‘The Bachelorette’ finale recap: Gosling vs. Nick

funny bachelorette recap-Bachelorette Kaitlyn

There were tears. There was an overwhelming sense of ickyness. There was an impeccable host in a pink shirt. And at the end of the day, there was the bachelorette standing next to a man near a swimming pool with royal blue water.

Kaitlyn made her choice. Skinny jeans are not in her future.

As he always does, Gosling got the girl. The girl got the wraparound porch with blue shutters and a room out back where she can paint. And Nick was left with a commemorative silver metal and a soapbox he could use to defend his actions while his adolescent sister watched crying in the corner.

Quite honestly, I would feel good about ending the recap here, but I know you are craving more than an obligatory opening paragraph exploiting the franchise’s most dramatic season in the history of ever. Because you are the best readers, I will raise a glass and use its contents to help me cobble together some sort of recap that enthralls and entertains you.

I will admit that I did devour six York Peppermint Patties while waiting to see who got out of the limo first. Other than the unexpected sugar rush and laughing at the dog which barked the entire time Kaitlyn was dumping Nick, I was easily distracted by three hours of repetition.

Moving on!

Kaitlyn launches into the final stages of her journey by announcing to her family that she is in love with her remaining two suitors and, oh yeah, they hate each other. When she told her mom and sister that one of the two dudes was Nick, it elicited this reaction:

funny bachelorette recap-Bachelorette Kaitlyn 3

A. I love her sister.
B. Kaitlyn’s mom looks like Joan Collins, which means I love her too.

Right off the bat, Kaitlyn’s mom is hesitant about Nick. She watched his season and knows that he handled himself poorly by throwing Andi under the bus telling everyone in America that they made love!

Whoopsie.

Kaitlyn interrupts her mother with some important news—she and Nick were intimate. PS: The other suitor knows. And so does Chris Harrison. And all the handlers. And definitely the sound people. And all of North America. Even the people who hid behind their couch cushions.

Instead of chastising her daughter on a national stage, Kaitllyn’s mom puts on her best Alexis Carrington face and praises her for being honest with everyone. Then she excused herself to make some important calls to ColbyCo before meeting bachelor No. 1.

Nick arrives looking like he sprained his liver the night before. It’s the only explanation for his wardrobe choice. The v-neck and skinny jeans were obviously invited to the ensemble, but the dingy, untucked, denim shirt was a huge question mark for me. That coupled with the wayward hair and “I’m too lazy to either trim it or shave it” beard was not the look I would go for when trying to impress Joan and the rest of the in-laws.

It’s obvious that the family felt the same way I did, because they didn’t even make room for him on the couch. He was wedged into the side with one butt cheek hanging off. Fortunately, he didn’t forget his hipster bracelets. I know this small detail because his hands were in front of his mouth the entire time he told the story about how he crashed The Bachelorette filming by pretending to be a big fan of random comedy clubs in New York City.

Alexis Colby isn’t happy. She has no problem telling Nick that he was possessive, jealous and arrogant. She wants to know what her daughter sees in him? Because it’s definitely not his fashion sense.

Nick explains to Joan Collins that Kaitlyn is more emotional with him than anyone else. And for the entire time he’s known her (I will generously give him two months), he just can’t get enough. He turns it on big time by tapping into the waterworks. He tells Joan that he’s in love with her daughter, and if Kaitlyn will have him, he’s going to ask her to marry him. HUGE crocodile tears start falling all down his face and nose. I imagine he had to think of some really sad things to become so emotional so fast. For example, not being able to find charcoal grey Converse in his size, or Harrison not asking him to be in his entourage, or Andi laughing her head off when he comes in second place again.

Whatever he does, it works like a charm after Nick asks Joan’s permission to marry Kaitlyn. She says yes, because a platinum American Express and a good haircut can go a long way. Nick is not a lost cause.

The next day, the entire family shows up wearing complimentary outfits. My guess is that they are all going to do beach photos for their 2015 Christmas cards. Hey, if ABC is going to give them a free trip to Malibu, they might as well make the most of it, right?

