Bachelor Recap: Two Reasons to Stop Watching the Show
Reason #1: Spoiler alert. The Stag is gone.
Reason #2: He Who Must Not Be Named is back. (In his own annoying way…)
If next week’s group competition is a massive green bean eating contest, I’m definitely out. Mark my words.
Welcome to week five of Bachelor Pad. Come suffer along with us, won’t you?
Season: Brad – The Original Recipe
The episode begins with Sarah Cyrus crawling up into Chris’ top bunk to console him after the rose ceremony. Since his evil plan did not pan out the way he masterminded, he’s feeling a bit moody. Sarah Cyrus begins her “climb” assuming she can make him forget everything and it pretty much works, until Kalon walks in. Chris all but challenges him to meet at the flag pole after recess. Irritated, he can’t even stand to be in the same room with his former “best friend in the house” and leaps from the top bunk with Cyrus close behind. A quick shout out to the ABC editors for that modesty patch that so respectfully covered Sarah’s Hannah Montana as she dismounts.
Moments later, Sarah Cyrus looks on with wide eyes and puckered lips as Chris begins his verbal attack on Ed. Drunk with passion, anger and half a bottle of Grey Goose, Ed defends his actions by saying that he was obeying his partner because that’s what good partners do. Chris loses his cool, bows up and begins yelling at Ed. He is so frustrated, that he stumbles out of the room, smashing his glass on the ground in hostility. He wishes he could call his agent and complain about how this is NOT the way she described the logistics of Bachelor Pad. He never remembers getting yelled at summer camp nor has there been a 24-hour orgy as she promised.
Season: The Groban
The next morning, Our Host Chris Harrison invites the contestants out to the front lawn to partake in a competition he’s creatively named, “The Great Fall of China.” The rules are simple: Take a cup and saucer on a tray and walk down the path. Stack another cup and saucer on the first one and walk back the other way. Once you’ve stacked the cups and saucers six high and cross the finish line without touching, you win!
Many of the contestants reveal that Blakeley has an unfair advantage due to her “25 years” as a Hooters waitress. But even Blakeley has a tough time controlling the delicate cargo and after 10 minutes, there’s enough china on the ground to decoupage 14 date card tables. It soon comes down to the wire and Sarah Cyrus is neck-and-neck with Blakeley for the win. In a moment of desperation, Sarah accidentally touches the top of her cup to maintain balance before crossing the finish line. Chris cheers wildly from the sideline, knowing that he’s safe in the next rose ceremony. Several from the power couple alliance begin shouting that Sarah touched her cup and she immediately begins defending herself. Even after seven replays (on our screen) she constantly claims that she was cheated and compares herself to an Olympian who placed second, securing only a silver medal.
Ah yes. Cup stacking. Much like the balance beam gymnasts, it takes years to master the art of cup stacking. It’s a shame NBC scrapped the Olympic coverage of cup stacking in lieu of trampoline and hand ball. ABC would have never done that.
As Harrison announces the REAL winner, Blakeley celebrates by rubbing every second of her victory in the nose of Chris. Then she puts her game face on and literally coaches Tony through every step and stack of his portion of the competition, leading him to victory.
Blakeley and Tony now both have roses. Since they are a couple, Blakeley chooses to take him on her one-on-one date. Therefore, she has a rose left to give to one guy she would like to save. Because this guy essentially saved her last week and he’s the root of all evil in Chris’ world, she triumphantly hands her rose over to Kalon. The vein in Chris’ forehead almost popped as Kalon chooses Lindzi to accompany him on his date.
Two dates are up for grabs and Harrison gives Blakeley the choice of an overnight date or a regular date. Naturally, since this is the Bachelor franchise, everyone knows that it is essentially a sin to allow a day to go by without riding in a helicopter to some private island off the coast or have some sort of shopping spree that ends with a serenade from the current leader of the country Billboard charts or some band that was popular in the ‘80s. I personally had my hopes up for a Foreigner comeback, complete with “I Wanna Know What Love Is” montage. Fingers crossed. Blakeley and Tony wisely choose the overnight date.
