I had three emails from IHGB readers Sara, Andy and Amber this morning.  You can imagine my glee SHOCK when I read this and this. 

But then we get this!

I say we take a vote my friends.

Is Ed a cheese ass?  Sound off in the comments section.

“Spotted—three women sporting a Bumpit in the audience.”

We were really scraping the bottom of the barrel for most of this show.  Our Host Chris Harrison was looking dashing as usual as he welcomed Melissa back to the same exact sound stage in which she had experienced national humiliation almost a year ago.  Don’t worry if you forgot what that moment was like, because Hare walked us down memory lane again.

When Melissa watched her old self get dumped, I noticed something different about her face.  I couldn’t really put my finger on it, but I’m quite positive Melissa Ro got a little Bo.  There was something plasticy about her face that didn’t sit right.  Our Host congratulated her on the many successes she’s accomplished, including her Dancing with the Stars gig, her Good Morning America job and her recent engagement to an ex-boyfriend who Melissa assures us was her BFF the entire time she was on the show. 

After the break, Our Host brings Kiptynite out to face the crowd.  Sadly, he has his shirt on.  They show a five-minute montage of Kip and Jillian kissing:  in a kayak, in the pool, on the couch, standing up, horizontal, in a tree, under a table, standing on totem poles…it was special.  I love the picture-in-picture so we can see Kip’s live face reacting to his pier rejection face.  Hare was in rare form:

OHCH:  “So you’ve never had your heart broken before now, huh?”

Kip:  “That’s right.”

OHCH:  “Sucks doesn’t it?  Did you gain a few pounds and listen to sappy music?”

Kip:  “Actually, I did gain weight.  About five pounds of muscle.  And my workout music was set to Europe’s “The Final Countdown” and the Rocky theme song.”

OHCH:  “No Celine Dion?  That’s weird.  I bet you had bowls and bowls of Bluebell homemade ice cream.  With chocolate sauce?  Gets me every time.”

Kip:  “Nope.  I allowed myself one treat per week.  A caramel rice cake after push ups.  It’s a risk, but I need to be kind to my soul right now.  I’m healing a broken heart.”

Harrison rolls his eyes and invites Jillian out to the hot seat in order to spice the show up a bit.  Jillian bounces on set in a white outfit and claims over and over again that she is nervous.  Harrison asks Jillian if she’s been nervously eating in anticipation of seeing Kip again.  She assures him that her diet of bird seed and sugar water has remained the same.

Hare takes a quick swig from his hip flask and presses on.

OHCH:  “The girl who broke your heart is sitting right here.  How do you feel Kip?”

Kip:  “I would never do anything to hurt Jillian.  I just want to know what went wrong?”

Jillian:  “I had to do a lot of fishing to try and make you say what I needed you to say.  And those abs were so distracting!  Don’t you dare whip them out right now!  I’m an engaged woman!”

Kip pulls his t-shirt back down in defeat.

OHCH:  “Do you regret anything Kip?”

Kip:  “It doesn’t matter that I didn’t say I loved her earlier.  Because when I say it…I mean it.”

The entire audience busts out in unison with an affectionate, “Awwwwwww.”

Jillian:  “I hope he’s okay and I want him to be happy and I want him to fall in love.”

OHCH:  “You do realize that he is sitting right there, don’t you Jillian?”

Hare takes us to break and returns with an empty seat, ready to welcome my Reid.  He’s looking great with the tasseled hair and sheepish grin.  The audience goes nuts and Our Host calls him Mr. Popularity.

Hare takes him down memory lane and we see through picture-in-picture that Reid looks rather embarrassed.  I’m guessing he was re-thinking his footwear choice during the blessed event, but we can overlook that because he’s so dang adorable.

OHCH:  “How are you feeling buddy?”

Reid:  “It’s hard to watch.  I was denied twice.  I never thought I would lose her again.”

OHCH:  “But we’re still on for drinks tonight, right?”

Reid:  “Indubitably.”

OHCH:  “So you really thought that she would fall in love with you and accept your proposal on the spot.  Did you forget about the two other guys?”

Reid:  “In my head, there was only me.  When I saw her, she put her hand on her heart and I thought that I had it in the bag.”

For the second time, the audience swoons with a glorious, “Awwwwwww!”

Hare calls Jillian out so he can watch his new BFF squirm in awkward nervousness.  Reid wonders if Jillian was confused.  Jillian said there is nothing that could change the way she felt about Ed.  Reid admits that he still loves Jillian.  Jillian says she’s hurt for Reid but very blessed in her own life and let’s face it…the show is called THE BACHELORETTE.

Reid:  “I do have a question, but it’s about the fantasy suite.  And that’s just wrong.”

And this ladies and gentlemen…is why we love Reid.

Jillian looks like she is fake laughing because she didn’t get the joke as Hare calls up an audience member to ask Reid a question.  I believe I’m exaggerating when I guesstimate her age to be in the pre-teen phase.  She giggles and asks Reid if he is dating anyone and if he would like to go on a date with her.

Wisely, Reid flashes his adorable grin and asks how old the fetus is.  Everyone laughs.  Because Reid is awesome. 

Later, Harrison talks to Jillian alone and reminds her that she swore just minutes before getting engaged.  She admits that she understood this was a two-way street and that Ed may not get down on one knee and sometimes, a good old fashioned F#@% is exactly what is needed in that moment.  But now she is ready to go public with her Greg Brady look-alike.

Ed hops out from behind the partition, picks up his fiancé and twirls her around.  She squeals like a dolphin.  Hare rolls his eyes and pops a “happy” pill in his mouth so he can get through the remainder of the interview without throwing up.

Ed admits that he knew he was going to propose in Spain.  He claims that Jill will be moving in with him in Chicago and that their families are very excited.  He promises the network that they will be married in the next 12 months. 

Harrison pulls up another audience member who asks about Ed’s green shorty shorts. 

Jillian:  “I loved them.”

OHCH:  “You did NOT love those things.  You are a LIAR!”

Ed:  “They looked a lot longer in the store.”

OHCH:  “Seriously.  Dude.  Enough with the mankini shorts.  It’s over.  Don’t’ ever wear them again.”

Jillian:  “He has a blue pair too.”

OHCH:  “Blasphemous!”

Hare begins to walk around the set to calm down when another audience member asks a very lame question:

AM:  “How are things in the bedroom?”

Seriously ABC?  Seriously?  We are talking about this?  And Jillian is babbling on about how great things are?  Is no one embarrassed at what she is saying?  Is there no dignity any more?  Do we really need to know how things are in the bedroom?  Do we really care? 

I’m going with no.

Our Host pours a bucket of ice over Jillian and Ed so they can maintain focus for the slam bam finish. 

OHCH:  “A great country and western singer once said that love don’t come easy.  We wish you the best.”

This is why I heart Chris Harrison. 

Long live our host!

AND NOW FOR SOME RANDOM ANNOUNCEMENTS!

1. As you all know, webMAN hijacked my site and posted something about pimping me out.  He’s has wanted to do this forever and I think I’ve finally caved.  I don’t know what this will look like, but I think it will be fairly similar to Big Pimpin’ posts of before.  It makes my throat thick to think about it.  Say a prayer for me please.
2. Speaking of Big Pimpin’, I will have an update on Sergeant Cole and Lawrence this week.  Things are going well for my boys!
3. I will also be filling you in on how my friend lost a ton of weight. 
4. My mission trip to Qubah was intense.  Lots of fun stories and pictures.  Stay tuned for that!
5. Six words:  New Kids on the Block Concert.  Oh.  My.  Awesomeness. 

As you can see, there is still a ton to fill you in on in my life.  I want to thank each one of you for visiting the site and making my day with your emails, FB messages and comments.  I am truly blessed and have you all to thank for it! 

As always,

I’m all about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

It’s been a wild ride for our little Jillian.  She’s been on an incredible journey.  She let some dude lick her toes.  She left another poor soul on the train tracks in the Canadian wilderness.   She dumped a guy for being too perfect and lost her breath when he showed up at her door to out HWMNBN.  Her heart broke when Ed left her to go back to his job and then exploded when he returned to stake his claim.  She was sucked in by some pretty chach-tastic musical stylings of a wannabe country star.  She made a big mistake by kicking an adorable guy to the curb. 

Clearly, Our Host Chris Harrison was not exaggerating when he said that this has been the most emotional season in Bachelorette history.

And Jillian assures the camera that she is in love with the remaining two guys:

“Letting Reid go was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.  He is PERFECT for me.  I mean PERFECT.  But he never told me that he loved me and I need to hear that.  Several times a day.  I know Kiptynite doesn’t say it either, but have you seen his nine pack?  Seriously.  That trumps love any day.  And sure…Ed and I had issues on the fantasy suite date.  It didn’t go as well as planned and it messed with our heads.  No pun intended.  But he’s promised me that if I give him a second chance, it will be worth the wait.  How could I think about letting this guy go?  He picks me up EVERY TIME I see him.  It makes me feel dainty and light.  And that’s important to me.  It too trumps love.”

Ed Meets the Family

Jillian and Ed reunite on the Big Island of Hawaii.  He picks her up and twirls her around.  She thinks he does this because he loves how she is so petite.  I think it’s because it hurts his back to bend over so far down just to kiss her.  Perhaps it’s both.  They find a bench and sit down to talk.

Ed:  “The last time we were together, I had a hard time.”

Jillian:  “Well…technically, you didn’t have a hard…”

Ed:  “You know what I mean.  I want to reassure you that this time, there will be no pressure.”

Jillian:  “It seems we still have a problem.”

Ed:  “No, no…I mean…there will be pressure, but, what I’m saying is…”

Jillian:  “Not to worry Ed.  I understand.”

Jillian and Ed go to a bungalow to meet Peggy, Glen, Cousin Tori and Grandma.  Granny is still a little firecracker and tells the group that Ed is “terrifically good looking, eh?” 

Jillian jumps in head first and suggests that Ed tell his story.  Ed looks at her with wide eyes, visibly swallows and takes a deep breath.

Ed:  “There are times in a man’s life when he becomes really stressed out and is unable to perform in ways that he would like at a moment’s notice…”

Jillian stops him from further embarrassment, tells Cousin Tori to shut her mouth and gives Granny a glare for laughing.  She encourages Ed to tell the story about how he left the show for a few weeks.

Ed:  “Oh!  That makes more sense.  Coming on the show was huge for me.  I’m married to my job and it scared me to be gone for eight weeks.  I let the pressure get to me and I decided I didn’t want to sacrifice my career to be here.  So I left.”

Glen looks ticked.  Peggy looks disappointed.  Cousin Tori looks bored and Granny is flirting with the pool boy.

Ed:  “But then I couldn’t stop thinking about her.  I let her down.  I let myself down and I knew I needed to do whatever I could to get back on the show.  Luckily, Jillian took me back and I’m going to do everything in my power to show her that it was the right decision.”