Gosling arrives in respectable man clothes with a bouquet of flowers and a jar of either tomato sauce or maraschino cherries. I was too lazy to rewind and see for sure. He tells the story about how he watched The Farmer dump Kaitlyn. He took a picture of her rejection, drew a heart around it and sent it to his friends with the message, “Don’t worry. I’m coming for you.”

The family swoons. Joan, in a white denim jacket with a popped collar, definitely approves. But she wants to make sure Gosling is not a jealous fella. She heard about his rumble with Nick in Ireland. Everyone is drawn to Kaitlyn and she wants to make sure he can handle that. Gosling promises it won’t be a problem. Then Joan decides she wants me to take up permanent residence behind my couch by asking him, “What about the time she shagged Nick?”

What doesn’t kill you (or give you an STD) makes you stronger. That’s Gosling’s motto and his sticking to it. If you’re a bird, I’m a bird and all that jazz.

FINAL ONE-ON-ONE DATES

Kaitlyn waits for Nick to arrive on what looks like the rejection dinghy. They catamaran around Marina del Ray for the afternoon. They talk about how this is the end. She sticks her finger in his mouth. Odd. I check a text from my mom telling me her phone is in the attic, which is odd since she texting me from it. They begin making out because that’s what they do best. The ABC Intern never brought her a bobby pin for the flyaway hair. I guess he was too busy collecting big jars and golf balls.

That night, Nick puts on an actual shirt that is colorful. He unbuttons it in a way that says, “I’ll make you bacon for breakfast like last time.” I noticed he had an evening version of his bracelets. They were dark and mysterious—like the night.

He leads Kaitlyn to the bedroom and I yell, “TURN OFF YOUR MICROPHONES THIS TIME.” Instead of hanky panky, he hands her a double frame with a picture on one side and a hand-written poem on the other. She pretends to love it while secretly thinking that a snapshot of Gosling in his long underwear would look great on the left side.

funny bachelorette recap-Bachelorette Kaitlyn 2

The next day, Kaitlyn meets Gosling out in a meadow to drink some wine. The date begins awkwardly since Kaitlyn refuses to talk about how awkward things are at the moment. Gosling is one step away from taking her arrowhead necklace and shoving it into his carotid artery to make the bad thoughts disappear. Instead, he chugs the wine while she rambles about nothing.

The evening is a little better, but there’s a disturbing undertone. Kaitlyn incessantly combs his leg hair with her fingers. While laughing hysterically, I become concerned that this behavior warrants a call to the ABC Psychotherapist. It must have been a nervous tick, because she starts interrogating Gosling.

Kaitlyn: I’m nervous about you watching the show. It’s going to be tough.
Lincee: With a boink, boink here, and a boink, boink there…
Kaitlyn: It’s going to be hard. Really hard.
Lincee: Here a boink. There a boink. Everywhere a boink, boink.
Gosling: I’ll just call you and say, “I can’t believe you made out with Joe.”

Oh Kentucky Joe. You’ll go far in Paradise, my friend.

Both guys pick out rings from Uncle Neil. Fortunately for Nick, Neil Lane the person was on the other side of the door instead of a disheartened bachelorette this go around.

Is “fortunately” the right word in this scenario?

The trio take their time getting dressed for the big day. I take my time pausing to watch Gosling drink his coffee shirtless on the balcony. Everyone buttons, tucks and musks up before hopping in their limos. Kaitlyn arrives first in a nude dress that is surprisingly not transparent. She wastes no time pow-wowing with Our Host. It’s time to break a heart. Well, it’s time to listen to a prepared speech and then break a heart before Nick gets one knee dirty on the freshly sprayed proposal staging area.

Nick pours out his feelings, confident that Kaitlyn is going to accept his ring due to the fact that he put his wand in her chamber of secrets. This goes on for 47 minutes. Or four to seven minutes. Same difference. He pulls out the ring and she finally stops him. She wants him to know that she does love him—but she loves someone else more. No offense?

Wrong. Offense taken. A lot of offense taken in fact. Nick is the first person to ever argue with the rejectee on the proposal pedestal brought to you by Home Depot. If she truly loved him, they wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.

Nick: I don’t need to hear how you love me. I heard it this whole time.
Kait: Don’t question or doubt it!
Nick: You took things from me!

