‘The Bachelor’ recap: A nude awakening

The Bacheor Farmer

I’m going to kick this Bachelor recap off with a very bold statement—I have been thoroughly entertained this entire season. Truly! Yes, The Farmer may be a nice, good old boy who doesn’t necessarily excel in front of the camera, but what he lacks in pizzaz, his potential wives make up for in drama. Couple that with Fleiss’ propensity to shake up the typical episode flow we’ve all but memorized after 19 seasons of “reality,” and I end up clenching my butt and literally yelling at the television on multiple occasions.

Say what you want, people. That’s just good TV right there. And last night was no exception.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the twerking instructor who is obsessed with the fictional life of Jamie and Claire Fraser like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

One-On-One
Becca
Bachelor FarmerDue to Becca’s dark horse status, you probably forgot that we didn’t see her one-on-one date on Sunday night. I appreciate the producers decision to bump Becca’s date to hour four in lieu of a full, 20-minute helping of Britt’s meltdown. Sadly, Becca’s date didn’t produce any information we didn’t already know, so I will beta cap that business for the sake of time.

Santa Fe turquoise jewelry wearing, “I live in a tiny town” discussing, “Sorry we haven’t been to fancy places” apologizing, Becca moves slowly confessing, vulnerable side showing, The Farmer thigh grabbing, family time anticipating, roof climbing, sunset watching, silhouette kissing.

Pre Cocktail Party
Jade and Whitney huddle around Carly and Kaitlyn so Carly can perform the One Act Play she’s written, detailing each of Britt’s eye rolls, hair tosses, pursed lips, and inappropriate “I’m number one” memes from the night before. Britt bounces into the room, flops down on the couch and announces that she has packed her stuff and is leaving before the rose ceremony. She doesn’t feel like introducing her dad to a man who handed the rose to the girl sitting next to her, nohardfeelingsloveyouKaitlyn.

Carly untucks her shirt from her bra (makeshift crop top), stares at Britt’s hot pink lips, and flat out tells her that she doesn’t believe she’s leaving. I may have stood up and saluted her. Jade begins to try and talk Britt out of her decision. It’s all Carly can do not to coldcock Jade with her “Diary of a Meltdown” script. Britt waivers back and forth, claiming that there’s “probably” nothing he could say to make her change her mind. Everyone knows winners have only two rules in life: 1. Never give out all the information.

Britt hops up off the couch and skips into the next room to reapply. Kaitlyn is the one who hits the nail on the head: Britt wants The Farmer to fight for her to stay. And if he doesn’t, she’s going to conveniently leave him first.

Cocktail Party
Carly’s electric blue dress was special. It’s rare when the bottom end of your plunging neckline almost reaches the peak of the split in your hemline. It was a feat of engineering that should be applauded for staying on. I’m confident someone saw her panties. There’s just no way around that one. Moving on.

The ladies line up along the edge of the carpet. The Farmer walks in and begins to recite a beautiful speech about finding love, and right reasons, and amazing journeys through the square states. You can tell he’s a little miffed when Britt interrupts the first time he’s actually sounded eloquent on this show. All she needs is two seconds.

She pulls him into the next room and apologizes for being overcome with emotion. Smart move. Then she gives him permission to speak. Bold move. The Farmer tells her that there were other girls in the house who questioned her honesty. Honest move. Britt begins to backpedal before demanding to know if it was Carly who started the rumor? Catty move. As The Farmer tries to explain, Britt constantly interrupts him. ANNOYING MOVE. The exchange ends with The Farmer’s voice rising, assuring Britt that her behavior is not a character trait he wants in a wife. Then he offers to walk her out.

Britt really turns on the waterworks, since she has some time to spare in front of the camera before they shove her in the rejection limo. Obviously, this footage will be ideal both for her actress reel and her audition tape to be the next bachelorette. She will inevitably play the “I was sabotaged” card on Women Tell All. She and Kelsey will start a club.

After all that, The Farmer sends Carly home. If anyone has a chance of dethroning Britt as the reigning top bachelorette candidate, it’s this chick.

