The Knight in Shining Armani Red Pants
After suffering through 57 collective minutes devoted to Jake extending an olive branch to Vienna on nine different occasions and Crazy Melissa convincing herself through a sensational fit of ugly crying that Blake is her soul mate, we end the night with what might be the purest moment in Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor Pad history that could never be scripted by Mike Fleiss in a million years.
Oh yeah…and Our Host Chris Harrison laid the smack down on Vienna!
I’m concerned yet secretly thrilled that The Bachelor Pad is back to being a special place where those not acting like complete dill holes are in the minority. I trust that a select few more than likely woke up on the wrong side of the padded room this morning and hope that the ABC Psychotherapist is borrowing a few prescriptions from Erica to up the dosage of said contestants.
I’m speaking directly to you Melissa.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nephew/former classmate of someone who is obsessed with the Hunger Games trilogy and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
It’s important to note that Kasey has gone full-blown Don Corleone and is mere moments away from making his minions kiss his tattoo when they are in his presence. To no one’s surprise, he’s still out to guard and protect his beloved Vienna’s heart by destroying Jake. Jake on the other hand, mopes around the grounds of the mansion talking about how he has to win the next immunity rose because there is a HUGE target on his back.
As coincidence would have it, the next challenge is called “Human Target” and all of our lovely contestants stand in their blinding white bathing suits while the ABC intern spray paints a bullseye on their back as Harrison (adorable in a plaid shirt with gingham cuffs) spells out in great detail the rules and regulations of this competition. Basically, the men are blind folded with their targeted backs facing the women. Harrison asks a question and the girl has to chuck an egg full of colored paint at the man who best fits that description. The egg has to break on the body to count and the one with the most points wins a romantic date.
Question 1: Who are you least attracted to?
Gia hits an unidentified blond (I’m assuming the ambiguous Kirk/William duo), Melissa hits William, Holly, Ella, Vienna and Michelle all miss, Erica hits Kasey and Jackie hits Michael Stag.
Stag: “Whoever hit me was tough. I grunted. But like, in a man way of course.”
Question 2: Who least deserves money?
Jackie pegs Graham, Melissa hits Ames and the rest miss again.
Question 3: Who do you want to see go home this week?
Poor Jake looked like a masterpiece canvas at the finger painting station in Kindergarten class.
At this point, Melissa and Jackie both have three points and are forced into a sudden death tie breaker by answering the question: Who is the dumbest guy?
Jackie misses ambiguous William/Kirk by inches. Melissa scores a direct hit on Graham for the win.
The ladies line up firing squad style as Harrison continues the game.
Question 1: Who will most likely to cheat on you?
Most of the guys target Vienna, Erica or Ella, which she and I both found surprising.
Question 2: Who do you want to go home this week?
Everyone chose Erica except Jake who missed his toss towards Vienna’s general direction.
Question 3: Who is the least attractive?
At this point, Erica’s string bikini is unrecognizable from all the poster paint streaming down her backside. She silently took each hit with trembling lips. I actually felt sorry for her when I realized she was out of her Valium cloud enough to know what was going on.
Erica: “It’s painful to have them say they are not attracted to me. I’m very curvaceous…nothing on me is fake. Ella is way bigger than me and not as pretty.”
I wonder if she has to work that hard to be obnoxious or if it just comes naturally?
Our Host calls the troops together, announcing that Crazy Melissa and the Stag were the lucky winners. Each get to choose three contestants to go with them on a romantic date where there will be one rose up for grabs. Then, like children caught playing in a mud pile outside, he instructs that they all go hose off out back while he talks with the grown-ups inside at the Beverly Hills Hotel bar on Sunset.
The Stag’s date card arrives with the eerie lead in, “Are you afraid of the dark?” He chooses Erica, Michelle Money and Holly for very strategic reasons.
Erica: He felt sorry for her painted egg beating earlier in the day, especially since he caused the rather large whelp on her left butt cheek.
Michelle Money: She’s hot.
Holly: He is still unequivocally in love with his ex-fiancé.
Dressed, primped, plucked and liquored up for their romantic date outside of Casa Bachelor, the quartet pile into a limo, push through the awkwardness of Holly and Stag’s relationship issues and set out for a night full of slurred speech, random make-out sessions and hopefully a spontaneous sampling of the latest greatest break dancing moves.
