This Bachelor Pad recap is sponsored by the romanitc comedy “What’s Your Number” starring Captain America and the House Bunny Girl
I’d like to begin by sending out a ton of prayers to those suffering from the aftermath of all the grass fires in Texas. So much devastation surrounds my great state and I am saddened to read about each testimony in the news. Stay safe everyone. And Lord, please bring us rain.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nephew/former classmate of someone who is obsessed with the Hunger Games trilogy and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
As our contestants march in from the glistening pavement of the rose ceremony staging area, most are murmuring about two topics:
1. They were glad that William was gone because they won’t get him confused with Kirk anymore.
2. Michelle is well on her way to becoming the crazy cat lady that lives three doors down from your grandmother.
It wasn’t until they reached the comfort of the sunken living room that they noticed Chris Harrison followed them inside to make an important announcement. All respect his precious time and become quiet as he takes the spotlight.
OHCH: “The game is changing again. You all need to find a partner because from here on out, you are competing as a couple and will win as a couple. I suggest you choose wisely. Oh…and you might want to get to know them pretty well. If you need me, I’ll be kickin’ it at the Chateau Marmont bar pulling an all-nighter with the cast of ‘What’s Your Number,’ a hilarious tale about a woman who looks back at her past relationships, wondering if one might be her true love.’”
Harrison, of course, heads to the V Lounge and orders the most expensive scotch on the menu. Erica immediately begins to panic. Meaning, she moves faster than a snail’s pace discovering that everyone is already partnered up and she is left with Blake who is brooding because his nemesis Michael Stagleano has pee’d all over Holly claiming her as his partner without even asking.
Erica tries to remember every truth or dare game she played in junior high and begins peppering Blake with questions.
Erica: “What’s your biggest fear? You grew up in Steamboat, right? What’s your favorite animal?”
Kirk: “Dying alone. Yes. Flying squirrel. This is stupid.”
Everyone else has scattered to the four corners of the mansion to quiz each other on the inner workings of their souls. Kirk and Ella are discussing bra sizes, Grom and Michelle are whispering in the pantry and Kasey and Vienna have decided that they don’t need to practice because they have been together for six months and know everything about each other because they are so in love and respect each other. Talk to the tattoo if you have a problem with it.
The next morning, Harrison is all business on the top with a stunning jacket and tie, but casual and cool on the bottom with nice fitting jeans standing in front of a cheesy lattice display with fake flowers. He has a Cheshire grin on that darling face as he welcomes the contestants to the “NEARLY Newlywed Game” sponsored by Twentieth Century Fox’s “What’s Your Number,” a brilliant comedy starring Ana Faris and Chris Evans.
Michelle Money gives us a run-down of what to expect during this next round of competition.
“Okay, so Chris is going to ask all the ladies a question and we have to write down what we think are partner is going to say. Then, he will bring out the boys and ask the questions again. If the boy matches what the girl answered, you get a point. Then vice versa.”
She flashes the camera a winning smile. I can only assume that she is going after the coveted co-host position on the Bachelor Pad that was left vacant by the effervescent Melissa Rycroft this year. Or, she may be going for celebrity correspondent on Access Hollywood. Only time will tell.
Kasey is very excited to crush the competition.
“This is going to be so easy. The victory is so close, I can smell it.”
And then…he sniffs. Really loudly. On camera. I bet he ate paste as a kid.
Harrison’s first question is a doozy:
“How many dates does your partner need before making woopie?”
Ella and Kirk both get a point for answering five, as well as Grom and Michelle for answering seven. Our resident relationship starts off a little rocky. Vienna innocently proclaims 22 as Kasey holds up a sign that says three.
In the next question, Harrison asks, “If you were an animal, what animal would you be?”
Blake looks at Erica, wondering if there is somewhat of a brain in that big head of hers, shakes his head in disbelief and answers, “Flying squirrel.”
POINT FOR THE UNDER DOGS!
I have to admit that my favorite question was when Harrison asked what would the girls’ ex-boyfriends miss about them the most. Vienna answered BOOBS and gave a little shimmy. Kasey held up a sign that said teeth.
