‘The Bachelorette’ recap: Down and dirty in Dublin

funny bachelorette recap-Bachelorette Kaitlyn

Since episode six was The Bachelorette episode that ABC teased since day one, the producers decided to grace us with 90 minutes of Nick groping Kaitlyn in pubs and cathedrals. We also had the audible pleasure of hearing Nick rounding second base before sliding into third. The statement rings were as prevalent as the hard surfaces Nick pushed Kaitlyn up against for a little PDA.

Guys walking off the set in a huff is soooooo yesterday. We’ve been there and done that. In order to keep viewers on our toes, ABC skips the two-on-one date entirely in lieu of airing footage of Gosling melting down to his handler. Sadly, there aren’t any row boats in Ireland for him to work out his aggression. What Ireland does have is Guinness. Lots and lots of Guinness.

But before I take you through the intimate details of Nick and Kaitlyn’s “Cinemax After Dark” date, I have to tell you about that pesky rose ceremony that keeps getting in the way of Kaitlyn’s fun.

First of all, Ian has left the building. In case you forgot, he thinks she’s a shallow bimbo who can’t scratch beyond surface-level conversation topics. She laughs way too much for his taste. He wants to be the next bachelor and he thinks women will be beating down the mansion door, begging to go out with someone with his intellectual depth. And in case you didn’t know, the dude went to Princeton. Kaitlyn feels super insulted. It was that moment I shouted at the TV, “Cue Nick and his bow tie.”
While all the other guys wave at Ian’s rejection SUV and hope that Kaitlyn is okay after yet another contestant chooses to kick himself off the island, Nick is the one who actually seeks her out to offer a comforting shoulder to pucker her lips against. Nick uses Kaitlyn’s buzz words, like “honesty” and “truthful” and “you’re hot” in all the right places. For a moment, I thought he was going to give her one of his many, many friendship bracelets, but he opted to first bite her finger (?) and then stick his tongue down her throat. Naturally, this is the exact moment when Gosling walks around the corner.

Later, Our Host Chris Harrison arrives in a plum-colored suit with a complimenting pink shirt. It sounds like something Duckie would wear in Pretty In Pink. Trust me when I say Harrison totally pulled it off. He escorts the guys to the Alamo. I’m not thrilled that roses are handed out on such sacred ground. This is essentially a gravesite after all. I choose to put my feelings aside and drink the Kool-Aid.

Peter, Gosling and Nick already have roses. The remaining boutonnieres go to Jared, Cupcake the Dentist, JJ, Kentucky Joe, Ben and Tanner. Justin and Joshua are out. Joshua cries during his exit interview. I’m unsure if the tears were a result of hearing the others cheer when Harrison tells the group they are going to Ireland, or if he still feels ramifications from his unfortunate hair cutting incident. I will miss Joshua.

FIRST ONE-ON-ONE
You’ve probably guessed by now that Ireland is the perfect place to fall in love. Kaitlyn wastes no time. She grabs Nick (to the chagrin of everyone else) and instructs him to put on the tightest pair of skinny jeans imaginable. He chooses his emerald pair of course. Kaitlyn quickly rushes him through the “markers” of a good relationship as they wander the streets of Dublin. (You may not know what I’m talking about because I’m totally making this up. Allow me to explain.)

They experience something new together: Nick manages to pull his hands away from touching Kaitlyn’s bare back through her holey sweater for a quick lesson in river dancing. Kaitlyn adores his silliness.

He protects her as she faces a fear: Nick offers a confident arm (or back) as he guides Kaitlyn through a flock of agitated pigeons. Her ornithophobia is on full display. Nick is so strong, he fends off not one, but two birds from pecking Kaitlyn’s eyeballs out. Kaitlyn’s heart flutters as she admires her hero.

A token of love is purchased: Nick buys Kaitlyn another statement ring. She removes the ginormous one she’s wearing in order to place the new statement ring on her wedding finger. Kaitlyn begins planning the ceremony in her head. Her colors will be short, holey and tight. With sparkles.

