The Need for Speed

I’m in Rock Springs, Wyoming tonight. My knee is swollen to the size of my thigh. My head is killing me and the bed at the Quality Inn is sub-standard.

But I’m here. I’m dedicated. I will press on through the pain and discomfort.

Before I jump in and discuss last night’s AWESOME episode, I thought I’d answer some of the questions from the message board:

Q: Are you writing a book?
A: Wouldn’t that be fun? I have no idea what I would write about though. I have decided to launch a website where I blog about the crazy things in my life at the conclusion of this season’s Bachelor. Stay tuned for details!

Q: Are you single? Will you marry me? (two separate entries)
A: I am single. However, while visiting an offshore rig in Mexico three weeks ago, a guy was introducing me to all of the crews as his wife. Not being fluent in Spanish, I had no idea he was doing this until I left the rig. I don’t think we got married while I was there…If you happen to visit Ciudad del Carmen in the near future, the rumor is that I’m married to Jose. Not sure of my last name, but we make a lovely couple!

Q: How many posts do you have?
A: I’m at 633,000 hits

On with the recap!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies…that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos and Spaghetti O’s or have a spin instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

BOOT CAMP BABY!
After our traditional opening montage by hour host Chris Harrison, the scene switches to a beautiful sunrise. Slowly, we hear birds chirping. Women sleeping. More birds chirping.

And we all know what is about to happen…

A loud, bossy man covered in camouflage screams to the top of his lungs:
“Let’s go! Let’s GO! LET’S GO!”

Girls begin to freak out. Kate tosses out a few curse words and complains about her hangover. Hef’s wife looks confused and is lost without her twin. And our host Chris Harrison is choking back a fit of the giggles as Mr. Clean on Crack beckons the girls downstairs.

Mr. Clean explains the girls will be going to boot camp to compete for a rose and the affection of the Lieutenant. I’m a bit nervous that the “fun” will begin right now, fully knowing that it would be the ABC intern’s idea to boot camp sans bras. Not the case.

But there are a ton of butt shots as the girls get ready.

The sergeant gives two of the girls a toothbrush and tells them to scrub the toilets. His motto? Life sucks and then you die.

The girls are ushered outside for some morning calisthenics. Sergeant is screaming for number 12…where is number 12? We see Punky putting lotion on in the bathroom. She is late!

1-2-3-4
I don’t know
But I’ve been told
5-6-7-8
I am going
To get the rose

They really just said that. Huh.

Knees up!
NO GIRL PUSH-UPS ALLOWED!
Erin is pissed because she just had to go on a date and exercise.
Kate is worried about grass stains.
Bevin is working hard. She wants the rose. She’s even yelling “SIR YES SIR” ever chance she gets. She is playing the part!

And then she trips on the tire course and falls to the ground grabbing her ankle.
At first, I’m thinking she is faking it. But when the ABC psychotherapist, cameraman and producer come running up to her, I’m thinking it is a bit serious.

Notice I didn’t mention the ABC intern. Do you know why? Because our crafty intern has run off to fetch the good doctor. Dr. Baldwin that is…

The producer is totally in on the gig. “Medic! We need a medic!”

And out of the blue, Dr. Baldwin comes running up the driveway. Rose in hand. I half expected it to be in his teeth!

“Are you the medic?” asks the Sergeant…
“I’m THE DOCTOR!” exclaims Andy!
“WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO MEEEEEE!” whines Bevin.

I know it hurt. I know it was really broken or twisted, but this was a time for Bevin to suck it up and show some control. You don’t want the Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman to think you are weak, do you? He likes tough girls!

But apparently I’m way off, because the doctor gives the rose to the fallen soldier. Right before the ambulance picks her up to whisk them away to the hospital.

Back in the mansion…

Our host Chris Harrison explains that boot camp did not go as planned. I would give MONEY to see what they had in store for the girls. Instead, Chris tells the girls about the first group date:

Group Date One
Let’s Spend the Day Relaxing
Gymnast Stephanie
Punky Nicole
Amber
Tina
Stephanie

The Lieutenant likes girls who can get down and dirty. So he takes the gaggle of girls to a mud spa. It’s quite simple what you do at a mud spa…you smear mud on Baldwin’s hot twelve pack abs and chiseled shoulders.

Watch out for Psycho Steph though. She tells the group that she and Andy are waaaaay close and when they see each other in bathing suits, it’s over. The girls hate Psycho Stephanie. She is stealing all the attention.

Tina is not joining in the fun of the mud. She doesn’t want other girls to put hands over man she is marrying

The girls take turns knocking Psycho out of the way in the shower while rinsing the mud off of Andy. They change into matching robes, drink champagne and talk about what they’ve done in mud before and past relationships.

Our Bachelor is touchy-feely. Have you noticed this? He’s a hugger and a waist holder. He also tends to grab knees when sitting by our bachelorettes.

It’s time for the Lieutenant to pick someone for some special time and he chooses Gymnast Stephanie. YES! Psycho is ticked off!

The Lieutenant leads Steph to a double massage table. He leans his arm over to hold her hand. They talk about how they don’t know each other well and Steph is excited for him to get to know her better. So she straddles him and gives him a massage. Andy is pumped that he got a little TLC. Hey…whatever works.

Cut to the mansion…
Bevin is back. Huge black and blue ankle. Crutches. Diamond watch from Andy.

What the crap?