Everyone laughs, including Our Host who has to take a moment to pull it together, and Vienna begins to slowly simmer. She realizes that couples who haven’t guarded and protected each other for six months are beating them.
Any question that had a negative connotation was mostly answered with one word: BLAKE. He was totally bummed until he heard this question:
“If your partner could sleep with someone else in the house, who would it be?”
Michael answered, “Me. Michael. The Stag.”
Holly held up a sign that said Blake.
This is followed by a few more “What’s Your Number” product placement moments and a bunch of inappropriate questions that pretty much fell under the “who would you do it with?” umbrella. Finally, Our Host asked some classier questions:
“How old were you when you lost your virginity?”
The ages spanned from 18 to 21 from most of the contestants. When Harrison reached Grom, he promptly answered, “Seven.” Michelle held up a sign that confirmed: “SEVEN!”
We all went through the five stages of denial in about five seconds before realizing Grom and Michelle had crafted a brilliant strategy to win this game. If the question is a number? Answer seven. If there is a negative question about a guy in the house, answer Blake. If it’s non-gender, answer Michael. If it’s specifically about a girl, answer Holly.
There was an appropriate amount of irritation and admiration that shifted through the panel. Even Harrison tipped his imaginary hat at the strategy that Grom had developed, because it worked. The pair won the coveted immunity roses as well as a romantic one-on-one date away from the house.
Vienna: “I am sooooo mad at Kasey right now. He promised to guard and protect my heart and look at what he did. My teeth? Are you kidding me? Who answers like that? He’s such an idiot. Why does everything happen to me? Over and over again…I’m always the one who gets the shaft. Why me? WHY ME?”
If something happens to you over and over again, what’s the common denominator there? I’m just saying.
But wait! There’s more! Second place winners Erica and Blake get a one-on-one romantic date too!
You can imagine the enthusiasm that Blake is unable to contain at this news. His head hangs in defeat, cursing the day that he decided to align with the crazy cat lady and Princess Nip Tuck.
Erica is also annoyed that Blake is her new partner. She appears to be lost in thought…unfamiliar territory for Erica…when Blake asks her what’s wrong.
Erica: “The more you flirt with Holly, the more Michael wants to get rid of you. And that means me since I’m your partner. You need to back off.”
Kasey and Vienna fight about the competition near the booze counter in the kitchen. Everyone is uncomfortable with their public arguments and rush over to Erica so she can prescribe them something that will take away the annoying pain. While doling out a few low dose barbiturates to the eager palms, she cocks her head to the side asking, “Did you guys hear that?”
Clearly the downers have not hindered our princess enough to miss the sound of a helicopter landing in the driveway. Erica is fluent in chopper.
Grom and Michelle board the helicopter and cruise around Los Angeles below the smog line for a few hours. Michelle hopes Grom will finally let his guard down. Grom thinks Michelle is crazy hot.
Back at the booze counter where bottles of gin go to die in the mansion kitchen, Blake, Holly and Vienna are drowning their sorrows in alcohol. Kasey comes busting through what appears to be the pantry door, demanding that Vienna join him for a romp in the sack. Vienna reminds him that he took back his promise ring mere moments ago because she wouldn’t have sex with him.
No. I’m not fabricating this scene. I shall write it verbatim for you. Thank you ABC producers for putting sub-titles under Kasey so I can be accurate.
Vienna: “You are making such a big deal over sex.”
Kasey: “You said that’s what you wanted. Now you are not following through.”
Vienna: “No is no Kasey. No…is…NO.”
Kasey: “You never said no. I’ve never forced you to do anything. I know this is an act for the camera. I just want to cuddle. This is frustrating. Are you coming downstairs or not?”
Vienna: “You leave me no choice! Your bags are packed! If I don’t come down, you’ll leave, which means I have to leave too.”
Kasey: “I just want to cuddle.”
Vienna: “You’re giving me an ultimatum.”
