We can all admit that we got a little suspicious during the two-on-one date with Holly and Marshana. Several little red flags went up during last night’s episode and I questioned if ABC was trying to trick me into believing that Marsh would actually stay and he would give Holly the boot. I even went as far as to mentally giving the ABC producers kudos for guiding me down the path to the ship that I almost boarded, but proceeded with caution.

The trickeration was all over the place and even though it was not out of the blue, I had a verbal reaction when he gave Marsh the rose. Sort of started out as a gasp that slowly transitioned into a wide-eyed uttering of, “Wow.”

Then I brushed it off figuring he didn’t really care for either girl so he was fine with the producers suggesting he send Holly packing. Marsh makes for better drama and she doesn’t do everyone’s hair in the house or give them spray tans.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Group Date
A Perfect Match

Kelly
Chelsea
Picker Ashlee
Noelle
Robin
Shayne

After hearing that there is going to be a two-on-one date in which SOMEONE goes home, these girls are pumped to know that they are going on the group date. Not only are they going to play tennis together, but they are going to have high tea afterwards. SCORE! Robin is super pumped. She drinks tea all the time. She learned all about tea when she backpacked across Europe that summer with the cool Chi Omegas from Florida State. She loves tea.

Shayne loves the tiny tennis skirts and begins a rather intriguing conversation with both Kelly and Chelsea on the proper under garment to wear with the skirt. Boy short? Cheeky hipster? Thong? Traditional white or punch of color? The possibilities are endless.

The girls all attempt to play and Matty is impressed that Picker actually made contact with the ball. Kelly is trying to garner some attention by pretending to dance on an invisible pole. But Chelsea, rockin’ the John McEnroe headband, is the one our Bachelor can not take his eyes off. He thinks she is hot.

Shayne, sensing the attraction between the two, decides to challenge Chelsea and her green headband to a hand stand contest. One…two…three…UP AND OVER!

Ah. We decided on the red boy short panties. Nice touch girls.

Shayne wins to Chelsea’s surprise. And it’s only after she executes 12 back handsprings across the lawn that we find out the sneaky temptress has a background in gymnastics.

Chelsea whines and then laughs at herself.
Kelly grinds her imaginary pole again.
Noelle blushes and secretly yearns for a gin rummy tournament later.
Picker giggles because she saw a butterfly.

And Robin tells the camera that would never stoop to doing gymnastics in order to gain attention from the Bachelor.

Our Bachelor decides to steal Picker Ashlee away to really get to know her better. He feels they’ve had zero connection since they first met. Picker Ash is super excited that he invited her into the woods for some alone time.

She tells the camera: “I’m glad he picked me first. I don’t like sloppy seconds.”

Matt: “You seem to be taking all this in stride.”
Picker (giggling): “What does that mean?”

Matt: “You know…dealing with this easily.”
Picker (giggling): “Dealing with what?”

Matt: “The stress of this experience.”
Picker (giggling): “Oh I’m not stressed. I talk to boys all the time. I can stay out past midnight if I want.”

Never fear dear audience. You are not experiencing a wicked case of déjà vu. This is the exact conversation we witnessed when we were blessed to meet Picker Ashlee for the first time. You know…when she busted out the guitar to sing him a song and looked quizzically at him when he told affectionately told her to “Fire away.”

Good thing she doesn’t have the guitar with her again. She might start…oh wait…guess she doesn’t need a guitar. She’s confident in her pipes alone. This should be interesting.

[Note: please read in a Reba McIntire accent with a little bit of breathy Britney folded in for good measure. Think “Fancy” with an underlying track of “Slave for You.”]

I feeeeeeeel
It could be reeeeeeeeal
But I’m scared
To let myself go THERE
Because

I feeeeeeeear
That I’ll fall so haaaaaaard
And you’ll just break my heeeeeeart

She finished with her signature squint and giggle. Alright Matty. Let’s see what you do with this one.

Matty: “That always gets me.”
Lincee waits for the punch line.

Matty: “When you sing, you grab me.”
Lincee takes Matty down a few notches on her cool-o-meter.
Picker: “I want a rose soooooooooooo bad.” Followed by some more giggles.

Meanwhile, the girls all discuss how Ashlee is just a baby and wonder why she wears a regular bra under her sports bra.

It’s now tea time for our group. After freaking out about the swans in the lake, the girls all gather around a little round table and take scones and jam from Robin. She’s in charge because her parents have a tea maker. A real tea maker. Instead of a coffee maker. She’s so more British than these other girls, it’s ridiculous.

Robin steals Matty away for some alone time. They talk about the tea maker some more and how they have an amazing UK connection. Robin thinks it’s because her parents just do British things without thinking. So it’s like she’s sort of British…but not. She also says that she’s falling for him. Matty is surprised to hear this since she is such a tough nut to crack. Robin fakes some embarrassment and tells her that she doesn’t open up easily and this is a big deal for her to admit.

Whatever. We know what guarded REALLY looks like. Her name is DeAHnna. Tune in to ABC this May to see it truly in action, okay Robin?

