‘The Bachelor’ Women Tell All: Then they cry before telling some more

The Bachelor Farmer

According to Our Host Chris Harrison, this has been the most shocking season of The Bachelor in 19 seasons. “Shocking” isn’t necessarily the word I would use, but it certainly has been entertaining. With that said, the Women Tell All episode is traditionally 80-percent mind-numbingly boring and 20-percent less boring. Because I respect your time and appreciate your willingness to visit each and every week, I’m going to do my best to sift through the nonsense and give you the CliffsNotes version of the 120 minute trip down Memory Lane. TO THE HOT SEAT!

Note 1: It’s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.

As Harrison reminds the viewers that this is the craziest season ever, the cameras catch a few girls primping in front of the backstage mirror. Kelsey is in a long, green tank dress, trying to make herself look as demure as possible. When she powders her ears, I find myself wondering if this a thing I should know about? Do my ears get shiny?

Jade is in full Jessica Rabbit garb, complete with a skin tight red dress, hoisted boobs and a slit up her thigh that would make Angelina Jolie blush. Ashley I-Lashes goes for a monochromatic look. Her pale lipstick matches her pale dress which accentuates her pale sternum. Even though her gown’s neckline extends far beyond plunging, the magical belly charm does not make an appearance. There will be no free wishes tonight. These girls are ready to show all as they tell all.

The Bachelor Farmer

Note 2: What happens at The Bachelor party, stays at The Bachelor party lives forever on the Internet.

Harrison and The Farmer ride a large bus around Los Angles so they can burst through the doors of “unsuspecting” women hosting Bachelor watching parties. Here’s a list of items you need if you have any chance of OHCH crashing your party during next week’s finale:

  1. You must wear either a plaid flannel shirt or gingham pearl snap.
  2. The flannel must be paired with some sort of denim. The easy choice is jeans, or jean shorts. If you are willing to go above and beyond, try overalls or denim panties.
  3. A crunchy, straw cowboy hat, secured from any number of gas stations, should be worn at all times.
  4. Hay bales should be prevalent.
  5. All appetizers and entrées must have corn as the base ingredient.
  6. Wine and whiskey will flow freely.
  7. There must be at least a handful of women who were born in the early ‘60s willing to not only kiss
  8. The Farmer on the lips, but do it on national television and then giggle about it.
  9. More than half of your watching party needs to be drunk and ready to squeal should Harrison and The Farmer pay a visit.
  10. You need to designate one girl to execute the Jillian Jump and Straddle (trademark pending) when The Farmer walks through the door. Bonus points if she jumps from the couch.
  11. Buy plastic cups. Things are gonna get rowdy.

Note 3: Alright Mr. Fleiss. I’m ready for my close-up.

The Bachelor Farmer

Britt scores the first invitation to the hot seat because she gets everything she’s ever wanted in life and more, including a position in the Solid Gold Dancer reboot, apparently. Three cheers for that gold lamé cocktail dress!

Her first order of business is to look wounded. The second was to ask Carly why she pretended to be her friend when she knew she was crying so much that she had to take the cucumbers out of her own salad to combat eye puffiness? Plus, she totally gave her a list of songs she loved and Carly WROTE THEM IN HER JOURNAL. If that’s not friendship, what is?

Carly is shocked.

Wait. Strike that. It’s just her severely arched eyebrows. Rewind.

Carly is irritated and interrupts Britt’s every fourth word. Everyone begins speaking at once as I begin to rock back and forth, waiting for Harrison to intervene. He watches the drama unfold before him, counting the ratings as they slowly rise. Once Jillian starts doing pushups and Carly takes off her rings, he knows it’s time to take back control and give floor to Jade. She admits she often questioned Britt’s authenticity. Britt’s bottom lip pokes out. Carly reminds everyone that Britt didn’t like Arlington when they were in Arlington, but then miraculously changed her tune.

Suddenly, Jillian decides that the best thing to share with the world at this particular moment was the fact that Carly called her a man.

jim_halpert2

Know your audience Jillian.

Britt wrestles for full focus, announcing that she does want children. Even though she said she didn’t six or seven times, she has a resume full of good deeds that involve her tending to the well-being of children all over the world, for several days in a row in some instances.

