‘The Bachelorette’ recap: Nick for now. Texas forever.

funny bachelorette recap-Bachelorette Kaitlyn

As we have just finished week 5 of The Bachelorette, I think it would be fun to perform a postmortem on a few of the eliminated contestants.

WEEK 1
Drunk Guy makes a complete fool of himself. Our Host Chris Harrison doesn’t even consult Kaitlyn before escorting him beyond the freshly washed driveway and into a designated rejection SUV.

Also in week 1, Brady chooses to forego any chance he has with Kaitlyn in lieu of pursuing Britt. Harrison loans him the keys of the rejection SUV, punches in the address of the Ramada Inn in the GPS, and wishes Brady all the luck in the world. Team Brat share a lovely free continental breakfast of Otis Spunkmeyer blueberry muffins and orange juice. Brady has high hopes that Britt will accept his matching do-rags and join him at Bonnaroo with the tickets he plans on scoring after selling the contents of his ABC Bachelorette grab bag on E-Bay.

WEEK 2
Kupah gives in to the pressure in the second episode and his anger overflows. His mouth wrote a check his pretty face and charm couldn’t cash. Kaitlyn dramatically tosses him to the curb without looking back.

WEEK 3
Tony the Healer decides that his bonsai trees would never force him to do the despicable acts Kaitlyn makes him do. He’s a lover, not a fighter. If Kaitlyn wants to give this a go, she can find him. I’m sure he’s wanted in a few counties for anger management issues. He peaces out quietly into the night .

WEEK 4
Clint digs his own grave. Sure, he expected JJ to crawl in with him instead of being the first to shove dirt onto his casket, but that can’t be helped now. Clint is the resident villain and he must be kicked out and replaced with a new, better model named Nick.

WEEK 5
After Ian’s little stunt in San Antonio, I assume he will be the next to hit the road without the hassle of waiting around for a dumb ole rose ceremony. Naturally ABC chose to black out the screen right after Kaitlyn made this face:

I said it last week, and I’ll say it again: The Bacheorette is going full soap opera genre. We should expect “TO BE CONTINUED” at the end of each episode. It’s time to get on board, people. It’s all or nothing. We’ve come this far. We need to see how this train wreck ends!

ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR CHRIS HARRISON!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the twerking instructor who is obsessed with the fictional life of Jamie and Claire Fraser like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

The episode begins as Nick enters a New York hotel room. All of the current season’s guys are squished onto one couch on the right side of the room. Nick sprawls out, alone, on the big couch on the left side of the room. No one stands up. No one speaks. It’s so quiet, I can hear Peter’s voice going through the change.

Finally, Nick breaks the ice with an eloquent, “I’m not here to cause drama. I just dig this girl.” Everyone accepts this and they play a rousing game of beer pong.

Or not.

Tanner wants to know about the story he read in the tabloids about how Nick and Andi were just together. Nick calmly tells the group that he and Andi were burying the hatchet. Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Tanner also wants to know if he’s just chasing fame? Nick reminds him that he has lived a normal life as a boring software salesman in Chicago. Joshua wants to know how long they have been talking? I want to know why Nick is wearing a Member’s Only jacket? Nick doesn’t address my question, but answers that he and Kaitlyn have interacted for a few months and that they’ve talked on the phone a couple of times.

Nick gives the guys permission to not care about why he’s there, but they must respect his decision to be there. Uhm, okay. Gosling doesn’t make eye contact and refuses to even call Nick by his name. He leaves in search of a rowing machine. I love this guy!

The boys head to the cocktail party at Citi Field Ballpark—home of the New York Mets. Kaitlyn walks in wearing a sparkly dress, knee-high boots and an attitude that screams, “Nick is here to stay guys. Man broach and all. Deal with it.”

JJ wisely asks Kaitlyn to join him on the field. All the other guys groan, knowing that this was a smart move. JJ hoists Kaitlyn in his arms, pretends to swing her like a bat and then runs the bases, holding her in a cradle position. At first I was too distracted by his high water pants and pink socks to determine if this exercise was weird or not. By second base, I decided that it had run its course (no pun intended). By third base, Kaitlyn agreed with me and asked to run the last base herself. Inside, JJ tells Gosling he is the best looking guy in the house, but a clenched jaw does not look good on him.

