‘The Bachelor’ season finale recap: Arlington, Iowa population— 416 + 1 (and a cow)

funny bachelor recap-Farmer Chris

If you haven’t watched the season finale of The Bachelor and you don’t want to know who The Farmer chose to help him shuck corn, you may want to stop reading right now.

For real. Don’t read any more.

Also, how have you not seen any spoilers? According to Our Host Chris Harrison, this is the most dramatic season finale known to man. It’s all anyone will be talking about around the water cooler.

Here we go. Turn back now or forever hold your peace.

As many of the IHGB poll voters predicted, The Farmer got down on one knee and proposed to WHITNEY. Watch out Iowa. You’re about to get fertilized!

Thanks for the Tweet ladies! That corn looks good. Is it from Iowa?

It’s a good thing Whitney chose not to watch the season unfold. I imagine she would be crushed to know that The Farmer pretty much lived on the struggle bus the last 48 hours of his journey. To quote Big Papa Soules: “Whitney is a sure thing. But he likes Becca.”

Whoopsie. This is not something you want your future daughter-in-law to hear. Couple that reality with a nice layer of Jimmy Kimmel’s inappropriate remarks (Becca’s not into you) and you have the makings of a very quiet ride home in the limo.

Never fear. Whitney is a professional and the only way she is going to make it through watching her man perform on Dancing with the Stars is to plaster on a smile, straighten her spine and practice mouthing “I love you” just as the camera pans her way. This is what the Junior League has trained her for. She’ll be fine.

Guess who else will be fine? The Virgin from San Diego. But we’ll get to that in a minute.

First, let’s take a journey to a faraway land calling A-R-L-I-N-G-T-O-N. It’s a cold place, full of fields covered in snow. And in those fields roams a man who calls himself a farmer. Most farmers I know don’t wear skinny jeans, Italian dress shoes and Euro-scarves as they walk the land. He may be California on the outside, but the corn field is the only place where a befuddled man can sort out his insides.

On one hand, there is a ready-made wife and future baby mama. On the other hand is the woman with whom he is infatuated. Decisions, decisions. This sounds like a job for the family. Let’s do some Soules searching.

The Fertilizer
The Farmer drives his Silverado right up to the front door and is attacked by small children when he walks in. He asks his sisters, brothers-in-law, parents and the entire generation below him to nonchalantly hum, “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy” if they believe Whitney is the one. All agree and he runs down the road to fetch her.

Whitney arrives in a short black coat over an even shorter outfit. I am 80-percent sure she was wearing pantyhose. Somewhere in Hallsville, Texas, Linea Ray beamed proudly for not disposing of the 35 pairs of pantyhose she has tucked away in a drawer. Thanks for that Whitney.

Whitney owns the room as soon as she walks in the door. She greets the sisters as if they are old friends. The flannel shirt she substitutes for a dress is a smart nod to farm life, yet her statement necklace says, “Just because you’re milking a cow doesn’t mean you can’t be fashionable.”

Within minutes of sitting down in the living room, Whitney has shared her complete life story. She ends with the little known fact that she loves The Farmer, she wants to be his wife and she’s ready to have babies. At dinner, she reminds the group that she doesn’t have any parents and can’t wait to call Mr. and Mrs. Soules “Mom and Daddy.” She finishes with a toast: She loves The Farmer, she wants to be his wife and she’s ready to have babies. CHEERS! The entire Soules family is a blubbering mess. Even Daddy Soules had a lone tear streaming down his cheek.

Well done Whitney.

Moments later, we get to listen in on the sister panel. After offering the fact that she loves The Farmer, she wants to be his wife and she’s ready to have babies, she whispers that she will have no problem getting her roots touched up at the local beauty parlor, Curl Up & Dye. The sisters are completely smitten by her unwavering confidence. I’m sure Mama Soules is already crocheting a stocking with Whitney’s name on it and Daddy Soules is whittling a cradle.

When The Farmer sits down with his sisters, he is bombarded with Whitney endorsements. He lowers his head, squints his eyes and immediately melts into defensive mode. For every instance the sisters regale the wonder that is Whitney, The Farmer combats with a list of reasons why Becca is so charming. “Whitney is perfect for you!” is met with a curt, “Becca is cool.” And “We didn’t want Whitney to leave!” is greeted by “There’s something about Becca that makes me not want to count her out.” The sisters swat at the pesky red flags waving right in front of their faces.

