‘The Bachelor’ recap: You gotta rub me the right way

Bachelor Farmer Recap

Each season of The Bachelor, we sit in front of our television expecting those moments that make us either want to dive into the depths of our couch cushions or silently shake our head in imperious contempt at the state of the current gene pool in America. My point is simple. It’s not hard to predict, due to the premise of this show, that at least a handful of those vying for the love and affection of our bachelor will undoubtedly be two cans short of a six pack.

That reality comes in many packages. For some, it’s the ditzy blonde. For others, it’s the overachiever who who can’t seem to keep her passion in check. You’ve got the girl who always wears her two favorite colors: short and tight. And then there’s the one you think is completely normal until she becomes paranoid that other people are stealing her boyfriend and she ends up asking the ABC Intern to help gather the materials needed for her famous bunny stew.

I’ve been watching this show for more than a decade. I typically know or can give an educated guess as to what is probably going to happen. With that said, my nerves were not prepared for the fusillade of emotions, attacking me for two hours during this episode. One minute I’m appalled. Another I’m rolling my eyes. Suddenly, I’m borderline depressed which is quickly followed by genuine concern. Does chaffing occur when riding a tractor in bikini bottoms? Why am I silently urging the producers to give Jordan more alcohol. LET’S SEE WHAT ELSE SHE’LL DO! Someone give Tara a hug and tell her that green dress is gorgeous and she’s going to be okay. Does The Farmer know how to kiss? How can the answer be both “I think so” and “meh?” WHY CAN’T I LAND THIS PLANE?

Clearly Melrose the Onion isn’t the only one all over the map. I’ve never been more confused, horrified, disgusted, on the verge of tears and entertained in such a short amount of time. It was glorious and I loved every minute of it.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the twerking instructor who is obsessed with the fictional life of Jamie and Claire Fraser like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

The night begins unconventionally as a rejected Kimberly sneaks back into the first rose ceremony celebration, begging The Farmer to give her another shot. Since it was dawn-thirty in the morning and his brain ceased from properly functioning hours before, he agreed. This audible is completely fair because THERE ARE NO RULES THIS SEASON. Kaitlyn thinks The Farmer is ballsy for bringing Kimberly back into the fold. The others didn’t really have an opinion because standing is hard.

The Bachelor Farmer recap

The next morning, a casual Harrison invites the ladies into the sunken living room. He smells of musk and gallantry. As the camera pans the room, I conclude that hot pink lipstick is this season’s statement necklace and long flowing scarf. Harrison calls the ladies to attention, announces that The Farmer is just up yonder hill showering outdoors and lathering up his pecs for all of the world to see. Somewhere in a Crossfit gym, Cody Code fist bumps himself. Also THERE ARE NO RULES so feel free to hover, stalk or snoop wherever the urge may lead. Our Host pulls the date card from his back pocket (lucky card) and drops it on the table. A gaggle of girls in brightly colored hoodies squeal with glee.

FIRST GROUP DATE
“Show Me Your Country”
Jade
Tandra
Ashley I-Lashes
Mackenzie
Kimberly
Tara

The girls chatter at the enigma surrounding The Farmer’s cryptic message, but one thing is for sure. Mackenzie will be wearing the Guess overalls she found in my Mama’s attic because nothing says country like acid washed jorts. The others pilfer through Tara’s suitcase full of denim panties, throw on a pair of cowboy boots and head on over for a good old fashioned pool party.

The first activity on the agenda is playing chicken in the shallow end. I’m always in awe of that one girl who chooses to nestle her crotch up against the back of our bachelor’s neck. The squeeze that naturally happens when trying to paw and defeat a scantily clad opponent makes for a very intimate moment.  Especially when you’ve known him for five minutes. Granted, it’s not your average magic lamp belly button rub, but it’s certainly close.

