‘The Bachelor’ recap: Bali-hai, Bali-bye

Bachelor Farmer

Farmer: Bali is the perfect place to fall in love.
Lincee: Do you think that is true?
My Mother: No.

-Pause-

Mama: Wait! That’s the setting of South Pacific!

Mama begins singing “Bali Hai.” I secretly film her. Don’t tell.

Mama: Yes. They can fall in love there.

There you have it folks. Linea Ray has officially given her permission for The Farmer to fall in love in Bali. She would prefer he do this with Becca because “Whitney will never make it on the farm.” She also thinks Our Host Chris Harrison has a good butt.

Welcome to the family Bachelor recap everyone!

KAITLYN
I’m so proud to report that “denim panties” are sweeping the nation, and are well on their way to global domination. Thank you, dear readers, for not only noticing Kaitlyn’s pink pair, but kudos for using social media to get the word out. It will be trending in no time.

Kaitlyn executes the Jillian Jump and Straddle (trademark pending) right in front of a sacred temple. The Farmer hands her a few sarongs to wrap around her bare arms and legs. (Might I suggest a wardrobe recommendation next time?) Kaitlyn notices a few women carrying wares on their head. She claims that she’s always wanted to try that, so she convinces these women using VERY LOUD broken English, to hand over their goods. They oblige.

The same thing happened to me in Rwanda when I convinced a lady to let me wear her baby on my back. I used an intricate series of hand gestures to get my point across. The first lady looked at me like I was crazy and walked off. The second smiled and waved, but kept moving. The third time was a charm.

Baby

The Farmer and Kaitlyn hit the town, walking hand-in-hand as he introduced her as “my girlfriend” to all the village people. A man with a banana cart (no, it was not the construction worker) hands The Farmer a few bananas. Almost immediately, he is attacked by a band of monkeys. These were distant relatives of Marcel, but less cool. Kaitlyn was freaked.

This entire exchange leads us to the craziest analogy in the history of The Bachelor. Kaitlyn compares herself to the monkeys because “they know what they want, and they just go get it.” She admits that she used to have a wall up, but now it’s more of a scrim, and she’s ready to take that down too. She spills her emotional guts to The Farmer, telling him that she is her best self when she’s vulnerable. He responds by sweating profusely. There is a very long pause. Instead of filling the silence with words or conversation, he makes out with her. Kaitlyn and The Farmer have a lovely dinner and the forgo card magically appears.

Two things:

1. Magical is this episode’s “amazing.”
2. Mama and I had a heated debate over how to spell the word “forgo.” I Googled it and had the answer in 3.7 seconds. Mama fetched an actual dictionary and was highly disappointed that the word didn’t appear in its contents. I told her it’s because The Bachelor wasn’t around in 1978 when her reference book was published.

Kaitlyn chooses to forgo her individual room so she can drown in a bathtub full of rose petals.

Kaitlyn: After everything we’ve been through, we deserve this.
Lincee: That rap was pretty rough.

Then all rules are broken, because, THERE ARE NO RULES. Kaitlyn tells The Farmer she is completely falling in love with him and he tells her he is falling in love with her as well. The cameras follow them right into the bedroom. They are contractually obligated to let them film the foreplay.

WHITNEY
The Farmer greets Whitney on the dock beside a boat, and her Jump and Straddle (trademark pending) is so fierce, it nearly knocks him down. They both are anxious to spend the day together crossing the Indian Ocean. After a ton of awkward silence, in which my mother wisely pointed out that “he only likes her enough to wrap one arm around her,” Whitney brings up her love/irritate relationship with her sister. Whitney’s hope is that her sister’s unwillingness to give her blessing will not hinder their relationship.

Farmer: I respect her opinion. She cares about you. It doesn’t change anything.

Whitney is super stoked that her judgey sister didn’t change her relationship with The Farmer and they will be married in a matter of months!

Spoiler: He did not say that. She was using the “Whitney Interpretation” filter when she received the information.

Using a normal, we’ve heard it a thousand times analogy, The Farmer suggests they “take the plunge.” Whitney peels off her clothes and jumps into the water with her fiance (proposal pending.) A few moments later, they sprawl out on the deck. And by sprawl, I literally mean sprawl. Thank you to my Facebook friend Bella for capturing this beautiful moment.

The Bachelor Farmer

Lincee: My kingdom for a black modesty box. PLEASE!
Mama: Her voice is a little annoying, but he can’t say anything because of his irritating laugh. They would have to cancel each other out.
Lincee: On a pro/con list?
Mama: Yes.
Lincee: Indubitably.

