‘The Bachelor’ recap: Bali-hai, Bali-bye

Bachelor Farmer

Farmer: Bali is the perfect place to fall in love.
Lincee: Do you think that is true?
My Mother: No.

-Pause-

Mama: Wait! That’s the setting of South Pacific!

Mama begins singing “Bali Hai.” I secretly film her. Don’t tell.

Mama: Yes. They can fall in love there.

There you have it folks. Linea Ray has officially given her permission for The Farmer to fall in love in Bali. She would prefer he do this with Becca because “Whitney will never make it on the farm.” She also thinks Our Host Chris Harrison has a good butt.

Welcome to the family Bachelor recap everyone!

KAITLYN
I’m so proud to report that “denim panties” are sweeping the nation, and are well on their way to global domination. Thank you, dear readers, for not only noticing Kaitlyn’s pink pair, but kudos for using social media to get the word out. It will be trending in no time.

Kaitlyn executes the Jillian Jump and Straddle (trademark pending) right in front of a sacred temple. The Farmer hands her a few sarongs to wrap around her bare arms and legs. (Might I suggest a wardrobe recommendation next time?) Kaitlyn notices a few women carrying wares on their head. She claims that she’s always wanted to try that, so she convinces these women using VERY LOUD broken English, to hand over their goods. They oblige.

The same thing happened to me in Rwanda when I convinced a lady to let me wear her baby on my back. I used an intricate series of hand gestures to get my point across. The first lady looked at me like I was crazy and walked off. The second smiled and waved, but kept moving. The third time was a charm.

Baby

The Farmer and Kaitlyn hit the town, walking hand-in-hand as he introduced her as “my girlfriend” to all the village people. A man with a banana cart (no, it was not the construction worker) hands The Farmer a few bananas. Almost immediately, he is attacked by a band of monkeys. These were distant relatives of Marcel, but less cool. Kaitlyn was freaked.

This entire exchange leads us to the craziest analogy in the history of The Bachelor. Kaitlyn compares herself to the monkeys because “they know what they want, and they just go get it.” She admits that she used to have a wall up, but now it’s more of a scrim, and she’s ready to take that down too. She spills her emotional guts to The Farmer, telling him that she is her best self when she’s vulnerable. He responds by sweating profusely. There is a very long pause. Instead of filling the silence with words or conversation, he makes out with her. Kaitlyn and The Farmer have a lovely dinner and the forgo card magically appears.

Two things:

1. Magical is this episode’s “amazing.”
2. Mama and I had a heated debate over how to spell the word “forgo.” I Googled it and had the answer in 3.7 seconds. Mama fetched an actual dictionary and was highly disappointed that the word didn’t appear in its contents. I told her it’s because The Bachelor wasn’t around in 1978 when her reference book was published.

Kaitlyn chooses to forgo her individual room so she can drown in a bathtub full of rose petals.

Kaitlyn: After everything we’ve been through, we deserve this.
Lincee: That rap was pretty rough.

Then all rules are broken, because, THERE ARE NO RULES. Kaitlyn tells The Farmer she is completely falling in love with him and he tells her he is falling in love with her as well. The cameras follow them right into the bedroom. They are contractually obligated to let them film the foreplay.

WHITNEY
The Farmer greets Whitney on the dock beside a boat, and her Jump and Straddle (trademark pending) is so fierce, it nearly knocks him down. They both are anxious to spend the day together crossing the Indian Ocean. After a ton of awkward silence, in which my mother wisely pointed out that “he only likes her enough to wrap one arm around her,” Whitney brings up her love/irritate relationship with her sister. Whitney’s hope is that her sister’s unwillingness to give her blessing will not hinder their relationship.

Farmer: I respect her opinion. She cares about you. It doesn’t change anything.

Whitney is super stoked that her judgey sister didn’t change her relationship with The Farmer and they will be married in a matter of months!

Spoiler: He did not say that. She was using the “Whitney Interpretation” filter when she received the information.

Using a normal, we’ve heard it a thousand times analogy, The Farmer suggests they “take the plunge.” Whitney peels off her clothes and jumps into the water with her fiance (proposal pending.) A few moments later, they sprawl out on the deck. And by sprawl, I literally mean sprawl. Thank you to my Facebook friend Bella for capturing this beautiful moment.

The Bachelor Farmer

Lincee: My kingdom for a black modesty box. PLEASE!
Mama: Her voice is a little annoying, but he can’t say anything because of his irritating laugh. They would have to cancel each other out.
Lincee: On a pro/con list?
Mama: Yes.
Lincee: Indubitably.

That night, she arrives at the forgo card date wearing a chartreuse dress. This is the same exact yellow/green color that notoriously remains unused in the Crayola box. Why anyone would want to resemble algae is confusing. Mama reminds me to “watch his left arm” and its lack of affection. The Farmer is stoic. It’s time to discuss scary issues. Instead of having an adult conversation with Whitney, The Farmer hems and haws, hinting that he has no clue if Whitney is willing to give up the fertility clinic in lieu of a counter service job at the Dairy Queen.

The Farmer: Arlington has 500 people. There’s nothing to do. So you’re going to have to drive. I typically hang out at home, mostly by myself.