Glen looks skeptical.  Peggy looks annoyed.  Cousin Tori looks smitten and Granny is bouncing the pool boy on her lap.

Peggy takes Ed to the front room to go through a list of 358 questions.  We learn that Ed wants at least three kids, wants to retire in Hawaii and thinks that honest and love is the glue that holds a marriage together.  Peg seemed happy with Ed’s answers, but she didn’t seem sold on the idea that he was the right one for Jilly.

Glen takes Ed out back and does very little talking.  Ed tells Glen he is in love with Jillian and will do whatever it takes to make it work.  He wants to give Jilly a ring and is curious about Glen’s thoughts on a potential proposal.  There is a long pause and Glen answers that he would love to see his daughter hitched and that he would do somersaults if a proposal took place at the end of this journey.

And what better way to celebrate the pending nuptials than an impromptu hula dance at sunset!  Cousin Tori and Jillian wear coconut bras over their shirts.  Nice!  They all sway back and forth in grass skirts.  Jillian is barking orders at Ed and he is quick to jump through her hoops.  Dorktastic!

Jillian:  “Today could have been really awkward and weird, but it wasn’t.”

Lincee:  “Were my eyes playing tricks on me, or were you not a part of the backyard hulu that just took place?  That was the definition of awkward.”

Jillian:  “Excuse me Lincee, but I would think that my fantasy date with Ed was the definition of awkward.  I mean, what was that all aboot?  Can you imagine coming out in a gossamer nightie and doing a sultry dance, only to get nothing out of the deal?  I even turned him over and stuck my…”

Lincee:  “Touché Jillian.  Touché.  Please stop talking.”

Kip Meets the Family

Kip runs to greet Jillian with a kiss that lasted about five minutes.  His tongue was all over the place and his approach was off.   Notably, there is physical chemistry and Jillian doesn’t seem to mind that she has to wipe her mouth every time they pull apart for air.

Jillian:  “My family is a lot like your family.”

Kip:  “So your Mom is not a fan of wire hangers?”

Jillian:  “Sure she will grill you, but you just have to go with the flow.  I’m not worried at all.  You’ll be great!”

Kip:  “I know I’ll be great Jillian.  It’s who I am.  I did 8,387 sit ups yesterday.  The abs, if I do say so myself, are rockin’.” 

Jillian squeals like a dolphin when she sees her parents again.  They sit down in the living room and she tells them that Kip was the first out of the limo and she was stuck immediately by his beauty.

Jillian:  “He was soooo good looking.  But I wondered if he had a brain.  Not only is he smart and cute, but he does charitable work on the side.  And his abs.  You should see his abs!  Stand up honey and show them your abs!”

Kip lifts his shirt.  Peggy begins to fan herself.  Cousin Tori begins to drool.  And Granny plays them like a washboard. 

Peggy pulls Kip aside grills him.  We learn that he wants two kids and that communication is key in a relationship.  He wants to marry his best friend and have coffee with her every morning. 

Glen takes Kip outside to give him the opportunity to ask for his daughter’s hand in marriage.  When he doesn’t, he inquires if he is in love with Jillian.  Kip dances around the direct question and tells Glen that he loves Jillian’s zest and passion for life and that there is a definite energy that he connects with. 

Glen does not look happy.

Jillian walks Kip to the car and makes out with him for 10 minutes.  It’s a good thing that this episode was two hours long, or we would have missed this tutorial on how NOT to kiss.  I like to think of it as ABC’s adult version of an After School Special.

Back inside, Granny tells Jillian that Kip is very, very, very, very nice.  Cousin Tori loves his gentle personality and that work isn’t a big deal to him.  She thinks Kip will balance Jillian well.  Glen loves Ed because he straight up told him that he loved Jillian.  Peg is drawn to Kip’s energy. 

But Jillian needs to reveal a secret and she wants to confide in Cousin Tori.  They scoot outside and dish. 

Jillian:  “My overnight date with Kip was HOT.  I wanted to rip his clothes off.”

CT:  “Yes.  I saw the abs.  I don’t blame you.  So what’s the problem?”

Jillian:  “With Ed, there wasn’t that feeling.  Remember that cheese cloth I bought from Frederick’s of Hollywood?  Nothing.  I wanted the night to be hot, heavy and steamy, but it was more lukewarm, limp and stale.”

CT:  “Again…what’s the problem?”

Overnight Ed Date

Ed tells the camera that he is in love and he wants to seal the deal. 

Yes.  He said, “I want to seal the deal.  Tonight must be a success.”

I love how we aren’t even trying to hide the fact that these two are going to be doing the horizontal tango in a matter of hours.  We used to speculate back in the day.  Now we just talk about our bedroom problems and air all the dirty laundry.  Because honest is the best policy. 

Jillian pulls up to Ed’s hotel in a red Jeep.  Sadly, Ed has chosen to wear his terrycloth sleeveless shirt.  You know the one.  The scoop neck is just an inch or two too scoopy?  The one that probably came out of the Magnum P.I. wardrobe check in 1979?  Yeah…that’s the one. 

They hop aboard a chopper for the seventh time this season.  Jillian and Ed are so over the helicopter, so they just make out in the back seat as Gary the camera guy gets b-roll footage for later.  The chopper drops them off near a rain forest and they swim around in a lagoon by a waterfall.

Annnnnnd there are the green shorty shorts again.  Seriously ABC intern.  I’m disappointed that you did not intervene from our last experience with the green shorty shorts.  Head in the game, man.  C’mon!

Jillian:  “So how have you been feeling these last few days?”

Ed:  “Much better.  You are like one of my best guy friends.”

Lincee:  What the what?

Ed:  “You are beautiful.   You are a genius for keeping me here.  You are perfect for me.  I will never leave you again.”

Jillian blushes and curls up into a ball so he can hold her like a baby.

Ed tells the camera that the day’s chemistry was amazing, but there is a lot of pressure building up.  He gives the thumbs up sign and says that everything is going well and he’s ready to take it to the next level.

Ed invites Jillian back to his place and everyone walks cautiously and slowly back to the bungalow, careful not to make any sudden movements.  They don’t want to scare “anything” away.

Jillian tells the camera that the physical and sexual chemistry was there.  ABC shows the bedroom light turning off followed by a tight shot of the volcano spewing lava.

I’m assuming they had sex, but one can’t be too sure. 

Overnight Kip Date

KIP’S ABS!  FOR REAL!  THERE THEY ARE!  PAUSE THE TV! 

Seriously.  That boy should carry things over his head all the time.  Why did we not see more of those luscious abs this season?  We should bronze them or something.

I’m getting of target.

Jillian arrives to pick Kiptynite up on a blow-up speed boat.  He hops in and begins making out because let’s face it…that’s what they do.  They straddle a surfboard and paddle out to their own personal rocky island.  They have a picnic and eat fruit off of each other’s stomachs. 

Maybe that part was just in my head, but whatever. 

Back at Kip’s place, he decides to confess to Jillian that he is nervous for the first time in his life.  He admits that he would be hurt if he lost her.  He takes a leap of faith and tells her that he is falling in love. 

I personally think he was doing this because he knows Jillian needed to hear that in order to pick him.  And since he’s a winner and never has been dumped, he needed that security and was willing to go for broke. 

Rose Ceremony

Jillian tells us that she is excited for the future and that both men are perfect for her.  She reads notes from the boys and I didn’t take time to pause and read what they said, because…I don’t care.  She’s picked Ed and Kip is about to experience heartbreak like the rest of us. 

Kip goes to look at rings and chooses a lovely one that any girl would be proud to wear.  Then he goes for a run on the beach shirtless. 

Thank you ABC.  I have a feeling this is the last time I will see that impeccable nine pack. 

Ed feels that he is ready to be a husband.  Unfortunately, he picks a pear shaped ring and the diamond guy does not stop him from making this mistake.  Bless his heart.

Jillian puts on her engagement dress that looks like it came from David’s Bridal and twirls around in the mirror.  Kip stares at his ring.  Ed prays in the back seat of the car. 

Our Host Chris Harrison greets Polly Pocket outside of the bungalow and escorts her to the freshly stained bridge that inevitably leaves rust marks on Jillian’s engagement dress.  But she doesn’t care. 

Jillian:  “I’m nervous.”

Hare:  “You know what to do.  You know what you want.  Suck it up babe.”

Jillian tells the camera that it is going to kill her to let this guy go.  There are so many things she loves about this guy and she adores him.

Kip exits the limo.  No one is surprised.

Jillian:  “You are incredible.  You have that spark for life that I have been looking for.  You are all the things I’ve always dreamed of.  But I’ve fallen in love with someone else.”

Kip:  “I’m a man, and I’ll get through this.  I want you to be happy.  Thank you for everything.  You are incredible and Ed’s a lucky man.”

Kip rubs his heart as he leaves the pier.  I’m not sure if it’s because his heart is breaking, or he’s making sure he still has the receipt for the ring.  Regardless, he left with class.  I’m so glad he just got in the limo and didn’t kiss her or make a fool of himself. 

Kip tells the ABC psychotherapist that he is hurting and wonders why strange liquid is squeezing from his eyes.  She explains that these are called “tears” and that he should embrace the moment.  He’s experiencing growth and has just taken a leap of faith. 

Jillian is super excited for Ed to show up.  But what is this?  A red bulky taxi?  A pair of sneakers and khakis?  What happened to Ed’s unusually short navy tights and purple tie with his grey suit?  What’s going on here?

Enter Reid.

Cue “Hallelujah Chorus.” 

Reid:  “I had to pull multiple strings to get back on this island.  Well, technically, I only had to call Hare.  He and I became tight because we are witty and talented men and he gave me his number because he wants to hang out when the show ends.  I can’t wait.  I love that guy.  Anyway…there is no doubt in my mind that Jillian and I are perfect for each other and that she is making a big mistake.  I’m going to tell her how I feel and then propose.”

Hare makes a quick call to Caesar the limo driver and asks him to make a few trips around the island.  We are in CODE BLUE! 

Reid saunters down the pier into Jillian’s arms.  She is literally clinging to him and hugging him for dear life.  She is completely shocked as he spills his guts to her.  He tells her everything she ever wanted to hear, including the fact that he loves her.

Reid:  “I was an idiot.”

Jillian:  “I don’t know what to think!  Letting you go was so hard.  It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  Including how I just kicked the dude with phenomenal abs to the curb.  What am I supposed to do here?”

Reid:  “Our connection was indescribable.  The connection we have is real and it is meant to be.”

My jaw is wide open and I can’t take my eyes off the TV.

Reid drops to one knee and she jerks him back up.

Negative Ghost Rider.  The pattern is full.

Jillian:  “Do you know what’s going on right here?  Right now?”

Reid:  “Yes.  What’s going on, here without me, is all wrong.”

Reid puts his head to her head in that special way as she mumbles on about how she just needs to think. 

