The Dancing with the Stars opener shoved us down memory lane reminding us of last week’s booting of Captain Twinkle Toes and how he refuses to go on national TV without crying. Someone brilliant in the graphics department super imposed the picture of a single rose over his head that graphically beat him to the ground as he’s thanking his fans in Canada for voting.
I laughed. Out loud. Some intern is being fired right now, but it was worth it. Note to intern: Kudos to you man. Call me. I’m in the creative business. I like people like you. You’re funny with just a dash of sarcasm. You will go far my friend. Live long and prosper.
Here are a few things we learned on tonight’s show:
1. Maks can make the color salmon look manly and hot.
2. Evan has the sweetest spirit and is adorable. And I love AHna too.
3. Group dances with the “stars” and their pro partners are lame.
4. According to the Bachelorette promo, Ali is ready to find love.
I say pick the dude who does a back flip off of the limo about halfway through the commercial.
What do you say readers? Were we really shocked when she fake cried in the hotel lobby, flung herself to the ground and shouted, “Whyyyyyyyy?????” to the ceiling? Did America really hate that she didn’t get a second chance with Jake? Do you think she watched DWTS and conclude that Jake is a total tool bag? How can Maks wear a salmon tuxedo and still be so hot?
I’m nominating Tuesday nights as the new Thursday nights. When my DVR isn’t accidentally recording the Soap Opera network and filling precious hours with those crazy Newmans covering up who killed Adam Wilson while Sheila’s sister Sarah walks around with Lauren’s face, I’m pretty stoked to find my three favorite shows waiting for me when I get home.
1. GLEE
I’ve discovered two of my friends do not watch this show. It has become my own personal mission to convert them immediately. I’m going to hand out complimentary first-half-season DVDs for the next major holiday. Nothing says HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY like those GLEE kids. Last night’s episode’s theme was clearly about home. And I was beginning to get a little concerned when Motley Crue’s “Home Sweet Home” was not featured. But thanks to one of the scenes from the oh my awesomeness 80s roller rink, I believe I heard it in the background. Motley Crue…roller skates…Mr. Shu? Simply priceless.
2. Dancing with the Stars
I have to admit that it’s bittersweet to see Twinkle Toes go home. It was nice that he personally thanked Texas. Not quite sure why he gave a specific shout out to Canada. One can only assume it was a subliminal last attempt to profess his love to Jillian. We all expected the tears to come flowing and we were not disappointed. The best part was Chelsie’s face when Jake told her he loved her, then remembered he wasn’t on the Bachelor and politely thanked her for “being so nice to my beautiful fiance.” As many of you pointed out, there was sadly no balcony for Jake to pull a Mesnick, but when you are sporting a black, silk, plunging V-neck long sleeve blouse and a bit of shiny sequence on your pants, there’s really no need for a balcony, is there?
3. American Idol
I’ve always loved Shania Twain. Other than the spoken part about Brad Pitt in that one song, I pretty much enjoy all of her stuff. But last night was a bit of a snoozer for me. Guest Blogger Kyle had a different opinion. Here’s a message I received from him last night after the show:
“This may have been the best show of all season. There really wasn’t a bad performance. Except Siobhan. She scares me. And she managed to ruin one of my favorite songs from high school. My favorites in order were Lee, Casey, Aaron, Crystal, Big Mike and Siobhan. I think America will vote that Aaron goes home. Big Mike and Siobhan in the bottom with him.”
I might have to agree with America sending High School Student Aaron home tonight. What do you guys think? Were you bored like me or entertained like Kyle? Were you glad to see Jake leave or would you have given your right arm to see him attempt the rhumba with Chelsie? And finally, can someone confirm that I did hear “Home Sweet Home” on Glee last night?
If you don’t know what song I’m talking about, I both feel sorry for you and would like to school you in the brilliance of hair bands at their finest. Behold:
As I sat down to watch Jake and Chelsie stumble through another week of Dancing with the “Stars,” I found that picking out the cabbage of my grilled chicken salad from Chick-Fil-A was more interesting than what was happening on my TV screen. In fact, I was rejoicing in the 23 flavors of Dr Pepper and asking my refreshing beverage of choice, “Why are you so good to me?” when I realized that we were half-way through Jake’s rehearsal footage.
So I rewound. For the sake of the blog I rewound.
Jake tells the camera he is on cloud nine after his cheeky cha-cha third place finish from last week. (I remember him being there from his Bachelor season.) He tells Chelsie he wants to close the gap between him, Nicole and Evan.
There are several issues I have with this statement:
1. It can’t be done.
2. You’re going to have to completely shave your chest hair Jake. Guys with peach fuzz and plunging necklines don’t go together. Waxing is not girly. Look at Maks. He’s dripping with hotness and would never be caught dead shirtless without glistening pecs. Embrace your feminine side. Perhaps you could visit a local spa and get it waxed. Or you could get some other ideas from a Guy in Austin who will be experimenting for the next few weeks with stuff chicks like to do. (BTW: my vote is the Sex and the City 2 premiere!)
3. Let’s keep the cross dressing to a bare minimum. I know your shtick on this show is that you will do anything you are told. Dressing like the samba girls from the floor show in Vegas is definitely a moment where you can draw a line. Even though you uttered the phrase “Shake what your Mama gave you!” and giggled at the camera, America did not think that was funny. In fact, we felt sorry for you and secretly called you a chach.
