iHateGreenBeans

I never thought I would have to write about my pimpin’ experience because I thought you all would forget about it if I let enough time pass.  But NO!  According to IHGB readers Valerie, Suz, Ann, Catharine, Stef and Linceefan (to name a few) I see that my dating life is something of interest to at least a dozen of you.  And that floors me.

Pimpin’ was great.  But there was one suitor in particular who made it particularly interesting.  He went above and beyond the pimpin’ rules and regulations as set up by webMAN and went straight for the jugular.

That’s right friends.  He stalked me on Facebook.

You can imagine my surprise when I received a message from…we’ll call him Dallas…on my Facebook account.  He straight up admitted that he wasn’t going to mess around with being “chosen” from a panel and wanted to take a leap of faith and get to know me because he thought I was awesome.

Is it just me or was that a fabulous way to open up conversation with a complete stranger?

I thought it was weird that he never “friended” me though.  Later he told me that he didn’t want to learn about me (or me about him) on Facebook.  He would rather things unfold naturally.  Weeks later, he finally friended me and I was able to discover the truth of why it took him so long.  He didn’t want me to judge him based on looks.  Because the dude was rockin’ some serious abs.  And shoulders.  And arms.  And legs.  Plus he has great hair. 

Naturally, I become anxious.  Dallas is one of those individuals who works out.  I eat pizza for breakfast and drink way too much Dr Pepper.  And I can assure you that unless something drastic happens with my metabolism, there will be NO bathing suit shots on my Facebook page.  What in the world could we have in common?

As it turned out…we had a lot in common.  We shared views on faith and family.  He totally got my sarcasm and humor.  I found myself laughing.  A lot. 

But sometimes it’s just not in the cards.  The Lord had a different plan from what I thought was going to be an interesting and exciting time in my dating life.

Dallas is a perfect gentleman, loves his family, hilarious, a hard worker, hotter than crap and I’m a little disappointed we didn’t get the chance to make out.  (Is that too bold to admit?)  Fortunately for me, when I emailed him yesterday to explain that I would be writing about my pimpin’ adventures because my readers were curious, he was more than willing to take one for the team and promised to go out of his way to kiss me passionately should our paths cross again. 

I suppose I could allow that.  For the sake of the blog of course.

From the desk of webMAN:

Here at iHateGreenBeans.com, we aim to please. And by “we,” I mean Lincee. If I had it my way, there would be much more subterfuge going on with this “pimpin’” instead of offering up top notch prospects.

I have been friends with Lawrence for a few years now, so I thought I would provide some male perspective to this part II post. I wish the guy had a bigger “dirt-bag factor” (other than the standard male default) so I could have made this a roast, but the truth is he is a decent guy.

For example, when he destroys me in golf, he is only semi-arrogant about it. Gracias.

When we go to a hockey game, and there is a wake of women asking him what toothpaste he uses, he tosses me all of his table scraps. Generous.

And when we go to the bar, he always says, “How you do’in” to the waitresses so we get free drinks. Dis guy is swell.

I’m telling you. I recycle all of his jokes, all the time. They work. Women like the humor. If they’d all stop running from me, I’d be willing to recycle more of his stuff. Dreams.

The only satisfaction I am getting from all of this, is knowing we will have a TOUGH time with the selection process. I have reviewed the pics and profiles and WHOA! There are some amazing women that visit this site!

How you do’in?

Seriously. All of them are adorable, accomplished, and clearly courageous for taking the action of sending in their info. I will be very interested to see how this turns out.

- webMAN

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

webMAN is right! It is going to be a TOUGH process sifting through the emails I’ve received. Thanks to everyone who sent in profiles and pictures. You guys are amazing!

Since we have several applicants, I’m going to implement the same strategy I used for Sergeant Cole and form a committee of friends to help decide which girls seem to be compatible with Lawrence. We are going to take submissions for one more week and then I’m going to turn over the list to Lawrence for review. That’s when I take myself out of the equation and he starts sweeping girls off their feet.

