‘The Bachelorette’ recap: Hit me with your best shot

Houston—we have a problem.

Even though my city is mostly under water due to flash floods and endless raining, there was a sliver lining in the form of a brand new reporter on ABC13:

John

I’m a weather freak. Translation? Weather freaks me out. It was nice to have John keep me company during the wee hours of the morning as I curled up in a chair at my friend Emily’s house, shuttering with each lightning strike. And even though animals were marching two-by-two outside, I’m thankful that the electricity hung in there for the duration of The Bachelorette.

Otherwise, I wouldn’t have been able to fully experience the jack wagon known as JJ.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the twerking instructor who is obsessed with the fictional life of Jamie and Claire Fraser like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Last week, Kaitlyn clawed her way into the coveted position of season 11’s bachelorette. Then she spent the rest of the night frantically culling the list of suitors to the ones who look like Ryan Gosling or those who have a career in the realm of physical fitness. It was an emotional night. Choosing your future husband is hard work.

Just ask Britt. That’s right. I said BRITT!

Instead of checking in with Kaitlyn, the actual bachelorette, a camera follows Britt to her hotel to showcase the dramatic reject crying in camouflage. The crew is conveniently still there when Brady just so happens to knock on her door. Long story short—he digs her chili and wants Britt to be his girl. They hug, kiss, share an ice cream cone and then trade secrets about which tights are the most unisex of them all. Way to go Team Bratt!

Back at the mansion where the actual television show is filmed, Our Host Chris Harrison drifts into the sunken living room to drop the first date card. I ignore the zipper adornments on his shirt and choose to focus on the rich, purple color that brings out the sparkle in his dancing eyes. Joshua soaks in Harrison’s pheromones before reading off the names.

FIRST GROUP DATE
“I See This Ending With A Ring”
Daniel
Justin
Jared
Corey
Tanner
Kupah
Peter Brady
Ben

Here’s the first sentence I had in my notes: “JJ is a d-bag.”

I think we can all agree with that assessment. He makes me hate things. Therefore, I will not give his d-baggery another moment of my time.

Instead, I’ll talk about how teeny, tiny Kaitlyn looks punching a boxing bag in a big, creepy warehouse. Her hot pink gloves match her hot pink shorts, which match her hot pink lipstick. I’m sure Laila Ali wants to pat her head and give her tips on how to almost win Dancing with the Stars instead of teaching her how to spar. But that’s another show for another day.

The men walk in and immediately comment on how hot Kailtyn looks before being completely intimidated by Laila’s “basic technique” boxing class. Kupah geeks out with a sparring coach, Ben masterfully punches the air, Tanner looks like he’s performing the modified version of T25 and Peter Brady breaks a window with his jump rope.

Mom always said, “Don’t jump rope in the house.” COVER YOUR NOSE KAITLYN!

Most of the guys make small talk with the bachelorette while simultaneously punching bags. Kailyn complains that Kupah hasn’t even made an attempt to talk to her. Laila gives her a look that says, “Girl, please…” and then ushers the guys into an adjacent room so they can change into different colored shorts and Converse shoes. Kaitlyn creeps in the doorway checking out the merchandise. It was skeevy.

Harrison manages to scrounge up a gaggle of women in the warehouse district to come watch a prize fight where the winner receives the lonely heart of our bachelorette. Hare does not waste a minute. He summons Ben the Juggernaut and Daniel the Stinger into the ring.

The next few minutes were a blur. Consider an “Eye of the Tiger” montage, with unidentifiable men clocking each other left and right. Some punched hard. Others swatted with their eyes closed. Everyone knew Ben was the one to beat. Yet no one could have predicted that wiry Jared was such a force. The guys on the sidelines had a better chance betting on when Jared’s facial hair was going to fill in. Who knew he would take down Peter Brady and Kupah to face Ben in the finals?

Of course Ben almost rendered him unconscious and he was sent to the hospital due to a concussion, but props to Jared and his jaw of steel for making it that far! It was clear that Kaitlyn was more impressed with his athletic ability than Ben’s, but that didn’t stop her from calling Ben a “huge hunk of manly meat.”