That night, she arrives at the forgo card date wearing a chartreuse dress. This is the same exact yellow/green color that notoriously remains unused in the Crayola box. Why anyone would want to resemble algae is confusing. Mama reminds me to “watch his left arm” and its lack of affection. The Farmer is stoic. It’s time to discuss scary issues. Instead of having an adult conversation with Whitney, The Farmer hems and haws, hinting that he has no clue if Whitney is willing to give up the fertility clinic in lieu of a counter service job at the Dairy Queen.

The Farmer: Arlington has 500 people. There’s nothing to do. So you’re going to have to drive. I typically hang out at home, mostly by myself.

Whitney stares at him with that stern squint she gets when she’s about to go into defensive mode. She and I both wait for a question, which NEVER comes.

After enough silence passes, Whitney launches in to her prepared speech about how her career is not what makes her happy. What would really make her happy is a bobby pin for that wayward piece of hair that keeps flopping in her face during her very important monolog. Another thing that would make her happy is making babies. She wants to be a mom and a wife and what better place to do that than in the Iowa corn fields?

The Farmer whips out the forgo card. Mama and I are horrified at first, thinking that this is the exact same fantasy suite as Kaitlyn. It turns out, the ABC Intern managed to secure a second suite. He was too tired to pluck a hundred roses petals, so he filled their bathtub with good old fashioned bubbles. We will know in a few months if Whitney and The Farmer used this night to start their family.

BECCA
Even though Becca chooses not to Jump and Straddle (patent pending), she did choose an interesting outfit for her Bali date. Some say it is a garbage bag romper. Others say it’s wind/Soffe/parachute shorts we all wore at cheerleader or dance camp.

Lincee: I had some of those in red and turquoise.
Mama: They are probably still in the attic if you want to dig them out.
Lincee: I’m good Mama. Thanks.

Becca and The Farmer stroll through another village in Bali. All he can think about is his pending three-for-three status. All she can think about is that she’s a virgin. Both wish they were in a cooler climate.

The Farmer takes her to another temple, where they meet the village psychic. We learn that they are a good couple, they will be good parents, she’s hard to control and the best thing they can do to secure a successful date is make love. The Farmer giggles like a pre-pubescent boy. Becca blushes like a pre-pubescent girl.

That night, they talk about life in Arlington, and what that would look like for Becca. She tells him that she would have to be sure he was the one before she moved there. She explained that she thinks that since she’s never felt what she’s feeling, it must mean that these are feelings of love. He tells her he’s falling in love with her too (NO RULES) and that he can see himself spending the rest of his life with her. (WHAT?!)

The Farmer presents her the card. She accepts, tours the room, and then drops the V-bomb. Naturally, The Farmer responds with a heavy sigh, and tries really hard not to laugh. He tells her that there’s not an easy way to respond, but that he respects her, he guesses. Becca thinks that this is a sweet response. She is so excited he is willing to wait until marriage.

Spoiler: He did not say that.

OUR HOST CHRIS HARRISON
The Farmer reflects as plinky piano music plays in the background. He worries about making a mistake. My mother reminds him that THERE ARE NO RULES and he can take them all to the next round if he wants to. I commend the ABC Intern for being on point this episode. Not only did he arrange rocks to read, “I Love U” on the beach, but he even placed perfectly angled straws in The Farmer and Our Host’s glasses of tea.

Harrison clocks in about five minutes of mentor time, slapping The Farmer on the back for having a hard decision to make. He looked fabulous in his ice blue shirt and grey pants. I’m sure he smelled of sea spray, Indonesian rupiah and adventure.

ROSE CEREMONY
Harrison meets The Farmer in front of a third temple, explaining that holding hands inside is okay, but nothing else. Both are dressed in white karate outfits with whimsical cummerbunds. The Farmer walks through the designated zigzag pathways before cutting the butter through a mum display. The ladies are dressed in pretty Indonesian outfits with an array of hair knots. Whitney’s is prim and proper. Becca’s resembles a rat’s nest. And Kaitlyn’s is sleek. None of them were prepared for this moment, as evidenced by their footwear.

The Farmer takes several big breaths. Twenty minutes later, he asks if Becca will join him outside of the temple. This did not surprise me, because when The Farmer doesn’t know what to say, he makes out with the girl. This is forbidden in the sacred temple, so obviously he wants to talk to her outside its walls. Ironically, it’s Becca who does all the talking. She practically begs him to keep her around.

Meanwhile, Whitney and Kaitlyn wonder if they can drink celebratory champagne in the temple? They are surprised when the bachelor comes back with Becca in tow. Whitney has never worked so hard to cover up her annoyance. Clearly Becca is a child with zero life experiences.