I bet she took a pair of skinny jeans. Is it more embarrassing for Nick to admit that she can fit into his jeans? Or for all of North America to know that Kaitlyn wears the same size as Nick? So sad.

Kaitlyn walks Nick to the car where they have another conversation about feelings and difficult decisions. He gives her a halfhearted hug and scrambles into the rejection limo. He dramatically takes out the engagement ring and tosses it to the producers sitting across from him. Then he does the same with the promise ring he purchased in Ireland. Those two items will be up for bid at Mike Fleiss’ next celebrity Bachelor auction, benefiting those associated with the franchise whose 15 minutes of fame have recently expired.

Gosling makes his way to the proposal area. No he does not care that this is the first season that the final rose ceremony hasn’t been in an exotic location. All he cares about his his woman. His speech was as predictable as mullets at NASCAR. Kaitlyn cried. So did I because I was really tired and my stomach hurt from all of the York Peppermint Patties. Finally Gosling drops to one knee and slides the ginormous rock on a very important finger.

I’m rooting for Team Gosling! Also, I give it 100 days.

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE

Harrison introduces Kaitlyn and Gosling for the first time as an official couple. They hop on stage and make out right in front of Nick’s entire family sitting on the front row. How charming!

Kaitlyn’s dress is a take on the classic look made famous by many Kardashians: short, tight and white. Her signature slit is down the front, displaying all sorts of sternum. It looked like the same incision I made on a fetal pig in high school biology class. I scored a perfect grade on that test by the way.

She compares the day to Christmas morning and tells Harrison that she is excited to get up and go to Starbucks like a normal person. Gosling pipes in, “Or Dunkin’ Donuts.” Before we can witness their first argument as a public entity, Kaitlyn hastily gives a shout out to Tim Horton’s—Canada’s coffee conglomerate. It’s aboot time she gives props to her Canadian roots, eh?

Kaitlyn is so excited to finally have a ring on it, that she has completely blocked out the other two times she could have been engaged. Harrison becomes bored with the happy couple and decides to bring Nick out to the hot seat.

You know I love Our Host Chris Harrison, but SWEET LORD MAKE HIM STOP TALKING! Nick was interviewed for the majority of the show. Harrison wanted to know every detail about his pre-existing relationship with Kaitlyn. Nick dances around the questions and tries to pull pity from the audience by embracing his family and weeping baby sister.

To get him back, Harrison invites Gosling to the stage. Neither of the guys look at each other. Harrison pokes each with a stick and becomes very frustrated when one does not challenge the other to a duel right then and there. Gosling announces that he is not a jealous person. Nick announces that he is not a d-bag. Both agree to disagree.

Gosling admits that he was annoyed that the entire season revolved around this rivalry with Nick. He wishes the show had been more about the amazing journey. He knew Kaitlyn had connections with other guys, including his boy Peter Brady.

Gosling: Peter Brady is one of my best friends. I knew he had a connection with Kaitlyn, but I respected him. Especially when he went to take a shower and I got to third base with Kaitlyn.

Harrison sends Goslings back to stew in his mature emotions. He beckons Kaitlyn to the hot seat and forces us to re-live the breakup we just experienced in real-time 20 minutes before. FOR THE LOVE, HARRISON! LAND THE PLANE ALREADY!

Nick straight up asks Kaitlyn why she let him ramble on about their love and perfect future together. Didn’t she know that he wasn’t the one before that moment? Why not cut the cord and let him leave with some dignity in his comfortable shoes and v-neck? Kaitlyn apologizes and begs Chris Harrison to bring her fiancé back out. Since everyone in the world had either turned the channel or gone off to bed, Harrison obliges. Kaitlyn and Gosling reunite on stage, happy and excited to start the ABC-affiliated talk show circuit.

In other news, break out the Germ Squirt people, because Bachelor in Paradise starts THIS SUNDAY! And Monday. For the rest of our lives. Lord help us.

funny bachelorette recap-Bachelorette Kaitlyn

Can you handle the tears? Can you handle the rejection? Can you handle the fake relationships?

Please join me. I don’t think I can do it without you!

Comments

176 Comments on "‘The Bachelorette’ finale recap: Gosling vs. Nick"

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Laura Jean

Had to hold this spoiler back the whole season:

The snapchat debacle was real. Oy vey…

Laura Jean

Also, I disappointingly ended up reading something that talked about Reality Steve originally saying that Kaitlyn picked no one. Did anyone else see that?