Later, we get a peek inside “Pimp My Garage” as the menfolk take all emotion out of the conversation, so they can focus on the facts.

Brother-in-law Jason: Whitney is clearly all in. It sounds like Becca is playing her cards closer to the vest. As a guy, that is infinitely attractive. Are you sure she’s not like the girl at the bar who no one can talk to? Is this all about the chase?

I think Jason should be offered as a “phone a friend” moment during all bachelor seasons when contestants feel like hopping on the struggle bus.

The Farmer asks his bros not to discount Becca because A) They haven’t met her. B) He’s pretty sure she would move to Arlington once she figured out they were in love and C) She just so happens to be his top pick.

The Oblivious Intimidator
funny bachelor recap-The Bachelor Farmer

Becca chooses a more feminine twist on the traditional farm attire, opting for a chambray button down that shows her bra in certain angles. She is charming, funny and completely willing to poke fun at small town life. Mama Soules was flat out cackling when Becca ribbed that a fun weekend night would be going to the post office. The good news is that Becca loves mail. Who needs texting?

Becca is honest during the sister panel, admitting that she’s not totally in love with The Farmer. She also admits that she knows Whitney has already painted her name on the mailbox. The bottom line is that she’s not going to pick up and move her life to Iowa until she’s sure that he is the one for her.

How the show didn’t spontaneously combust at that moment is still a mystery.

When Becca mentions that she misses The Farmer when she doesn’t see him, Mama Soules explains to her that this feeling is love. When she confesses that she’s more worried about him than she is about herself, Mama Soules blames love again. Becca brings Whitney’s name up and how they are on opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to this process. Mama Soules tells her that she’s at a crossroads. Becca starts crying. She was probably remembering how bad that movie was and couldn’t control the tears.

Later that night, The Farmer visits Becca in her hotel room. He walks her through a 30-minute therapy session, which is simply ironic due to the fact that The Farmer is the least articulate person in franchise history.

The Farmer: I want everything that you can give me.
Becca: I’m just not there yet.
Lincee: DON’T YOU DARE GIVE HIM YOUR FLOWER. KEEP THAT GARDEN A SECRET.

He talks about Arlington and small town life. She responds with a bunch of “I don’t knows” with a side of “I do want you.” There was something about a timeline and a mention of something not being clear (you think?). The Farmer asks why she can’t say that she is in love with him? I found it odd that she didn’t respond, “Because it’s been 12 days.” Instead, there was another round of “I don’t know,” followed by something being cloudy and scary. With a chance of meatballs.

The Farmer kept asking her to say that she would eventually come to Arlington after they dated a while. Becca did not give in. He pushed. The thanked him for pushing, but didn’t concede. He reminded her that if he didn’t care, he wouldn’t be with her trying to get an answer. He reciprocates and feels the same way. Double positives will not help this situation I’m afraid.

Three things to note:

  1. Crimson red flags are so pretty, aren’t they?
  2. Becca should be on that “phone a friend” chain with Jason, because they are the two logical people to have ever voiced opinions on this show.
  3. How many of you think Whitney’s sister is currently putting her foot down to discourage this engagement?

The next day, The Farmer trades in his skinny jeans for a normal pair of Wranglers and invites Whitney to pick some corn. Whitney refrains from the Jillian Jump and Straddle (trademark pending) when she greets The Farmer’s dad. Once again, The Farmer drops that he owns around 800 acres as they drive to his house. Whitney sizes up the front room, thinking of all the wonderful things she could do to the space. Thank goodness for Amazon Prime.

funny bachelor recap-The Bachelor Farmer

The Farmer builds a fire as Whitney launches into a monolog about how she loves him, wants to marry him and have his babies. She asks if he has any questions?

The Farmer: What makes you think we will work?
Whit: I’m glad you asked. You have exceeded my expectations from all the stalking I did before coming on the show. You make me feel comfortable. There are some things that I can’t put into words.
Lincee: He totally gets it. That’s how he feels about Becca.

