I’d like to take this time to give a big THANK YOU to all who are reading this recap. That means YOU! I love all of your comments, emails and blatant stalking at church. You know who you are…

I’m talking about Sarah and Marc’s sweet family. It was a delight to meet you all this past Sunday. A little awkward signing the brother-in-law’s chest, but that’s why we carry around Sharpies in our purses, right? Hope you guys are having fun on your family vacation. Next time invite me to come along instead of bragging about it.

But seriously. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again—you guys ROCK!

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SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelors on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Our Host Chris Harrison begins the show with a quick recap on last week’s episode. You know the one where “Graham’s mother confirms DDAHnna’s biggest fear. And in a decision that surprised AMERICA…she dumps him.”

He leaves us with this great sentence:

“And now, DDAHnna TRIES to find love in the Grand Bahamas.”

Love that Our Host puts all the emphasis on TRIES. Because after last week, we all know where DD’s heart is…with her beloved Graham. Even though she tries to look confidently at the camera to tell us that she made the right decision in letting him go, she still admits that it was hard because she thought he would be the final one.

Then she calls him a brat. On national television. Seriously?
***UPDATE: She called him Brad. Not a brat. Thanks for all 5,000 of you who commented and emailed me with this correction.***

“Now that Graham is gone, I’m down to three guys. I have no real feelings for any of them, so I’m not sure how this is going to end. I was falling in love with Graham. Have you seen him? He’s hot. I know he’s a total brat when it comes to relationships, but I can get passed that. If only he would put a ring on my finger. But that’s not the case is it? Everything is up in the air because of him. I’ll do my best to try and put the image of him out of my mind. The image of those fine abs and those piercing eyes and that taught butt. It will be hard, but with a little alcohol, I’m sure I can manage. INTERN! BRING MAMA A VODKA TONIC.”

Forego Date with Jeremy
DD waits for Jeremy on the beach. She talks about how they have a special bond. I can’t quite remember what that bond is…they are very private and hardly ever talk about it. But DD wants Jeremy to cut loose a little and be fun and silly. She has some great stuff planned for them today.

DDAHnna: “Jeremy and I know each other well. He’s pretty perfect. I can see myself marrying him. Who cares about love? He’s hot and is smart. Did you see his bar exam notes?”

DDAHnna and Jeremy board a pontoon boat and go to a secluded island where they ride jet skis and have deep conversations about nothing.

[cue plunky background music]

J: “So that was fun.”
D: “It was fun.”
J: “You are quiet.”
D: “I’m annoyed because you are so serious.”

Jeremy shares with the ABC camera man and intern that he can’t imagine his life without DDAHnna. Cut to DDAHnna looking across the horizon at the sunset, remembering the days of yore when she had more connection in a deep stare from her beloved Graham that the two hours she just spent counting Jeremy’s abs. She sighs and forces herself to squeal with glee when Jeremy finds a shell with a hermit crab inside.

Yeah. Pretty sure that’s not a hermit crab, but we’re going to move on instead of harping on this issue for too long. Thanks.

Back at the Grand Bahaman Fancy Hotel, DD admits that she is frustrated the Jeremy seems to be holding back.

“I don’t know why Jeremy is pulling back from me. Words of affirmation is my love language and you would think BY NOW he would know that. Did he forget? I dumped Graham for not showing me affection 24/7. And I was IN LOVE with him. Jeremy is going to have to step up his game. I’m never going to feel the connection with him that I have…had…with Graham, but he can at least TRY to make me feel like a princess. I deserve it. Do I need to remind you about the infamous Home Depot Proposal Pedestal fiasco of last year?”

Jeremy admits that he needs to have a “talk” with DD soon because he is dying on the inside. And the romantic setting makes it that much more important.

Unfortunately, Jeremy turns into a pre-pubescent boy and starts giggling nervously as if he’s about to get to second base for the first time. DD looks at him with a glaring eye and thinks to herself, “Suck it up man. Graham would never be this way. Someone needs to top off my wine. Where’s that intern when I need him?”