Kasey: “No I’m not.”
Vienna: “Yes. I can go and cuddle. Or I stay and we leave.”
Vienna: “FINE. I’M COMING.”
Kasey: “I don’t know if I want to cuddle anymore.”
Erica: “This is a mansion. Not a trailer park. She needs to go back where she came from and take her with him.”
Grom and Michelle have made their way to a rooftop viewing of “What’s Your Number,” a show that features Captain America playing basketball in his boxer briefs and that girl from House Bunny in pink panties. Michelle and Grom get comfy in their best swimwear, celebrate with a bottle of champagne and then decide to add to their own numbers by the closing credits.
Erica would like to increase her number as well. She will do this by seducing her partner with the latest lingerie assortment from Frederick’s of Hollywood. She asks everyone in the sunken living room to take a hike so she can be alone with her boy toy.
Erica: “Okay, so it’s like a total disadvantage for me to have you as a partner. According to that date card that Holly read, our mission is romance tonight. I’m horny and love the missionary position. Let’s make the best out of this okay? Oh, and quit gawking at Holly.”
Holly comes sauntering in wearing a string white bikini. Blake gawks. Then they leave to hang out at the Mission Hotel where they explore the catacombs while Erica uses every slutty line in the book on Blake when she’s not rubbing his thigh or communicating with the ghosts of her dead friends.
Blake decides not to bash his head into the old, Spanish influenced brick wall and sits down with Erica to have some champagne in the dungeon.
Blake: “I have a huge target on my back.”
Erica: “I think we can stick around if we work together. My astrologer said I would be here until the end.”
Blake: “You consulted an astrologer?”
Erica: “His name is Herb.”
Blake: “Is he publishing a paper on you?”
When they reach their romantic dinner, they spot two roses on the table. Have they been saved? Has Harrison decided to throw the rule book out the window?
Erica and Blake have been given the power to save another couple from elimination. According to the dentist, it’s an opportunity to throw someone a life line. They must be very careful when choosing another couple.
In other news, Holly is under a blanket outside and the Stag is professing his love. If I hadn’t fast forwarded that entire exchange, I would have been asleep. Mopey Stag is just like taking one of Erica’s Ambiens. I miss synchronized swimming Stag.
Back at Mission Hotel, the maneater is trying to unhinge her jaw and swallow Blake whole. She’s talking about relieving stress, massages, her bag full of naughty underwear and how she thinks the best strategy for Blake is to bone her so the others will think he’s over Holly.
Blake is not eager to add Erica as a number and feels it would be best if they just return to the mansion. He knows Erica always gets what she wants and for the first time in her life, she’s going to be rejected. Erica becomes vigilant in her love quest. Everyone at my watching party became very aware of Blake’s champagne glass. Because we all know that if anyone could store a roofie in her cleavage, it would be Princess Erica.
Erica: “I think us going home makes your target worse. That shows that you are more interested in Holly than me. We should just stay the night here, add to our number and be done with it. Trust me.”
Then she goes in for the CHEERS and tries to clink their glasses. The girls leaned forward shouting, “NOOOO!” Todd went for the more obvious, “I’m calling date rape right now.”
Fortunately, Blake refused to clink, noticed the skull and crossbones drifting up from the pink bubbles and immediately tossed the contents in a nearby palm tree.
Back at the mansion, we learn that exotic flowers tucked behind one’s ear are in and bang braids are still holding on strong. Holly is desperately trying to make Aunt Jemima head wraps happen while whining to Ella that Stag broke her heart and she is totally crushing on Blake. And now he’s off with the tiara who blatantly told her she was packing her golden thong and diamond bra for the date. She knows that Erica is going to throw herself at Blake and she doesn’t know if Blake has the will power like Vienna to just say no!
Speaking of pathetic:
Erica: “I would be frustrated if we didn’t have sex.”
Blake: “I feel like you are painting me into this corner, assuming I would go along with you.”
Erica: “I’m asking you as my partner.”