Whitney slow drips the waterworks. She understands why he has to sit there like a bump on a log, because she’s been watching this show for 18 seasons. She gives him a Burn Book of all the girls she beat from her year and sends him on his way to have a little meeting with Uncle Neil.

Rose Ceremony
The ABC Intern goes above and beyond with an elaborate proposal setup. Gone are the Home Depot sponsored platforms surrounded by whatever was available in the greenhouse that day. The proposal barn was decked out in every piece of farm paraphernalia, as well as some random additions. Dried corn stalks were zip tied to poles, which were next to hanging stained glass windows. Old timely milk buckets gleaned with refractions from a handful of dainty chandeliers. And actual candles with actual flames danced around a carpet of dry hay.

funny bachelor recap-BeccaBecca arrives first looking absolutely gorgeous in a deep red velvet dress. She should get a medal for maneuvering so many steps to end up to where The Farmer was standing in the loft. He is crushed that she is not ready to be a wife. He doesn’t want to take a leap of faith with her since she hasn’t said the “L” word, but he will blow his cold breath all over her face. Becca respects his honesty and praises his character. She offers to give him a ride to practice when he’s in LA for Dancing With the Stars. The Farmer weeps when she leaves. Becca sits gracefully in the limo, displaying an appropriate amount of disappointment.

Seriously. Put this girl on the phone chain.

After the ABC Intern puts out a small fire over by the rose podium and covers the charred hay with a whimsical wagon wheel, Whitney arrives looking sleek in a dark navy number. She too navigates the stairs beautifully. When she arrives at the top, her mouth takes over and she makes a speech about how much she loves him, wants to be his wife and have his babies. Just in case he didn’t know.

The Farmer tells her he loves her back, gets down on one knee and asks Whitney to marry him. She says yes. They celebrate by sitting down in the barn loft in their fancy clothes, overlooking their property. I wonder how many people are going to crash their wedding?

Things I Learned During After the Final Rose

  • Our Host Chris Harrison was a touch on the annoying side when he kept asking The Farmer about his feelings for Becca. Would things be different if Becca had said she loved him? Duh Harrison. The Farmer wisely answered that he isn’t looking back.
  • Becca borrowed a pair of Ashley I-Lashes lashes, shimmied into her hot pink lacy dress and once again let everyone know that she is perfectly fine.
  • Whitney borrowed Ashley I-Lashes nude lipstick for her live national debut. She speaks for the next 20 minutes as The Farmer nods in agreement. Even though she didn’t watch the show, she is glad he had a hard decision to make. That means he approaches everything with his entire heart.

OHCH: But he was so conflicted. Does that worry you?
Whit: That’s why I love him. We do everything 100-percent.

OHCH: Have you talked about how conflicted he was? Because it was BAD.
Whit: We have. I have complete confidence in our relationship.

OHCH: What about all the kissing and boinking? Have you seen the Jade video? Here, will you read this list of mean Tweets about yourself?

  • Melrose has agreed to be on Bachelor Paradise. Boom!
  • Jimmy Kimmel gifted the engaged couple with a cow. His name is Juan Pablo and he doesn’t speak English. Our Host pet the cow’s head, softly murmuring, “Eet’s okay.” By far this was the highlight of the night. Harrison rules.
  • Both Britt and Kaitlyn were announced as co-bachelorettes. Kaitlyn joked about how they will end up in the same hot tub. Britt kept messing with her hair. Harrison reminded everyone that THIS HAS NEVER BEEN DONE. I’m not sure how it’s going to work, but I am counting down the days until May 18.
  • Michelle Money is cool. She skyped with IHGB readers! Thanks for the pic Jessica!
    Michelle Moneyfunny bachelor recap-Michelle Money

And that is the end of the corn row my friends. Do you think The Farmer and Whitney are in love? Are you rooting for Britt or Kaitlyn to be the next bachelorette? Will you be reading Our Host Chris Harrison’s book? Are we really going to start a Book Club? Because I think that idea is stellar.

Make sure to vote one last time for your favorite line of the recap. I have had a ball recapping and visiting with you each week! I hope you stick around for my Top 10 Moments from Dancing With the Stars beginning Tuesday!

