‘The Bachelorette’ Men Tell All recap: Remind me who Corey is again?

funny bachelorette recap-Bachelorette Kaitlyn

Everyone knows that The Bachelorette Men Tell All episode is notoriously boring. Quite honestly, ninety percent of the show could easily be watered down into a tidy 20-minute segment. Of course Mike Fleiss would rather saw off an appendage before he let that happen, so it’s up to me to filter through all of the trips down Memory Lane and omit the superfluous outbursts from that random guy on the back row.

Because I know that your time is extremely valuable, I have compiled two hours worth of information into a few finite points. Consider this your CliffsNotes version of the episode. Or the LinceeNotes, if you will.

I’m happy to help. Call me if you’re interested in my abbreviated version of Jane Eyre.

Note: It’s going to rock your socks off.

Kentucky Joe fights the unfair stereotypes associated with his beloved state. He will wear shoes, but socks are no longer mandatory. On the other hand, he pees in bushes. The verdict is still out if fried chicken tastes better where he’s from.

funny bachelorette recap-Bachelorette Kaitlyn 2

Note:  Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore.
Tanner was the first dude to chastise Ian for calling his fellow bachelors “lame and shallow.” He admits that this gaggle of men are great conversationalists, even if fart jokes are the order of the day. PS: Princeton needs to teach a class on how NOT to be a jack wagon.

Round two of his attack is all about defending Kaitlyn. An apology to the group will certainly fall on deaf ears, but Kaitlyn deserves one for sure.

Tanner: The fact that she doesn’t like you, doesn’t mean you need to act butthurt.

SIDE LINCEE NOTE:
My friends Emily and Ann totally schooled me on this “butthurt” phenomenon that is sweeping the nation. Or perhaps it swept the nation 10 years ago. Urban Dictionary isn’t clear. Whatever. My point is this: Are you using “butthurt” in your everyday vernacular? How have I missed this? Did it come before or after “on point” or “on fleek?” I’m not sure I want to adopt this phrase. Thoughts?

Once Tanner comes up for air, Corey with an E pipes in and everyone watching from home is too embarrassed to ask, “Who is that?” because the dude owns the moment like someone who was one step away from a contractually obligated three-month engagement. Corey agrees with Tanner—Ian’s delivery was bad, but he did have a point when it came to Kaitlyn’s tacky behavior.

From the coveted front row first chair, Peter Brady whips his head around and confronts Corey with the force of a thousand cursed Hawaiian tiki statues. He channels that energy into a simple inquiry:

Peter: How many weeks were you on the show? [Pause for BURN sounds from audience.] I know Kaitlyn best. I enjoyed the woman I got to know. I won’t let anyone bash her.

Lincee: Except for Our Host Chris Harrison who will later read mean Tweets to her face.

Note: Flowers say “I’m sorry.” Chanel says “I’ve learned my lesson.”
Ian diffuses the tension by raising his hand. Once again, the viewing audience is left scratching their heads. Harrison gives Ian permission to speak. Instead of apologizing from his acrylic seat the ABC Intern swiped from the Austin Powers storage unit on the ABC backlot, Ian stands up and removes his jacket. I found it odd that his sleeves were already rolled up, but I decided to just roll with the bizarre moment. Like Harrison, I truly wanted to see what this chach was going to do.

Ian meanders down the bleachers to stand in front of the men. At first I thought he was going to ask Harrison to mediate a town hall meeting, but he dropped to one knee before I could get excited about that idea. As he pours out all of his regret, the ladies in the audience started giggling. When he gets on both knees, I decided it was time to study the backside of my couch cushion. Lord make it stop.

After openly admitting each and every poor choice he made during his exit, JJ stands up and shakes his hand. He is followed by Kentucky Joe and Tanner. I believe in that moment, Tanner was a victim to peer pressure.

Note: Villains gotta vil. Feelers gotta feel.
Clint wants everyone to know that he is a straight man. And that he can grow a beard way better than Jared. Unfortunately, no one cares if Clint is straight or not. They are more concerned about him being a complete d-bag on the show. Corey with an E has very strong feelings about this fact and takes up a good two minutes berating Clint for being the most arrogant man in the house.

