‘The Bachelorette’ season 11: Sizing up the dudes
When I heard that ABC.com had finally announced the cast for this season’s Bachelorette, I immediately logged on to make make my preliminary choices based solely on appearance and the answers to a handful of questions. It’s important we make snap judgements in moments like these.
Before I scrolled through an entourage of men who looked the exact same as the one before, I marveled at the fact that we have trudged through 10 seasons of The Bachelorette. Just for fun, I tried to name all the preceding bachelorettes. You never know when this trivia might come in handy.
I wrote down my train of thought for your reading pleasure:
Tricia, brunette girl who didn’t choose hot Matt, Jen the Firestone girl, Ali of E! Television fame, I heart Roberto, Ashley and her sonogram, Canada girl, DeAhnna, Andi, Des, Emily.
Excluding the fact that I couldn’t remember Jillian’s name and that this list is not in chronological order, I’m proud of myself. If you ever need to phone a friend from a game show, and the question is about pop culture nonsense or ’80s trivia, I’m your gal.
This season’s crop of bachelors have definitely been filtered through a wish list. Britt and Kaitlyn have specific desires when it comes to their suitors. They want them tall, dark and beefy with extremely white teeth. Bonus points if your career has something to do with fitness or showing off your body.
When you visit the website, the cast is showcased in sets of three. I decided to choose my favorite from each strip. Each choice is based solely on knee-jerk attraction. Allow me to walk you through my process:
Obviously my choice for this row is Ben H. Let’s take a closer look.
Ben H. has a bit of a Peter Brady thing going on. For those of you wondering—that’s not a bad thing in my opinion. Upon further inspection of his bio, Ben Brady appears to be quite normal. He likes to hike outdoors, his favorite superhero is Batman and he admires Nelson Mandela’s grace. The verdict is still out if he likes pork chops and applesauce. One thing to note: he’s a baby. Kaitlyn and Britt Britt may want someone a little older. Another possible con: Ben never mentions anything about working out, CrossFit or personal training. Ouch.
Bradley’s blazer makes me think that he probably gets annoyed when people call him Brad. And Brady’s hipster vibe means he probably owns a harmonica. Although I have a sweet spot for musicians, I’m gong with Ben Z. And it’s not just because I can probably see his smile from space.
According to Ben Z’s bio, he’s the same baby age as Peter Brady. He loves his mom (plus) and is a fitness coach. I’m not sure if that’s a coach of fitness trainers or just another way to say “fitness trainer,” but if you look closely, you can see the outline of manly pecs under that shirt. Here’s hoping there’s some hair on that chest!
Clearly Chris and Corey are related. Both need to tone down on the lip gloss front. My choice is Clint.
Look, a blondie! Clint’s bio proves he is normal. In fact, he’s so normal that he might be shoved into the boring category. Only time will tell.
Cory is cute. Daniel needs to shave. I’m going with David.
First of all, David looks great in red. Second of all, he needs to shave that soul patch monstrosity under his bottom lip. According to his bio, he loves his sister (sweet) and he plans on being a real estate mogul. I was on board until he mentioned wanting to be friends with Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt? Really? With all the Ryans in this world (Reynolds, Gosling) your ideal best buddy would be Brad Pitt? As someone who is (YET AGAIN) a baby in age, I’d expect Davey Boy’s bromance to land somewhere between the Ryans and One Direction.
This was a tough one for me. Jared looks like he’s trying too hard to look like he’s not trying too hard. Do you know what I mean? Ian is attractive, but there’s something about the way JJ is standing that makes me want to click him. So I’m gonna.
JJ is a “former investment banker.” Okay…so he’s current jobless? Did he choose to give it all up to be a contestant on The Bachelorette? There’s a lot of talk about sacrificing in his bio, which makes me think that he’s probably divorced. He is in his 30’s (hooray!) and feels like he’s living in the wrong era. PS: he’s athletic and will probably dominate the sports challenges. I’m intrigued.
It looks like Joe is trying to pull off the white man version’s of Jonathan’s hair. And Josh’s outfit makes me sad. Which to pick…which…to…pick…
Does this look like the face of an exotic dancer to you? It’s a tale as old as time—Josh strips to put himself through law school. He’s going to argue with everyone around him before he annoys them to death. FUN TIMES!
Joshua. No contest.
People, this is my pick! His bio is FUNNY. (His biggest fear is for his mom to come into a date, hold a Kleenex up to his nose and demand that he blows.) He’s an industrial worker. I’m not sure what that is, but it allowed him to climb Mount Kilimanjaro. He wants to find the woman God tailor made for him. Plus, PURPLE PLAID! I want Joshua to go far.
I’m going with Ryan M. I’m guessing he’s a fitness something.
I’m totally wrong. Ryan M is a “junkyard specialist.” Uh huh. I guess that means he is that dude who finds treasures at garage sales? He’ll see an old barn on a road trip, stop, find the farmer who owns the land and haggle his way into buying old tractor spark plugs for $10 a pop. Then he’ll sale them on E-Bay for $100 each. I like this guy. Or, I like the guy I’ve made up in my head. We’ll see what he really does for a living.
Shawn E is rockin the man necklace. And Tanner is kickin in his plaid. But I’m going for Tony, hoping that his hair will be cut before the show.
I take it all back. Tony lists “healer” has his occupation. They need long hair so it can blow in the wind. He also uses the phrase “hella rich” in his bio. I want this dude to go far.
Now it’s your turn! Who are your picks? Who will get through round one? With so many personal trainers, will the testosterone dominate the rose ceremonies? Or will they all becomes bros and spot each other lifting weights? Sound off in the comments section and I’ll see you back here MONDAY for the season premiere!