Kristin
Kristin

I saw that. He made the correction a month or so ago.

Amanda
Amanda

Yeah i read RS he admitted he was wrong about that. It wouldn’t have surprised me if she had picked nobody but with crafty editing what do we really know after watching?

Saggleo
Saggleo

That’s what I saw. She picked no one. Nick is a jackwagon. Ugh. Hope this is the last time he’s on tv. Let go of the 15mins dude

Richard Beaverton

Did RS ever write a story about how much Nick and Shawn enjoy being eskimo brothers?

Lincee

Thanks for holding back the spoiler Laura Jean!

Rosie
Rosie

I hope you are going to explain why Nick’s poor parents were front row for the whole entire show!!!! They even stood up at the end for hugs with Kaitlyn & Shawn. And the facial expressions when she was talking to Nick. Wow!! It was like she hated him?!?!? My brain hurts after those 3 hours!!

JB
JB

I agree. I thought how odd Nick’s family (and little sisters) were there. Isn’t this show a bit too ‘adult’ for those kids?

Richard Beaverton

I just hope Nick’s parents are as proud as Katilyn’s about Nick and Shawn being eskimo brothers.

Sea Jay

Was Kaitlyn’s family there? That would have been more appropriate. Or Gosling’s? What did they say to Bella? Want to cry on TV one more time?

Outdid yourself Lincee, didn’t want the recap to end!

Amanda V.

Totally agree – Why was she being so smug with him!? I felt he and Shawn at least had a decent convo. And then she came out there and was just plain weird! I don’t get it!

There’s a conspiracy theory out there that my sister showed me…

It’s a VERY interesting read…..

http://www.glamour.com/entertainment/blogs/obsessed/2015/07/bachelorette-kaitlyn-coverup?utm_source=zergnet.com&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=zergnet_625725&mbid=synd_zergnet

Lincee

I have no idea why there were invited! How awkward and sad! My brain hurts too, Rosie!

TomServaux
TomServaux

Those weren’t just maraschino cherries — those were Ole Smoky Moonshine Cherries…

OMG
OMG

GASP! Really? Lucky ducks.

Lincee

Good to know TomServaux!

Kim
Kim

Hysterical recap of the hysteria! My favorite lines: FOR THE LOVE, HARRISON! LAND THE PLANE ALREADY!

Lincee

Thanks Kim!

Karen C
Karen C

I swear, if I heard “pre-existing relationship” one more time I was going to fashion my own arrowhead to jab in my jugular.

K’s sister is darling.

Why on EARTH was Baby Bella there? This show is entirely too adult for a little girl.

Christine
Christine

I agree, Karen C. The producers couldn’t force Nick’s parents to bring that poor little girl to the show. They have a large family. Someone could have taken care of her. A case of: No Common Sense!

Ruby
Ruby

Amen. Harrison pushed the stupid “pre existing relationship” thing really hard.
I was done.
I was also done with the not so nice looks Kaitlyn had on her face during the talk with Nick. I felt bad for the guy and thought he made a good point about how she handled the breakup. I thought Gosling also behaved like a chach when he could have buried the hatchet in a gentlemanly fashion.
And what is it with these beards?

Lincee

Baby Bella is probably negotiating a contract to be on some tween version of The Bachelorette. Fleiss would be all over that…

Margo
Margo

For the love of statement rings. OY did that drag that out. No wonder they didn’t fly to an exotic locale. So, the accidental clip of her and Gosling was real. nbd, like Lincee said, give it 100 days, or until new Fall tv shows start and they don’t need to plug a new bach.franchise show.
We KNEW she’d put a ring on it, as she came out without a statement ring.
After Party. Kait kept fussing with her hair,and i hate the split part, nothing in back only front. wth? Nice straightening of your temporary new ring, so Nick got a good shot of it as you adjusted it on your knee. Just like Christmas, this ‘love” will last till the next holiday then end. And Neil gets it $150k rock back.

Lincee

That was a HUGE statement ring! Good call Margo!