Instead we get a pitch black insane asylum filmed in the nausea inducing Blair Witch style courtesy of the infamous Linda Vista Community Hospital.
Stag: “When Holly and I were together, we read a book about Linda Vista and how a lot of bad stuff happened here. I mean a LOT of bad stuff. It’s like the four of us are filming the Wizard of Oz, but instead of going to Oz, we’re going to hell.”
What a joke of a date to get stuck on. I’ll spare you the screaming and the mouse discovering and the chanting. Kudos to the ABC intern for being forward thinking enough to turn on a faucet of running water when Stag and Erica conducted a seance in the examining room, asking the person who was there last to send them a sign.
You deserve a raise my friend.
Who’s bright idea was it to replace a relaxing hot tub or couples massage at the nearest five-star resort with hundreds of votive candles and a fluffy blanket in the middle of a haunted chapel? Whatever. I guess Michelle Money prefers soft lighting when she puts on her counseling hat and digs around for the meaning of love when it comes to Holly’s psyche. Holly admits that she loved to laugh with the Stag as Money reassures her raw, gin-soaked brain that she believes there’s something still there between them.
Stag: “This was definitely not a fun date because I had the crap scared out of me. With that said, I’m giving the rose to Holly because I want some more time with her.”
They head to the sanctuary of the roof and discuss how neither of them knows why they broke up in the first place. Stag begins to cry and confesses that all he wants if for Holly to be happy.
Holly: “The timing was off. When I finally loved you, you didn’t love me back.”
Stag: “I loved the SH$# out of you.”
Lincee: “Awww. Loving the SH$# out of someone. That’s so sweet.”
Holly drives a knife directly into the heart of our Stag by telling him she always wants to be friends. He wisely backs off and says that he wants more. She cries. He cries. And then tells the camera that if she needs space, that’s what he’ll give her.
And Holly uses the space that’s directly next to Blake on a very large bed in the Boom Boom room, but I’ll get to that later.
The next date card arrives and Crazy Melissa learns that she is about to “chart a course for romance” with three of the men in the house. She selects gangster Blake in his black do-rag, Live Strong Kirk and a surprising choice in Don Kasey. She offers him a deal he can’t refuse: “I’ll give you the rose, if you ensure my safety next week.” The Godfather scratches his chin and agrees.
Crazy lands a legitimate romantic date that takes place at sunset on a yacht. She sits on Blake’s lap as he rubs her leg and thigh. Behold. The dentist is making his strategic move.
Back at STD Island, Jake has made the sensible decision to approach Vienna for help. This joker needs to MAN UP and let her dig her own grave, but he’s just one pilot short of a cargo flight and doesn’t get it. He approaches her with his tail properly tucked between his legs and requests a private audience with her.
Vienna: “I’m not comfortable speaking to you without Kasey.”
Jake politely leaves to mope around the begonias as Vienna trash talks him to anyone willing to listen. Everyone is exhausted with her gossip.
Over on the high seas, Blake cautiously lays the groundwork so he can make his move.
Blake: “I don’t trust Kasey. He tells everyone that he has their back. Obviously, that devalues his credibility. Melissa trusts him blindly. I need some one-on-one time. I need to do everything I can and let her know that I want the rose.”
Melissa is eager to follow Blake back to the bowels of the yacht where they can get some alone time. Blake quickly sprays some Binaca in his mouth, asks a quick prayer of forgiveness and dives in for the kill.
Blake: “You told me that you can tell everything about a person by the way they kiss. I want to give you something to think about.”
Yes, there was tacky porn music playing in the background and I can confirm that Blake was actually wearing a gray Member’s Only jacket. Those to gems combined with the gross, awkward kissing that was displayed on my TV made me and four others watching lunge for the remote control so we could review the train wreck again for verification that it was indeed one of the cheesiest moments ever aired on this show.
Congratulations Dentist. You just out chached Prince Borghese.
Blake: “It was the easiest way to pacify her for the moment. If I have to whore myself out to keep her happy, I can do it. Not that I wanted to do it, but I did have a few drinks to make the process easier.”
My first standing ovation of the night came when Melissa, with fanatical pride, extended the date rose to Blake instead of Don Kasey. Sure she’ll be sleeping with the fishes next week, but I reveled in the fact that for once, something didn’t go Kasey’s way.