Whitney stares at him with that stern squint she gets when she’s about to go into defensive mode. She and I both wait for a question, which NEVER comes.

After enough silence passes, Whitney launches in to her prepared speech about how her career is not what makes her happy. What would really make her happy is a bobby pin for that wayward piece of hair that keeps flopping in her face during her very important monolog. Another thing that would make her happy is making babies. She wants to be a mom and a wife and what better place to do that than in the Iowa corn fields?

The Farmer whips out the forgo card. Mama and I are horrified at first, thinking that this is the exact same fantasy suite as Kaitlyn. It turns out, the ABC Intern managed to secure a second suite. He was too tired to pluck a hundred roses petals, so he filled their bathtub with good old fashioned bubbles. We will know in a few months if Whitney and The Farmer used this night to start their family.

BECCA
Even though Becca chooses not to Jump and Straddle (patent pending), she did choose an interesting outfit for her Bali date. Some say it is a garbage bag romper. Others say it’s wind/Soffe/parachute shorts we all wore at cheerleader or dance camp.

Lincee: I had some of those in red and turquoise.
Mama: They are probably still in the attic if you want to dig them out.
Lincee: I’m good Mama. Thanks.

Becca and The Farmer stroll through another village in Bali. All he can think about is his pending three-for-three status. All she can think about is that she’s a virgin. Both wish they were in a cooler climate.

The Farmer takes her to another temple, where they meet the village psychic. We learn that they are a good couple, they will be good parents, she’s hard to control and the best thing they can do to secure a successful date is make love. The Farmer giggles like a pre-pubescent boy. Becca blushes like a pre-pubescent girl.

That night, they talk about life in Arlington, and what that would look like for Becca. She tells him that she would have to be sure he was the one before she moved there. She explained that she thinks that since she’s never felt what she’s feeling, it must mean that these are feelings of love. He tells her he’s falling in love with her too (NO RULES) and that he can see himself spending the rest of his life with her. (WHAT?!)

The Farmer presents her the card. She accepts, tours the room, and then drops the V-bomb. Naturally, The Farmer responds with a heavy sigh, and tries really hard not to laugh. He tells her that there’s not an easy way to respond, but that he respects her, he guesses. Becca thinks that this is a sweet response. She is so excited he is willing to wait until marriage.

Spoiler: He did not say that.

OUR HOST CHRIS HARRISON
The Farmer reflects as plinky piano music plays in the background. He worries about making a mistake. My mother reminds him that THERE ARE NO RULES and he can take them all to the next round if he wants to. I commend the ABC Intern for being on point this episode. Not only did he arrange rocks to read, “I Love U” on the beach, but he even placed perfectly angled straws in The Farmer and Our Host’s glasses of tea.

Harrison clocks in about five minutes of mentor time, slapping The Farmer on the back for having a hard decision to make. He looked fabulous in his ice blue shirt and grey pants. I’m sure he smelled of sea spray, Indonesian rupiah and adventure.

ROSE CEREMONY
Harrison meets The Farmer in front of a third temple, explaining that holding hands inside is okay, but nothing else. Both are dressed in white karate outfits with whimsical cummerbunds. The Farmer walks through the designated zigzag pathways before cutting the butter through a mum display. The ladies are dressed in pretty Indonesian outfits with an array of hair knots. Whitney’s is prim and proper. Becca’s resembles a rat’s nest. And Kaitlyn’s is sleek. None of them were prepared for this moment, as evidenced by their footwear.

The Farmer takes several big breaths. Twenty minutes later, he asks if Becca will join him outside of the temple. This did not surprise me, because when The Farmer doesn’t know what to say, he makes out with the girl. This is forbidden in the sacred temple, so obviously he wants to talk to her outside its walls. Ironically, it’s Becca who does all the talking. She practically begs him to keep her around.

Meanwhile, Whitney and Kaitlyn wonder if they can drink celebratory champagne in the temple? They are surprised when the bachelor comes back with Becca in tow. Whitney has never worked so hard to cover up her annoyance. Clearly Becca is a child with zero life experiences.

The Farmer wastes no time handing out roses to Whitney and Becca. Kaitlyn barely acknowledges them before walking over to the dude who didn’t take Becca’s flower. STRUGGLE BUS, TICKET FOR ONE PLEASE.

In the longest exit known to man, The Farmer and Kaitlyn weave in and out of the temple paths. He pulls her in for a hug, and we hear his disturbingly fast heartbeat. Kaitlyn looks in every direction but his eyes, willing herself not to cry. He comforts her by using phrases like, “I don’t understand,” (ROOSTER CROW) and “this was hard,” (ROOSTER CROW) and “sometimes things don’t make sense” (ROOSTER CROW). Wow. A literal cock block.

Kaitlyn holds it together for the most part, only looking into his eyes once. For the first time this season, The Farmer refuses to shut up. “JUST LET HER GET IN THE REJECTION SUV,” I yelled at the TV.

Kaitlyn: That was the most humiliating moment of my life.
Lincee: Join the club sweetie. Here’s an application for you to fill out for Bachelor Paradise.

Do you think he made a mistake? Do nice girls finish first? Will he choose Whitney or Becca? Sound off in the comment section, and make sure to let me know your favorite lines! Bali-hai!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

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