‘The Bachelorette’ Kaitlyn recap: Vagina monologues

Bachelorette Kaitlyn

“Joe’s left nut was hanging out the entire time.” — Jared

This has already proven to be one of the hardest Bachelorette recaps I’ve ever written. And I’m one title and one sentence into the copy. Great.

I want to crawl under my desk right now, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I am a professional and I will get through this. I’m just going to get it all out of my system at the very beginning. Feel free to skip the next paragraph. (Mama—skip the next paragraph.)

Penis, balls, nads, thong, pixels, vagina, fallopian tubes, lining, dying, positions, tampon, torpedo, hairy, flat, hanging, brain, tucking, shifting, adjusting, thankyoupixels, sperm, eggs, uterus, sex, “education”, reproduction, where does the pollen go?

It’s all downhill from here, people. Strap on your diaper thong and read on.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the twerking instructor who is obsessed with the fictional life of Jamie and Claire Fraser like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

We begin episode three where episode two left off—Kupah freaking out in the driveway. Kailtyn marches right up to him, demanding to know what’s going on. He immediately reins in the crazy when Kaitlyn instructs him to stop screaming. Kupah tones it down to a boisterous stage whisper which fools no one. The burly, baldy is shoved into a rejection van (haters don’t get limos) and is sent on his way.

In case you’re keeping score, that’s two contestants who have been escorted off the premises without the privilege of participating in a rose ceremony.

Kaitlyn cries for a bit, collects herself and enters the living room just as Our Host is about to clink his champagne glass with the butter knife he keeps in his breast pocket. Kaitlyn is ready to get her ceremony on with or without the clink. Roses go to:

JJ (from the improv group date)
Ben (from the boxing group date)
Clint (from the underwater solo date)
Jared
Peter Brady
Gosling
Jonathan
Tanner
The Dentist
Metro Ryan
Justin
Ian
Josh-UA
Kentucky Joe
Corey
The Healer

Kaitlyn says good-bye to Daniel-Edward Norton and The Other Cory. She cries some more in the confession room, carefully wiping her tears with her statement ring finger. I’m convinced Kaitlyn is vying for Britt’s unofficial “Most Cries in One Season” award. In Kaitlyn’s defense, I can see actual droplets falling from her eyes. The same can not be said for Britt Britt.

FIRST GROUP DATE
Clint
The Dentist
The Healer
JJ
Kentucky Joe
Gosling

Harrison introduces the group to the largest Japanese man in the history of forever. He and his 400-pound friend are going to skill the mansion chumps in the art of sumo wrestling. Kaitlyn is quick to announce that this is all in good fun. To prove that she doesn’t want any drama, she drags the remaining suitors from the house so they can point and laugh along with her.

If common sense had a role in this show, our Monday nights would be MEANINGLESS.

The students all strap on their ceremonial sumo thongs. Half of them make the choice to bend over for some reason. It’s worth noting (and praising) that the modesty black box has been retired after Jillian’s exhibition from last season. The ABC production team chooses a much more professional fuzzy pixelation to cover everyone’s man bits.

Pixilated junk or not, the topic of conversation revolves around Kentucky Joe’s left nut. Whether it didn’t stay put, or he cared less about tucking, is still a mystery. The fact that I actually just wrote that sentence is equally baffling.

The real sumo guys toss the students around by their diapers for a few rounds. The Healer is excited to show his sumo guy “a real fight” by giggling the entire time. After being hurled out of the ring, he makes a beeline for the mansion. Kailtyn rushes over to see if he is hurt. Ascended testicle? Diaper chaffing? Bruised ego? Did someone make fun of his “calf sleeve” tattoo? Is there such a thing as a calf sleeve?

