The Bachelorette recap: Who is that?
The Bachelorette Rachel recap: Week 2
Oh my goodness! Wasn’t that one of the most compelling Bachelorette episodes we’ve seen in a long time? I was on the edge of my seat. I cheered at the television. I only rolled my eyes once. Hooray for Rachel for being such a normal representation of a woman looking for love!
And then there’s DeMario…
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you Snap happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Starbucks barista who obsessed with Poldark and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Our Host Chris Harrison rolls into the sunken living room where a bunch of dudes in various shades of blue v-necks humbly stare back in his general direction. They feel unworthy to be in his presence.
Hey, I get it. I’ve been there. Those angel eyes. He has angel eyes. Such a smile that lights up my life.
Moving on. Harrison gives the 4-1-1 on the week’s festivities. There will be two group dates and one solo date. He drops the card on the coffee table and about faces to exit the room, leaving only his powerful pheromones. The men sit entranced. Lee immediately hops up to read the contents of the card.
Of course he does. Only the show villain would be able to withstand the commanding fragrance of mimosas, expensive denim, and true grit. Lee is dead to me. So is his high hair.
GROUP DATE ONE
“I’m looking for husband material.”
We find Rachel holding a pair of tongs, pretending to know how to grill shrimp on the barbie. Once the guys arrive, the manliest of them all, Kenny, takes over as grill master. Moscow mules are served before a quick game of touch football. Rachel chooses her most appropriate mini dress for the ocassion. Nothing says “HIKE” like a quick peek of lacy underwear during a fourth-down conversion. Well hello there Black Modesty Box!
Lucas is in major Lucas mode, which bothers Blake and his questionable chest hair. Thank goodness Rachel has some friends coming to join the party.
Just as I start to research which unknown musical artist is dropping an album next week, Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher wander up, looking all sorts of adorable.
You are not being punked. The living, breathing, Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are standing right there in the flesh. We learn that both are a fan of the show, but Ashton didn’t start watching it until he heard about “that guy who looks like me.” That would be sweet Jared.
Has he found love yet? There’s always Ashley I-Lashes. Perhaps Paradise 3.0?
Ashton doesn’t mess around. He tells Rachel that she needs a man who is here for the right reasons (right reasons.) It would also help if the guy has health insurance. I’m going to take the wish list one step further and include “he has a job” as a recommendation.
The Hollywood power couple take the group to a nearby grassy knoll where an “Are You Husband Material?” obstacle course has been set up. I think we all need to stand, right now, wherever you are, and give the ABC Intern a legitimate round of applause for procuring eight baby dolls, eight dirty diapers, several Bjorns, six vacuums, a couple of kitchen sinks full of water, the gigantic diamond ring props from last season, a table and chairs full of plasticware and fake food, and a jaunty red ribbon finish line. You go, ABC Intern.
Mila has a plan. Whoever is in last place going into each of the six obstacles will be eliminated and sent to the dog house. She shouts for the guys to “GO!” and grown men scramble to a changing table, trying not to gag on the surprise runny yellow poop in their babies’ diapers. Once the baby is clean, the fake bundle of joy is stuffed into a Bjorn. Then the pretend husband has to pull hair from a drain, wash dishes, locate a diamond ring, set a dinner table, grab a bouquet of flower, and head to the finish line.
Ashton to the camera: “I’m going to make a bold prediction. I don’t think Rachel’s guy is in this group.”
The men flail about at each obstacle. Iggy can’t work a onesie. Jonathan is unable to master his Bjorn. Lucas’ baby disappears for a few shots, but reappears later. He also body checks Kenny for the win. Blake seethes in the dog house, irritated that once again, Whaaabooom is in the spotlight as Lucas is deemed the winner. Lucas spikes his baby in victory. Somewhere, AJ cowers in fear.
Ashton seems legitimately angry that Lucas wins the race. All the other men soothe and pet their babies like they are therapy dogs as Rachel puts a “Husband Material” medal around Lucas’ neck. He wanders over to Ashton, suggesting the actor give him a Whaaabooom. Ashton taps into his former modeling career experiences and stares him down through squinted eyes with the focus of a thousand Kate Mosses. Mila tries to play along, but Ashton refuses to acknowledge Lucas’ annoying Whaaaboooom wind-up, even with a smile. Lucas’ hope of Ashton retweeting that biz is dashed in a single moment.
That night at the cocktail party, Rachel throws all caution to the wind. She turns her dress around and zips it up the front, instead of the back. She and the boys drink cocktails among vintage retro items used to decorate man caves and ‘50s-themed diners.
