The cat whisperer

I love Cats.

The musical. I can’t stand real cats.

The dislike was probably born out of medical necessity. You see, I’m allergic to cats. BIG TIME allergic to cats. If I sit on a couch that a cat has been on or near, my eyes become a watery, itchy mess and my air passages start to close.

Plus, most cats seem a bit snobby to me. It’s my opinion, but it’s probably true.

So you can imagine my disgust when the apartment cat decided to befriend me the minute I moved into my place almost two years ago. He sits at my window and meows for hours. I have to turn my TV up really loud to properly ignore him. Rumor has it that the gal who used to live in my apartment fed him all the time. And before you call me a mean cat hater, just know that the lady upstairs feeds him EVERY DAY and sometimes lets him in her place.

I’m itching just now thinking about it.

So Drake, as we call him because that’s the street I live on, is not hard up for loving. He thinks I am the bomb and loves me even though I don’t return the favor.

And how would I know this?

Because that dumb cats INSISTS on leaving me fun presents on my door mat. Let’s begin with the headless lizard. Sure it was the size of my finger, but none-the-less, DEAD and HEADLESS on my mat. It took a lot of courage for me to pick up the corner and fling the reptile into the nearby bushes. And then there was the frog he left me last summer. Poor chubby thing probably never saw Drake coming. That took a little more chutzpah to fling its dead carcass in the bush.

But there was one day that still haunts me. It will forever be the reason why I will never, EVER, fly out of my front door in a rush without looking below to see what treats have been bestowed on the infamous door mat.

It was winter. I remember because I had opened the door and felt a gush of cold air greet me. I closed the door and ran to find my gloves. I was in a rush to get to work and in my haste, I flung the door back open and started to step out to greet my day with a big smile. Praise be to the good Lord, I happen to look down.

It was St. Valentine’s Day massacre at my front door.

I was in mid-step and it took all of the strength in my legs to catapult myself over the bloody mess. I turned around to find a headless rat that had been gutted all over my mat and door. And when I say rat…I mean RAT! By the looks of things, it gave Drake the fight of his life. Blood was spattered on my door, my window, the carcass bush…EVERYWHERE!

I start to sick myself out looking at the remains of this animal. And then I notice. My glove is among the perished.

I guess in my attempt to hoist myself up an over, I lost grip on one of my mittens and it landed in the middle of the aftermath. Who cares, right?

I loved those gloved.

Notice I said loved.

Being used to frogs and lizards, it took a major pep talk with myself to strategically lean over just to lock my door. There was NO WAY I was going to attempt to fling any carcasses into the carcass bush this go around. I somehow managed to lock the door and then ran away as if the headless rat could chase me. I spot Drake on my way out and manage a “BAD KITTY” as I’m running for my life to my car. With one cold hand.

I call the apartment people and say that a small horse had been murdered on my front porch and someone needed to make sure that was NOT there when I returned home. I encouraged the guy that he needed to bring bleach as well.

“That cat must really love you,” he said. “It shows a sign of affection when they leave something like that on your front porch. It’s like a peace offering present.”

Maybe a nice gift basket full of wine and cheese next time?

Since then, I’ve been civil to Drake. Knowing that he is trying, makes me want to be nice. I greet him when I’m on the way to my car. I don’t kick him when he rubs up against my leg. It’s something, right?

So this weekend, a new neighbor moved in. Guess what? She has a cat. It’s an outdoor/indoor cat. And she’s mean. On Sunday, I heard a noise that made me jump out of my skin, run to the window with my phone in hand ready to call 9-1-1. It sounded like someone dying!

It was Drake and the new cat fighting. The most AWFUL noise you’ve ever heard in your life. And she was instigating! I had to go out and break the stupid fight up because I thought she was going to throw down. And Drake, being a gentleman, was not going to get into it with a girl cat. She ran off. Drake went to sulk by the pool.

That night, Drake was sprawled out by my door. Feeling sorry for him, I took my foot and scratched him three times. Just three. Can’t have him meowing at my window like he used to back in the day. I’ve just broken him of this habit. But three scratches is more than enough.

And this morning, I was left with this present.

You are welcome Drake.

Comments

48 Comments on "The cat whisperer"

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terri
terri

2 funny AND ewwwww!
i hope you like dogs, or are you allergic to them as well?

