‘The Bachelorette’ recap: And then there were two

funny bachelorette recap-Bachelorette Kaitlyn

It’s been a weird season of The Bachelorette. Suitors are walking out willy nilly, boutonnieres are left to wilt on the Home Depot pedestal, rose ceremonies are never at the end of the show anymore, statement rings are multiplying like Kaitlyn’s tears and I’m pretty sure Ireland is ready for the ABC production team to polish off their last Guinness before hopping into a paddy-wagon bound for the airport.

Because the franchise has completely thrown out the rulebook, it shouldn’t surprise me that this episode was just as rogue as the ones before. I found it odd that we sat through two fantasy forgo card dates and two “hometown” dates, yet hardly a thing happened in 120 minutes. On paper, that recipe practically declares the promise of countless juicy moments. In reality, everyone said the same thing twice while looking good in fuzzy sweaters.

With that said, there was the moment when a very fit man with concrete hair went streaking on a golf course because he was dared by a girl who potentially could be his wife.

But before we get to Gosling’s random long underwear, (we’ll put a pin in that for now) ABC forces us to watch an obvious planned fight between our resident streaker and the resident villain. Gosling smiles the entire time he challenges Nick for not being there for the right reasons (right reasons.) B-O-R-I-N-G.

Meanwhile, Peter Brady snuggles into his purple sweater and protects Kaitlyn against feisty horses named Archie and Chip.

Kaitlyn: Can they smell fear?
Lincee: No. Bees and dogs smell fear. And the human head weighs eight pounds.

After a leisurely ride through the emerald green countryside, Kaitlyn and Peter take a moment to feed some donkeys with “sick haircuts” before settling down for a picnic. GERM SQUIRT! CAN I GET SOME GERM SQUIRT OVER HERE?

Kaitlyn adjusts her statement ring as Peter confides in the woman grinning next to him that he is falling in love. She compares the moment to a fairy tale instead of a beloved TV sitcom from the ‘70s. She points behind her, noting that they will be dining and forgoing in the gorgeous castle looming in the background.

Peter switches his purple warm and fuzzy sweater for an oatmeal-colored one that brings out his eyes. He gives a delightfully sweet toast before admitting that he just celebrated a birthday on the show. He’s 26. Had I been a promiscuous teenager, I could have birthed this kid. Word.

He tells Kaitlyn that the idea of her being soooo much older than him (she just turned 30 in real life) shouldn’t be an issue. Quite honestly, I think this may have been one of the nails in Peter’s coffin, because home girl WANTS to be a puma. And she has the glittery eyeshadow to prove it.

For the next 30 minutes, Peter tries to have a serious conversation with Kaitlyn about how much he loves her and wants to be with her. He’s the luckiest guy in the world! The onset of emotions rattles our bachelorette. She shoves her hand behind the couch cushion and presents the fantasy forgo card. Kaitlyn basically asks Peter is he’s okay getting busy in the west tower? He answers Kaitlyn, first by acknowledging that it is completely weird that there are other men involved in this journey, but he neither wants to stop talking to her nor leave her.

Remembering that Kaitlyn thinks he’s too innocent, he adds a “best sleepover ever” for good measure. Someone needs to check is bag for itching powder.

Moments later, we are in the throes of the morning after. Peter bids her adieu. He’s wearing capri running pants. I’ll let it slide this time. She lets the camera know that she only got 30 minutes of sleep, yet in the very next scene, she’s greeting Gosling at his doorway with an invitation to go golfing. Oh! And here’s a bright pink shirt and very loud royal blue pants for the course. Enjoy!

This would have been a lot cuter if Kaitlyn had worn something just as outrageous. It felt like he was the joke. She should have joined him in the frivolity. After a few metaphors that compare golf to love (it’s something you can do until you’re old and grey) Kaitlyn challenges Gosling to a rousing game of Truth or Dare. Being the macho guy he is, Gosling picks dare.

And Kaitlyn makes him streak from here to yonder.