Britt uses the word “juxtaposition” twice and Kelsey smiles approvingly, then swirls her chair around to the back row, explaining the definition to Megan. Britt’s face contorts into an ugly cry, yet tears never leave the ducts. She forgives Carly for acting out of a place of pain, and cries invisible tears for the next 10 minutes. Harrison finally lands the plane and thanks her for playing along. She asks him for the name of his agent. He rolls his eyes, sends her back to the front row and takes a sip from his boot flask. NEXT!

Note 4: I’m sorry I called you stupid. I had no idea it was a secret.

The Bachelor Farmer

Kelsey may have felt immeasurably blessed once upon a time, but now she feels like she’s grieving her husband and The Farmer’s rejection all over again. She is able to summon enough tears to request Chris Harrison’s silk pocket square. I hope he never used it. If he did, she now has his DNA and can grow her own Host in a petri dish.

You can tell that Kelsey had prepared for every “Why did you do/say that?” scenario that could ever be thrown her way. She never admits anything herself, but does use context clues (“I see contempt in your faces”) to tell them what they think about her.

She doesn’t understand their perspective, but she does see how her actions could be misinterpreted. Getting one-on-one time with The Farmer was not tactical. Her panic attack was a natural reaction to the stress she was under. She wishes the girls would accept her—warts and all. When Our Host asks her if she thinks she’s better than the other women, Kelsey wisely asks him if there is any way you can properly evaluate humanity?

She’s good.

Someone asks Harrison if they can speak. “Not yet!” he barks. The women are an uneasy brood. Someone sends the ABC Intern to fetch a few pitchforks and fiery clubs. Harrison bats down another request to “say something” in lieu of turning up the tension in the room using his best weapon—silence.

Harrison is fascinated by Kelsey’s ability to walk the line of playing the victim and pseudo-defending her actions. You can tell he’s sizing her up to be the villain in his next romance novel. She continues her soliloquy, blaming heated moments on raw anger. She offers hollow apologies for “anything she may have done.”

Our Host finally lets the women have a go at Kelsey. Batter up!

Juelia: “You’re one of the most calculated people I’ve ever met. As someone who has a tragic story, I would never use it to say I deserved love more than others. This is why you aren’t friends with these people.”

Megan: “If you were still grieving, why did you go on the show? Was it because you’d never flown internationally?”

Drunk Girl: “Why did you say your story was amazing? Can someone get me a Jack and Coke?”

Samantha: “I got sent home that night because of your drama.”

Ashley I-Lashes: “The last person I would want to see me wallowing around on the floor from a panic attack is The Farmer. Of course you’re up here and, where am I again?”

The Bachelor Farmer

OHCH: “Didn’t you bad mouth her too Lashes?”
Ash: “There may have been a little bit.”

We spend the next 10 minutes debating if Kelsey’s husband existed in real life and all I can think about are Jillian’s HUGE earrings. Kelsey wraps up her speech with a nice, tidy bow. She vows that manipulation was never her intention and thanks the show producers for helping her continue to grow and challenge herself by opening her heart again to love. Based on these reactions, no one believes her:

Note #5: How do you like them onions?

The Bachelor Farmer

Melrose is invited to the hot seat and Chris Harrison can’t help but tell her that she is one of his favorite contestant to ever be on the show. She presents him with an onion, talks a little bit how there are real zombies in Mesa Verde and then outs Harrison’s illegal gambling ring.

Harrison: “The first rule of The Bachelor Betting Cub is that we can’t talk about it.”

She admits that she spoke to one cat (not several as reported) but the cat didn’t speak back. She’s not a paid actress who was hired to shake things up. She likes to ride bikes and likes being silly in front of the camera. Oh, and God bless all the pomegranates.

Melrose was on the stage for a total of six minutes, and by the end, Harrison broke all the rules and invited her to be a contestant on Bachelor Paradise. Sure this year’s paradise is Destin, Florida due to budget constraints, but it will still be fun! There’s no confirmation from Melrose because she’s too fascinated that she’s on TV at that moment. Here’s to staying positive and testing negative Melrose! We love you!

Note #6: When the going gets tough, the tough sweat profusely.