Settle down Corey. Can you please give someone else on the back row a chance to contribute? Thank you.

JJ speaks up next. He tells everyone “villains gotta vil” was tongue-in-cheek. He and Clint went “beyond the surface” and weren’t guilty of anything but being intellectually curious with one another.

Clint once again wants everyone to know that he is straight.

Note: Dance like you’re putting on skinny jeans.
Everyone hates Nick. The end.

Note: Stop trying to impress us with your ten dollar words.
While in the hot seat, JJ explains why he slapped himself after Clint left. The answer? Because he deserved it. A chorus of, “AMEN” issues forth from the in-studio audience. Harrison tells JJ that “as strange as it may seem,” Kaitlyn actually liked him to the surprise of everyone involved on the show. Also, his bromance with Clint totally ruined his game.

JJ uses words like “placate” and “denigrate” as Ian nods in Ivy League understanding from the back row. JJ blames his crass behavior on the other guys not understanding his brand of hockey locker room humor. Hopefully, Tanner, Jared, Joe, Joshua (who will be joining him on Bachelor Paradise) will jump on this bandwagon.

Note: Roses are red. Violets are blue. Vodka costs less than dinner for two.
Although Ben Z. can probably get a date with everyone in the studio (including Clint), he still hasn’t cried…even after Kaitlyn dumped him.

OHCH: Inside, I’m crying right now.
Lincee: Aren’t we all?

Note: With a great beard comes great responsibility.
After reading iHateGreenBeans.com, Harrison convinced Jared to shave his patchy beard. Hooray! Fun fact: “Linger” by The Cranberries seems to be following him wherever he goes. Plus, he’s adopted Gosling’s hankering for a nice pair of jaunty socks.

Note: “Let’s do it for Johnny!”
Peter lets everyone in on the infamous night where he took a shower in San Antonio. He said that Kaitlyn ditched her microphone AND the camera crew and was able to sneak into his shared room with Gosling. They talked for hours. As mentioned before, he left to take a shower and when he returned, he was nearly shocked by the electricity in the room. He was an outsider. He’ll always be an outsider.

Note: The judge from Iceland deducts 10 points for transparency.
Kaitlyn enters the room in a costume she borrowed from Michelle Kwan when she won the short program in the 1998 Olympic Games in Nagano.

Note: Haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.
Did we really have to watch Harrison bring Kaitlyn to tears by reading hateful messages from mean people on Twitter? Why is this a thing?

Note: Players gonna play, play, play, play, play.
Jonathan wants to know why Kaitlyn told everyone that she thought her husband was in the room and then immediately invited Nick to be a part of the show. She shuts him down with a single question: Didn’t you vote for Britt? Touché.

And finally, we get an answer to the age old question: “Why do you have tattoos of birds on your arms if you hate them?”

Kaitlyn: I can’t see them!

funny bachelorette recap-Jim Halpert

Next week is the The Bachelorette finale. I have no idea which guy Kaitlyn will choose. But what I do know is that Bachelor Paradise is going to be FULL OF TEARS AND DRAMA. It’s also going to be two nights per week.

Heaven give us and Ashley I-Lashes strength.

funny bachelorette recap-Bachelorette Kaitlyn

Comments

150 Comments on "‘The Bachelorette’ Men Tell All recap: Remind me who Corey is again?"

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Kathy

Shouldn’t that say, didn’t you vote for Britt?

A spectacular recap as always! There were a few guys I was trying to remember who they were.

Ian, Ian, Ian….just keep your seat next time.

Haley

Well you’re right about it being able to be condensed into maybe 20 minutes. I thought they dragged the Clint/JJ friendship waaaaaay out. I actually grew tired of this joke from day 1. People can sincerely really hit it off with another person (same gender or not) and be incredibly close friends.

I thought Ian’s apology was unexpected in how sincere it seemed, but glad he tried to make amends.

I can’t wait for Bachelor in Paradise Lincee! 2 days-can we handle it?!

PS I never use butthurt (not my thing) but I think this has been around for at least ten years-prior to on fleek, and maybe post on-point? Vocabulary is a tricky game!