The other girls are ticked. Kelly complains about Robin bragging about her parents’ tea pot and could care less that she used to live in London. Shayne is upset that she never gives the other girls the time of day and decides it’s time to be honest with Robin. She and Kelly have an intervention and tell Robin that people are going to be talking about her behind her back if she’s not careful. Honing in on the fact that these girls have “relationships” with the Bachelor, Robin becomes anxious that they might snitch on her bold behavior and paint her in a bad light to Matty. She whips up a quick batch of tears and laments that she never was good at making friends, therefore, cutting off any pending acts of sabotage.

Matty decides to give the date rose to Chelsea. Look a lot of hutzpuh to parade around in that green headband all day long. Go girl.

Shayne digs in her Fendi bag for another pair of shoes.
Robin curses her parents for not allowing tennis lessons when she was young.
Noelle wonders if she can take a nap on the way home.
Kelly slips some vodka in her dainty tea cup when no one’s looking.

And Picker says to the camera:
“That majorly SUCKS! What is up with that? He gives Chelsea the rose? What am I? He totally was checking me out at my locker and I know when he asked to borrow my algebra book, that was a total excuse to talk to me. I know, right? And PS…Chelsea is two-faced. I totally took her off my top friends in MySpace.”

One-On-One Date
Let’s Take a Trip to the Past
Meeps

Oh Meeps. Gotta love her. And sweet Holly too. Ratting her hair to obtain maximum height. You see…Meeps wants to show Matty her bad girl tonight. He thinks she is conservative and refined, but she has driven on the wild side once or twice. And is looking forward to him seeing her in action.

It’s at this point that I half expected to hear, “I GOT CHIIIIIILLS. THEY’RE MULTIPLYING. AND I’M LOSING CONTROL!” in the background, but ABC opted for cheesey “do wop” music as Matty picks Meeps up for their 50s themed date. Missed opportunity intern. Let’s get your head back in the game.

Ah. There you go. Matching black pleather jackets. Adorable.

Wait a minute. I think I recognize the ABC intern’s work again! I personally suspect the producer came up to him a few days before and said that their creative date location…the Shetland pony farm…had fallen through and he needed to find somewhere…anywhere…for Matty and Meeps to go hang out. With a quick Google search, the intern was able to land a spot at the vintage car show in the area, complete with vintage car geeks in letterman jackets. But it gets better…the Wal-Mart down the street has a parking lot carnival that has agreed to shut down only for them. YES! YOU GO INTERN!

Matty and Meeps eat hamburgers and drink milk shakes while talking about how everything is comfortable with them. She says she’s conservative. He says he’s a geek. She says that she had already picked up on that and gives him a flirtatious wink. He decides to ask her to dance.

No wonder he danced like an eight-grader with Marshana that night. That’s as elaborate as he can get. No skills at all. Two more notches down the cool-o-meter for you Matty. Unacceptable.

They end up eight-grade-sway-dancing while making out (nothing wrong with that) and he gives her the rose. Then it’s off to Wal-Mart for the kiddie roller coaster.

Two-On-One Date
Holly and Marshana

The date box arrives in a big silver pot. Shayne (because she hasn’t done this before…what the crap?) opens the lid to reveal a metal whisk, chef’s hat, aprons, spatulas and menus.

Holly: “WE’RE COOKING!”

Yeah…got that from the big silver pot ten minutes ago Holly. Tune in Tokyo.

This is where ABC begins its trickeration techniques on the viewing audience.

Big montage that lasts about ten minutes. Holly says she and Matty have something special. Marsh thinks that she and Matty have something special too, but is concerned that there has been no alone time. Robin says that she would never want to be in either of their positions because someone is going home. Marsh gets mad at Robin for saying this and becomes emotional because this is REAL to her people and she is going to dig and fight and scratch her way to win this rose. Then she starts crying and admits that she is scared because she has never kissed him or been on a one-on-one date.

Why all this background information I’m wondering.

Marsh and Holly arrive at Matty’s apartment. Ironically, no one ever cooks. But that doesn’t stop Marsh from wearing the chef’s hat that arrived in the pot. I’m pretty sure it was just a prop that the ABC intern scored from someone at Central Market, but that’s neither here nor there. Marsh is wearing it. Maybe she heard Matty likes head accessories and wants to pull a John McEnroe of her own? I’m not sure. Could go either way! CURSES ABC TRICKERATION!

Matty needs to know who is outgoing and wants this more. He asks, “Would you move to the UK?”

Marsh: “Nothing is holding me in New York. I can go anywhere you want me to go.”
Holly: “I’ve always wanted to visit London.”

Marsh: “I would do anything for love. I would run to hell and back. I would do anything for love. I’ll never lie to you and that’s a fact.”
Holly: “Ditto to what she said. Put me on an island and I could survive. If you were there.”

Excuse me while I vomit in my trash can.

Okay. I’m back. Let’s see…ditto is never a good answer. Marsh could be making a comeback.