Bachelorette

During her alone time with Ben, she learns that they both like to eat (you don’t say), cook and are close to their families. Ben shares that his mother passed away. Kaitlyn was distraught for him. She mentions that there’s something intriguing about Ben that she can’t quite put her finger on…

Soon it’s Daniel’s turn to sweep Kaitlyn away. I know what you’re thinking. Who’s Daniel? I’m sure he gets that a lot. He’s the one who looks like a metro version of Edward Norton if Edward Norton had a well-coiffed goatee and didn’t wear socks.

Danny escorts Kaitlyn to a couch and immediately dives into a story that sounds heavy. At the same time, a random guy in all black hands Kaitlyn a folded up piece of paper. There was a small tab which read “pull” and a drawing indicating “for your eyes only.” Dan graciously suggests that Kaitlyn read the note. He busies himself, trying not to eavesdrop. It’s too bad he didn’t have any socks to pull up at that time.

Kaitlyn smiles, puts her hand over her mouth, turns her head and giggles. She never says a word. It was extremely awkward and entirely rude to Metro Dan. It’s evident that he was annoyed when she excuses herself to “go take care of something.” He meanders back down to the other dudes and gives them the 4-1-1. Everyone wonders what emergency could have taken her away?

Naturally we are to assume that Evil Nick is about to crash the scene. Unfortunately, we will have to wait a few more weeks for that blessed event. Instead, Kaitlyn heads to the street to meet Jared. He’s not interested in returning to the cocktail party with her. Instead, he wants to make out on the corner like a couple of honeymooners in Paris. Kaitlyn compares the kiss to fireworks. (This analogy would have been SO MUCH BETTER if she had been kissing Peter Brady.) Oh—and there’s something intriguing about Jared that she can’t quite put her finger on…

In the end, the date rose goes to Ben. They make out after she pins on the boutonniere. The camera politely panned away before she was able to put her finger on what intrigued her.

ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Clint

I have to admit that this surprised me. I thought for sure First Impression Gosling was going to score this date, but Kaitlyn tells the camera that anyone who can draw Chris Harrison on a triceratops deserves some alone time. She drives Clint along the California hillside and I become concerned. Clint is not a talker.

Most non-talkers are introverts. And the last person an introvert wants to meet is the underwater photographer version of the sex guru from last season. She dresses the pair in fancy clothes, takes them through a few odd breathing exercises and then shoves them in the deep end of the swimming pool. According to Kaitlyn, underwater photos are all the rage now for engagement announcements. From lessons I gleaned during the photo shoot, all you have to do is hold your breath, let the guy “accidentally” grab your boob and smize for the camera. Once Kaitlyn learns to go under water without holding her nose, she’s a natural. Surprisingly, so is Clint! Each time they submerge, they get a little bit closer. At the end of the shoot, they are so close that they keep making out in front of the camera crew—right up against the side of the pool. I wonder what inspiration Clint will have for his drawing tomorrow?

Bachelorette

Kaitlyn is intrigued by Clint. There’s something about him that she can’t put her finger on. She gives him the rose so she can figure it out. He tells her that she took his breath away today. Cheesy line or not, SHE LOVED IT. I may have loved it too. Don’t tell.

SECOND GROUP DATE

Unfortunately, the beginning of this group date was interrupted by my boy John, warning me that there’s no way I would ever be able to brave the streets of Houston. He told me, “Don’t drown. Turn around.” And I listened.

By the time we return to our regularly scheduled programming, Amy Schumer is on the scene, giving comedy pointers to JJ, Jonathan, Healer, Joshua, Joe Kentucky, Ian and the Dentist. They have to improv in front of a live audience, and Amy has declared that it will undoubtedly be a massacre. The only two confident in their comedic abilities are the Healer and JJ. Surprise, surprise. JJ tells Amy that he’s too smart for 90% of the audience. It’s probably not the wisest move to mention that inaccurate factoid in front of a woman who stands behind a microphone for a living.

Ian is first up. He compares himself to the Old Spice guy. Then he talks about sweating and Juan Pablo. Wah, wah.

Joshua makes the audience laugh when he speaks and whistles at the same time. The cat calling comes later when he mentions that whistling isn’t the only thing he can do with his tongue. Wink, wink.

The Dentist takes an obvious approach—self-deprecation. Then he unbuttons his toothpaste-colored shirt for good measure. That move lands him a hearty hug from Kaitlyn and a standing ovation from Amy.

Kentucky Joe made fun of his accent. Jonathan worked the crowd. JJ was a complete door knob.

