iHateGreenBeans

Never in the history of life has there been a bigger week than this last week, with the end of American Idol. (OK…so that was a HUGE exaggeration.) Sorry to get this post up late, but I was \in Colorado working for the week and did not have access to my computer. Wanna know a fun moment?   When someone you work with tells a crowd of about 350 that you are an American Idol blogger.  At that time I handed in my Man Card and then proceeded to sing Love Story with all those people. So here goes, my last post, last time to hear how much I like Kris, last time to hear me say how annoying Kara is, last time to hear my opinion about Adam. I know you are all sad and crying, and Veronica, I know you MOST of all are sad to see me go.

So Tuesday night’s show was not much to write about. As a guy, I really don’t notice clothes. It is sad. In college I was dating this girl, and during the first week of going out I had worn the same shirt three different times on dates and had no idea I had done that. Not until she pointed it out. I am dumb to that stuff. So, if I notice something, it has to be pretty loud. With that being said, thank you to the judges for giving me something to write about.

 

RANDY – Loved his jacket being about three sizes to0 small and of course his “Good and Plenty” tie. I was hoping on Wednesday he would have a red tie with some twists that you could pull apart.

 

PAULA – Apparently someone kept her in the tanning bed against her own will and told her to wear a bright color. “Ok Paula, imagine a highlighter, and I want you to wear a dress with that same color. No sweetie, nothing can be too bright.”

 

SIMON – One more button and we may have seen his belly button. That had to be an accident.  Can you have a shirt unbuttoned that much?  Granted I don’t have the body for that, but even if I did, would it be better if you just don’t wear a shirt. It was like he couldn’t decide if he wanted to wear one or not.

To bring sports fans into the mix, they do a coin flip to decide order of performances, and like a good coach, Kris decides to defer to the second half.

Something the show had been missing was a montage of Adam screaming. One after another after another after another and so on. Well with the show winding down, looks like it won’t … wait, hold on, there it is. So before we get started for the night, they want America to hear his screechness.

Adam starts with one of his best performances of the year. I really did enjoy the song then and even now. I wish he would have changed it up a little, but it was still good. And in typical Adam form, very theatrical. All I could see though was Van Helsing search for vampires. He loves to dress up. Judges liked it, not surprising. But what was shocking was that Paula said that it was unbelievable that he was there in the finals. Really Paula?  Really?  I’m pretty sure from day one you put him there. And Simon actually said something bad about him. This was the first negative thing said since when he destroyed Ring of Fire.

Then we see Kris’ family. Was it funny to anyone else to go from the Adam’s family to the Walton’s, flopping between Adam and Kris?  I love that there are two different types of guys battling for the end. You can tell throughout the show how different they are.  Adam has the vocal talent way over Kris. He can sing and is dang good at it. I think everyone can agree with that, it is not surprising.  Take the screeching away and his voice is cool. But as you see Kris’ two performances, you can see his talent level is amazing. He can take a song that you know, and totally change it up. His version of What’s Going On is awesome. He changed it up and made it to where an 18-year-old would hear it on the radio and think it is a brand new song.

The rest of the show was pretty boring and not giving a lot to write about. Only a few things:
 - I really think that when Paula answers, she has an ear piece in and someone on the other side telling her what to say. “Kris … you are … a bright … shining … light.  I mean … star.  And I am ……………. happy.

 

 - I noticed this show that Kara reminds me of the adults on Charlie Brown. You know when they are talking, and you are looking at them, but all you hear is “Mawawwawawamamamawawawawawamamamawa, Rock God.”

 - It was nice to see that Tom let Katie out for the night.  I thought she was required to stay at home and not be seen on camera anymore.

 - The last performance was, well weird. I love that Kara helped write that. I mean, an inspirational song about climbing mountains?  She is really going for something new that no one has ever done before. I didn’t really like either performance, but Adam sang it better than Kris. I liked Adam singing more. But you could tell neither were excited to sing it.

RESULTS SHOW
I love that this show makes fun of their own.  I like the judges videos and Paula’s video was even more proof that she has someone feeding her lines through an ear piece.

Who is this Mikalah Gordon in Conway?  Could anyone stick out more like a sore thumb in their surroundings. Where did they find her?

Well, if you missed those fun opening group songs, they really went all out for this one. They are so tough to watch. It is like a bad version of High School Musical. It was like a group of people were sitting around and all of the sudden music starts, and they all get the idea to just start dancing and singing, with no practicing at all.

