‘The Bachelor’ Women Tell All: Then they cry before telling some more

The Bachelor Farmer

According to Our Host Chris Harrison, this has been the most shocking season of The Bachelor in 19 seasons. “Shocking” isn’t necessarily the word I would use, but it certainly has been entertaining. With that said, the Women Tell All episode is traditionally 80-percent mind-numbingly boring and 20-percent less boring. Because I respect your time and appreciate your willingness to visit each and every week, I’m going to do my best to sift through the nonsense and give you the CliffsNotes version of the 120 minute trip down Memory Lane. TO THE HOT SEAT!

Note 1: It’s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.

As Harrison reminds the viewers that this is the craziest season ever, the cameras catch a few girls primping in front of the backstage mirror. Kelsey is in a long, green tank dress, trying to make herself look as demure as possible. When she powders her ears, I find myself wondering if this a thing I should know about? Do my ears get shiny?

Jade is in full Jessica Rabbit garb, complete with a skin tight red dress, hoisted boobs and a slit up her thigh that would make Angelina Jolie blush. Ashley I-Lashes goes for a monochromatic look. Her pale lipstick matches her pale dress which accentuates her pale sternum. Even though her gown’s neckline extends far beyond plunging, the magical belly charm does not make an appearance. There will be no free wishes tonight. These girls are ready to show all as they tell all.

The Bachelor Farmer

Note 2: What happens at The Bachelor party, stays at The Bachelor party lives forever on the Internet.

Harrison and The Farmer ride a large bus around Los Angles so they can burst through the doors of “unsuspecting” women hosting Bachelor watching parties. Here’s a list of items you need if you have any chance of OHCH crashing your party during next week’s finale:

  1. You must wear either a plaid flannel shirt or gingham pearl snap.
  2. The flannel must be paired with some sort of denim. The easy choice is jeans, or jean shorts. If you are willing to go above and beyond, try overalls or denim panties.
  3. A crunchy, straw cowboy hat, secured from any number of gas stations, should be worn at all times.
  4. Hay bales should be prevalent.
  5. All appetizers and entrées must have corn as the base ingredient.
  6. Wine and whiskey will flow freely.
  7. There must be at least a handful of women who were born in the early ‘60s willing to not only kiss
  8. The Farmer on the lips, but do it on national television and then giggle about it.
  9. More than half of your watching party needs to be drunk and ready to squeal should Harrison and The Farmer pay a visit.
  10. You need to designate one girl to execute the Jillian Jump and Straddle (trademark pending) when The Farmer walks through the door. Bonus points if she jumps from the couch.
  11. Buy plastic cups. Things are gonna get rowdy.

Note 3: Alright Mr. Fleiss. I’m ready for my close-up.

The Bachelor Farmer

Britt scores the first invitation to the hot seat because she gets everything she’s ever wanted in life and more, including a position in the Solid Gold Dancer reboot, apparently. Three cheers for that gold lamé cocktail dress!

Her first order of business is to look wounded. The second was to ask Carly why she pretended to be her friend when she knew she was crying so much that she had to take the cucumbers out of her own salad to combat eye puffiness? Plus, she totally gave her a list of songs she loved and Carly WROTE THEM IN HER JOURNAL. If that’s not friendship, what is?

Carly is shocked.

Wait. Strike that. It’s just her severely arched eyebrows. Rewind.

Carly is irritated and interrupts Britt’s every fourth word. Everyone begins speaking at once as I begin to rock back and forth, waiting for Harrison to intervene. He watches the drama unfold before him, counting the ratings as they slowly rise. Once Jillian starts doing pushups and Carly takes off her rings, he knows it’s time to take back control and give floor to Jade. She admits she often questioned Britt’s authenticity. Britt’s bottom lip pokes out. Carly reminds everyone that Britt didn’t like Arlington when they were in Arlington, but then miraculously changed her tune.

Suddenly, Jillian decides that the best thing to share with the world at this particular moment was the fact that Carly called her a man.

jim_halpert2

Know your audience Jillian.

Britt wrestles for full focus, announcing that she does want children. Even though she said she didn’t six or seven times, she has a resume full of good deeds that involve her tending to the well-being of children all over the world, for several days in a row in some instances.

Britt uses the word “juxtaposition” twice and Kelsey smiles approvingly, then swirls her chair around to the back row, explaining the definition to Megan. Britt’s face contorts into an ugly cry, yet tears never leave the ducts. She forgives Carly for acting out of a place of pain, and cries invisible tears for the next 10 minutes. Harrison finally lands the plane and thanks her for playing along. She asks him for the name of his agent. He rolls his eyes, sends her back to the front row and takes a sip from his boot flask. NEXT!

Note 4: I’m sorry I called you stupid. I had no idea it was a secret.

The Bachelor Farmer

Kelsey may have felt immeasurably blessed once upon a time, but now she feels like she’s grieving her husband and The Farmer’s rejection all over again. She is able to summon enough tears to request Chris Harrison’s silk pocket square. I hope he never used it. If he did, she now has his DNA and can grow her own Host in a petri dish.

You can tell that Kelsey had prepared for every “Why did you do/say that?” scenario that could ever be thrown her way. She never admits anything herself, but does use context clues (“I see contempt in your faces”) to tell them what they think about her.