Since Nick has been reading my recaps for years, he decides to pull an Arie. He grabs Kaitlyn and shoves her against a wall for a quick make out sesh. I give it a solid B. Let’s revisit previous game day footage to see how it’s done, shall we?

The public display of affection is continued over at the local pub. Nick manages to grab Kaitlyn’s waist and butt with one hand, while holding her other hand. He whispers sweet nothings into her ear between kissing and shooting Irish whiskey. A few hours later, they stumble into a cathedral for dinner. Kaitlyn admits that she worries about Nick because she knows the others don’t like him. He tells her to forget about it and pours her another whiskey.

Moments later, Nick leans over, straining for an obstructed view of a statue of Mary so she won’t see or hear that he’s “feeling” for Kaitlyn right now. Kaitlyn plucks a rose from one of the flower arrangements from a wedding earlier that day and hastily pins it to Nick’s blazer. They stumble back outside of the church for a proper make out session up against the church archway. Once he effortlessly lifts her into a straddle position, traditionally earmarked for “jump and straddle” hometown greetings, Kaitlyn invites him to join her in her suite.

Well played whiskey. Well played.

The scene conveniently toggles between Nick and Kaitlyn slowly sliding to a horizontal position on her couch, over to Jared and Gosling wishing and hoping that Nick and Kaitlyn’s date is a total disaster. At the exact time Jared yearns for Kaitlyn to have a bad time on her date, Nick is in the process of digging for her pot of gold.

Kaitlyn takes Nick into her bedroom where cameras are CLEARLY not allowed. Fortunately the ABC Intern scored some extendable ears in Diagon Alley. We may not be able to see anything, but we can certainly hear everything. I didn’t need the throwaway b-roll shots of random birds and bees to assume what went on in Kaitlyn’s suite last night. She needs a modified version of the “Kiss Me I’m Irish” whimsical button.

Kaitlyn naturally feels concerned the next morning. She’s worried that Nick is going to “Kiss Me I’m Irish” and tell. She pulls an anxious Mesnick against the balcony, fearful of what Nick might say to the others.

Naturally, Nick is a man of mystery. He shares very vague details with Kentucky Joe and JJ. He mentions whiskey, the fear of bursting into flames in a cathedral, whiskey, a walk in the park and whiskey. He also throws in that they went back to Kaitlyn’s suite. Kentucky Joe casually responds with a “meh” shrug of the shoulders. Big whoop. Gosling did that too.

Did he now.

The group date guys all march in as Nick’s blood begins to boil. This time, he tells his tale, hinting of tail. He uses the words “intimate” and “romantic” and “personal” and “everything felt comfortable.”

For those of you in the splash zone, watch out. The vein in Gosling’s forehead is about to pop!

GROUP DATE
Tanner
Ben
Gosling
Jared
Peter
Cupcake

All the guys dress in their Sunday best. They meet a somber Harrison who shares some bad news—Kaitlyn is dead. For today.

I’m quite certain that Mike Fleiss offered Harrison an extra 10K and a weekend with the company jet to say that cheesy line with a straight face. Bonus points go to Cupcake for having the best reaction: “If she had just flossed more. It’s too late now.”

Harrison leads them inside a building where we find Kaitlyn in a coffin, gripping a flask. She immediately begins giggling. Harrison calls her the “worst dead person ever.” She smooths things over by offering him a swig of her whiskey. He accepts.

WHAT AM I WATCHING?!

Our Host tells the guys that they are participating in a traditional Irish wake. They have to eulogize Kaitlyn. It can be funny or poignant, as long as it’s about her.

