‘The Bachelorette’ recap: And then there were two

funny bachelorette recap-Bachelorette Kaitlyn

It’s been a weird season of The Bachelorette. Suitors are walking out willy nilly, boutonnieres are left to wilt on the Home Depot pedestal, rose ceremonies are never at the end of the show anymore, statement rings are multiplying like Kaitlyn’s tears and I’m pretty sure Ireland is ready for the ABC production team to polish off their last Guinness before hopping into a paddy-wagon bound for the airport.

Because the franchise has completely thrown out the rulebook, it shouldn’t surprise me that this episode was just as rogue as the ones before. I found it odd that we sat through two fantasy forgo card dates and two “hometown” dates, yet hardly a thing happened in 120 minutes. On paper, that recipe practically declares the promise of countless juicy moments. In reality, everyone said the same thing twice while looking good in fuzzy sweaters.

With that said, there was the moment when a very fit man with concrete hair went streaking on a golf course because he was dared by a girl who potentially could be his wife.

But before we get to Gosling’s random long underwear, (we’ll put a pin in that for now) ABC forces us to watch an obvious planned fight between our resident streaker and the resident villain. Gosling smiles the entire time he challenges Nick for not being there for the right reasons (right reasons.) B-O-R-I-N-G.

Meanwhile, Peter Brady snuggles into his purple sweater and protects Kaitlyn against feisty horses named Archie and Chip.

Kaitlyn: Can they smell fear?
Lincee: No. Bees and dogs smell fear. And the human head weighs eight pounds.

After a leisurely ride through the emerald green countryside, Kaitlyn and Peter take a moment to feed some donkeys with “sick haircuts” before settling down for a picnic. GERM SQUIRT! CAN I GET SOME GERM SQUIRT OVER HERE?

Kaitlyn adjusts her statement ring as Peter confides in the woman grinning next to him that he is falling in love. She compares the moment to a fairy tale instead of a beloved TV sitcom from the ‘70s. She points behind her, noting that they will be dining and forgoing in the gorgeous castle looming in the background.

Peter switches his purple warm and fuzzy sweater for an oatmeal-colored one that brings out his eyes. He gives a delightfully sweet toast before admitting that he just celebrated a birthday on the show. He’s 26. Had I been a promiscuous teenager, I could have birthed this kid. Word.

He tells Kaitlyn that the idea of her being soooo much older than him (she just turned 30 in real life) shouldn’t be an issue. Quite honestly, I think this may have been one of the nails in Peter’s coffin, because home girl WANTS to be a puma. And she has the glittery eyeshadow to prove it.

For the next 30 minutes, Peter tries to have a serious conversation with Kaitlyn about how much he loves her and wants to be with her. He’s the luckiest guy in the world! The onset of emotions rattles our bachelorette. She shoves her hand behind the couch cushion and presents the fantasy forgo card. Kaitlyn basically asks Peter is he’s okay getting busy in the west tower? He answers Kaitlyn, first by acknowledging that it is completely weird that there are other men involved in this journey, but he neither wants to stop talking to her nor leave her.

Remembering that Kaitlyn thinks he’s too innocent, he adds a “best sleepover ever” for good measure. Someone needs to check is bag for itching powder.

Moments later, we are in the throes of the morning after. Peter bids her adieu. He’s wearing capri running pants. I’ll let it slide this time. She lets the camera know that she only got 30 minutes of sleep, yet in the very next scene, she’s greeting Gosling at his doorway with an invitation to go golfing. Oh! And here’s a bright pink shirt and very loud royal blue pants for the course. Enjoy!

This would have been a lot cuter if Kaitlyn had worn something just as outrageous. It felt like he was the joke. She should have joined him in the frivolity. After a few metaphors that compare golf to love (it’s something you can do until you’re old and grey) Kaitlyn challenges Gosling to a rousing game of Truth or Dare. Being the macho guy he is, Gosling picks dare.

And Kaitlyn makes him streak from here to yonder.

The streaking doesn’t bother me. What I really need to know is why Gosling was wearing long underwear under his pants? My initial reaction was to visit the unmentionables section in the men’s department at Macy’s to see if this is a new thing like boxer briefs were back in the day. Once I noticed that they were shiny, I concluded that they were running tights of some sort. Even with this revelation, the pants are still a mystery. Was he cold? Does he have a circulation problem? Was he trying to avoid panty lines?

Hopefully they will address this on next week’s Men Tell All.

That night, Kaitlyn and Gosling talk about how normal the day had been, you know, streaking through a golf course. For the first time this season, Gosling really looks relaxed. Naturally, Kaitlyn decides to bring up Nick’s transgressions against Gosling—something about an Eskimo and a country star. I don’t want to know.

Gosling is FURIOUS. He tells Kaitllyn that he visited The Other Guy earlier that day and this just proves what a complete and total chach he is in real life. Gosling stands by his evaluation, claiming that if Kaitlyn chooses The Other Guy at the end, they were clearly not meant to be together. He calls Nick a delusional jack wagon. Just as his blood pressure reaches the boiling point, Kaitlyn whips out the forgo card and taunts him with the promise of getting his own Irish stamp in his passport. She puts up the “do not disturb” sign on the door. Seconds later, it’s morning and he leaves.