Group Date Two
I Feel the Need…
Kate
Dani
Hef’s Wife
Amanda

Of course, Andy shows up in a leather jacket and aviator glasses. He picks the girls up to go drive cars fast. He likes the danger. He likes women who take risks.

He takes each girl aside for some alone time.

Hef’s wife is nervous that our Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman, thinks that she is prissy and worries that he hasn’t seen her true personality. They hang out at the car and she tells him that his is probably the SECOND best date idea. The first would be to shoot guns. Andy thinks that she may be a Barbie, but she can do some manly things.

Riiiiiiiiight.

He and Dani talk about faith, soul mates and defining moments in life. Poor Dani talks about her deceased boyfriend again. Very sad story of him passing away in the bed with her. She gets teary. Andy consoles.

Kate says SHUT UP about twelve times.

Amanda thinks she is going to do well because she used to go 120 miles per hour while trying to beat curfew when she was in high school. Yep. That’s the same.

Here are the rules: the time starts, drive around the cones…don’t hit them. Every cone hit—two second penalty.

Amanda is safe…she is a natural.
Dani lets loose.
Kate drives all over the cones. She scared the Be-Jesus out of Andy!
Hef’s wife can’t drive a stick shift. Car dies several times.

And because she tried so hard, she gets the special alone time in the Delorean.

This is why I love Andy Baldwin. He strait up tells us that he likes Hef’s wife…that she is beautiful, bleach blond, and he is attracted or sure. But he is cautious. He does not know that she feels the same.

And Hef’s wife brilliantly answers:
“What you see is definitely NOT what you get.”

What?!?!

Andy says that he is trying to make it as comfortable as possible for her and that he wants her to come out of her shell. He knows there is more than meets the eye, but he wants her to show him!

Two-on-Two Date
PAYTON
Tessa

The girls open their box and pull out t-shirts that say, “Future sailor’s wife.” Funny. According to your note, one stay and one will go. So that’s false advertising. PAYTON SHOULD SUE THE SHOW!

Tess has a great attitude. She tells the camera that tonight is about getting to know Andy better and figuring out if HE is the one for me. Great attitude!

The girls go to the USS Midway in San Diego.

My favorite quote of the night:
PAYTON: “Are we seriously going on that big ass boat?”

Nice.

Andy is in his element. He shows the girls around the boat. He is at home. He wants them to get a taste of what it is that he does.

PAYTON loves seeing him in his element. She loves that he is confident and comfortable.

Andy shows the girls the doctor’s office on the boat. He checks PAYTON’S heartbeat and tells her that the fuller is in some need of love.

Bucket. Where’s my bucket?

Andy asks the girls his favorite question…have you ever dated a doctor? Someone in the military? Here’s to firsts! And toast the champagne.

Cue the military drum cadence. Andy takes each girl for some alone time. PAYTON wants him to know that she is in this for real. She explains that it has JUST hit her…she’s crazy about him. She tells the camera she doesn’t want to leave with a broken heart.

Tessa makes a bold statement in her alone time.
“When I’m not with you, I question if I should be in this. And then when I see you, I know that it is right.”

The trio sits at a table and talk about how great the date has been. Then, a helicopter starts flying over them. It’s so close! It’s coming back!

I love the fact that Andy didn’t know about the helicopter. He soon figures out that it is time to send someone home. He runs to get the lone rose and returns to the girls in a death grip embrace with each other, cheek-t0-cheek, wrapped in their coordinating pashminas.

He tells PAYTON laid her heart on the line and that her convictions are true and amazing. And then gives Tess the rose.

It is then when I feel sorry for PAYTON. Not because she didn’t get the rose and started crying, but the fact that the intern made her stand on the flight deck as the helicopter flew around her with a spotlight. One would think that the girl going home would have been sent packing in the chopper. Not so.

To quote PAYTON…that just sucked.

The doctor trots off to be with Tessa on the helicopter. He is giving her all the signs of wanting to make out, but Tess is throwing up some walls. He gets an awkward kiss in the end.

BEFORE THE ROSE CEREMONY
Side note: How do we feel about boys drinking out of straws?

Andy hates hurting people’s feelings. But this is business. His goal tonight is to evaluate the nine remaining women and to find his soul mate.

Amanda: She is full of stories, but she never tells the Lieutenant these stories. Andy says that he is constantly trying to engage her on a deeper level. Uh oh.

Kate has concerns? “Do you think I’m a wild sorority girl?”
He thinks she is outspoken and fun. NO says Kate. She is concerned about her business and family. She is a cool person. She is chill and relaxed.

Andy sits between the two Stephanies. They talk about how they are alike and different. Psycho takes over and pretty much slams the gymnast. This makes Andy wonder how sincere she is. YES!

Bev: Andy checks on his favorite patient. He pokes at her ankle and says he will need daily check-ups. Then they make out on the couch.

Random Tina wants to know the Lieutenant’s flaws. What in the world? He says that he is really hard on himself and too analytical.

THE BUREAU IS BACK!
Andy checks out the Pier One framed photos and worries to himself if he is sending the wrong girl home.

He gives roses to:
Amber
Dani
Gymnast Stephanie
Random Tina
Kate…SHUT UP
Punky Nicole
Psycho Stephanie

Luckily, Psycho showed up at the end. I was nervous we wouldn’t have anyone to hate!

Sorry for the delay. We should be back on target for the rest of the season.

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

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