Tanner kicks us off by asking Kaitlyn to pencil him in for a date in her planner. And if she has forgotten, his name is Tanner. (Brilliant.) Jared tries to be romantic, reminding her of “what he said the other night” before kissing her in the coffin. (Meh.) Cupcake sings a rendition of “Danny Boy,” changing the lyrics to match his journey. (E for effort.) Peter talks about birds pecking Kaitlyn to death. (Not the wisest of moves.) Gosling elicits a chorus of “Duuuuuuuuuuuude” when he lands this gem, “It’s devastating that you took your own life. I would have done the same thing if I had to spend the day with Nick yesterday.”

Six glasses of Guinness toast that memorable moment, right over the coffin.

Ben is last at bat. He asks the other guys to leave the room. Obviously, this is an emotional day for him, due to the recent passing of his mother. He somehow gets through the eulogy without crying. I assume the tears will eventually come at his rejection. Either way, Kaitlyn appreciate the fact that he took the wake seriously. The boys return with two old guys carrying a guitar and banjo. They drink, sing and drink some more. Unclear eyes, full bladders, can’t lose. Guinness forever.

Jared scores some alone time at the party. He tells her she is a beautiful corpse and compliments her manly laugh. She LOVES it and tells the camera that she’s super comfortable with Jared, even though his “beard” is patchy at best.

Gosling shares a few pictures of his family with Kaitlyn during his alone time. He is excited to be in Ireland because his family is Irish. So that “Kiss Me I’m Irish” button is legit in this case. Kaitlyn says that she feels like she’s supposed to be Irish. Gosling offers to “fix that” for her. Then he totally jinxes the moment by announcing to the camera that the date rose is his.

When Kaitlyn hands the rose to Jared, Gosling flips. Jared and Kaitlyn leave the Guinness Storehouse and head over to yet another cathedral. Only this time, The Cranberries were there to serenade. I assume Bono was unavailable.

Ironically, Jared takes the lyrics of the song quite literally and “lingers” for the entire number, swaying back and forth with Kaitlyn. Perhaps he wanted to respect the sacred ground by refraining from “Kiss Me I’m Kinda Irish?”

Meanwhile, Gosling finds his handler, confessing that he doesn’t want to play the game anymore. He knows fantasy suites are coming up and the idea of someone kissing Kaitlyn because she’s nowhere near Irish bothers him. He even threatens to cry.

The ABC Intern frantically tries to arrange for Jared and Kaitlyn to ride a Ferris wheel so Gosling can scale it and profess his love, but they don’t have those in Ireland. Curses! Instead, he points Gosling in the direction of Kaitlyn’s hotel room. They settle in on the exact same couch where Nick was digging for gold. Gosling looks deeply into Kaitlyn’s eyes as she utters, “You’re freaking me out.”

Fade to black.

What did you think about the episode? Is it weird that so many dudes cry next week? Do you think it’s an emotional outburst after Kaitlyn’s confession? Does Britt’s mom think Brady is just a friend? And do we care if she does?

Sound off in the comments section!

Comments

220 Comments on "‘The Bachelorette’ recap: Down and dirty in Dublin"

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Patrick
Patrick

Highlight of the season so far…

Dolores O’Riordan

starhermit

Yes! Was so pleasantly surprised by that. Kicked up the whole “awkwardly slow dancing to live music being sung uncomfortably close” date to a whole new level

Lincee

Agreed.

Kristin
Kristin

Not that this show has a history of being respectful to other cultures, but the whole Irish Wake date was a new level of terrible. And to have the guy that lost his parent as a part of that date-even worse.

And in what world do you leave the mics on? REALLY?

Not that this means anything but any person I’ve ever met/seen on TV that went to Princeton is the absolute worst. Ian, Kyle from Real World-Chicago, Eliot Spitzer.

Insight
Insight

Technically no interaction is allowed off camera. If you have the time to read Sean Lowe’s book its a great inside view of how the process works. It’s likely she got permission from the producers to go off camera if they leave the mic on for a few minutes. (They’re not doing a great job this season on the edits, nobody wants to hear that.)