Home Town Date #1
Becca

Once again, most of Becca’s date ended on the editing room floor. Fortunately, her modern-day take on Red Riding Hood’s cape made for an interesting wardrobe choice. Not only were the shoulders missing from this blouse, but so was her bra. That’s how they roll in the Louisiana swamp.

Becca

Becca’s family seemed nice enough at first, until each and every single one commented that Becca had never brought a boy home, nor had she ever touched one in her life. Instead of encouraging The Farmer that he looked like he made their loved one happy, they all agreed that this was weird. Becca’s sister has no idea how Becca will handle being a virgin in the fantasy suite. Becca simply tells her she plans on remaining a virgin after the fantasy suite. This blows her sister’s mind.

Meanwhile, Becca’s mom has no idea how to handle boyfriends, since there has never been one to visit, so she goes the tried and true route: she threatens to cut him if he breaks her baby’s heart.

Geez. Be cool, Becca’s family.

The Farmer takes Becca to the Louisiana State Farm to makeout on the Ferris wheel. We don’t know if they were able to score a fried Twinkie. Regardless, Becca says that she will look back on this day and know that what she’s currently feeling can only be described as love.

Home Town Date #2
Whitney

Whitney, wearing a navy coat with a popped collar, greets our bachelor near her work. Instead of showing him Chicago, she wants to make a baby! *WINK*

The Farmer totally forgot that she’s a fertility nurse, but soon finds his way back into the conversation and joins her in a pair of scrubs to watch an egg be implanted by a sperm. Ta-da! Now you try it!

Wait, what?

Whitney and her random fertility nurse friend escort The Farmer into a little room where Jade’s Playboy lies in the corner. They instruct him to make a donation in a cup so they can test his sperm. The joke goes on just a smidgen too long, and The Farmer and I find ourselves on the verge of waiting at the struggle bus stop. Whitney finally admits she’s kidding and then kisses him in the donation room. Gross.

Time to meet the family!

The Farmer stops Whitney shy of entering the house. Since her mom has died, he wants to know who should be the family member to give their marriage blessing? Whitney doesn’t realize that this is protocol for all four dates, and assumes that a ring will be on her finger within a matter of days. She blurts out, “MY SISTER” and then begins picking china patterns in her head.

After dinner, Whitney warns her sister that The Farmer is going to ask her permission to marry Whitney, and she needs to know that this is real, and she wants this man to be her husband. The sister reminds Whitney that this dude lives in a tiny town in Iowa. Has she really thought this through? It’s been five seconds.

Whitney: At the end of this process, there is a proposal.
Sister: There doesn’t have to be.
Whitney: I WANT THERE TO BE ONE. What you say when you talk to him…
Sister: Don’t put that on me. I don’t think that it’s fair when there are three other women.

This may be the most logical conversation we’ve ever witnessed in the history of this show.

The Farmer sits with the sister and asks for her blessing. The sister basically says that she can’t give it to him when three other girls are in the mix, but if he decides that Whitney is the one, he should call her. Until then, no blessing.

Whitney is forced to do a bit of damage control. She grabs a bottle from her kitchen and tells The Farmer that this is the super expensive wine she bought once upon a time. She wanted to share it with the man she was going to marry. She pops the cork, pours him a glass, and gives him a hearty cheers.

Yolo and whatever.

Home Town Date #3
Kaitlyn

Kaitlyn’s family may be from Vancouver, eh, but they winter in Phoenix. They also rap in their spare time, so it made perfect sense for Kaitlyn to take The Farmer into a sound studio to lay down some sick beats. When I use the term “sick,” I don’t mean the urban dictionary definition. These beats were non-existent. He couldn’t carry a tune in a wheelbarrow. (Wheelbarrow seemed apropos since he’s a farmer. Does it count when you have to explain the joke?)