I keep yelling KISS HER to the TV, but Reid doesn’t move an inch.

Jillian:  “I have to think about un-making a decision.”

Lincee:  We call that changing your mind, but whatever.  TEAM REID!  Un-make the decision.  UN-MAKE THE DECISION!”

Jillian asks Reid to wait for her as she scoots inside to find Harrison. 

The ABC camera gets a shot of Ed at a drive through ordering French fries.

Jillian:  “How am I supposed to make a decision?”

OHCH:  “What’s your gut telling you?  It’s still up to you, Jillian.  If you are in love with Ed, stand by your convictions.  Are you in love with Reid?  Because America sure is…”

Jillian:  “Not helping Chris.  What do I do?”

OHCH:  “Use the force Jillian.”

Jillian:  “Stop talking like Yoda and HELP ME MAN!”

OHCH:  “Are you excited about this guy getting down on one knee and proposing to you?”

Jillian:  “Yes.”

OHCH:  “Do you want him to be your husband?”

Jillian:  “Yes.”

OHCH:  “Then my work here is done.  Help you I did, yes?”

Jillian goes out to tell Reid that her heart belongs to Ed.  She wants to stick with her decision she made this morning.  She assures Reid that she cares about him and will never forget their chemistry. 

Then we experienced the longest, saddest hug in television history.

He snuggles into her hair to remember the smell and kisses her hand.  He waves a tearful goodbye as the taxi schleps him back to the airport. 

Call me Reid. 

Jillian has now sweated and cried all her makeup off as she takes her position at the proposal rock pedestal.  Third time down the pier that stains your dress is a charm!  She wipes mascara from under her eyes and hoists her strapless dress up as she eloquently tells the crew, “Ed better no BLEEPING disappoint me.”

Someone get her a shot of whiskey.  My girl’s nerves are toast!

Ed arrives and Jillian is spent.  She just wants a ring on her finger, but Ed is persistent.  He wants to get the speech out that he’s been practicing for the last four hours in the back of the limo.

Ed: “You may not know how much you’ve impacted me and changed me as a man and helped me reprioritize my life.  You are everything I’ve ever asked for in a woman.  Beautiful, intelligent, funny, confident.  I know that I love you, I need to know that you love me.”

Ed pauses before pulling out the ring to hear Jillian’s response.

Jillian:  “There is no doubt in my mind that I am madly in love with you.”

They hug and kiss and he picks her up and swings her around.  He asks if she will marry him.  She squishes her nose up at the pear shaped diamond, but then decides that beggars can’t be choosers and agrees with a hearty, “ABSOLUTELY!”

I’m so glad she wore her flowy engagement dress, because her legs were able to wrap around his waist for the perfect twirl.  Then she jumps on his back and they run down the pier together.

Although I think it is love, she sure did have a hard time getting over Reid.  Should we be concerned?  Should we be nervous? 

We’ll find out TONIGHT on After the Final Rose!

Until tomorrow,

I’m all about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

But Hare set her straight.  He talked her off the edge and reminded her that she was in love with Greg Brady. 

I’m going to say if they make it past a year, they just might make it all the way!

Recap coming up.

Mike Brady from the Hawaii episode?

Or Larry Bird in his glory days?

I can’t decide.

While I ponder, I’m also going to be working on a deadline. I’m giving you guys FAIR WARNING that the recap will be up later today.

I know. This job so gets in the way of my writing.

Was ABC trying to trick us with weird editing? Or did we witness perfect irony with Ed having e.d.? Are you glad Jillian gave the Reid the boot now instead of him coming in runner up? Do you see chemistry with Kiptynite? Did you think it was darling that Jillian kept with the exhibitionist theme of this season and wore a see-through night shirt?

This is your chance to sound off. Make yourself heard America.

1. I prayed to the good Lord that Jillian would take the forgo card from the date with “He Who Must Not Be Named” and tear it up into tiny little pieces.

2. I wanted Kiptynite to say, “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die!” and have a sword fight with Jillian. That would have been way better than the flamenco dancing.

A girl can only dream.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Easter candy or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelors on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

There were several things that were off about last night’s episode.

Let’s start with the gut-wrenching absence of Our Host Chris Harrison. The poor dude got left out in the cold and didn’t get to score precious miles on the non-stop flight to Spain. That’s cold ABC. Hare is the backbone of this show. Don’t deny your audience the inevitable zingers that we will receive at any given moment. He’s the REAL reason we all watch this train wreck.

Second, I don’t think I’ve tucked a shirt into my pants in about 10 years. Therefore, I’m not up on the latest belting trends. Is it “the thing” to slide the buckle, which is traditionally poised directly below the belly button, off to the left of center? I found this distracting as Jillian meandered around Madrid looking forlorn and waifish.

And finally, can we please, PLEASE make the transition to a one-hour episode? Do we really need 30 minutes of Jillian recapping the remaining Bachelors? We’ve been there every step of the way with our beloved Polly Pocket. We know these guys better than they know themselves. What could she possibly reveal that is new information?

Kiptynite
“My heart and jaw dropped to the floor when I saw him for the first time. We had instant chemistry. However, he might be too perfect. I know I dumped Jake for that same reason, but have you seen Kip’s nine pack? It’s amazing!”

Huh. I bet the nine pack is a site to behold. Let me give you a little tip. Abs generally come in multiples of two.

Reid
“Reid and I are moving very, very slowly and we are way different. He’s nothing like what I picture myself with in my head. That guy looks a lot like Ed with Kip’s nine pack. But Reid makes me laugh. What does that mean?”

Marry him. Marry him NOW.

Ed
“Ed dumped me for his career, but he is back. I’m not sure how I feel about that, but I do know that I need to be a priority. He needs to pick me up, twirl me around and make out with me at every possible moment. There’s just something about him that is intriguing and I can’t put my finger on it.”

He’s the reincarnate of Greg Brady. Mystery solved.

Cheese Ass
“He is soooo my type. He’s the gorgeous, bad boy country guy that I want to be with. He is far from perfect, but there’s something there that assures me that he cares.”

[crickets chirping]

Jillian’s first date is with Kiptynite. She babbles on about how wonderful he is and we are reminded that Jilly is straight up intimidated and insecure when it comes to the wonder that is Kip. She adjusted her belt buckle and positions herself at the top of some stairs. Kip sees her and they race to the middle. He pulls her in his arms and she wraps her legs around him like she did back in the Jason days.

They walk hand-in-hand (Jillian closes her eyes and pretends Kip is her real boyfriend) and start talking about how they haven’t seen each other since the home town date.

Jillian: “Your family is so cool. And your Mom is a doll.”
Lincee: Not quite the word I would choose. Well played Jill.
Kip: “They loved you.”

Jillian: “Really? That’s a relief. Did you get a chance to talk about me after I left? What did your sister say? You know she mentioned babies…”
Kip: “She asked me if I would propose at the end of the show.”

Jillian holds her breath and makes sure not to make any sudden movements.

Kip: “I think a proposal seems far off. It’s something I want to do the right way once and not rush. You understand, right Jilly?”
Jillian: “It would be wicked cool to get a proposal at the end of this show. I would sooo swing my hand in Jason’s face the next time I saw him at a D-List celebrity event. Don’t you think a big part of this is a leap of faith?”

Kip steps back from Jillian and slowly lifts the front of his t-shirt. Four of the nine abs peek out and she is instantly hypnotized.

Jillian: “I want a proposal, but let’s be realistic. Wanna go flamenco dancing?”

Seriously. Jillian and Kiptynite are flamenco dancing with Maria and Ricardo. This just proves that the two of them have nothing to say to each other and the ABC producer has to scramble around Madrid to find random things for them to do. And to top it off, they costume them in traditional flamenco attire!

Kip’s pants were tight. And I don’t mean tight, tight. I mean TIGHT. I’d be willing to bet that the ABC intern poured half a bottle of baby oil down Kip’s pants so he could slither inside. I’m guessing that scissors were used to release his appendages from said pants.

They dance. It was lame. I felt embarrassed for them.

Luckily, the scene quickly changed to later that night. Jillian, wearing a school girl skirt from the Britney Spears “Hit Me Baby One More Time” video, squeals when she sees Kip and suggests that they take a scooter ride to dinner. This was the second time I was embarrassed for them, because not only was I afraid all of Madrid would see Jill’s who-ha, but those scooter helmets were not anywhere near attractive. I’m happy to report that they arrived to dinner in one piece.

Jillian: “I had fun today. Your pants were super tight.”
Kip: “I could barely get the button closed and the zipper…it was scary.”
Jillian: “Wow. You could have hurt the boys.”
Kip: “I know. I thought we might have to have a pre-mature kid conversation after today!”

It was funny watching the blood drain from Kip’s face as he uttered these words.

Jillian: “So…you want kids?”
Kip: “Yep. Hey look! Escargot! Let’s choke these puppies down?”

Jillian is distracted by the slippery little suckers and they laugh at each other forcing snails down their throats, chased by half a bottle of wine.

Jillian: “What’s one thing past girlfriends would want to change about you?”
Kip: “That I would have a twin brother. HEY OHHH!”

Jillian: “Huh. I know I only known you for three days, but I would make you tougher. You are too much of a softie. You remind me a lot of my Dad. And that bugs because my Mom wears the pants in the family. You are too generous and sweet and would never tell me I’m bad. And I like to be spanked, so what’s up with that?”
Kip: “If I have an opinion, you will know.”

Jillian: “Great. But what about the spanking part?”

All of a sudden, a waiter appears out of nowhere and presents the couple with the infamous forgo card date. Kip has no clue what it is and wants to know if Harrison consulted with Jillian before assuming that she was an overnight kind of girl.

Jillian: “Do you want to go to the forgo room?”
Kip: “Sounds great to me. I’ll let you count my abs.”

Jillian: “Syke! I just wanted to make sure you liked me enough to say yes. But I don’t want to spend an entire night with someone who doesn’t want to propose. I would like to cuddle!”

Oh that’s every man’s dream! Kip is quick to get Jillian horizontal on the big fluffy forgo bed and make out. Unfortunately, since Jillian technically withdrew the forgo offer, the ABC intern is sent in with the daunting task of tapping Kip on the shoulder to let him know that it’s past midnight and he has to go to his non-forgo room.

Jillian follows him to the door and they kiss again. She says that she wants him to not be able to live without her. He says that things are getting warmer. I blush because that sounded dirty.

The next day, Reid surprises Jillian with a great big “Hola mi amore!” He tells her she is “muy bonita” and then giggles in her ear, admitting that that is all the Spanish he knows.