Sometimes I wonder, did Nick and Kaitlyn even TALK at all? The edit only showed them shoving tongues down each others throat. Does he know her middle name? Her favorite color? What her parents names are? How many siblings she has? What she went to school for? Does he know ANYTHING about her? Yet they jumped right into bed and she’s complaining about being judged and the producers are complaining about people being mean.

I don’t judge Kaitlyn. She has a right to do whatever she wants and that does not affect me, nor does it make her a bad role model (who lets a child or teen watch the bachelorette? And expects anyone on the show to be a role model? seriously?) But the producers are crazy if they think the way they edited that episode isn’t gonna make her catch SO much flack from bored old ladies on the internet. So they have zero room to talk.

Insight
Insight

And I’m not talking about Lincee criticizing her, its all in good fun and most of the talk is about the guys. I’m talking about the twitterverse.

Great recap!!

Lisa
Lisa

The only thing worse than watching that “spontaneous” sex date, was watching it with closed caption…”sheets rustle”, “Kaitlin moans”, “heavy panting”. Ugh!

Kathryn
Kathryn

My kids, as older teens, occasionally watched the show with me. I would often pause the tv and ask them about what we just saw… their thoughts, what was right or wrong about the behaviors, dating in general and respecting yourself and your partner. Yes, this is a ridiculous show, but it can also be a conversation starter and teaching tool.

Lincee

I agree. WHY WERE THE MICS ON?!

Tricia Davis
Tricia Davis

Great recap as always! My favorite line “Her colors will be short, holey and tight. With sparkles.” ha ha!
What WAS she thinking by sleeping with Nick this early on??

delyla
delyla

What was she thinking sleeping with Nick …period???
And to hear her describe him, I’m thinking, she obviously didn’t watch Andi’s season. There is no other explanation.

Beth
Beth

My fav of this recap — This time, he tells his tale, hinting of tail.
Gosh, Lincee, you ROCK!

Lincee

Thanks Tricia Davis! And to answer your question, I’m not sure she was thinking…

Kristy

The whiskey was thinking Kaitlyn not so much LOL

Leslie
Leslie

Two best lines since I just can’t choose. OMG I am Kaitlyn!!
Nick is so strong, he fends off not one, but two birds from pecking Kaitlyn’s eyeballs out.

At the exact time Jared yearns for Kaitlyn to have a bad time on her date, Nick is in the process of digging for her pot of gold.

Ick, just ick about Nick. I cannot even get past the bowtie to gag about the skinny jeans. I work in a law firm. The only people that wear bow ties are old old lawyers who the firm is trying desperately to force into retirement. And, Nick makes entirely too much noise kissing. Gross, not sexy.

Lincee

thanks for the favs Leslie!

Eleanora
Eleanora

“The ABC Intern frantically tries to arrange for Jared and Kaitlyn to ride a Ferris wheel so Gosling can scale it and profess his love, but they don’t have those in Ireland.”

GOLD

Mary Beth
Mary Beth

Pure gold! More Notebook! When they meet the families, maybe something about the Hamiltons asking about his income at dinner/ Sarah Lawrence? 😉

Lincee

I was going for gold! Thanks Eleanora!

Liana
Liana

When Gosling was having his meltdown, I replayed it to make sure, he said something about Kaitlin taking him to her room and spending 7 hours together. I swear that’s what he said. And if so, do we assume he got to third base before Nick? Is that why he was so upset?
Our Bachelorette is a floosy, and in heat 24/7. Awful choice for a lead.
Why can’t we have the rose ceremonies at the end of the show?

Leigha F
Leigha F

Did I miss the “Sean with her in her suite all night” too? I heard that mentioned also, and I don’t remember that from the week before in San Anton?

delyla
delyla

I heard it too an assumed the same thing. She is making the rounds. Plus, she told Gosling that she was falling in love with him. Talk about mixed signals. No wonder he thinks he’s the one.

Cindy S.
Cindy S.

I loved that he said he couldn’t stand ‘the thought of her banging 2 other guys in the Fantasy Suites’.

And yes he clearly said they spent 7 hours together and she told him he was ‘the one’. I’d be upset too.

Gondawatchsomemore
Gondawatchsomemore

I picked up what the editors were puttin’ down.
Yup she certainly likes the baseball diamond…. Rounding third. Unfortunate.

meg b

I thought I heard him say it was all off camera. So maybe they just talked and it wasn’t exciting enough for the producers so they left it on the floor of editing.

Karen
Karen

I heard this too. I even re-watched that part to make sure I heard it correctly.

Michele

I heard it too. Rewind was played. Maybe Nick was guy #2. This bachelorette is definitely on the “try before you buy” plan.

Helen
Helen

There are so many things wrong on so many levels this season. Starting with our Bachlorette. Dates. Nic. Disrespect. Trashy. And yet I watch and cringe. OHCH is scarce too. Wonder why?

EvaJess

Well said!! I couldn’t agree more. I’m relieved to know that I’m not the only one who finds Kaitlin disgusting. And yet I’m still watching, forgive me Lord. Is this an addiction?

Abby
Abby

However, that doesn’t necessarily mean she slept with Shawn. Maybe they really did just hang out…I can’t imagine that they would have slept together without the producers somehow letting it be known???

Jenna

I heard that too, and was confused. But I think what he was referring to was the Fantasy Suite, or the possibility of the Fantasy Suite. As in “we’re going to spend 7 or 8 hours together alone, and then the next night she bonks two other guys…” or whatever it was that he said.

Which leads me to believe that either he’s been told by his handler that he makes it to the top 3, or Kaitlyn has told him. I mean, she did tell him she was falling in love with him…so maybe he just assumes?

ColoradoCat
ColoradoCat

Yeah Jenna – that’s what he was referring to, about the fantasy suite dates coming up and banging two other dues but I’m pretty sure they actually did spend 6-7 hours together alone just hanging out the week before where she told him he was “the one”. Wonder if that was BEFORE Nick showed up…

Lincee

I was going for gold! Thanks Eleanora!

Anna Marie
Anna Marie

*tears of laughter…
Lincee, you never disappoint! I’m still in shock that ABC allowed the viewers to listen in on Nick plowing Kaitlyn’s field! I’m pretty sure he got more than gold in her pot! lolololol!!! This show is a total train wreck I cannot stop watching!
Thanks, yet again, for the laughs! I love Tuesdays!!!

Cindy S.
Cindy S.

Okay I think you get the quote of the week…’I’m still in shock that ABC allowed the viewers to listen in on Nick plowing Kaitlyn’s field! I’m pretty sure he got more than gold in her pot!’

Lincee

Tears of laughter are the best! Thanks Anna Marie!

Eleanora
Eleanora

comment image

this is Nick.

lindamarie
lindamarie

This made me literally LOL.

Sonja
Sonja

Bahahahahaha! That picture is perfect! He SO grosses me out, on a physical level, an emotional level, and on a conversationalist level. Just ICK….

Quilting Hottie

Every time he is onscreen I am constantly saying aloud “He is just gross.” Over and over. And I watch alone. I’m just that Ickes out by him. Felt that way Andi’s season, and even more so now.

AllAbouTheShame
AllAbouTheShame

OMG Hilarious!

Jill
Jill

Why is it that they can make out and drink whiskey in a church but they have been much more respectful in the past when in a temple? I thought that was very disrespectful to have that happen in a place of worship. I really think they have pushed the envelope this season. It is ironic that Ian accused her of just wanting to make out on camera and she was offended but then proceeds to make out and “more” while the audio can pick up everything that is going on. Although Ian is jerk, he pretty much nailed that one.

Tracy K.
Tracy K.

I’m not religious but I too found it really disrespectful for them to make out in a church. I actually visited that Dublin church last year and it’s gorgeous! So much history there.

delyla
delyla

Also thought the church grinding was distasteful!!!! She is classless!!!!