The streaking doesn’t bother me. What I really need to know is why Gosling was wearing long underwear under his pants? My initial reaction was to visit the unmentionables section in the men’s department at Macy’s to see if this is a new thing like boxer briefs were back in the day. Once I noticed that they were shiny, I concluded that they were running tights of some sort. Even with this revelation, the pants are still a mystery. Was he cold? Does he have a circulation problem? Was he trying to avoid panty lines?

Hopefully they will address this on next week’s Men Tell All.

That night, Kaitlyn and Gosling talk about how normal the day had been, you know, streaking through a golf course. For the first time this season, Gosling really looks relaxed. Naturally, Kaitlyn decides to bring up Nick’s transgressions against Gosling—something about an Eskimo and a country star. I don’t want to know.

Gosling is FURIOUS. He tells Kaitllyn that he visited The Other Guy earlier that day and this just proves what a complete and total chach he is in real life. Gosling stands by his evaluation, claiming that if Kaitlyn chooses The Other Guy at the end, they were clearly not meant to be together. He calls Nick a delusional jack wagon. Just as his blood pressure reaches the boiling point, Kaitlyn whips out the forgo card and taunts him with the promise of getting his own Irish stamp in his passport. She puts up the “do not disturb” sign on the door. Seconds later, it’s morning and he leaves.

Lurking behind a building is Nick, watching Gosling like a shark. If you listen closely, you can hear the familiar snapping of former greasers who have rumbled in this exact spot. When you’re a Jet, you’re a jet for life. And Gosling owns this mantra. He tells The Other Guy exactly where he can stick it. They take it inside and we witness another round of right reasons (right reasons) rumble. We were five seconds away from someone pulling out an iconic red leather jacket along with some killer dance moves when Gosling tosses Nick out of his apartment. Stay gold, Ponyboy.

ROSE CEREMONY

Our Host Chris Harrison sits down with Kaitlyn and for the first time in the history of forever, I am distracted, not by Harrison’s piercing blue eyes, but by Kaitlyn’s sternum. As I’ve mentioned before, she does have a habit of wearing dresses which look like she’s prepping for heart surgery, but this one takes the cake. At one point, I was quite confident that the darn thing was on backwards. But then she turned around and I discovered there wasn’t a back. I’d like to shake the man’s hand (clearly not a woman) who designed this business, because it is a remarkable feat of engineering.

Kaitlyn stands before three men with whom she’s falling in love and then apologizes before rushing out of the room. No, her boob did not fall out. She’s having a panic attack.

OHCH: You gotta go back out there. We’re almost done. Suck it up.
Kaitlyn: My heart is literally beating out of my chest.
Lincee: So that’s what’s going on with your dress…

Harrison guides her back into the room and to no one’s surprise, she lets Peter Brady go. He handles himself beautifully. I expect an announcement any day that he is America’s next bachelor. Team Peter.

Kaitlyn basically pats Pete on the head, sheds a few fake tears and then waits outside so the producers can get some creepy, yet entertaining footage of Gosling and Nick refusing to look at one another. Both slam their champagne, fix their pants, mess with their hair and pace. I start snapping but nothing happens. Even Kaitlyn doesn’t ever return which is weird. Unless her boob really did fall out.

“HOMETOWN” DATES
In keeping with season 19 tradition, the hometown dates were not in the bachelor’s hometowns. I’m sure there are several reasons why the producers moved the show from Ireland to the middle of Utah instead of featuring the men in their natural habitats.

1. Nick already had a hometown date last year. There’s nothing left for viewers to see.
2. It’s cheaper to fly everyone to one place instead of traipsing around the country.
3 .The idea of Kaitlyn visiting the place where she could potentially be living should she marry one of these men is overrated. It’s called TRUST. And that’s very important to everyone left in this equation.

Nick is first at bat, and he wastes no time telling Kaitlyn that she is the wind beneath his wings. He admits that with Andi, it felt like a leap of faith, but this time, he feels that what they have is real. I uses the phrase “I love you,” omitting the “falling” part. They share a Mountain Dew and compare statement jewelry before meeting the fam.

Back in the hotel, Nick’s loved ones reminisce about this time last year when he landed in second place of an awful reality show. The sister looks ticked. And when the mom starts crying, the little sister Bella starts crying. This show is evil. And why are they doing The Carlton?