The Farmer wastes no time handing out roses to Whitney and Becca. Kaitlyn barely acknowledges them before walking over to the dude who didn’t take Becca’s flower. STRUGGLE BUS, TICKET FOR ONE PLEASE.

In the longest exit known to man, The Farmer and Kaitlyn weave in and out of the temple paths. He pulls her in for a hug, and we hear his disturbingly fast heartbeat. Kaitlyn looks in every direction but his eyes, willing herself not to cry. He comforts her by using phrases like, “I don’t understand,” (ROOSTER CROW) and “this was hard,” (ROOSTER CROW) and “sometimes things don’t make sense” (ROOSTER CROW). Wow. A literal cock block.

Kaitlyn holds it together for the most part, only looking into his eyes once. For the first time this season, The Farmer refuses to shut up. “JUST LET HER GET IN THE REJECTION SUV,” I yelled at the TV.

Kaitlyn: That was the most humiliating moment of my life.
Lincee: Join the club sweetie. Here’s an application for you to fill out for Bachelor Paradise.

Do you think he made a mistake? Do nice girls finish first? Will he choose Whitney or Becca? Sound off in the comment section, and make sure to let me know your favorite lines! Bali-hai!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

Comments

269 Comments on "‘The Bachelor’ recap: Bali-hai, Bali-bye"

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Brad
Brad

I think that he definitely made the wrong decision. He is thinking about what he wants, not what the women want. Very typical male. (I can say that, since I am male)
Becca made it fairly clear that she does not know if she loves him – translation: she’s just not that into you, and that she is not sure if she could live in Arlington. Nothing but heartache coming if he chooses her.
Whitney claims that a life of nothing but babies and being a mom will be enough for her, But babies grow up. She says that she worked really hard to get to her happy place at her job, and that she loves her job, but she would give it all up to live in Arlington, and do nothing but sit at home, and make/raise babies. I call bullsh*t.
I do not know whether Kaitlyn could do the farmer’s wife thing, but at I think of the three, she had the best chance of being happy.
Kaitlyn is my vote for bachelorette.
Favorite line: She was using the “Whitney Interpretation” filter when she received the information.

renee
renee

To be Fair though Becca seems like a stranger on a strange planet when it comes to love, but I think she’s many more honest about both. I remember thinking about a man who I think would have been very good for me when I was young, “well how do I know what I’m supposed to feel to make such a big decision. Does everyone know with a surety?”

Sara
Sara

They’ve had 3 dates. I think it’s completely legit for her to not be in love with him yet.

Lisa
Lisa

Yes! Sane and normal! How did she even get on the show?

Lincee

Thanks for the male perspective Brad. I think Kaitlyn would be a great choice for Bachelorette too. I have no idea who is going to pick!

renee
renee

Am I the first to comment? The loser who has been checking all morning for this recap? I have a deadline and I’m waiting for the Bachelor recap. I am really into this season. I actually like Chris and his facial expressions.

Lincee, so many funny lines–the dress the color of the crayon nobody uses–the whimsical cummerbunds, but I think the literal cock block takes the cake.

I like Becca. I think he will choose Whitney though, whose hair bun did her no favors. I loved the conversation he and Becca had outside the temple–it felt real to me. I think the farmer really does want to get married. I did notice he said about Whitney’s sister: “I think when I ask her the next time (or something like that) she will approve.

Thanks, Lincee for these recaps. Can’t wait to hear what the rest of you think.

Lincee

Thanks renee! I think Becca is legitimately feeling things for him. That’s why this is so sad. Whitney wants it real bad, but she’s never been to Arlington! It’s going to be a rude awakening in the corn fields in two weeks!

jo
jo

Yes! I’ve been refreshing and waiting all morning! You are simply the best!!!

I am so torn over Becca and Whitney! I think he should choose Becca. I think he will choose Whitney. He and Becca seem like kindred spirits. I like that it’s moving slow. I think it’s normal she has reservations. Who cares that she hasn’t been in love and is a virgin. Those aren’t negatives ABC! Also, she didn’t say she wouldn’t move. She said she would have to be sure it would work out. To me that means if they were to be in a monogamous relationship and on track to get married then of course she would move to be with him.

I think he’ll choose Whitney. As alluded in the preview, he wants an insta-wife. Not that it will work out in the long run, but Whitney is giving him all kinds of affirmation and was ready yesterday. I’m not against her though. She also seems like a good person. Yay for the nice girls!