Season: The Groban
DING DONG! The newly decoupaged table is at the door, holding a date card and two mysterious boxes. Lindzi squeals as Kalon reveals a diamond and sapphire bracelet and earrings sponsored by Neil Lane. Kalon opens a box with a key to a Bentley which is parked out front. The pair share a dinner on a bridge that has been shut down in East Compton. I’m sure neither the commuters nor the gangs were happy about this development, but that’s neither here nor there. The important thing is for the first time ever, Kalon wasn’t acting like a complete dill hole. Granted, it was just for a moment. The majority of the show, Kalon is still Mayor of Douche Town, but while on this date, he appears to be genuinely contemplating the possibility of pursuing Lindzi romantically. There are one or two irksome comments during dinner, sure, but beggars can’t be choosers. He serves up a heaping pile of compliments before they make out on the hood of the Bentley. Is this love? Or is Kalon playing the game? Was it just me, or did Lindzi not really seem all that interested? Was I distracted by her dimples? Or Kalon’s luxury hair products?
The next date card arrives and there are no boxes from Neil Lane. Instead, there’s a map of California and keys to a Jeep. Erica thinks this is a perfect date for Blakeley since her tattoos are masculine. Instead of their own personal tour of Baja, the cryptic map leads them straight to an Airstream trailer in the general vicinity of a raccoon habitat on the outskirts of town, complete with plastic pink flamenco and sturdy propane grill. I actually admired how Blakeley laughed off the fact that she once again has been duped by the producers.
Later, she confesses to Tony that she’s tired of being the under dog and warns him that she’s very guarded when it comes to romance. Tony breaks down the wall by turning on the local middle-of-nowhere country station and asking her to dance. They nuzzled up together, eighth-grade dance style, and swayed back and forth to the familiar music that soon filled the desert air around them. As the artist began to crescendo the chorus, a chill ran down my spine.
“They saaaayyyyyyy, looooooove don’t come eeeeaaasssssyyyyyyy…..”
I noticed the undesirable tune at the same time as my friend Emily. And I think we actually scared Lara who was sitting between us. Emily had no words. She just kept standing up and sitting down, screaming at the television. Carrie was shouting, “WHAT?” as I sat frozen, crippled by the haunting sounds in my ears that served as a romantic background melody to a Bachelor Pad lover’s montage. It simply lasted forever. Lyric one showcased a horizontal Chris and Sarah Cyrus in the night time vision goggle room. Lyric two featured a horizontal Rachel and Stag in the back yard gazebo. Lyric three exposed a hot tub where Lindzi was mounting Kalon. And lyric four boasted Ed passed out on the couch while Jaclyn rubbed his head holding his puke bucket. The second chorus reveals Tony dipping Blakeley for a romantic kiss.
When I close my eyes, I can still hear the twang. And then visions of He Who Must Not Be Named pop into my head. Continue to pray for me.
Season: The Groban
When Blakeley and Tony return from their double wide, Tony is given a rose to hand out to the woman he would like to save. Naturally, Blakeley has coached him through this decision, but it doesn’t stop Chris from interrupting the moment, pulling him out to the pool and begging him to “do the right thing” and give the rose to Sarah Cyrus. Tony waivers for a moment, but is pulled back into reality by the DDs and tight orange shorts of his partner. He gives the rose to Jaclyn.
Before the rose ceremony, Our Host Chris Harrison congratulates all of the couples who have hooked up on Bachelor Pad. I think the audience is supposed to feel some sense of validation that the show is first and foremost the red-headed stepchild of a dating show and that love is the most important factor in the general scheme of things. Right. Harrison commends Stag and Rachel for hooking up, requests a round of applause for Kalon and Lindzi’s whirlwind romance and then asks Ed how he should categorize he and Jaclyn, to which Ed responds, “I didn’t come here looking for a relationship. She’s a great partner, but that’s it.” Not one to pass up turning the screws of a very awkward moment, Harrison asks Jaclyn how she feels about that statement. She does a great job of neither crying like a baby in front of the group nor punching Ed in the throat for being such a chach. Move over Kalon. There’s a new Mayor of Douchville in town.
