‘The Bachelor’ season finale recap: Arlington, Iowa population— 416 + 1 (and a cow)

funny bachelor recap-Farmer Chris

If you haven’t watched the season finale of The Bachelor and you don’t want to know who The Farmer chose to help him shuck corn, you may want to stop reading right now.

For real. Don’t read any more.

Also, how have you not seen any spoilers? According to Our Host Chris Harrison, this is the most dramatic season finale known to man. It’s all anyone will be talking about around the water cooler.

Here we go. Turn back now or forever hold your peace.

As many of the IHGB poll voters predicted, The Farmer got down on one knee and proposed to WHITNEY. Watch out Iowa. You’re about to get fertilized!

Thanks for the Tweet ladies! That corn looks good. Is it from Iowa?

It’s a good thing Whitney chose not to watch the season unfold. I imagine she would be crushed to know that The Farmer pretty much lived on the struggle bus the last 48 hours of his journey. To quote Big Papa Soules: “Whitney is a sure thing. But he likes Becca.”

Whoopsie. This is not something you want your future daughter-in-law to hear. Couple that reality with a nice layer of Jimmy Kimmel’s inappropriate remarks (Becca’s not into you) and you have the makings of a very quiet ride home in the limo.

Never fear. Whitney is a professional and the only way she is going to make it through watching her man perform on Dancing with the Stars is to plaster on a smile, straighten her spine and practice mouthing “I love you” just as the camera pans her way. This is what the Junior League has trained her for. She’ll be fine.

Guess who else will be fine? The Virgin from San Diego. But we’ll get to that in a minute.

First, let’s take a journey to a faraway land calling A-R-L-I-N-G-T-O-N. It’s a cold place, full of fields covered in snow. And in those fields roams a man who calls himself a farmer. Most farmers I know don’t wear skinny jeans, Italian dress shoes and Euro-scarves as they walk the land. He may be California on the outside, but the corn field is the only place where a befuddled man can sort out his insides.

On one hand, there is a ready-made wife and future baby mama. On the other hand is the woman with whom he is infatuated. Decisions, decisions. This sounds like a job for the family. Let’s do some Soules searching.

The Fertilizer
The Farmer drives his Silverado right up to the front door and is attacked by small children when he walks in. He asks his sisters, brothers-in-law, parents and the entire generation below him to nonchalantly hum, “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy” if they believe Whitney is the one. All agree and he runs down the road to fetch her.

Whitney arrives in a short black coat over an even shorter outfit. I am 80-percent sure she was wearing pantyhose. Somewhere in Hallsville, Texas, Linea Ray beamed proudly for not disposing of the 35 pairs of pantyhose she has tucked away in a drawer. Thanks for that Whitney.

Whitney owns the room as soon as she walks in the door. She greets the sisters as if they are old friends. The flannel shirt she substitutes for a dress is a smart nod to farm life, yet her statement necklace says, “Just because you’re milking a cow doesn’t mean you can’t be fashionable.”

Within minutes of sitting down in the living room, Whitney has shared her complete life story. She ends with the little known fact that she loves The Farmer, she wants to be his wife and she’s ready to have babies. At dinner, she reminds the group that she doesn’t have any parents and can’t wait to call Mr. and Mrs. Soules “Mom and Daddy.” She finishes with a toast: She loves The Farmer, she wants to be his wife and she’s ready to have babies. CHEERS! The entire Soules family is a blubbering mess. Even Daddy Soules had a lone tear streaming down his cheek.

Well done Whitney.

Moments later, we get to listen in on the sister panel. After offering the fact that she loves The Farmer, she wants to be his wife and she’s ready to have babies, she whispers that she will have no problem getting her roots touched up at the local beauty parlor, Curl Up & Dye. The sisters are completely smitten by her unwavering confidence. I’m sure Mama Soules is already crocheting a stocking with Whitney’s name on it and Daddy Soules is whittling a cradle.

When The Farmer sits down with his sisters, he is bombarded with Whitney endorsements. He lowers his head, squints his eyes and immediately melts into defensive mode. For every instance the sisters regale the wonder that is Whitney, The Farmer combats with a list of reasons why Becca is so charming. “Whitney is perfect for you!” is met with a curt, “Becca is cool.” And “We didn’t want Whitney to leave!” is greeted by “There’s something about Becca that makes me not want to count her out.” The sisters swat at the pesky red flags waving right in front of their faces.