LUVVED. LOVED, loooooooveddddduh the recap! best evah!

so, when are we going to read more about all that is Lincee? you know, the other questions we posed a few weeks ago. more, we want more!!!
terri

Amanda

This is hilarious! AND the reason I never let the cat I had growing up outside.

adrienne
adrienne

Omg
I am crying. I am laughing so hard. That is hysterical. I like cats. Some are snobby, some are not. I think Drake is trying to woo you. I’m sure it takes a lot of effort to catch those critters

Amy
Amy

ewwww! I am allergic to cats too, and I hate them! They just seem “shady” to me. My apartment complex has a fox running around, talk about scary! Once in the winter I heard a terrible shrieking noise outside, I looked out my bedroom window and there was the fox… sitting up on its hind legs on the sidewalk STARING into my neighbor’s bedroom window and shrieking! Freaky fox! I’m still scared to walk out to my car at night!

Adrienne
Adrienne

I am a major cat lover, and this story just kills me. How funny! When you locked your door and ran away reminded me of how I am with dead bugs or something. You know they are dead, but you have this fear of them still!

Give Drake my love 🙂

Tina
Tina

Bwahahahahah! Best story all week! Thank you for making me laugh!!!

Kathy
Kathy

I’m CRYING. Greatness, Lincee.

WTF is that thing? It looks like it was a flying lizard of some sort!! EWWWWWWWW!!!

Texas-born
Texas-born

DRAKE? OMG Lincee’s my neighbor! And the world gets smaller.

Melissa
Melissa

Isabel and Stella would like for me to inform you that you are very fortunate to have Drake in your life. How would you know you’re allergic if he were not there to remind you? They live indoors and would, you should pardon the expression, kill, for the chance to leave me such charming gifts. In Brasil it’s considered good luck to have lizards come into your home — they walk on the walls and the ceiling, and are generally left entirely undisturbed. Isabel and Stella have begged me several times to allow just one of the local squirrels in, as a sign of good luck for our home near the park. They SWEAR they won’t hurt the squirrel — they just want to watch it play in the house, as a break from their regular routine of eating, pooping and then the exhausting task of sleeping 20 hours a day. Drake would probably agree that the larger the prey, the more satisfying the giving — the headless lizard was probably like a bad day on the court for him.

And remember Lincee — were Drake a female, you might have the great fortune of baby Drakes to admire!

k_stin
k_stin

THAT is classic! I, too, live in an apartment with crazy stray cats outside. They also make noises all night and sleep on our cars (which I hate). They have only left me what looks like hairballs, so I’ll be sure not to tap them. Yikes!

KoKo in Mo City
KoKo in Mo City

Poor headless BIRDIE!!!

Lincee, I’m not allergic to cats, nor dogs, they just give me the heebie geebies!!! Now I grew up with doggies (Daddy loves them), but I can only tolerate them from afar…. Our last doggie, Joe, used to leave us gifts with the same kinda flair as Drake, so I completely understand.

My friends ask why I don’t have at least a doggie. I tell them I bearly remember to feed myself so I would not want to inflict such hardships on poor defenseless doggie.

The only story I have about cats is my parents’ neighbor Ms. Fay is bka the Cat Lady. She has at least 15 in and out of her house. She even walks quietly like them. On Sunday, when my parents and I got back from our roadtrip to Dallas, she came to bring their newspapers. She scared the shootkins out of me as she just like appeared out of no where, stepping all lightly and such, behind the cars in the garage. All I saw was a shadow and let out a yelp. My mom cracked up when I ran back in to tell her Ms. Fay scared the be-jubilee out of me. She says gets them all the time too.

That’s all I’ve got.

Texas T
Texas T

Awwww….you are Graham to his DDahnna….

(the photo won’t load up for me, but somehow I am grateful)

addy

Aww… that cat really does like you! That sucks you’re allergic. I hope that new neighbor cat isn’t too much of a biatch!

My family’s cat leaves my sister “gifts” like that all the time – only, Ashes is an indoor/outdoor cat, so she tends to leave her gifts IN the house. The first time Ashes did this was YEARS ago – my sister came home from school to a trail of feathers leading down the hallway to her room. After a quick scan of the room, she thought it was nothing but feathers. Upon closer inspection, she found a decapitated bird under her bed. And there was the cat, sitting on top of her bed, pleased as can be, thinking that she was in for some extra affection. Oh, not so, kitty! My sister was about 12 and screamed her head off, crying that she could never sleep in the room again. Now, she’s 18, and is used to the dead bird under the bed routine. It doesn’t help that birds seem to like my parents’ backyard. It’s like a killing field every day right after the sprinklers go off.

DJ
DJ

Where’s an intern when you need one?

Drake #1
Drake #1

Ok this is just too weird. I’ve been reading this blog now for about a year (LOVE IT) and today as I was reading the cat whisperer post (and laughing hysterically) I thought to myself, “hmmm, that’s funny, I live on Drake St. at an apartment where there’s always this cat HOLY CRAP I THINK LINCEE IS MY NEIGHBOR.” And apparently #8 is my neighbor also. So, um, at the risk of sounding like a stalker … hi neighbors :).

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