Harrison invites The Farmer to the hot seat and once again, Britt is first to score a one-on-one interview. She breaks tradition (THERE ARE NO RULES) by joining him on the stage. Britt embraces The Farmer with the passion of a thousand call-backs. Still hugging. Still hugging. I go to the kitchen to make myself a sandwich and when I come back, they are still hugging. I’m sure his three-month contractually obligated fiancée is loving this moment right now. A fine layer of bronzer and shimmery eyeshadow dust cover his jacket lapel. She grabs his hands, reminds him how much electricity they had together and then forgives him for falling under Carly’s trap like she did.

Note #7: A closed mouth received no foot.

The Bachelor Farmer

Kaitlyn refrains from any temptation to throw gasoline on the fire. She tells The Farmer that she wishes he had extended her the same courtesy as he gave Becca in the sacred temple. The Farmer has a hard time answering her question, because she has a valid point.

ASIDE: This is a spoiler-free zone! Please respect this request in the comment section. With that said, out of the three obvious women vying to be the next bachelorette, Kaitlyn certainly conducted herself in a way that would put her in first place before Britt and Carly. On the other hand, a season where Britt could run the show would be AWESOME to say the least. I’d love to see how she would adapt to 25 men! Carly should go on Bachelor Paradise with her brother so they can spy for each other. DISCUSS!

Note #8: I’m not bad. I’m just drawn that way.

Jessica Rabbit

Jade joins The Farmer on stage because she wants to talk with him, not at him from the front row. He forces his line of sight away from her giant knockers and concentrates on her tears. She’s upset that her family ruined her chances for love by revealing that she’s really a wild mustang who can’t be tamed. She whines about how he confessed on his blog that the nudie picture moment was awkward. She wonders why he agreed to the peep show if he wasn’t comfortable. The Farmer can’t say, “Because I’m a dude,” or he will be strung up beside Kelsey after the show. He makes up another answer about how hard it was to kick someone off that night because he was truly falling in love with all of the women. It was a crap shoot really.

That makes everyone feel so much better.

Harrison wraps up the night with a mediocre blooper reel and a teaser for next week’s THREE HOUR finale. He gives himself a quick plug on his new romance novel and bids the viewing audience adieu. The Farmer makes a beeline for Carly so they can hug it out. Did anyone else find that interesting? Who do you think is going to win next week? Did you find it odd that Harrison never talked about how The Farmer found love or proposed? Becca and Whitney weren’t even mentioned! And what was up with The Farmer’s tie?

Sound off in the comments section!

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

Comments

284 Comments on "‘The Bachelor’ Women Tell All: Then they cry before telling some more"

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Kristin
Kristin

I didn’t like Kaitlyn at first but now I hope she is The Bachelorette. Kelsey-she went into that WTA knowing what was coming at her and I still don’t feel bad for her. She makes Regina George look like a girl scout. Britt has never had a guy not want her and as sweet as is she is, she is still “That Girl” that will always flirt with your boyfriend/husband because they have just been friends for SO LONG.

Favorite line:
Britt embraces The Farmer with the passion of a thousand call-backs. Still hugging. Still hugging. I went to the kitchen to make myself a sandwich and when I come back, they are still hugging.

Jen
Jen

I had the same reaction and thought, “Help us all if Britt is the Bachelorette — the entire 3-hour season premiere will consist only of 25 awkwardly long hugs.” And the rest of the season will consist of her crying. #TeamKaitlyn

Brie
Brie

I just tought this same thing!

beth
beth

How ironic that she tried manipulating Chris once again by saying she forgave or understood that she was sent home because of Carly’s story even as Chris tried to explain that she was sent home because of her behavior on the group date where Kaitlyn got the rose…she tried to talk over him to rewrite the story. She is a very calculating person disguised by the sweet girl persona she portrays. i hope she’s not the next Bachette!

tracy
tracy

exactly. britt has completely and conveniently forgotten that she acted like an immature spoiled brat on that date. it’s easier to blame carly.