They have a conversation about how they need to be themselves. Or something about being comfortable. Or being aware of their feelings. I don’t know. I’m lost.

Jeremy: “Today I was the most nervous since I met you. I really do care about you and am afraid to lose you. Which is ironic, because I don’t technically have you. My head got me through the first half, and now my heart is taking over. I would tell you that I’m falling in love, but it’s already happened. I don’t expect you to say anything. I just want you to know.”

Then they make out at the table. And because he professed his love, DD is confident that he will not deny her forego card and they head to the fantasy suite.

Jeremy is stoked. He says his heart is about to jump out of his chest. Lincee thinks something else is about to jump out of his pants. I’m just saying.

They gush and blush over the super pimped out fantasy suite. Candles are on every ledge, flat surface and anything that stands still. We get a tight shot of the pair horizontal on the bed. The camera man backs out of the door way and as if on cue, (ya think?) Jeremy gets up to shut the door so they can do it in the Bahamas. The Grand Bahamas.

Forego Date with Jason
DDAHnna loves how Jason is so in to her. She thinks it’s super cute how he is always excited to see her. She thoughtfully asks how Ty handled his father’s departure. Jason told his son that he was going to get a flower from DDAHnna.

I’m just gong to go out on a limb and say someone took her flower a looooong time ago. But good luck with your forego endeavors Jason. I wish you well.

DD and Jason ride around in a Jeep through what appears to be a rain forest. For some reason, DD decides that today she is NOT woman hear her roar and allows Jason to drive. She does give him one dig before entering the passenger side by asking if he knows how to drive a stick.

Jason is excited to show DD his wild side. I think the odometer read 54 miles per hour once. CRAZY!

It’s also important to note that Jason is a hand holder. All the time. Even when they are pulling themselves across the rain forest on a floating dock, he grabs her hand between pulls. Sort of got weird, but I’m sure she loves that.

Did anyone else wonder if the mosquitoes were killing them? Just me?

They make there way over to a picnic and talk about how they are not picky eaters. Then they feed the fish. DDAHnna talked about how she laughed a lot. She wasn’t sure if it was the company or her little white shorts with ties on the side. Regardless, he is totally in to her which is more than she can say for her beloved Graham.

Next up on her fun agenda: kayaking. Again, DDAHnna opts to ride behind Jason, allowing him take the lead position. Unfortunately, she is unable to hold the bossiness in any longer and starts barking out orders for him to GO STRAIGHT. RIGHT PADDLE. LEFT PADDLE. Jason is confused and reminds her that A.) they are on the same team and B.) not racing anyone. She reminds him that life is a race kid. You need to go all or nothing. Just like Graham did NOT do and that’s why she dumped him even though she was falling in love. GAME ON JASON!

At dinner, DDAHnna starts asking about Ty again.

Jason: “If you want to talk about Ty that’s fine, but I’d like to talk about us.”
DD: “That’s the sweetest thing ever! You would trump Ty for me? I need to rethink if I’m falling in love with you or not.”

Jason: “You are the two most important subjects in my life.”
DD: “I have something that Chris Harrison gave me. I’d like for you to read it.”

Jason: “Is he here?”
DD: “Probably, but that’s not the point. Do you want to forego or not?”

Jason doesn’t even read the card. He tosses it to the ABC intern, grabs DD and goes on and on about how the forego suite is so beautiful. DD agrees, even though she was just there with Jeremy. They kiss. DDAHnna leaves her eyes open. Lincee gets ooged out. Jason gives her a sand dollar necklace for her to always remember their time together in the Bahamas. The Grand Bahamas.

Jason: “Thank you for teaching me that I can fall in love again.”
Lincee: “I bet she gives him her flower.”
DDAHnna: “I’m falling for Jason. Not as hard as Graham, but whatever. It all is going as perfect as it can be. I mean, I wish these lips I’m kissing were Graham’s luscious lips, but what can you do? I wonder what Graham is doing? Probably playing basketball and getting all sweaty. Maybe he should take his shirt off. This sand dollar is itching my neck.”