The first WTH moment of the night comes when Jillian and Megan sneak over to the bachelor’s house because THERE ARE NO RULES. I found myself wishing there were a few rules. Wearing a bathing suit that covers your entire butt would be high on my list, but that’s just prudish me. ABC was gracious enough to provide a black modesty box over Jillian’s notoriously tight, visible cheeks as she and Megan traipsed up the driveway to their neighbor’s casa. Once inside, Megan puts on The Farmer’s motorcycle helmet and blatantly rams her head into anything unmoving and solid. You’d think this would be the most disturbing part of the escapade, but oh dear reader, it was not.

That award goes to the gracious black modesty box covering Jillian’s hoo-hoo. At first I thought it was a mistake. Jillian must have turned and the ABC graphics department was just lazy with the gracious black modesty box, wisely assuming that she was about to turn around again. Sadly, the front box made several more appearances. There are only three scenarios I can fathom that would require a black modesty box covering Jillian’s snatch:

1. Her bikini bottoms are transparent all the way around.
2. She is wearing a reverse thong.
3. Pubes. (You know your brain went there.)

I become mortified that I’m actually using brain cells to figure out Jillian’s undercarriage situation. Thankfully, the scene switches to the group date girls strolling down an LA street in their bikinis. Because a tractor race in stringy swimwear just makes sense.

Let the record show that we are roughly 30 minutes into the program at this point. Heaven help us all.

The girls run down the street, excited to both pick their tractors and their wedgies. Several thoughts run through my mind as they hoist their business onto the leather seats. Is this hygienic? Can you catch a disease from this endeavor? Could they not have at least worn their denim panties as an extra layer of protection? Aren’t bouncing boobs enough?

I wasn’t the only one who was concerned.

At this point point, ABC tips its straw hat in my direction by spoofing Footloose. Layering a loose audio version of Bonnie Tyler’s “Holding Out for a Hero” was genius. Producers listening to the lawyers recommendation that the tractors reach maximum speeds of eight-miles per hour was not.

Thirty minutes and 100 yards later, Ashley I-Lashes crosses the finish line first. She must have been drafting the tractor in front of her to reach normal person walking speed. She celebrates her win by sitting on The Farmer’s lap in her bikini as he sits on the tractor. Her eyes gleam with a “come hither” glint. He totally misses it because of the mega-falsies. I wonder how many Muppets had to die to make those?

Back at the mansion, Juelia the esthetician shares that she has a daughter. Becca asks what happened to the father and Juelia reveals that he committed suicide. It was sad. We both begin to cry and not one person hugs Juelia. Heartless freaks. She recovers with as much grace as possible and promises to help Jillian with her lady landscaping issues after dinner.

Speaking of dinner, The Farmer scoots over to the hay bales in the parking lot where the girls are smiling through the pain of straw pieces poking their naughty bits. He invites Mackenzie to dinner and sends the other ones home. Jade is convinced he’s only doing this because he wants everyone to feel good about themselves.

That’s sort of right, but The Farmer also seems to genuinely like the fetus. Even after Mackenzie tells him that she has a kid, really digs guys who have huge noses like him, calls him out for once having an ear piercing and she totally believes in aliens, he gives her the rose. Red flags be damned! They end the night dancing in the restaurant and making out. Sadly, Mackenzie has no idea that the last thing she should do is brag about her date in front of all the other women.

Hey Mack!

The heavy weight you feel is a target on your back. Have fun with that and never wear your overjortalls again.

Your Mentor, Lincee

One-On-One Date
Megan
Love is a Natural Wonder

Megan receives the one-on-one date card and thought it was just that — a sweet note from The Farmer. Remember, she’s Jillian’s accomplice who kept whacking her helmet-protected head into brick walls. I’d also like to remind everyone what I wrote about Megan last week:

Megan
24
Make-Up Artist
Nashville
Why you remember her:
Megan had a dazed look in her eyes that landed somewhere between Sorority Row Jordan and Last Call Tara. She admits that she doesn’t get Kaitlyn’s Tupperware joke because “something’s not clicking up there.” Does anyone else like her as much as I do?
Status: Rose

The Farmer flies Megan on a private plane to Vegas. One of his hands is on her upper thigh and the other is holding her hand. More times than not, Megan presses said hand to her ample bosom, excited by what’s in store for their date. They move from the airplane to a helicopter that flies them over the Grand Canyon. Once again, I realize there is a flummoxed expression on my face. I try and sort out the two competing thoughts.