Kaitlyn takes him to meet her family, and it’s her mom who is giddy over how light is beaming from her daughter’s eyes. She wants to know how far the love goes, and Kaitlyn is quick to hint that she’s almost in love. The moment clearly called for, “I’m in loke,” but she opted for the millennial version, “I heart him.” She hearts him so much, she bought an electronic billboard to tell him so. The Farmer is so happy, he channels Patrick Swayze and totally pulls a Dirty Dancing move on Kaitlyn. Of course she weighs 80-pounds, but he’s definitely thrown a few hay bales around to be able to lift her up like that. He’s having the time of his life!

Kaitlyn

Home Town Date #4
Jade

Jade walks through her tiny Nebraska town, pointing out all the ways it’s better than Arlington. “There’s a car. And a person. That door opens. And this place has food.” They make their way to her childhood home to meet the family. The tension is palpable through my TV screen. Through cryptic messaging, both Jade’s father and brother hint that there’s more rebel to Jade that meets the eye. The brother goes one step further to remind The Farmer that Jade left this tiny town a long time ago for the big city. He’s not sure this “wild mustang” wants to be led back to the farm.

They leave Jade’s family and head to a hotel so Jade can tell him her deep dark Playboy secret. Twenty minutes after hinting to The Farmer that she has to tell him about a “liberating” time she spent when she first got to LA, Jade finally admits that she posed nude. She also offers to pull up the photos so he can see for himself.

I found the fact that she offered to show him her nude photos odd and sad. I also found that The Farmer agreed to look at her nude photos was odd and sad. Oh great. There’s a video.

He told her that he didn’t think differently about her now that he knew, and she shouldn’t feel bad because she’s a beautiful woman. He tells the camera that it’s hard to find a soul mate and that he comes from a very conservative community. If Arlington has a problem with his woman posing nude, they can get over it. If Arlington has a problem with him forgoing his single room for a fantasy suite on national TV, they can get over that too.

As it turns out, The Farmer won’t have to worry about what the old man who opens up his building for morning coffee says about his future wife. To my SURPRISE, he picks Whitney, Kaitlyn, and Becca over Jade. Let it be known that she is an amazing person, and it had nothing to do with the fact that he’s seen her undercarriage and ta-tas. He just had a bigger connection with the other girls.

Next week, ABC forks over a little cash and sends the cast and crew to their first overseas adventure (not counting that one time they went to New Mexico.) As one would assume, Bali is the perfect place to fall in love.

What did you think of this week’s elimination? Do you think he made a mistake? Will Britt be a candidate for the next bachelorette? Do you think Carly is hilarious? make sure to let me know your favorite lines from Sunday AND Monday!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

Comments

332 Comments on "‘The Bachelor’ recap: A nude awakening"

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Robin Mcculough
Robin Mcculough

Priceless: “Whitney led the Farmer into a little room where Jade’s Playboy lies in the corner.”

Meg
Meg

This was my favorite too! So clever.

Lori
Lori

This is so clever and witty. And please, please let Carly be the next bachelorette! She is so stinkin funny.

Mary Beth
Mary Beth

LOL. So funny! Best line, by far.

Dick Pepperwood
Dick Pepperwood

She’d be a horrible Bacholerette. Anyone that revels in bad things happening to other people like she does is not going to make a good Bachelorette.

BY
BY

Agreed! I liked Carly until she started showing her catty and bitchy side. I don’t think I could watch a full season of her as the star. I’d much rather watch Becca. Kaitlyn would be fun too but they’d be bleeping so much, we probably wouldn’t know what was going on!

jl
jl

LINCEE!!! I was going to make a comment on Facebook about this but I felt like it was too sassy. Thank you for doing what I could not!!!!!!!!!

Tanya T.
Tanya T.

Hysterical. My vote is cast for that line as well!

irishwind
irishwind

Somewhere an intern is getting abused. They can put up a pier 1 bed with rugs and flags in the badlands, but couldn’t have Jade’s playboy on top of the pile in the room?

Ana

I also love “There’s a car. And a person. That door opens. And this place has food.”

Best line ever

quilting hottie

This was my favorite as well. Very much LOL

Cat
Cat

This was my favorite too! I re-read it several times-very witty!