Susan
Susan

For the first time in this franchise I couldn’t last until the end and went to sleep before the proposal, just like you said, Lincee. Boredom? Disgust? Battle fatigue? Thanks for encapsulating the stuff I just couldn’t go through again. The next 100 days will be short and sweet before they have “the ultimate respect for each other” as singles. Still, I’ll be there with you at BIP to try again, but I predict the disgust factor will be higher.
Thanks for the entertainment, Lincee. You’re better than the show itself.

jackie
jackie

And Susan – I completely agree – Lincee is so much better than the actual show 🙂

Saggleo
Saggleo

Seriously…Lincee should be getting cut of the profits for this mess of a show!

Lincee

You are right Susan. BIP is going to be HORRENDOUS! I can’t wait.

jackie
jackie

Lincee – seriously some of your best work. This recap was so on point. I only sort of watched last night, but I was appalled to see Nick’s little sister front and center last night. #parentingfail

I am so glad that season is over. The only good part of last night was OHCH owning that pink shirt.

Lincee

He OWNED that pink shirt!

Amanda
Amanda

I’ll be honest i didn’t make it through ATFR. I was sick of Nick. Really? I could go for never seeing him ever again.
The “conversation” with K and Gosling was hilarious!
Love these!
BIP2 recaps?

Saggleo
Saggleo

I’m glad it is not just me. That dude loves making himself the victim – it is allll the lady’s fault. Oh let me throw out this ‘we said i love you to each other’…she didnt pick you dude, deal with it. You assumed you had this in the bag – nope. Pls go away now. I didn’t realize his family was there – wth is that?!?!

Richard Beaverton

I didn’t make it through ATFR either, but I’m hoping that Nick and Shawn shared a moment. After all, they’re eskimo brothers.

Lincee

Of course Amanda!

marymary
marymary

Poor Lincee, in the interest of science and your fans you had to sit through that! I started the show late, and was able to fast forward through the awkward Nick parts. My takeaways from last night:

Sean was actually quite well spoken with Kaitlyn’s family and at the proposal. I am assuming this is his real personality, not the “my head is about to explode with jealousy” that we’ve been seeing.

“Don’t worry Kaitlyn – I’m coming for you!” – impressive. Also impressive that ABC was able to keep that quiet until last night!

Loved Hailey getting in both of the key phrases (right reasons and incredible journey) with just the right blend of sarcasm and sincerity to not get edited.

Poor Nick – hugging Neal Lane with happiness. He definitely should have known by the look in Kaitlyn’s face when he arrived.

I’ve never seen such awkward final dates. Nick’s because Kaitlyn didn’t know how to keep stringing him along, and Sean’s because she couldn’t speak freely. She also seemed quite confident that she was getting a proposal – don’t they sometimes wonder about that?

Loved Sean’s comment “you couldn’t get a bigger couch?” when he had to sit with Nick.

I hope those two crazy kids will be happy, and can’t wait for BIP!!

starhermit
starhermit

I totally noticed the sister’s catchphrase sarcasm too, thought it was hilarious!

Lincee

Thanks for the vote of confidence marymary. It was a long journey, but an amazing one.

marymary
marymary

Whoops, just realized I spelled Ryan Gosling’s name Sean instead of Shawn. That’s what I get for trying to use his real name!

Kari
Kari

The fact that you love Yorks cements my love for you. hahah! i couldnt stand to watch another minute of this madness, let alone three friggin hours. – and ditto to your recap being WAAAAY better anyway. My question is… how are so many good quality shows getting cancelled and yet this one keeps coming back like jumpsuits? ugh!

Richard Beaverton

This one is on its last leg. Once it gets canceled, I hope they make a show about all the eskimo brothers and sisters that this show has produced.

Sea Jay

You may think that, but the ratings say otherwise. Finale had 8 million viewers, much higher than last year, and Kaitlyn’s season has been holding the #1 spot in its time slot, especially with the 18-34 age viewers that it appeals to. So, unless they really screw up – which as we saw, they can make a train wreck look watchable – the show is here to stay for a while. -> Lincee’s recaps, too, hopefully!

Sheesh
Sheesh

Got a thing for Eskimos brother?

Lincee

Jumpsuits! HA!!!!