Abby
Abby

I’m making a prediction for next week (but it’s NOT a spoiler because I haven’t read any spoilers!)…in the promos, when she is standing in her fancy engagement dress, she is NOT wearing the “promise ring” Nick gave her…I’d imagine if Nick were proposing, she would have kept that ring on. So…I say, Shawn it is! Although, at this point, I think Nick is the lesser of two evils.

starhermit
starhermit

Hi Lincee,

I think you mean “She shuts him down with a single question: Didn’t you vote for BRITT?” 🙂 Love the ice skating costume reference! This episode was truly painful to watch. Did anyone else notice that Ian’s apology to Kaitlyn was all about himself? He didn’t say anything about being sorry for saying mean / inappropriate things to her, just that he wants everyone to know that that’s not who he truly is. He’s clearly still a narcissistic douchenozzle who just doesn’t get it.

Abby
Abby

YES. I had the same thought…his apology was NOT for the rude things he said! His apology was that he didn’t represent himself properly…and she ate it up. I wanted to yell, “NO CALL HIM OUT ON IT KAITLYN!!”

Yesi
Yesi

LOL Good observation, I did not catch that!

Pia
Pia

Right on, starhermit. If you Google Narcissistic Personality Disorder, there he is.

marymary
marymary

Totally agree about Ian! He never said that he was sorry for saying mean and inappropriate things to her. Why not just own up that you were jealous and hurt that the two of you didn’t have a connection, and you acted in a childish manner? “I’m sorry for the way I behaved towards you” is the starting point, in my opinion!

Heather
Heather

I agree! Ian kept saying “I want people to know that’s not who I am.” That apology was all about saving face and had nothing to do with feeling bad for how he made her feel. What a d-bag!

Fan in AZ
Fan in AZ

Yes, that apology was because he was embarrassed that he “misrepresented” himself. I personally do not think it was any misrepresentation. He would not have said those things about himself if he did not honestly believe them. It’s just that egomaniac is not something he wants on his resume.

April

Yes! He wants the world to know he is humble and his past behavior doesn’t represent who he is. Ha! Humble people do not announce in a grandiose and showboat-y way TWICE “I am humble”. Sure, he probably felt like an ass after watching himself and felt remiss… about his reputation.

Rosa
Rosa

YES! YES! YES! BEST recap line of the season…Note: Flowers say “I’m sorry.” Channel says “I’ve learned my lesson.” (Ahem CHANEL…hey it happens)

Pia
Pia

Ian… no one who is humble, says they are humble. It was so uncomfortable to watch him address the guys, then later Kaitlyn. Ugh. Go back to school, Ian. Learn something this time.

Best line: The judge from Iceland deducts 10 points for transparency. Oh my gosh, Lincee, on fleek, point, etc. I was wondering what was going on with that dress. It was as if she’d spilled something in her lap and wiped off patches of sparkles in an attempt to get it together before walking on stage.

Kristin
Kristin

Oh yeah! That was a good line! It was very transparent–and in a very patchy way!

chiromom
chiromom

Maybe the patchy dress was an homage to Jared’s former “beard?”

Kelli
Kelli

Thanks for giving us the LinceeNotes ™. I fell asleep at 8:30 because it was so boring.

As for butthurt–I use it sparingly but in the correct context. For example, one of the guys I used to work with made terrible coffee, despite being given specific instructions on how to dump the packet of coffee in the coffee maker and pour the water in. He acted all ‘butthurt’ about it;.

As for the winner, does anyone really care at this point? They’ll be engaged the customary 3 months and issue a statement through People magazine that they still love and respect each other and we’ll move on to the Bachelor in Paradise without blinking an eye.

Sheesh
Sheesh

I care!

I hope she ends up with Nick because they really seem to have something going there, and isn’t love what this is all about? Life that is, which includes this franchise.

Julie
Julie

Wow, was OHCH in rare form last night or what?! He had so many amazing one-liners and facial expressions, I gave up attempting to remember them all. His reactions to Ian were priceless, and I loved the “I’m crying inside right now” line when he was talking to Ben Z. I also loved when one of the guys (Tanner?) blurted out, “Are you proposing right now?” when Ian was in the middle of his strange apology.