Jillian hands Reid a picnic basket and they head to the market to by all the fixings for a lunch in the park. Unfortunately, their Spanish sucks. Jillian thinks the guy is saying that the bread is brown when he actually means small. Then he tries to hand them raw meat on several occasions, but Reid finally pulled it together with the help of limited vocabulary words and some pretty impressive universal sign language. At the checkout counter, we experience Reid at his finest:

Reid: “Como estas?”
Butcher: “Muy bien. How are you?”
Reid: “Soy grande. That means very good, right?”
Butcher: “That mean BIG.”
Reid: “You mean I’ve been telling people I’m big all day?”
Butcher: “Si.”
Reid: “Fabulous.”

Jillian tells the camera that she and Reid are good travelers.

Jillian: “I can see me and Reid going to different countries together. We would frustrate ourselves, but there would be multiple times a day that I would want to pee myself from laughing.”

MARRY THIS GUY YOU FOOL!

She then reminds us…again…that he is not who she pictured herself with, but she feels like they would make a good team. Reid starts to open up a little and tells Jillian that he’s not good at conversations like this.

Reid: “Every time we hang out, it gets better. You know it takes me a while to open up and tell someone how I’m feeling.”

Jillian is unable to contain herself.

Jillian: “HOW DO YOU FEEL REID?”

Reid gives a little smile and turns on the aw shucks charm.

Reid: “I’m attracted to you. We are similar in personalities. If this continues to go in the direction I think it’s going, that will be a good thing.”

Later that night, Jillian (of course) runs up to Reid and squeals and throws her arms around his shoulders. They go to have dinner on a veranda.

Jillian: “Did you have fun today?”
Reid: “I did.”

Jillian: “So, uhm, you generalize…which is awesome by the way, but there are times when I want to say WHAT DO YOU MEAN REID? So I’m going to light a fire under your butt and ask you what you mean.”
Reid: “I’m so confused. What do I mean about what?”

Jillian: “Like, how are you feeling?”
Reid: “Well…you are a good person and friendly. You are smart, you make me laugh and you are easy to talk to. You sure smell good and the chemistry is there and it’s natural and effortless…why did you just roll your eyes?”

Jillian: “You had me at smell good. Hey! What’s this?”

A nameless Spaniard delivers the forgo card and Jillian hands it to Reid. He questions if it will be in Spanish and I fall head over heels for this dude.

Team Reid people. Jump on BOARD!

He reads the card and tells Jillian that he is leaving the forgoing up to her because it’s the gentlemanly thing to do. Then she kisses him for a good 30 seconds. Reid wonders if this is a green light.

But Jillian puts the kibosh on that fantasy and tells him just kidding. Reid laments the fact that these forgo cards will be handed out on all the dates and mentions that this bugs him.

Jillian: “Why does that bug you?”
Reid: “What do you mean?”
Jillian: “I want you to elaborate.”
Reid: “With details? Are you crazy?”
Jillian: “What is it that bugs you about it?”
Reid: “Oh, I don’t know…someone else kissing you?”

Sounds like someone is fishing for another compliment and likes her boys to be jealous.

We next find Jillian on Reid’s back…piggy style.

Reid: “Did you know you can pay someone to carry you like this in Philly?”
Jillian: “Really?”
Reid: “Nope.”

Jillian admits Reid has her heart and that she might be falling in love.

Me too girl. Me too.

Next up is Ed. Jillian admits that she missed out on a lot of key things with Ed. She didn’t get to meet his family. He broke her heart. But the most important thing is to fit in all the extra kisses that she was denied in these two weeks.

The second most important thing is to find some new shorts because for some reason, hers were wet.

They decide to start over in a carriage ride. Jillian is insistent on putting her legs over his lap. He talks about how he missed her every day and how he only thought of her when he was kicking butt and taking names at Microsoft. He tells her that he is bummed she didn’t get to meet his family and sing karaoke with them.

Actually, I’m sad I didn’t get to see that either.

In the next scene, the viewer experiences a voiceover from Jillian. As she talks about how she wants to be irresponsible with Ed and just make out all over Spain, the ABC producers edit the piece to show the pair in a fountain (hence the wet shorts) making out with full on butt grabbing. I’m assuming this is not normal to have Americans traipsing around in this particular fountain, because several spectators looked both annoyed and in shock. After 30 minutes of these shenanigans, the ABC intern is asked to forgo his own socks and shoes and get the pair out of the fancy old fountain and into their rooms to get ready for dinner.

At dinner, Ed asks Jillian about living outside of Vancouver. Jillian tries not to squeal and buys some time by taking a sip of wine. She answers calmly:

Jillian: “I’m not opposed to moving.”
Ed: “Chicago wouldn’t be perfect. But we could grow together. You are exactly what I’m looking for. I see us being together for a long, long time. Jillian? Are you okay?”

Jillian snaps out of her wedding daydream and asks Ed if he thinks she would like Chicago.

Ed: “It’s all about eating. And I would love to take you to a Cubs game.”
Jillian: “I’m not sure about the game, but hot dogs, beer and people…I’m in!”

I soldier from the Spanish Army brings the forgo card on a silver platter. Ed suggests Jill read the note. She does so…in baby talk.

Uh oh. She’s going to forgo her no forgo plan.

Ed: “I would love to spend the night with you.”
Lincee: Doh!
Jillian: “That’s great, but I’m super protective with my feelings with you. I worry about getting hurt.”

She pouts out her lip and waits for him to respond.

Ed: “You can interpret this in many ways. For me, it’s getting more time with you. I missed out a lot and it is bothering me.”
Lincee: Well played Ed. You just scored a forgo card.

Jillian takes the bait and they end up horizontal on the forgo bed. Just as Jillian begins another round of “questions that end in a way that compliments me,” Ed kisses her hand and she glazes over.

Jillian: “We are sleeping in our clothes.”
Ed: “You are my favorite part about Spain.”

Wow. Good line.

And now it’s time for the Dillweed. Part of me wants to skip this entire section because I don’t feel like giving him the time of day. But I will admit that he provided the most entertainment of the night. Up until this point, I was bored out of my mind!

He tells the camera that he doesn’t know the music scene “here” but he was number one in Chihuahua, Mexico. Then he says that he feels home around Spanish people.

Hi Cheese Ass! It’s Lincee. Spain is a country in Europe. Do you remember getting on the plane and handing the nice man your passport and getting your first stamp ever? That’s right! You are in Spain. Not Mexico. They are not the same. Remember how you get pissed off when people think you are from Georgia because of your accent? It’s the same thing.

He Who Must Not Be Named approaches Jillian in the streets of Barcelona. They don’t hug. First red flag. How many times has Chach been all over Jilly in episodes past? Every time! They hop on a couple of bikes and pedal over to a gazebo where they stop for lunch.

Jillian is going above and beyond to let him know that she is excited to see him. He often responds with very monotone answers.

Jillian: “I am happy to be spending time with you!”
HWMNBN: “I miss hanging out. Honestly Jill, I think you are perfect.”

Jillian tells the camera that for someone who thinks she is so perfect, he certainly did sit as far away from her as possible. She also admits that she is analyzing every little detail he says. She decides to put him to the test.

Jillian: “Would you move to Vancouver? Hypothetically of course…”
HWMNBN: “That would be crazy.”
Jillian: “Would you at least meet in the middle somewhere?”
HWMNBN: “Wow…that bird only has one leg.”

Then he spills his beer so they can leave.

Still a little unsure why all these red flags are waving in her face, Jillian decides to have dinner with the Dillweed. She shows up in a beautiful red dress. He wears the same western shirt from three days ago and a pair of holey jeans.

Jillian wonders why their affection is not stronger and why he is so distant.
Cheese Ass wonders if he can catch the first flight out of town in time to make his appearance at the Dixie Chicken in College Station later that week.

Jillian decides to bring up the girlfriend issue again.

Jillian: “You are the guy I’m attracted to. But I can’t ignore the red flags. I don’t care what people say, but I want to be educated about my answers and defend myself when confronted.”
HWMNBN: “I don’t have a girlfriend.”

Jillian: “But you do have a career that can benefit from this.”
HWMNBN: “If I came here to sell records, my mission would already be accomplished. I’ve already played songs and you heard my band. Any publicity is good publicity.”

Kick him to the CURB girl. What in the world!

Jillian: “If you were crazy about me, you would have kissed me. You asked me to trust you and I did. I’m thinking you might not be telling the truth cowboy.”
HWMNBN: “I’m thinking about you and the other guys.”

Give me a break.

Jillian: “If you feel different about me, I need to know that.”
HWMNBN: “I’m not here to hurt you. I here to be true to myself. Numero uno is most important.”

Jillian gets up from the table, throws her glass of wine in his face and storms off into the…

Wait. No, no…I’m mistaken. She goes in for another kick to the gut. Let’s listen!

Jillian: “I think this Laurel person is important to you.”
HWMNBN: “I spent six years with her. She’s one of my best friends.”
Jillian: “Why would Jake give me a specific name?”
HWMNBN: “Because I told him about her. I said she was my girlfriend. I mean…oops…ex-girlfriend. My bad.”

Annnnnd she kicks him to the…wait. Forgo card. This should be good.

Cheese Ass reads the forgo card. Why she let him read it is beyond me, but she did. He casually suggests they spend the night together. Jillian finally sees reason and tells him that she thinks it’s best if they go their separate ways tonight. The cab door has barely shut before Chach is on his cell phone texting his manager to prepare for a media blitz upon his return the next day. Their evil plan WORKED!

Jillian: “Tonight, I had a lot of questions answered and it became very clear that he has something to hide.”

Rose Ceremony
Even though Hare was absent from the rose ceremony, his voiceover preparing us for the event was too cute when he said it was going to be dramatic…as if we didn’t know the outcome.

Three of our four Bachelors are looking quite spiffy in nice suits. They spot Jillian approaching and begin to fidget.

Kip: “She looks nervous.”
Reid: “She can’t be. This is a cake walk.”
HWMNBN: “If it’s me, just know that I’ll be home having lots of sex.”

Classy.

Jillian arrives in a trendy feather duster outfit and walks herself up to the Spanish podium of doom. She smiles and tells the Bachelors that she has never been MORE SURE of anything in her entire life.

Naturally, roses go to Ed, Reid and Kiptynite.

Because Our Host wasn’t there to tell Cheese Ass to say his goodbyes, there was a little bit of unnecessary lingering before Jillian offered to walk Chach out to the limo.

HWMNBN: “I am the first guy to make it to top four with a girlfriend. My acting days are over. I’ve done everything I needed to do. I have my dog, my band and radio tour. It’s about to go down. I’m in Spain and they will know my name. I’m cutting the chains. Hey…that’s sounds like a hit. Does anyone have a pen?”

I beg of each and every one of you to not purchase a CD, take a photo or attend any event that has anything to do with Dillweed and his merry band of Chaches. That is all I will say on the matter.

Next week…Hawaii! And let the record show that I KNEW something was up with the lack of forgoing on the forgo dates. I figured there would be another opportunity for Jillian to forgo. Here’s hoping that the E.D. tease was just a tease.

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

You guys discuss below. Recap coming up!

