‘The Bachelorette’ finale recap: Gosling vs. Nick

funny bachelorette recap-Bachelorette Kaitlyn

There were tears. There was an overwhelming sense of ickyness. There was an impeccable host in a pink shirt. And at the end of the day, there was the bachelorette standing next to a man near a swimming pool with royal blue water.

Kaitlyn made her choice. Skinny jeans are not in her future.

As he always does, Gosling got the girl. The girl got the wraparound porch with blue shutters and a room out back where she can paint. And Nick was left with a commemorative silver metal and a soapbox he could use to defend his actions while his adolescent sister watched crying in the corner.

Quite honestly, I would feel good about ending the recap here, but I know you are craving more than an obligatory opening paragraph exploiting the franchise’s most dramatic season in the history of ever. Because you are the best readers, I will raise a glass and use its contents to help me cobble together some sort of recap that enthralls and entertains you.

I will admit that I did devour six York Peppermint Patties while waiting to see who got out of the limo first. Other than the unexpected sugar rush and laughing at the dog which barked the entire time Kaitlyn was dumping Nick, I was easily distracted by three hours of repetition.

Moving on!

Kaitlyn launches into the final stages of her journey by announcing to her family that she is in love with her remaining two suitors and, oh yeah, they hate each other. When she told her mom and sister that one of the two dudes was Nick, it elicited this reaction:

funny bachelorette recap-Bachelorette Kaitlyn 3

A. I love her sister.
B. Kaitlyn’s mom looks like Joan Collins, which means I love her too.

Right off the bat, Kaitlyn’s mom is hesitant about Nick. She watched his season and knows that he handled himself poorly by throwing Andi under the bus telling everyone in America that they made love!

Whoopsie.

Kaitlyn interrupts her mother with some important news—she and Nick were intimate. PS: The other suitor knows. And so does Chris Harrison. And all the handlers. And definitely the sound people. And all of North America. Even the people who hid behind their couch cushions.

Instead of chastising her daughter on a national stage, Kaitllyn’s mom puts on her best Alexis Carrington face and praises her for being honest with everyone. Then she excused herself to make some important calls to ColbyCo before meeting bachelor No. 1.

Nick arrives looking like he sprained his liver the night before. It’s the only explanation for his wardrobe choice. The v-neck and skinny jeans were obviously invited to the ensemble, but the dingy, untucked, denim shirt was a huge question mark for me. That coupled with the wayward hair and “I’m too lazy to either trim it or shave it” beard was not the look I would go for when trying to impress Joan and the rest of the in-laws.

It’s obvious that the family felt the same way I did, because they didn’t even make room for him on the couch. He was wedged into the side with one butt cheek hanging off. Fortunately, he didn’t forget his hipster bracelets. I know this small detail because his hands were in front of his mouth the entire time he told the story about how he crashed The Bachelorette filming by pretending to be a big fan of random comedy clubs in New York City.

Alexis Colby isn’t happy. She has no problem telling Nick that he was possessive, jealous and arrogant. She wants to know what her daughter sees in him? Because it’s definitely not his fashion sense.

Nick explains to Joan Collins that Kaitlyn is more emotional with him than anyone else. And for the entire time he’s known her (I will generously give him two months), he just can’t get enough. He turns it on big time by tapping into the waterworks. He tells Joan that he’s in love with her daughter, and if Kaitlyn will have him, he’s going to ask her to marry him. HUGE crocodile tears start falling all down his face and nose. I imagine he had to think of some really sad things to become so emotional so fast. For example, not being able to find charcoal grey Converse in his size, or Harrison not asking him to be in his entourage, or Andi laughing her head off when he comes in second place again.

Whatever he does, it works like a charm after Nick asks Joan’s permission to marry Kaitlyn. She says yes, because a platinum American Express and a good haircut can go a long way. Nick is not a lost cause.

The next day, the entire family shows up wearing complimentary outfits. My guess is that they are all going to do beach photos for their 2015 Christmas cards. Hey, if ABC is going to give them a free trip to Malibu, they might as well make the most of it, right?