Until that time comes, I think it’s only fitting that I share a little bit more personal information about this hot tamale:

If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
Yes. Who wouldn’t want to be friends with me? Granted, sometimes I’d ditch myself for my cooler friends if I could.

Do you use sarcasm?
I believe that the above statement answers this question.

Have you ever bungee jumped? If no, would you?
I have not. I’d like to bungee jump and sky dive at some point.

What is your favorite smell?
Freshly cut grass

Scary movies or happy endings?
Happy endings

Boxers or briefs?
Boxer briefs actually

Do you have any pets?
I like pets, but currently do not have any.

All-time favorite movies that you can watch over and over again?
Shawshank Redemption. No contest at all.

Tell me about a favorite event in your childhood.
By far my ultimate childhood memory is when I thought my dad was the strongest man on earth. In Kindergarten, he bent a piece of pipe with his bare hands and I thought the world of that.

What is your life motto?
If it’s attainable, reach for it, grab it and hold on. Don’t give up.

Who has had the most influence in your life?
No one person in particular. I learn from my mistakes and flourish from others. I take a piece of each person I meet with me, regardless of how long you are in my life for.

What do you think you will be doing five years from now?
Hopefully I’ll be a little more successful and have someone in my life that I know I can count on day in and day out. I honestly, just hope that I am happy and blessed with great friends and great family.

Morning or night person?
I am definitely an evening person. If I can get away with sleeping in an extra 10-15 minutes I will. Good thing I am allowed to get to work when I do.

Country or city?
City to live. Country to visit. Who doesn’t like a nice quite relaxing couple of days?

What cartoon character best describes you?
Curios George. I’m always getting into trouble. As much as the man with the yellow hat tells me not to do something, I don’t learn until I’ve tried it for myself.

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
Maui

What are your religious beliefs?
Raised Baptist, but I’m not an active member of any church. I am not against religion. I just don’t practice it on a regular basis.

Brothers or sisters?
I have two wonderful sisters that I love very much. The three of us are very different, but get along very well. I would do just about anything for either one of them.

So why aren’t you dating Lincee? I hear she is the greatest thing since sliced bread and the iPod.
As much as we both know how magical it would be, being friends is the best thing for us. If we were dating, then how could she “pimp” me out on her lovely blog?

It’s official. I found my true calling.

I’ve often fantasized about leaving the intriguing world of coiled tubing rigs, subsea trees and light well intervention for something a bit more on the creative side. Perhaps I could frequent my neighborhood coffee shop and write a best selling book on the back of stained paper napkins. Or I could move to New York City and become a Pop Watch blog writer for Entertainment Weekly. Maybe I could finally achieve that life-long dream of being a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader.

Never in a million years did I think pimping would be something I enjoy. And I certainly didn’t expect my Big Pimpin’ category to get almost as many hits as my Bachelor recaps.

Granted, my first subject was quite the catch. And since we share the same DNA, I was able to work out all the kinks with his “season” just in time get everything in order for our second installment.

Meet my friend Lawrence.

I know. You should see his eyes in person.

Ironically, it wasn’t his eyes that caught my attention when I first met him. It was his smile. Or should I say teeth? Have you ever seen pearly whites this perfect before? Is his Dad a dentist? Does he have floss in his desk? Does he use those Crest white strips?

Clearly, these were questions that needed to be immediately answered.

About a year before I left the Dallas agency where I used to work, Lawrence graced us with his presence. And when I say “us,” I mean me and webMAN.

The PR department and the Movie department cubes were right next to each other. Lawrence was the young guy straight out of college that had to do mundane jobs, like clip movie ads out of the Morning News and stuff passes into envelopes.

webMAN and I immediately sized him up. Sure…he looked like he could hang with the cool kids, but looks aren’t everything. There was a delicate inner-office balance and this Lawrence fellow could throw us all off if we weren’t careful.

I had my first breakthrough with Lawrence inside the storage closet that our departments shared. I was stuffing our side full of Central Market cookbooks and Maggiano’s lemon cookies. He was stuffing their side full of Polar Express toy trains and Mean Girls posters.