Blake: “That is BEEPED up. You tell me you brought sexy lingerie. That’s like me telling you I brought a box of condoms. THIS IS WEIRD.”
Erica: “Hey. You are the one who hooked up with the crazy girl and then the one with a boyfriend. That is weird. I don’t have to worry about my reputation. I’ve been patient. Your Gemini is coming out and I don’t like this side. You should respect your partner and do what they want. We will totally get eliminated.”
Paging Dr. Jaime? Dr. Jamie to the Mission Hotel for a consult please.
The next day, Erica pulls Blake aside as he’s eating his morning Cheerios and tells him she is sooooo glad they didn’t hook up the night before. They decide that the best thing is to put it behind them and concentrate on their safety roses. They begin by spilling the news to Kirk and Ella who have the fitting “SHUT UP” responses.
Then they pull Kasey and Vienna aside to tell them. Immediately Kasey assures them that if they are bestowed the roses, he will personally guarantee their safety. Vienna reminds them that Grom and Michelle have voted with them every single time. If Erica and Blake vote for Kirk and Ella, that makes three couples and they will be safe.
Naturally, Erica and Blake decide unwisely to toss their life line to Vienna and Kasey. Ella immediately runs to the bathroom, because she knows that she and Kirk are going home. Vienna and Kasey celebrate by taking the show to Pleasure Town. ABC cut to commercial before being forced to implement the black security boxes but not before Vienna treated the viewing audience to an impromptu rap/magic show entitled, “I Gotta Rose.”
Some things you just can’t un-see.
Harrison arrives at the rose ceremony looking dapper in a black suit, white shirt and an interesting choice of tie. I’m going to leave it at that. He tells our contestants that they will be voting as a couple and the woman from each pairing will go into the deliberation room and vote.
Vienna immediately wants to vote out Ella and Kirk because no one stands a chance against a woman whose mother was shot by the step-father and she has a nine-year-old to raise on her own. She tells the camera that people should be airing their dirty laundry in public.
That’s right. You should do it in the privacy of a security camera in the Boom Boom Room downstairs.
Blake takes this time to snuggle with Holly. They make out on the outdoor furniture in front of the fire, pretending that they live there. Stag walks by, becomes angry and vows to vote the dentist off once and for all. He confides in Grom.
Grom: “Blake totally violated man code. I’ll do everything in my power to help Stag. He would do the same for me.”
Michelle takes it upon herself to practice her non-region diction while telling Kasey and Vienna that she and Grom will be voting for Erica and Blake.
Michelle: “We do not trust Blake.”
Vienna: “If Ella is standing at the end, you will not get the money. She will tell everyone her sob story about how she’s a single Mom.”
Michelle: “I’m a single mom too. It’s not about who deserved the money, but who played the game the best to win the money.”
Then she gives Vienna the old evil eye and strolls off with Grom.
Holly is confused and decides to cry about it in the shower. Ella comes by and consoles her like she’s her child. We discover that Holly is the deciding vote. Should she keep Blake for another week and flirt with him in her string bikini? Or should she could respect her ex-fiancé’s wishes and kick the dentist to the curb?
The moment has come. Everyone is standing with their partner in the glistening driveway. Michelle and Grom have come forward to bestow the roses. Stag and Holly are called. And then we wait. I was anxious. I’m embarrassed to admit that. I put my head in my shirt. My deodorant smells good. It’s Secret. Harrison is speaking. I peek out the top of my neck hole…
ELLA AND KIRK!
Harrison commands that the losers say their final goodbyes and Blake walks over to Holly to kiss her in front of the Stag. She hands him a note and gives him a hug.
In the limo, Blake reads the letter to America. Apparently Holly’s heart is breaking. But she make him a promise that this is not over. Blake ponders this promise while flossing on his way to the airport where his in-flight movie will be none other than, “What’s Your Number.”
Next week is the finale. There are four couples left. Who will win? Who will fall down a climbing wall during Cirque du Soleil practice? How loud will I shout in victory when it’s NOT Kasey and Vienna?
Until next week, I’m all about the shame, not the fame,