I don’t get JJ’s deal.

Gosling’s jaw is clenched because he thinks Nick is a complete dill weed. He tells Kaitlyn that he feels himself backing away now that “he” is in the picture. Kaitlyn begins to cry and forces Gos to hold her hand. Ironically, she grabs his hand and places it on her upper thigh. Gosling trips up a bit by starting a sentence with, “I hope you are smarter than…” but saves himself by gently telling Kaitlyn that her actions are not matching up with what she says. Kaitlyn is devastated. Gosling is too. He rushes off to help the ABC Intern build a fancy baseball pedestal for the pitching mound where the rose ceremony will be held.

funny bachelorette recap-Bachelorette KaitlynIt’s unclear why Kaitlyn and Our Host Chris Harrison were allowed to wear their thick winter coats, yet the bachelors had to brave the frigid New York winter. Winter is no longer coming. It is here. And now, The Dentist’s perfect teeth are chattering away and several are experiencing the early stages of frostbite. Let’s get this show on the road!

Instead of pitching each boutonniere to the deserving bachelor, Kaitlyn calls the follow up onto the mound with her:

The Dentist “Cupcake” Chris
Justin
Jared
Peter
Ben
Gosling
Tanner
Kentucky Joe
Ian
JJ
Joshua

After 10 minutes of total silence, Kaitlyn calls Nick’s name. I think she was hoping that the majority of the dudes wouldn’t remember because their brains were frozen. No such luck. The bros hug it out with Jonathan, Corey and Metro Ryan, who have to walk all the way through the outfield to get to their rejection limos. Have fun in Paradise Jonathan!

Instead of heading indoors to toast the next leg of their journey, Kaitlyn makes the guys celebrate with her in the middle of Citi Field as she announces their next destination is San Antonio, Texas! Those who can move their jaws give a halfhearted cheer. I stood up and shouted, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO!”

FIRST ONE-ON-ONE
Peter
“Let’s Take our Love One Step at a Time”

Kaitlyn knows that this week has been full of serious ups and serious lows. Please don’t confuse this with serious highs and serious lows. They are totally different. She is excited to take Peter in a vintage Ford pickup down to Gruene Hall so they can enter a two-stepping contest. I had high hopes that Peter was a dancing man. Although he has proven his slow dancing and dipping skills, his slow, slow, quick, quick needs a little bit of work. With that said, I wouldn’t turn him down if he asked me to dance.

Here’s the thing you have to know about growing up in Small Town Texas. We square danced in elementary school. We country danced at parties where someone’s dad taught all the boys how to lead the girls around the floor when we were in junior high. We call them boots (not cowboy boots.) To quote Justin Matisse, “Dancing is just a conversation between two people. Talk to me.” It’s in our blood. I don’t care if you step all over my feet, I will have a good time. In conclusion, this is my dream date at my dream place with a local legend (Dale Watson!) starring my current favorite bachelor. Lincee gives it an A+.

When Peter hugged the little old lady Betty Jo, my heart melted. He’s so freaking cute.

But he’s also so freaking young, as Kaitlyn pointed out at dinner. At 26, can he really be ready for a lifetime commitment? It certainly didn’t bode well that he told Kaitlyn he has a long-distance relationship that didn’t work about because he had “lost the chase.”

Side Note: Did anyone else feel like his dramatic lead up fell flat once he finally told the story?

At the end of the night, Peter tells Kaitlyn that he felt lucky holding her in his arms at Gruene Hall. Then he starts slow dancing with her and making out. This earned him a rose.

Peter is my guy. But I’m afraid Kaitlyn thinks he’s too young. He will do well on Bachelor in Paradise. Mark my words.

[REMINDER: PLEASE NO SPOILERS IN THE COMMENT SECTION! I HAVE NO IDEA IF PETER IS ON BIP! IT’S JUST A GUT FEELING!]

GROUP DATE
Justin
Jared
Ian
Chris
Tanner
Joe
JJ
Ben
Joshua
Nick
“I love a man in uniform.”