Kirk
Kirk

Nick arrives in respectable man clothes with a bouquet of flowers and a jar of either tomato sauce or maraschino cherries. I was too lazy to rewind and see for sure. He tells the story about how he watched The Farmer dump Kaitlyn. He took a picture of her rejection, drew a heart around it and sent it to his friends with the message, “Don’t worry. I’m coming for you.”

Uh, did you mean to say Sean? Nick already gets too much ink in my opinion.

I have to say I fell for the ABC misdirection game this time and thought Sean had no chance, especially after the awkward last date. Both finalists commented on how ABC manipulates the show with selective editing, we all know it goes on but this year it was epidemic. As a result, the show actually lived up to OHCH’s “most shocking ever” claim for once.

Credit to Kaitlyn’s merry band of Canadians for seeing through Nick for the most part, although her parents apparent turnaround at the end saying they would bless the union was perhaps the most shocking thing of all.

On to the best train wreck on TV, Bachelor in Paradise!

Lincee

I’ve fixed the mistake. Thanks Kirk!

Kirk
Kirk

And I also meant to say Shawn! lol

Julie
Julie

1. Favorite line: “I bet she took a pair of skinny jeans.” 🙂

2. Kaitlyn’s mom totally looks like Joan Collins.

3. Nick looks better with a beard.

4. The incessant combing of Shawn’s leg hair was SO hard to watch.

5. Why was Nick’s entire family there for ATFR, in the front row?? Have they done this before, with the families, and I’m just not remembering it? Was Shawn’s family there? They kept showing two really pretty blonde women–were those his sisters?

6. Although OHCH kept Nick out there for far too long, did anyone else notice the way he totally cut him off at the end of his conversation with Kaitlyn? He said, “I do want to wish you the best,” and then said something about “Watching it back…” and then Harrison cut him off completely, without seeming to realize. I want to know what he realized while watching it back! Oh well. It probably would have been something snarky and self-serving. But still.

Bracing myself for Bachelor in Paradise on Sunday!

Richard Beaverton

I also think we all wish they would have talked more about Nick and Shawn’s developing eskimo brother relationship a bit more.

Marcia Brady
Marcia Brady

I wish I’ll be able to read to the end of the comments without another Eskimo brother comment from the Beav

Illinois fan
Illinois fan

I missed the whole Eskimo brother thing. What is that?

Carol S.
Carol S.

Though I noticed Kaitlyn received Nicks well wishes with a frigid unmoving pose, and did nothing to reciprocate (like, I wish you the best too.). She admitted she could have handled the ending different…but seemed like she was pissed at him for being mad. Nick gave me the creeps at the end…rolling around with him on the sailboat was unnecessary. Loved her family. Shawn’s gift for the sister and her glowing comments of him sealed the deal, and locked me as a Shawn fan. First season I watched, very entertaining, especially this blog. Thanks.

Sea Jay

In contrast to Andi, who was cold toward Nick from the beginning on AFTR, Kaitlyn seemed in the beginning to want to be warm.

Nick couldn’t do a “why did you make love to me” like he did with Andi because the whole of North America already knew about that with Kaitlyn. So instead he threw out her saying “I love you” to him, which got an eye roll from Kaitlyn. But like the remark to Andi, it looked to me like another pissed-off attempt to drive a wedge between the Bachelorette and her chosen man and not a genuine question. Especially his knowing how this reality show is played.

After that, and his other remarks, I’m not surprised she didn’t seem to believe his well-wishes were sincere and not just an attempt to rehabilitate his reputation or something. I mean, second time around, he of all people should know the grip producers have on contestants. Of course producers told Kaitlyn to do exactly as she did! Some fault her for acquiescing, but we weren’t there. We don’t know what was said to her to bring that about. Gotta admit – it was good TV……

Saggleo
Saggleo

YES!! I completely agree Sea Jay – those are exactly my thoughts when she rolled her eyes etc when he did that ‘i love you’ ‘i heard it a bunch of times’ crap. Such a victim he likes to play. No sympathy from me to him – you try to play the game and got played.

I really don’t think it would have made a difference if she told him beforehand either because he would have done the same whiny act.

Lincee

Skinny jeans FOREVER!

And bring on the Germ Squirt for BIP!!!

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