Mindy
Mindy

When they went into that room and mentioned Playboy I thought, I know Lincee will have something to say about that! 🙂 You did not disappoint!

Delyla
Delyla

I text my group the exact same thing when they were saying Chris was going in a room with Playboys. I was so hoping he would tell Jade, “oh yea, I know, I already saw that on my hometown with Whitney.” lol

Cathy
Cathy

Totally favorite line too!

jennifer
jennifer

My personal fav from this week:

Whitney and her random fertility nurse friend escort The Farmer into a little room where Jade’s Playboy lies in the corner!

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA !!

Amye
Amye

This:

Jade walks through her tiny Nebraska town, pointing out all the ways it’s better than Arlington. “There’s a car. And a person. That door opens. And this place has food.”

almost got me busted at work. Literally laughed out loud!

Love Carly for Bachelorette!

Emily
Emily

I thought I was the only one… That was my line too!

There’s a person – ha !

Tara
Tara

great recap, Lincee! Favorite line:
Jade walks through her tiny Nebraska town, pointing out all the ways it’s better than Arlington. “There’s a car. And a person. That door opens. And this place has food.”

Bri
Bri

Me too! Add my vote to that line – loved it!! Laughed out loud at work too! 🙂

Kristin
Kristin

No one else noticed that while talking to Britt about how she really wasn’t going to leave, Carly kept pulling her ponytail over her eyes and mouth? I thought that was weird.

Favorite comment from this recap: Fortunately, her modern-day take on Red Riding Hood’s cape made for an interesting wardrobe choice. Not only were the shoulders missing from this blouse, but so was her bra. That’s how they roll in the Louisiana swamp.

Heather
Heather

I assumed Carly hiding behind her ponytail her version of hiding behind the couch cushions.

Lilo
Lilo

I also thought “How is Becca’s top going to cover everything if she bends forward?” I am glad I am not the only one who noticed!

Also, I love Carly. She kept things real.

NYGal
NYGal

I think Carly is a very jealous person.

Joycep
Joycep

I don’t think that at all. I think Carly clearly had Britt’s number. And I believe Carly knew her time was up. She came across very sincere to the farmer. And she is so funny. She genuinely made me laugh instead of cringe laugh! Carly for the next bachelorette! It would be fun.

Emily

She could have easily “had her number” without being downright catty and malicious.
I can’t really believe that Carly is sincere, knowing that her brother was on Des’s season and that she’s a cruise ship singer… c’mon. She wants ABC’s help to be a pop star.
Britt and Carly have gotten too polarizing, so I’m guessing it’ll be Kaitlyn as Bachelorette.

Susan in MI
Susan in MI

Oh, please. I sincerely doubt that Carly is harboring any illusions about becoming a pop star. She’s a cruise ship singer, which is very, very low on the food chain in the entertainment world. It would be like an Ice Capades skater thinking she had a chance at winning the Olympics. (Dorothy Hamill doesn’t count; she BOUGHT the freakin’ Ice Capades, and it was after she won the Olympics.) Carly is so clearly looking for a husband to take her away from her sad and lonely cruise ship-singing existence.

Dick Pepperwood
Dick Pepperwood

I agree. the Carly we’ve seen is a horrible person. She isn’t at the level the other girls are so she tries to drag them down………

Chrissy
Chrissy

I completely agree. She was way too focused on her dislike for Britt. And to revel in the fact that ha-ha Britt was sent home….only to be sent home herself 2 minutes later. Not too fun to be crying in the rejection limo is it? I do not want to see her as the next bachelorette.

Delyla
Delyla

Lincee do you follow Emily on Twitter? She called Carly a hater and then proceeded to get slammed by her followers. She got in a tit for tat with one. Hilarious!!

Rebecca
Rebecca

Agree 100% ! Carly really showed her true colors in the past couple of episodes, her jealousy was obvious, and those feelings culminated in mean comments, and an ugly side she couldn’t help but show. I don’t think she’d be a good bachelorette, she’s too negative, and enjoyed it too much, when the other girls were suffering. And, I don’t want to be cruel, but I don’t think she really looks the part, either.