The Healer turns around to face the woman who forced him to be so aggressive in a world where his sole purpose is to promote peace and love. Once again, I’ve taken the liberty to loosely translate The Healer’s monologue:

“I’m here for you, Kaitlyn. I want to show you the multiple sides of me. There’s the childlike wonder. The heart of a warrior. And the spirit of a gypsy. We are all non-violent and we just want to go on a boat ride, or sky diving, or rocky mountain climbing. Perhaps the zoo is the perfect place to fall in love? Did you ever think about that? Wanna hear my elephant impression? There’s a real man’s contest for you. We can connect with our primal instincts. MAHHHLAAAHHHH! I’ve got a peaceful, easy feeling and I’d like for you to be a part of it. Imagine all the people, living for today? Excuse me while I inhale the good vibes and exhale the negative ones.”

To no one’s surprise, JJ comes over to stir the pot. The Healer, promoter of peace, tells him to eff off. The ABC Intern frantically searches the property for something that resembles a tiny pine tree. Clearly The Healer found solace in bonsai maintenance while attending his court-mandated anger management classes. He heads to the balcony to meditate, while Kaitlyn takes her sumo team to an exhibition in front of real people. She wants these memories of utter humiliation to be seared into their brains. Hooray for adventure!

I’ll spare you the pixelated details of the sumo fight. All you need to know is that the guys wrestled each other in front of men, women and children as everything hung out of their diapers. It’s important to immerse young kids into wildly inappropriate LA culture. Clint won and was a complete jack wagon about it.

Meanwhile, The Healer decides to remove himself from the evil chi known as Bachelor Mansion. He selects his most chill outfit, packs his belongings and takes to the streets in search of Kaitlyn so he can bid her farewell. The producers drop him off outside the cocktail party. He lets her know that if she is truly interested, she can easily find him. He picks a single weed disguised as a flower and places it in the metaphorical barrel of Kaitlyn’s gun. Or maybe, in this particular case, the metaphorical whip she’s hiding somewhere in her head-to-toe leather Cat Woman costume.

Leather Tuscadero finds sanctuary in the arms of The Dentist. He assures her that he, and his tongue, are both available if she needs them. After a quick make out sesh, Kaitlyn heads back to the group to see who will lay on the charm next? She is greeted by a chorus of crickets. Gosling finally breaks the awkward silence and takes her away to whisper sweet nothings about notebooks and wooden furniture in her ear. He confesses that he’s never felt real feelings in such a short amount of time. Kaitlyn gives him several kisses, the rose, another kiss and then chastises Clint in front of the others for ignoring her all night.

THERE ARE NO RULES!

One-On-One Date
Ben

Harrison meets Ben and Kaitlyn in a creepy warehouse. I assume Laila Ali is still punching a bag on the other side of the wall, but THIS side is home to a mysterious door. Basically, Ben and Kaitlyn will be locked in a room for 45 minutes. This particular room is full of super scary things that go bump in the night. Naturally, our duo will have to conquer their fears together before the time runs out. Bungee jumping and scaling tall buildings are so yesterday. If you really want to bond, figure out the clues before the toxic gas kills you!

Right out of the gate, Kaitlyn is terrified of the two pigeons that fly out of the door upon opening. Ben promises to protect her from the bloody appendages hanging from the wall, the creepy dolls, the live scorpion, the maggots, the dead cockroaches, the darkness and the moaning man in the rickety hospital bed in need of a good old fashioned exorcism. Ben truly thinks about bolting when he comes face-to-face with several boa constrictors guarding a toilet filled with filth. Sadly, the last clue is in said filth. Although Kaitlyn boldly claims that she isn’t afraid of snakes, she never once volunteers to dip her hand into homemade vomit to fish out a package. HURRY BEN! YOU ONLY HAVE SECONDS BEFORE YOUR EYEBALLS MELT OUT OF YOUR SKULL!

Thankfully, they punch in the code just in time. Kaitlyn is smitten with Ben’s moxie. He’s a strong contender. In order to participate in this season’s Bachelorette, you have to be full of adventure. Pants and couth are optional.