Rachel asks Lucas for some alone time first. She claims it’s because he won the husband challenge, but we all know she wants to get this over with so she can enjoy the rest of her evening. Instead of playing Mrs. Pac-Man, Rachel reprimands Lucas for pushing Kenny earlier. Surprisingly, Lucas isn’t drunk enough to screw up his defense. He claims he would have done whatever it took to win, because he knew Rachel was the prize. Couple that solid answer with his newfound will power to NOT Whaaabooom and you’ve got a normal conversation.
While Lucas is with Rachel reciting horrific original poetry, Blake refrains from taking out his drum to pass the time. Instead, he tells the guys that he knows Lucas from “a previous encounter” and that Lucas is only interested in being on television. He sits back and waits for the declaration that “heads are going to roll!” but no one gets riled up. In fact, the opposite occurs. Jack Stone says Rachel is a smart woman. Kenny agrees. He figures that she’ll be able to spot any funny business from a mile away. Blake grabs his baby to self soothe.
Up next is Fred. Or Freddy P. as Rachel likes to call him. As we all suspected, Rachel is having a hard time seeing him as anything but the bad kid at summer camp. His days are numbered. Jonathan’s might be as well. He uses his alone time to teach Rachel how to properly wipe a child’s bottom. Iggy joins the guys in the danger zone by sweating profusely. Can Rachel not catch a break?
Apparently not. Blake arrives and breaks the cardinal rule in week two. You guessed it. He informs Rachel that Lucas is not here for the right reasons (right reasons.) How does he know? Because Lucas’ ex-girlfriend lives with Blake.
Rachel and I react the same:
Rachel: “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up. Who lives with what now?”
Blake: “Yeah. His ex is my roommate and she told me all he cares about is being on TV.”
Rachel: “You live with a woman?”
Blake: “Guess what else? He wears makeup. So he won’t be shiny on camera!”
Rachel: “Do you wear makeup, too? Do you borrow it from your girl roommate?”
Blake: “I just don’t want you to get sucked into the Whaaaboooom of it all.”
Blake returns to the group of men and unlike former contestants, decides to “get this out in the open” before anyone finds out. He tells Lucas that “he came up in conversation,” so Blake told Rachel that Lucas isn’t there for the right reasons (right reasons.) Blake counters with the ever-popular, “She and I have a connection that is unexplainable and people are jealous.” He’s sad that Blake doesn’t have a Whaaaboooom of his own. I’m sad I don’t have a pair of Lucas’ fabulous turquoise socks.
To quote Kenny: “White boys be buggin’.”
Let’s recap for just a second:
During this cocktail party, Rachel has been denied a kiss by Jack Stone because he was too afraid to approach her lest he stumble into some bad lighting. She’s learned to change a diaper from the Tickle Monster and checked her hair in the glistening reflection of the sweat pouring from Iggy’s brow. The former camp counselor was praised for being “mature” from Freddy P., the guy five years her junior. And she played a boring game of “He Said / He Said” between a social media monger who has managed to say his annoying catch phrase twelve times in twenty minutes and a guy who attempts to throw another contestant under the bus by openly admitting that he lives with another woman.
Ashton is a wise man.
Dean walks in like a breath of fresh air and makes Rachel laugh. The conversation is easy, comfortable, and it’s at this point in the show when my friend Emily notices that Dean is Brandon Walsh. [Cue opening musical notes of 90210.] Rachel ribs Dean for stealing her “Once you go black, you don’t ever go back!” line and then they head to the Peach Pit.
To no one’s surprise, Dean gets the date rose for being normal. He walks her out to her SUV and then plants a sweet, sensual, passionate kiss on her lips. The form was great and the way he handled lipstick all over his mouth was gentlemanly. Question: Is neck pinching a thing?
I’d like to think that this journey to find love is Dean’s to lose, but let me remind you of one very important fact: Home slice is 26-years-old.
“I”m looking for my best friend…”
Some of you may be thinking, “Which one is Peter again?” He’s her gap-tooth friend with salt-and-pepper hair who likes to drive Teslas. He is tall, not dark, and handsome. Peter and Rachel go all Pretty Woman as they roll up to a private jet, complete with red carpet. Rachel tells Peter Palm Springs is in their future, but before they leave, she needs to run something by him.
You see, her friend was in a really bad accident. Rachel hasn’t seen him in a long time and she wants him to travel with them. Is that okaaaaaayyyyyy??? [eyelash bat]
Of course Peter is totally cool with this mock two-on-one scenario. He heaves a huge sigh of relief when Rachel’s dog Copper jumps out of another limo and three-leg hops into her open arms. Peter asks what we’re all thinking as Copper places his cast foot into her owner’s arms. What happened? Rachel teases that we will find out later, but we never do.