Olivia
Olivia

Loved your recap as always! I totally think Carly would be an awesome bachelorette. Favorite line:
“She needs a real Central Perk—not a farm version of Gunther.” and all the district 12 references! I laughed out loud! Also, what did Jade think Chris’s reaction to her showing him nude photos of her would be? I was ‘totally freaked out for him’ to quote Carly. Thanks again for a hilarious recap!

Ann
Ann

Lincee and Robin, I thought the same thing about the fertility clinic! The irony that some of Whitney’s clients could have made their deposits/donations as a result of looking at Jade’s photos is just too much!

There were some amusing editing things these past two nights: a girl’s face superimposed in the full moon (was it Carly’s? It was so fleeting, I couldn’t tell); the thermometer on the Arlington bank building registering a balmy 55, while one girl had on tiny running shorts, one had on a crop top, and none had on a sweater; and was the door on that ferris wheel compartment sort of dangling only half shut?! I was afraid our farmer would fall out.

I do not understand him taking Becca to the final four, as their “connection” seems tenuous at best. And, wow, did her family ever throw her under the bus!

Dana
Dana

Looks like I’m breaking the tie!

“Whitney and her random fertility nurse friend escort The Farmer into a little room where Jade’s Playboy lies in the corner.”

So great 🙂

Christine
Christine

WINK.

We all caught that wink.

I’m with you – this is a grade A TV season and I’m entertained from beginning to end.

Kelly F
Kelly F

Favorite line: “Let it be known that she is an amazing person, and it had nothing to do with the fact that he’s seen her undercarriage and ta-tas. He just had a bigger connection with the other girls.” That quote sums it up. I was screaming BS at the TV as the words were coming out of this mouth.

I was CRINGING during the laptop video screening of naked Jade. Chris’s expressions were priceless. Agreed – this is fantastic TV, thanks ABC. It’s like they hit a new low and a new high at the same time.

I’m sure all the talk about second guessing his decision went over well with the girl who is still standing at the end of it all, as they are probably viewing it together. Good luck with that, Chris.

I do not vote for Britt as next Bachelorette. Yes, drop dead gorgeous but the personality is kind of a nightmare. Nope. Carly is funny and yes, the girl you turn to when trying to gather information about the girls you really want to date (you pegged that!). That said, I was slightly turned off when she painted Britt on her hand.

Can’t wait for next week!!! Great recap!

Lindsey
Lindsey

So I don’t think the problem is that he has seen her undercarriage and ta tas. Pretty sure the problem is that he is among thousands (or more..and now the miliions who can and will do a quick google search) who have seen all her business.

Tasha
Tasha

It’s like they hit a new low and a new high at the same time.

Ha! My favorite quote from the comments & so very true.

S
S

Surely the producers are reading your blog and let them read over and over again that we want Carly for bachelorette. we know the producers planted britt on the show to create her back story for being bachelorette, but we dont want to watch fake.

Sully the Donkey's Friend
Sully the Donkey's Friend

Sorry, but I respectfully disagree about Carly being a good Bachelorette. She comes across as sorely lacking in self-confidence which makes her act bitter and mean toward others. The Bachelorette doesn’t need to be a saint, but she should at least come across as kind and confident. I had really, really liked Carly up until the past 2 weeks.

Libby Gordon
Libby Gordon

I so agree! She’s been the Regina George of this season’s Bachelor the past few weeks. Honestly I was glad when the Farmer sent her packing too.

Catherine
Catherine

I have to agree. I really wanted someone to tell Carly that she is super witty and fun but needs to take the meanness down a notch. She just seemed to cross the funny line into being catty in the last episodes and I was disappointed.

Rebecca
Rebecca

Yes ! Carly’s insecurities, and her jealousy, really revealed a mean person underneath all the perky pep. I think she’s immature, and unlike Whitney, Kaitlyn and Jade, she hit Britt below the belt on numerous occasions. When will the wonen on this show learn that it does not make you look good to run down someone else. I was happy Chris sent her home.