1. Note to self: Google search Grand Canyon and figure out when it moved from Arizona to Nevada.
2. Why is Megan sitting in The Farmer’s lap in the helicopter when there are two perfectly good seats next to him?

The Farmer chooses a gorgeous setting for a picnic and Megan feels this is the perfect time to tell him that her father had a heart attack and recently died.

Has there ever been this much death on one reality show?

The Farmer is attracted to her strong, giant heart and rewards her vulnerability with the rose and a kiss or four. She responds with several Taylor Swift, “Whhhaaaaa???” faces.

Tha Bachelor Farmer recap

SECOND GRUOP DATE
“‘Til Death Do Us Part”
Kelsy
Trina
Alissa
Tracy
Jillian
Becca
Amber
Melrose the Onion
Juelia
Kaitlyn
Britt

The limo takes the girls to a cemetery. I shouted “GHOSTS IN THE GRAVEYARD!” at the television, but that didn’t happen. Instead, 20+ zombies attack the car and all the girls freak the hell out. The Farmer pops his head in, laughing hysterically at the commotion. Amber takes a shot of brown liquor before following the others out of the limo.

The game is simple. Take a paint ball gun and shoot the zombies in the head. Once you find a beacon of light, the game is over. One of the voices Melrose heard in her head was, “Shoot people.” Several of the girls try to explain that she is supposed to shoot zombies, not her teammates. She gives a blank stare, salutes Mesa Verde and heads out into battle. Everyone is scared of her, as everyone should be. Let the games begin.

There was a lot of screaming, and general “shoot what moves in the shadows” mentality that got pretty old pretty quickly. Melrose waltzes up to a herd of zombies and instead if firing in their cranial region, she joins them as if it on the set of a “Thriller” video. When she does come across a lone zombie, she shoots them in the head, four times in various other body parts for good measure and gives them a stern talking to about the importance of remaining dead. Whack-a-do.

It would appear that this season’s crop of potential farm wives are not only 5150, but also take to the sauce when the going gets rough. Jordan’s motto is: If you can’t be on the date, at least you can be drunk. Her assigned camera man films her upside down twerking against a wall before she announces to the world that Jillian has a hairy butt. The last thing she wants to do is embarrass Jillian, but it’s definitely on her list. You can always count on a trashed people to share sober thoughts.

Switching from drunk back to Crazy Town, Melrose becomes the center of attention. Mainly because she stirs up insightful conversation by enforcing the statement, “That’s how I feel. Boom.” Of course, she never shares any descriptive words that explain how she feels other than the “boom” but her audience gets the point. Home girl must be overtired from mixing her little white pills with tequila.

Kaitlyn thinks Melrose would eat a rose if she was lucky enough to get one. She also pours on the cool girl charm and uses her Canadian accent to get The Farmer oot and aboot from the others so they can smooch it up.

Later, Melrose scores some alone time with The Farmer. She tells him not to worry and in the same breath, asks if he wants to play hide-and-seek. She quickly changes her mind and asks him to go exploring when the subject of Mesa Verde and the question, “Are we in a dome?” compete for center attention. The Farmer suppresses a smile.

Mel: I’m not going to be fake with you. Yeah? Huh?
Farmer: I don’t know what you’re asking me, but I can tell there’s a lot on your mind.
Mel: You don’t want to lose the whole world. You don’t want to lose your soul.
Farmer: That’s a fact.

This girl is either legitimately crazy, or she’s acting legitimately crazy. Both scenarios annoy me. If she truly is sick, then she shouldn’t be on national television crawling on the ground trying to get the attention of a cat. The fact that the ABC Psychotherapist hasn’t swooped in to whisk her away makes me think that this is all a ruse. I miss Drunk Girl Jordan.

The Farmer doesn’t seem to mind the dodgy behavior. He keeps finding reasons to pull girls away and snog them in zombie headquarters. Britt is the next one up. She assures him that she is completely into this (at least until hometowns before she decides to leave on noble terms and come back as the next bachelorette) and is in no way stressed about the situation. He gives her a note that reads, “Free kiss from Chris.”