Fav line: the Jump and straddle–patent pending

ricksterb
ricksterb

I too think he should choose Becca. She seems really authentic and there for the right reasons (to coin a phrase). It also seems like she and Farmer have an honest connection and have real conversations.

I think though that he will pick Whitney. She’s the safe choice for the short-term. Give her about 30 minutes to throw her stuff into a Ryder truck and she’s headed to Iowa.

Favorite line: Rooster crow. Rooster crow. Rooster crow. A literal cock block. BAHAHAHA!!!

Tamara
Tamara

“… A literal cock block.” I literally burst into laughter!

Lincee

Thanks Jo! I was waiting all morning for you to comment. It’s a good day!

Tricia Davis
Tricia Davis

OMG! “The Jillian Jump and Straddle (trademark pending) I was laughing so hard my husband asked what was so funny…and wanted me to share. I told him there was too much! He won’t watch it with me…so he couldn’t possibly understand your humor with it. Great recap as always Lincee!!

BTW – he shouldn’t have told them he was falling in love and then send them home. RUDE!! Kaitlyn was on GMA this morning, and she said she thought she was it since he’d actually said it back to her.

jo
jo

AGREE!!!!! Although I’m sure he’ll say he didn’t say he was IN love just FALLING in love as a cop out. Totally mixed message and just an easy (haha) way to segue to the fantasy suite.

Laura
Laura

Did anyone think he sounded like a man who was really falling in love when he said it back to Kaitlyn though? He said it with no emotion, like an offhand comment and I thought it was weird. Not much like any time I’ve heard the words “I love you” for the first time in my own life, anyway…

Betsy602
Betsy602

These Fantasy Suite dates reminded me that Chris has been described as a major player in college. He’s playing the “falling in love” card with three women in one week and getting Fantasy Suite action.

Lincee

I agree Tricia Davis. He broke all the rules. I guess he’s getting by on a technicality. He didn’t say he WAS in love. He said he was falling. LAWYERED.

Laura Jean

I miss the LAWYERED comments of last Bachelorette of yore.

Vicki
Vicki

Lincee, thank you for making a hilarious recap out of a mostly dull episode. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t really see the chemistry between him and any of the ladies.

I loved the “Jillian Jump and Straddle (trademark pending)” reference. Hilarious! Seems like almost a requirement anymore.

I think Kaitlyn will be the next Bachelorette.

Melissa Gerber

I agree, mostly dull episode.

Lincee

It was a dull episode. Mama helped spice it up a bit. Thanks Vicki!

Burberrymom
Burberrymom

Loved the rooster crowing! Best part of the whole night
is the blooper reel at the end with the monkeys! The giggle has almost chased me off and the huge gulp of wine and pause that Whit did when he said the closest city was 2 hours about made her freak! The awkward silence, breathing sounds etc when she played the V-Card had me behind a pillow!!! Great recap as usual! The best part of watching the show!!!!

Lincee

Thanks Burberrymom!

Jenn Langenberg

The Anderson Cooper giggle was in full force! You know he’s having an actual real happy moment when you hear that! Can you imagine what his babies would sound like with Whitney? Her voice-his laugh? OMG!

Did you notice the wink he gave each of the ladies when they got the overnight card? Creepy!

I love your Blogs!

Lincee

Jenn Langenberg–Anderson Cooper giggle! YES!!

Laurie
Laurie

well done! my favorite line: “They are contractually obligated to let them film the foreplay.”

Lisa
Lisa

Ditto!

Margaret
Margaret

Kaitlyn for Bachelorette! I don’t think I could watch it for anyone else.

Favorite line: “What would really make her happy is a bobby pin for that wayward piece of hair that keeps flopping in her face during her very important monolog.”

Lincee

Margaret: that piece of hair was annoying me more than her! Thanks for the comment!

Tanya T.
Tanya T.

Put me down for that line as well…hysterical!!

Jennifer G.
Jennifer G.

A few things…..

1. Your Chris Harrison smells crack me up every single time.

2. Whitney’s accent confuses me: it’s Illinois/Southern?

3. I think I would have a MAJOR problem if the crew decided to set up a camera at pointing up from my feet WHILE IN A BIKINI. No sir.

Thanks for the hilarious recap!

Tara
Tara

Whitney lives in IL now but I think she’s from TN, which explains the southern accent. NOTHING, however, explains that whiny baby voice. Ugh.

Quilting Hottie

Oh this smell combo was your best one yet. And I can’t even pronounce the middle one.

Lincee

Jennifer G.

It makes my heart happy that you like my description on how Harrison smells. Thank you!