Lincee: “Look. You’re new. I think you need to know how things go around here…”
Lawrence: “Hey! [signature grin] Do you want a screening pass to Harry Potter?”

That’s when I knew that he was one of us and this would be a friendship that would last forever.

Lawrence is a sweet guy who is always surrounded by friends and fun. I’m excited for you to get to know him better in the next few weeks. I’ve made it my personal mission to find him an adorable girl. Call your friends, daughters and sisters people. He is a good one!

In keeping with tradition, I provided Lawrence with a list of questions to answer. I will be revealing a few more details each Thursday in the upcoming weeks. Feel free to email me with additional questions.

And if you are bold, go ahead and send in your own personal profile and accompanying photo!

Let the pimpin’ begin!

Age: 28

Height: 5’9”

City: Dallas

1. What is a typical work day for Lawrence?
I am a film publicist. My official title is Senior Account Executive. A typical day would include social media, interaction with regional members of the press (Entertainment) and setting up promotional screenings for feature films. I also work with promotional partners such as TV, radio, newspaper and Online outlets among others.

2. What is your favorite thing to do in your spare time?
Golf, being outdoors, pool time with friends or sporting events

3. What is your favorite cereal?
Frosted Flakes or Shredded Wheat
I also really like Maypo (Maple flavored Oatmeal)

4. Mountains or beach? Beach

5. What is your favorite food?
I’m a steak and potatoes kind of guy. But I like pizza, fish, pasta, burgers and bratwurst. Pretty much anything that you can grill.

6. Favorite TV show?
Can I name shows? Weeds, Entourage, Californication, How I Met Your Mother, Two and a Half Men, Big Bang Theory, NCIS, 30 Rock and The Office. Wow – I might watch a little too much TV.

7. What was the last book you read?
Bringing Down the House. Great story. Makes you want to get up and move to Vegas.

8. How many countries have you visited?
Seven

9. Have you ever met a famous person?
Believe it or not, I have met several.

10. Best concert ever?
Dave Matthews Band
July 21, 2001
Folsom Field, Boulder Colorado

11. If you knew you could try anything and not fail, what dream would you attempt?
I would love to be able play NHL hockey and win the Stanley Cup. It’s a dream, right?

12. What qualities of the opposite sex would you HAVE to have in a potential mate?
Funny, ambitious, caring, not afraid to show me who she really is. I need someone who believes in communication. Someone who thinks that a compromise is better than a sacrifice. Ideally this person’s looks would only add to the positive qualities.

From the desk of Sergeant Elliott Cole:

Lincee has exceeded all of my expectations with her shameless and effective pimping of yours truly on the single’s market! Thanks to all the ladies who submitted profiles.  I am having fun writing back and forth with the girls and learning about their lives.

I especially want to thank you all for the respect you have all voiced to our nation and the armed forces. A quick word on Iraq: As many of you know, this is my second tour of duty here. The violence just a couple of years ago was nonstop and vicious. I lost some friends, the last of whom died exactly two years ago as I write this. Things are far from Mayberry RFD here now, but I have been here for six months with nowhere near the problems of last time. Regardless of how the war is going, I am grateful to have all of your thoughts and prayers. Mine and Lincee’s fathers both fought in Vietnam and the country was very much against them when they returned home.
 
I have written before, but it bears repeating, that I may be in Afghanistan within a year of returning. It reminds me that there are many friends, family members, and spouses out there who patiently wait for a loved one to return. My dear, sweet, mother is the daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, wife, mother-in-law, and mother of war veterans.  In fact, all four of her kids are in the military and we are all either scouts or helicopter pilots. Military moms and wives read this blog. While we are horsing around in the desert and being reckless, you are home keeping the world from falling apart. Thanks to all of you.
 
My unit (56th Stryker Brigade Combat Team, 2-104th Cavalry) will be home in September Insha’Allah – God willing – as the Arabs are fond of saying.

Elliott