This is a Test…

It’s taken me so long to write this recap because I’ve been staring at a blank screen for eight hours. Seriously. I’ve been experiencing heart palpitations because I have no idea what to write. Was the show even an hour long last night?
Don’t get me wrong…I love my future husband Brad Womack, but there was some definite snooze moments last night.

I guess the only thing to do is bring back a popular format from last season and check to see if ANYONE was paying attention to last night’s episode.

It’s test time!

Everyone have their number two pencils ready?

Date One
Jenni Couric

What was Jenni’s reaction when she found out they were going to swim with dolphins?
A. SHUT UP!
B. I’m scared!
C. I don’t want to look like a weenie!
D. All of the above.

What best describes Jenni’s bathing bottoms?
A. Cheetah print
B. Junior’s Department sale rack
C. Tiny kitten with a pink bow on its head
D. Non existent

What was your favorite underwater shot during the dolphin date?
A. Jenni and Brad’s flailing legs mercifully treading water
B. Jenni’s butt cheeks straddling the dolphin
C. Jenni’s crotch
D. Close-up of Jenni’s crotch

Quote from Brad: “I would love to spend the night with Jenni and get to know her in that way.” What do you think “that way” means to Brad?
A. That way her tongue feels down his throat
B. That way her snores sound like a buzz saw
C. That way her breath smells in the morning
D. Bow-chicka-bow-bow

True or False
Brad: “I will respect you in the morning.”

What was the “something special” that Brad had for Jenni in his pocket?
A. Forgo card fantasy suite invitation
B. A rose
C. Mr. Happy
D. A picture of Grandma Betty…OPAH!

Which part made Brad “most excited” during his date?
A. Jenni feeling in his pocket for something special.
B. Jenni asking Brad if that was a forgo card in his pocket or was he just happy to see her?
C. Jenni discovering the forgo card and tossing it across the room without reading its contents.
D. We don’t truly know because ABC had to edit it out for the children. No matter how many boob/crotch shots we saw this episode, this isn’t Cinemax people.

Which part was MOST SCRIPTED during the date?
A. Brad and Jenni lounging on the bed.
B. Seeing up Jenni’s skirt as she lounged on the bed.
C. Brad kicking the camera out of the room so he and Jenni can get it on.

Date Two
Bettina

Which object did Bettina most resemble last night?
A. Barbie
B. Toothpick

True or False
You actually give a crap that the sail boat was used in the American Cup Race.

Which best describes the amount of fabric used to create Bettina’s swimsuit?
A. One yard
B. One foot
C. Six inches
D. Dental floss

Which word was NOT used to describe Bettina in the course of the night?
A. Hot
B. Super hot
C. Beautiful
D. Plump

True or False?
It was lame that ABC used the same fantasy suites for each date, but tried to fake us out with the million blinding candles.

Bettina should NOT have done the following:
A. Work her father into the conversation
B. Telling Brad that moving to Austin would be difficult for her family
C. Leaning AWAY from the kiss in the steamy hot tub. (It’s official. She’s on crack.)
D. Told Brad she was falling in love.


Date Three
DeAHnna

Which interjection did Bettina NOT shout to Brad as they were racing dune buggies?
A. EAT MY DUST TURKEY!
B. YOU’RE LOOKING GOOD IN MY REAR VIEW MIRROR.
C. IF YOU NEED ME TO TEACH YOU HOW TO DRIVE, LET ME KNOW.
D. I refuse to be a weenie like Jenni Couric. He’s going down.

True or False:
DeAHnna: “In a normal relationship, you do spend the night and wake up together in each other’s arms.”

What did DeAHnna claim to know about her relationship with Brad?
A. I knew the minute I met you…it was right.
B. I knew there were crazy feelings when we kissed.
C. I knew when you left my house, you had my heart.
D. I knew that if I played my coy cards right, I’d be in the bottom two.

Who did Brad say he had a perfect night with?
A. Pick DeAHnna because that is the section we are on.
B. Jenni Couric
C. Bettina
D. Our host Chris Harrison

Rose Ceremony
Poor Brad is about to throw up. And that’s what I like about him. He compares his feelings with the weather…both tumultuous. (Take that SAT word Bettina’s Dad!)

He knows that someone is going to walk away with a broken heart. We all know that person is Bettina. Little Bets had no idea. I have to admit, I was on baited breathe myself. All the girls breathing heavily, including me and the ABC psychotherapist. It was a good 25 seconds before he called Jenni and another 14 before he called DeAHnna.

Brad walks Bets out to the courtyard. She says she is shocked. Brad says that this decision haunted him all day. Bettina decides that he didn’t pick her because it just wasn’t right and if he feels for Jenni and DeAHnna the way she feels for him, then so be it. Brad admits to the camera that it was just too much work. And true love should be easy.

Little waifish Bettina is handling herself well. She’s not crying. Her eyes are a bit watery, but that is to be expected. She tells her limo driver that she is still shocked and didn’t see it coming at all. I was so proud of her for not falling apart completely and then it happens. Look out below! F-bomb incoming!

Bettina: “It must be wonderful. Wonderful for him and the other girls. F-ing off the charts unbelievable. I can’t imagine putting myself out there again. I just fell in love with myself.”

And as I’m reaching for the remote to rewind to see what the heck Bettina just said, she repeats that she just fell in love with herself.

Interesting. I hope your other self brought a sandwich because girl needs to get some meat on those bones!

Bonus Question:
Who was NOT invited to Women Tell All that airs next week?
A. Bettina
B. Crazy Hillary
C. You
D. Me

Life’s too sweet to be bitter people.

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

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