RD
RD

I agree, Britt’s used to getting her way most of the time, you can just tell. Yeah, she’s sweet to some of the other girls but that’s only because she doesn’t see them as a threat. She expects to get treated like #1 because she’s probably gotten a lot of attention in the past and thinks the other girls are not as good as her. Also, those were FAKE tears!!! Everything’s an act to get what she wants and in this case it was to make Chris regret that he let her go.

Kat
Kat

That was so disrespectful to whomever he is engaged to. Britt needs to cool it. I would not be surprised if she tried to steal him away/stalked him.

If she’s not acting and hoping to be Bachelorette, she’s a Stage 5 clinger.

Nicole
Nicole

Kristin, YES! I was wondering what about Britt seemed so familiar and gave me the creeps – and you nailed it. She’s totally “that girl”.

That hug, and the awkward hand holding, was so inappropriate. That is now somebody else’s man and somehow she acts like she’s still his number one. UGH.

RD
RD

Yeah, it’s almost like Britt COULDN’T believe that she’s not still in the running! Did she think the show was still going? ha ha

Steph
Steph

Britt is NOT the sweet, innocent person she tries to portray. She’s a manipulative, calculating liar and is incredibly narsissistic and self-absorbed (she tried to make the entire season all about her!). She had an excuse for everything and blamed the other women for her comments and behavior and even got busted on Women Tell All. As she’s headed back to her seat she is clearly fine and composed. When the guy is counting down and gets to 1, meaning cameras about to roll, she starts crying again, clearly unaware that the camera caught her entire act. Britt is not even smart enough to be good at the game of manipulation so I’m not sure how she’s even fooled as many people as she has. Unless they’re below average intelligence, that’s all I can figure.

tracy
tracy

yes! i noticed that he went right to carly and thought that was very interesting. the farmer did *not* look good at the end. i don’t feel like he has much of a poker face, and he looked pretty miserable in the close-up as they were winding up the show.

Debby
Debby

I think he came out of the season with the strongest friendship with Carly. She had his back & I think while there was not a big romantic connection, they will be friends for a long time.

Kat
Kat

Totally agree Debby! That quick, goofy hug he gave her as the show was wrapping up, it seems like they’re friends but not in any way that would be inappropriate to his fiancé.
I really didn’t see a romantic relationship with Carly and Chris. I hope she’s on Bachelor in Paradise and finds a great guy.

Hope
Hope

Great recap as always!
Random thoughts:
-interesting choice of which girls were there; sometimes it’s all of them. Samantha is still mute.
-Britt looked liked she’s been eating a few sandwiches since filming stopped – puffy face. How apparent was it that she was vying for Farmer to change his mind abt her w/that extend-o hug?
-No one has explained the wisdom of ‘less is more’ in the makeup dept to Carly. Nor has she watched ‘how to make hair extensions look authentic’ on You Tube.
-Carly’s portrayal squashed her hopes of being Bachelorette. She should’ve taken the ‘I was just trying to be funny’ stance.
-Kelsey’s sniff, sniffing sounds were like fingernails on a blackboard
-most.boring.bloopers.ever

EmilyE
EmilyE

Clearly the sniffing was an attempt to jump start some tears for authenticity. Didn’t happen.

Jenn
Jenn

^ agreed Emily!

Ashley
Ashley

Samantha did speak! I remember because I got so excited I tweeted about it in all caps.

Amy
Amy

But when Nikki spoke the name underneath her was “Samantha” because they’re the same person.

Ashley
Ashley

Oh man! How did I miss that?!?

Steph
Steph

I thought Samantha was great….I loved her. She’s beautiful and intelligent. Hated to see her go. Maybe she should be the next Bachelorette.

Emily Miller
Emily Miller

Thank you for the sniffle comment. It was the most annoying sound. It was like a yoga forced exhale.

Amd how did Britt gain that much weight in two months?

Kristin
Kristin

Maybe she got a “bun in the oven” at the Big and Rich concert!

RD
RD

Actually, I thought Carly looked okay.

Tricia Davis
Tricia Davis

Fantastic recap as always Lincee! Your recaps are the best part of this train wreck of a show!!! Prince Farming didn’t do a very good job of explaining himself either. I loved how you had time to make a sandwich during the Britt/Farmer hug! LOL! My husband happened to walk through the room at the time, and said “wow…that’s awkward….” Looking forward to your recap next week!

lindamarei
lindamarei

“Britt uses the word “juxtaposition” twice and Kelsey smiles approvingly, then swirls her chair around to the back row, explaining the definition to Megan.”
Classic.