The next morning, we find Gia scribbling on a legal pad in the pool cabana. Just as I was about to roll my eyes that she’s already journaling on day two, we learn that she is charting her house mates by power. Even though she has publically touted Jake as her “friend”, she pulls Graham over to inspect her chart and form an alliance to break up the power couples. Graham agrees that Kasey can not be trusted.
Upstairs in the Boom Boom Room, Blake and Holly are giggling like school girls on the massive bed as a hysterical Melissa frantically searches every nook and cranny for her beloved dentist.
“Blake? Blaaaaake? BLAAAAKE!” she screams, even taking a moment to defy the cardinal reality rule of looking deep into the lens of the camera guy following her around to ask with an anxious tone, “Do you know where he is?”
Holly teases Blake about Melissa’s “crush” on him. I also wonder about the “crush” and fear that Blake’s head might end up between a wall and a frying pan if he’s not careful.
Suddenly, bright pink sweat pants, a purple tank top and a pair of crazy eyes scans the room and spots a rather lovey dovey couple on the bed. Naturally, Melissa chooses to make this duo a trio and adds herself as the left half of the Blake sandwich.
Blake: “That was not the threesome I had in mind.”
Melissa stares at him like she wants to boil his bunny. Holly either senses the tension and decides to leave or her gets up to refresh her wine glass. One can’t be sure, but the point is that the latest “power couple” is now alone.
Melissa: “HOW COULD YOU? Why would you do this to me?”
Blake: “How have I incurred doubt in your mind?”
Melissa: “You are totally hooking up with Holly.”
Blake: “Don’t get emotional.”
Melissa: “I’m not emotional. I’m annoyed.”
Blake: “That’s an emotion.”
Melissa: “I don’t want any more drama. I spent a long time defending myself from that fricking episode with Brad 2.0. And I came back to prove that I am a fun, nice person. DO YOU HEAR ME??? I AM A FUN, NICE PERSON!”
Lord Douche is still pouting in the bunk bed room, wondering if Vienna will help save him tonight. He decides to approach her, again, this time with Kasey by her side.
Jake: “This is me with my hat in my hand. You guys can save me and I’m in trouble and I need your help. You don’t owe me anything. Can you please do it out of the kindness of your heart?”
More like cold and icy heart, but I get the gist.
Kasey: “Do you deserve to be here?”
Kasey: “How come?”
Jake: “Because I plan to donate every penny to …”
Vienna: “Whatever Jake. I know you are in debt for 300 thousand from your failed limo company. You don’t deserve to be here.”
Wounded, Jake slinks off into the darkness. Live Strong Kirk and Ella both feel sorry for him. Naturally, Kasey playing The Godfather gets Vienna all hot and bothered as they begin to make out in front of everyone. ABC holds steady in the production department in case they need to whip out a black modesty bar for Vienna’s boobs. Kasey makes his guard and protect heart tattoo beat in his forearm. I shove a number two pencil in my eyes because there are some things you just can’t un-see.
Our Host Chris Harrison has an extra jaunt in his step tonight as he bounds down the stairs of the sunken living room to visit with our contestants.
Something is up on STD Island. Harrison is too happy.
I can’t wait.
OHCH: “How are things going?”
William: “There’s tension.”
OHCH: “Really? I had no idea.”
Jake: “Jake and Vienna is what he means.”
OHCH: “Why don’t you guys just bury the hatchet?”
Vienna: “Because it doesn’t make sense to have your ex-fiance in the house Chris.”
OHCH: “Stag and Holly seem to be making the best of it.”
Vienna: “It’s just not fair. ABC forced us to have a breakup on national TV. And now they are forcing us to be here.”
Not since the day that Roz Pappas dared to besmirch the reputation of Chris Harrison has this much lightning flashed through Our Host’s eyes. The sunken living room is silent. Not one person moves. The pill is still on the end of Erica’s tongue. Holly has stopped mid sip from her champagne flute. Stag is on his stomach having just executed an impressive centipede. Kasey’s heart, both anatomical and tattoo, have stopped beating. How will he guard and protect Vienna now?
With the simple cock of an eyebrow and squint of an eye, Harrison responds with a calm, cool confidence:
“Who forced you to be here? There’s a door. And there’s another one. Can I call you a cab? By the way, two women will be going home tonight. Men…you’re safe. Harrison out.”
He gives a charming smile and has the ABC intern immediately call his agent to renegotiate his contract.