On a more serious note, I had really mixed feelings about the way they chose to address the hate mail Kaitlyn’s been receiving. I applaud Chris for addressing how out of line and despicable some of the tweets and emails have been, and for making it clear that he supports Kaitlyn and thinks that she is a far better role model than any of the women who sent them are. But was it really necessary to read them out loud and show them on the screen? It was pretty unsettling. Though, not all that surprising. Slut shaming is rampant in our society, and women are typically the hardest on other women. It’s just so sad/frustrating to me, because anyone who thinks that this is the first time a bachelor or bachelorette has slept with someone this early on is kidding him/herself. It’s simply the first time they’ve chosen to openly address it, and I honestly respect Kaitlyn a lot more than just about any contestant who has gone before her, for choosing to be honest about it.

That said, I think that Ben/Peter is way too nice a guy for her, and I’m glad he got cut when he did. I’ll be curious to see what happens if the rumors are true and he is the next bachelor. He seems too genuine for a process like this, and I’d hate to see it break him.

Lisa
Lisa

Julie, I agree that it was appropriate to address the cyberbullying, but it was beyond disturbing to hear OHCH repeatedly emphasizing the word “whore” to Kaitlyn’s face. I wanted to put my fingers in my ears and hum the theme from “The Brady Bunch” to protect my innocence.
Still think Ben/Peter is too good to be the Bachelor and I don’t want to see him forced to feel up 25 women, only to have Kaitlyn show up mid-season to admit she still has feelings for him and wants to “see where this goes “

Kari K
Kari K

That was a tough segment to watch when he read the tweets. Did anyone else notice that Kaitlyn owned her actions and even when one of the guys confronted her on why she brought back Nick, she said that she needed to do it. She also said that she wasn’t perfect and that the decisions of the Bachelor/ette are tough in the moment. When she said that, she looked directly at Peter/Ben. Hmm…

I do think she owned her decisions throughout and didn’t shy away from them. Good on her.

Morgan
Morgan

She definitely owned her actions. No question about that. She also did not seem to care too much what impact her actions had on others.

When they called her out about an entire week being devoted to the conversation of Nick. She did own it – she wanted to know what they thought about Nick. At the expense of their time with her. Nick was her priority.

No apology for wasting their time, she just owned it.

Sheesh
Sheesh

Sorry, what was she supposed to be sorry for? Her job was to narrow the field, and it seemed to me she was as decent as she could be, and obviously felt bad for hurting people.

In one of the clips from next week she was crying and apologising because she had to take it that far to figure it out. I’ve never heard another contestant do that.

Oh, and they get paid for their time.

Andrea
Andrea

As usual, the recap was far more entertaining than the episode.

Favorite line:

“JJ uses words like “placate” and “denigrate” as Ian nods in Ivy League understanding from the back row.”

Kelly

YES, favorite line as well! “Ian nodding in Ivy League understanding.” Both d-bags in my opinion and whatever they say is ridiculous.

Tara

Great recap of a lame and boring evening. I was SO looking forward to Men Tell All, but they really didn’t tell anything, did they?

Best line: Peter Brady whips his head around and confronts Corey with the force of a thousand cursed Hawaiian tiki statues.

Christi
Christi

I use your nicknames for them in regular conversation about the Bachelorette and then get confused looks when people don’t know who Gosling or Peter Brady are….

LOVE the recap. #prayforashleyilashes

Rob'n'Trish
Rob'n'Trish

Like!

Jess
Jess

Wonderful recap of a hot mess. My favorite line: JJ uses words like “placate” and “denigrate” as Ian nods in Ivy League understanding from the back row.

OHCH brought his A-game with those expressions.

KJM
KJM

I think Kaitlyn and the cyber hate shows to wrong ends of the spectrum. Those people absolutely said horrible things that no one should have to read/hear about themselves. At the same time, Kaitlyn is praised for standing by everything she did and said, even if it was hurtful, which makes her a strong woman. I disagree, I think it takes a much stronger person to recognize their mistakes and apologize for them rather than give excuses.

Yesi
Yesi

Well put! I totally agree they went way off base on that one! I couldn’t even bear to see or hear the segment because cyber bullying is beside the point- I had to skip it. We get it, cyber bullying happens, but it shouldn’t. It was not relevant to the show.

WhydoIlovethisshow
WhydoIlovethisshow

The cyberbullying was hateful, and people who disapproved of Kaitlyn’s behavior should have expressed themselves more politely. However, Kaitlyn cannot complain about how this affects her family when it wouldn’t have affected them at all if she had made better decisions. It’s not like she was unaware that she was being filmed!

Also, did anyone see the rather stunned look on Peter Brady’s face when she told him that the reason she told Gosling about what happened with Nick was because she knew honesty was a big deal to him? She might as well have just slapped poor Peter, because she basically said she didn’t feel she had to be honest with him.

Christine
Christine

Poor Peter looked stunned, like a deer in the headlights. Thanks for mentioning that.Honesty & trust are a big deal with everyone.

Abby
Abby

Exactly! I cringed when she gave that reason…I’ve been so sick of hearing “honesty/trust is a big thing for him.” Who is not important to??? She should have just been honesty and said that she had stronger feelings for Shawn at that point and that’s why she told him, not the others. So awkward.

Macedonian hussy

I agree. ouCH picked the tweets with the most “whore” usage and most sexually explicit slams. It only added insult to injury and most titillating (nod head in understanding, Ian!) to sickos.

KJM
KJM

*two wrong ends

loves waves
loves waves

Lincee, your recap did the show itself more justice than it deserves.

Did anyone notice the Guru (name escapes me now, sitting directly behind Peter/Ben’s head) hold up a thing that looked like a dirt heart when the camera focused on Peter/Ben? Like a secret message to one of his followers?

One suggestion: save your dinner dishes for when you need to get away from the show, like for the Ian performance. You’ll feel much cleaner, and it’s usually just enough time.

It’s very annoying that they allow very minor players (Corey) to insert themselves and their opinions to play a major part in the MTA. There are usually only 4 or 5 participants worth hearing from, and I thought the time wasted on the JJ/Clint show was absurd.

While I’m glad OHCH introduced the subject of cyberbullying, I regret they felt compelled to read out and show on the screen what she received. Too much, it seems to me.

Oh, and on the use of “butthurt” — I wouldn’t use the term under any circumstances. Not sure if a woman my age (62) would even be able to say it without those around her laughing hysterically. Plenty of words available to convey the same message!

As always, thanks Lincee!

Christine
Christine

Loves waves, I’m 64 & I agree with you about butthurt. I think it’s our age.
I also agree with you about Corey. Shhhh & let the guys who were there awhile talk.
Fabulous recap, just like every single week!

Ann
Ann

Same age group, ladies, and I have never heard that term. However, it makes me want to go grab the Preparation H. I detest vulgarity and that just – well, ick.

One thing TMTA showed me was that there were a bunch of nice, cute guys on this season (Peter Brady, of course, Ben Z, Tanner, Cupcake, and Jared – who, although I am glad he shaved, showed a level of class never heretofore seen on the franchise). They got lost in all the angst and unpleasantness. Notice that they almost never (maybe never) had to bleep those guys. As someone old enough to be their mom, I would be proud of their behavior.

Favorite line:

OHCH: Inside, I’m crying right now.
Lincee: Aren’t we all?

Amen, Lincee, amen.

Fan in AZ
Fan in AZ

Butthurt is definitely a thing. About 10 years sounds right.

Ebba
Ebba

Great recap! I almost fell over when Corey kept talking. I honestly don’t remember a thing about him. But what I found most annoying was him not owning his opinions.

First he agrees with Ian and calls Kaitlyn out on her behavior, but when Ian “apologises” he claps like everyone else and (I think) shakes Ians hand. I just kind of made me feel like he’s just trying to look good, though from what I have gathered he did not succeed.

Kelly

I also kept looking at the Guru and hoping he would chime in. He was mouthing (chanting?)faint words during the show. I think he was just in his own little Tony world.

loves waves
loves waves

Did you also notice the Guru (name escapes me now, sitting directly behind Peter/Ben’s head) hold up a thing that looked like a dirt heart when the camera focused on Peter/Ben? Like a secret message to one of his followers?

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