Had it been me, I would have marched directly up to Chris Harrison and redeemed my coupon, but I forget that The Farmer’s name is Chris too. See what he did there? She gives free hugs. He gives free kisses. After pecking all the other girls, The Farmer goes for it with Britt. She feels pretty confident that the date rose is hers and is floored when he wipes the hot pink lipstick from his mouth, grabs the rose and hands it to Kaitlyn.

Rose Ceremony
The Farmer strides in wearing pants that are too short. Whitney pulls him away to toast our bachelor with his favorite whiskey in her best baby voice. Ashley I-Lashes tells Mackenzie that she’s a virgin and Mackenzie, who has not yet learned how to use her internal filter, tells her eye-feathered friend that she is sooooo lucky because guys like to take virginities. The Farmer is going to find this uber attractive.

This gives Ashley I-Lashes just enough courage to show The Farmer a whole new world. She whips out her magic lamp bellybutton bling, gives him three wishes and forces him to rub the charm so she can grant the first one right then and there. He wants a magic carpet ride? She’ll give him a magic carpet ride. The makeout session turns aggressive as Ashley I-Lashes’ unhinges her jaw to swallow his face. She pulls him down on the rattan patio furniture for 50 shades of dry humping. Please note that no gracious black modest boxes were used in the filming of this tryst.

If that weren’t enough, Jordan chose to avoid her inevitable hangover by staying drunk. She tells the camera that she is infatuated with The Farmer and wonders why their lips haven’t kissed yet? Someone whispers in Jordan’s ear that she should go talk to The Farmer. That someone is named Vodka. She interrupts The Farmer’s time with Juelia with this important announcement: Letsmakeoutmmmkay?

The Farmer smiles and helps her to the top of the bleachers for the closing ceremony. Along with Kaitlyn, Mackenzie and ballet bun Megan, roses go to:

Future Bachelorette Britt
Ashley I-Lashes
Sometimes Needs a Comb Trina
Kelsey from Austin
Blue-Eyed Samantha
Esthetician Juelia

Unfortunately, Jillian hears her own name, waltzes up to our bachelor and trips on the carpet mid-journey, flashing her gracious black modesty patch to everyone in the room. Lord, please let this girl catch a break! She laughs her way back to the lineup as Juelia accepts her rose.

Take a Shot Amber
Tracy the Teacher
Jillian (stepping carefully)
Wait, Who Is She Jade
Lyla Garrity (THREES!)
Becca the Normal
Karaoke Carly
Baby Voice Whitney
Melrose the Onion

My hope is that Melrose is indeed Courtney Thorne-Smith’s niece who is contractually obligated to act like a loon and isn’t actually certifiable. I was more upset that Drunk Jordan and her buddy Tara were sent home packing. Don’t worry Tara. You look gorgeous in your emerald green dress. You’ll be someone’s number one in no time.

Alissa, Tandra and Kimberly also got the axe. Too bad they’re going to miss Jimmy Kimmel’s shenanigans next week. Here’s hoping someone else takes the drunk reigns so we can be thoroughly entertained.

What did you think about the episode? Is The Farmer really into Mackenzie? Did Ashley I-Lashes’ bellybutton ring make you throw up a little bit in your mouth, or are bellybuttons just creepy to me? Do you think Melrose is faking it for ratings? Have you ever sat around in your bikini and had a conversation? Or does that thought mortify you? Sound off in the comments section!

I’m all about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

Comments

209 Comments on "‘The Bachelor’ recap: You gotta rub me the right way"

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Kelli
Kelli

The most annoying thing about last night for me was Mackenzie saying “like” every other word. When did people become unable to speak intelligibly? And when did young women lose all self-esteem? I spent a lot of time with a confused look on my face and my hands over my eyes. Even though there were modesty boxes. You cannot unsee all the bad kissing.