Later, we get a peek inside “Pimp My Garage” as the menfolk take all emotion out of the conversation, so they can focus on the facts.

Brother-in-law Jason: Whitney is clearly all in. It sounds like Becca is playing her cards closer to the vest. As a guy, that is infinitely attractive. Are you sure she’s not like the girl at the bar who no one can talk to? Is this all about the chase?

I think Jason should be offered as a “phone a friend” moment during all bachelor seasons when contestants feel like hopping on the struggle bus.

The Farmer asks his bros not to discount Becca because A) They haven’t met her. B) He’s pretty sure she would move to Arlington once she figured out they were in love and C) She just so happens to be his top pick.

The Oblivious Intimidator
funny bachelor recap-The Bachelor Farmer

Becca chooses a more feminine twist on the traditional farm attire, opting for a chambray button down that shows her bra in certain angles. She is charming, funny and completely willing to poke fun at small town life. Mama Soules was flat out cackling when Becca ribbed that a fun weekend night would be going to the post office. The good news is that Becca loves mail. Who needs texting?

Becca is honest during the sister panel, admitting that she’s not totally in love with The Farmer. She also admits that she knows Whitney has already painted her name on the mailbox. The bottom line is that she’s not going to pick up and move her life to Iowa until she’s sure that he is the one for her.

How the show didn’t spontaneously combust at that moment is still a mystery.

When Becca mentions that she misses The Farmer when she doesn’t see him, Mama Soules explains to her that this feeling is love. When she confesses that she’s more worried about him than she is about herself, Mama Soules blames love again. Becca brings Whitney’s name up and how they are on opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to this process. Mama Soules tells her that she’s at a crossroads. Becca starts crying. She was probably remembering how bad that movie was and couldn’t control the tears.

Later that night, The Farmer visits Becca in her hotel room. He walks her through a 30-minute therapy session, which is simply ironic due to the fact that The Farmer is the least articulate person in franchise history.

The Farmer: I want everything that you can give me.
Becca: I’m just not there yet.
Lincee: DON’T YOU DARE GIVE HIM YOUR FLOWER. KEEP THAT GARDEN A SECRET.

He talks about Arlington and small town life. She responds with a bunch of “I don’t knows” with a side of “I do want you.” There was something about a timeline and a mention of something not being clear (you think?). The Farmer asks why she can’t say that she is in love with him? I found it odd that she didn’t respond, “Because it’s been 12 days.” Instead, there was another round of “I don’t know,” followed by something being cloudy and scary. With a chance of meatballs.

The Farmer kept asking her to say that she would eventually come to Arlington after they dated a while. Becca did not give in. He pushed. The thanked him for pushing, but didn’t concede. He reminded her that if he didn’t care, he wouldn’t be with her trying to get an answer. He reciprocates and feels the same way. Double positives will not help this situation I’m afraid.

Three things to note:

  1. Crimson red flags are so pretty, aren’t they?
  2. Becca should be on that “phone a friend” chain with Jason, because they are the two logical people to have ever voiced opinions on this show.
  3. How many of you think Whitney’s sister is currently putting her foot down to discourage this engagement?

The next day, The Farmer trades in his skinny jeans for a normal pair of Wranglers and invites Whitney to pick some corn. Whitney refrains from the Jillian Jump and Straddle (trademark pending) when she greets The Farmer’s dad. Once again, The Farmer drops that he owns around 800 acres as they drive to his house. Whitney sizes up the front room, thinking of all the wonderful things she could do to the space. Thank goodness for Amazon Prime.

funny bachelor recap-The Bachelor Farmer

The Farmer builds a fire as Whitney launches into a monolog about how she loves him, wants to marry him and have his babies. She asks if he has any questions?

The Farmer: What makes you think we will work?
Whit: I’m glad you asked. You have exceeded my expectations from all the stalking I did before coming on the show. You make me feel comfortable. There are some things that I can’t put into words.
Lincee: He totally gets it. That’s how he feels about Becca.