Copper hops up the stairs into the private jet like he’s done it a million times before. Peter endears himself to Rachel by ignoring her in favor of some quality time with Copper. Smart man. They arrive in Palm Springs and head to Bark Fest so Copper can get a little rest and relaxation with fellow canines. Dogs are everywhere. In pools, sprinklers, fancy sofas. This has to be a destination for celebrity pooches.
While Copper gets his bark on, Rachel asks Peter if he would move from Wisconsin. Peter is definitely open to moving anywhere, including Dallas. This always makes me pause. How can a thirty-one-year-old “business owner” just up and leave? I understand that love at first sight can be a thing and you go where your heart leads you, blah, blah, blah. But this always makes me envision a bunch of red flags flying in my face. Does he not have direction? Or a five-year marketing plan?
Also, since I do not discriminate based on a person’s gender, I’m going to go out on a limb and assume his business is an Etsy shop or he sells skincare products. #R+F
Before dinner, Rachel calls NBC circa 1998 to see if she can borrow Rachel Green’s dress. You know, the one she’s testing from Milan?
U.S.A…still not ready.
Peter’s purple jacket compliments her negligé. They share stories about families, the trials of being single, and why they both chose to keep the gaps in their teeth. We learn that Rachel loves her dentist and her therapist. We also learn that Peter mote than likely does have an Etsy shop because no one else could have secured a blinged out cast for Copper unless you had major connections.
Rachel gives Peter the date rose and he thanks her with a kiss. Great form. She seemed to like it. They make out again during a firework show outside. He kisses with one hand in his pocket and the other giving a peace sign. Okay, maybe not that last part, but his hand was in his pocket. I thought that was weird.
SECOND GROUP DATE
HOOP, there it is! Most of the guys are pumped that their inaugural group date is a friendly game of basketball. They are also pumped that they get to see Rachel in spandex and what appears to be a see-through sports bra. A kicky bandana around her head completes the ensemble.
Rachel admits that she’s a little rusty, so she’s going to bring in some help.
ASHSTON AND MILA!
Just kidding. It’s Kareem Abdul Jabbar who is equally as cool. The boys are as excited as Kareem is tall. He coaches them through a few drills, laughing as balls fly anywhere but inside a basket.
Lee wore camouflage tights. Discuss.
The guys will be competing in an actual basketball game against each other, in front of a live audience. Who cares that the game is technically being played during Agoura Hills High School’s pep rally? The millennials are going to be on TV! Thank goodness the cheerleaders were spontaneous enough to whip out a few banners for the gymnasium walls. You say Bachelor, I say Nation! Bachelor! Nation! Bachelor! Nation!
Who spotted AJ lurking in the bleachers?
Kareem gathers the boys, looks down upon them like a gentle giant, and recites that corny line the producers gave him. Something about how playing basketball is just like finding romance. The band kids provide a solid back beat as Our Host Chris Harrison color commentates.
The last time Harrison was in a school, he wore his super fly glasses which made him look capital H-O-T. It’s a shame he didn’t whip them out again for this nonsense.
Nobody makes a basket for a very long time. Then the Penguin does. Rachel borrows a few pom-poms and cheers her fellas on from the sidelines. Afterwards, she participates in some bleacher choreography. Her lack of attention proves the game was that bad.
DeMario decides it’s time for him to take over. He turns into Teen Wolf and starts stealing balls, making baskets, and dunking for fun. Team work makes the dream work.
Someone actually said that.
All the children swarm Rachel after the game so they can take selfies with her. Except one small, waifish person in a flesh-covered-I-would-be-willing-to-bet-crotch-snap-body-suit. Meet DeMario’s former flame Lexie!
Guess what? Lexie watched After the Final Rose and was completely surprised to see her boyfriend of seven months vying for the heart of the new bachelorette. That’s right. DeMario still has the keys to her apartment. I’m sure his name is the tattoo on her inner bicep. He just ghosted her one day and it was all she could do to convince producers to let her on the show so she could watch him squirm.
It’s an added bonus if she gets to scratch his eyes out with her talon fingernails. Also, did she vow to stop eating carbs until she confronted her ex-lover? Can the ABC Intern get Lexie a sandwich, please?
Rachel calmly collects DeMario from the locker room. Everyone assumes he’s getting the date rose for dunking the ball. Not so. He turns the corner in the gymnasium. His face turns to shock as he starts to say, “Heeyyyyyy!” before it automatically morphed into an alarming, “Who is this?”
Rachel: “How do you know this woman?”
DeMario: “I met her many times ago.”
Rachel: “Is that like many moons ago? I need you to be specific.”
Lexie: “He was in my bed three weeks ago. Does that help?”
Rachel: “What is your relationship with this woman?”
DeMario: “Can we talk about this in private? Away from the cameras?”