Gosling arrives in respectable man clothes with a bouquet of flowers and a jar of either tomato sauce or maraschino cherries. I was too lazy to rewind and see for sure. He tells the story about how he watched The Farmer dump Kaitlyn. He took a picture of her rejection, drew a heart around it and sent it to his friends with the message, “Don’t worry. I’m coming for you.”

The family swoons. Joan, in a white denim jacket with a popped collar, definitely approves. But she wants to make sure Gosling is not a jealous fella. She heard about his rumble with Nick in Ireland. Everyone is drawn to Kaitlyn and she wants to make sure he can handle that. Gosling promises it won’t be a problem. Then Joan decides she wants me to take up permanent residence behind my couch by asking him, “What about the time she shagged Nick?”

What doesn’t kill you (or give you an STD) makes you stronger. That’s Gosling’s motto and his sticking to it. If you’re a bird, I’m a bird and all that jazz.

FINAL ONE-ON-ONE DATES

Kaitlyn waits for Nick to arrive on what looks like the rejection dinghy. They catamaran around Marina del Ray for the afternoon. They talk about how this is the end. She sticks her finger in his mouth. Odd. I check a text from my mom telling me her phone is in the attic, which is odd since she texting me from it. They begin making out because that’s what they do best. The ABC Intern never brought her a bobby pin for the flyaway hair. I guess he was too busy collecting big jars and golf balls.

That night, Nick puts on an actual shirt that is colorful. He unbuttons it in a way that says, “I’ll make you bacon for breakfast like last time.” I noticed he had an evening version of his bracelets. They were dark and mysterious—like the night.

He leads Kaitlyn to the bedroom and I yell, “TURN OFF YOUR MICROPHONES THIS TIME.” Instead of hanky panky, he hands her a double frame with a picture on one side and a hand-written poem on the other. She pretends to love it while secretly thinking that a snapshot of Gosling in his long underwear would look great on the left side.

funny bachelorette recap-Bachelorette Kaitlyn 2

The next day, Kaitlyn meets Gosling out in a meadow to drink some wine. The date begins awkwardly since Kaitlyn refuses to talk about how awkward things are at the moment. Gosling is one step away from taking her arrowhead necklace and shoving it into his carotid artery to make the bad thoughts disappear. Instead, he chugs the wine while she rambles about nothing.

The evening is a little better, but there’s a disturbing undertone. Kaitlyn incessantly combs his leg hair with her fingers. While laughing hysterically, I become concerned that this behavior warrants a call to the ABC Psychotherapist. It must have been a nervous tick, because she starts interrogating Gosling.

Kaitlyn: I’m nervous about you watching the show. It’s going to be tough.
Lincee: With a boink, boink here, and a boink, boink there…
Kaitlyn: It’s going to be hard. Really hard.
Lincee: Here a boink. There a boink. Everywhere a boink, boink.
Gosling: I’ll just call you and say, “I can’t believe you made out with Joe.”

Oh Kentucky Joe. You’ll go far in Paradise, my friend.

Both guys pick out rings from Uncle Neil. Fortunately for Nick, Neil Lane the person was on the other side of the door instead of a disheartened bachelorette this go around.

Is “fortunately” the right word in this scenario?

The trio take their time getting dressed for the big day. I take my time pausing to watch Gosling drink his coffee shirtless on the balcony. Everyone buttons, tucks and musks up before hopping in their limos. Kaitlyn arrives first in a nude dress that is surprisingly not transparent. She wastes no time pow-wowing with Our Host. It’s time to break a heart. Well, it’s time to listen to a prepared speech and then break a heart before Nick gets one knee dirty on the freshly sprayed proposal staging area.

Nick pours out his feelings, confident that Kaitlyn is going to accept his ring due to the fact that he put his wand in her chamber of secrets. This goes on for 47 minutes. Or four to seven minutes. Same difference. He pulls out the ring and she finally stops him. She wants him to know that she does love him—but she loves someone else more. No offense?

Wrong. Offense taken. A lot of offense taken in fact. Nick is the first person to ever argue with the rejectee on the proposal pedestal brought to you by Home Depot. If she truly loved him, they wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.

Nick: I don’t need to hear how you love me. I heard it this whole time.
Kait: Don’t question or doubt it!
Nick: You took things from me!