I mean, Ed already pretended to come back and ask for a second chance. Didn’t we have enough “drama” in one episode already?

I would have preferred if Wes was kicked off and then made a “surprise” visit when Jillian was on a super romantic date with Kiptynite in Spain next week and Wes showed up as the token musical act in the outdoor amphitheater. He sings her his hit song that went number one in Chihuahua, Mexico and is surrounded by flamingo dancers. We later learn that the mysterious brunette who shakes her hips a little too seductively for prime time television is named Laurel.

Coincidence? I think not. Now that’s drama I can stand behind.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Easter candy or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelors on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

We meet Jillian walking down a Canadian street in her super bright lemon yellow scarf and her favorite pair of casual sunburst earrings. She is excited about the home town dates and is nervous that the families may not like her.

Home Town Date One
Philadelphia, PA
Reid

Let me just start off by saying that I love this guy. He’s so normal. And I fear that that normalcy is going to be his downfall in the end. Clearly, Jilly’s freak flag radar is on the fritz, but I don’t think she sees Reid for the breath of fresh air that he is in her life.

The dude brought her a cup of coffee.

Why I think that is adorable is beyond me, but I did. Home girl squeals her head off when she sees him standing next to the Rocky Balboa statue and runs into his arms. The arms that are attached to the hands that each hold a steaming cup of hot coffee.

Head in the game Jilly. Head in the game.

Sweet Reid maneuvers an awkward hug and manages not to scald himself as Jillian pouts because he didn’t pick her up and execute the patented “You are so tiny!” twirl and release.

Reid shows her the architecture of the city and reminds us that he is in the family business of real estate. Jill reminds us that she is super insecure and asks Reid 12 times if he thinks his family will like her. During this entire conversation 30 second conversation, they give each other little peck kisses about four times. They appear to be very comfortable and already falling into a routine.

Reid introduces Jillian to his Mom Rhonda, Dad Larry and brothers. Rhonda reminds Reid that he’s turning 30 in just two days and that he isn’t getting any younger and could be please move this proposal along already!

Reid gives his best Chandler Bing face and shakes his head at his Mom.

Rhonda jumps on the realtor bandwagon and tries to convince Jillian that they need an interior designer in the family to help stage the houses. Then she drags Jillian away to talk about babies and to not be intimidated by Reid’s tendency to be cautious in the beginning of new relationships.

Later, Jillian talks to the brothers and asks why he is still single.

Brother 1: “I think it’s because he is wrapped up in his career. But he’s also been hurt in the past, so that might be it.”
Brother 2: “No, no. It’s because he has a problem with women. They just eventually go away. He has a problem with commitment.”

Hey brothers! That’s called throwing Reid under the bus. Stop that now.

The sisters-in-law show up with the grandmother who is affectionately known as Mom Mom. They are carrying a cake with candles and Reid leans forward to blow them out.

In an effort to congratulate him for his exhaling efforts, Jillian leans in to give him a birthday peck. Unfortunately, Reid was not expecting the birthday peck and looked as if he was going to either pass out or throw up as a result of said peck. Jillian, for some reasons, mistakes this for an invitation for round two and lays another one on him. He stares at her, baffled, and says out loud to the room that he is uncomfortable.

You and me both Reid.

As the shocked crowd looks at the pair, Rhonda makes matters more awkward by proclaiming this is the first time she’s seen her son kiss a girl in front of the family.

Reid gets up to breathe in and out of a paper bag while Jillian offers to cut the birthday cake.

Home Town Date Two
Valencia, CA
Michael

Precious, adorable Michael skips up to the front door of his parents’ house and surprises his family waiting for him inside.

It was as if someone won the lottery. Mama Lynn is jumping up and down in sheer jubilee. Daddy Frank is pounding his boy’s back and pulling him in for a bear hug. And identical twin Steve is giving him a wedgie with the biggest smile on his face.

Michael tells his family that Jillian is funny, unbelievable and smoking hot. Then the door bell rings.

Michael answers the door and pretends to faint as the family starts jumping up and down again. Jillian walks in and we see the light click on in her head when she realizes that Michael’s energy is genetic. He picks her up and twirls her around before introducing her to the group. Sadly, his sister Jenna is in Australia and can’t be with them tonight.

Raise your hand if you knew at that moment that Jenna would be showing up for dinner? Me too. You may put your hands down now.

Jillian reminds us that Michael is tons of fun and makes her laugh. She also reminds us that she has a problem with his age.

Bless Michael’s heart. What can he do to show her that he is mature and ready to settle down and have a family?

I’m guessing that the ole switcheroo is not in the cards my friend.

Michael is upstairs switching clothes with is brother and shaving his scruff.

Steve: “Dude. You have to drop the love bomb.”
Michael: “No.”
Steve: “Dude…”
Michael: “OK.”

Michael (posing as Steve) walks in the kitchen and asks to get some alone time with Jillian. Without missing a beat, she asks why he shaved his scruff and then instructs him to change back into his original clothes as she rolls her eyes and returns to chopping the carrots for dinner.

Just like she did when she used to babysit the Scherbatsky twins back in Alberta when she was 16-years-old.

The real Steve pulls Jillian aside and looks her in the eye:

Steve: “Straight up Jillian…is Michael’s age a factor?”
Jillian: “Yes. And stop starring at my boobs. Eyes up here mister.”

Steve: “Michael is ready to settle down. Since we were little, we wanted to marry young. We will be good husbands and fathers.”
Jillian: “We? Is this a two-for-one deal?”

Steve: “Mike wants a wife.”
Jillian: “That’s nice dear. Now go play.”

At the dinner table, Papa Frank tells us that it is a Stagliano family tradition to answer questions during the meal. Jillian is first up:

Papa Stag: “Name three things about yourself that you are most proud of.”
Jillian: “I can laugh at anything. [Eat your vegetables Steve.] I love to see good. [Get your elbows off the table Michael.] And I’m proud of my energy and work ethic.”

As suspected, the long-lost Australian sister busts through the door. Michael is so glad she took the time to come back home to meet Jillian because he could never date a girl who is not given the stamp of approval by his sister.

And then we never see her again.

Instead, we are treated to Mom and Daddy Stag swing dancing as Michael and Steve face-off in a break dancing match that would deem worthy of another Electric Boogaloo: Taking It To The Streets.

Michael escorts Jillian out the front door. She leans in for a little peck and rushes off to fantasize about Kiptynite’s abs.

Michael says that words will never be able to describe his affection for Jillian. Then he is hit in the back of the head by a water balloon from Steve who is now mooning us from the balcony.

Good times.

Home Town Date Three
San Diego, CA
Kiptynite

Jillian is surprised that she has developed feelings for all the other boys, because have you seen Kip’s abs? She runs down a path adjacent to the ocean and squeals in excitement. She tells him that she can’t believe he lives in such a pretty place and then wonders if his parents will like her.

As they drive up to the mansion, she is already intimidated, because clearly they are a little bit more refined than what she is used to. Eve and Earl appear to be society.

But wait! They are society who secretly watches the filthy show The Bachelor and have humorously asked the gardener to place yellow police caution tape around their Jacuzzi.

Oh Eve. Oh Earl. You slay me.

Jillian goes for broke and says, “That won’t stop me!” Luckily, the parents think this is mildly funny and decide she is worthy of the next test.

Eve leads Jillian to an outdoor bar that has four glasses of wine and two lasagnas. Jillian’s mission, should she choose to accept it, is to decide which dish is in fact Earl’s great-great-Sicilian grandmothers recipe and which wine is the perfect pairing.

She must choose wisely, or go home using the maid’s entrance out back.

Jillian has a nervous look on her face as she shoves noodles in her mouth. She drinks from all four glasses and makes the choice.

Eve is elated! She chose wisely! She and Earl begin to congratulate Jill. Unfortunately, it was in French, but who cares! Kip was there to translate! Jill chose correctly! She will not embarrass her at future Junior League wine tastings…that’s for sure. We will have to do something about those neck scarves. Perhaps something from Hermes next time?

Eve quickly takes the two glasses closest to her and marches over to dump the contents into the hydrangea bushes. The smell of wine housed in cardboard makes her eyes twitch.

At dinner, the “problem child” sister Davia begins her questioning.

Davia: “How do you stay grounded in all of this?”
Jillian: “Good question. I’m the only single one left of all my friends. The last wedding I attended was so awesome and I thought to myself, ‘I want that.’”

Davia: “She’s a keeper little brother. Why don’t you get her pregnant?”

Eve hastily grabs her crystal bell and summons the cook to bring dessert as she gives the evil eye to her first born. After dinner, Eve corners Jillian for some serious one-on-one time.

Eve: “Do you believe in unconditional love?”
Jillian: “Sure.”

Eve: “Huh. I don’t. Interesting. If you could change one thing about yourself to make Kip a happier man, what would you change?”
Jillian: “Don’t you mean change something about myself to make ME happier?”

Eve: “That’s not the question was it?”
Jillian: “I’m not sure how to answer this. I guess I would work for happiness.”

Eve: “Explain yourself.”
Jillian: “Well…I’ve had to work really hard for happiness in the past.”

Eve: “That makes you weak, doesn’t it?”
Jillian: “I’d love to go back to the food tests please. I’m better at those.”

Meanwhile, Renegade Davia is talking to Kip about marriage.

Davia: “Is she calling all the shots?”
Kip: “What do you mean?”

Davia: “You know good and well what I mean. Is she like Mom? Calling the shots? So help me Kip if you marry someone like Eve…”
Kip: “No. Jillian’s sweet. I like to kiss her and grab her butt.”

Davia: “Would you marry her?”
Kip: “Well that’s premature.”

Davia: “Meaning you need to wait for one of these overnight date things, right?”
Kip: “Have you seen my abs? I can’t just give them away without a test run first.”

Back in the living room on the couch, Eve has one remaining question.

Eve: “How do you deal with an overbearing mother-in-law?”
Jillian: “One thing you need to know about me is that I have to know what you are thinking. You need to be honest and direct, because I don’t play games. And I really, REALLY need people to like me. I’ll do whatever it takes to make you understand that.”

Eve: “You have passed the test. You may wear my mother’s tiara at your wedding.”
Jillian: “Thanks Eve.”
Eve: “Please do not call me Eve.”

Jillian and Kiptynite take some scissors out back and cut the caution tape around the hot tub and go for a dip as Eve creepily stares out the window. Once she is safe inside applying her night mask, Kip and Jillian make out sideways. This looked awkward to me.

I’m assuming after last season, ABC was fined a hefty sum and Jillian is no longer allowed to straddle the boys any more.

Home Town Date Four
Jesse
Carmel, CA

Heavens! There is something about a man on a tractor that is just hot. I’ve always thought that. I am TOTALLY the girl who Kenny Chesney sings about in his song. (Except that basket full of chicken part. I have issues with meat on the bone.) I rewound and played that part about five times. Hot. Hot. Hot.

