Everyone knows that The Bachelorette Men Tell All episode is notoriously boring. Quite honestly, ninety percent of the show could easily be watered down into a tidy 20-minute segment. Of course Mike Fleiss would rather saw off an appendage before he let that happen, so it’s up to me to filter through all of the trips down Memory Lane and omit the superfluous outbursts from that random guy on the back row.

Because I know that your time is extremely valuable, I have compiled two hours worth of information into a few finite points. Consider this your CliffsNotes version of the episode. Or the LinceeNotes, if you will.

I’m happy to help. Call me if you’re interested in my abbreviated version of Jane Eyre.

Note: It’s going to rock your socks off.
Kentucky Joe fights the unfair stereotypes associated with his beloved state. He will wear shoes, but socks are no longer mandatory. On the other hand, he pees in bushes. The verdict is still out if fried chicken tastes better where he’s from.

Note:  Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore.
Tanner was the first dude to chastise Ian for calling his fellow bachelors “lame and shallow.” He admits that this gaggle of men are great conversationalists, even if fart jokes are the order of the day. PS: Princeton needs to teach a class on how NOT to be a jack wagon.

Round two of his attack is all about defending Kaitlyn. An apology to the group will certainly fall on deaf ears, but Kaitlyn deserves one for sure.

Tanner: The fact that she doesn’t like you, doesn’t mean you need to act butthurt.

SIDE LINCEE NOTE:
My friends Emily and Ann totally schooled me on this “butthurt” phenomenon that is sweeping the nation. Or perhaps it swept the nation 10 years ago. Urban Dictionary isn’t clear. Whatever. My point is this: Are you using “butthurt” in your everyday vernacular? How have I missed this? Did it come before or after “on point” or “on fleek?” I’m not sure I want to adopt this phrase. Thoughts?

Once Tanner comes up for air, Corey with an E pipes in and everyone watching from home is too embarrassed to ask, “Who is that?” because the dude owns the moment like someone who was one step away from a contractually obligated three-month engagement. Corey agrees with Tanner—Ian’s delivery was bad, but he did have a point when it came to Kaitlyn’s tacky behavior.

From the coveted front row first chair, Peter Brady whips his head around and confronts Corey with the force of a thousand cursed Hawaiian tiki statues. He channels that energy into a simple inquiry:

Peter: How many weeks were you on the show? [Pause for BURN sounds from audience.] I know Kaitlyn best. I enjoyed the woman I got to know. I won’t let anyone bash her.

Lincee: Except for Our Host Chris Harrison who will later read mean Tweets to her face.

Note: Flowers say “I’m sorry.” Chanel says “I’ve learned my lesson.”
Ian diffuses the tension by raising his hand. Once again, the viewing audience is left scratching their heads. Harrison gives Ian permission to speak. Instead of apologizing from his acrylic seat the ABC Intern swiped from the Austin Powers storage unit on the ABC backlot, Ian stands up and removes his jacket. I found it odd that his sleeves were already rolled up, but I decided to just roll with the bizarre moment. Like Harrison, I truly wanted to see what this chach was going to do.

.@chrisbharrison has the best expressions tonight. #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/QZRTMa5bUQ

— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) July 21, 2015

Ian meanders down the bleachers to stand in front of the men. At first I thought he was going to ask Harrison to mediate a town hall meeting, but he dropped to one knee before I could get excited about that idea. As he pours out all of his regret, the ladies in the audience started giggling. When he gets on both knees, I decided it was time to study the backside of my couch cushion. Lord make it stop.

After openly admitting each and every poor choice he made during his exit, JJ stands up and shakes his hand. He is followed by Kentucky Joe and Tanner. I believe in that moment, Tanner was a victim to peer pressure.

Note: Villains gotta vil. Feelers gotta feel.
Clint wants everyone to know that he is a straight man. And that he can grow a beard way better than Jared. Unfortunately, no one cares if Clint is straight or not. They are more concerned about him being a complete d-bag on the show. Corey with an E has very strong feelings about this fact and takes up a good two minutes berating Clint for being the most arrogant man in the house.

Settle down Corey. Can you please give someone else on the back row a chance to contribute? Thank you.

JJ speaks up next. He tells everyone “villains gotta vil” was tongue-in-cheek. He and Clint went “beyond the surface” and weren’t guilty of anything but being intellectually curious with one another.

Clint once again wants everyone to know that he is straight.

Note: Dance like you’re putting on skinny jeans.
Everyone hates Nick. The end.

Note: Stop trying to impress us with your ten dollar words.
While in the hot seat, JJ explains why he slapped himself after Clint left. The answer? Because he deserved it. A chorus of, “AMEN” issues forth from the in-studio audience. Harrison tells JJ that “as strange as it may seem,” Kaitlyn actually liked him to the surprise of everyone involved on the show. Also, his bromance with Clint totally ruined his game.

JJ uses words like “placate” and “denigrate” as Ian nods in Ivy League understanding from the back row. JJ blames his crass behavior on the other guys not understanding his brand of hockey locker room humor. Hopefully, Tanner, Jared, Joe, Joshua (who will be joining him on Bachelor Paradise) will jump on this bandwagon.

Note: Roses are red. Violets are blue. Vodka costs less than dinner for two.
Although Ben Z. can probably get a date with everyone in the studio (including Clint), he still hasn’t cried…even after Kaitlyn dumped him.

OHCH: Inside, I’m crying right now.
Lincee: Aren’t we all?

Note: With a great beard comes great responsibility.
After reading iHateGreenBeans.com, Harrison convinced Jared to shave his patchy beard. Hooray! Fun fact: “Linger” by The Cranberries seems to be following him wherever he goes. Plus, he’s adopted Gosling’s hankering for a nice pair of jaunty socks.

Note: “Let’s do it for Johnny!”
Peter lets everyone in on the infamous night where he took a shower in San Antonio. He said that Kaitlyn ditched her microphone AND the camera crew and was able to sneak into his shared room with Gosling. They talked for hours. As mentioned before, he left to take a shower and when he returned, he was nearly shocked by the electricity in the room. He was an outsider. He’ll always be an outsider.

Note: The judge from Iceland deducts 10 points for transparency.
Kaitlyn enters the room in a costume she borrowed from Michelle Kwan when she won the short program in the 1998 Olympic Games in Nagano.

Note: Haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.
Did we really have to watch Harrison bring Kaitlyn to tears by reading hateful messages from mean people on Twitter? Why is this a thing?

Note: Players gonna play, play, play, play, play.
Jonathan wants to know why Kaitlyn told everyone that she thought her husband was in the room and then immediately invited Nick to be a part of the show. She shuts him down with a single question: Didn’t you vote for Britt? Touché.

And finally, we get an answer to the age old question: “Why do you have tattoos of birds on your arms if you hate them?”

Kaitlyn: I can’t see them!

Next week is the The Bachelorette finale. I have no idea which guy Kaitlyn will choose. But what I do know is that Bachelor Paradise is going to be FULL OF TEARS AND DRAMA. It’s also going to be two nights per week.

Heaven give us and Ashley I-Lashes strength.