Ben and Kaitlyn order a pizza. Here’s hoping the business owners of the Room of Doom had some sort of decontamination washing station for his hands. Kaitlyn settles in on the couch as Ben tells her about how he’s never cried since his mother died 11 years ago.

1. I don’t know if I believe that.
2. I will bet y’all ONE BILLION DOLLARS that he cries this season.

They kiss a little on the couch, change clothes, sit in a hot tub with zero bubbles and kiss some more. He gets the date rose for saving her from wayward pigeons.

SECOND GROUP DATE
Jonathan
Peter Brady
Josh-UA
Metro Ryan
Jered
Tanner

Since man diapers weren’t uncomfortable enough for this episode, Kaitlyn decides to step over the appropriate line and walk a few hundred yards away somewhere in the vicinity of ridiculous. Six unfortunate souls are forced to teach a classroom full of children about sex education. I understand that the kids are actors. I still think it’s inappropriate. Moving on.

Here’s what we learned from each teacher:

Mr. Joshua is no stranger to sex education. He learned everything he needs to know by watching the cows back home. Did you know that the clinical name for a tampon is a torpedo? Me neither.

Mr. Metro Ryan knows all about the vagina. He can point to it on a diagram of the female anatomy. He also knows about a BLEEP and that BLEEP when the BLEEP.

Mr. Jonathan can explain the four bases in explicit detail.

Mr. Jared is his name and contraception is his game. Bananas and condoms for everyone!

And then there’s Mr. Brady, who manages to have an honest, open conversation about the birds and the bees. He has props, volunteers and includes Kaitlyn as the love interest in his epic romance story. I think Mrs. Korman may have swooned. I know I did. With so many kids in his family, you knew Peter was going to dominate this date!

At the cocktail party, my boy Josh-UA does everything he can to make Kailtyn keep him firmly in the “boy” category. He admits that he didn’t kiss a girl until he was 19 and that he’s unsure about how his own puberty works, let alone a girl’s internal plumbing. Josh-UA will have to step up his game if he wants to compete with the likes of Peter Brady. I do have high hopes for him. Who cares if he’s a late bloomer? HE’S FUNNY. And funny goes a long way in my book.

Later, Kaitlyn takes Peter Brady up to the roof so they can dance in the shadows of the Die Hard building. Peter confidently pulls her into his arms, plants a kiss and then dips her like most women love to be dipped. Peter gets the date rose, even though Jared rallied hard at the end with an impromptu slow dance/make out combo of his own.

ROSE CEREMONY

ABC generously teases a budding bromance between JJ and Clint the entire episode. As the video packages run throughout the night, the bromance deepens. Clint vows that he doesn’t have feelings for Kaitlyn, but instead needs a rose so he can stay with JJ.

I have thoughts. I’m not sure if this is genuine or not. Everything about the packages seem overtly rehearsed or scripted, including the shared showers, longing looks across a guitar, jawline love and exclamations of being “the best” on the show.

Even Clint’s confession that he’s in love with JJ and that he’s a franchise success story seemed bogus to me. First of all, no dude would ever choose JJ. Duh. Second of all, they are playing the villainous character too strong. They both understand that the bad guy with the witty one-liners and dorky digs will get the screen time.

Just like fetch, my hope is that “Villains gonna vil” does not happen.

Clint slides up to Kaitlyn, apologizes for being weird and passionately kisses her. Kaitlyn confidently swipes her card, buying the entire thing. To my outrageous joy, 13 of the 15 guys left standing use their one-on-one time to share with Kaitlyn that Clint is a Grade A Chach. Kaitlyn realizes that Clint has been playing her like Wes Hayden’s number 1 hit in Tijuana, “They Say Love Don’t Come Easy.”

Will she keep her streak going and kick him off before the rose ceremony? Or will he talk his way out of it? Did you see JJ slapping himself in next week’s promo? Are you itching to watch old episodes of the Brady Bunch online?

Sound off in the comments section!

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