Jesse is looking fine as he stands in front of his family vineyard with the tractor behind him.

What a great sentence.

Jillian gets out of her Escalade and attacks Jesse in a loving embrace. She halfway turns her nose up has he leads her to the John Deere and gives her a tour of the winery.

It was then that decided I will probably never braid my bangs.

At a picnic location with postcard-worthy scenery in the background, Jesse wants to know if Jillian has any concerns.

Jillian: “Well…we had a slow start and my concern is if you are ready?”
Jesse stares at her.
Jillian: “That’s something you are going to have to tell me.”
Jesse stares at her.
Jillian: “Because you’re being weird right now with all the silence.”

Jesse tells her that it takes him a while to warm up to people and he feels that things have gone beautifully. Jillian looks skeptical.

They move inside to drink wine and meet the family. Jesse warns us that his brother is a cynic. He thinks that chicks are too high maintenance. Jillian is quick to remind him that she doesn’t need much and never shaves her legs on a regular basis.

This stops our mountain man long enough to take his little brother into the cellar for some one-on-one time.

Brother: “Do you love this chick?”
Jesse: “What?”

Brother: “Does she want babies?”
Jesse: “If I got married, I want to have kids within five years.”

Brother: “Unbelievable.”
Jesse: “What? She’s successful, independent and cute. She’s Honey Boo Bear.”

Brother: “Did you just say Honey Boo Bear?”
Jesse: “No.”

Brother: “I’m so jealous.”
Lincee: I’m so confused.

Apparently, Honey Boo Bear is Kovac family code for something and the brother has to interrogate Jillian in the wine cellar.

Brother: “What makes you think he’s the one?”
Jillian: “I think that he would like for me to take care of him. I would rub his shoulders after a long day. And I like wine too.”

Brother: “Have you guys been naked together?”
Jillian: “Uhm NO! That’s not allowed until forgo card dates.”

Brother: “Does Honey Boo Bear mean anything to you?”
Jillian: “Is he the one from the hundred acre woods?”

Brother: “Nevermind. Look. I’m going to be honest with you. Jesse is an emotional ice cube and is really hard to break. No one is able to crack his shell.”
Jillian: “What if I called him my Honey Boo Bear? Would that help?”

Back inside, the Kovacs are rocking out. I’m guessing they were in a family band before hitting it big in the wine business. Mom is closing her eyes remembering her days from Woodstock, as Dad and sons play guitar and drums. Jillian is doing her best to keep time with a tambourine and requests “They Say That Love Don’t Come Easy” as an encore.

Jesse tells us that Jillian is like a fine wine. He wants to drink her up, but he needs to have patience and let it mature before taking full advantage.

Home Town Date Five
Wes
Austin, Texas

Jillian: “This is the most important home town date because Wes is my number one. I’ve saved him for last. He GETS me. But there’s something that he’s holding back and I can’t quite put my finger on it. I need to figure out what that is.”

Jillian drives up in front of a bar on Sixth Street and Wes greets her:

Wes: “Hey baby. How the hell have you been, darlin’?”
Jillian: “I love that you have pet names for me.”

Bless Jillian’s heart. Wes probably calls his dog, dental hygienist and Chili’s waitress darlin’. I got a “Thanks hon” from the Time Warner Cable lady yesterday. It’s what we do.

Wes tells Jilly that he has a huge surprise for her and that she will be meeting not one, but two of his families. Then he reveals the Wes Hayden Band behind what appear to be barn doors. Jillian is elated!

Wes: “I have a brand new CD coming out and I want it to do well. This is the perfect venue for people to hear my music.”

Jillian is twirling around in her white skirt and red boots, one hand on her heart and the other holding a bottle of Lone Star as she sings into the neck.

How does she know the words you ask? Why…it’s none other than the number one reality TV show hit song of Summer 2009, “They Say That Love Don’t Come Easy.”

Jillian: “I was so pumped to hear my song again. It was an emotional moment. I mean, Wes was in the middle of stage with his band and it was as if he was singing only to me.”
Lincee: You were the only one there Jillian.

Wes: “You can not beat the feeling of being on a stage. No drug or woman can ever make you feel like that.”

Seriously. Who is Wes related to on this show?

Enter Jake.

I have to say that Jake “surprising” us was a bit of a let down for me. He mopes to the camera about how he was heartbroken and that his goal is to ultimately protect Jillian and tell her that Wes is a deceiver with an agenda. He makes an “impromptu” phone call to Tanner to discuss his plan:

Jake: “Tanner. I’m in Austin. Luckily, I was able to arrive on the same day as Jillian’s home town date with Wes and ironically, we are in the same hotel. I have to tell Jillian that Wes has a girlfriend.”
Tanner: “Is she with you now? Does she have shoes on?”

Jake: “Tanner. I need you to focus. Am I doing the right thing?”
Tanner: “Seriously dude. If you could take a pic with your iPhone or something and send my way? I would appreciate it.”

Meanwhile, Wes has propped Jillian up on a tree branch and is professing his fake love for her.

Wes: “My buddies are sh!tting bricks about this!”
Lincee: I bet they are. They do get a 20 percent cut of the proceeds, right?

Jillian: “I know! What happens if this takes off?”
Wes: “If? What do you mean if? We ARE taking off. You better get on board.”

Jillian: “I just didn’t know if you were feeling me or this or…”
Wes: “Look doll. I’m not a good liar. If I’m feeling something, I will tell you. And I think I have told you. Time and time again and you know what Sweet Cheeks? You’re not going to hear it from me any more.”

Jillian back pedals and tells Wes he’s the greatest thing since sliced bread and begs him to continue to give her words of affirmation.

Back at the hotel, the ABC camera man asks Jill to sit on the couch and get ready to look surprised, because he just go the call that the ABC intern was bringing Jake down from one floor above. She practices her “shocked” faces and then the door knocks.

Jillian: “Jake. What…a…surprise.”
Jake: “Jillian. Please know…I’m not here to get you back. You don’t have to feel sorry for me. I’m a good looking pilot. I’ll be okay.”

Jillian: “Why are you here? It’s Wes isn’t it. I KNEW IT!”
Jake: “I’m afraid it is my dear.”

Jillian: “What?”
Jake: “Oh Jillian. I love your sweet face. You are such a dainty little flower. I’d like to pick you and hold you next to my chest to protect and love and…”

Jillian: “JAKE! WHAT IS GOING ON?”
Jake: [painful stare]

Jillian: “Just say it. He’s here because of his career. I know that. I can handle it.”
Jake: [wiping away a tear]

Jillian: “He’s not here for me. He’s GAY. WHAT?”
Jake: [shaking his head]

Jillian: “For the love, just say it Jake!”
Jake: “Wes has a girlfriend. Her name is Laurel. He finally confided in me. We’ve talked about Laurel three times. I’m so sorry. I want you to be happy. I want you to pick the guy that is going to worship the ground you walk on because you don’t deserve anything less. Wes is not the guy.”

Jillian: “Are you confident?”
Jake: “One hundred percent? I wouldn’t be her if I wasn’t. He’s going to tell you she’s a good friend. He’s quick on his feet. I’m so sorry.”

Jillian: “Honestly, I don’t deserve all of this. I was sincere and honest and I’m a good person. Maybe I should just call it quits now.”
Jake: “My jet is waiting for us at the airport. I’ll take you wherever you want to go baby.”

Jillian decides that she needs to talk about this in person with Wes. She decides that she is going to sit down and grill him as hard as she can.

Wes: “Hey Mama. You ready to do this?”
Jillian: “Let’s drink first. Oh. And I need to ask you your intentions one more time.”

Wes: “I hate that you are asking me this. I don’t have to defend myself. www.weshayden.com has been a project of mine long before I knew you…”
Jillian: “Put the band aside Wes. I know you are the one with the girlfriend.”

Wes considers for a moment that the drummer was a traitor before Jillian confides that Jake is the informant.

Wes: “That’s crazy. We are broken up, but she’s still my best friend.”
Jillian: “Jake is someone that I trust. Why would he do this?”

Wes: “I have a lot of tolerance, but Jillian…”
Jillian: “If you were the last one standing, would want to date me?”

Wes: “I would be on Good Morning America, Ellen, The Tonight Show and possibly the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards. I’m not stupid Jillian. You have to figure this out.”
Jillian: “Can I bring in Jake?”
Wes: “Be my guest, Sweetheart.”

The boys go back and forth for 10 minutes. Wes says Jake is crazy. Jake says Wes is a liar and demands several times that he look him in the eyes. Then there was something about thumping on the back of the head that I didn’t quite get, but it didn’t matter because I was bored.

Jillian said that she was going to follow her gut on this one. She decides to go meet Wes’ family and leaves Jake to cry it out on the balcony.

Jillian: “I am not a jealous person. I’m not that girl. I am here for the real deal.”
Wes: “I wish I had something else to tell you.”

Jillian: “Most of the other boys by now would tell me how pretty I am.”
Wes: “You have wonderful eyes and are sexy. Are you ready to go?”

Jillian and Wes arrive at the house to find cold pizza and limp salad. They apologize for being late and explain that another jilted Bachelor had come to say Wes had a girlfriend.

Wes’ Sister: “Guys are always going to be jealous of you Wesley. They want what you have going for you.”
Wes’ Other Sister: “Yeah. He’s a one woman guy. He would have totally bolted if this wasn’t working out for his career…I mean if you guys weren’t meant for each other.”
Wes’ Third Sister: “Wes is special to all of us. He’s an incredible person. He deserves happiness.”

After dinner, Wes hands each sister a $50 and their promised autographed headshots of Josh Turner and Billy Currington.

Back in LA
Jillian tells us that there have been lots of ups and downs and dramatic moments and she doesn’t think she can handle one more surprise.

Then the door knocks. She’s getting pretty good at her shocked face. Unfortunately, no one worked with Ed on his.

Ed realizes that he made a mistake and asks Jillian if he can get back in the game. He looks at her with his dreamy eyes and admits that he has reprioritized his business back home and wants another shot.

Jillian pretends to mull it over for about five seconds and then invites him to the rose ceremony. He makes out with her on the couch, trying to make up for lost time, and then heads down the hall to get dressed.

Rose Ceremony
Our Host Chris Harrison takes Jillian for her pre-rose ceremony pep talk.

OHCH: “Jillian! Ed is back. We had to rewrite a few Bachelor bylaws, but the ABC lawyer found some nice loopholes and it looks like everything will be fine. How do you feel?”
Jillian: “I didn’t know if I should be angry or thankful. This day is bananas!”

OHCH: “What about Wes. Have the blinders come off yet? Or are you still only vaguely aware that this guy gives off some pretty major red flags?”
Jillian: “I’m going to make my own decisions and get burned if I have to.

OHCH: “We’ll have the intern standing by with a fire extinguisher.”