And then there was the Healer. I took the liberty of loosely translating his on-stage bit:

“I’ve been training for this my whole life. It warms my heart. Thank you for the opportunity to stand up here because I feel capable of anything. I’m in tune with my emotions. Each experience is a learning lesson. A lesson of love. And I’m guilty of love in the first degree. What we have here is a crazy little thing called love. That’s the power of love. This will be an everlasting love. All you need is love. Love is a many splendor thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. I was made for loving Britt. I mean Kaitlyn. I was made for loving Kaitlyn. What can I do to make her feel my love? My groovy kind of love? Because I love her. I honestly love her. Thankyouverymuch. You’ve been a great crowd.”

I beg of you, Kaitlyn—take this guy to the next round. All he needs is enough time to figure out the combination lock, and then it will just click!

Instead of journeying into her imagination with the Healer, Kaitlyn takes some alone time with JJ. He cries about how his little girl is growing up so fast. Then he goes in for a kiss which Kaitlyn was not expecting. It was awkward. To make matters worse, she THANKS him once he pulls away. Plus, there’s nothing about JJ that she can’t put her finger on. She’s the opposite of intrigued.

Kentucky Joe takes her out back and pulls a sideways “against the wall” Arie kiss. Kaitlyn melts into him, careful not to touch his spiky hair. He tells her that even if she wasn’t the bachelorette, he would have done everything in his power to pursue her. This intrigues Kaitlyn. She can’t put her finger on it, but there’s something about Kentucky Joe that floats her boat.

For some unknown reason, Kaitlyn gives the date rose to JJ. You know what that means…

ROSE CEREMONY

JJ takes his rose and shoves it in the faces of everyone in the mansion. To make matters worse, he totally reneges on the unofficial bro code that the dudes who didn’t get a date with Kaitlyn would get some alone time with her during the cocktail party. JJ adjusts his rose bud and immediately whisks Kaitlyn away so he can remind her who her future husband will be. I want to punch this guy in the trachea.

He apologizes, and then follows up with an honest, “But I’m not sorry.” While he lectures Kupah on how he didn’t come here to make friends, Ian takes Kaitlyn out the front door to tell her about how a car hit him once upon a time. Then he leans down, waaaaay down, and kisses her in the driveway. He needs to carry a ladder in the future. I’m afraid his back is going to spasm if he keeps bending down that far. She looks like a pocket person next to him.

Later that night, Kupah sits down with Kaitlyn and basically asks her if she feels any connection with him. Kaitlyn tells him that she thought he wasn’t into her because all he did during the boxing date was box. Kupah tries to convince her that he wasn’t comfortable during the date (unlikely) but at the same time it was very fulfilling. Clear as mud. Kaitlyn begins to bristle when he asks in a roundabout way if he’s there to fill a minority quota.

Kaitlyn tells him that she did think there was a connection—until that exact moment. Kupah back pedals, smoothing things over with the ill-timed, “I want to be here. You are pretty and sexy. And dope.”

Kaitlyn sends him away so she can reflect on what has just unfolded before her. Kupah heads over to the dudes and begins lightly trash talking Kaitlyn. Home Boy must have been pounding the clear liquids, because he never stops to think that SHE IS AROUND THE CORNER. SHE CAN HEAR YOU!

Kupah is surprised when Kaitlyn whips around a well-placed rose bush (way to go ABC Intern) to request a private audience with the blabbermouth. It’s time for him to hit the road. Kaitlyn says that it’s not fair to keep him when she feels that there is no connection. He disagrees. He wants to stay. She wants him to go. I want him to choose—suspenders all the way on, or all the way off.

The crew escorts Kupah to the duct tape on the asphalt that marks the place for the rejection exit interview. Kupah starts to verbally throw down with the camera man. He begins shouting exactly what he thinks the interviewer wants to hear. Inside, Kaitlyn sees him through the window and jumps up from her own interview to investigate.

Watch oot Kupah. This Canuk is aboot to invite you to kerfuffle, ya big hoser.

What did you think about the episode? Who will be going home with Kupah? Did JJ deserve a date rose? Do you think he’s a total door knob? Is this how you say Joshua’s name every time you hear it? Remember, this is a spoiler-free zone!

Also, if you have any quotes that you would like to suggest for the favorite IHGB line of the week, please email me instead of posting in the comment section. We’re going to give this a try until I can figure out a better solution for everyone.

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