Kaitlyn arrives wearing a darling denim shirt dress that is extremely cute and length appropriate! Mazel tov! A 12-year-old kid in a mariachi band serenades her and she LOVES it. The kid tells the guys that he just stole Kaitlyn’s heart, and it’s up to one of them to take it back. Muscle won’t help (sorry Ben). You have to listen to mariachi music on an old-school Walkman and compose some lyrics of your own! Naturally, you will be singing in front of an audience of strangers. ¡Ay, caramba!

This revelation sends all the guys into an emotional tailspin. Especially Kentucky Joe. He’s already bared a nut in the sumo “date,” attempted to sing and dance on the Aladdin “date” and now he’s given another musical challenge. It’s fortunate that he can kiss so good.

Ian is excited that he just so happens to have muscle, brains, a heart and the musical stylings of insert-popular-R&B-artist-name-here. Joshua is only worried about beating Nick. And Nick just wants to show Kaitlyn that he can have fun making a fool of himself.

funny bachelorette recap-Bachelorette KaitlynJustin is first and he is terrible. JJ steals one of the mariachi band member’s guitar and pitifully strums out his ridiculous lyrics. Jared “aye, aye, aye, aye’s” to the audience and they actually sort of participate. Joe asks Kaitlyn to “mariachi-marry me” and ends his set with a kiss. (See? He knows how to play the game.) Ian limps through his performance, later beating himself up for choking. Joshua was simply horrendous.

And then there’s Nick. He one-ups the guys by dragging Kaitlyn to a balcony so he can serenade her above the crowd. He rhymes “connection” with “erection” and she LOVES it.

Nick: I wasn’t afraid to make a fool of myself. The guys have been super cool about it. Except Josh. Josh seems pissed.
Lincee: Probably because you’re calling him Josh. It’s Joshua.

At the cocktail party, Kaitlyn arrives in a leather fringe skirt that is pretty cute and obviously themed for the occasion. I won’t comment on her bronzer. Joshua takes her away so he can prove that he trusts her completely. He hands her a pair of clippers, blindfolds himself (odd) and she proceeds to buzz the entire side of his head. We don’t know if she was trying to be funny or if the ABC Intern was instructed to produce faulty clippers at Joshua’s request. What we do know is that his look is unfortunate. The fact that Kaitlyn points and laughs does not bode well for him either.

Question: Kaitlyn called the clippers a buzzer. Is that a Canadian thing?

Nick tells the camera that he’s not sure how cutting hair advances one through the process (valid point). He prefers making out on a bench. So does Kaitlyn. Later, Joshua tells Nick that he doesn’t trust him. He has an intuition that says something’s wrong. Other guys agree, but only Joshua lets it eat away at his insides.

As the philosopher Adele Dazeem once said, “Let it go! Let it goooooooo!”

Unfortunately, Joshua breaks the cardinal rule of bachelor competition. He tattles on the mean guy to the bachelorette. COME ON JOSHUA! HEAD IN THE GAME! He tells Kaitlyn that Nick brags about his season and that he thinks he’s better than all the other guys. He also casually mentions that no one in the group likes him. Kaitlyn interrupts. Has everyone been lying to her face?

Joshua looks up at her through the hole he dug for himself, trying to claw his way back out. He explains that nobody wants to throw Nick under the bus because it’s really hard having this conversation!

Kaitlyn: SO I’M A FREAKING IDIOT? THEY ARE THROWING ME UNDER THE BUS? WHY IS NO ONE TELLING ME THAT THEY DON’T LIKE NICK?

Hi, Kaitlyn? It’s Lincee. Remember when you were sitting with Gosling a few days ago and he told you about how he didn’t like the new guy? Yeah, he wasn’t talking about the new bagel guy at craft services. He was talking about Nick.

Joshua goes back to the guys and lies about where he has been. Kaitlyn being Kaitlyn, follows him in and drags the entire ordeal out into the open in front of everyone. Who doesn’t like Nick? [silence] Who isn’t being honest with me? [silence] What am I missing? [silence]

funny bachelorette recap-Bachelorette KaitlynShe calls Joshua out, asking him if he thinks the other guys are being honest about their lack of hatred toward Nick. Joshua pleads with the other guys, mentally begging them to pile on, but none want to be on the team with the weirdo who has half of his head shaved.