Melissa
Melissa

Mackenzie bugged me last night. The way she was so childish before she finally spit out “I’ve got a kid.” Ouch. Not “I have a child” or “I’m a mom” or “I have a wonderful little boy.” Just, “I’ve got a kid.” Hmmm . . .
Then talking about being jealous that someone is a virgin because guys love to take your virginity . . . Followed by some comment about how she’s got a kid so she’s as far from a virgin as you can get, so jealous. Both of them just rubbed me the wrong way coming from a mother.

Tim
Tim

Man, just disappointed and horrified at this season. I had high hopes of a bunch of Midwestern down to earth girls for Chris and some hard decisions because of the high quality girls he would have to choose from. But as per Bachelor rules, a bunch of drama and horrible choices. Great for viewers, bad for Chris.

As a father of two girls I hope my girls never stoop to going on a show like this. I hope that I instill a better self worth that will attract quality guys, and make them value to right things in those guys. Was ashamed of the girls being paraded down the street in the bikinis to the tractor turtle races. Any true country girl would have kicked every one of those girls asses for submitting to that humiliation.

But then again… maybe it isn’t a humiliation for them. Maybe this is just how they are.

For me, him kissing everyone from the get go really cheapened him in my eyes. Yes, once you like someone and are making harder choices of who to keep then kiss them and see if there are more sparks. At this rate the Fantasy Suite section of the show will come with 15 girls left!!

From the beginning, I really was impressed with Kelsey. A few others I liked, several are already gone. But from night one, Kelsey would have been my number one choice. All I know is thank God I ran into my wife when I did (at 19) and was smart enough to marry her at 22. The thought of going back to dating is not a pleasant one to me. Much happier to be headed toward 26 years of wedded (mostly) bliss with her in June!!

My final say here is Chris is too nice for the show. Any pity story is going to earn an extra week or two on the show. I cannot imagine how bad a one on one date would have to be to have the girl NOT get a rose.

And while I think Kelsey is the perfect girl out of the group, not sure any of them are set up for farm life. I grew up on a farm, dated girls from farming communities, had many nice encounters with girls from Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas and Colorado on wheat harvest, and none of them were anything like these girls. I like real girls who are not afraid to get dirty and work, and suspect what Chris needs is someone like that. Not this batch of made for TV drama in heels.

Tim
Tim

My bad. No such thing as a short quip from me!

Lee Ann
Lee Ann

THREES! I wish. *sigh*

terri
terri

What does that mean?

Shopgirl
Shopgirl

I’m with Terri. What does that mean???

Alison
Alison

I feel like Melrose the Onion could easily sub for Cecily Strong on SNL Weekend Update’s “Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party”

Quiting Hottie

BINGO!

Sk8gal

absolutely!

Amy
Amy

You are so right!!!

Colorado Kathleen
Colorado Kathleen

That has to be one of my favorite SNL skits!

Sk8gal

Love her! Love SNL–check out “Boy Dance Party” if you haven’t seen it yet. Bruce Willis rocks…

Katherine
Katherine

I had to pause to go watch that video. HILARIOUS!!! Love how they are bad dancers. Thanks for sharing!

Katie
Katie

YES.

marymary
marymary

Wow, what a night! Who could have imagined that drunk Jordan would make drunk Tara look like an example of modesty and discretion? The scenes with Jordan should be required viewing for every girl going off to college.

I really liked the zombie killing date – it seems like it would be fun.

I don’t think Chris could have given Britt the rose again, so he had to give it to Kaitlin (since we never saw him hanging out with anybody but Melrose). He did reward Britt with the first rose at the rose ceremony!

Ashley I (aka Princess Jasmine) is interesting – is she going to be the one to sneak into the tent on the camping trip?

I think Chris is going to send Mackenzie home very soon; he just couldn’t do it that night since she had just told him about her son. I did get annoyed with him keeping Melrose – even though he didn’t see what we saw on TV, he got enough of her weirdness to know that she is crazy, or acting.

Thanks for the great recap, Lincee!

Jo
Jo

I just love you! SOOOO funny. I have been looking forward to this recap since the first five minutes of the show last night. Did not disappoint!

Favorites:
Ashley I-lashes
Assessment of Jillian’s black box (I was doing the same)
The fetus and all her shenanigans (the same overalls I had from 1992–she is way too young and needs to go be with her baby)

April
April

My overjortalls made me feel a little bit country….but my GINORMOUS hair made me feel a little bit rock-n-roll….ahh…how I miss big hair!

Bridget
Bridget

Somebody please tell Mackenzie to not say “I have a kid”, it’s so trashy and should be immediately followed up with “and a trailer”. You have a son, or a little boy. Thank you. And if what’s her face is a virgin, then so am I, and I’ve given birth 3 times. What a load of crap.

Joyce
Joyce

I agree, If she is 26 and really wanted to wait for the “right one” there wouldn’t be any belly ring shenanigans!

Janis
Janis

Yep. A kid is a baby goat. You have a child.

NYGal
NYGal

I didn’t believe her either. I think that’s her gimmick.

Jenna
Jenna

True. I just wish she had gotten her adult filter before she began to raise a human being.

Laura
Laura

Well she really is a fetus. Everything Mackenzie says and the way she says it indicates that she has never dated anyone near the Farmer’s age or his maturity level. She was terrified to tell him about her child! A mature adult would be proud of their child, but of course if her usual dates are her own age, they would be scared off. She needs to be sent home ASAP.

Due to the hints about there being a virgin in the fantasy suite episode, I’m annoyed that Princess Jasmine must make it till the end. I just CANNOT deal with her, she’s the worst.

Brooke
Brooke

Thank you!!!! that was so crappy for her to say I have a kid! Terrible!

Melissa
Melissa

Yes, yes, yes!

I just made these exact comments above.

Libby Gordon
Libby Gordon

Great comment , I totally agree and I just spit out my coffee! When she said that, I immediately wondered if she gave her baby boy sweet tea or coke in a baby bottle. Please, please get that sweet girl off of that show and home to her mamma and baby.

melissa
melissa

i’m pretty sure she’s an “everything but” virgin. i wouldn’t be surprised if she’s the one who sneaks into the tent.

jL
jL

So this recap was 100% more interesting than the actual episode last night. I am just no that into Farmer Chris, I guess. I ended up watching Sean and Catherine YouTube videos in the middle of the group dates b/c they were more entertaining.

Thank you, producers for Melrose! I said the same thing – I think she may actually need medicine – but I also say #keepthecrazy and I’m glad they did.

My wish for Ashley I-Lashes Kardashian is that she would not give her genie to Prince Farming. He is so not worth it.

I will miss Tara and am crushed that we never got to figure out what her tattoo said.

Thank you Lincee, for this recap! It made last night worth it.

Julie
Julie

JL – I was so sad about Tara, too – and said the same thing about her tattoo! Maybe on The Women Tell All, if we can get enough of a buzz going about it 😉

Shopgirl
Shopgirl

I think the genie’s already left the bottle.

Lou Anne
Lou Anne

You nailed it. That episode was hilarious and so hard to watch at the same time. My favorite parts:

“The others didn’t really have an opinion because standing is hard.”

“Somewhere in a Crossfit gym, Cody Code fist bumps himself.”

“Granted, it’s not your average magic lamp bellybutton rub, but it’s certainly close.”

“You’d think this would be the most disturbing part of the escapade, but oh dear reader, it was not.”

“I become mortified that I’m actually using brain cells to figure out Jillian’s undercarriage situation.”

The Seinfeld reference.

Ashley I-Lashes.

Okay, I’m going to stop b/c I have too many. Clearly I laughed through this whole recap. 🙂

I don’t get the fetus. She is bafflingly immature, and I have no idea why the Farmer kept her. It was like she had a list of potential conversation topics (his previous earring, his big nose (that is not even big), aliens) and she just shot them all out one after the other. She also has no filter as you pointed out. Which probably means she is getting a producer rose? One can only hope.

I like Britt and Kaitlyn. Melrose is SURELY acting. Surely.