LegallyBlondeMommy
LegallyBlondeMommy

Exactly!

Vicki
Vicki

I so agree about the lack of self-confidence. People who are insecure often feel better by putting someone else down. I don’t think Carly is a bad person per se; it’s just that her lack of self-confidence manifests itself in an unflattering way.

I think Whitney would make a good bachelorette if she doesn’t get picked by Farm Hunk. I like her sense of humor (even if the deposit room thing went on a tad too long) and self-confidence, and that goes a long way toward making someone attractive.

Heather
Heather

Oh no, not Whitney! I can’t handle that whiny voice for another season. She needs to bring it down into a lower register!

Dick Pepperwood
Dick Pepperwood

Carly would make a horrible Bachelorette because she has severe self-esteem issues. Who is she going to drag down when there aren’t other women to try to pull down?

Emily

Des is a great example of someone without KILLER self esteem, but knew what she wanted. I thought Carly was a Des… until the hand-painting and insinuations about Jillian’s genitals.

Dick Pepperwood
Dick Pepperwood

Des may not have had a really high self-esteem, but she didn’t try to pull other contestants down either. She was a much happier person on the show than Carly ever displayed.

lindamarie
lindamarie

SO TRUE!!
Someone on another post said, “If she’s bachelorette, I won’t watch, because I don’t like her.” We don’t watch it because we LIKE the people. We watch it because it is a train wreck!! (and for OHCH, of course).

Side note- my 11 year old nephew told my sister the other night, “Mom, you are beautiful inside and out.” And she was so moved, and said thank you, and then he whispered, “I learned that from the Bachelor….”
Look out, world. He’s gonna be a heartbreaker.

Kristen
Kristen

Completely disagree! Carly is so off-putting. Now that we’ve seen the mean, catty side of her personality, I could never watch her as the Bachelorette. While Britt may exaggerate and overact at times, at least she never lowered herself to trashing the other girls (and I don’t think her question about whether it was Carly that was talking about her counts – I would want to know too).

But for Bachelorette this year, I vote somebody brand new!! Time to stop recycling candidates unless you have a true standout (and this season, we really don’t… I’d love to see Becca but if she’s top 2, that may put her out of the running)

Great recap as always, Lincee!

Margaret
Margaret

Carly would make a good bachelorette in that she is insecure and naive enough to actually believe that finding your soulmate on national television is a good idea. But I’m pulling for Kaitlyn. If it’s Britt, I don’t think I’ll be able to watch – I would just have to yell at the screen the whole time, “WHY DO YOU LOOK EXACTLY LIKE ANGELINA JOLIE??”

The Becca one-on-one recap was gold. But this was my favorite line:

“This may be the most logical conversation we’ve ever witnessed in the history of this show.”

S
S

I’m pulling for Kaitlyn, too. I think Jade’s nudes were the only thing that saved her. I thought he would keep Jade and send Kaitlyn home.

I could be wrong, of course, but I think Kaitlyn is more or less friend-zoned. He kept commenting that “life with her would be a lot of fun”. They never pick the one they say that about.

I think Becca is too much of a risk, having never even had a relationship with a man before at 26 years old. Whitney…the career is the question. But she may be ready to give it up and find a new role as wife and mom. She seems the most mature out of the group and I think she’s the one he’ll pick.

Emily

There has to be a hospital within an hour of Arlington… or she could be pregnant by next year’s Bachelor red carpet premiere!

Tracee
Tracee

Kaitlyn for Bachelorette……beauty, brains, body and Great Energy…..guys will love her

Kim

These lines – Priceless!

Whitney finally admits she’s kidding and then kisses him in the donation room. Gross.

Sarah

Favorite line:

Jade walks through her tiny Nebraska town, pointing out all the ways it’s better than Arlington. “There’s a car. And a person. That door opens. And this place has food.”

Can’t say I’m a big fan of Carly! I loved her up until these last two episodes but she just came off really jealous and catty towards Britt, even after she got let go. No need to kick someone once they’re already down.

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