Tina
Tina

Whitney’s voice makes those little hairs on the back of my neck stand up! YOU ARE HILARIOUS! NO ONE can live on the farm!!!!!!

Favorite line: He looked fabulous in his ice blue shirt and grey pants. I’m sure he smelled of sea spray, Indonesian rupiah and adventure….classic!

Lincee

Yes! Two in a row! Thank you Tina!

jL
jL

I was glad he kept Becca because in my heart, I want her to be the one. But it seems like they may be in different life stages. Although, remember when she went to Arlington with the other girls, she made a comment while they were walking around about “making babies here” and that stood out to me. I agree that her conversation with Chris outside the temple seemed the most honest and real. I think the clip from the trailer for the finale where his dad says that “Whitney is a sure thing but Becca is the one he wants” sounds pretty accurate.

The thing that makes me nervous about Whitney is that she is so sure that giving up her career, moving to Arlington, and being a wife and a mom will complete her. But what if it doesn’t? It just seems like there is not much of a fall-back/escape plan once you commit to Arlington. I mean, the only thing that gets me through being a mom sometimes is being able to escape to Target for 45 minutes to just walk around aimlessly. I don’t know how what I would do if I had to drive 2 HOURS to walk around Target for 45 minutes. It’s just something to think about.

I thought Kaitlyn was a sure thing after their date, though and I really thought he was going to tell OHCH that since THERE ARE NO RULES he was taking them all home to meet his family.

Anyway – thank you, once again, Lincee for a great recap!

Favorite Line: He comforts her by using phrases like, “I don’t understand,” (ROOSTER CROW) and “this was hard,” (ROOSTER CROW) and “sometimes things don’t make sense” (ROOSTER CROW). Wow. A literal cock block.

Lincee

jL: cock block was too easy. I couldn’t pass it up. I’m glad you agree!

Susan M
Susan M

I agree, Kaitlyn for Bachelorette! She would be honest and upfront. Great recap. I don’t have much to add, except:
How did the farmer find his wife? He tractor down!

Irishwind
Irishwind

BOOOOOOOOOOO!

KBA
KBA

You owe me an iPad! I spit my water out at your last line!

Susan M.
Susan M.

Sorry, KBA, it just seemed appropriate!

Lincee

I can tell we would be fast friends Susan M. You speak my language!

jL
jL

Also, part of me feels like Becca could be this seasons’ Brooks. And Chris could end up with Whitney and live happily ever after just like Des and her Chris did.

Rolo Tomasi
Rolo Tomasi

As a married guy I fear for Chris as he faces the rest of his life with the Whitney Angry Face. During this 8 week scripted journey it only surfaces at rose ceremonies and during taped dramatic discussions but in the non-journey real world that face is going to be coming out all the time. The horror. The horror.

I think Chris threw away the 2 best romantic options left over the last 2 weeks in order to keep a 25 year old who has never had a boyfriend and doesn’t seem interested in living in his hometown, and a woman who has memorized the Bachelor How To playbook and uses the answers in each of her responses – not to mention the specter of the Angry Face and the endless making babies mentions.

Godspeed to your soon to be lost sanity, Chris.

Betsy602
Betsy602

I completely agree Whitney is in it for the win. She’s playing the game beautifully. But, she comes across as playing a game and not a bit sincere.

Margaret
Margaret

Totally agree! My husband pointed out that Whitney is the classic “bait and switch” girl. And I think he’s spot on. She seems like all fun and games (“oh look at me, I can be spontaneous! I just go with the flow!”). But her tidy Chicago condo and her tiny dog scream high maintenance.

Sheesh
Sheesh

Exactly!

Her response to Chris’ best friends questions were way too pat. Whitney knows how to play the part.

Too bad she couldn’t resist smirking as Kaitlin was leaving. I agree, her face is an open, angry and not very nice book.

Brandy
Brandy

I agree with this too. I thought Whitney was a sweet girl up until Chris walked back in to the rose ceremony with Becca. Whitney claiming that Becca is “young”, etc. showed some of her true colors. Besides, Whitney is 29. Becca is 26. Becca is not too “young”, she’s only 3 years younger than Whitney and that is no big deal. It’s not like Becca is 21 years old (like Mackenzie aka “the fetus” – now that is young). I thought Whitney came across as kind of catty with those comments about Becca.

Lincee

You have a lot of people agreeing with you Rolo Tomasi. You may have hit the nail on the head. Whitney has definitely memorized The Bachelor playbook. Good call my friend.

I miss Melrose.

Kacy
Kacy

We ALL miss Melrose. 🙁

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