To spite everyone in the circle, Kaitlyn proudly gives Nick the date rose and challenges anyone to cross her. Cut to all the guys congratulating Nick, asking him to be their new best friend.

SECOND ONE-ON-ONE
Gosling

Kaitlyn meets Gosling at the San Antonio River Walk. They hop into tiny kayaks. Kaitlyn is quick to tell Gosling that no one EVER gets to do this. She doesn’t mention the fact that people refrain from touching the water because it is disgusting. I find it odd that ABC didn’t feature our dynamic duo receiving tetanus shots beforehand, or the round of penicillin administered after their jaunt.

Gosling and Kaitlyn ramble up onto a bank and share margaritas. Gosling wants to be truthful with Kaitlyn, which she totally appreciates. She does not want her journey to be anywhere near the lyrics of a Taylor Swift song. Gosling tells her that he felt bad for Joshua and that he is confident there were a few guys who were scared to speak up the other night. But at the end of the day, he only cares about her. Then they make out on a bridge.

Later than night, Gosling and Kaitlyn hold hands and talk about how they are freaked out that they connected so quickly. He takes a deep breath and proceeds to share something he never talks about—he nearly died in a car wreck.

DRAMATIC STORY BUILD-UP
Gosling—1
Peter—0

Gosling continues that he was in the hospital for several months. He shouldn’t have lived. But he did. And it’s hard for him to be vulnerable, but he’s letting his walls down. Then he tells Kaitlyn, in week 5, that he’s falling in love with her. And she says, “I feel the same way.”

Gosling is going to be soooo mad when he finds out that Kaitlyn had relations with Lon Hammond later this season.

ROSE CEREMONY

All the guys gather together in the fancy hotel lobby. Joshua is crying because he screwed up and no one will fix his lopsided hair. The Dentist wishes he had chosen another blazer color rather than dusty rose. Kentucky Joe makes out with Kaitlyn on a bench. Jared gets some alone time in Kaitlyn’s suite, and even manages to make out horizontally no a rose-petal covered bed. I assume this means she has no problem that Jared is just as young as Peter. Doesn’t she see that he can’t grow a full beard? (Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na, SHA-NA-NA-NA-NA!) Also, Jared told her that he too thinks he’s falling in love with her. So there’s that.

And now for Ian. Tall, handsome, egotistical Ian. I had such high hopes for him. Here are a few things we learn in his “I’m too good for this!” rant:

  1. Kaitlyn isn’t half as hot as my ex-girlfriend.
  2. I bring so much more to the table than any of the guys here.
  3. I have brains, charisma, looks…
  4. I could be the bachelor. I would be a good candidate in this country and the world.
  5. I am an enigma. And who I am is a gift you unwrap for life.
  6. I don’t find Kaitlyn interesting.
  7. I meet chicks and have a lot of sex in my own life.

Then he sits down with Kaitlyn, and tells her this:

  1. For me, this isn’t a vacation. I came to find a wife.
  2. I came here expecting to meet the girl who had her heart broken by The Farmer.
  3. Not the girl who wanted to have her field plowed by The Farmer.
  4. I feel like you are here to make out with a bunch of dudes on TV.
  5. Bringing Nick in, I don’t question his intentions. I question your intentions.
  6. I see you as a surface level person and wonder if you are really that shallow?

TO BE CONTINUED!

Clearly Ian will be the next contestant ousted sans rose ceremony. The guy was just too logical for the show. He tried to put it in a box, checking off rules as he went along. Sadly, Mike Fleiss and Kaitlyn don’t play by the rules. Had he exited quietly, he may saved a little bit of his dignity. Instead, he waved as it passed him by.

What do y’all think? Did you see the scenes for the next episode? Why don’t these people take off their microphones? Does Peter stand a chance? Will Gosling be the next to walk out?

Sound off in the comments section!

And if you didn’t see yesterday’s post, take a look at the cheat sheet I made for the season 2 cast of Bachelor in Paradise by clicking HERE.

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