‘The Bachelorette’ season premiere recap, part 2: The most dramatic season ever

Bachelorette Kaitlyn

I can say without a shadow of a doubt that Our Host Chris Harrison is absolutely right—this IS going to be the most dramatic season of The Bachelorette…ever. After watching the last six minutes of the show (multiple times), I’ve reached the same conclusion. From the looks of it, ABC will have to wrap the remaining episodes in a plain brown wrapper and sell them by the register. Also, the ABC Psychotherapist is going to be working overtime with a line of crying dudes collected outside her door.

As a wise love guru once said, “Playas gonna play, play, play, play, play. And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.” The question is—will Kaitlyn be able to shake it off? Only time will tell.

Here’s what I was able to glean from this extra hour of The Bachelorette.

  1. Our Host Chris Harrison does not grasp the concept of “ripping the Band-aid.” When he approaches Britt to break the news that she will NOT be the next bachelorette, he precedes the truth bomb with a minute worth of small talk. Then he throws in a quick, “I’m just going to get right to the point.” Thirty seconds later, he’s offering to swoop a crying Britt’s hair as he walks her out.
  2. Britt takes the news well in front of Our Host, because that’s what Harrison would want her to do. Once she slides into the rejection limo and the sad piano music begins to swell in the background, all bets are off. Britt rides the struggle bus hard. Tanner’s tissues would really come in handy right now if her tears weren’t so imaginary.
  3. Harrison wastes no time telling Kaitlyn that she’s the official Queen Bach. And by “wastes no time” I mean he talks around the reality of the situation for a few minutes before bestowing the coveted label. She tries not to celebrate when Harrison tells her that he sent Britt home.
  4. For this entire exchange, it looked like one of Kaitlyn’s false eyelashes was falling off. When that didn’t distract me, I was staring at her statement ring—this season’s statement necklace or omnipresent scarf.
  5. Kaitlyn is so nervous that she threatens to throw up. Twice. If she’s this agitated now, can you imagine the chunks she’s going to blow when she enters a room full of potential husbands to tell them that she has already slept with one of their bros? #PoundingPepto
  6. Harrison offers to help Kaitlyn on the rest of her journey to find love. His first order of business? Getting her to read his new book, The Perfect Letter. (A review written by someone who has a working knowledge of the show and Our host Christ Harrison.)
  7. Harrison introduces Kaitlyn to the group as the new bachelorette. Ian, Joshua and Gosling are pumped. The others look like Tom Brady’s balls—deflated.
  8. Joshua pulls Kaitlyn away to give her the metal rose he welded. Because he took a hunk of iron and made something beautiful with it, Kaitlyn declares him a real man. (It’s as if the movie Steel Magnolias was never made.) Also, TEAM JOSHUA. PS: love his multi-colored gingham. Once again, TEAM JOSHUA!
  9. Justin the Helium Sucker scored a lot of screen time tonight. He was complaining. Ironically, it wasn’t about his wacky shirt/tie combination. He was irritated that the Team Britt dudes were quickly changing their stance to Team Kaitlyn. A smart move, in my opinion, since Harrison has just deemed her this season’s bachelorette. Tighten up, Justin.
  10. The Healer’s aura shifted from a cheery iridescent to a murky brown upon hearing that pulsating Britt was sent home. He claims that they are all drinking from the same fountain now (not an innuendo) and instead of standing in line to wait his turn, he’d rather go home to dig his own well. Sure, this analogy is incredibly random, but don’t blame him for being so upset. It’s been months since he had to wear shoes for this many hours in a row.
  11. Jared the Love Man admits that he voted for Brit. Kaitlyn respects his honesty and gives him a rose.If scenes from the upcoming episodes are accurate, she gives him a lot more than that. We don’t know if his incessant tears will drive her to drink. My guess is yes. Yes they will.
  12. Brady has felt more emotion in the last 24 hours (read: the entire time he’s been at the mansion) than he’s ever felt before. Sadly, these emotions are about Britt and not the woman standing before him. The singer/songwriter has no idea what to do with all these feelings. I’d say, “Don’t quit your day job, Brady,” but…
  13. JJ tells Kaitlyn that he has a daughter and he wants to know if she can handle that. Kaitlyn says that she would take him more seriously than the others and this validates JJ enough to “reset” how he feels about her. Kaitlyn shoves JJ to the top of the list for his honesty.
  14. Of course, JJ is quickly tossed aside when The Dentist comes around. He tells Kaitlyn that he simply can’t control himself. He suddenly leans in for a passionate, minty-fresh kiss. The eavesdropping dudes are surprised that someone not named Gosling has so much game. The Healer smiles and says, “You can’t judge a book by its cupcake.” Yes that didn’t make sense and OF COURSE I laughed hysterically. It’s clear that The Healer’s aura has changed to a chill green—the same color of the herbal refreshment he’s been enjoying in the bathroom.
  15. Declarations of love and bouts of long kissing engagements aside, Gosling wins the first impression rose, which is fitting since he’s crushing so hard. Instead of a passionate kiss like The Dentist, Gosling goes for the full on makeout sesh. Kaitlyn comes up for air and then dives back in. I wonder if he would write her a letter every day for a year if given the opportunity?
  16. Brady excuses himself from the rose ceremony to tell Kaitlyn that his heart is somewhere crying in a Ramada Inn down the street. Harrison swoops in and offers Brady the rejection van so he can win the rejected girl. Here’s hoping Brady and Britt make beautiful music together.
  17. Harrison really owns his paycheck. Not only did he bounce a drunk guy and count roses last night, but he kicks a girl off the island and then hand delivers her a reject. WHILE PROMOTING A BOOK. Move over Ryan Seacrest. There’s a new hardest working man in show business.
  18. Kaitlyn hands roses to The Dentist, Peter Brady, JJ, Kentucky Joe, Kupah, Daniel (?), the Non-Drunk Ryan, Joshua, The Healer, Clint, Corey/Cory, Jonathan, other Corey/Cory, Ben, Tanner, Ian, Helium Sucking Justin and Love Man Jared.
  19. Bradley, David, Amateur Sex Therapist, Brady, Drunk Ryan and the Stripper are all going home. But only Brady scored Britt’s digits.
  20. Because Mike Fleiss is an evil genius, NICK is back this season. He was Andi’s second place “winner” who asked her, “Why did you sleep with me?” on national television during the After The Final Rose. I hate/love this reality show.
  21. There will be many, many black modesty boxes for our viewing pleasure this year. Several will be utilized during a sumo wrestling match. Another is present as Kaitlyn’s presumable one-night-stand sneaks out of the hotel room and streaks across the lawn. That sentence is not an exaggeration.
  22. Kaitlyn admits to a rather large group of guys that she “went too far, too fast.” She further translates the obvious enigma by adding, “We had sex.” We’re not sure who put his rose in her box from the coming attractions, but my bet is on Nick.
  23. Ian accuses Kaitlyn of only being on the show so she can make out with a bunch of dudes. THEN SOMEONE LEAVES THE SHOW. Based on several rewinds, my guess is Ben or JJ.
  24. I think The Dentist experiences a nervous breakdown in the grass.
  25. So does Jared.
  26. And maybe JJ.
  27. And obviously Kaitlyn.
  28. It’s a good thing Our Host can point to page 133 in his book to explain how his lead character Leigh handled her devastation.
  29. My middle name is Leigh.
  30. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

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