Surely.

melissa
melissa

I think melrose is on some sort of serious psychiatric meds that don’t mix w alcohol. because she seems normal when sober & then is straight up hallucinating after a few. she should go home stat, this sort of stress can’t be good for her.

Irishwind
Irishwind

I figured out Melrose. She is Gary Busey’s illegitimate daughter. They both have blonde hair, batshit crazy eyes, a weird toothy smile, and live in a separate reality from most of the world. Also, I noticed they didn’t focus on Farmer’s face when he called her name. She has to be an ABC plant to keep ratings up.

Ashlie I-lashes might still be a virgin, and not have had a boyfriend. I would put good money she is Muslim, and her parents had a tight leash on her growing up. And now she is rebelling by being on national TV, dressing provocatively, drinking like a fish, chasing a guy, and acting rather embarrassing for even western standards.

And did Whitney get the whiskey from the houses very well stocked bar, or pay the intern to run to the store an get a bottle?

Brooke
Brooke

BAHAHA!!!

Zai
Zai

Yikes. The first part of your comment had me laughing out loud, but the second part? Speaking as a Muslim from the Bible Belt with both party-girl friends and very conservative Christian friends, I can say that rebellious daughters from religious families is a theme common to all faiths. Muslim families in America aren’t that repressive unless they’re super fundamentalist, but fundies from any religion tend to have a tight leash on their kids.

That said, Ashley I-Lashes is a gorgeous girl who needs to lay off the falsies and embarrassing behavior! And Mackenzie is worse than most of the freshmen. All I can think is “Bless her heart.” Great recap as usual, Lincee!

StephS
StephS

I’m not sure that relating Melrose to Gary Busey is fair to him…he had a traumatic brain injury. However, I certainly can see the resemblance. (I’m really hoping she is faking and/or looking for attention, because she seems as psychotic as some patients I’ve had to hospitalize…ABC Psychotherapist, where are you??)

Brooke
Brooke

It has been awhile since I reminded back through an episode as many times as I did last night. I think I spent the evening screaming “DID YOU SEE/HEAR THAT??” and going back 30 seconds since I was starting to think I was crazy.
Seriously the “there are no rules is opening the pandoras box of craziness and there are no words for the frontal modesty box…btw the Muppets eyelash comment – dying laughing.
This season is a whole ton of crazy and drunk girls like I have never seen mixed with normal – Whitney, Kelsey and a few others? My theory on Jade is that she is a dark horse….he seems intrigued by her and I think she is going to show up later. Mackenzie cringe worthy everytime she opens her mouth..
While after watching for this show for over a decade (goodness help me right?) I get the keep around some spice/fluff to easily get rid of later in the season Ashley S boggles my mind. Can we all agree though that Britt had the quote of the night with “…girls like say the edited the show to make them look crazy…well let me just tell you, she is that crazy”

Paula K
Paula K

Thank you for the recap. I have to agree with jL that your recap is better than the episode. As I said before Lincee, a whole new level of cray cray this season, on all fronts.
Oh! I have been trying to figure out who Mackenzie reminds me of. It just came to me and Googled too to be sure. Her facial features remind me of a very young Rumor Willis from Strip Tease.

Cindy S.
Cindy S.

The fetus reminds me of Debra Winger in Officer and a Gentleman.

lm3js
lm3js

She reminds me of Rebecca Shaeffer. I don’t know if you all remember her (sad story she was killed by stalker and after that the laws changed). She was on that tv show “My Sister Sam”. When I first Mackenzie on the premiere, that is who I thought she looked like.

Lin Kay
Lin Kay

I agree! She definitely does!

StephS
StephS

She reminds me of Natalie Portman’s character in “Where the Heart is.” Please tell me she didn’t have her baby in the parking lot of a Walmart!!

Jenna

It really bothered me that they made the girls parade through downtown L.A. in their bikinis and ride on the tractors like that. I’ve been watching The Bachelor for such a long time, and I KNOW it’s gross, and supposed to be sexy, and hot-tubby, and all that, but it just really sat wrong with me.

I couldn’t help think that there’s a big difference between the ladies strutting their stuff at a pool party, and walking the streets in nothing but string bikinis, while Chris got to wear long board shorts and a zipped-up hoodie.