Thanks so much for reading. My cup runneth over.

Lincee

Comments

225 Comments on "‘The Bachelor’ season finale recap: Arlington, Iowa population— 416 + 1 (and a cow)"

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Wendy
Wendy

Pressing refresh all morning has finally paid off! Now time to read your brilliance Lincee!

Jennie
Jennie

I may have done that, too. If Lincee gets paid for page hits, well, Wendy and I may have bought her a latte.

Chrissy
Chrissy

Great recap!!! So many fav lines but definitely laughed out loud to “He asks his sisters, brothers-in-law, parents and the entire generation below him to nonchalantly hum, “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy” if they believe Whitney is the one.”
I definitely think Whitney and her sis would not be excited about his indecision. But hope it will work out- his parents were adorable and really sincere in their excitement!

Melissa
Melissa

“Curl Up and Dye”

Hahahaha! This is perfection!

Ainsley
Ainsley

“Curl up and Dye” That is by far the best line!! Nailed it Lincee!!

Cameron
Cameron

Great recaps all season, Lincee!

Best line: “How the show didn’t spontaneously combust at that moment is still a mystery”–agree!

Kristin
Kristin

I liked this line, too. I was searching for the other line that I had liked and couldn’t remember, but now I do!

marymary
marymary

That was a pretty boring final episode, in my opinion. I don’t agree that Christ is really more into Becca than Whitney – he was a lot smilier (a word?) when he and Whitney were together. To me it seemed like he just was killing time with Becca – they showed nothing of their last date except the “talk”. Also, we saw him leave with his homemade gifts from the girls but never saw what they were!

Becca did not seem upset at all when he told her he wasn’t picking her. She seemed a little sad and dazed in the limo, but I feel that was because she genuinely liked him and enjoyed spending time with him, but no way was she in love. She also seemed fine at the ATFR show.

How about the near booing when OHCH asked about Britt being the bachelorette? He had to force the audience to cheer when he asked them again. Kaitlyn seemed to be quite irritated, and Britt was obviously thrilled to not be out of the running.

Cathy
Cathy

I hate that they are forcing Britt on us! Even though OHCH said it’s a split, the boos clearly meant we don’t want Britt! The men are going decide first night?? Ugh, I think we all know what that means!

Jen
Jen

I definitely heard the boos and lack of enthusiasm for Britt. But it was clear all season that OHCH was all about Britt and thats who he wants for Bachelorette. I hope the guys choose Kaitlyn, not that I’m her biggest fan but at least she comes across as authentic.

Chrissy
Chrissy

Exactly marymary!!! If Becca liked Chris even in the slightest she would have been so upset that he was not choosing her. She did not shed a single tear. My husband and I have been together for 10 years…..we hit a bit of a rocky patch in our early dating and didn’t know if it would work out. I was a mess and could not stop crying. Not because I’m a mental case but because I was so in love with him. There is something up with her and not ever having been in love.

Kathleen
Kathleen

Could not agree more. I am disappointed that Britt is back, but not more than Kaitlyn. She looked positively peeved. Britt just needs to go away…so, so sick of her.

marymary
marymary

Whoops, Chris, not Christ! I don’t know which girl Jesus would have picked!

dEBBIE
dEBBIE

I just snorted coke out my nose. That is hilarious!

Allion
Allion

Isn’t the coke supposed to go in to your nose? 😉

Austin-ite
Austin-ite

WWJP

Kris
Kris

Best comment ever!!

Terri
Terri

Omgosh-that’s funny.

Tasha
Tasha

Hahahahahahahahaha

jo
jo

Becca (virgin)

Bri
Bri

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jen
Jen

I, like many, was hoping to have seen the last of Britt. When they brought she and Kaitlyn out last night, Britt seemed different yet familiar to me. Was her look softened, her hair lighter, her face wider, coloring more subtle etc? It took me a moment to pinpoint what felt familiar. Is it just me or are they trying to morph her appearance to look more like Gia?

Whitney
Whitney

I thought the same thing! Her look was softened. She didn’t have the bold lipstick on, but what really did it was that they only put mascara on her top lashes and left the bottom ones bare. It took me a second to figure out why she looked different as well.