The sister steals Kaitlyn away so she can figure out why her brother is a front runner. Kaitlyn explained that they were quick to bond (I’ll say). Everyone in the family gets a turn to try and hate Kaitlyn. No one does. She even passed the Bella test and made the mom cry again.

Nick sits down with his emotionally drained mother. She gripes at him for doing the show again, sticks it to Andi by telling the viewing audience that she never saw them together last year and then tells him that they will all be there for him again should he land in second place. #family

He tells his mom that he is 99-percent sure that he’s the one, which everyone knows is the kiss of death on this show. He sheds a few tears to prove he isn’t a monster and then admits that she’s worth the heartbreak, should it end badly. You know…that one percent.

Kaitlyn walks Nick to her room. They immediately get horizontal.

Nick: I love you.
Kaitlyn: Promise?
Nick: With all of my heart.

Confession: I’m going to feel a touch sorry for The Other Guy if he loses.
Confession 2: I’ll get over it in a second or two.

The next day, Kaitlyn meets Gosling in the hotel lobby. She’s confident that she’s going to rock this interview because “sisters are her jam.” Gosling introduces Kaitlyn and then makes a bold psychological move:

Gosling: This year, there are only two hometown dates. And from the 25 guys who were invited on the show, I’m the last one standing. And there’s another guy who came late.

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

Kaitlyn woos the sisters. She tells them how to properly spell her name so they can go ahead and order a stocking for the mantel. My favorite part was when the dad literally said, “Son, what the hell is going on?”

Exactly Mr. Gosling. We are all confused. You have to ride this wave until it ends, good sir. Only two more weeks.

Gosling tells Kaitlyn that he’s been in love with her for a while and it just feels right. She leaves his hotel room and trudges to her own. She cries because she has two great guys who are totally different, yet she’s in love with both! What’s a girl with 39 statement rigs and 12 tattoos to do?

In two Monday’s we’ll find out. But first, it’s the Men Tell All.

Can. Not. Wait.

Comments

206 Comments on "‘The Bachelorette’ recap: And then there were two"

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CO Kathleen
CO Kathleen

I laughed so hard watching Nick and Shawn trying not to look at each other while Kaityln was saying good-bye to Peter. And boy, did the producers drag that scene out.

Looking forward to the Men Tell All but really don’t care where the rest of this season goes. Weird. Don’t really think Kaitlyn is ready to settle down.

Thanks for your recap!

Lincee

I think you’re right CO Kathleen. She’s not ready to settle down at all…

Cheryl Moore
Cheryl Moore

Best line – Both slam their champagne, fix their pants, mess with their hair and pace. I start snapping but nothing happens. Thanks!

Lincee

Thanks Cheryl Moore! Solid “West Side Story” reference! It’s one of my favorites too!

Terri
Terri

I didn’t think I would be able to read your recap without actually seeing the episode and still laugh out loud like I do on a normal Tuesday after seeing the show, but I couldn’t resist reading it- and I don’t know why I would have thought that for even one second because im lol-ing in my hotel room just hoping I don’t disturb my neighbors! Molto Bene!! Gratzie!

Lincee

Yay Terri! Miss you!!!!

Shelby
Shelby

Your recaps always make my day! So hilarious. 🙂

Plus, I couldn’t agree with you more about the pink and blue golf outfit….

“This would have been a lot cuter if Kaitlyn had worn something just as outrageous. It felt like he was the joke. She should have joined him in the frivolity.”

She’s been doing that the whole season with these guys. Its been brutal to watch… Ugh.

Team Peter for Bachelor!! He’s so friggin adorable.

Julie
Julie

I agree, Shelby. Kaitlyn really seems to enjoy watching people be totally uncomfortable. She calls it “having fun” but it seems more like public humiliation to me.

And, am I the only one who didn’t find the golf outfit that outrageous? Judging from the electric blue suit Gos was wearing last week (or the week before?) it didn’t seem too out of character for him.

