that there isn’t a romantic connection.
What better way to open these girls up that a good old fashioned ball room dancing lesson? A lady teaches them how to waltz and they play this weird game of stealing Jason from each other. Nikki is (surprise, surprise) intimidated that she is having to learn something new and can’t practice in the gazebo next door for 10 minutes before Jason sees her. Stephanie reminds the viewing audience that she used to be a ballerina and turns with grace as Jason passes her around the dance floor.
The ABC psychotherapist gives Nikki a brown paper bag as the tears in her eyes glisten among the 40 million twinkle lights. She is upset that Stephanie is “winning.”
“She already had a man once. And she has a daughter. It’s my turn!”
Ouch glamour queen.
Next up? Small talk at the dinner table.
Jason: “How hard would it be for you to move to Seattle?”
Nikki: “Not hard. I don’t have anyone who depends on my. I’m all by myself. I can leave right now. I’m half-way packed.”
Stephanie: “I go wherever love takes me.”
Jason: “How do you see your future?”
Nikki: “My future is wide open and that includes a husband and kids. You have to be flexible. Just like me. I was in an 11 year relationship and it was tough. When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade.”
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCH!
Hold the phone and back it up Miss Illinois. Jason whisks her away to see what the heck this 11 year relationship thing is about. Thinking that she’s only 25, Jason does the math and figures that she would have dated this dude since she was a Freshman.
Close…she was a senior.
Nikki says that she was heart broken and that she didn’t see it coming.
Jason: “How long ago was this?”
Nikki: “About a year.”
Jason: “Have you dated since then?”
Nikki: “I’ve been on a few dates.”
Jason: “Chris…I’m going to need another one of those little pills.”
Jason tells both women that they are amazing (the ABC cameraman shows their cleavage) and then he sends Nikki home. She did a great job with her “second-runner-up” congratulations face. Stephanie looked like she wanted to cry for her. Jason looked like he wanted to cry too. Because he knew that Stephanie would want to make out under than bazillion twinkle lights now that Nikki had said her last goodbyes and exchanged email addresses with the ABC psychotherapist.
Stephanie looks into Jason’s eyes and says that she wants to kiss him. Jason wonders if it will feel like kissing his sister like it did that time before. He soon learns that the answer is a big fat YES!
Mark my words…Stephanie is gone next week. Bless her heart.
Meanwhile, in the rejection limo, Nikki is confused and sad. She wanted the happy ending. She’s not good enough. Even though she is perfect and beautiful and trained to smile through disappointment, she will always be the reject.
Look! The mute guy has his hoodie on tonight! Girls squeal as Nikki’s 14 suitcases are taken away.
ROSE CEREMONY
Jason is upset. Not because of Shannon’s weird doily dress, but because there is so much emotion and drama. This is REAL people. He decides to find some sort of solace in his one BFF…Jillian.
Jason: “Are you cold?”
Jillian: “Dude. I’m from Canada, eh?”
Jason: “Why are you calling me dude?”
Jillian: “Because I’m cool like that. I call Harrison dude too.”
Jason: “Sweet. Want to make out?”
Jillian: “Like mustard on a hot dog.”
Jason goes and finds his other bundle of positive energy.
Melissa: “Give me a J! Give me an A…”
Jason: “You don’t have to do that. Are you okay?”
Melissa: “Yeppers. Sorry you had to see me cry yesterday. I was emotional.”
Jason: “It’s okay, but don’t do it now.”
Melissa: “I won’t. I want you to know that I know you. I like the freckle on your eye and the mysterious hole in your ear.”
Jason: “You are cute.”
Melissa: “You are totally a-w-e-s-o-m-e!”
Jason heads over to Megan who is rockin’ the side pony.
Jason: “How are you?”
Megan: “OMG…I’m totally stoked to be here.”
Hey. I watch Gossip Girl too. XoXo.
Speaking of immature high schoolers, Lauren is still playing this dominatrix game with Jason. She wants him to know that she is MAD she didn’t get the rose.
Lauren: “I’m blunt and direct. Why did you give me the rose? You didn’t follow my specific directions.”
Jason: “Pineapple.”
Lauren: “Don’t give me that. I said that you were meant for me! You are going to get it. I’m gong to have the ABC intern put the iron spikes in the whip mister.”
Jason: “PINEAPPLE. PINEAPPLE. PINEAPPLE!”
Then they make out because he feels his life is in danger.
Our Host comes in and clinks his champagne drink. Jason makes a mad dash to the Pier One Wall of Shame and spends one minute deliberating with Chris Harrison, as they comb over the by-laws to see if he can refrain from handing out the final rose. The producers think it makes for great TV and decide that the drama will be AMAZING!
Roses are handed to:
Melissa
Jillian
Megan is told she is amazing. Shannon is told she’s beautiful. And Lauren was told she was brutally honest. Our Host walks up (AWKWARD) and tells them that they have to say goodbye. Then they are all escorted out the door.
Lauren doesn’t think it’s fair that Jason changed the rules. Megan admits that she doesn’t want to go home even though there is a 10-month-old waiting for her. And Shannon is excited to go home and brush her puppy’s teeth with an electric toothbrush and give him French kisses.
I know. There are no words.
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