Forego Date with Jesse
DD is sad because it’s her last day in the Grand Bahamas and she never got to forego with Graham. She’s going to have to make do with sweet Jesse. She hopes that he acts like a boyfriend today.

Jesse sees DDAHnna and tells her she looks hot. That’s a good start. Then he tells her he has butterflies. Even better.

The go horseback riding in the surf of the Grand Bahamas Island. The horses are up to their necks. Looks pretty uncomfortable if you ask me, but maybe that’s how you ride horses in the surf. Jesse encourages his horse to go over by the girl in red so he can kiss her. Too cute. Then DD proceeds to trot/run with her horse in a string red bikini. Not cute.

Naturally, the twosome enjoy a picnic on the beach. They talk about how they were friends first and then boyfriend/girlfriend next and that’s why they are sure to make it.

DD: “My relationship with Jesse is like stepping stone…carefully choosing where I step each time I see him. I wish it was more like Graham…jumping in full force with reckless abandon, but that’s not the case. I dumped him even though I was falling in love. When we were making out in the water, I closed my eyes and had a moment where I thought I could be with Jesse. But then I opened my eyes and it wasn’t Graham.”

The producers force the pair to stand on some rather sharp rocks and make out because the sun is setting and the lighting is amazing. If anything, the cinematographer might be able to pull a technical Emmy out of this show. DD and Jess oblige.

Jesse talks about how he is falling for D. As she leans into his chest to enjoy the beach bonfire, he tells her it was a perfect day. She reminds him that it is not over yet.

Aside: $20 that Jesse built that fire and not the ABC intern.

In her best pirate outfit, DD greets Jesse for dinner on the ocean. Jesse decides that it’s the fourth quarter and there are two minutes on the clock. Time to go for the touchdown.

Jesse: “I know you said you want 2-3 kids. When do you want…?”
DD interrupts: “Before I’m 30.”
Jesse: “I’m on the ‘young Dad’ train too.”

Jesse: “Can you be in Breck a few months out of the year?”
DD: “I’m worried that I won’t fit in with snowboarding in Breck.”

She doesn’t call it Breck. That’s for people who shred every day. Quit trying to be Colorado Cool DD.

Jesse: “I want to be a sports agent, find the girl of my dreams and just be happy. I have found her and I’m falling for you so hard. Hard to say that, but I am. Feels so good but it scares the crap out of me.”

DDAHnna tells the camera that she was super stoked when Jesse said he was falling in love with her. Lincee notes that he never said that.

DD pulls out the forego card and Jesse pretends that he can’t go until he meets her Dad. She looks shocked. She has some special treasure chest panties that match her pirate outfit. Who is going to see those now? Maybe she can send a picture to Graham via her cell phone. Yeah that’s it!

DD gets excited at the thought of Graham when Jesse spills the beans. SNAP! HE’S JUST KIDDING!

A little disappointed, DD leads Jesse to the forego suite and slumps down on the couch as Jesse peruses the digs, shouting “RAD” and “AWESOME” and “DUDE” at every turn. Again, she’s over it.

Jesse senses that something is up with D and he decides it’s time to go for the kill.

“If you choose me, I hope you are ready to marry me because that’s where I’m headed.”

DD hears the faint chiming of wedding bells and they get busy. The intern taps Jess on the shoulder and asks him to hold a passionate kiss at the camera pans out and away to focus on a cluster of candles.

Rose Ceremony
Our three Bachelors are standing outside the Grand Bahaman Fantasy Hotel waiting for DDAHnna to arrive. Her beefcake body guard lets her out of the limo and she approaches the trio.

“I didn’t think I could have feelings for you guys since I was falling in love with Graham. But I was wrong. They showed me in my contract where I had to pick someone, so that sucks. I can only do what my heart tells me. I’m sick to my stomach that I’m going to break someone’s heart tonight. I sort of care about all of you. This is not easy and I need you to know that my heart is breaking. Not really, because Graham smashed it to bits last week. But here goes…”

Jesse
Whooooo hoooooo! RAD! DUDE! AWESOME! I totally did not expect that!
Then, after the longest pause known to all mankind, she picks Jason.