Liana
Liana

Totally agree Kaitlyn enjoys humiliating others and putting them in uncomfortable situations. She seems to get a big kick out of it. I find it a bit disturbing. And her laugh is so freaking annoying!
Worst possible choice for a Bachelorette EVER

Cindy
Cindy

Her laugh makes my ears bleed! I’m not sure I can take much more of her guffawing like a donkey.

Eleanora
Eleanora

News flash: Kaitlyn doesn’t choose the dates. The producers love humiliating the guys.

Lincee

He is friggin’ adorable, isn’t he Shelby?!

Margo
Margo

Great recap once again. Oy, where to begin.
1) the Duck Lips are just too distracting. Im suffering when she is on camera, i have to fast forward

2) An entire season with not ONE actual conversation (on camera) well done editors. Just sucking face and Im truly sick of it. I need a shower.

3) The tat showing on left flank in the red (using the term loosely) gown? ugh

4) Okay corral champagne flute fight during the and then there were two. ..i heard the good the bad and ugly music in my head during that scene

5) Last but not least, The observed act observed. No one WANTS to marry anyone, for reals, anyway. For the camera only, yes.

Kristin
Kristin

Lol @ “in the red (using the term loosely) gown.”

Lincee

Exactly. No one wants to marry anyone, and I doubt they will have to worry about that small fact. Thanks for reading Margo!

Liz Farris
Liz Farris

Stay Gold, Ponyboy!

Lincee

Stay gold Liz Farris.

Kelli

Oh my goodness, Lincee, I just about fell out of my seat laughing at this:

“Was he trying to avoid panty lines?”

And yeah, that awkward scene with the guys slamming their champagne and rearranging was quite funny – no music, silence. The producers are loving the drama.

Nickie
Nickie

According to Kaitlyn’s blog post he was trying to avoid panty lines!

Lincee

I’m sure he was Kelli!

Christine
Christine

“I’d like to shake the man’s hand (clearly not a woman)who designed this business, because it is a remarkable feat of engineering.” Yes, and liberal use of double sided tape!
After she insisted on naked golf course antics, I have officially demoted Kaitlyn from an 18 year old to a 16 year old. Peter is much too mature & nice for her.
Thanks for the hilarious recaps, Lincee!

Kelli

Agreed. She’s pretty immature for a 30 year old.

Laura Jean

If you didn’t mention the double-sided tape, I was going to!

Lincee

Even with tape, how did that thing stay on?! Thanks for commenting Christine!

Haley9
Haley9

Favorite lines:

Kaitlyn: My heart is literally beating out of my chest.
Lincee: So that’s what’s going on with your dress…

– –

Did anyone else notice that Kaitlyn said she’d meet Gosling’s family and then it was Nick’s instead? Hmm. ABC reordering?

Lincee, this travesty of a show is holding a casting call in Norman, OK on Friday. If you drive up for behind-the-scenes investigation, let’s hang out! :o)

Carol S.
Carol S.

Totally noticed she said she was meeting Sean’s family, then met Nicks. So what does the reordering suggest I wonder…

Lincee

You should TOTALLY check it out haley9!

Shopgirl
Shopgirl

When Kaitlyn said “My heart is literally beating out of my chest,” my husband said “Did she say ‘my boob is literally popping out of my dress?'” Stay classy, Kaitlyn…

Also, did anyone else notice that, since we didn’t have actual hometown dates, we didn’t have any obligatory “jump & straddle” maneuvers?

Peter, you dodged a bullet, and we hope they make you the next Bachelor!

Shannon
Shannon

I said the same thing, Peter dodged a bullet. When Kaitlyn said, “My heart is literally beating out of my chest,” my daughter’s friend said, “We know, we can see it.”

Kathleen
Kathleen

Jump and straddle!! Classic! That is so true.

Texastea
Texastea

Shannon, your daughter’s friend is hilarious. Yep! We can see pretty much everything.

Lincee

PETER FOR THE WIN! Thanks Shopgirl!

PS: Your hubby is a keeper.

Cheryl
Cheryl

I was team Gosling but that dude needs to grow up. When Nick wanted to talk to him but Gosling refused…??? He’s got no real basis to hate Nick other than him sleeping with Kaitlyn but then shouldn’t he have been mad with her too? I was disappointed when she left Shawn’s room and he didn’t walk her to the door. Where’s the Southern charm? I think she should pick Nick although I don’t think she will. I hope his family will be okay.