Our Host makes his way into the hotel ballroom and tells the guys how fabulous they look. He then reveals that the five will be joined by another guest tonight.

Ed descends the stairs and I’m pretty sure I heard the Hallelujah Chorus.

Wes looks like he wants to punch someone in the neck. Michael begins to laugh and bounce on the balls of his feet nervously and Reid gives us another Chandler Bing face and whispers something witty in Kip’s ear.

Roses go to:
Reid
Kiptynite
Ed
Wes

Jesse confidently strides up to Jillian and hugs her. He walks away without looking back. Michael cries and admits that he straight up loved that girl. Somewhere, Steve’s heart is breaking as well.

Next week, Jillian takes the four remaining guys to Spain! Kip gets real. Reid falls fast. Ed tries to make up for lost time and Wes talks about his girlfriend…I mean ex-girlfriend…at dinner.

Will Ed prevail? Will Kip show his abs? Will Wes GO HOME? Will Reid win the whole thing?

Will Jesse call me so I can pimp him out on my website?

These are all valid questions that need to be discussed.

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

Am I right?

Sound off below. Recap coming up.

Then I thought about the recap being sponsored by Tanner’s junk.

When I threw up a little in my mouth, I decided against it.

MANGO, MANGO IT IS!!!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying leftover Easter candy or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelors on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

I would LOVE for someone over at ABC to invite me to be in their planning meetings for next season’s Bachelor. Picture it:

Producer: “Well guys. It states specifically here in Jillian’s contract that we must go on dates in Canada to promote the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver. What are we going to do?”

Jillian’s Lawyer: “Don’t even think about going anywhere near the border. I’m watching you people. It’s all aboot Canada, eh?”

Executive Producer: “Got it. Geez. We’ve done everything there is to do in cold weather. We’ve been on snow mobiles. We’ve been curling. What is left?”

ABC Intern: “Hot tub. No need to go outside.”

Producer: “No one gave you permission to speak intern.”

ABC Makeup Artist: “Wait. He has a point. I mean, have you seen Kiptynite’s abs? Seriously. WHERE ARE THE HOT TUB SCENES?”

ABC Intern: “Thanks Michelle.”

ABC Makeup Artist: “Easy intern. I’m in this for me. I’d like to see Jake shirtless too.”

Executive Producer: “FOCUS! FOCUS PEOPLE! We need to come up with three dates. Think…what do Canadians do for fun besides play in the snow?”

Producer: “There’s an idea. We could have them play in the snow.”

ABC intern: “Like Marco Polo?”

Producer: “I was thinking more of hide-and-seek.”

ABC intern: “Do I have to go buy them all white outfits so they blend in with the snow? Because that sounds a little extreme to me. I’m telling you. Hot tubs. When in doubt…shove them in a hot tub. I can get some baby oil and…

Executive Producer: “SILENCE INTERN! Hide-and-seek it is. One down, two to go.”

Jillian’s Lawyer: “I think a trip to Lake Ogopogo is just the ticket.”

Executive Producer: “We did that last year when she brought Jason home. We don’t like to repeat.”

Jillian’s Lawyer: “Fine. I think snow shoes are fun. And snow boarding.”

Producer: “Because THAT’S not at all like riding a snow mobile. Don’t you people have an amusement park or something?”

Jillian’s Lawyer: “Have you ever done a show on a train?”

The group looks at each other and a slow smile spreads across the executive producers face.

Executive Producer: “What did you have in mind, Jillian’s Lawyer?”

Jillian’s Lawyer: “The Rocky Mountaineer is a train that takes you all through Alberta. This will make all Canadian parties involved extremely happy to show America what a great country we are and that the stigma of red-headed step child to the north is silly and it’s time for a change. What do you say?”

And there you have it. Too bad nobody thought that Jillian was going to ditch ROBBY D!!! in the Canadian wilderness and leave him to catch a ride on an elk back to civilization, but that’s a problem for the intern to worry about. Am I right?

Jillian greets our eight remaining Bachelors at the red carpet entrance of the Rocky Mountaineer. “ALL ABOARD” she screams, and the guys single file into the locomotive.

A pimped out locomotive! Wow! Jillian’s Lawyer sure knows how to get us excited about trains! The scenery, the dining car, the observation car, the champagne, the…

Disney World Monorail Guy?

Huh. I guess that was part of the deal too. The group has to fight over normal getting-to-know-you conversation as Disney World Monorail Guy tells them that they are approaching a famous lake in 600 feet and if they look to the right, they will see a famous mountain. And after his spiel, he repeats everything in French. Because it’s Canada and that’s how they roll, eh?

First One-On-One
ROBBY D!!!

Jillian is contractually obligated to say that she misses Ed and wants someone to cheer her up…someone who is not so serious. All of our minds go to Michael, but she chooses ROBBY D!!! as her first one-on-one date. Unfortunately, ROBBY D!!! gets duped and is forced to have his “date” in the caboose of the train.

ROBBY D!!! admits that he is really, really, really nervous and borrows Jesse’s fedora to calm himself down. He tells the camera that he has the “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can” attitude and it is at this point that little red flags start going off for me and ROBBY D!!!

Why so nervous ROBBY D!!!??? Let’s get some confidence and show this chick what you are all about. Where do you feel most comfortable? Let’s start there.

ROBBY D!!! listens to me and decides to man the bar and create Jillian something refreshing and not too sweet. He hands her a pink grapefruit martini, straight up compliments himself for being the best mixologist EVER and starts to feel the confidence swell. Now it’s time to wow her with bar tricks. Sadly, since he is in the tail end of a moving train, his normal Cocktail maneuvers are not working. Damn you centrifugal force!

Cups are flying left and right, bottles are crashing to the floor, cherries are landing nowhere near extended toothpicks. ROBBY D!!! begins to look very nervous.

Jillian senses that ROBBY D!!! needs a change of scenery. They go outside on the “back porch” of the train and begin talking. Or trying to talk. Jillian can’t hear a word ROBBY D!!! is saying because of the wind. ROBBY D!!! can’t see Jillian’s face because her hair is flapping everywhere. Both have pink grapefruit martini juice dripping down their fingers because of the turbulence. Then they are sucked into a pitch black tunnel in which I’m pretty confident ROBBY D!!! did not go for the kiss.

Jillian decides that the “back porch” idea was not her best and suggests they move inside for lunch.

Bless her heart. She was rockin’ a pretty serious wind blown look. Luckily, the ABC makeup artist Michelle was there to run a comb through that hot mess.

Jill and ROBBY D!!! talk about the possibility of her meeting his family.

Jillian: “So will your parents like me?”
ROBBY D!!!: “Obviously. My Dad couldn’t be happier.”

Jillian: “And why is that?”
ROBBY D!!!: “Because everyone in my family thinks that I’m going to get married first. I’m the youngest of four.”

Jillian: “Huh. And none of you are married?”
ROBBY D!!!: “Nope. It’s because of the Descant Curse.”

Lincee: “Oh ROBBY D!!! Reel it back. REEL IT BACK!”
Jillian: “Is there a salve you can put on it or some other medication?”

ROBBY D!!! goes on to dig his own grave a little deeper. He talks about how he’s ready to be married…which he follows up with the fact that he’s between jobs.

Later Jillian tells the camera that she thinks ROBBY D!!! is super cool. You know, for someone you want to take to Fire Dance. But if you want a ring by spring, he is not your guy.

Jillian: “I’m not sure he knows where he’s going to live and how he’s going to pay for things. That’s an important quality for me to have in a relationship.”

They go downstairs to Jillian’s room. ROBBY D!!! continues, CONTINUES to tell Jillian that he is very nervous. Then he starts laughing nervously. I’m pretty sure he’s stoked about the possibility of getting to second base and he wishes he knew mental telepathy with Michael so he could tell him and then get a mental telepathy hive five back.

Jillian: “What makes you so nervous?”
ROBBY D!!!: “You do!”

Jillian: “Don’t be silly. Hey…will your parents like me?”
ROBBY D!!!: “I don’t know. I wish I had a bigger vocabulary to tell you how I feel.”
Lincee: “He did not just say that.”

Jillian: “Maybe you should start a bartending school.”
ROBBY D!!!: “Too much work. I’m pretty cool right now living with my parents. I can stay out as late as I want you know. Hey…why are we slowing down?”

Jillian pretends she didn’t hear the question and acts oblivious to the fact that the Rocky Mountaineer has almost stopped in its tracks.

Jillian: “Look ROBBY D!!! I think you are a great person. I think you are ready to fall in love, but not the responsibility that goes with it.”
Disney World Monorail Guy: “Please stand clear of the doors.”

ROBBY D!!!: “Please Jillian. Let me flip a bottle for you now that we have stopped. Want to see me set the bar on fire? Like they did in Coyote Ugly? I know it’s your favorite movie. I have Devil Went Down to Georgia on my iPod…”
Disney World Monorail Guy: “L’éventaire libre de la porte.”

Jillian: “You are totally someone I can be friends with.”
Lincee: Ouch.
Jillian: “Are you someone I would marry? Maybe if you were 10 years older.”
Lincee: That’s going to hurt in the morning.

Back in the dining car, a Rocky Mountaineersman takes ROBBY D!!!’s bags and tosses them out the door. The other Bachelors have their noses pressed to the glass wondering what is going on.

I feel sorry that ROBBY D!!! had to stand sadly in the middle of the train tracks as Jillian waves a tearful goodbye, but you have to admit…that was a little bit awesome.

The boys are doing sign language back and forth, wondering why in the world ROBBY D!!! is not back on the train. He gives a salute, a standard “you’re my boy” sign to Michael and chuckles as the ABC intern hands him his stick with the bandana on the end.

Poor Michael cries because he didn’t get to say goodbye to his friend. It’s like school is over and summer has begun and they have to go home and work in their Dad’s firm until August. But next year is Senior year and they will rule the Sigma Chi house! HEY OHHHH!

Next, Wes tells the camera that he is a man on a mission and that he has an agenda.

FINALLY! I guess it’s best to play the villain. He knows his music is less than mediocre, so he might as well get while the getting is good. Any publicity at this point (even if it is bad) is good publicity in his mind.

In true Wes form, he finds Jillian in her bedroom car and snuggles up next to her, knowing that she would be vulnerable after sending ROBBY D!!! out into the wilderness with nothing but a pocket knife and snake bite kit.

Wes: “Hey Slim. Are you okay?”
Jilly: “It’s hard letting people go, you know? I figure there would be more jerks.”
Lincee: Bless your blind little heart.

Wes: “I just want more time with you. I was thinking about getting your name tattooed right here on my arm. Under “Jennifer” but before “Ashley.” How do you feel about that?”
Jilly: “Oh Wes. You make me so happy. I feel safe with you.”

Wes later tells us that he has an agenda and that Jillian is wrapped around his finger. Believe it.