To me, it just sends such an awful message: It’s perfect fine to strip these ladies down to next to nothing, and have them walk the streets because they are nothing more than just bodies “up for grabs,” but it’s not fine for Chris, who gets to cover up completely.

I’ve laughed at this show so much, and cringed so much at all the shenanigans, and worried about some of the contestants (hello, Melrose, I’m looking at you), but for some reason, this really, really bothered me. Not only is it a double standard, but I couldn’t help thinking that if I had been a contestant, I would have been beyond mortified to be asked to walk down the street in my bikini, even if I had the body to pull it off. I know, I know, they mortify themselves on national television in every other respect, because that’s the SHOW, but…did they even get a choice? Or did every last one of them relish the thought of walking through L.A. “in naught but their skin?”

Am I the only one who was bothered by that?

Brooke
Brooke

I felt the exact same way about the bikini stroll. While new level of skanky. It totally sat wrong with me.

Liz
Liz

Agreed. Gross of the producers to require that.

Amanda
Amanda

Jenna! I agree, whole heartedly! This really bothered me as well. I kept thinking, “If I was on this show, would they FORCE me to do this?” I am the kind of girl who puts on my cover up as soon as I get out of the pool, unless I am taking in some sun. I would have been absolutely mortified to strut down the street in my swimsuit.

I would hope that the girls were given an option. There are many reasons that I would NEVER go on this show, but that scene alone just became my #1 reason. Gross.

Cindy
Cindy

But let’s be honest, most of these girls are trying to catch the eye of someone in Hollywood, so that stunt might not seem too weird.

Summer
Summer

Yes!!!!

Kristin
Kristin

It really bothered me too, especially when they made sure to include all the honks from the pick up trucks driving by. It’s street harassment, sponsored by the Bachelor producers.

Kim
Kim

Me, too! I was appalled that this happened! Totally ridiculous on so many levels. Should never have happened.

Ann
Ann

Amen, Jenna. That tractor “race”/group date was the dumbest, least imaginative thing they’ve ever come up with on the series. Why would anyone want to watch people “race” tractors at 3 mph on blocked off, city streets? Then, what fun to have a “party” sitting on hay bales decked with fake sunflowers in the middle of a big island of asphalt. It was beyond ridiculous. I assume the producers have forgotten that their primary audience is women – guys who might have been interested in seeing girls in bikinis on tractors were watching the national championship game. I was SO happy I had let the show get about 30 minutes ahead of me so that I could fast-forward it.

I am very disappointed in this season so far, and I had looked forward to seeing nice-guy Chris meet some nice women and travel to some beautiful places. ABC producers, you have slipped way down the slope into crazy town and have forgotten your target audience. There are too many women this time; the “no rules” thing is simply creating confusion, instead of making things more interesting, and no one in her right mind would EVER believe that Chris (or any guy) would voluntarily keep nut-job Ashley S. around. If she is acting, that is one thing, but if the girl really is having mental problems, then shame on ABC for making her a laughing stock. It is no longer funny, but merely disturbing.

I want my escapist, fun Bachelor/Bachelorette series back – not this sleazy thing.

Rain
Rain

Ashley I-Lashes = Genius

I, too, thought, “Ghosts in the Graveyard!” when they pulled into the spooky, dark area. That date is my worst nightmare–I hate haunted house-type things and I would have been freaked out and panicked.

I was sure he was going to send the fetus packing, but then I knew he was going to keep her when she gushed about her son. He’ll grow tired of her immaturity and send her home soon enough, I think.

Mindy
Mindy

Your blog is what keeps me watching this show!!
Lines that made me (literally) laugh out loud:

“The Farmer also seems to genuinely like the fetus.” LOVE that nickname! (It was either that or “Organic”)

“The makeout session turns aggressive as Ashley I-Lashes’ unhinges her jaw to swallow his face.” Ashley, honey, you should practice these things before you try them on national television! I literally cringed when watching!

Keep up the great work!! Thanks for making me laugh.

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