Poor Germy has to look away so he won’t start crying. He takes a couple of deep breathes before D asks to walk him out. Holding hands. Why do they hold hands? That bugs. She cries the entire walk of shame. Oh look! A Pier One wicker bench. Let’s see how she lets him down.

Jeremy: “I was all about you from the beginning, from the first second I saw you. I look at you…”

DD interrupts. She’s good at that.

“You are perfect. I would have been the luckiest woman. I’m stupid for sending you home. We share a bond that no one else does. I didn’t want to confuse that bond with being in love.”

Jeremy: “I’ve never had my heart broken like this. I’m in love and there is no doubt about it. Today is one of the worst days I’ve ever had. Can you open that wound a little more? Because I’d like you to throw some salt in it. Maybe some lemon juice?”

DD flings herself on him in a hug and he tells her not to cry. Then he embraces her…tells her he will miss her…and then he gets in the limo. He looks back at the woman who just broke his heart.

Inside the limo, the ABC psychotherapist tries to get him to cry. He talks about how he didn’t see it coming. He talks about how there was a feeling, a look, the touch of a hand…she had it all. Then he asks the driver to stop the car. Lord if he throws up, I might die. He roams the grass, jumping up casually in an effort to see the champagne toast from behind the hedge. He doesn’t want to lose another person that he loves. Man, he is working hard to be the next Bachelor. Oh he is milking it. He doesn’t know what to do from here as he holds on to the tree. Maybe he should go write it all down in a journal and or hang it up on his wall by the Bar exam notes to see what went wrong.

Most Memorable Moments of Men Tell All
1. The applause that FRED received from the studio audience and the chick who asked him out on a date at the very VERY end. He is adorable. Team Fred!
2. The Chef calling Jeremy “Captain D-Bag” and then Our Host Chris Harrison pointing out that only dudes would high five each other after someone was called a d-bag. Classic.
3. Our Host Chris Harrison pointing out that Ellen DeGeneres and Graham’s own Mom said that he had commitment issues.
4. DD telling Graham that she was second guessing her decision, but now she doesn’t care that she sent him packing.
5. Graham pretending to not hear the follow-up question because he was still picking out shrapnel out of his soul from the “horrible comment” she just made.
6. Our Host Chris Harrison calling DD out saying that she looked PISSED when Graham said that. “I don’t know if you two are going to start fighting or make out!”
7. The Virgin trying to get 15 minutes of fame.
8. Our Host Chris Harrison asking DDAHnna if she can fall in love with DOJO’s mullet. “Business in the front and party in the back. Is he a haircut away from winning your heart? Are you going to ask him if he actually fought in the Cobra Kai dojo?”

Note: This is why I heart Our Host Chris Harrison. This thing was taped months ago, and clearly both of our minds went to Karate Kid when we first met DOJO. LOVE HIM! TEAM CHRIS!

9. The horse running off with DD on the forego date with Jesse.
10. DDAHnna claiming to the world for the first time that she is “very happy, in love and ENGAGED!”

We’ll give you a buck to stop your
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Hmmmm. Interesting. I’m willing to bet that she had to make a very important phone call to someone after this segment aired and there was a lot of ABC editing going on until the wee hours of morning for next week’s episode.

My thoughts? She is ticked off that Graham is somehow getting the last word and she is left feeling stupid in front of America again. He’s getting construction site cat calls from audience members and slaps on the back from fellow Bachelors. She basically professed her love a million time for the guy and he shrugs her off with a boyish grin that has a confusing and mysterious sexual undertone.

So what do you think? It’s time to see who is going to be DDAHnna’s number two. I have NO CLUE who she is going to pick, because I had Jesse going home last night. It’s up to you guys to let the truth be known. Vote below!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

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