Matty tells the camera they are neck-and-neck. Seriously? I think I should give Marsh a few more points. Weird ABC editing perhaps?

He decides to speak to them alone. Marsh is by the fire pit outside. She tells the Bachelor that her Mama said you know when you are ready for love by the fact that you are willing to recognize the benefits and the risk. No guts no glory. (Good thing this was not Picker, or we would have sat through a good two minutes of explaining that expression.) He gives her a peck kiss and goes off to visit Holly.

Holly is conveniently horizontal on a bed. Mentally number one again in my mind. They talk about how they are both boring and like to watch movies. But then our Bach gets bold and asks:

Matty: “Do you have any challenging questions for me?”
Lincee: MAJOR RED FLAG HOLLY. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
Holly: “I can’t think of any.”

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand there you have it. I knew at this point that she was probably done. Or had dug herself a nice little hole that would be difficult to climb out of. Asking if she had any challenging questions? Hello! That’s code for, “You are attractive, but is there any activity going on in that little noggin of yours?”

We find Marsh and Holly wrapped in crimson pashminas. Would it kill you to turn on the heat man? Clearly they are chilled.

Anyway…he talks about how emotionally draining this is and rather abruptly offers Marsh the rose.

Poor Holly is holding back the tears. He walks her to the limo and said that he was physically attracted to her, but conversation had been difficult. What a nice way to put it Matty! Holly is in shock and can’t believe she poured her heart out to Matty.

The girls back at the mansion are shocked that Holly’s bags are the ones the random man picks up. It was a big reality check for all of them. It’s time to pour their hearts and put everything on the line.

Rose Ceremony
Everyone comments on the mood of the room. This has become real people. Kelly pretty much knows she’s going and points to the camera with the finger that previously was pickling her gin and tonic, that she promises to not cry when she’s booted.

Matt enters the room, tells the ladies that he is very upset from the night before and wishes to see everyone one-0n-one.

Picker Ashlee’s Time
Matty: “When you pull out that guitar, my heart just goes.”
Lincee: Seriously?
Ash (giggling and squinting): Really?
Lincee: That’s what I said…

Matty: “But I wonder if there is more?”
Lincee: There it is. Finally.
Ash: “We should totally find out! I think we should have a full day together. We can go to the mall, catch the new Ryan Philippe flick and then back to my parent’s house…I mean basement apartment for some Guitar Hero. What do you say?”

Matty: “That sounds fun, but it might not be an option after tonight. Have you ever lived away from home?”
Ash: “Totally. I live out of a suitcase sometimes.”
Lincee: Hey Ash…band camp doesn’t count as living away from home. Get a clue.

Matty: “If you moved to the UK and your music career didn’t take off, what would you do?”
Ash: “It totally WILL take off. Or you could just travel with me. Or we could just live. That would NOT suck at all. I know, right?”
Lincee: Bless her heart.

Poor Ash is totally in the dark. She should go find Kelly and drink up now because her minutes are numbered.

Ash: “Music can be created anywhere, but love is rare. Whoa. That totally rhymes. I need to write that down before it goes out of my head. Anyone have a pen?”

Enter ABC intern.

Alone Time with Noelle
Uhm…something about a question mark above her head. That’s all I have in my notes.

Alone Time with Kelly
[Cue stripper music]
Ironically, our first order of business when Matty finds Kelly sitting on the couch is to comment on her body language…crossed arms in front of chest. A sign that you do not want someone coming any closer. Matty encourages her to uncross her arms and be more playful. She seems very funny and outgoing with a group of girls, but reserved when with him.

Kelly leans over and the viewer ponders if she is crying or having sever cramps. She comes up with a goofy grin on her face, a few tosses to give her hair that bed head look…

And proceeds to pull open her plunging v-wrap dress to reveal ginormous boobies held in tightly by a bedazzled black bra. Why all the details you ask? Because the ABC camera man zoomed in on the melons for 30 seconds. At least. Boobs. Right there.

Matty gives a priceless Jim Halpert look to the camera, leans back in awe and asks the question we all want to know…“Why do that?”

Alone Time with Shayne
Matty makes out with Shayne because she tells him to send the other girls away.

Roses
It’s pretty predictable at this point that Matt chooses Shayne, Robin and Noelle to join Meeps, Marsh and Chelsea in the rose ceremony semi-circle. Kelly gives Matty a high five and puts the digits of the ABC camera man in her bedazzled bra as she exits the mansion. Ash is attacked in a death grip by Marsh and, while taking deep cleansing breathes, makes her way to the Bachelor. He pats her on the head and sends her away through the door.

I found it interesting that he didn’t walk her out. She’s clearly upset. So much so that the ABC psychotherapist convinced her that the best way to begin the healing process is to sing the haunting last line of the song she wrote for Matty.

I feeeeeeeear
That I’ll fall so haaaaaaard
And you’ll just break my heeeeeeart

I’ll probably eat my words when she’s on CMT’s Top 20 in a few years.

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee