‘The Bachelorette’ recap: Down and dirty in Dublin
Since episode six was The Bachelorette episode that ABC teased since day one, the producers decided to grace us with 90 minutes of Nick groping Kaitlyn in pubs and cathedrals. We also had the audible pleasure of hearing Nick rounding second base before sliding into third. The statement rings were as prevalent as the hard surfaces Nick pushed Kaitlyn up against for a little PDA.
Guys walking off the set in a huff is soooooo yesterday. We’ve been there and done that. In order to keep viewers on our toes, ABC skips the two-on-one date entirely in lieu of airing footage of Gosling melting down to his handler. Sadly, there aren’t any row boats in Ireland for him to work out his aggression. What Ireland does have is Guinness. Lots and lots of Guinness.
But before I take you through the intimate details of Nick and Kaitlyn’s “Cinemax After Dark” date, I have to tell you about that pesky rose ceremony that keeps getting in the way of Kaitlyn’s fun.
First of all, Ian has left the building. In case you forgot, he thinks she’s a shallow bimbo who can’t scratch beyond surface-level conversation topics. She laughs way too much for his taste. He wants to be the next bachelor and he thinks women will be beating down the mansion door, begging to go out with someone with his intellectual depth. And in case you didn’t know, the dude went to Princeton. Kaitlyn feels super insulted. It was that moment I shouted at the TV, “Cue Nick and his bow tie.”
While all the other guys wave at Ian’s rejection SUV and hope that Kaitlyn is okay after yet another contestant chooses to kick himself off the island, Nick is the one who actually seeks her out to offer a comforting shoulder to pucker her lips against. Nick uses Kaitlyn’s buzz words, like “honesty” and “truthful” and “you’re hot” in all the right places. For a moment, I thought he was going to give her one of his many, many friendship bracelets, but he opted to first bite her finger (?) and then stick his tongue down her throat. Naturally, this is the exact moment when Gosling walks around the corner.
Later, Our Host Chris Harrison arrives in a plum-colored suit with a complimenting pink shirt. It sounds like something Duckie would wear in Pretty In Pink. Trust me when I say Harrison totally pulled it off. He escorts the guys to the Alamo. I’m not thrilled that roses are handed out on such sacred ground. This is essentially a gravesite after all. I choose to put my feelings aside and drink the Kool-Aid.
Peter, Gosling and Nick already have roses. The remaining boutonnieres go to Jared, Cupcake the Dentist, JJ, Kentucky Joe, Ben and Tanner. Justin and Joshua are out. Joshua cries during his exit interview. I’m unsure if the tears were a result of hearing the others cheer when Harrison tells the group they are going to Ireland, or if he still feels ramifications from his unfortunate hair cutting incident. I will miss Joshua.
You’ve probably guessed by now that Ireland is the perfect place to fall in love. Kaitlyn wastes no time. She grabs Nick (to the chagrin of everyone else) and instructs him to put on the tightest pair of skinny jeans imaginable. He chooses his emerald pair of course. Kaitlyn quickly rushes him through the “markers” of a good relationship as they wander the streets of Dublin. (You may not know what I’m talking about because I’m totally making this up. Allow me to explain.)
They experience something new together: Nick manages to pull his hands away from touching Kaitlyn’s bare back through her holey sweater for a quick lesson in river dancing. Kaitlyn adores his silliness.
He protects her as she faces a fear: Nick offers a confident arm (or back) as he guides Kaitlyn through a flock of agitated pigeons. Her ornithophobia is on full display. Nick is so strong, he fends off not one, but two birds from pecking Kaitlyn’s eyeballs out. Kaitlyn’s heart flutters as she admires her hero.
A token of love is purchased: Nick buys Kaitlyn another statement ring. She removes the ginormous one she’s wearing in order to place the new statement ring on her wedding finger. Kaitlyn begins planning the ceremony in her head. Her colors will be short, holey and tight. With sparkles.
Since Nick has been reading my recaps for years, he decides to pull an Arie. He grabs Kaitlyn and shoves her against a wall for a quick make out sesh. I give it a solid B. Let’s revisit previous game day footage to see how it’s done, shall we?
The public display of affection is continued over at the local pub. Nick manages to grab Kaitlyn’s waist and butt with one hand, while holding her other hand. He whispers sweet nothings into her ear between kissing and shooting Irish whiskey. A few hours later, they stumble into a cathedral for dinner. Kaitlyn admits that she worries about Nick because she knows the others don’t like him. He tells her to forget about it and pours her another whiskey.
Moments later, Nick leans over, straining for an obstructed view of a statue of Mary so she won’t see or hear that he’s “feeling” for Kaitlyn right now. Kaitlyn plucks a rose from one of the flower arrangements from a wedding earlier that day and hastily pins it to Nick’s blazer. They stumble back outside of the church for a proper make out session up against the church archway. Once he effortlessly lifts her into a straddle position, traditionally earmarked for “jump and straddle” hometown greetings, Kaitlyn invites him to join her in her suite.
Well played whiskey. Well played.
The scene conveniently toggles between Nick and Kaitlyn slowly sliding to a horizontal position on her couch, over to Jared and Gosling wishing and hoping that Nick and Kaitlyn’s date is a total disaster. At the exact time Jared yearns for Kaitlyn to have a bad time on her date, Nick is in the process of digging for her pot of gold.