4. And speaking of samba, this is how you properly execute the rhythmic dance:
Oh how I miss Apolo’s head band and Julianne’s crazy rooster hair. Those were the good old days when Dancing with the “Stars” used to be entertaining.
5. Note to self: Pelvic thrusting is not in the same category as hip swivels. No more dry humping please. I’m eating here.
6. Please for the love of all things Chris Harrison, STOP OPENING AND CLOSING YOUR MOUTH AS IF YOU ARE RECITING VOWELS! I don’t know who told you to do that, but I’m telling you to STOP IT. You are driving me bananas with the “OH” and the “EEEE” and the “AAAHHH” faces.
Let’s not forget the group swing marathon. What a hot mess THAT was. Jake was super pumped that he can lift all 84 pounds of Chelsie over his head without any power behind it! Too bad they lasted four seconds in the group number before being asked to leave the dance floor. Carrie Ann was distracted by Jake’s tonsils. She wanted to provide more space for Derek to hold Nicole upside down with her crotch in his face.
Awk-ward.
What do you guys think? Do you love to hate Jake? Or do you just wonder why in heaven’s name he ever came back to tell Jillian about He Who Must Not Be Named? Had he gone back to Dallas: AKA Denton, and then showed up on Dancing with the “Stars,” would I be cutting him a lot more slack right now? Do you prefer Maks hairy or hairless? What about Niecy’s jiggly parts? Do Cherly and Ocho really like each other or is it all show? If you could have dinner with one reality show host, would it be Tom or Hare? Who would win in a battle of wits?
Remember that Friends episode where Ross tries to get Ugly Naked Guy’s apartment? The one where Phoebe and Rachel go with him and see Monica and Chandler “doing it” up against the window?
Let me refresh your memory. Pay close attention to Phoebe’s reaction right around the 50 second mark:
Dear reader. That is how I felt last night while I was watching Jake dance. I was at my friend Caroline’s house and when Jake’s music started and he slid across the floor, Caroline just kept pointing and saying something along the lines of, “NONONONONONONONONONO…” I, on the other hand, kept yelling, “He’s in his underwear. HE’S IN HIS UNDERWEAR!”
Of course, neither of us could look away from the train wreck and eventually, the memory was burned inside our brains forever.
Sometimes at night when I close my eyes, I can still see the tighty whities.
Needless to say, we were in shock. I’m fumbling around shouting, “MY EYES! MY EYES!” while Caroline stares in awe at the TV shaking her head mumbling questions under her breath like, “Why Chelsie? Why would you do that to us?” and “Was that necessary?” and “Will I ever be the same?”
Clearly tonight was Jake’s exhibition episode. He was all sorts of halfway naked throughout the entire spot. In the rehearsal package when Chelsie announced that they would be doing Risky Business for their movie theme, Jake proudly told the camera that he has been told he looks like Tom Cruise. Then he flashed a grin, told the camera guy to hold on for 10 minutes while he made a call.
A quick punch of speed dial #2 on his trusty cell phone and Jake is speaking directly to the ABC intern who is currently on location for Ali’s season. Fortunately, he was in LA at a Dollar Store getting buckets, shovels and tiki torches for Ali’s one-on-one date with Bachelor Ted that night and agreed to secure a volleyball for Jake. He ran it by the Dancing with the Stars dance studio before heading back to Ali’s mansion in Beverly Hills.
Jake trots off to his “motorcycle” and gets his aviator sunglasses and favorite pair of worn-out jeans.
Because you never know when you are going to have to create a moment from your favorite movie Top Gun.
And let the record show that I’m pretty sure he had on red Asics cheerleading shoes.
Jake saunters in the studio without a shirt on while tossing the volleyball up in the air. Chelsie reminds him that he is impersonating the wrong movie and demands he gets his head in the game and learns the cha-cha. She tells Jake he thinks too much and encourages him to not be so analytical.
Jake: I know Chelsie. You don’t have time to think up here. When you think, you’re dead.
Chelsie: What do you mean “up here?”
Jake: You can be my wing man anytime.
Chelsie: Your what? Look Jake. I’m running the show here.
Jake: I feel the need…
Chelsie: There’s no time Jake. I’m not going to get Vienna.
Jake: I feel the need…
Chelsie: [rolls her eyes]
Jake: I FEEL THE NEED…
Chelsie: …The need for speed. Can we practice now?
Jake: Negative Ghost Rider, the pattern is full.
Chelsie stabs the volleyball with one of the pins holding her new black hair extensions and walks away for some alone time. Jake takes off his pants and practices his slide.
I remember some parts of the dance. I remember feeling a mixture of confusion and utter relief when Chelsie hands Jake a pair of pants to put on at the beginning of the number. And then I don’t remember anything else. Because I was blind.
According to the judges, Jake had his best routine. Bruno was disappointed he put his pants back on. I’m happy he did, otherwise there could have been a major wardrobe malfunction in which Little Maverick made an appearance. He even beat Maks and Erin and Pamela and Australian Guy. I’m pretty sure he was in third place which is a mystery to me.
What do you guys think? Was I totally off? Should I re-watch the show now that I know what’s coming? Why was Kate wearing a prom dress that Watercolor Barbie would have worn if there was such a Barbie? Do you think Nicole is going to win? Do you love Evan’s sweet answers in the Celebuquarium?