Thank you AI for bringing Norman Gentles back to the show. I have liked him since the beginning, because he takes the show about as seriously as someone should. HE was so much fun to watch throughout the whole season. He was great and always entertaining. This was one of the most fun performances EVER. How about ending with “Norman Gentles 09″ and then just walks off and gives the mic to someone in the crowd. He is so great.

And then bringing Katrina back on, for all the guys who are having to watch the show because their wives are making them. When she walks out, Simon and Randy’s reaction are pure gold. They look like me on Christmas morning when I opened my Nintendo game system with Duck Hunt. Total shock and awe that someone would actually get that for me. And how about Kara coming out and singing. She loves herself and I am glad she showed America that she can sing. Of course I can not pass over the ending. Has anyone been more surprised since the Timerlake/Jackson fiasco?

And I thought Tatiana was gone. Well I guess I was hoping she was gone. I am glad she can make fun of herself. Can you imagine if she had gone far, I would have killed myself. I love watching drama on TV, mainly because I really don’t have any in my life. But man, that is tough to watch. I almost feel sorry for her, but I realize she puts it on herself. How about the second best quote of the year:  ”This is to all the guys who told me I had to sleep with people to make it to the top.” Thank you for that Tatiana, it is really sad you did not make it.

If you don’t like Seacrest, this show was a great example of how funny he is. From not being able to open the card with the winner on it, to quite possibly the best quote of the year. To Katrina: “I was going to ask you what’s new, but I think I know.” My brother turned over to me and admitted that he liked him. I remember when I came around. I encourage all of you to if you have not yet.

I realized that after one of the commercial breaks, I love that Ryan tells you who is going to sing. Because if he didn’t I would have not been able to fast forward through Queen Latifah and Lil Rounds. Thanks for looking out for me Ryan.

I loved Jason Mraz coming out to sing. I love that song and I am so glad they brought him out. Do you think when these artists come out to sing, they are a little frustrated and are annoyed that they are singing with those ‘common folk’?  Watch Mraz sing.  He keeps looking at Anoop and pointing up and down, telling him what to do with his voice.  Oh it is so much fun to watch.

I enjoyed Kris’ performance with Keith (big shock, I know).  Two reasons why Adam did not sing with Keith Urban:
1. Not really his type of music
2. The title of the song

Loved Allison with Cindi and Danny with Lionel. I think that was a great comparison of the two and who they will be like when they are older. I got into a debate with my friend. Of the top four, who will have the most selling albums in four years?
1. Gokey – he will fall into the Clay Aiken crowd
2. Kris – I think people will be surprised at how much you will like his music when he makes a CD
3. Allison – if she can remake some 80s songs and bring some of those back, and sing songs similar to that, she will kick tail.
4. Adam – (did I surprise anyone with this) I think people will see that he is a good singer, but it is always the same, and I think people may get bored.

Adam with Kiss seems about right.  And how about those diamond studded football pads he has on? Adam is right at home with Kiss on stage. This will be his future, and it will be a good one. Lord knows Adam has the tongue for it. I noticed that the normal AI drummer was not on the show. He was one of the only reasons I could watch Adam perform. That dude is so good and can wail on the drums.

It was also fun to see that Steve Martin finally found his special purpose.

****SIDE BAR – TRANSFORMERS IS COMING OUT JUNE 24TH. I AM MORE EXCITED THAN KARA AND PAULA WOULD BE IF ADAM SANG THEM TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT. I WANT TO INVITE ALL OF YOU TO WATCH IT WITH ME. IT WILL BE AWESOME. AND A BONUS, IF YOU WANT TO SEE A GROWN MAN CRY DURING AN ACTION MOVIE.  COME ON OUT. I AM PUTTING THE OVER/UNDER AND HOW MANY TIMES I TEAR UP AT 2 1/2. YOU MAY WANT TO TAKE THE OVER. ****

Well it is finally to that special time, who is the winner. Drum roll please ……………………..

KRIS WINS!!!! ( I can almost hear Cosell screaming, Down Goes Frazier, Down Goes Frazier…)  Adam was a good sport and Jorge was jumping around like a three year old coming in contact with Barney.

And now it’s over.  My Tuesdays and Wednesdays are freed up, which is kind of sad. I mean what do I do now? I don’t get to watch my man crush every week and can’t be fueled with material by the amazing duet of Adam and Kara. I want to thank you all for reading.  I really appreciate it. This is all in good fun and totally my opinion on things. Some are harsh, I know that. You guys are awesome for reading. Trust me, if asked to write again, I will.  All I need is a topic. Because like a good friend said to me “You have an opinion on EVERYTHING and there is a lot going on in that head of yours.  And it all needs to come out onto paper.”