At the discovery of this game-changing news, the contestants begin to campaign in mass chaos.
Vienna: “EVERYONE SIT DOWN. We are NOT doing this because IT’S CHEATING!”
Kasey: “We’ll go home. We’ll go home right now. This isn’t right.”
Vienna: “WE CAN’T LET HIM WIN!”
Since Kasey is the leader, he must decide which two women will be going home and then tell the rest of his minions how to vote. He seeks out Gia for some one-on-one time.
Kasey: “Honey, honey, honey…I love you but you shouldn’t have been caught up in this mess.”
Gia: “What do you mean?”
Kasey: “I know you tried to make and alliance with Graham and his great abs. You don’t think he came straight to me to tell me that you were gunning to have me voted off? It’s okay. Don’t cry. You gave it a good run.”
Gia carries her little bikini body over to Graham as fast as her Manolo Blahniks will carry her. Through a tear-stained face and curiously thicker Jersey accent, she jabs her perfectly manicured finger into his glorious abs and declares them no longer friends.
Graham: “I did tell Kasey, but I never though he would tell her.”
Gia packs up all of her belongings, changes into some travel comfortable jeans and four-inch heels before seeking out Harrison to tell him that she is done with these fake, devious people.
Gia: “This is NOT who I am!”
OHCH: “Clearly. We’ve given you two shots to mastermind this game and you always seem to quit before you’re voted off. Here’s you’re limo. Watch out for the ABC Psychotherapist hiding in the floor board. See ya Gia!”
For some reason, the contestants fail to realize the potential they have for breaking up a power couple by voting Vienna off STD Island. Instead, both Jackie and Ella have their heads on the chopping block. Ella reminds us with very sad eyes that she needs the money because she’s a single Mom. Ames is forced to find alliances in Kasey and Vienna in order to save his sweet Jackie.
Ames: “It’s been a tumultuous night. If Jackie is in jeopardy, then I’m in jeopardy. I hope Kasey and Vienna help us. We’ve held on to our integrity the whole time. It can make you or break you.”
This just in: Melissa is still batty for Blake. The erratic tears have made her makeup melt off her face, yet she insists on only re-applying lip gloss to her hot mess. With disheveled hair and trembling extremities, she stage whispers that he has sealed his own fate by hooking up with another woman right in front of her.”
Blake: “If you want to have an adult conversation, I would welcome that. Which personality am I talking to right now?”
All of the contestants are herded outside where the Stag, Blake, Melissa and Holly are in the safety zone. With Gia unexpectedly leaving, roses are given to Vienna, Michelle Money, Erica and Ella.
Always the gentleman, Ames turns to Kasey and thanks him for trying his best to save his Juliet.
Ames: “My initial thought was to stay calm and remember what is important…that I have the affection of this beautiful woman and a possible future that’s worth pursuing.”
All of the female contestants surround Jackie for hugs and kisses and Ames waits patiently to escort her back to the rejection limo with a heavy heart. After a long hug, several tender kisses and that classic Ames smile, he places her in the limo and faces the biggest group of dill holes this side of the Mississippi.
He hesitantly walks his red pants back before pausing and raising his hands, quieting the crowd. We all waited to hear what he had to say.
There have only been a few times in my personal history in which I impulsively stood before my television screen and squealed at the romance unfolding before my very eyes. In no particular order, they include:
1. Joey kissing my fake boyfriend Pacey at the campfire.
2. Ross and Rachel: “He’s her lobster.”
3. Jim and Pam: “It’s a date.”
4. Sidney and Vaughn making out in the middle of the former SD-6 demolished headquarters.
5. Alex dipping Izzie back off her bar stool, kissing her passionately and then telling her good night.
And now I will add a number six to that list:
Ames performing a quick trigonometry calculation in his head, realizes that his time would be best spent with his new love Jackie. With both arms still raised in “SILENCE” mode and everyone looking at him, he cracks a smile, eagerly waves goodbye and turns robotically to chase down the limo that is whisking his dearly loved Jackie away.
In the words of Ashley as I grab my non-existent pearls around my neck, “SHUT UP!”
Then they kiss. Don’t worry. She can help him along in that department. Here’s hoping that Jackie likes Ames as much as he likes her!
Next week, get ready for synchronized swimming, Speedos and Jake’s apparently large package. Erica said it…not me.
All about the shame, not the fame,