Season: The Groban
Rachel and Stag are going strong. He even pulls her away to some random veranda in the mansion, bribes the ABC intern to help him find enough pillows, wine, candles and rose petals to create a romantic setting (which the intern happily obliges because the Stag is so cool) and promises Rachel that one day they will go on a real date. She loves it.
Seriously? I think he uttered two words during the entire episode. Something along the lines of, “Huh?” and “Whoa.”
In case you didn’t compute all 90 times Chris mentioned it, Blakeley and Kalon both having roses is his worst nightmare. He knows that his neck is on the chopping block and he will do everything in his power to have Lindzi voted off the island. He wants Kalon to be miserable.
As luck would have it (not to mention the show’s need for a douchey villain), Our Host Chris Harrison announces that only the women will be voted on in this episode’s rose ceremony. And in a dramatic twist, the woman voted off gets to take anyone she wants with her in the twin limo. An evil smile sprawls across Chris’ face because he knows he actually has a shot of staying now. Plus, his Disney girlfriend is safe due to the fact that no one would vote her off since she would take one of the “power players” with her.
Chris’ plan is back in action. Get Lindzi voted off. Make Kalon feel pain.
Of course alliance leader Michael Stag has a plan too. Get Erica voted off. Make Erica think it’s Chris’ plan so she will take him with her in the end.
And it almost worked. Almost.
Season: The Prince
When Erica hears that her name is in the running for being voted off STD Island, she becomes furious. Fueled by lies from everyone, she quickly assumes that Chris is out to get her. She manages to pull out of her medicated stupor long enough to thank Stag for having her back before she calls Chris a BLEEP on national television. Stag begins celebrating the fact that he is so smart to convince Erica that Chris is behind her demise. Yet he celebrates too soon because he forgot one little detail…
Chris hadn’t voted yet.
Our villain walks up to Erica and invites her to join him in the voting room. Erica soon realizes that Stag has been the one two-timing behind her back. His plan has backfired. Chris wants her to witness him voting for Lindzi, not her. Then he encourages her to pay attention, because they are making Bachelor Pad history. The ABC intern marks August 20 down in the official show log. It came right after the birth of Trista and Ryan’s second child and that time when Jason Mesnick threw darling Melissa Rycroft under the bus during his season’s After the Final Rose with no studio audience.
Lindzi is called safe leaving Erica as the latest victim of the debauchery. She takes exactly two seconds before she announces that Michael Stag will no longer be participating on the Bachelor Pad. The girls cry. The boys are bummed. Erica ends her rant by telling Michael that the best thing that ever happened to Holly was dumping him on this show and marrying Blake last year. Even Kalon appears a little disgusted at that low blow as Michael gallantly kisses his girl and walks to his waiting limo.
I know I haven’t been a big supporter of Rachel and Stag, but part of me wanted her to put on some red pants, a jaunty nautical-themed navy jacket and some sweet Sperry’s and run down to get in the limo with him. The least she could have done was to give him her nose stud to remember her by. But she chooses to cry in the arms of Blakeley instead.
So that’s it for my favorite contestant. No more quippy remarks. No more spontaneous rhymes. No more break dancing. I might as well root for Ed at this point.
What did you guys think? Is Kalon for real in love with Lindzi? Will Jaclyn play the game of Ed’s partner or try to have him kicked off. Should you wear your hair in doggy ears with when you are 34? We took a quick poll. It was a unanimous “NO” at my watching party. Thoughts? Sound off in the comments section!
All about the fame, not the shame,