I bet she took a pair of skinny jeans. Is it more embarrassing for Nick to admit that she can fit into his jeans? Or for all of North America to know that Kaitlyn wears the same size as Nick? So sad.

Kaitlyn walks Nick to the car where they have another conversation about feelings and difficult decisions. He gives her a halfhearted hug and scrambles into the rejection limo. He dramatically takes out the engagement ring and tosses it to the producers sitting across from him. Then he does the same with the promise ring he purchased in Ireland. Those two items will be up for bid at Mike Fleiss’ next celebrity Bachelor auction, benefiting those associated with the franchise whose 15 minutes of fame have recently expired.

Gosling makes his way to the proposal area. No he does not care that this is the first season that the final rose ceremony hasn’t been in an exotic location. All he cares about his his woman. His speech was as predictable as mullets at NASCAR. Kaitlyn cried. So did I because I was really tired and my stomach hurt from all of the York Peppermint Patties. Finally Gosling drops to one knee and slides the ginormous rock on a very important finger.

I’m rooting for Team Gosling! Also, I give it 100 days.

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE

Harrison introduces Kaitlyn and Gosling for the first time as an official couple. They hop on stage and make out right in front of Nick’s entire family sitting on the front row. How charming!

Kaitlyn’s dress is a take on the classic look made famous by many Kardashians: short, tight and white. Her signature slit is down the front, displaying all sorts of sternum. It looked like the same incision I made on a fetal pig in high school biology class. I scored a perfect grade on that test by the way.

She compares the day to Christmas morning and tells Harrison that she is excited to get up and go to Starbucks like a normal person. Gosling pipes in, “Or Dunkin’ Donuts.” Before we can witness their first argument as a public entity, Kaitlyn hastily gives a shout out to Tim Horton’s—Canada’s coffee conglomerate. It’s aboot time she gives props to her Canadian roots, eh?

Kaitlyn is so excited to finally have a ring on it, that she has completely blocked out the other two times she could have been engaged. Harrison becomes bored with the happy couple and decides to bring Nick out to the hot seat.

You know I love Our Host Chris Harrison, but SWEET LORD MAKE HIM STOP TALKING! Nick was interviewed for the majority of the show. Harrison wanted to know every detail about his pre-existing relationship with Kaitlyn. Nick dances around the questions and tries to pull pity from the audience by embracing his family and weeping baby sister.

To get him back, Harrison invites Gosling to the stage. Neither of the guys look at each other. Harrison pokes each with a stick and becomes very frustrated when one does not challenge the other to a duel right then and there. Gosling announces that he is not a jealous person. Nick announces that he is not a d-bag. Both agree to disagree.

Gosling admits that he was annoyed that the entire season revolved around this rivalry with Nick. He wishes the show had been more about the amazing journey. He knew Kaitlyn had connections with other guys, including his boy Peter Brady.

Gosling: Peter Brady is one of my best friends. I knew he had a connection with Kaitlyn, but I respected him. Especially when he went to take a shower and I got to third base with Kaitlyn.

Harrison sends Goslings back to stew in his mature emotions. He beckons Kaitlyn to the hot seat and forces us to re-live the breakup we just experienced in real-time 20 minutes before. FOR THE LOVE, HARRISON! LAND THE PLANE ALREADY!

Nick straight up asks Kaitlyn why she let him ramble on about their love and perfect future together. Didn’t she know that he wasn’t the one before that moment? Why not cut the cord and let him leave with some dignity in his comfortable shoes and v-neck? Kaitlyn apologizes and begs Chris Harrison to bring her fiancé back out. Since everyone in the world had either turned the channel or gone off to bed, Harrison obliges. Kaitlyn and Gosling reunite on stage, happy and excited to start the ABC-affiliated talk show circuit.

In other news, break out the Germ Squirt people, because Bachelor in Paradise starts THIS SUNDAY! And Monday. For the rest of our lives. Lord help us.

funny bachelorette recap-Bachelorette Kaitlyn

Can you handle the tears? Can you handle the rejection? Can you handle the fake relationships?

Please join me. I don’t think I can do it without you!

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