Whitney slow drips the waterworks. She understands why he has to sit there like a bump on a log, because she’s been watching this show for 18 seasons. She gives him a Burn Book of all the girls she beat from her year and sends him on his way to have a little meeting with Uncle Neil.

Rose Ceremony
The ABC Intern goes above and beyond with an elaborate proposal setup. Gone are the Home Depot sponsored platforms surrounded by whatever was available in the greenhouse that day. The proposal barn was decked out in every piece of farm paraphernalia, as well as some random additions. Dried corn stalks were zip tied to poles, which were next to hanging stained glass windows. Old timely milk buckets gleaned with refractions from a handful of dainty chandeliers. And actual candles with actual flames danced around a carpet of dry hay.

funny bachelor recap-BeccaBecca arrives first looking absolutely gorgeous in a deep red velvet dress. She should get a medal for maneuvering so many steps to end up to where The Farmer was standing in the loft. He is crushed that she is not ready to be a wife. He doesn’t want to take a leap of faith with her since she hasn’t said the “L” word, but he will blow his cold breath all over her face. Becca respects his honesty and praises his character. She offers to give him a ride to practice when he’s in LA for Dancing With the Stars. The Farmer weeps when she leaves. Becca sits gracefully in the limo, displaying an appropriate amount of disappointment.

Seriously. Put this girl on the phone chain.

After the ABC Intern puts out a small fire over by the rose podium and covers the charred hay with a whimsical wagon wheel, Whitney arrives looking sleek in a dark navy number. She too navigates the stairs beautifully. When she arrives at the top, her mouth takes over and she makes a speech about how much she loves him, wants to be his wife and have his babies. Just in case he didn’t know.

The Farmer tells her he loves her back, gets down on one knee and asks Whitney to marry him. She says yes. They celebrate by sitting down in the barn loft in their fancy clothes, overlooking their property. I wonder how many people are going to crash their wedding?

Things I Learned During After the Final Rose

  • Our Host Chris Harrison was a touch on the annoying side when he kept asking The Farmer about his feelings for Becca. Would things be different if Becca had said she loved him? Duh Harrison. The Farmer wisely answered that he isn’t looking back.
  • Becca borrowed a pair of Ashley I-Lashes lashes, shimmied into her hot pink lacy dress and once again let everyone know that she is perfectly fine.
  • Whitney borrowed Ashley I-Lashes nude lipstick for her live national debut. She speaks for the next 20 minutes as The Farmer nods in agreement. Even though she didn’t watch the show, she is glad he had a hard decision to make. That means he approaches everything with his entire heart.

OHCH: But he was so conflicted. Does that worry you?
Whit: That’s why I love him. We do everything 100-percent.

OHCH: Have you talked about how conflicted he was? Because it was BAD.
Whit: We have. I have complete confidence in our relationship.

OHCH: What about all the kissing and boinking? Have you seen the Jade video? Here, will you read this list of mean Tweets about yourself?

  • Melrose has agreed to be on Bachelor Paradise. Boom!
  • Jimmy Kimmel gifted the engaged couple with a cow. His name is Juan Pablo and he doesn’t speak English. Our Host pet the cow’s head, softly murmuring, “Eet’s okay.” By far this was the highlight of the night. Harrison rules.
  • Both Britt and Kaitlyn were announced as co-bachelorettes. Kaitlyn joked about how they will end up in the same hot tub. Britt kept messing with her hair. Harrison reminded everyone that THIS HAS NEVER BEEN DONE. I’m not sure how it’s going to work, but I am counting down the days until May 18.
  • Michelle Money is cool. She skyped with IHGB readers! Thanks for the pic Jessica!
    Michelle Moneyfunny bachelor recap-Michelle Money

And that is the end of the corn row my friends. Do you think The Farmer and Whitney are in love? Are you rooting for Britt or Kaitlyn to be the next bachelorette? Will you be reading Our Host Chris Harrison’s book? Are we really going to start a Book Club? Because I think that idea is stellar.

Make sure to vote one last time for your favorite line of the recap. I have had a ball recapping and visiting with you each week! I hope you stick around for my Top 10 Moments from Dancing With the Stars beginning Tuesday!

Thanks so much for reading. My cup runneth over.

Lincee

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