And the first installment of the Lincee Bookclub, which will rival even Oprah- “The Perfect Letter,” by OHCH.

Kris
Kris

Fabulous idea! I’ve suggested a book club to Lincee before but didn’t get a nibble 🙂

I think it would be fun! And OCHS’s book would be a hilarious (and I suspect mindless) place to start.

Sign me up!

Linda Smith
Linda Smith

I’m in for the book club!

CL
CL

me too!

Tanya T.
Tanya T.

Sign me up for the book club! I’m reading Sean Lowe’s book right now so can go from one Bachelor book to another!

Sherrine
Sherrine

I’m in! Let’s do this.

Jackie
Jackie

I am SO in!!

Brooke
Brooke

Book club yes!!!

Tammi
Tammi

For a truly memorable Bachelorette season…Melrose!! Could you imagine all that crazy as the lead?!?! It would be entertaining, but she could end up choosing a cat instead of one of the men. “What are you??”

On a serious note, Kaitlyn could be a good choice. She likes to have fun and isn’t into all the drama like Britt. I think watching Britt fake cry on a weekly basis would get old quickly.

Tara
Tara

OMG, Melrose as Bach’ette? I wouldn’t be able to tear my eyes from the screen! But…I wonder if they could even get 25 guys to sign up.

EmilyApple
EmilyApple

Hilarious as always, Lincee!

Favorite line:
“[Kelsey] is able to summon enough tears to request Chris Harrison’s silk pocket square. I hope he never used it. If he did, she now has his DNA and can grow her own Host in a petri dish.”

As much as I don’t like Kelsey, I do not blame her for asking for a tissue. Why don’t they have tissues available??

Britt was insufferable, and so mean to Carly when she was talking with the Farmer. Maybe that’s why the Farmer went straight to Carly?

Carly is still my favorite and I would love to see her as Bachelorette! However, she didn’t get the hotseat, which makes me think she’s not being considered. My guess is that Kaitlyn will be the next Bachelorette. I like Kaitlyn a lot too so I’d be happy with her!

Steph
Steph

I love Carly! Britt tried to do her damndest to make Carly the villain simply because Carly is smart and honest and called Britt out on her lies and manipulation. Anyone with a thought in their head should be able to see the game Britt tried to play. She even tried to talk over Chris when he was saying it had nothing to do with Carly but was Britt’s nasty behavior on the group date that did her in. Britt is beyond annoying. She will never take accountability for her own actions. Classic narsissist. It’s always someone else’s fault or they heard her wrong. I can’t imagine dealing with her in real life.

Emily
Emily

I think that by the time Carly was eliminated she had put herself so thoroughly in the friend zone that Chris was excited to see someone who wasn’t mad at him or about to ask him any of those hard questions that seem to make him lose all ability to form a coherent sentence.

At this point, after all those dramatics, there is no chance Carly or Britt will be Bachelorette. It has to be Kaitlyn.

Favorite line: She is able to summon enough tears to request Chris Harrison’s silk pocket square. I hope he never used it. If he did, she now has his DNA and can grow her own Host in a petri dish.

Hilarious!

Lisa
Lisa

This was my favorite line, too, and I got the Big Bang reference and loved it! Now all she needs is a healthy ovum…
Also, loved the line about sending the intern for a few pitchforks and fiery clubs!

delyla
delyla

Britt uses the word “juxtaposition” twice and Kelsey smiles approvingly, then swirls her chair around to the back row, explaining the definition to Megan.
or
You can tell he’s sizing her up to be the villain in his next romance novel.
or
I went to the kitchen to make myself a sandwich and when I come back, they are still hugging.

All 3 through brought LOL moments!!! Great job Lincee!

I have no votes for this bachelorette. Carly is the mean girl, that is forever in the friend zone.
Britt is the whiny girl – secretly applying for any acting job she can get.
Kaitlyn is a potty mouth but would be entertaining – however, she is the girl who will quickly fall into the friend zone with all the guys.