Camie
Camie

or maybe…she took a shower.

baseballmama
baseballmama

I think she had showered. haha

Camie
Camie

bahahaha!!! just saw your comment, totally agree. 🙂

Hai Yen
Hai Yen

She wasn’t wearing her usual amount of smoky eye shadow and poorly blended sparkly brow highlighter. She looks way better toned down than she did on this season.

Jennie
Jennie

I thought that they had convinced her to forego the glitter, heavy eyeliner and hooker-red lipstick. She looks better, IMO, but I still don’t want to see her on the Bachelorette.

Sheesh
Sheesh

Yeah it was her lack of make-up. Now if she could just stop swinging her hair around like a machete. (How much classier would she have looked if she just stood there with a nice bun or something?)

Look at Ashley S. No matter what’s happening inside that head of hers, the outside sure looks smart.

Kim B
Kim B

Favorite line…The Farmer asks why she can’t say that she is in love with him? I found it odd that she didn’t respond, “Because it’s been 12 days.”

🙂 hehehe

Julie
Julie

Lines that had me laughing out loud:
How the show didn’t spontaneously combust at that moment is still a mystery.

Have you talked about how conflicted he was? Because it was BAD.

The Farmer asks why she can’t say that she is in love with him? I found it odd that she didn’t respond, “Because it’s been 12 days.” Instead, there was another round of “I don’t know,” followed by something being cloudy and scary. With a chance of meatballs.

Thanks so much for sharing your recap. LOVE it!

Carrie
Carrie

I don’t have a favorite line; I have a favorite paragraph! “He talks about Arlington and small town life. She responds with a bunch of “I don’t knows” with a side of “I do want you.” There was something about a timeline and a mention of something not being clear (you think?). The Farmer asks why she can’t say that she is in love with him? I found it odd that she didn’t respond, “Because it’s been 12 days.” Instead, there was another round of “I don’t know,” followed by something being cloudy and scary. With a chance of meatballs.”

Lisa
Lisa

Once again Lincee you outdid yourself. My favorite line: DON’T YOU DARE GIVE HIM YOUR FLOWER. KEEP THAT GARDEN A SECRET.

Allison
Allison

YESS!!! dead on. That and “Watch out Iowa. You’re about to get fertilized!” Too much. LOVE IT LINCEE!

Karen m
Karen m

While watching the proposal I kept yelling at Whitney to stop talking. I thought it was going to be a Monica and Chandler moment with them both kneeling on the floor trying to propose to one another!
Chris will never have to worry about being tongue tied again because Whitney will always speak on his behalf!

Jen
Jen

Me too!!!

Jenny
Jenny

And actual candles with actual flames danced around a carpet of dry hay.

And then…

After the ABC Intern puts out a small fire over by the rose podium and covers the charred hay with a whimsical wagon wheel

I was so stressed over the candles in the barn! What were they thinking!

Did anyone understand how this two bachelorette a thing is going to work? Are th guys going to choose one of them the first night and the other one goes? Or will both girls be there for the duration fighting over the guys? I’m so confused!

Erin D
Erin D

I thought OHCH made it sound like on the first night, the bachelors would choose the one they want to fight for, and then it will be like a normal season. Is that what anyone else got from what he said?

Karen
Karen

That was the impression I got too. If my memory serves me correctly, I am pretty sure that Bachelor Byron’s (the fisherman) season started out that way too. But that was like 12 years ago and many many roses ago, so I might be wrong.

Sara
Sara

You are correct, Karen! I was wondering if I was the only one who remembered that. Yes, OHCH, I realize that it’s the first time there have been two BachelorETTES, but it’s not the first time you’ve had this concept all together.

Laurie
Laurie

I was confused as well. Then I saw the girls on Jimmy Kimmel and it appears they are confused too. I don’t think anyone has told them yet what to expect. And my guess is bc they haven’t figured it all out themselves even!

Sheesh
Sheesh

I think they’re still trying to figure out what would be the most humiliating.

What could be worse than getting primed and primped, only to be voted off a show the first night by a bunch of cute guys you’ve just met?

