15 moments from ‘The Bachelor’ at 20 special

It’s hard to believe that some of us have actually watched 20 seasons of The Bachelor. I would probably have challenged myself to name all 20 seasons worth of bachelors to prove that it has indeed been that long if ABC hadn’t aired sweet footage of Our Baby Face Host Chris Harrison having a mentor talk with original Bachelor Alex on what was probably Mike Fleiss’ personal Sony camcorder. It’s been a wild, strange, amazing ride and I enjoyed the walk down Memory Lane.

To quote Bob Guiney, “I think The Bachelor is responsible for all the love and happiness in the world.”

Any Bachelor TV special with Bob Guiney is one I can get behind. Let’s talk about the most memorable moments, shall we?

Always a bridesmaid
Michelle Money and Clare Crawley are still single and they want you to know that they are sort of fine with that relationship status. They are also a bit confused as to why Jade and Tanner didn’t segregate their wedding guests into “single” and “taken” sides of the aisle. Both will cut you with their statement necklaces if you even THINK about catching the wedding bouquet.

He thinks his tractor’s sexy
The Farmer is also still single and ready to mingle. He’s into Ashley I-Lashes sister (who I thought was Vienna for a hot second), but she seems to be thoroughly disgusted by his sweaty pits on the dance floor. Bless him.

Buns in the oven
Harrison was quick to point out that some of our former contestants are not only pregnant, but they are PREG-NANT. Nice. DDAHnna is about to pop with her second child. She married Stag’s twin brother. Too bad Stag wasn’t there to whip out some of his fine break dancing moves. Erica Rose is also with child, but without her tiara. She wants you to know that she found her special someone in eight weeks — just like The Bachelor! She also found herself starring down the barrel of a shotgun wedding, just like she always wanted. Such a random comment. I thought her beau was the fisherman bachelor (the one I called Centrum Silver), but I was wrong. Ali Fedowtowsky is next in line to parade her baby bump. Then Sean’s wife Catherine. Soon Melrose (Ashley S.) shows up with a swollen belly in a red dress. Harrison was quick to do the math, offering some insight to the viewing audience. If his calculations are correct, she pretty much did the deed right after Bachelor in Paradise. It looked like she wanted to throw a pomegranate at his face. The verdict is still out if she’s going to deliver the baby in Mesa Verde with a zombie doula.

A wink and a smile
Surprise, surprise, Ashley I-Lashes is still all up in Jared’s business. He looks at her as if she is a beloved best friend’s little sister who is majorly crushing on him. At one point, he yawns as she sits there awkwardly nursing her cocktail. She tells the camera she’s willing to go to third base tonight. She’s also going to murder him if he doesn’t make a move. Solid plan. Jared keeps his hands to himself and refrains from rolling his eyes too much. The longer the night goes on, the more liquor Lashes pours down her throat. By the time Jade and Tanner are pronounced man and wife, she’s once again crying in the green room about how life isn’t fair. All she’s ever wanted is to be engaged to Jared and get married in a pink princess dress on national TV with her Bachelor family watching. Is that too much to ask?!

Thanks, but no thanks
Dr. Travis Stork Skypes in, thanking Bachelor Nation for the continued support before apologizing that he can’t be there in person. It’s called “ratings,” people. He’s a smart man. Des and Chris also video chat. They choose to celebrate their anniversary instead of a free night of booze and frivolity. Ashley and JP also bow out of the festivities. Ashely has a clause in her contract that states she will only attend Bachelor-related events if she’s pregnant and needs a sonogram. Understandable.

The Royal We
Trista and Ryan are royalty. Everyone thinks so. Everyone knows so. Ryan needs to eat a sandwich or two.

Hot Tub time machine
Harrison counted down the steamiest hot tub moments from Bachelor history. Jason and Jillian (pre-nose job), Trista and Ryan and The Farmer and Kaitlyn (with Jimmy Kimmel) made the cut. Kevin Hart was snubbed.

Haters gonna hate
Apparently the producers at The Bachelor think we hate Michelle Money. I don’t know what audiences they are polling, but that is untrue. They also think we hate Tiara. Just because you can’t control your own eyebrow and have a fear of losing your sparkle doesn’t make you a horrible person. And then there’s Kelsey from The Farmer’s season. They pretty much nailed that one.

Drama Queen
I squirmed the entire time the “most dramatic moments” played. Kaitlyn’s big “I banged Nick” reveal to her fiancé Shawn was certainly dramatic. So was Jason telling Melissa Rycroft that he was just kidding about that proposal and would really like to give the beautiful Neil Lane ring he was gifted to Molly, mmkay? Jake and Vienna will always be my favorite though. Both stare at Chris Harrison as Jake berates her for selling him out to a magazine. Then they start arguing and Harrison just lets it happen. Tears! Shouting! Veins popping! It’s what good TV is made of.

Taking cues from Olivia and Fitz
Scandals! The Bachelor is full of them! Remember when Ali found out that that Rated-R wrestler dude had a girlfriend? She challenged him in front of all the other guys and he left, traipsing through a sea of foliage with a cast on his foot just to get away from the tiny blonde who was about to rip him a new one. Courtney and Ben/Groban’s skinny dipping scene was a close second. I feel this wasn’t as scandalous as Clare and Juan Pablo’s tryst. I did agree with the number one most scandalous moment — Harrison kicking Roz off the show because she entered into a relationship with a staffer. Bye Felicia.

Pulling a Mesnick
If you’ve been reading me since Jason’s season, you’ll know that “pulling a Mesnick” consists of a man losing all emotional control as he weeps over the edge of a balcony. My friend Emily was nice enough to Tweet about it last night:

We’ve discussed that there are variations of The Mesnick. For example, if there isn’t easy access to a balcony, bending over onto any other tangible item, albeit a chair or a railing or a tree, is considered a Half-Mesnick. If no sturdy items are within reach that can withstand your emotional weight, placing one’s hands on one’s knees in order to weep freely is called a Quarter-Mesnick. I absolutely love that the show highlighted this phenomenon. I also should have trademarked that phrase back in 2009. Thanks to my other friend Emily who dug this up from my website back in the day. It’s an exchange with my friend Some Guy in Austin:

The Bachelor

Am I blue?
Harrison’s bow tie was blue, right? Someone agree with me. Please.

Oh right. We’re gathered here today to watch a wedding.
Jade looked gorgeous. Tanner looked dapper. Neil Lane looked orange. All is right with the world. Matt Nathanson sang as Jade walked down the aisle. Harrison gives Tanner an affectionate “don’t puke now” pat on the back. Why was he so close you ask? Why Harrison facilitated the wedding, of course! Carly breaks rank from the bridesmaid line to sing an original song she wrote for the happy couple. Her new beau accompanies her on the guitar. She’d like for me to thank everyone who has already purchased the single on iTunes. TAKE THAT KIRK!

Kiss from a rose
Seal sings “Kiss From a Rose” as a surprise gift to the happy couple. They look kind of happy that a cool singer is serenading them, but they also look kind of irritated that their first dance as man and wife was not “You Are the Best Thing” by Ray LaMontagne as originally planned.

Bang, bang into the room
Andi has bangs now. They hang in her face. She doesn’t want people to notice whens she cuts her eyes in Our Host Chris Harrison’s direction during his celebratory toast.

What did you think about the special? Did you think the wedding was pretty? Were there any missing alumni that you were hoping to see? What were you favorite parts?

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