Julie

It’s so much more fun to read your recaps than to actually watch the show.

This line killed me: “Once Jillian starts doing pushups and Carly takes off her rings, he knows it’s time to take back control and give floor to Jade.” Hello Fight Club!

CL
CL

yea, she surprised me with how much anger she displayed. Kinda scary.

baseballmama
baseballmama

roid rage. haha

Kristin
Kristin

Good one baseballmama!

Jackie
Jackie

That’s exactly what I was thinking! 🙂

Tracy K.
Tracy K.

I love your line about getting a sandwich while waiting for Britt’s hug to stop. It went on forever! I don’t care what she says, she and the Farmer were not meant to be.

I really liked Carly up until the end. She passed a line from funny to mean. Of course we’re only getting part of the picture.

In the end I don’t feel like I learned any more than I knew going in!

beth
beth

i liked Carly; she was funny and reminded me of Michelle Money’s type of humor.
Overall this was a group of mean girls who were so loud and disrespectful, constantly interrupting and trying to talk over each other.
Britt reinforced how fake she is and that super long hug was ridiculous.
i think Kelsey was trying to explain herself and the girls wouldn’t even try to listen and forgive. Maybe if they had experienced a tragedy like losing a spouse they would’ve been able to show some compassion.

Liz
Liz

Ew, don’t compare Carly to Michelle Money. If anything, Britt is more like Michelle! (Must be center of attention, angry outbursts with the Bachelor, etc.) I’ve never heard Michelle say anything funny, just rude and aggressive. (Then again I never saw her on Bachelor Pad, just Brad’s season and BIP.)

Kate
Kate

“Because I’m a dude” hahaha, so true . I’m not sure what Jade was hoping to gain from that conversation.

I feel for Carly because I appreciate that she calls it like she sees it but she came across so bitter and sad last night. Then the farmer went straight to her after the show! Interesting. Maybe he will pull an ultra Mesnic and go for Carly!

EmilyE
EmilyE

Jade admitted that SHE felt awkward, so why is it outrageous that FarmBoy did too? Plus, she said she posed for Playboy; you figure it’s going to be a couple of pictures, but no, it’s VIDEO too. Eww!!

Megan
Megan

I agree, the video is where it crossed the line for Farmer. It’s one thing to see still photos of your girl showing her stuff. You can imagine it as a moment in time, a poor choice, something she was pressured to do. But the video, where she calls herself “Jade Elizabeth” (sorry but that’s a stripper/adult film star name if I ever heard one) and then talks and saunters around around and strips down slowly, knowing dudes the world over PAID to watch this same thing from their basements… that changes things for any guy. Hard to get that out of your mind when she’s walking down the aisle toward you.

Liz
Liz

Plus there’s the problem of “what would his family think?” Or that if he picked her, other guys can watch videos of his wife naked anytime they want. That’s messed up.

I don’t feel sorry for Jade. She made a stupid decision to sell herself and she’s living with the consequences. She shouldn’t be EXPECTING anyone to be okay with that. I hope she finds someone, but she can’t hold her stupid actions against Chris.

Laurie
Laurie

Totally noticed his tie too! Glad you did as well!

Britt milked her 15 minutes WAY too long! I don’t think she was trying to be fake. I think she honestly convinced herself of all the lies she told. She was more in love with the idea of love than she was with Chris.

Megan
Megan

I agree. I don’t think Britt is malicious or a calculating liar. I just think she’s a young girl who doesn’t yet know what she wants, and she was trying to talk herself into loving Chris and wanting that life.

Julie
Julie

Agreed!

ChrisP
ChrisP

First comment this season, Lincee — you killed this one!

I agree wholeheartedly with the favorite lines already listed, and here’s mine:

“Even though she said she didn’t six or seven times, she has a resume full of good deeds that involve her tending to the well-being of children all over the world, for several days in a row in some instances.”

Fame not shame,

ChrisP

L
L

That was such a great recap!!! Jessica Rabbit is so right on, and yes it is SO strange that they never mentioned Becca or Whitney!!! I vote Kaitlyn for the next Bachelorette. Britt’s too in love with herself, Carly is too much drama, and Kaitlyn is entertaining and hilarious!