 

I hereby nominate myself as President of the Kris Allen Fan Club – Houston.

No.  The gay pirate pants were not at the Offshore Technology Conference (OTC) I’ve been attending all week.  Even though I’ve witnessed a Scottish guy sans bagpipes, two Canadian Mounties and a couple of Hooters girls handing out condoms at their booth (no lie), I am referring to one Adam Lambert.  

 

Gay.  Pirate.  Pants. 

 

OTC is something I typically prepare for at the beginning of February.  I’ve been so excited to see this week come (and eventually end), but I’ve been super busy with my fake smile and pretending to actually know the inner working of a subsea tree, that  my website posts sometimes take a back seat. 

 

Enter my friend Kyle Cordell.  He stepped up to the plate last week and hit a home run by agreeing to recap another one of my favorite reality shows.  Because we had so many hits and such great comments, I asked him to blog the show again. 

 

Since I will be OTC-free next week (and since our writing style is so similar) we are going to do something I’ve never done before next Tuesday.  We are going to live blog the show!  We will comment on whatever pops into our head and then post during the commercials.  I’m laughing just thinking about it now, so I hope you guys come back for some more next week! 

 

Then, of course, it will be back to your regularly scheduled program of Jillian and her 30 beefcakes.  Are there enough hot dogs in the mansion?  Let’s hope the ABC intern is prepared.  I’m all aboot the Bachelorette! 

 

And now I give you Kyle—Guest Blogger Extortionate:  American Idol ROCKER WEEK

 

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Typical Tuesday night:  home from a baseball game, cook me a couple of hot dogs (did I ever mentions I LOVE hot dogs?  But that is a whole other story.  Seriously.  I can write a lot about my love for them.) and sit down to watch Idol on my DVR.  I hit play and hear the sultry voice of Seacrest.

 

{Sidebar – Totally love me some Seacrest. When I started watching the show a few years back I could not stand him—at all. He was annoying to me, but now I love him. He makes the show run. I admit I was dumb not to like him.  It’s like when your mom says, “Kyle, you have to try carrots. I know they look bad and smell funny, but I promise you will like them.” I gave him a try and he grew on me.}

 

{Sidebar from Lincee – This is clearly not true of green beans.  They will NEVER grow on you.  They will always smell and taste funny.  It might be my opinion, but it’s true.}

 

So I hear Ryan’s voice and see Adam in the bottom three. Is there a more bittersweet scene than that? Because seeing him in the bottom three makes my heart skip a beat and I become flushed.  And then I realize that he makes it.  So I become mad…real mad. And I have to pause it, compose myself, realize he is not going anywhere and then push play.

 

I liked how Ryan showed us the broken stage. Was anyone else thinking, “Wait!  Is Kris OK?  He is OK?  Great!  Why are we still talking about the broken stage? Bring em out.”

 

The show starts off with Slash. Yeah, read that again.  I said Slash. Yes, yes the Slash that was in Guns N Roses who has never said a word and I do not think I have ever seen his face. I was a bit nervous, but then something magical happened. He talked. He actually TALKED. And you want to know the crazier thing?  It was normal.  I got real excited at that point. I turned to my roommate and said, “I am actually excited about this show now.” So he did not really add a whole lot of critique for the idolettes, but he also didn’t suck.

 

I did not agree with the judges at all. I feel they were way off this week. As my cousin said, “I think all the judges dipped into Paula’s pills.”

 

ADAM

Two things I noticed right when he walked out:

 

1. When did Cher become a contestant on the show?

2. Do you think Kara spied on Adam this week, found out what he was wearing, than went to the clothes people and said, “Can you give me the girl’s version of what Adam is wearing?  Only to be faced with the answer of:  “Well, actually ma’am…those are girl clothes.”

 

I knew Adam would belt it out. This is smack dab in the middle of his wheelhouse.  And hear this Lamber-holics…I actually told myself I was going to give him a chance. He starts and that chance is over. I do not get it.  I just don’t get it. He is like a mythological Siren who sings and screeches, pulls people towards them and makes their lives a wreck. Yes he can sing, but you know what?  So can the lead singer from Nickelback (kind of).  It doesn’t mean that they should keep making CDs.