Group Date
Fetish
Wes
Mikey
Jesse
Jake
Kiptynite
Disney World Monorail Guy lets us know that we are approaching Emerald Lake. Jillian lets us know that we are going snow shoeing.

Fetish spies a pair of red snow shoes that match Jillian’s sweater perfectly. He grabs them and then offers to help her wiggle in the contraption. He grabs some snow and pats it on his forehead to cool himself off. Being that close to her feet is electric!

The rest of the date was about as boring as snow shoeing can be. They walk, fall, walk, fall and then play hide-and-seek. Jake finds Jillian and pretends to lose his footing and falls on her. Because let’s face it…Jake is perfect and would never trip. Well played my friend.

Back at the lodge, Jake begins to get nervous that he hasn’t had any one-on-one time since their first date. He grabs Jillian and they go outside to sit by the fire.

Jillian: “Jake…if I didn’t care aboot you, I would let you go.”
Jake: “You are like my Mama. So nurturing and genuine.”

Jillian: “Do you think your parents would like me?”
Jake: “Oh Jillian. Definitely. You are a classy, classy lady.”

Meanwhile, Michael hypes all the guys up and encourages them to break up the Jillian/Jake time outside. Just as Jake is about to tell Jillian something important, the others come out and bust up the party.

Michael is lost in his moment of triumph by doing a celebratory robot when Kiptynite steals Jillian away back inside. They share a seat that was clearly made for one person.

Kiptynite: “You know the saying that people always want what they don’t have?”
Jilly: “If it’s not Canadian, then I don’t know it.”

Kiptynite: “Well, that’s not me. I always get what I want. But it’s hard for me to be myself around other guys. I’m glad for times like this.”
Jilly: “And I’m glad for times like this. Wanna make out?”

The ABC camera guy gets a close up shot of Kiptynite grabbing Jillian’s butt and they make out with her legs practically straddling Kip’s waist.

Jillian tells the camera that when they are together, their bodies just get closer and it is hard for her to leave him.

Back at the lodge fire place, Michael asks Jillian what she wears in her sleep. Jillian says that she wears a tank top and underwear. If she’s been drinking…just underwear.

Six guys lean forward to refresh her drink.

Michael admits that he prefers sleeping in the nude. He has even gone as far as to hiding clothes under the covers so that no one will know.

Jillian boldly asks Fetish what he sleeps in, if anything.

Fetish: “Well…I can show you.”

And then he proceeds to drop is drawers and show off his tighty whities. And junk. Right there for all of us to see. Tighty whities and JUNK! Then he turns around. And back again. Oh look! There’s the junk! Then he pulls up his shirt and shows off some not-so-horrible abs. But still. The junk is so in your face, it’s unbelievable.

My head starts twitching and the word PINEAPPLE comes to mind.

Jillian: “I’m not ready to see Tanner’s package. Although it was huge, I don’t need to see it. He needed to pull his pants up.”

Later, Fetish takes Jillian away to a secondary fire place setting.

Fetish: “Can I rub your feet?”
Jillian: “Sure.”

I’m not quite sure what their conversation was about, because I was more intrigued by the tiny little tube of lotion that Fetish was using to rub Jillian’s feet. As many of you probably wondered, where did it come from?

Did he make the intern run to his room and grab the complimentary bottle of Crabtree and Evelyn?

No, no. My guess is that home boy carries the lotion in his pocket for such an occasion. It’s nice and compact…just perfect for whipping out in a foot fetish emergency.

Jillian is blabbing on about feelings and connections. Fetish interrupts her and says that her feet are so soft. He encourages her to come to Dallas for hometown dates and promises a super seductive pedicure, complete with Mango, Mango nail polish.

Fetish: “Now that I’ve felt how soft her feet are, I want her feet in my family.”

Preach on Fetish!

Jesse pulls Jillian’s feet away from Fetish and escorts her to fire place setting number three. He is concerned that he does not know how to court Jillian because there are six other guys there vying for attention. He tells her that if he gets a hometown date, she’ll see a Jesse she’s never seen before.

Jillian: “Are you talking about your package? Because I don’t know if I’m ready for that.”
Jesse: “No. I’m talking about Wine Guy Jesse. He’s awesome.”

Jillian: “Will your parents like me?”
Jesse: “I’m 100% sure. There is no doubt.”

This is good enough for Jillian, so they hold hands and make out. Call me crazy, but Jesse is looking pretty good to me!

Michael finally lands some one-on-one time with Jillian and chooses to eat s’mores with her. He laments that he is head over heels in love and that his parents, brothers and dog would disown him if they didn’t get married.

Flattery will get you everywhere Mikey!

Back at fire place setting number one, Fetish comes clean with the boys and confesses that he is the one who let Jillian know that someone had a girl friend. He assures that he didn’t throw anyone under the bus. Wes assures Fetish that he hates tattletales and goes off to write the second hit song off of his new album that debuts soon at a Wal-Mart near you. Look for “Tales from a Tattle” next week on iTunes.

Wes: “I’ve already made six tracks and America heard my song to Jillian. I’ve had the publicity on TV, so I can leave. Or I can stay and get the girl.”

Classy Wes. The girls are going to fall all over themselves to get to you!

Finally, we get a shot of the boys walking to the hot tub. She gives the rose to Kiptynite’s abs.

Jake is disappointed that he was too scared to tell Jillian his true feelings. He asks permission to approach her bedroom car and proceeds to lay his heart out in a mixture of a polished smile and nervous giggles. He tells Jillian that he is crazy about her. When he loves…he loves HARD.

Then he goes in for the kiss and a hug. The ABC camera guy zooms in on Jilly’s eyes and we see it. Nothing. No spark. Jakey is going home.

Second One-On-One Date
Reid

Poor Reid had to stay in the Rocky Mountaineer the entire time the other boys were on their group date. To make use of this time, he goes around and asks the Rocky Mountaineer cook if he should wear glasses on the date or not. The Rocky Mountaineer butler encourages him to tell her how he feels.

I thought this was adorable for some reason. A-dor-a-ble.

Disney World Monorail Guy lets us know that we are approaching Kicking Horse Pass and Lake Louise. Jillian lets us know that from the moment she met Reid, she had instant chemistry. She wants to know if they have anything in common.

First, she wants to know if he can take direction and if he’s adventurous. She wants to snow board and knows that Reid is a great skier. She is ecstatic to learn that he wants her to teach him how to snow board. He’s falling everywhere and getting annoyed, but she loves it.

Then she takes him to the White Witch’s castle from Narnia. Everything, including the beer mugs, is made from ice.

My hat’s off to you ABC intern. You went above and beyond my friend.

Jillian wraps her legs around her man, as she likes to do, and tells him that his ears are red. Then they have a conversation about how that means you either have high blood pressure, or you are horny. Reid admits that he has high blood pressure.

And I love that.

Back inside, Reid and Jillian sit down on the floor to eat fondue. Poor Reid is a bit on the freaked out side and I feel sorry for him.

If I was in this situation and someone put fried chicken in front of me…or boiled shrimp…I would be having problems my friend. No bones or crustaceous animals for me thankyouverymuch.

Reid admits that boiling raw meat over and over and over again in a fondue pot freaks him out a little bit. Then he jokingly says that Jillian probably doesn’t wash her veggies before eating and she admits that she does not.

Gag.

Jillian thinks Reid’s annoying little neurotics are charming and she’s so excited that he is being REAL in front of her. She wants to know more.

Jillian: “What kind of girl does Reid like?”
Reid: “Well, Reid needs a girl that doesn’t talk in third person for one. Second, I need someone who is independent and gets along with my friends.”

Jillian: “Where would we live?”
Reid: “What do you mean?
Jillian: “Well…I live in the sticks. You live in Philly.”
Reid: “You work it out. It just happens. If it doesn’t, then it doesn’t.”

Jillian deduces that this means Reid and Jillian figure it out once they are a team. She loves this plan. She flings her leg over his legs and assumes the make out position after giving him the rose.

Rose Ceremony
Our Host Chris Harrison greets the group as they leave the Rocky Mountaineer. He escorts Jillian to the hotel lobby where they discuss the pending rose ceremony.

OHCH: “What is up with Wes? Jilly, Jilly, Jilly…as your mentor, I beg you to open your eyes girl.”
Jilly: “Wes is a southern man and knows what women want.”

OHCH: “Exactly! Finally…some sense is coming out of that mouth.”
Jilly: “We have a special bond. Neither of us have a filter and I love that about him.”

OHCH: “Annnnd we’re back here again. He’s a musician. Doesn’t that worry you?”
Jilly: “At first, he wanted exposure. But he doesn’t know how to lie. He cares for me.”

OHCH: “Intern! Can you get me a Crown and Coke? Thanks. What about Jake?”
Jilly: “He’s perfect. I just wish he was more confident.”

OHCH: “Cut the cord girl. We already have him lined up to be the next Bachelor. I’m receiving texts as we speak. How about that foot fetish guy? Wack-a-do.”
Jilly: “Totally. But my feet have never smelled or felt better. Smell.”

OHCH: “No thanks. And my boy Mikey. You gave ROBYY D!!! the old heave ho because he was only 25. Are you aware that Mikey is 25 too?”
Jilly: “But he liiiiiiiiiiikes meeeeeeeeeee! He said I was pretty once.”

OHCH: “And Crazy Dave said you had a great butt in your Spandex. So what?”
Jilly: “Do you want Jake as the next Bachelor or what?”
OHCH: “Touché.”

Jillian gets dressed up and heads into the hotel ballroom. She’s fidgety and decides to ask Michael one more time if he is ready to have her babies. He says that all he’s ever wanted to be is a young Dad and the only person missing is the forever person in his life.

Roses go to:
Reid
Kip
Jesse
Wes
Michael

Poor Fetish asks Jillian to remove her shoes so he can get a picture with her wicked feet. He pulls out his bottle of Mango, Mango nail polish and starts stiffing. The ABC Psychotherapist is called.

Jake is fighting an emotional breakdown and asks Jillian what went wrong. She says that it just wasn’t right. Jake says that he’s seen this SO MANY TIMES and that if she chooses Wes, she will get her heart broken.

Jake: “Nice guys finish last. Story of my life. I was right there. If she wanted me she could have had me.”

Just when I think Jake is going to be fine and basking in the glory of being ABC’s next Bachelor, we see scenes from upcoming episodes.

Kiptynite’s parents have caution tape around the hot tub. Hilarious!
Wes wants Jillian to meet his band. Of course.
And Jake comes back in his pilot uniform to reveal Wes’ true colors.

Awwwww Jake! Why’d you have to go and do that! Fly off into the sunset and wait for the offers to come pouring in my friend.

We also learn that there will be an addition to next week’s rose ceremony. Oh!

So what do you guys think? Is Wes going home next week? Is Jake going to be at the ceremony? Or will it be Ed? Speaking of Ed, sounds like Hare was downplaying erectile dysfunction this week. Are we believing it?

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee