‘The Bachelorette’ recap: Dirty little secret

funny bachelorette recap-Bachelorette Kaitlyn

It’s week 8 of The Bachelorette and the jig is finally up. The cat is out of the bag. The beans have been spilled. All has been revealed. The whistle has been blown (not a euphemism). The veil has been drawn. The skeleton has been drug out of the closet and inspected with an inordinate amount of S-I-L-E-N-C-E.

In other words—Kailtyn finally told Gosling that she had relations with Nick. That should buy him five years on the couch.

And to make matters worse, the super romantic row boat date went to Peter Brady. If Gosling sticks around after all of this injustice, he deserves to get the girl.

On to the recap!

ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Peter Brady

Peter hops in a boat with Kaitlyn and rows her all the way to an island. Thankfully, several flocks of geese were not resting on the water during a winter migration. Peter gracefully navigates the boat as Kaitlyn broods about her failed relationship with Cupcake. Peter allows Kaitlyn to express her emotions on the water, but when they reach land, all bets are off. It takes two to frolic among the enchanting deer (kudos ABC Intern) and play hide-n-seek among Irish ruins.

Kaitlyn tells Peter that he “seems like husband material.” She follows that charming compliment by fishing for one of her own.

Kait: Do you think I’m wife material?
Peter: You killed the physical attraction part. And I feel joy and hope when I’m around you. What are you looking for in a husband?

Kait: Well, sometimes I’m hard to deal with. I’m looking for someone who won’t give up on me.
Peter: I didn’t know that was an option.
Lincee: That’s sweet Pete. But will you feel the same when she eventually tells you that she and Nick saw each other out of their skinny jeans?

That night, Peter looks extremely handsome in his maroon sweater and grey pants. He escorts Kaitlyn to the fireplace where they load up on whiskey and reminisce about how the day had been just like any other normal day in their lives. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought the same thing when exploring an ancient castle on a deserted island.

Then Peter takes the conversation to a deeper level. He shares with Kaitlyn that sometimes he feels unlovable because of how his relationship ended with an ex-girlfriend. Call me crazy, but I felt very defensive at that moment. How dare someone force Peter to come to such a ridiculous conclusion. YOU ARE TOTALLY LOVABLE PETER!

Kaitlyn feels the same as I do. In fact, she calls him a big old dummy for adopting such nonsense. Then she tells him that she is falling in love with him. He smiles and tells her that he is falling for her too. This segues nicely into a conversation about fantasy dates. Peter assures Kaitlyn that the stigma and pressure that overnight dates have to be physical should not be a concern. He’s way more interested in talking all night.

Kaitlyn interprets this information with a strange filter. Instead of concluding that Peter is a gentleman who respects her reputation, as well as his own, Kaitlyn flat out asks him if he is a virgin.

I suddenly found myself falling into the four stages of horror. My eyes widened in shock. My voice issued forth a weird noise that can only be described as the sound one makes when almost swallowing her own tongue. I wedged myself behind the couch cushion so deep that I found a few M&Ms to snack on. And I shoved my fingers into my ears as I rocked back and forth singing the lyrics of “Good Time Music.”

By the time I crawled out from the crevices of the couch, I learned that Peter is not a virgin and watched as Kentucky Joe, Gosling, Nick and Jared tried to educate each other on the phrase “running amok.” Apparently, that’s what KJ, Gos and Nick will be doing with Kaitlyn on their upcoming group date.

Once the ABC Intern transports the deer from the island back to the main castle, the group date participants settle on lawn furniture for a nice chat in freezing temperatures. Gosling is the first to steal Kaitlyn away. They agree that their last exchange at the previous cocktail party (the one about taking a step back) was stupid. They kiss and make up. We are led to believe that Kaitlyn is about to drop the panty bomb on Gosling when Nick arrives to steal her away.

Nick and Kaitlyn share a flannel blanket while sitting on a tiny log. She mumbles something about “the other night” and Nick mumbles something about “falling in love.” I yell something about, “GET YOUR HAND OFF YOUR MOUTH” and “CAN WE GET SOME SUB-TITLES OVER HERE?” Nick asks how she feels about their union. She asks how Nick feels about keeping secrets. No one asks me how I feel about Nick’s hoodie/leather jacket combo. It was unsettling for us all, to say the least.

After gallantly asking to please wipe Kaitlyn’s lip gloss from Gosling’s upper lip, Kentucky Joe finds a quaint little bench tucked away in a garden. Since this is his fifth group date and he has yet to secure a one-on-one, Kentucky Joe holds nothing back. When Kaitlyn asks him if he’s ready to be engaged to her, he answers with a slow, yet aggressive kiss that involved lots of tongue. I mean lots of tongue.

KJ intersperses the kiss with promises to embrace her just like this for the next 60 years of their lives. Kaitlyn’s head drops and he loses eye contact.

Uh oh.

Kentucky Joe presses his forehead against hers because it would be awkward to have to squat down in front of the bench and kiss her from below. Kaitlyn launches into a prepared speech that begins with, “I want to be brutally honest with you.”

Read the signs Joe. Back away from the gloss-less lips.

Kaitlyn hems and haws forever. I shout, “RIP THE BAND-AID.” Kentucky takes an equally direct, yet softer approach.

KJ: What are you trying to say Kaitlyn?
Kait: We are on different pages.
KJ: That’s cool.

Oh dear.

Now it’s Kentucky Joe’s turn to not make contact. His face is cold, distant and full of embarrassment. Naturally Kaitlyn wants to process through the moment and evaluate the overwhelming fusillade of feelings. But Kentucky Joe clings to a handful of interjections.

Kait: I needed you to put yourself out there.
KJ: Cool. No problem. I get it. I’m not upset.

Kait: I would be upset.
KJ: It’s cool. No problem.

I’m confident we were one exchange away from a whimsical “Hakuna Matata” when Kaitlyn rattles Kentucky Joe’s cage by asking for a so long hug. He shrugs and leans in for the kind of embrace your mom made you give a complete stranger when you were a kid. Kaitlyn becomes offended. Joe tells her he has nothing to say. When she challenges him, he asks, “What am I supposed to do?”

I have a theory. I completely believe that Kentucky Joe was legitimately asking Kaitlyn what he was physically supposed to do at that moment. She just said goodbye. This isn’t a rose ceremony. He’s at a castle in the middle of Ireland and she’s about to ditch him for a intruder with odd side parts and a guy who doodles K+G in a notebook. Is there a rejection limo somewhere? Should he hop a rainbow and use it as a slide to get back home? Will there be time to stop at the Guinness Museum before heading to the airport?

Kaitlyn strokes her saber-tooth tiger tusk necklace as she makes her way back to her number one and number two guys. She explains that she sent Joe home and doesn’t really feel like handing out a rose at that moment. However, she does feel like playing her own version of the game by requesting some alone time with Gosling.

Here’s what I think is happening. Kaitlyn likes Gosling. She wants to legitimately tell him the story about she and Nick doing the nasty BEFORE her overnight date. But, she also knows that Gosling may walk upon hearing the lovely news. Therefore, she’s not going to waste a rose on Gosling just in case he bolts. Am I right?

Gosling settles on the couch in his pink button down. It compliments her white snake skin skirt—a symbol of the two directions this conversation may go… “Is This Love” or “Here I Go Again (On My Own).”

Google it kids. That was a solid 80s reference.

Kaitlyn preps the big reveal for 10 minutes before finally admitting that her one-on-one date with Nick went too far. Gosling stares at her. Afraid that he didn’t quite get the gist of her previous statement, she follows up with a blunt, “We had sex.”

So…much…silence. SO MUCH SILENCE! I walked away, made myself a sandwich, ate a pickle, did some sit-ups, checked my email, wrote an article for a publication, came back to the TV just as Gosling uttered his first question: “Do you regret it?”

Kaitlyn tells him that she felt guilty, which is the exact opposite of what she told America as she Mesnicked on her balcony the morning after with Nick. She was worried about what it would do to their relationship. She wanted to be honest before they forwent together in their own fantasy suite.

Gosling wisely takes a moment to regroup in the bathroom. Kaitlyn nervously strokes her warthog tusk statement ring, waiting for his return. Gosling comes back and thanks Kaitlyn for being honest with him. He admits that he is upset that she went too far with “that guy,” but in the end, she’s the only thing he wants out of this hellish adventure. He’s going to man up, deal with it and move on.

I’m sorry. Did I just hear that correctly? Someone has handled a difficult situation with maturity on The Bachelorette? Is that true or do I need to cut wheat out of my diet?

Gosling returns to the Irish version of the dude mansion where Jared and Nick are anxiously awaiting to see if he has a rose. I assume Peter was showering upstairs. Nick is happy to see that Gosling did NOT get a rose. He proceeds to wax on about how confident he is that he will be going through to the next round. I wanted Gosling to punch him. That did not happen.

ROSE CEREMONY
It’s a new day. Gosling thought about his dilemma and he has now decided that he doesn’t know if he’s going to accept Kaitlyn’s rose. Let’s all pause while I roll my eyes at this obvious falsehood. He makes extra sure to tell the camera that his alone time at the cocktail party with Kaitlyn is extremely important. I was not at all surprised when Harrison announces that there would be no cocktail party, but everyone is welcome to seek him out later to tell him how hot he looks in purple.

Kaitlyn arrives dressed as Disco Ball Barbie. Her first rose goes to Gosling. Instead of accepting, he asks to speak privately with her in the next room. He just needs a few minutes for her to explain why she would choose “that guy” of all people to give her an Irish stamp in her passport. Instead of blaming it on the alcohol, Kaitlyn is firm. Gosling must allow her to explore other relationships. And if that means letting Nick pluck her four-leaf clover, so be it. PS: He has to trust her.

TAKE TWO
Kaitlyn asks Gosling, again, if he would accept her rose. He waits the appropriate amount of time for dramatic effect and then answers, “Absolutely.”

Then Kaitlyn gives a rose to PETER BRADY and I shout for joy! I totally though it could only be Jared, but I was wrong. And now Peter has a great chance at landing the next bachelor gig. I have to decide if I’m happy about this or not…

Nick gets the last rose and Jared is left standing in his one o’clock shadow. Kaitlyn walks him out. He offers her his jacket and she begins bawling into his shoulder. This is the rejection where the rose giver always questions his or her decisions. They say their goodbyes and Jared sheds a few tears in the rejection limo.

Never fear Jared. Be on the lookout for a girl who is taking classes at the local Rhode Island community college and waiting tables at your restaurant. Or you can wait and see what’s in store for you on Bachelor Paradise.

FANTASY DATE ONE
Nick

Side note: I wish the show ended with rose ceremonies. The end.

Kaitlyn greets Nick with a warm hug in his fuzzy sweater with wooden toggles. The sweater may be billowy, but the pants are still tight. He takes her to a cathedral, because that’s what they do. He tells her that his parents actually met in church. Kaitlyn feels a spiritual connection. I’m pretty sure it’s because this is the first actual conversation they have ever had.

They hit a bar, because that’s what they do, and mingle with the locals. And by mingle I mean make fun of their accents. We all learn a new word—craic. It means “to have a good time.” Kaitlyn decides that the best place to craic is in an old remodeled jail.

When Nick gets serious, a storm rolls in, foreshadowing the conversation. We’re not sure if it was an actual weather phenomenon or if the ABC Intern was pouring water outside the window while shaking a thunder tube made of a Pringles can and spare marbles. In a nutshell, Nick wants Kaitlyn to know that someone in the house brags about his country music industry friends and their less-than-respectful ways. Kaitlyn doesn’t even hide her eye roll. She demands to know who it is and Nick takes great pride in telling her that it’s Gosling.

Kaitlyn is clearly annoyed. Especially when Nick tells her that “everyone” thinks Gosling is the frontrunner, even though he already bought the milk and not the cow.

Does that expression make sense here? I’m running out of options…

Nick adjusts his new statement bracelets which compliment his promise ring. He prepares himself for a Gosling bashing, yet it does not come. Kaitlyn could care less. She’d rather fast forward to the good part where she gets to prank Nick into thinking they are forgoing on a couple of cots in one of the jail cells.

After Nick reads the recycled forgo card from his season with Andi’s name crossed out, Kaitlyn takes him to a fancy resort. Nick tells the camera that he’s happy to craic wherever—in the creepy jail cell, outside in the fake rain, in a resort—he’s just ready to do this.

Nice.

Kaitlyn and Nick settle in on the bed. The camera zooms in where Kaitlyn’s butt cheeks are basically hanging out of her her short mini dress. Nick gets up to close the door, and the next time we see the lovely couple, they are sharing a plate of bacon the morning after.

Cut to Gosling pacing back and forth later that day. He finally calls the front desk, asking for Nick’s room. The producers instruct Nick to pretend to watch TV for a moment while Gosling makes his way over. They exchange pleasantries when Gosling barges through the door. Fifteen seconds later, Gosling verbally attacks Nick. He thinks Nick is cocky, arrogant, manipulative and not there for the right reasons (right reasons.) Nick tries to defend himself, but Gosling remains steady. Just as I start chanting, “FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!” the camera fades to black and the annoying “to be continued” pops up onto the screen.

In other news, Britt and Brady are going to give the long distance thing a try! Raise your hand if you care.

Also, I have determined that when a contestant’s melt down is severe enough to sit on the ground and grieve, we have what IHGB will call “Cupcake’s Irish Mesnick.”

You are welcome.

What was my favorite part of the night? Well I’m glad you asked.

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