 

If you still have his performance on your DVR, go back to the start of it, close your eyes and guess who he sounds like. If you said Stevie Nicks, you are correct. And I will tell you this…it is not good for a guy to sound like that.  She is incredible and guys should not sound like that. His performance is filled with the usual yelling, making love to the camera and theatrics.

 

However, I did find something worse for me than Adam singing. Adam singing with no music.

 

I know that is all hateful, so I will end with this:  HE HAS HIS OWN HAIR GUY.

 

 

ALISON

She sings some Janis Joplin and I really liked it. I thought it was a lot better than the credit she got. Like I said last week, the problem with her is she peaked with her first performance. She has an incredible voice but she is so young. Man, in a few years with some training and more experience, she is going to be outstanding. She should be on the show no doubt, but I think she needs a little bit of diversity so we can she what she can do. I felt for the others after Adam sang when Simon said that the rest of the performances could not match his. Still don’t understand that, and I promise you I have tried.

 

 

DANNY

I know Kris was next, but 10 times out of 10 I am going to save him for last. I am biased, I admit that.

 

I did not hate Danny’s song. I have always liked his voice. Love the raspyness of it and think he has talent. This was going to be a tough week for him, because this is the opposite of his wheelhouse. But it was okay. As I am watching him, I am waiting for the end when he is supposed to belt out DREAM ON.  And I don’t know about you, but it seemed like he was so nervous to hit that note. I kept thinking, “OK!  Here it comes!”  And then it didn’t.  “Wait!  He’s going to say DREAM ON one more time.  Here it comes!”  And then it wasn’t it again.  After 45 normal DREAM ON’s, he couldn’t really hit it at the end.

 

And I can not pass over Kara.  Did anyone notice this phrase?

 

“You shouldn’t have done ‘Dream On.’  You should have done some of Aerosmith’s earlier stuff, like ‘Cryin’ or ‘Crazy.’”

 

Hold on a second.  “Dream On” came almost 20 years before those other two. And me, like any normal, red-blooded guy that grew up in the nineties, knows this.  Not really because of the song, but because of one Alicia Silverstone. (I would normally go on a trail here, but I won’t.  And I won’t because I do not want to take away from how wrong Kara was. And anyone that knows me I love to point out when people are wrong.)

 

 

KRIS

Everyone who knows I love Kris raise your hand. If you are questioning whether I do or not, check the signed picture I got off of iTunes, read the last post, or take a gander at the songs that have been playing the last two months on my iPod. With that being said, I think he is going home. Did I just go against everything I believe?  Yes.  But I really do feel that the judges are sabotaging him. I loved his performance, and you can probably tell that from how many times I voted for him. All I am going to say is I stopped counting at 75. As hard as it is for me to say that he may be going home, I came to grips with it tonight. I think he is going to have the best career out of the four left…or any of the idols this season. He is so talented and can do so many things. (See “She works hard for the Money”. He made that a cool song that would put John Mayer to shame. Listen to the original by Donna Summer.  He makes it so much better.) I do not want him to get stuck in the idol trap (that was Lincee’s phrase) like most of the winners. And if Adam wins I want him to have songs like “My Life Would Suck Without You” and “I Do Not Hook Up.” Then we will all know that he has no talent other than singing.

 

 

Well that was a whole lot of talking there. And if you are still reading give yourselves a huge pat on the back and thank you so much. The duets were something different, but kind of weird because you couldn’t really vote on them. I will stop here because I know I have taken WAY too much of your time.

 

I’m going to go figure out where can I get me some of those pants they had Adam squeezed into at the end of the show.

 

My friend Kyle Cordell and I are kindred spirits when it comes to the infatuation of a certain reality show.  In a recent conversation on Facebook, I realized that he has some pretty impressive insight to this obsession we call American Idol.  I asked him if he would like to share a few thoughts on “Rat Pack” week. 

 

He shared.  And then some.  Enjoy!

 

Personal note:  We are adamant supporters of Kris Allen.  America…pick up the phone and VOTE.  I do not want to see my boy in the bottom three again.

 

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Even though people were nervous about Tuesday night, thinking that the iodlettes would not do well, I figured it was going to be one of my favorites of the year.  And I loved it. I love that type of music, and I feel that that with the talent this year, they can do anything.

 

So I will start with the things that bug the crap out of me.