Tina
Tina

So it’s basically being rejected again!!! Good point!

baseballmama
baseballmama

so distracted by the fire in the barn. I am going to have to force my farming hubby to watch to see his reaction. I really want to know what that barn looked like before. new paint new stairs new roof, new fence that would hold nothing?

Ann
Ann

I am so glad other people were concerned about the open flames in a hay barn, too! It was driving me crazy and I was picturing the whole set-up going up in flames at any moment.

My friends who watch with me and I do not like Kaitlyn. She is way too rough to be the Bachelorette. I can’t ever get over the first comment out of her mouth on night one being off-color. She seems pretty class-less.

Having said that, I really despise this idea of having two women vying to stay, and the GUYS getting to vote on who stays and who goes. One of the best things about this franchise is that, at least every other season, girls get to choose for a change. It is so demeaning to do it this way. If the choice occurs on the first night, or even one of the early episodes, then the vote obviously will be based solely on superficial qualities. This is the worst idea in Bachelor history. I wish they had gone for completely new blood and picked a brand-new bachelorette. Boo.

Sarah
Sarah

I would agree if they hadn’t done it to the Bachelor first.

Catherine
Catherine

That first impression of kaitlyn really threw me off too because I don’t have a crass sense of humor at all, but I grew to really like her. I thought her observations about people were spot on and thought she was pretty funny and the most real out of the girls towards the end…

Mary
Mary

I completely agree about Kaitlyn! She always seemed crass to me, and not sophisticated at all. I cannot watch another season of her.

I know I’m in the minority, but I really like Britt. Sure, there were a couple weird moments, but I have to say, I wouldn’t have looked much better.I think she reacted as best she could in a setting that is not at all natural.

Stacy
Stacy

I noticed the candle were in jars so pretty safe but I was thinking…Where are the heaters hidden?? in the barn because it must have been ice cold in there. YOu could see the farmer’s breath! And they made them sit in the loft of the barn forever-freezing until Mom and Pop got there. What these poor people go thru. LOL

Was there really a fire?

Bri
Bri

Apparently it will be similar to how they did it on Byron’s season. I had completely forgotten, but someone reminded me there were TWO options for bachelor that season, Byron and Jay. Did anyone else remember that??

After the first cocktail party, the girls had to put either a white or yellow rose on a tray to symbolize which guy they wanted to stay, and then the person with the most roses (Byron) officially became the bachelor. My guess is it will be something like that!

Lisa
Lisa

Yes, I remember that they started out with 2 guys and Byron came out ahead. Didn’t like it then, but at least
I can stand it for the men. (i know that’s sexist)

Somehow it makes me really cringe to put 2 women out there to be judged by 25 men. I will feel really bad for the woman who gets “rejected” on the first night…that’s going to be painful to watch.

Carrie
Carrie

I agree, OHCH pushed a little hard on the questioning with Farmer about Becca. I wonder if Whitney will now ask more questions of the Farmer. Of course, he can always blame it on the editing. I bet he wasn’t as conflicted as the editing made it seem. Time will tell!

I think I’m looking more forward to the next Bachelor in Paradise than the next Bachelorette.

Beth
Beth

I think OHCH is getting rude and condescending in his old age. He does his best to create conflict if it’s a couple that he’s not totally on board with. On the other hand, if it’s a couple like Andi and Josh he can’t be more positive. I think he’s been in this role too long.

Erin
Erin

A book club is a great idea.. with all of the Bachelor franchise “authors” you could make it a theme!

Favorite line: Whitney is a professional and the only way she is going to make it through watching her man perform on Dancing with the Stars is to plaster on a smile, straighten her spine and practice mouthing “I love you” just as the camera pans her way. This is what the Junior League has trained her for. She’ll be fine.

Love these recaps!

Desiree
Desiree

Did anyone else notice how much fuller Becca’s lips seemed on ATFR?? Helloooooo collagen! Sorry, but that isn’t just some lip plumping gloss. She looked absolutely gorgeous though, which I’m sure angered Whitney (which might explain the 24/7 crazy eyes…).

Rebecca
Rebecca

Yes! I was watching her lips the whole time!

Desiree
Desiree

Ok thank you! I was watching with 2 girlfriends and we were all fixated on it! I think it was mostly her top lip – it completely changed her look!

Rebecca
Rebecca

Agree

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