Laura Jean

I was thinking the same thing – Nick seems like a better match for her.

I like crispy green beans
I like crispy green beans

Someone else is team Nick. Yay for that. I agree Gosling is immature. He is a meat head..for those of you not from New York…GOSling is a meathead. I guarantee that guy has been in more bar fights than he can count. He has to keep his cool on TV but IN Real life I bet he would punch Nick..real classy. Nick was by far more mature. He listened to gosling go on and on bashing him and calmly defended himself. And then Tried to speak with him and wouldn’t let him talk. He only hates him because Kaitlyn likes him. And I never understood the issue with him coming late. Who cares!?! If this is for marriage and for life then it doesn’t matter if he came the last week. If Kaitlyn likes him she should explore it the end….I think she’ll pick k Goslong because she’s a bit shallow and thinks he’s hot (I think he looks like a fraggle) but I think Nick is by far the better personality fit for her.
And one other word about Nick and last season. Should he have outed her about sex on TV probably not. But in his defense I think he really fell for her and she slept with him and then Rejected him and then refused to answer his calls or emails to talk to get closure afterwards….she gave him no closure option but the show. So too bad for her. If it was reversed and the woman said that everyone would be crucifying the guy for sleeping with someone and not picking her. Too bad Andi.

Texastea
Texastea

I don’t find Nick the least bit attractive but I also think he and Kaitlyn are a match. Too bad that the “relationship” they have is mostly physical. If she does pick him, I don’t see it going the long haul. Sure they will have fun for a while but what happens when it gets real.

BonnieC
BonnieC

Mostly physical, but don’t forget the “spiritual” component now that they’ve visited church together. 🙂

Maggie
Maggie

Oh I forgot about that! I yelled “Don’t get up!” at my TV. I think she and Nick would be a better fit but I don’t picture marrying either of these guys.

Lincee

I have decided to root for Peter Brady for the duration. Even though he was kicked off, I’m still on his team.

Thanks Cheryl!

Shopgirl
Shopgirl
Lincee

ME TOOOOOOOO!

Kristin
Kristin

Oh man–this is great! I laughed so hard at the lines about Gosling revealing his long underwear. Honestly, I didn’t pay very much attention to much of the episode, so I missed the long underwear the first time! I loved the part about “Does he have a circulation problem? Is he trying to avoid panty lines?” I hope they DO talk about this in the Men Tell All! Inquiring minds want to know!

And Kaitlyn “My heart is literally beating out of my chest.” “So that explains the dress.” Oh man, that dress. It literally went down to her belly button! So, so funny!

I love your recap Lincee! Love how you are always able to tie in references to The Outsiders and West Side Story all in one paragraph. It helps us “ride the wave at least two more weeks!”

marymary
marymary

I thought I hear Gosling mutter something about it being laundry day – that was why he was down to the long underwear (I guess he brought it for the cold outside dates in Ireland).

marymary
marymary

heard, not hear!

Karen
Karen

I heard him say that too.

Kman
Kman

I read OHCH’s blog and he said it was really cold the day they were golfing. That may be why Gosling was wearing another layer under his pants.

Kristin
Kristin

Not very nice of Kaitlyn to make him streak in the cold!

Lincee

It’s my pleasure to fill my recaps with as many pop cultures references that make sense. Thanks for noticing Kristin!

Marie
Marie

I waited all day for this update. I laughed. Now to go home and watch for myself on HULU. Although I found this blog late in bachelor franchise life, I love reading this and then watching the show because I look forward to the awfulness even more.

Lincee

Thank you Marie! What a great compliment!

Heather
Heather

Bwaa ha ha ha ha!!!!
No. Bees and dogs smell fear. And the human head weighs eight pounds.

Hilarious!!!!!!!

Meg
Meg

Best movie reference of the recap, cracked me up!

amy a
amy a

That was my favorite too!!

Lincee

Exactly. YOU COMPLETE ME HEATHER!

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