The ABC Intern rushes over to show DeMario that he is contractually obligated to live his life on camera, 24/7, even if he is currently being burned on national television. It’s signed in blood. No backsies.
Rachel: “This is my life. It’s extremely personal. I’ll ask you again, how do you know this woman? If you don’t have anything to hide, this should be an easy question to answer.”
DeMario: “I met her a few times.”
Lexie: “We’ve been dating for months. I have a paper trail that can prove it.”
Rachel: “How did you cut it off?”
DeMario: “We were on again, off again.”
Rachel: “Objection. Non-responsive.”
DeMario: “I ended it in person.”
Lexie: “I SWEAR ON MY FATHER’S GRAVE AND MY TWO KITTENS THAT HE IS LYING!”
Rachel: “Did you cut off all communication.”
Rachel: “When did you officially cut it off?”
DeMario: “It depends on the date…”
Lexie: “HE STILL HAS MY KEYS!”
DeMario: “Dude. I totally mailed those back. You didn’t get them?”
Rachel: “You’re not making sense. Your story isn’t adding up. I don’t know her, but I don’t know you for that matter. If she shows me her phone, what will I see?”
Lexie: “Pictures of my cats and a slew of text messages from this cheater!”
DeMario: “We had sexual intercourse, but that was a long time ago.”
Rachel: “According to Lexie’s phone, you wrote ‘Good-night Babe.’ What’s that about?”
DeMario: “I did not have sexual relations with that girl. Define “about.”
Rachel: “Get the BLEEP out.”
Lexie leaves in triumph, happy that she remembered to wear her lucky scrunchie. DeMario is placed in a borrowed van the school uses for the One Act Play kids. Rachel bursts into the locker room, barely able to hold it together, challenging any guy who isn’t there for the right reasons (right reasons) to share a cab headed to the airport with DeMario.
She denies Harrison in the hallway, heading straight for the women’s restroom. Rachel is livid. It’s week two, so I don’t think she’s sad that a potentially great guy named DeMario left. I think she’s more angry that the producers made her go through a calculated event that makes her look stupid, portrays DeMario as a jack wagon, and paints Lexie as Mayor of Crazyville.
She said it more than once: She didn’t sign up for this. What she did sign up for is a normal season, full of real guys with actual jobs who are looking to find love. Don’t waste her time. She’s keeping it 100. Everyone else should too.
The cocktail party has a bit of a rain cloud over it, thanks to DeMario’s tryst with Lexie. Josiah convinces Rachel that he physically hurts when she is hurting. (Right) Also, he’s pretty ticked at DeMario for duping all the guys as well. They share a kiss that makes Rachel feel better.
Diggy tries to comfort her too, but he’s too distracted by choosing a new pair of frames to match his outfit. Jamey sits as far away from Rachel as possible (so long Jamey!), while Will reads a pocket version of his favorite successories poster. Rachel thinks all of this is good. She gets to see how the dudes handle conflict.
How did Alex spend his time with Rachel? By singing Russian folk songs. Bless him. I want him to go to Paradise so he can wear his man bun freely and fall in love with Mother Russia.
Eric talks about love languages and is euphoric to learn that one of Rachel’s is physical touch. Even though there was an awkward entry, they make out for a long time.
Josiah, in his winter white pants, gets the date rose. Everyone is happy to see the night come to an end.
Rachel wears a black dress with a severe slit up to her hip. She has a major gold beaded belt and matching gold beaded piping snaking around her neck. Bryan immediately whisks her away so he can swallow her face. She wants him to be cool with the fact that he wasn’t invited on a date in week two. He’ll get his turn. Wink, wink.
Adam pulls out a Barbie Dream House so they can play pretend. AJ is not happy with this third wheel cramping his style. Iggy loses a few thumb wars to Rachel. But it’s Freddy P. who is interrupted by Our Host Chris Harrison.
Mr. Harrison is sought out by Pauly the Security Guy when DeMario saunters up the driveway, hoping for a private audience with Rachel. His character has been assassinated and he wants the opportunity to apologize.
Harrison tells Rachel it’s up to her if she wants to speak with DeMario. Freddy P. and Lee, who stealthily use their eavesdropping skills, rush off to announce to the other guys that DeMario is back and he’s asking for Rachel!
Curiosity gets the better of Rachel. She puts her drink down, the same drink she could have tossed in DeMario’s face, and storms off with Harrison by her side. The boys rally and all agree to join in the rumble. Fight, Fight, Fight!
TO BE CONTINUED…
What did you think of this episode? Will DeMario get the crap beaten out of him? Do you think anyone will stay inside, refusing to take part? Is Peter the clear front-runner? Sound off in the comments section!