Kaitlyn takes Nick into her bedroom where cameras are CLEARLY not allowed. Fortunately the ABC Intern scored some extendable ears in Diagon Alley. We may not be able to see anything, but we can certainly hear everything. I didn’t need the throwaway b-roll shots of random birds and bees to assume what went on in Kaitlyn’s suite last night. She needs a modified version of the “Kiss Me I’m Irish” whimsical button.
Kaitlyn naturally feels concerned the next morning. She’s worried that Nick is going to “Kiss Me I’m Irish” and tell. She pulls an anxious Mesnick against the balcony, fearful of what Nick might say to the others.
Naturally, Nick is a man of mystery. He shares very vague details with Kentucky Joe and JJ. He mentions whiskey, the fear of bursting into flames in a cathedral, whiskey, a walk in the park and whiskey. He also throws in that they went back to Kaitlyn’s suite. Kentucky Joe casually responds with a “meh” shrug of the shoulders. Big whoop. Gosling did that too.
Did he now.
The group date guys all march in as Nick’s blood begins to boil. This time, he tells his tale, hinting of tail. He uses the words “intimate” and “romantic” and “personal” and “everything felt comfortable.”
For those of you in the splash zone, watch out. The vein in Gosling’s forehead is about to pop!
All the guys dress in their Sunday best. They meet a somber Harrison who shares some bad news—Kaitlyn is dead. For today.
I’m quite certain that Mike Fleiss offered Harrison an extra 10K and a weekend with the company jet to say that cheesy line with a straight face. Bonus points go to Cupcake for having the best reaction: “If she had just flossed more. It’s too late now.”
Harrison leads them inside a building where we find Kaitlyn in a coffin, gripping a flask. She immediately begins giggling. Harrison calls her the “worst dead person ever.” She smooths things over by offering him a swig of her whiskey. He accepts.
WHAT AM I WATCHING?!
Our Host tells the guys that they are participating in a traditional Irish wake. They have to eulogize Kaitlyn. It can be funny or poignant, as long as it’s about her.
Tanner kicks us off by asking Kaitlyn to pencil him in for a date in her planner. And if she has forgotten, his name is Tanner. (Brilliant.) Jared tries to be romantic, reminding her of “what he said the other night” before kissing her in the coffin. (Meh.) Cupcake sings a rendition of “Danny Boy,” changing the lyrics to match his journey. (E for effort.) Peter talks about birds pecking Kaitlyn to death. (Not the wisest of moves.) Gosling elicits a chorus of “Duuuuuuuuuuuude” when he lands this gem, “It’s devastating that you took your own life. I would have done the same thing if I had to spend the day with Nick yesterday.”
Six glasses of Guinness toast that memorable moment, right over the coffin.
Ben is last at bat. He asks the other guys to leave the room. Obviously, this is an emotional day for him, due to the recent passing of his mother. He somehow gets through the eulogy without crying. I assume the tears will eventually come at his rejection. Either way, Kaitlyn appreciate the fact that he took the wake seriously. The boys return with two old guys carrying a guitar and banjo. They drink, sing and drink some more. Unclear eyes, full bladders, can’t lose. Guinness forever.
Jared scores some alone time at the party. He tells her she is a beautiful corpse and compliments her manly laugh. She LOVES it and tells the camera that she’s super comfortable with Jared, even though his “beard” is patchy at best.
Gosling shares a few pictures of his family with Kaitlyn during his alone time. He is excited to be in Ireland because his family is Irish. So that “Kiss Me I’m Irish” button is legit in this case. Kaitlyn says that she feels like she’s supposed to be Irish. Gosling offers to “fix that” for her. Then he totally jinxes the moment by announcing to the camera that the date rose is his.
When Kaitlyn hands the rose to Jared, Gosling flips. Jared and Kaitlyn leave the Guinness Storehouse and head over to yet another cathedral. Only this time, The Cranberries were there to serenade. I assume Bono was unavailable.
Ironically, Jared takes the lyrics of the song quite literally and “lingers” for the entire number, swaying back and forth with Kaitlyn. Perhaps he wanted to respect the sacred ground by refraining from “Kiss Me I’m Kinda Irish?”
Meanwhile, Gosling finds his handler, confessing that he doesn’t want to play the game anymore. He knows fantasy suites are coming up and the idea of someone kissing Kaitlyn because she’s nowhere near Irish bothers him. He even threatens to cry.
The ABC Intern frantically tries to arrange for Jared and Kaitlyn to ride a Ferris wheel so Gosling can scale it and profess his love, but they don’t have those in Ireland. Curses! Instead, he points Gosling in the direction of Kaitlyn’s hotel room. They settle in on the exact same couch where Nick was digging for gold. Gosling looks deeply into Kaitlyn’s eyes as she utters, “You’re freaking me out.”
Fade to black.
What did you think about the episode? Is it weird that so many dudes cry next week? Do you think it’s an emotional outburst after Kaitlyn’s confession? Does Britt’s mom think Brady is just a friend? And do we care if she does?
Sound off in the comments section!