1. ADAM LAMBERT

I am pretty sure the world is hypnotized by him. I am serious. Jensen (a friend) and I watch the show and analyze it every year together. I can not ever remember agreeing on anything—EVER.  For instance, he loved crazy skunk girl last year and I could not stand her. And I like Gina from a few years back, and he wanted her vocal cords to be cut in half. So when I first saw Adam, I knew that I could not stand him, which meant Jensen loved him. When he said that Adam bugged him more than a Jonas Brothers concert opening with Miley…I was in heaven.  

 

I figured that Adam would last a few shows and then America would look at him and his patented hyena yell he does for every song and vote him off. I think two things happened that have kept him on:

 

A.)  Simon giving him a standing O (which is only because time was running out)

B.)  Paula crying for every song he sings. I think she would willingly give up her first born to just to hear him scream.

 

I am sorry if you like him, but when he sings, and you know he is about to yell, I actually cringe and close my ears.  I then proceed to get mad at America for keeping him in. Yes he can sing.  Stop yelling and I think he would do fine.

2. Kara Diannoying

Holy cow please tell me she is not taking Paula’s place. Because if anyone thought Paula was bad, Kara will ruin that show. It is like when you were dating a girl in high school and then the ‘hot’ girl showed interest in you and you went out with her, and over dinner you realized that she could not carry a conversation with her glass of water and you proceeded to pray that Doc Brown would come flying through the room and take you back in time with Huey and you would not break up with the better girl.

 

This week when she did her little Danny “Rat Pack swagger” thing, I threw up in my mouth and my ears shut down. For me she is like a mix between Juliette and Ben from lost. There are times when she shows redeeming qualities and says things that are ok, and you know she may be there to save the strandees on the island, but you don’t care. Nothing she can do will ever make me like her. She may be good, but when her mouth opens, I feel like my DVR is going to run out at the end and I am going to miss another performance. (How can you let this happen FOX? Oh yeah…limit Paula and Kara to two words each.)

I WILL STOP ON THE ANNOYING, BECAUSE THAT WAS A LOT OF HATE IN THE THERE

1. Danny Gokey

He was one of my favorites going into the show. I love his raspy voice and his energy. I feel though that his performances are the same. They start out and you are like, “This is good, but can you just get to the part when you take the mic off the stand and start really using your raspy voice?”  Because that is what I want to hear.  And it never disappoints me.

2.  Allison

“Alone” was an amazing performance at the beginning of the season, and I fell like she has had some amazing ones.  But none like that.

3.  Kris Allen

I am basically biding time until I talk about Kris Allen. He has quickly become my man crush, surpassing Cool Breeze from the Unit, Darius Rucker and Gardale Hatley. (Not Barry Sanders though.  He is always number one.) I loved Kris from “Man in the Mirror.” I bought his performance and have loved him ever since. He does not have bad songs. He has ones that maybe aren’t great, but never bad. His “Ain’t No Sunshine” was the best song I have ever seen on American Idol (followed closely by “Hallelujah” last year and Bo Bice’s acapella a few years back.) He is the only one on the show now that is so diverse musically. His arrangements are amazing and sometimes very different than the original, which is what we are looking for. And “Falling Slowly” may be one of my favorite vocals ever. I bought it the day after he sang it.  As of today, it has 79 plays on my iTunes, not counting iPod and the CD I burned of it in my car. Obsessed?  Yes.  But that’s ok.

 

 

 

When I watch the results show, I usually go really fast through them because they are typically bad performances and the judges talking just to hear themselves talk. I was excited about Natalie Cole.  She has a good voice but the song was bad.  And I love Jamie Foxx, but he proved that if you get a voice changer and have a good body, you too can make it big. I want him behind a piano singing blues and jazzy stuff. Please Jamie— don’t turn into Kanye.  The world can only take one if him.

 

I want Ryan one day at the beginning of the show to say, “OK Kiren.  Dim the lights. Adam, you sang some song that you yelled and…oh screw it.  You’re going home. Ok now we can have a real show.”

 

Allison has the girl votes and will kill next week. Danny and Kris have the same pool with Kris getting the young girl votes (count me as a voter.)  Adam is going to get all the people who don’t really think on their own and only listen to the judges.  Sorry if that was harsh. I just really don’t like him. If he goes home next week, I promise I will take my shirt off, grab my dog and celebrate with the neighbors like Denzel did in Titans right before the big game. Fletch will be on my shoulders and I will yell at the neighbors to come out as I scream, “We did it. We really did it! The beast has been slayed.”

 

Please grant me this opportunity.