Lurking behind a building is Nick, watching Gosling like a shark. If you listen closely, you can hear the familiar snapping of former greasers who have rumbled in this exact spot. When you’re a Jet, you’re a jet for life. And Gosling owns this mantra. He tells The Other Guy exactly where he can stick it. They take it inside and we witness another round of right reasons (right reasons) rumble. We were five seconds away from someone pulling out an iconic red leather jacket along with some killer dance moves when Gosling tosses Nick out of his apartment. Stay gold, Ponyboy.

ROSE CEREMONY

Our Host Chris Harrison sits down with Kaitlyn and for the first time in the history of forever, I am distracted, not by Harrison’s piercing blue eyes, but by Kaitlyn’s sternum. As I’ve mentioned before, she does have a habit of wearing dresses which look like she’s prepping for heart surgery, but this one takes the cake. At one point, I was quite confident that the darn thing was on backwards. But then she turned around and I discovered there wasn’t a back. I’d like to shake the man’s hand (clearly not a woman) who designed this business, because it is a remarkable feat of engineering.

Kaitlyn stands before three men with whom she’s falling in love and then apologizes before rushing out of the room. No, her boob did not fall out. She’s having a panic attack.

OHCH: You gotta go back out there. We’re almost done. Suck it up.
Kaitlyn: My heart is literally beating out of my chest.
Lincee: So that’s what’s going on with your dress…

Harrison guides her back into the room and to no one’s surprise, she lets Peter Brady go. He handles himself beautifully. I expect an announcement any day that he is America’s next bachelor. Team Peter.

Kaitlyn basically pats Pete on the head, sheds a few fake tears and then waits outside so the producers can get some creepy, yet entertaining footage of Gosling and Nick refusing to look at one another. Both slam their champagne, fix their pants, mess with their hair and pace. I start snapping but nothing happens. Even Kaitlyn doesn’t ever return which is weird. Unless her boob really did fall out.

“HOMETOWN” DATES
In keeping with season 19 tradition, the hometown dates were not in the bachelor’s hometowns. I’m sure there are several reasons why the producers moved the show from Ireland to the middle of Utah instead of featuring the men in their natural habitats.

1. Nick already had a hometown date last year. There’s nothing left for viewers to see.
2. It’s cheaper to fly everyone to one place instead of traipsing around the country.
3 .The idea of Kaitlyn visiting the place where she could potentially be living should she marry one of these men is overrated. It’s called TRUST. And that’s very important to everyone left in this equation.

Nick is first at bat, and he wastes no time telling Kaitlyn that she is the wind beneath his wings. He admits that with Andi, it felt like a leap of faith, but this time, he feels that what they have is real. I uses the phrase “I love you,” omitting the “falling” part. They share a Mountain Dew and compare statement jewelry before meeting the fam.

Back in the hotel, Nick’s loved ones reminisce about this time last year when he landed in second place of an awful reality show. The sister looks ticked. And when the mom starts crying, the little sister Bella starts crying. This show is evil. And why are they doing The Carlton?

The sister steals Kaitlyn away so she can figure out why her brother is a front runner. Kaitlyn explained that they were quick to bond (I’ll say). Everyone in the family gets a turn to try and hate Kaitlyn. No one does. She even passed the Bella test and made the mom cry again.

Nick sits down with his emotionally drained mother. She gripes at him for doing the show again, sticks it to Andi by telling the viewing audience that she never saw them together last year and then tells him that they will all be there for him again should he land in second place. #family

He tells his mom that he is 99-percent sure that he’s the one, which everyone knows is the kiss of death on this show. He sheds a few tears to prove he isn’t a monster and then admits that she’s worth the heartbreak, should it end badly. You know…that one percent.

Kaitlyn walks Nick to her room. They immediately get horizontal.

Nick: I love you.
Kaitlyn: Promise?
Nick: With all of my heart.

Confession: I’m going to feel a touch sorry for The Other Guy if he loses.
Confession 2: I’ll get over it in a second or two.

The next day, Kaitlyn meets Gosling in the hotel lobby. She’s confident that she’s going to rock this interview because “sisters are her jam.” Gosling introduces Kaitlyn and then makes a bold psychological move:

Gosling: This year, there are only two hometown dates. And from the 25 guys who were invited on the show, I’m the last one standing. And there’s another guy who came late.

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

Kaitlyn woos the sisters. She tells them how to properly spell her name so they can go ahead and order a stocking for the mantel. My favorite part was when the dad literally said, “Son, what the hell is going on?”

Exactly Mr. Gosling. We are all confused. You have to ride this wave until it ends, good sir. Only two more weeks.

Gosling tells Kaitlyn that he’s been in love with her for a while and it just feels right. She leaves his hotel room and trudges to her own. She cries because she has two great guys who are totally different, yet she’s in love with both! What’s a girl with 39 statement rigs and 12 tattoos to do?

In two Monday’s we’ll find out. But first, it’s the Men Tell All.

Can. Not. Wait.

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