Sonja
Sonja

EXACTLY, WORD FOR WORD what my husband said.

Emily
Emily

Actually, I grew up Catholic and that’s not so uncommon in church, haha. We joke about bingo and beer because having a drink or two at church during a function isn’t odd in the Catholic church. Just a thought. It didn’t bug me.

Sarah
Sarah

I grew up Catholic as well and still practice. Functions like that (bingo and beer) never happen in the sancuary (which is where Nick and Kailyn were). Perhaps other Catholics have made out in the sactuary, however, I think people with respect towards the other parishioners and the Eucharist wouldn’t do that. I too thought it was disrespectful.

Lincee

I don’t think I could make out in a church. Or up against one.

LORENZO
LORENZO

Did anyone notice Nick has obviously borrowed Britts pair of hi top sneakers for this season. And whard up with the slightly orange hair ???

bilbymom
bilbymom

Not sure if I’ve done this correctly but here goes:

comment image

Lincee

SO TRUE!

Anna Marie
Anna Marie

Ian belongs with Kelsey. That is all. lol

Leslie
Leslie

Good one Anna Marie 🙂

Niki
Niki

They are a perfect pair! Would definitely watch that date!

Shopgirl

Anna Marie, that may be the most perfect pairing of two people from Bachelor Nation EVER!

Heather
Heather

Ha ha ha! Oh my gosh that would be AMAZING!

E
E

More power to Kaitlyn. I have to say if I were in her situation with Nick, especially with that much whiskey involved, I would have let him knock it out too. He’s hot, he’s charming and he’s got the moves (though I did automatically think he was doing the wall kiss because he knows how much LIncee digs it).

As annoying as this season has been I was quite entertained with last nights episode, minus the cheesy group date…that was awkward.

I know she explained her reason for the bird tattoos to one of the guys but why hasn’t anyone asked why she would get them if she is so terrified of birds?

Lincee

He totally reads my recap.

marymary
marymary

Am I imagining it, or is the heather grey/pastel henley shirt the complimentary clothing item for the guys this season??

Loved Ryan Gosling talking about his hours spent with Kaitlyn (in private) where she told him he was the one.
Funny how they managed to pull that off, but she let the cameras into her room with Nick. I would have said it was all smoke and mirrors, but she seemed to be confessing to “the act”.

I don’t think I can watch her kiss Nick anymore – it gives me the creeps.

Krissy
Krissy

I cant LISTEN to her kiss Nick anymore. Its so…audible!

Its grossing me out

April
April

Agreed! My mute button got a workout! Yetch!

Lincee

They are audible kissers…

CO Kathleen
CO Kathleen

Cracked me up with your splash zone warning for Gosling’s head exploding!

Call me crazy, but how can anyone move forward in a relationship when your partner is sleeping around with others in the midst of sleeping around with you. Don’t get it.

Love your blog, Lincee!

Gondawatchsomemore
Gondawatchsomemore

CO Kathleen
My sentiments exactly! My children insisted I try explain why I was laughing after reading that… I can’t even. My quote of the week for sure!

Lincee

That vein will pop before the end of the season.

jL
jL

I actually watched (most of) the show last night. And fast forwarded through the noises part.

I am underwhelmed. E!Online had a good article last week about why this season is so weird and I think I agree with them. http://www.eonline.com/news/668993/is-this-the-bachelorette-s-best-or-worst-season-ever-we-investigate

That said, these are my favorite lines:

Kaitlyn begins planning the ceremony in her head. Her colors will be short, holey and tight. With sparkles.

For those of you in the splash zone, watch out. The vein in Gosling’s forehead is about to pop!

He knows fantasy suites are coming up and the idea of someone kissing Kaitlyn because she’s nowhere near Irish bothers him.

Thank you for making this season bearable, Lincee!!

Lincee

Thanks for the favs jL!

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