She doesn’t understand their perspective, but she does see how her actions could be misinterpreted. Getting one-on-one time with The Farmer was not tactical. Her panic attack was a natural reaction to the stress she was under. She wishes the girls would accept her—warts and all. When Our Host asks her if she thinks she’s better than the other women, Kelsey wisely asks him if there is any way you can properly evaluate humanity?

She’s good.

Someone asks Harrison if they can speak. “Not yet!” he barks. The women are an uneasy brood. Someone sends the ABC Intern to fetch a few pitchforks and fiery clubs. Harrison bats down another request to “say something” in lieu of turning up the tension in the room using his best weapon—silence.

Harrison is fascinated by Kelsey’s ability to walk the line of playing the victim and pseudo-defending her actions. You can tell he’s sizing her up to be the villain in his next romance novel. She continues her soliloquy, blaming heated moments on raw anger. She offers hollow apologies for “anything she may have done.”

Our Host finally lets the women have a go at Kelsey. Batter up!

Juelia: “You’re one of the most calculated people I’ve ever met. As someone who has a tragic story, I would never use it to say I deserved love more than others. This is why you aren’t friends with these people.”

Megan: “If you were still grieving, why did you go on the show? Was it because you’d never flown internationally?”

Drunk Girl: “Why did you say your story was amazing? Can someone get me a Jack and Coke?”

Samantha: “I got sent home that night because of your drama.”

Ashley I-Lashes: “The last person I would want to see me wallowing around on the floor from a panic attack is The Farmer. Of course you’re up here and, where am I again?”

The Bachelor Farmer

OHCH: “Didn’t you bad mouth her too Lashes?”
Ash: “There may have been a little bit.”

We spend the next 10 minutes debating if Kelsey’s husband existed in real life and all I can think about are Jillian’s HUGE earrings. Kelsey wraps up her speech with a nice, tidy bow. She vows that manipulation was never her intention and thanks the show producers for helping her continue to grow and challenge herself by opening her heart again to love. Based on these reactions, no one believes her:

Note #5: How do you like them onions?

The Bachelor Farmer

Melrose is invited to the hot seat and Chris Harrison can’t help but tell her that she is one of his favorite contestant to ever be on the show. She presents him with an onion, talks a little bit how there are real zombies in Mesa Verde and then outs Harrison’s illegal gambling ring.

Harrison: “The first rule of The Bachelor Betting Cub is that we can’t talk about it.”

She admits that she spoke to one cat (not several as reported) but the cat didn’t speak back. She’s not a paid actress who was hired to shake things up. She likes to ride bikes and likes being silly in front of the camera. Oh, and God bless all the pomegranates.

Melrose was on the stage for a total of six minutes, and by the end, Harrison broke all the rules and invited her to be a contestant on Bachelor Paradise. Sure this year’s paradise is Destin, Florida due to budget constraints, but it will still be fun! There’s no confirmation from Melrose because she’s too fascinated that she’s on TV at that moment. Here’s to staying positive and testing negative Melrose! We love you!

Note #6: When the going gets tough, the tough sweat profusely.

Harrison invites The Farmer to the hot seat and once again, Britt is first to score a one-on-one interview. She breaks tradition (THERE ARE NO RULES) by joining him on the stage. Britt embraces The Farmer with the passion of a thousand call-backs. Still hugging. Still hugging. I go to the kitchen to make myself a sandwich and when I come back, they are still hugging. I’m sure his three-month contractually obligated fiancée is loving this moment right now. A fine layer of bronzer and shimmery eyeshadow dust cover his jacket lapel. She grabs his hands, reminds him how much electricity they had together and then forgives him for falling under Carly’s trap like she did.

Note #7: A closed mouth received no foot.

The Bachelor Farmer

Kaitlyn refrains from any temptation to throw gasoline on the fire. She tells The Farmer that she wishes he had extended her the same courtesy as he gave Becca in the sacred temple. The Farmer has a hard time answering her question, because she has a valid point.

ASIDE: This is a spoiler-free zone! Please respect this request in the comment section. With that said, out of the three obvious women vying to be the next bachelorette, Kaitlyn certainly conducted herself in a way that would put her in first place before Britt and Carly. On the other hand, a season where Britt could run the show would be AWESOME to say the least. I’d love to see how she would adapt to 25 men! Carly should go on Bachelor Paradise with her brother so they can spy for each other. DISCUSS!

Note #8: I’m not bad. I’m just drawn that way.

Jessica Rabbit

Jade joins The Farmer on stage because she wants to talk with him, not at him from the front row. He forces his line of sight away from her giant knockers and concentrates on her tears. She’s upset that her family ruined her chances for love by revealing that she’s really a wild mustang who can’t be tamed. She whines about how he confessed on his blog that the nudie picture moment was awkward. She wonders why he agreed to the peep show if he wasn’t comfortable. The Farmer can’t say, “Because I’m a dude,” or he will be strung up beside Kelsey after the show. He makes up another answer about how hard it was to kick someone off that night because he was truly falling in love with all of the women. It was a crap shoot really.

That makes everyone feel so much better.

Harrison wraps up the night with a mediocre blooper reel and a teaser for next week’s THREE HOUR finale. He gives himself a quick plug on his new romance novel and bids the viewing audience adieu. The Farmer makes a beeline for Carly so they can hug it out. Did anyone else find that interesting? Who do you think is going to win next week? Did you find it odd that Harrison never talked about how The Farmer found love or proposed? Becca and Whitney weren’t even mentioned! And what was up with The Farmer’s tie?

Sound off in the comments section!

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

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